Alright, apparently I have a little catching up to do here. Borsch has been on a roll, and there's one particular topic I want to address in detail. Let's do it!
On May 10, Borsch published a "column" entitled OUTTA LEFTFIELD: Get a whiff of this incredibly stupid idea, which of course is hilarious because the subject matter has to do with a smell! Get it? Quite frankly, though, I didn't feel like torturing either myself or you with another "according to a wire service story" post (aren't they all like that these days?). So I'll give you the highlights:
He says that the idea for an intoxicating spray is from the "Department of There Seems to be No End to Stupid Ideas That Aren’t Mine," which is a title so elaborate that it HAS to be funny. The spray was invented by researchers in France, which of course results in references to: croissants, Maurice Chevalier, and Pepe Le Pew. All on the first page. Such creativity! He wraps things up by saying that there is "a lot of stupidity in this country [America]." He's living proof.
There was also a May 16 column entitled OUTTA LEFTFIELD: Gobs of talented students invade 'The Blob's' bailiwick. He leads things off with this gem: Finally, I now have a connection to “The Blob.” Other than his physical girth? I'm surprised he passed up an opportunity for such self-deprecation. This was a terrible one. Basically, he's squeezing a column out of attending his own daughter's student film festival. He raves about how great she is, and that's about it.
Now here's a bit of news that just about everyone will love: on his twitter, Borsch posted the following on May 13:
Mike Morsch @mmorsch35 @welkappeal @RyanHafey My book, "Dancing in My Underwear: The Soundrack of My Life" comes out in June. It has a chapter on the Welk show.
My first thought was one of absolute heart-stopping mind-bending horror: "He found someone willing to publish the crap he writes OTHER than his own newspaper??? The way he phrased it, with the "comes out," sounds like his book was reciving some kind of official release. In a very Borschian move, I immediately went to Google. The top two (and only) results matching the search were by an online company called EduPublisher. Yes, it's true - for just $17.95 (!!!), YOU can be the proud owner of Borsch's book.
Everyone has a soundtrack to their life. But how many people get to talk to the artists who make up their soundtrack? “Dancing in My Underwear: The Soundtrack of My Life” is just such a story. Mike Morsch grew up in the rural Midwest,
Great God in Heaven - he's just recycling the suicide-inducing stories in his columns!
where his parents introduced him to the music of the 1960s and 70s, including such bands as the Beach Boys, The Association, America, Three Dog Night, The Doobie Brothers as well as iconic singers Elton John, Barry Manilow and Olivia Newton-John.
In other words, he had the most generic musical taste possible. "Wow, you listened to Elton John and Barry Maniolow in the 1970s? SO DID I!!!"
Then the career newspaperman moved to the East Coast at midlife and some 30 to 40 years later, had the opportunity to interview the artists that he had listened to as a young child up through his teenage years. The result is a joyous, reflective and sometimes flat-out funny memoir by this longtime journalist. At the heart of it all, Mike shares some of the insights he’s gleaned from interviews with these paragons of modern music. And you’ll hear it in their own voices.
"Joyous"? "Flat-out funny"? Either the person writing this has never read a word Borsch has written... or, more likely, Borsch is writing this about himself.
So sit back, fire up the turntable or click on your iPod and let Mike take you on an unforgettable journey through the soundtrack of his life.
Yep, he's writing this himself. By this point, I'm feeling a whole lot better, because Borsch obviously has not "sold" this piece of garbage to anyone. This is an online self-publishing company (as evidenced by the extremely generic cilp-art cover design). Reading the company's website, they'll "publish" anything, and will actually sell the book if anyone orders it (you have to pay for your own copy). If you really want to go all-out, as Borsch has done, and get your very own book website, they'll do that... for $295 dollars. Hey, Borsch - good luck getting a return on that investment!
I poked around on the book website just to revel in how hard he's trying. The Blonde Accountant's real name is apparently "Judy." Here's a classic:
Meanwhile, you'll come to know a most engaging character in his own right — a man who grows before your eyes from a certified member of "The Eighth-Grade Stupid Shit Hall of Fame" to a loving father and a highly respected member of his profession.
