Outta Leftfield: Hokey hoagie idea turns into the ‘Great Gondola Caper of 2011’
Published: Wednesday, March 30, 2011
By Mike Morsch
Executive Editor
If you read his earlier post on this same topic, you know he's going to reference his friends in Illinois who are on the radio. Borsch thinks it's really, really neat that he knows a couple guys who have their own radio show. I bet he hates the fact that their show is immediately followed by Glenn Beck.
Only a real pal would suppress his fears about poisoning me long enough to FedEx some sandwiches across the country, timed perfectly to arrive just before lunch.
Unlike 99% of his posts, this idea actually has the potential to be amusing. Let's see how badly he blows it.
But for my boyhood friend Greg Batton, something like that is right in his wheelhouse. Not the poisoning part, the sandwich part. And that’s how the “Great Gondola Caper of 2011” was launched.
Couldn't have said "that's his forte" or anything - had to work in that baseball reference.
Greg is a radio personality at WMBD in Peoria, Ill. (www.1470wmbd.com). He and his partner, Dan Diorio, have been the morning jocks there for years, and they like to have a lot of fun, mostly because they’re still a little punchy from having to get up so dadgummed early in the morning. I like to have fun, too, but our geographic realities usually prevent Greg from trying to poison me in person more than once every couple of years.
Wow, they're morning radio personalities? You don't say so. I'm equally shocked that he worked in a reference to his boyhood in Illinois. Credit due - the "poison me in person" bit is good.
Recently, Greg and Dan were involved with a promotion by the Peoria Chiefs, the Class A minor league affiliate of the Chicago Cubs. The Chiefs are conducting an online voting contest to see which central Illinois media personality would have his or her likeness on a bobblehead, which would be given away to fans at a game in August.
Repeated material from the earlier "Bobblehead Immortality" blog post.
Greg asked me to reach out to my friends here in the Philly area via Facebook, Twitter and my blog and ask them to go to the Chiefs’ website and vote for him and Dan, which I did as detailed in a blog item here: http://outtaleftfieldblog.blogspot.com.
Do not visit the blog. If you read the previous two paragraphs of the current column, you'll have the whole story.
It just so happens that Greg’s request coincided with the fact that I haven’t been home in a few years and was craving a gondola from Avanti’s, an eatery in the Peoria area. A gondola is what my dear friend, L. Kramier Tahtay — which I think is French Canadian for, “Hey, pass me the mustard!” — calls a “sammich.” The word “sammich” in my circle of friends is what one says when stuffing a really, really, really, really good sandwich into one’s mouth and then trying to say the word “sandwich.”
And we're still repeating material from the blog post. Mr. Tahtay must actually be a personal friend of Borsch who, I assume, doesn't mind his penchant for mocking foreign names. I would also like to point out that "sammich" would be impossible to say while stuffing anything in your mouth, since the "M" sound requires you to close your lips. "Sawwich" would be more like it. "Sammich" is just something dumb people say.
Of course, not all sandwiches are sammiches.
By his own definition, it isn't a "sammich" unless you're jamming it into your mouth. Sort of like the meteor/meteorite distinction. Are we really going to delve into this?
The gondola in Peoria is a simple sammich, with ham, salami and cheese (lettuce and tomato, if you prefer, which I don’t). It’s similar to what we would call a hoagie here in Philly. The difference usually is the bread, and this is where Avanti’s holds an advantage in my view. It’s fresh and sweet, and I wouldn’t have any trouble eating it every day.
Frankly, saying "I could eat it every day" isn't a big compliment to pay to bread. We don't make any fresh, sweet bread here in Philly?
It doesn’t even need any condiments. (By the way, I’ve found the best breads around here at Conshohocken Bakery in Conshy and Silvio’s Deli in Hatboro, which come very, very close to achieving official “sammich” designation.)
Shameless Promotion Alert? And exactly what is so good it doesn't need condiments - the bread? Who puts condiments on plain bread?
Greg and I have been frequenting Avanti’s since we were in high school, usually after football or basketball games. The smell of the bread reminds me of a lot about home, and all of this was going through my mind about the time Greg made his request for help with the bobblehead promotion.
“I’ll help you out with the online voting if you mail me a couple of gondolas,” I said to him.
This has already been established. We had an entire blog post about it. The only new info we have is how good the bread is.
The two of us have been down a similar path before. A few years ago, he had put out a call to his Facebook friends that he wanted to do something nice for someone. I just happened to be headed to New York for a ballgame the next day and wrote to him that “he could buy me a hotdog tomorrow at Yankee Stadium.”
Crazy radio guys love stuff like that.
This is almost word-for-word from the blog post. Is this story like a DVD extra - "Bobblehead Blog - Cut Scenes"?
I didn’t really expect him in Peoria to buy me a hotdog in New York, but I knew he’d pull out all the stops trying. (He couldn’t make it happen at Yankee Stadium, but I did receive a dozen hotdogs from him a few days later at my office.)
Aaaaaand we're still repeating stuff from the blog. The column is almost over at this point, and the only new info we have is what a "sammich" is.
Last Thursday, I got the text message from Greg that I had been waiting for: “You’ll be eating tomorrow.” He followed that up by texting, “Please don’t die, please don’t die, please don’t die!”
I don't know about you, but I'd be freaked out to receive texts like that. It's like one of those Japanese horror movies.
Oh boy. All Friday morning, I was waiting for the sammiches to arrive, which they did right before lunch, in a FedEx box. Two of them. I had no idea FedEx would ship sammiches. In fact, I think the company ought to include Greg and me in its next advertising campaign. I could travel to exotic locations and Greg could FedEx me gondolas overnight for the next day’s lunch. The company could change its slogan to, “When it absolutely, positively, has to be there overnight and ready for Mike’s lunch the next day.”
These days, sandwich mascots are famous for losing weight by eating them. Borsch doesn't exactly fit with that crowd.
It will come as no surprise that after tearing open the FedEx box and getting a whiff of the bread, I scarfed one whole gondola for lunch the day it arrived — it was truly a Caligula-inspired act of overindulgence. And there was a real concern among my central Illinois friends that the backup sammich would survive the rest of the day.
I'm surprised he didn't suggest that Caligula was, like, a backup shortstop for the Expos or something.
But not being in tip-top gondola-eating shape, the first one sat kind of heavily in my system.
This probably means he dropped a massive, meaty load shortly after eating it.
I had to wait two days to tackle the second one, which I did for breakfast Sunday morning. After being shipped in a Fed Ex box halfway across the country, then sitting in the refrigerator for two days, it had become less than it’s stellar self, but still good enough for breakfast fare.
He ate a sandwich comprised of ham, salami and cheese... for breakfast? Disgusting.
As it turns out, the Philly influence wasn’t enough to get Greg and Dan through the second round of the bobblehead promotion, which spares the central Illinois folks from of freaky image of seeing Greg’s face on one side of a bobblehead and Dan’s on the other. Two faces on the same bobblehead? No thanks.
Shocking - Borsch's legion of fans wasn't enough to sway the vote?
From my perspective, however, the Great Gondola Caper of 2011 was a success. I didn’t get food poisoning. Maybe FedEx will want to work that into the ad campaign.
They sent something via FedEx, and it arrived. What a caper! Maybe I should write a story about the Great Amazon.com Used Book 3rd Party Seller Caper of 2011. And didn't we already have a "use us in an ad campaign" joke? Now he's repeating material from the same column!
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
Opinion-less Opinion Column
Column: Mary, Mother of the Redeemer pastor met the controversy head on, but may have missed an opportunity to lead
Published: Tuesday, March 29, 2011
By Mike Morsch
Executive Editor
Not "Outta Leftfield" - "Column." Like he's actually trying to write a serious opinion piece. Like he's in any way qualified (or able) to express an opinion on a serious issue.
Editor’s note: Mike Morsch is executive editor of Montgomery Newspapers. He has family members that are members of Mary, Mother of the Redeemer Parish in North Wales and was at this meeting Monday evening. What follows is strictly an opinion piece with some analysis on what he observed.
The "Editor" is, presumably, Borsch himself. This begs the question: has he ever reported on a news issue in which he was not personally involved?
Parishioners at Mary, Mother of the Redeemer in North Wales are angry and upset at the scandal now gripping the Philadelphia Archdiocese in the wake of the most recent grand jury report that has forced the archdiocese to take 21 priests out of active ministry for allegedly sexually abusing young boys.
Yes, that was all one sentence. We're off to a good start.
And on Monday evening, MMR’s pastor, Monsignor John T. Conway, put himself squarely in the congregation’s collective crosshairs in front of what at times seemed like a pitchfork and flaming torches kind of crowd looking for answers and guidance.
Mix metaphors much? Not only did he put himself in the crosshairs, he did it in front of a crowd armed with pitchforks and torches! And yes, that, too, was all one sentence. No much-needed hyphens in "pitchfork and flaming torches kind."
For Monsignor Conway, it was a lose-lose situation. And although he met the situation head-on — and for that he deserves a lot of credit — he didn’t necessarily have a lot of answers that people were seeking.
Imagine Borsch taking command during such a crisis! Truly one of our great leaders is he.
Conway’s name appears in a 2005 grand jury report involving priest abuse. He isn’t accused of committing any of the abuse, but it is strongly alleged that as regional vicar for South Philadelphia back in the late 1990s, he knew about and was part of the hierarchy that transferred priests with a history of sexual abuse into other parishes, where they would be in direct contact with adolescent boys.
Thus far, not a whole lot of opinion OR analysis. More like - surprise! - boring summary of an already-reported issue.
Conway denies the charge, saying he wasn’t privy to any information of past abuse in any priest’s personnel file and he wanted MMR parishioners to hear that directly from him.
Does Borsch credit the reporters who actually gathered all the facts he's repeating?
“All I’m asking you tonight is to hear what I have to say,” said Conway to approximately 200 parishioners at a meeting the monsignor said was being held with the full knowledge of the Philadelphia Archdiocese. “I wish more people were here.”
Wow, you gotta love using "said Conway" and "the monsignor said" in the same sentence.
He’s right about that. MMR is approximately 6,000-members strong — one of the 10 largest parishes in the archdiocese — and only around 200 of those were interested enough in the subject of priest abuse to come and hear what this man had to say? It’s not like there are a lot of priests out there who are standing up publicly and taking any kind of heat on this. The very least concerned parishioners could have done, if they were available to attend, was hear Conway out.
Yeah, come on, parishoners! It's really you who is to blame, you know.
You can go online and look at the grand jury report (www.bishop-accountability.org/2005¬¬_09_21_Philly_GrandJury). It’s pretty ugly stuff. Conway is mentioned on pages 218-219 in regard to Father David C. Sicoli, one of the accused priests, who, according to the report, “had in his secret archives file a long history of abusive and manipulative relationships with adolescents.” Sicoli has a local connection as well, as he was assistant pastor at St. Joseph in Ambler for a few months in 1975 before being transferred reportedly because of a tiff with the pastor.
Borsch loves these "local connection" angles, no matter how obscure. Sicoli was in Ambler! John Oates was from North Penn! Be interested!
“I come across [in the 2005 grand jury report] as some kind of monster and I’m lumped together with horrible people who have covered up those ugly sins,” Conway said. “I jumped out of bed the other night and realized that this [grand jury report] is on the Internet and it will be there forever. Someday I won’t be around to explain it.”
Conway is quick to point out that his name is not mentioned in the 2011 grand jury report, the details of which were released in February. “You can draw your own conclusions on that,” he said.
If the meeting was as boring as Borsch's story, it's no surprise more people didn't show up.
In addition to offering his explanation, Conway said the other reason he wanted to speak directly to parishioners was because the MMR community doesn’t know him all that well yet. He came to MMR in late summer 2010 to replace the much-loved and popular Monsignor Philip Ricci, founding pastor of MMR, who had retired.
Following Monsignor Ricci to MMR is a difficult enough task. The guy built the parish. There will probably be a statue of him on the church grounds someday. So having one’s name associated with a grand jury report about priest abuse could make the task of moving MMR forward next to impossible for Conway.
Opinions like this are sure to fire people up. You know how excited people get about the "Monsignor Ricci statue on the church grounds someday" issue.
“For some reason, the regional vicars knew nothing about any sexual abuse history,” said Conway, who has been a priest for 34 years. “We thought we were doing good things. We were talking about guys going to different parishes without knowing their backgrounds.”
That's a really, really lame excuse, by the way. That's something an opinion piece might call attention to...
Another reason the MMR folks are so touchy is because they’ve faced the issue of priest abuse in the past.
... but nope! We breeze past it for more dull, repetitive reporting!
From 2000 to 2002, Father Francis J. Gallagher was assistant pastor at MMR. He was involved in the capital campaign committee that raised funds for the school, which eventually was built and opened in 2003. But in 2002, Monsignor Ricci made an announcement at Mass one Sunday that Father Gallagher had left, without elaborating. Gallagher is named in the grand jury report as an abusive priest.
Does this vague story count as "facing the issue in the past"?
Also, when Monsignor Ricci retired in 2010, the archdiocese announced the appointment of Monsignor Joseph Logrip to MMR, but he never officially took over and parishioners were informed that he wasn’t coming for personal reasons. Logrip was one of the 21 priests removed from active ministry after the release of the 2011 grand jury report.
I'm including this entire story to emphasize just how terrible it is. "Also"? Do real journalists start their paragraphs with "also"?
By the end of the evening, Conway had urged parishioners to make their voices heard in Philadelphia and beyond, even in Rome if that’s what it took to effect change. Church members asked Conway to make a request to Cardinal Justin Rigali that the cardinal come to MMR and speak to the concerned parishioners.
The amount of raw, unfiltered Borsch opinion here is staggering.
That’s not likely to happen. My sense is that Cardinal Rigali likely wouldn’t face the public in this situation and would prefer that the front-line soldiers in the Philadelphia Archdiocese like Monsignor Conway be the tip of the spear. Besides, it would be a media frenzy if Rigali showed up to a local parish ready to publicly answer questions about priest abuse.
What a shrewd observer of the patently obvious!
Monsignor Conway has walked a fine line here. He’s got 34 years invested in his career as a priest. To keep his job, he’s likely still got to take his marching orders from the archdiocese. But to protect his name and reputation, he obviously felt it was necessary to take his case directly to the people.
Wow. That's right, folks - he went there. He actually pointed out that Conway appeared at the meeting.
Would he have stood in the house of God in front of angry parishioners he just met for the first time less than a year ago and lied to them? I think not. That would be unwise. He may have been naïve about priest abuse issues, as he claimed, but he doesn’t strike me as stupid.
This is the dumbest reasoning I've ever seen. "Conway is smart. Therefore, he would not lie. Lying is unwise."
People want to know who knew what and when they knew it when it comes to priests abusing children. There is no middle ground there. It’s a heinous crime and it’s just as heinous to go to great lengths to cover it up.
So abusing children is bad. Bold words, sir.
Conway admitted that those close to him had advised that Monday evening’s event — while initially designed for Conway to explain himself to the parishioners — could and likely would turn angry at some point, which it did. Emotions ran high.
It seemed to me, though, that many of those in attendance — but not all — were mostly satisfied with Conway’s explanations and respected the fact that he had stood in front of them and tried to answer their questions. And although parishioners now appear to be looking up the chain of command above Conway for answers, they all seemed to be looking for guidance and leadership, and Conway may have missed an opportunity there.
"...looking up the chain of command above..." Nice. If only Borsch was a Catholic priest faced with an abuse scandal, eh? No doubt he'd provide flawless guidance and leadership in the face of adversity. This is the fourth-to-last sentence, and we finally have opinion and analysis. Sort of.
“I’m not trying to start a campaign here, I’m just trying to make a point,” said Conway.
Given the circumstances and the lack of clear answers, maybe Monsignor Conway is right when he says he just doesn’t know what to do now. At this point, maybe nobody does.