DEFINITELY writing this himself. "Highly respected"? Not according to those I've heard from as a result of this blog. Folks, this is amazing. My question is: do I really want to desecrate the memory of Andrew Jackson and waste almost $20 on this book, just to enjoy how wretched it is?
Thursday, May 17, 2012
He Drinks Beer and Eats (and is Dumb)
OUTTA LEFTFIELD: Testing the 'men who drink beer are smarter' theory
Published: Thursday, May 03, 2012
By Mike Morsch
Gee, how many "manly" references are we going to get THIS time?
I read recently that researchers at the University of Illinois in Chicago have found that men who have had a couple of beers actually become smarter.
When we delve into the actual "results" of this "study," I think we'll find that this doesn't accurately reflect their findings.
Despite the fact that virtually every woman on the planet would likely disagree with this finding,
Duuuuh, women smart! Men dumb! Funny.
I am originally from Illinois,
NO WAY. Get outta town! He's from Illinois? I'm dumbfounded by this new data.
and I trust any and all research that has been conducted by the institutions of higher learning in my home state when it comes to beer. Institutions of higher learning employ a lot of smart people, and there has always been a lot of beer consumed by college students, so it makes sense that college researchers would study this topic.
Will we get to hear how drunk he was in college, how poor his grades were, his idea for new types of togas, etc? Please say yes!
And despite the fact that I have scores of examples within my own personal history to suggest otherwise,
Thank you, Lord.
I decided to personally test the University of Illinois/Chicago’s theory that beer-drinking men are smarter. Recently, Lee’s Hoagie House in Horsham — right across from the Willow Grove Naval Air Base at 870 Easton Road — was offering the first of three Friday nights of free beer-tasting. (The other two have also been held, but I was unable to make those.)
Which venue screams "class" more: Lee's Hoagie House or Slack's Hoagie Shack? Discuss. I like how he feels the need to specify which beer night he attended, and also to let us know that the other two already happened (because otherwise his legions of readers would be flooding to the Horsham Lee's location, I guess).
The operative words here are “free” and “beer.” The fact that I took advantage of such an opportunity suggests that I am already smart.
Unfortunately, those who read your column would suggest you are anything but.
Still, I wanted to test the theory further. To be fair, the folks at the University of Illinois/Chicago — I’ve actually been there a few times but I was unable to locate the correct building in which to fill out an application to participate in any beer studies — have qualified the research.
Qualities of a Smart Person: (1) Obtains free beer. (2) Cannot find buildings.
Scientists devised a bar game in which 40 men were given three words and asked to find a fourth word that fits the pattern. As an example, the wire service story revealed that the 40 men would be given the words “blue,” “cottage” and “Swiss” and the corresponding fourth word might be something like “cheese.” Never let it be said that cheesy bar games can’t be utilized for legitimate scientific research.
Question: does he - CAN he - really think the "cheesy" pun is amusing? It's not even funny in a groan-inducing "really bad pun" way. It's just lazy and predictable.
Half of the participants in the focus group were given two pints of beer, the other half were given squadoosh, nada, zip, zilcho. Hey, if I’m those guys and I’m asked to participate in a scientific study that includes beer, I’d like to be in the focus group that actually gets the beer.
That's it - I'm going to count the number of times the word "beer" appears in this post. I'm guessing he's hit 15 thus far, minimum. [Editor's Note: It was only 11.]
The end result was that the beer drinkers solved 40 percent more of the problems than those who weren’t allowed in the elbow-bending party. Also, the guzzlers finished their problems in 12 seconds, while the nondrinkers took 15.5 second to solve the problems.
This is hardly scientific.
Since I live quite a ways from Chicago now, Lee’s Hoagie House offered me and others the opportunity to conduct our scientific research locally. Jon Waxman owns the Horsham Lee’s — as well as others in Abington and Blue Bell. He recently installed a big old freezer in the Horsham location — a great advantage to keeping the beer cold — which in my opinion is critical to any scientific research on the beverage.