And that's it. "What's my opinion? I don't know. Probably nobody does." Can you believe this cop-out? And this is supposed to be "analysis"? "I don't know"? Just further proof that, no matter the genre... Borsch just can't pull it off.
Published: Tuesday, March 29, 2011
By Mike Morsch
Executive Editor
Not "Outta Leftfield" - "Column." Like he's actually trying to write a serious opinion piece. Like he's in any way qualified (or able) to express an opinion on a serious issue.
Editor’s note: Mike Morsch is executive editor of Montgomery Newspapers. He has family members that are members of Mary, Mother of the Redeemer Parish in North Wales and was at this meeting Monday evening. What follows is strictly an opinion piece with some analysis on what he observed.
The "Editor" is, presumably, Borsch himself. This begs the question: has he ever reported on a news issue in which he was not personally involved?
Parishioners at Mary, Mother of the Redeemer in North Wales are angry and upset at the scandal now gripping the Philadelphia Archdiocese in the wake of the most recent grand jury report that has forced the archdiocese to take 21 priests out of active ministry for allegedly sexually abusing young boys.
Yes, that was all one sentence. We're off to a good start.
And on Monday evening, MMR’s pastor, Monsignor John T. Conway, put himself squarely in the congregation’s collective crosshairs in front of what at times seemed like a pitchfork and flaming torches kind of crowd looking for answers and guidance.
Mix metaphors much? Not only did he put himself in the crosshairs, he did it in front of a crowd armed with pitchforks and torches! And yes, that, too, was all one sentence. No much-needed hyphens in "pitchfork and flaming torches kind."
For Monsignor Conway, it was a lose-lose situation. And although he met the situation head-on — and for that he deserves a lot of credit — he didn’t necessarily have a lot of answers that people were seeking.
Imagine Borsch taking command during such a crisis! Truly one of our great leaders is he.
Conway’s name appears in a 2005 grand jury report involving priest abuse. He isn’t accused of committing any of the abuse, but it is strongly alleged that as regional vicar for South Philadelphia back in the late 1990s, he knew about and was part of the hierarchy that transferred priests with a history of sexual abuse into other parishes, where they would be in direct contact with adolescent boys.
Thus far, not a whole lot of opinion OR analysis. More like - surprise! - boring summary of an already-reported issue.
Conway denies the charge, saying he wasn’t privy to any information of past abuse in any priest’s personnel file and he wanted MMR parishioners to hear that directly from him.
Does Borsch credit the reporters who actually gathered all the facts he's repeating?
“All I’m asking you tonight is to hear what I have to say,” said Conway to approximately 200 parishioners at a meeting the monsignor said was being held with the full knowledge of the Philadelphia Archdiocese. “I wish more people were here.”
Wow, you gotta love using "said Conway" and "the monsignor said" in the same sentence.
He’s right about that. MMR is approximately 6,000-members strong — one of the 10 largest parishes in the archdiocese — and only around 200 of those were interested enough in the subject of priest abuse to come and hear what this man had to say? It’s not like there are a lot of priests out there who are standing up publicly and taking any kind of heat on this. The very least concerned parishioners could have done, if they were available to attend, was hear Conway out.
Yeah, come on, parishoners! It's really you who is to blame, you know.
You can go online and look at the grand jury report (www.bishop-accountability.org/2005¬¬_09_21_Philly_GrandJury). It’s pretty ugly stuff. Conway is mentioned on pages 218-219 in regard to Father David C. Sicoli, one of the accused priests, who, according to the report, “had in his secret archives file a long history of abusive and manipulative relationships with adolescents.” Sicoli has a local connection as well, as he was assistant pastor at St. Joseph in Ambler for a few months in 1975 before being transferred reportedly because of a tiff with the pastor.
Borsch loves these "local connection" angles, no matter how obscure. Sicoli was in Ambler! John Oates was from North Penn! Be interested!
“I come across [in the 2005 grand jury report] as some kind of monster and I’m lumped together with horrible people who have covered up those ugly sins,” Conway said. “I jumped out of bed the other night and realized that this [grand jury report] is on the Internet and it will be there forever. Someday I won’t be around to explain it.”
Conway is quick to point out that his name is not mentioned in the 2011 grand jury report, the details of which were released in February. “You can draw your own conclusions on that,” he said.
If the meeting was as boring as Borsch's story, it's no surprise more people didn't show up.
In addition to offering his explanation, Conway said the other reason he wanted to speak directly to parishioners was because the MMR community doesn’t know him all that well yet. He came to MMR in late summer 2010 to replace the much-loved and popular Monsignor Philip Ricci, founding pastor of MMR, who had retired.
Following Monsignor Ricci to MMR is a difficult enough task. The guy built the parish. There will probably be a statue of him on the church grounds someday. So having one’s name associated with a grand jury report about priest abuse could make the task of moving MMR forward next to impossible for Conway.
Opinions like this are sure to fire people up. You know how excited people get about the "Monsignor Ricci statue on the church grounds someday" issue.
“For some reason, the regional vicars knew nothing about any sexual abuse history,” said Conway, who has been a priest for 34 years. “We thought we were doing good things. We were talking about guys going to different parishes without knowing their backgrounds.”
That's a really, really lame excuse, by the way. That's something an opinion piece might call attention to...
Another reason the MMR folks are so touchy is because they’ve faced the issue of priest abuse in the past.
... but nope! We breeze past it for more dull, repetitive reporting!
From 2000 to 2002, Father Francis J. Gallagher was assistant pastor at MMR. He was involved in the capital campaign committee that raised funds for the school, which eventually was built and opened in 2003. But in 2002, Monsignor Ricci made an announcement at Mass one Sunday that Father Gallagher had left, without elaborating. Gallagher is named in the grand jury report as an abusive priest.
Does this vague story count as "facing the issue in the past"?
Also, when Monsignor Ricci retired in 2010, the archdiocese announced the appointment of Monsignor Joseph Logrip to MMR, but he never officially took over and parishioners were informed that he wasn’t coming for personal reasons. Logrip was one of the 21 priests removed from active ministry after the release of the 2011 grand jury report.
I'm including this entire story to emphasize just how terrible it is. "Also"? Do real journalists start their paragraphs with "also"?
By the end of the evening, Conway had urged parishioners to make their voices heard in Philadelphia and beyond, even in Rome if that’s what it took to effect change. Church members asked Conway to make a request to Cardinal Justin Rigali that the cardinal come to MMR and speak to the concerned parishioners.
The amount of raw, unfiltered Borsch opinion here is staggering.
That’s not likely to happen. My sense is that Cardinal Rigali likely wouldn’t face the public in this situation and would prefer that the front-line soldiers in the Philadelphia Archdiocese like Monsignor Conway be the tip of the spear. Besides, it would be a media frenzy if Rigali showed up to a local parish ready to publicly answer questions about priest abuse.
What a shrewd observer of the patently obvious!
Monsignor Conway has walked a fine line here. He’s got 34 years invested in his career as a priest. To keep his job, he’s likely still got to take his marching orders from the archdiocese. But to protect his name and reputation, he obviously felt it was necessary to take his case directly to the people.
Wow. That's right, folks - he went there. He actually pointed out that Conway appeared at the meeting.
Would he have stood in the house of God in front of angry parishioners he just met for the first time less than a year ago and lied to them? I think not. That would be unwise. He may have been naïve about priest abuse issues, as he claimed, but he doesn’t strike me as stupid.
This is the dumbest reasoning I've ever seen. "Conway is smart. Therefore, he would not lie. Lying is unwise."
People want to know who knew what and when they knew it when it comes to priests abusing children. There is no middle ground there. It’s a heinous crime and it’s just as heinous to go to great lengths to cover it up.
So abusing children is bad. Bold words, sir.
Conway admitted that those close to him had advised that Monday evening’s event — while initially designed for Conway to explain himself to the parishioners — could and likely would turn angry at some point, which it did. Emotions ran high.
It seemed to me, though, that many of those in attendance — but not all — were mostly satisfied with Conway’s explanations and respected the fact that he had stood in front of them and tried to answer their questions. And although parishioners now appear to be looking up the chain of command above Conway for answers, they all seemed to be looking for guidance and leadership, and Conway may have missed an opportunity there.
"...looking up the chain of command above..." Nice. If only Borsch was a Catholic priest faced with an abuse scandal, eh? No doubt he'd provide flawless guidance and leadership in the face of adversity. This is the fourth-to-last sentence, and we finally have opinion and analysis. Sort of.
“I’m not trying to start a campaign here, I’m just trying to make a point,” said Conway.
Given the circumstances and the lack of clear answers, maybe Monsignor Conway is right when he says he just doesn’t know what to do now. At this point, maybe nobody does.
And that's it. "What's my opinion? I don't know. Probably nobody does." Can you believe this cop-out? And this is supposed to be "analysis"? "I don't know"? Just further proof that, no matter the genre... Borsch just can't pull it off.
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
Nonsensical
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
Spring-Ford's 'Seussical' simply spectacular
Two thoughts. One: Borsch obviously knows someone who is personally involved with this production and is using his humor blog to promote it. Two: Another "I saw something and liked it" post?
Who doesn’t like Dr. Seuss?
Hitler.
I always enjoyed reading the books to my kids when they were youngsters, especially “Hop on Pop” and “One Fish Two Fish Red Fish Blue Fish.”
So it wouldn’t really be much of a stretch for me to enjoy last weekend’s performance of “Seussical” at Spring-Ford High School.
How lame and uncreative is that intro? "I like Dr. Seuss. So does everyone else. Therefore, I liked this show I went to." The readers of 12 newspapers can link to this! Put some pride into it!
That in and of itself would be good enough, but the fact that Younger Daughter was the stage manager for the production made it even sweeter.
... And there we have it. Please see last year's hilarious entry about the "Beauty and the Beast" show the kids put on.
I never underestimate the high school productions in this area. They are wonderful opportunities for young people to showcase their talents.
This production is a talent showcase - don't underestimate it! What sense does that make?
While I’m more familiar with the Spring-Ford performances because I have a daughter who has been involved with them throughout her high school years, I’m sure other parents with children in other area schools feel the same as I do, as they should.
So first he says that he never "underestimates" high school shows "in this area." We can read "I'm more familiar with... Spring-Ford" as "I've never seen a show other than Spring-Ford's." But hey, he assumes that other parents "feel the same way" (what exactly does he feel again?), so it's all good.
Under the direction of teacher Aimee Oblak, the kids did a fabulous job with “Seussical.” It looked to be a lot of hard work by everyone involved to stage this show.
"Fabulous." "Looked to be a lot of hard work." Why isn't this man writing reviews for the Times???
And the orchestra, led by musical director Joseph Perry, was absolutely stellar. I love seeing young people have the opportunity to explore their musical talents.
Of course, I’m biased because I have a daughter who was an integral part of the production.
The mind boggles at how many generic superlatives he will heap upon her.
While I was impressed with all the performers, I have come to particularly like watching the work of Adam Speelhoffer, who played General Gengus Khan Schmitz in “Seussical.” He’s one of Younger Daughter’s pals, and seems like a decent kid on those times that I’ve met him, which probably explains why I like him.
So his performance was great for the following reasons:
1.) Friend of daughter
2.) *Decent kid
*Seems to be
In addition, he is a fellow of size, like me, and he has a stage presence that I quite enjoy.
3.) Is fat
As you can see by the accompanying picture, Younger Daughter was quite pleased with Saturday evening’s performance. According to her, there were no glitches from the stage manager’s perspective. I’m so proud of my baby girl and I’m happy that she was happy with the production.
Well if he's happy that she's happy, I'm happy. Even though we get no details about the show, no interesting backstage stories... and no comedic material.
Labels: `, Mike Morsch, Montgomery Newspapers, Outta Leftfield, Seussical, Spring-Ford High School
That's right - he labeled an apostrophe.
Spring-Ford's 'Seussical' simply spectacular
Two thoughts. One: Borsch obviously knows someone who is personally involved with this production and is using his humor blog to promote it. Two: Another "I saw something and liked it" post?
Who doesn’t like Dr. Seuss?
Hitler.
I always enjoyed reading the books to my kids when they were youngsters, especially “Hop on Pop” and “One Fish Two Fish Red Fish Blue Fish.”
So it wouldn’t really be much of a stretch for me to enjoy last weekend’s performance of “Seussical” at Spring-Ford High School.
How lame and uncreative is that intro? "I like Dr. Seuss. So does everyone else. Therefore, I liked this show I went to." The readers of 12 newspapers can link to this! Put some pride into it!
That in and of itself would be good enough, but the fact that Younger Daughter was the stage manager for the production made it even sweeter.
... And there we have it. Please see last year's hilarious entry about the "Beauty and the Beast" show the kids put on.
I never underestimate the high school productions in this area. They are wonderful opportunities for young people to showcase their talents.
This production is a talent showcase - don't underestimate it! What sense does that make?
While I’m more familiar with the Spring-Ford performances because I have a daughter who has been involved with them throughout her high school years, I’m sure other parents with children in other area schools feel the same as I do, as they should.
So first he says that he never "underestimates" high school shows "in this area." We can read "I'm more familiar with... Spring-Ford" as "I've never seen a show other than Spring-Ford's." But hey, he assumes that other parents "feel the same way" (what exactly does he feel again?), so it's all good.
Under the direction of teacher Aimee Oblak, the kids did a fabulous job with “Seussical.” It looked to be a lot of hard work by everyone involved to stage this show.
"Fabulous." "Looked to be a lot of hard work." Why isn't this man writing reviews for the Times???
And the orchestra, led by musical director Joseph Perry, was absolutely stellar. I love seeing young people have the opportunity to explore their musical talents.
Of course, I’m biased because I have a daughter who was an integral part of the production.
The mind boggles at how many generic superlatives he will heap upon her.
While I was impressed with all the performers, I have come to particularly like watching the work of Adam Speelhoffer, who played General Gengus Khan Schmitz in “Seussical.” He’s one of Younger Daughter’s pals, and seems like a decent kid on those times that I’ve met him, which probably explains why I like him.
So his performance was great for the following reasons:
1.) Friend of daughter
2.) *Decent kid
*Seems to be
In addition, he is a fellow of size, like me, and he has a stage presence that I quite enjoy.
3.) Is fat
As you can see by the accompanying picture, Younger Daughter was quite pleased with Saturday evening’s performance. According to her, there were no glitches from the stage manager’s perspective. I’m so proud of my baby girl and I’m happy that she was happy with the production.
Well if he's happy that she's happy, I'm happy. Even though we get no details about the show, no interesting backstage stories... and no comedic material.
Labels: `, Mike Morsch, Montgomery Newspapers, Outta Leftfield, Seussical, Spring-Ford High School
That's right - he labeled an apostrophe.
Monday, March 28, 2011
Sub-Par Analysis
Quoth the Bard:
Is Nyger Morgan that much of a horse's patoot that the Nationals don't want a guy who does a decent job getting on and steals bases?
Unfortunately, his name is spelled "Nyjer."
Equally unfortunately, last year Morgan batted .253 and had a .319 OBP - hardly a "decent job." Struck out more than he walked. He did steal 34 bases, but he also got caught 17 times - second most in the Majors in 2010 (he got caught the most times in 2009).
So Morgan is a guy who can't get on base and is doesn't steal very well. Add in those 4 career home runs, and you have a sure-fire Borsch keeper!
Is Nyger Morgan that much of a horse's patoot that the Nationals don't want a guy who does a decent job getting on and steals bases?
Unfortunately, his name is spelled "Nyjer."
Equally unfortunately, last year Morgan batted .253 and had a .319 OBP - hardly a "decent job." Struck out more than he walked. He did steal 34 bases, but he also got caught 17 times - second most in the Majors in 2010 (he got caught the most times in 2009).
So Morgan is a guy who can't get on base and is doesn't steal very well. Add in those 4 career home runs, and you have a sure-fire Borsch keeper!
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
A little late, but...
Outta Leftfield: It's not easy trying to get a grip on the reality of golf technology
Published: Tuesday, March 22, 2011
By Mike Morsch
Executive Editor
Undoubtedly the latest in a long, long line of "things I don't understand" columns.