At this point I believe most of the audience understands that the "joke" of this column is that, under the pretense of science, you just want to drink beer. How much longer must it be dragged out?
I don’t know if Jon is a beer drinker or not because my research only included drinking his beer, not asking any other questions. But if the big freezer and the beer-tasting events are an indication of Jon’s level of smartness, then he’s popped a top or two in his life.
Qualities of a Smart Person: (3) Owns a freezer.
For this research, I joined my pal and fellow columnist Ted Taylor, aka “The Glenside Kid,” and his wife, Cindy, along with a few other locals. The Blonde Accountant joined us, too, because it’s a well-established fact that she and only she is the final judge on my level of smartness under any circumstance, scientific or otherwise.
Ha... ha... ha. She is smart, you are dumb. Formula for comedy = complete.
And besides, I am smart enough to know that if I am drinking, then she is driving. Ted and I sampled, oh I don’t know, maybe 100 little cups of beer. (Actually, it was probably closer to four little cups that amounted to about half a bottle of beer because Ted and I aren’t as young as we used to be.)
Huh? This is like my 5-year-old nephew's attempt at an off-the-cuff joke: "I drank 100 BEERS! I'm kidding, it was just four."
The test results yielded the following results: (1) The beer was cold = Jon is smart; (2) Ted and I drank the beer and then ordered hoagies = Jon is smart; (3) The event featured giveaways, like free Phillies tickets = Jon is smart (although the Phillies have spent the early part of this season trying to prove otherwise);
Alright, I think I get the "joke" here - everything means that Jon is smart. Three examples is enough.
(4) I bought more beer to go with my sandwich = Jon is smart; (5) The University of Illinois/Chicago folks did it all wrong, they should have included hoagies in the research = Jon is smart.
This is almost a textbook example of "running an already-unfunny joke into the ground." Seriously, FIVE repetitions of the same stupid thing?
I believe I am smarter as well. For example, if I was given two pints of brewski and three words like “free,” “cold” and “beer,” I believe I could easily come with a corresponding fourth word. And that, of course, would be “Lee’s.”
No "Blatant Promotion Alert" here? The whole column was a thinly-disguised advertisement for Jon and his restaurant. Pathetic. By the way, by my count, he used the word "beer" 22 times in this column.
Published: Thursday, May 03, 2012
By Mike Morsch
Gee, how many "manly" references are we going to get THIS time?
I read recently that researchers at the University of Illinois in Chicago have found that men who have had a couple of beers actually become smarter.
When we delve into the actual "results" of this "study," I think we'll find that this doesn't accurately reflect their findings.
Despite the fact that virtually every woman on the planet would likely disagree with this finding,
Duuuuh, women smart! Men dumb! Funny.
I am originally from Illinois,
NO WAY. Get outta town! He's from Illinois? I'm dumbfounded by this new data.
and I trust any and all research that has been conducted by the institutions of higher learning in my home state when it comes to beer. Institutions of higher learning employ a lot of smart people, and there has always been a lot of beer consumed by college students, so it makes sense that college researchers would study this topic.
Will we get to hear how drunk he was in college, how poor his grades were, his idea for new types of togas, etc? Please say yes!
And despite the fact that I have scores of examples within my own personal history to suggest otherwise,
Thank you, Lord.
I decided to personally test the University of Illinois/Chicago’s theory that beer-drinking men are smarter. Recently, Lee’s Hoagie House in Horsham — right across from the Willow Grove Naval Air Base at 870 Easton Road — was offering the first of three Friday nights of free beer-tasting. (The other two have also been held, but I was unable to make those.)
Which venue screams "class" more: Lee's Hoagie House or Slack's Hoagie Shack? Discuss. I like how he feels the need to specify which beer night he attended, and also to let us know that the other two already happened (because otherwise his legions of readers would be flooding to the Horsham Lee's location, I guess).
The operative words here are “free” and “beer.” The fact that I took advantage of such an opportunity suggests that I am already smart.
Unfortunately, those who read your column would suggest you are anything but.