Golf is not my game. I have stated many times in this space over the years, when I hit a little white ball with a stick, I believe someone else should chase after it. I shouldn’t have to find it myself and then hit it again. Or in my case, again and again and again and again and again.
In over a year of reading his columns, I've never, ever seen him even reference golf before. Honestly, if Borsch tried to swing a golf club, he'd probably tear both his knees, throw out a hip and pull something in his back.
But a new golf product just might — and I stress “might” — make me rethink my position on golf.
It's amazing that a new golf product would impact his thoughts on golf. Paging the Department of Redundancy Department!
It’s called the SensoGlove, and it’s a golf glove that’s supposed to ensure that I have a consistently accurate, smooth and powerful golf swing that will produce greater distance on drives and lower overall scores.
Once again, we don't need to know that it's a golf glove that will improve your golf swing. That just goes without saying.
Right off the top of my head, I wish there was a glove that I could wear that when I grabbed a snow shovel. I would be assured of producing a more cleanly shoveled driveway with lower overall back and keister pain.
There should not be a period after "shovel." That's not even a sentence. Does shoving really punish the butt area? Not in my experience.
I’d also like to point out that for occasional recreational golfers, the very first thing we’d need to do to ensure a more accurate, smooth and powerful swing that will produce longer drives and lower scores would be to not place a cooler of beer on the back of a golf cart. That would certainly improve my game, if I were concerned about the more important aspects of golf. Usually I am concerned more about the refreshments until I get to No. 14, at which time I become more concerned about trying to avoid driving the golf cart through every dadgummed sprinkler on the golf course. As you can imagine, that has become a more challenging aspect of golf for me over the years than actually putting the ball in the hole.
Woah, who could have imagined that he'd introduce BEER into the column? And why would the "dadgummed" sprinklers become a concern only at No. 14?
In fact, I am so unconcerned with my golf score that on those rare occasions where I do hit the links, I usually keep score not by the number of strokes I take but by the number of golf balls that I lose. I usually finish a round of 18 holes with about a 22, which I believe is still the course record at Lincoln Greens in Springfield, Ill. And yes, I am very proud.
And here I thought we'd get through an entire column without a reference to his Illinois roots. What a fool I am.
But with something like the SensoGlove, it sounds like maybe I wouldn’t spend as much time in the weeds. It has built-in digital sensors that continuously read the user’s grip pressure. According to promotional material about the glove, its “small, sweat-proof 1.2-inch LED digital monitor analyzes the pressure of the swing through highly responsive sensors placed throughout the glove. Just swing the golf club to receive real-time audio and visual feedback at 80 times per second by the small sensors that warn you if you exceed your target level of grip pressure.”
I don't know about you, but I just LOVE it when he repeats the product's promotional information.
Sweat-proof? LED digital monitor? Real-time audio and video? Grip pressure? It’s golf for crimminy sakes! See, this is what happens when you let the scientists get a hold of a crate of golf gloves. They go all Einstein on a project like this and come up with something that Al Czervik would drag out to Bushwood Country Club for a round with Mr. Wang.
Yeah, because only an Einstein could comprehend real-time audio and video. Seriously. Slow down, egghead.
Here is where I start to become confused, which as you know is a common occurrence, and even more so when it comes to golf. So maybe you regular golfers can help me out on this. The SensoGlove folks are stressing that the key to a good golf score is the proper lightness of one’s grip on the club, thereby avoiding bad habits and injuries.
But doesn’t a golfer still have to put the club on the ball? In other words, wouldn’t a proper backswing, impact, follow-through, hand-eye coordination and the ability to chip and putt all be just as important to a low golf score as the proper grip of the club?
Why, suddenly he's a pro! He knows all the terminology! But please, stop prefacing everything with the word "golf." We know what sport you're playing.
I believe I already know the answer to that, which the rules clearly state earns me a dozen Cuban cigars for my next round. (I need a dozen not because I could smoke that many over the course of 18 holes but because many of them will get wet from the sprinklers and those that don’t will probably end up lost somewhere along the way.)
What? What rules? Why a dozen Cuban cigars? Why the constant sprinkler references?
Of course, for only $89, I can purchase the SensoGlove and find out for myself. Fortunately, the SensoGlove — made of fine cabretta leather, which I’m sure was traumatic for the cabrettas — is available for both hands and for both men and women. In fact, the digital monitor can be removed, and the SensoGlove can function as a regular golf glove, good news for those of us whose carts spend a lot of time near the sprinklers.
STOP SAYING GOLF. And I just can't get enough sprinkler references!
The SensoGlove people are calling this the perfect Father’s Day gift. Pfffftttt. The perfect Father’s Day gift would be a glove that helped chill bottles.
Unless you drink out of a can.
Published: Tuesday, March 22, 2011
By Mike Morsch
Executive Editor
Undoubtedly the latest in a long, long line of "things I don't understand" columns.
Golf is not my game. I have stated many times in this space over the years, when I hit a little white ball with a stick, I believe someone else should chase after it. I shouldn’t have to find it myself and then hit it again. Or in my case, again and again and again and again and again.
In over a year of reading his columns, I've never, ever seen him even reference golf before. Honestly, if Borsch tried to swing a golf club, he'd probably tear both his knees, throw out a hip and pull something in his back.
But a new golf product just might — and I stress “might” — make me rethink my position on golf.
It's amazing that a new golf product would impact his thoughts on golf. Paging the Department of Redundancy Department!
It’s called the SensoGlove, and it’s a golf glove that’s supposed to ensure that I have a consistently accurate, smooth and powerful golf swing that will produce greater distance on drives and lower overall scores.
Once again, we don't need to know that it's a golf glove that will improve your golf swing. That just goes without saying.
Right off the top of my head, I wish there was a glove that I could wear that when I grabbed a snow shovel. I would be assured of producing a more cleanly shoveled driveway with lower overall back and keister pain.
There should not be a period after "shovel." That's not even a sentence. Does shoving really punish the butt area? Not in my experience.
I’d also like to point out that for occasional recreational golfers, the very first thing we’d need to do to ensure a more accurate, smooth and powerful swing that will produce longer drives and lower scores would be to not place a cooler of beer on the back of a golf cart. That would certainly improve my game, if I were concerned about the more important aspects of golf. Usually I am concerned more about the refreshments until I get to No. 14, at which time I become more concerned about trying to avoid driving the golf cart through every dadgummed sprinkler on the golf course. As you can imagine, that has become a more challenging aspect of golf for me over the years than actually putting the ball in the hole.
Woah, who could have imagined that he'd introduce BEER into the column? And why would the "dadgummed" sprinklers become a concern only at No. 14?
In fact, I am so unconcerned with my golf score that on those rare occasions where I do hit the links, I usually keep score not by the number of strokes I take but by the number of golf balls that I lose. I usually finish a round of 18 holes with about a 22, which I believe is still the course record at Lincoln Greens in Springfield, Ill. And yes, I am very proud.
And here I thought we'd get through an entire column without a reference to his Illinois roots. What a fool I am.
But with something like the SensoGlove, it sounds like maybe I wouldn’t spend as much time in the weeds. It has built-in digital sensors that continuously read the user’s grip pressure. According to promotional material about the glove, its “small, sweat-proof 1.2-inch LED digital monitor analyzes the pressure of the swing through highly responsive sensors placed throughout the glove. Just swing the golf club to receive real-time audio and visual feedback at 80 times per second by the small sensors that warn you if you exceed your target level of grip pressure.”
I don't know about you, but I just LOVE it when he repeats the product's promotional information.
Sweat-proof? LED digital monitor? Real-time audio and video? Grip pressure? It’s golf for crimminy sakes! See, this is what happens when you let the scientists get a hold of a crate of golf gloves. They go all Einstein on a project like this and come up with something that Al Czervik would drag out to Bushwood Country Club for a round with Mr. Wang.
Yeah, because only an Einstein could comprehend real-time audio and video. Seriously. Slow down, egghead.