Still, I wanted to test the theory further. To be fair, the folks at the University of Illinois/Chicago — I’ve actually been there a few times but I was unable to locate the correct building in which to fill out an application to participate in any beer studies — have qualified the research.
Qualities of a Smart Person: (1) Obtains free beer. (2) Cannot find buildings.
Scientists devised a bar game in which 40 men were given three words and asked to find a fourth word that fits the pattern. As an example, the wire service story revealed that the 40 men would be given the words “blue,” “cottage” and “Swiss” and the corresponding fourth word might be something like “cheese.” Never let it be said that cheesy bar games can’t be utilized for legitimate scientific research.
Question: does he - CAN he - really think the "cheesy" pun is amusing? It's not even funny in a groan-inducing "really bad pun" way. It's just lazy and predictable.
Half of the participants in the focus group were given two pints of beer, the other half were given squadoosh, nada, zip, zilcho. Hey, if I’m those guys and I’m asked to participate in a scientific study that includes beer, I’d like to be in the focus group that actually gets the beer.
That's it - I'm going to count the number of times the word "beer" appears in this post. I'm guessing he's hit 15 thus far, minimum. [Editor's Note: It was only 11.]
The end result was that the beer drinkers solved 40 percent more of the problems than those who weren’t allowed in the elbow-bending party. Also, the guzzlers finished their problems in 12 seconds, while the nondrinkers took 15.5 second to solve the problems.
This is hardly scientific.
Since I live quite a ways from Chicago now, Lee’s Hoagie House offered me and others the opportunity to conduct our scientific research locally. Jon Waxman owns the Horsham Lee’s — as well as others in Abington and Blue Bell. He recently installed a big old freezer in the Horsham location — a great advantage to keeping the beer cold — which in my opinion is critical to any scientific research on the beverage.
At this point I believe most of the audience understands that the "joke" of this column is that, under the pretense of science, you just want to drink beer. How much longer must it be dragged out?
I don’t know if Jon is a beer drinker or not because my research only included drinking his beer, not asking any other questions. But if the big freezer and the beer-tasting events are an indication of Jon’s level of smartness, then he’s popped a top or two in his life.
Qualities of a Smart Person: (3) Owns a freezer.
For this research, I joined my pal and fellow columnist Ted Taylor, aka “The Glenside Kid,” and his wife, Cindy, along with a few other locals. The Blonde Accountant joined us, too, because it’s a well-established fact that she and only she is the final judge on my level of smartness under any circumstance, scientific or otherwise.
Ha... ha... ha. She is smart, you are dumb. Formula for comedy = complete.
And besides, I am smart enough to know that if I am drinking, then she is driving. Ted and I sampled, oh I don’t know, maybe 100 little cups of beer. (Actually, it was probably closer to four little cups that amounted to about half a bottle of beer because Ted and I aren’t as young as we used to be.)
Huh? This is like my 5-year-old nephew's attempt at an off-the-cuff joke: "I drank 100 BEERS! I'm kidding, it was just four."
The test results yielded the following results: (1) The beer was cold = Jon is smart; (2) Ted and I drank the beer and then ordered hoagies = Jon is smart; (3) The event featured giveaways, like free Phillies tickets = Jon is smart (although the Phillies have spent the early part of this season trying to prove otherwise);
Alright, I think I get the "joke" here - everything means that Jon is smart. Three examples is enough.
(4) I bought more beer to go with my sandwich = Jon is smart; (5) The University of Illinois/Chicago folks did it all wrong, they should have included hoagies in the research = Jon is smart.
This is almost a textbook example of "running an already-unfunny joke into the ground." Seriously, FIVE repetitions of the same stupid thing?
I believe I am smarter as well. For example, if I was given two pints of brewski and three words like “free,” “cold” and “beer,” I believe I could easily come with a corresponding fourth word. And that, of course, would be “Lee’s.”
No "Blatant Promotion Alert" here? The whole column was a thinly-disguised advertisement for Jon and his restaurant. Pathetic. By the way, by my count, he used the word "beer" 22 times in this column.
Wednesday, May 2, 2012
Shockingly Watching Baseball
Tuesday, May 1, 2012 A manly man bus trip
Borsch has stopped sharing his increasingly infrequent blog posts via his Twitter. I won't take credit for this trend, but... Actually no. I WILL take credit.
I have to hand it the Men of La Salle, the dads’ group at La Salle High School: Those guys certainly know how to organize a manly man bus trip.
Always breaking fresh ground, it appears as though Borsch is going to fill this post with references to beer, farts and meat - all the "man" staples.
Dave Lagner, the chief cook, bottle washer and grand poohbah,
How does he come UP with this stuff??? He's a comic genuis!
put together a great trip to Camden Yards in Baltimore on Sunday.
...because we can't post about anything that's not baseball, I guess.
The excursion included all the things needed for a manly man father-and-son day: luxury buses complete with DVD players and bathrooms (an important aspect for guys); great seats, 12 rows from the field down the third-base line, to watch the visiting Oakland A’s take on the Baltimore Orioles; 72 degrees, blue skies and a slight breeze (not sure who Dave knows to get that pulled off but I suspect he may have dated Mother Nature in his younger days); and a post-game excursion to a manly man joint in the Inner Harbor called “Dick’s Last Resort,” a place that can only be described as “highly entertaining for cavemen,” where the fathers and sons consumed massive quantities of nachos, hot wings and ribs while being mercilessly insulted by the waiters.
Now take a deep, deeeeeeeep breath... and realize that was ALL ONE SENTENCE. In that one sentence, we had two uses of both "manly man" and "father(s) and son(s)." Should I ask why they were "mercilessly insulted by the waiters"? I don't really understand that part.
As a bonus, Game 1 of the second round of the Stanley Cup Playoffs was on the big screen during the chow down, and the Philadelphia Flyers scored in overtime to take a 4-3 win over the New Jersey Devils sending the LaSalle contingent into a frenzy of high-fives and flying spittle, otherwise known as more manly man stuff.
Things We Know Guys Do (so far): Watch baseball. Go to the bathroom. Eat a lot. Spit. This is, obviously, extremely hilarious.
By the way, that’s a picture of me with Dick — taken by my cohort for the day, Son of Blonde Accountant — outside the establishment after the meal. It appears by the looks on our faces that we both had loaded up on too many nachos.
First of all, that's not even a passable impersonation of the statue. Second... damn. He looks bad. Like, real bad. Like "he's been in the sun too long and is melting" bad.
I’ve always enjoyed Camden Yards. It’s a beautiful ballpark and it features “Boog’s BBQ” out on the right field concourse in front of the distinctive warehouse.
ATTENTION READERS: Stop here if you are not sure whether you can handle the excitement of hearing all about Boog Powell, former baseball player! You've been warned.
This is, of course, Boog Powell’s place — a former Orioles first baseman in the 1960s and 1970s who played on some pretty good Orioles teams — and as usual, Boog was perched on a stool near the barbecue pit greeting fans and signing autographs. I’ve seen Boog several times over the years, and there have been times when I thought, “Hey Boog, mix in a salad.” Boog has always been a large fellow, and in past years, it looked like he was eating more of the barbecue beef than he was selling. But this year, Boog has slimmed down considerably and he looks great. And he’s always friendly and accommodating to the fans.
Wow, what a gracious celeb! Friendly to fans, who would have thought?
I had the “Big Boog Beef” sandwich, which is double the meat and indigestion. I was so full that three guys had to carry me from the right field concourse to my seat on the other side of the stadium near third base. The Phillies should offer that amenity to the overeaters in their stadium.
So after the enormous meal described in painful, run-on-sentence detail above, he ate more???
Although many in our group were Phillies fans, most were root, root, rooting for the home team, and the Orioles delivered a walk-off win in the bottom of the ninth by scoring five runs, three of which came on a game-ending home run. It was my first Men of LaSalle father-son bus trip and Son of Blonde Accountant and I enjoyed it quite a bit.
Wow, "quite a bit." High praise indeed.
I can’t wait for next year’s trip and another day of manly man activities.