Here is where I start to become confused, which as you know is a common occurrence, and even more so when it comes to golf. So maybe you regular golfers can help me out on this. The SensoGlove folks are stressing that the key to a good golf score is the proper lightness of one’s grip on the club, thereby avoiding bad habits and injuries.
But doesn’t a golfer still have to put the club on the ball? In other words, wouldn’t a proper backswing, impact, follow-through, hand-eye coordination and the ability to chip and putt all be just as important to a low golf score as the proper grip of the club?
Why, suddenly he's a pro! He knows all the terminology! But please, stop prefacing everything with the word "golf." We know what sport you're playing.
I believe I already know the answer to that, which the rules clearly state earns me a dozen Cuban cigars for my next round. (I need a dozen not because I could smoke that many over the course of 18 holes but because many of them will get wet from the sprinklers and those that don’t will probably end up lost somewhere along the way.)
What? What rules? Why a dozen Cuban cigars? Why the constant sprinkler references?
Of course, for only $89, I can purchase the SensoGlove and find out for myself. Fortunately, the SensoGlove — made of fine cabretta leather, which I’m sure was traumatic for the cabrettas — is available for both hands and for both men and women. In fact, the digital monitor can be removed, and the SensoGlove can function as a regular golf glove, good news for those of us whose carts spend a lot of time near the sprinklers.
STOP SAYING GOLF. And I just can't get enough sprinkler references!
The SensoGlove people are calling this the perfect Father’s Day gift. Pfffftttt. The perfect Father’s Day gift would be a glove that helped chill bottles.
Unless you drink out of a can.
A... movie review? Maybe?
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
Crocodile rockin' at the movies
It's been quite a while since we've had one of these "I saw a movie and liked it" posts.
Garden gnomes. Hulk Hogan. Elton John’s music.
I never thought I’d use that series of words in the same paragraph.
Seven words equals a "paragraph"? Seems kinda grandiose.
Elton John has never sung Hulk Hogan songs, Hulk Hogan has never rassled Elton John and garden gnomes, well, I think they’re kind of cool and have three of them in my front yard.
This sentence is so confusing. What's a "Hulk Hogan song"? Why must he say "rassled"? Why does the "well" seem so awkward?
When I see the tips of their red hats start to emerge from the snow, I know spring is at hand. But they really don’t have anything to do with those two pop culture icons.
We have now established the fact that these three things don't have much in common.
Until now, thanks to the movie “Gnomeo and Juliet,” currently in theaters. My affinity for gnomes and Elton John music — I’ve seen him in concert at least once in each of the last four decades — attracted me to the flick, especially because it features a fabulously updated version of Sir Elton’s “Crocodile Rock,” which he sings with Nelly Furtado
You heard right, folks - he loves Elton John so much he has attended AT LEAST four of his concerts in the last 40 years! Now there's a fan. And yes, he missed a period after "Nelly Furtado". Way to proofread.
So along with Younger Daughter, a month removed from her 17th birthday, we finally coordinated schedules and were able to see the movie Sunday evening.
So who else did they see the movie with? "Along with Younger Daughter" implies there was a third party present.
Throughout the previews and for the first several minutes of the movie, we were the only ones in the Oaks theater, which we determined would provide a great opportunity to get up and dance during “Crocodile Rock” without fear of embarrassment.
Unfortunately, four other people did enter the theater moments later, which is probably a good thing because Elton himself —executive producer of the movie — would have probably jumped through the screen to tell me to sit down and quit embarrassing myself.
But... I thought he could dance "without fear of embarrassment." It seems like an odd idea that Elton's status as executive producer somehow gives him the power to "jump through the screen."
The movie — based, of course, on Bill Shakespeare’s work —
Damn you, sir. Don't drag Shakespeare through the mud by mentioning him here. Do you think Borsch has ever read a Shakespeare play? Probably not - no baseball, hot dogs or country music material in them.
boasts the voices of some top-shelf acting talent like James McAvoy (Gnomeo), Emily Blunt (Juliet) Maggie Smith (Lady Blueberry, Gnomeo’s mom), Michael Caine (Lord Redbrick, Juliet’s dad) and of course Hulk Hogan, who plays the voice of a lawn mower called the “Terrafirminator” in all his growly rasslin’ fervor. (Those of you who refuse to put Hogan in the same category as those other actors and actresses obviously haven’t seen “Mr. Nanny.”)
I would have picked "Suburban Commando" as Mr. Hogan's true tour-de-force, but Borsch and I will just have to agree to disagree. Maggie Smith and Michael Caine, okay... but James McAvoy and Emily Blunt now qualify as "top-shelf acting talent"?
Of course, the movie is wonderfully cute and sweet and the Elton John songs are, well Elton John songs, and they’re just as good in the context of a kids’ film as they’ve ever been in any other context.
"Of course"? As though it goes without saying that the film is cute and sweet? Why? We have another awkward use of "well," this time without a comma after it so that we get the odd "well Elton John songs". And we get a truly ludicrous number of superlatives about context.
But the main takeaway was that my teenage daughter didn’t mind going to this film with her old man. Because I’m so old I remember when rock was young. And as it turned out, me and her, we had so much fun.
Really - that's the "main takeaway"? That's odd, because the entire column has been about Elton John and the film's "all-star" cast. Also, please note the classic Borsch strategy of using song lyrics in sentence form.
Labels: Mike Morsch, Montgomery Newspapers, Outta Leftfield
Hey, here's an idea - how about labeling it with "Elton John," "Gnomeo and Juliet," or "Oaks Theater"? No? Okay then.
Crocodile rockin' at the movies
It's been quite a while since we've had one of these "I saw a movie and liked it" posts.
Garden gnomes. Hulk Hogan. Elton John’s music.
I never thought I’d use that series of words in the same paragraph.
Seven words equals a "paragraph"? Seems kinda grandiose.
Elton John has never sung Hulk Hogan songs, Hulk Hogan has never rassled Elton John and garden gnomes, well, I think they’re kind of cool and have three of them in my front yard.
This sentence is so confusing. What's a "Hulk Hogan song"? Why must he say "rassled"? Why does the "well" seem so awkward?
When I see the tips of their red hats start to emerge from the snow, I know spring is at hand. But they really don’t have anything to do with those two pop culture icons.
We have now established the fact that these three things don't have much in common.
Until now, thanks to the movie “Gnomeo and Juliet,” currently in theaters. My affinity for gnomes and Elton John music — I’ve seen him in concert at least once in each of the last four decades — attracted me to the flick, especially because it features a fabulously updated version of Sir Elton’s “Crocodile Rock,” which he sings with Nelly Furtado
You heard right, folks - he loves Elton John so much he has attended AT LEAST four of his concerts in the last 40 years! Now there's a fan. And yes, he missed a period after "Nelly Furtado". Way to proofread.
So along with Younger Daughter, a month removed from her 17th birthday, we finally coordinated schedules and were able to see the movie Sunday evening.
So who else did they see the movie with? "Along with Younger Daughter" implies there was a third party present.
Throughout the previews and for the first several minutes of the movie, we were the only ones in the Oaks theater, which we determined would provide a great opportunity to get up and dance during “Crocodile Rock” without fear of embarrassment.
Unfortunately, four other people did enter the theater moments later, which is probably a good thing because Elton himself —executive producer of the movie — would have probably jumped through the screen to tell me to sit down and quit embarrassing myself.
But... I thought he could dance "without fear of embarrassment." It seems like an odd idea that Elton's status as executive producer somehow gives him the power to "jump through the screen."
The movie — based, of course, on Bill Shakespeare’s work —
Damn you, sir. Don't drag Shakespeare through the mud by mentioning him here. Do you think Borsch has ever read a Shakespeare play? Probably not - no baseball, hot dogs or country music material in them.
boasts the voices of some top-shelf acting talent like James McAvoy (Gnomeo), Emily Blunt (Juliet) Maggie Smith (Lady Blueberry, Gnomeo’s mom), Michael Caine (Lord Redbrick, Juliet’s dad) and of course Hulk Hogan, who plays the voice of a lawn mower called the “Terrafirminator” in all his growly rasslin’ fervor. (Those of you who refuse to put Hogan in the same category as those other actors and actresses obviously haven’t seen “Mr. Nanny.”)
I would have picked "Suburban Commando" as Mr. Hogan's true tour-de-force, but Borsch and I will just have to agree to disagree. Maggie Smith and Michael Caine, okay... but James McAvoy and Emily Blunt now qualify as "top-shelf acting talent"?
Of course, the movie is wonderfully cute and sweet and the Elton John songs are, well Elton John songs, and they’re just as good in the context of a kids’ film as they’ve ever been in any other context.
"Of course"? As though it goes without saying that the film is cute and sweet? Why? We have another awkward use of "well," this time without a comma after it so that we get the odd "well Elton John songs". And we get a truly ludicrous number of superlatives about context.
But the main takeaway was that my teenage daughter didn’t mind going to this film with her old man. Because I’m so old I remember when rock was young. And as it turned out, me and her, we had so much fun.
Really - that's the "main takeaway"? That's odd, because the entire column has been about Elton John and the film's "all-star" cast. Also, please note the classic Borsch strategy of using song lyrics in sentence form.
Labels: Mike Morsch, Montgomery Newspapers, Outta Leftfield
Hey, here's an idea - how about labeling it with "Elton John," "Gnomeo and Juliet," or "Oaks Theater"? No? Okay then.
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
Surprise! Morsch writes about a Made-Up Holiday
OUTTA LEFTFIELD: Any way you slice it, Pi Day is a good excuse to celebrate Pie Day
Published: Tuesday, March 15, 2011
By Mike Morsch
Executive Editor
A classic Borsch pun title. Can we hope for a few "spilling things on himself" jokes?
Son of Blonde Accountant came to me Sunday evening and said, “Do you want to see what treats I’m taking to school tomorrow for Pie Day?”
“Well, aren’t you taking pie?” I said.
“No, I’m taking brownies and cookies,” he countered.
First - how old is Son of Blonde Accountant? Five? Who says "treats"? Second - trademark over-written fictional conversation, full of unnecessary descriptions and adverbs.
“Why would you take brownies and cookies as treats on Pie Day?” I asked. “You should take pie.”
He then explained to me that we were talking about two different things. Oh.
This would be funny... if the title of the column didn't telegraph this comical misunderstanding beforehand.
I was talking about Pie Day. I wasn’t sure there was actually a holiday where we in this country celebrated pie, but we celebrate a lot of things these days, so why not pie? I like pie, so I’m all in for a day of shoving pie into my piehole. Isn’t that why it’s called a piehole? And besides, “piehole” is a fun word and should be associated with some kind of holiday based on its ability to spice up a sentence.
I think Borsch should start advertising his blog as "a man writing about obscure, comical holidays." And I should have guessed that he'd work the term "piehole" into this one... I mean, the man uses words like "dadgummed" and "goozlepipe."
Well, no, that was wrong. What the young lad was talking about was Pi Day — celebrated every year on March 14 — a day commemorating the mathematical constant (pi). It must be important because it falls in the same week as St. Patrick’s Day.
Um... why?
I wouldn’t have thought that holidays involving pie and beer would fall in the same week, because they don’t seem to go together. I like pie and I like beer, but usually not at the same time, although if there was ever an opportunity to get pie-eyed, it would appear to be this particular week in March.
I know it's hard, but can we stop using the word "pie" so much? What other phrases involving "pie" can we use - pie in the sky, easy as pie, bigger slice of the pie... maybe a reference to Simple Simon?
Somewhere along the line I recall being at least familiar with the existence of Pi Day, and I may have even written about it in the past.
False. And the term "written" should be used loosely.
But as a guy who failed high school algebra, I usually run away from anything involving numbers. And I have absolutely no idea what a mathematical constant is. The only constant in my life when it comes to math is that I have been constantly befuddled and therefore uninterested in it for many years, which may explain why the annual Pi Day slips by me most of the time.
Stop kidding yourself - you never heard of this "day" until your son-in-law mentioned it. Then you read about it on the Internet. "...slips by me most of the time" - like he's so erudite that even the most obscure holidays can only "slip," ninja-like, past his powerful cultural antennae.
Apparently the definition of pi — which I pilfered off the Internet so it must be true
BINGO. At least he's admitting it this time.
— is: “A mathematical constant whose value is the ratio of any Euclidean plane circle’s circumference to its diameter; this is the same value as the ratio of a circle’s area to the square of its radius. It is approximately equal to 3.14159265 in the usual decimal notation. Many formulae from mathematics, science and engineering involve pi, which makes it one of the most important mathematical constants.”
Definitions: nothing funnier.
In addition to “mathematical constant,” let me list the other things in that single paragraph that I don’t understand: (1) ratio; (2) Euclidean plane circle; (3) circumference; (4) diameter; (5) radius; (6) decimal notation; (7) 3.14159265.
Really? "Diameter" and "radius" he doesn't understand? Repeating words from a definition: even funnier.
In fact — and I’d have to double-check this — I don’t think there are any Euclideans flying planes in circles for any branch of our military or any of the major airlines at this time. So I’m not sure why they’re even mentioned in all this math hoo-ha.
And that's it. That's the "end" of the "column." It's like he died while writing it. Can this be considered a "conclusion" by any stretch of the imagination?
Published: Tuesday, March 15, 2011
By Mike Morsch
Executive Editor
A classic Borsch pun title. Can we hope for a few "spilling things on himself" jokes?
Son of Blonde Accountant came to me Sunday evening and said, “Do you want to see what treats I’m taking to school tomorrow for Pie Day?”
“Well, aren’t you taking pie?” I said.
“No, I’m taking brownies and cookies,” he countered.
First - how old is Son of Blonde Accountant? Five? Who says "treats"? Second - trademark over-written fictional conversation, full of unnecessary descriptions and adverbs.
“Why would you take brownies and cookies as treats on Pie Day?” I asked. “You should take pie.”
He then explained to me that we were talking about two different things. Oh.
This would be funny... if the title of the column didn't telegraph this comical misunderstanding beforehand.
I was talking about Pie Day. I wasn’t sure there was actually a holiday where we in this country celebrated pie, but we celebrate a lot of things these days, so why not pie? I like pie, so I’m all in for a day of shoving pie into my piehole. Isn’t that why it’s called a piehole? And besides, “piehole” is a fun word and should be associated with some kind of holiday based on its ability to spice up a sentence.
I think Borsch should start advertising his blog as "a man writing about obscure, comical holidays." And I should have guessed that he'd work the term "piehole" into this one... I mean, the man uses words like "dadgummed" and "goozlepipe."
Well, no, that was wrong. What the young lad was talking about was Pi Day — celebrated every year on March 14 — a day commemorating the mathematical constant (pi). It must be important because it falls in the same week as St. Patrick’s Day.
Um... why?
I wouldn’t have thought that holidays involving pie and beer would fall in the same week, because they don’t seem to go together. I like pie and I like beer, but usually not at the same time, although if there was ever an opportunity to get pie-eyed, it would appear to be this particular week in March.
I know it's hard, but can we stop using the word "pie" so much? What other phrases involving "pie" can we use - pie in the sky, easy as pie, bigger slice of the pie... maybe a reference to Simple Simon?
Somewhere along the line I recall being at least familiar with the existence of Pi Day, and I may have even written about it in the past.
False. And the term "written" should be used loosely.
But as a guy who failed high school algebra, I usually run away from anything involving numbers. And I have absolutely no idea what a mathematical constant is. The only constant in my life when it comes to math is that I have been constantly befuddled and therefore uninterested in it for many years, which may explain why the annual Pi Day slips by me most of the time.
Stop kidding yourself - you never heard of this "day" until your son-in-law mentioned it. Then you read about it on the Internet. "...slips by me most of the time" - like he's so erudite that even the most obscure holidays can only "slip," ninja-like, past his powerful cultural antennae.
Apparently the definition of pi — which I pilfered off the Internet so it must be true
BINGO. At least he's admitting it this time.