Me neither, sir. Me neither.
Borsch has stopped sharing his increasingly infrequent blog posts via his Twitter. I won't take credit for this trend, but... Actually no. I WILL take credit.
I have to hand it the Men of La Salle, the dads’ group at La Salle High School: Those guys certainly know how to organize a manly man bus trip.
Always breaking fresh ground, it appears as though Borsch is going to fill this post with references to beer, farts and meat - all the "man" staples.
Dave Lagner, the chief cook, bottle washer and grand poohbah,
How does he come UP with this stuff??? He's a comic genuis!
put together a great trip to Camden Yards in Baltimore on Sunday.
...because we can't post about anything that's not baseball, I guess.
The excursion included all the things needed for a manly man father-and-son day: luxury buses complete with DVD players and bathrooms (an important aspect for guys); great seats, 12 rows from the field down the third-base line, to watch the visiting Oakland A’s take on the Baltimore Orioles; 72 degrees, blue skies and a slight breeze (not sure who Dave knows to get that pulled off but I suspect he may have dated Mother Nature in his younger days); and a post-game excursion to a manly man joint in the Inner Harbor called “Dick’s Last Resort,” a place that can only be described as “highly entertaining for cavemen,” where the fathers and sons consumed massive quantities of nachos, hot wings and ribs while being mercilessly insulted by the waiters.
Now take a deep, deeeeeeeep breath... and realize that was ALL ONE SENTENCE. In that one sentence, we had two uses of both "manly man" and "father(s) and son(s)." Should I ask why they were "mercilessly insulted by the waiters"? I don't really understand that part.
As a bonus, Game 1 of the second round of the Stanley Cup Playoffs was on the big screen during the chow down, and the Philadelphia Flyers scored in overtime to take a 4-3 win over the New Jersey Devils sending the LaSalle contingent into a frenzy of high-fives and flying spittle, otherwise known as more manly man stuff.
Things We Know Guys Do (so far): Watch baseball. Go to the bathroom. Eat a lot. Spit. This is, obviously, extremely hilarious.
By the way, that’s a picture of me with Dick — taken by my cohort for the day, Son of Blonde Accountant — outside the establishment after the meal. It appears by the looks on our faces that we both had loaded up on too many nachos.
First of all, that's not even a passable impersonation of the statue. Second... damn. He looks bad. Like, real bad. Like "he's been in the sun too long and is melting" bad.
I’ve always enjoyed Camden Yards. It’s a beautiful ballpark and it features “Boog’s BBQ” out on the right field concourse in front of the distinctive warehouse.
ATTENTION READERS: Stop here if you are not sure whether you can handle the excitement of hearing all about Boog Powell, former baseball player! You've been warned.
This is, of course, Boog Powell’s place — a former Orioles first baseman in the 1960s and 1970s who played on some pretty good Orioles teams — and as usual, Boog was perched on a stool near the barbecue pit greeting fans and signing autographs. I’ve seen Boog several times over the years, and there have been times when I thought, “Hey Boog, mix in a salad.” Boog has always been a large fellow, and in past years, it looked like he was eating more of the barbecue beef than he was selling. But this year, Boog has slimmed down considerably and he looks great. And he’s always friendly and accommodating to the fans.
Wow, what a gracious celeb! Friendly to fans, who would have thought?
I had the “Big Boog Beef” sandwich, which is double the meat and indigestion. I was so full that three guys had to carry me from the right field concourse to my seat on the other side of the stadium near third base. The Phillies should offer that amenity to the overeaters in their stadium.
So after the enormous meal described in painful, run-on-sentence detail above, he ate more???
Although many in our group were Phillies fans, most were root, root, rooting for the home team, and the Orioles delivered a walk-off win in the bottom of the ninth by scoring five runs, three of which came on a game-ending home run. It was my first Men of LaSalle father-son bus trip and Son of Blonde Accountant and I enjoyed it quite a bit.
Wow, "quite a bit." High praise indeed.
I can’t wait for next year’s trip and another day of manly man activities.
Me neither, sir. Me neither.
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