— is: “A mathematical constant whose value is the ratio of any Euclidean plane circle’s circumference to its diameter; this is the same value as the ratio of a circle’s area to the square of its radius. It is approximately equal to 3.14159265 in the usual decimal notation. Many formulae from mathematics, science and engineering involve pi, which makes it one of the most important mathematical constants.”
Definitions: nothing funnier.
In addition to “mathematical constant,” let me list the other things in that single paragraph that I don’t understand: (1) ratio; (2) Euclidean plane circle; (3) circumference; (4) diameter; (5) radius; (6) decimal notation; (7) 3.14159265.
Really? "Diameter" and "radius" he doesn't understand? Repeating words from a definition: even funnier.
In fact — and I’d have to double-check this — I don’t think there are any Euclideans flying planes in circles for any branch of our military or any of the major airlines at this time. So I’m not sure why they’re even mentioned in all this math hoo-ha.
And that's it. That's the "end" of the "column." It's like he died while writing it. Can this be considered a "conclusion" by any stretch of the imagination?
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
A Plea for Help
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
Bobblehead immortality
Having read nothing but the title, I'm guessing that this hilarious entry in the Borsch canon will be an add for a contest that gets your face on a bobblehead.
Whenever I get a hankering for some home cooking, I can usually count on my boyhood friend Greg Batton to help me out.
Ah, a little walk down the "growing up in Illinois" pathway, eh? Greg is notorious for being slightly more amusing that his boyhood friend Mike.
Greg and his partner Dan Diorio are morning radio personalities at 1470 WMBD radio in Peoria. I’ve had the pleasure of being on their show a few times over the years when I’m back in Illinois visiting family.
Wow! Why, that practically makes you a celebrity!
And every once in a while — usually when it snows two feet at a time here in Philly — they’ll call me at some ridiculously early hour of the morning and put me on the air to tell the people of Peoria that, yes, it does indeed snow a whole bunch in Philly sometimes. I’m not sure how useful that information is to folks in central Illinois, but we yuk it up and have a good time with it.
Woo-hoo! Only a truly zany morning radio host would think to discuss the weather - always a topic that provides plentiful "yuks."
One time a few years ago, Greg offered his listeners a “What Can I Do For You” campaign on his Facebook page. Essentially, he wanted to do something nice for someone. It was no surprise, he’s been a nice guy his entire life.
That comma should be a semicolon.
It so happened that the day after that Facebook posting, I was headed to Yankee Stadium for a ballgame, so I posted on his Facebook that evening, “You can buy me a hotdog tomorrow at Yankee Stadium.”
Heading to Yankee Stadium for a ballgame... that's a new one on me. And Greg can't be a very nice guy if the thing he does for someone is buy a hotdog for Borsch to ram down his gullet.
I knew that would get him. Greg loves a goofy challenge like that. Radio guys are that way when it comes to goofy stuff.
Well, the guy tried and tried, utilizing every connection he had between Peoria and New York, to get that hotdog to me, but to no avail. Not to be deterred, a few days later, a dozen hotdogs were delivered to my office from a restaurant in Fort Washington.
Because if there's anything he needs, it's more hot dogs. Is this really "funny" material? Is this an "amusing" story?
They weren’t Yankee Stadium hotdogs, but they were even better because Greg had gone to such trouble from halfway across the country to fulfill my request.
Recently, I wanted something else that can only be found in Peoria — it’s called a gondola, which is sort of the central Illinois version of a hoagie, only better. It’s made at a Peoria eatery called Avanti’s and I’ve been going there since I was a kid for that sandwich.
This would be a terribly boring story even if you were just telling it to a friend at the office. Does he really think that the rest of the world cares what kind of sandwiches he got as a kid?
And once again, Greg is on top of this request. But this time, I can do something for him in return.
The Peoria Chiefs, the Chicago Cubs’ Class A minor league baseball team, is running an online “media bobblehead contest.” Personalities from several different media in the Peoria area are involved. The one who gets the most online votes will eventually have his/her likeness on a bobblehead produced by the team.
How cool is that?
The title of the post is "Bobblehead Immortality." We are 2/3 of the way through the post before the first bobblehead reference is made. Thank goodness we got that hilarious hot dog story though!
Greg says that if he and Dan win the promotion and end up being immortalized with their own bobblehead, (since they are a team, they have to “share” one head of the bobble, and I’m not sure how that’s going to work) then he’ll make good on my Avanti’s gondolas request.
I don’t know how he’ll get them out here to Philly in edible condition, but believe me when I say these sammiches are good enough for this kind of effort, and I’m confident that he’ll find a way.
"Sammich." I hate this man.
So I’m calling for Philly for be the difference maker here by voting for Greg and Dan to win this promotion and for me to get my gondolas. Go to www.peoriachiefs.com/mediabobblehead and vote often.
If anything - anything - counts as a "Blatant Promotion Alert," this is it. He has two points to this column:
1.) Help personal friend win contest
2.) Obtain sandwiches
He's not even bothering to be funny about it. Someone, please, take away this man's keyboard.
If the gondolas do actually make their way to Philly, I’ll invite a handful of you over to share a taste of the Midwest.
They really are that good.
We all know he'd never share food with anyone.
Labels: Mike Morsch, Montgomery Newspapers, Outta Leftfield
Does he understand what a "label" is? And fine, if he wants to label his own blog with his own name and the blog title, fine... but how are ANY of these related to Montgomery Newspapers?
Bobblehead immortality
Having read nothing but the title, I'm guessing that this hilarious entry in the Borsch canon will be an add for a contest that gets your face on a bobblehead.
Whenever I get a hankering for some home cooking, I can usually count on my boyhood friend Greg Batton to help me out.
Ah, a little walk down the "growing up in Illinois" pathway, eh? Greg is notorious for being slightly more amusing that his boyhood friend Mike.
Greg and his partner Dan Diorio are morning radio personalities at 1470 WMBD radio in Peoria. I’ve had the pleasure of being on their show a few times over the years when I’m back in Illinois visiting family.
Wow! Why, that practically makes you a celebrity!
And every once in a while — usually when it snows two feet at a time here in Philly — they’ll call me at some ridiculously early hour of the morning and put me on the air to tell the people of Peoria that, yes, it does indeed snow a whole bunch in Philly sometimes. I’m not sure how useful that information is to folks in central Illinois, but we yuk it up and have a good time with it.
Woo-hoo! Only a truly zany morning radio host would think to discuss the weather - always a topic that provides plentiful "yuks."
One time a few years ago, Greg offered his listeners a “What Can I Do For You” campaign on his Facebook page. Essentially, he wanted to do something nice for someone. It was no surprise, he’s been a nice guy his entire life.
That comma should be a semicolon.
It so happened that the day after that Facebook posting, I was headed to Yankee Stadium for a ballgame, so I posted on his Facebook that evening, “You can buy me a hotdog tomorrow at Yankee Stadium.”
Heading to Yankee Stadium for a ballgame... that's a new one on me. And Greg can't be a very nice guy if the thing he does for someone is buy a hotdog for Borsch to ram down his gullet.
I knew that would get him. Greg loves a goofy challenge like that. Radio guys are that way when it comes to goofy stuff.
Well, the guy tried and tried, utilizing every connection he had between Peoria and New York, to get that hotdog to me, but to no avail. Not to be deterred, a few days later, a dozen hotdogs were delivered to my office from a restaurant in Fort Washington.
Because if there's anything he needs, it's more hot dogs. Is this really "funny" material? Is this an "amusing" story?
They weren’t Yankee Stadium hotdogs, but they were even better because Greg had gone to such trouble from halfway across the country to fulfill my request.
Recently, I wanted something else that can only be found in Peoria — it’s called a gondola, which is sort of the central Illinois version of a hoagie, only better. It’s made at a Peoria eatery called Avanti’s and I’ve been going there since I was a kid for that sandwich.
This would be a terribly boring story even if you were just telling it to a friend at the office. Does he really think that the rest of the world cares what kind of sandwiches he got as a kid?
And once again, Greg is on top of this request. But this time, I can do something for him in return.
The Peoria Chiefs, the Chicago Cubs’ Class A minor league baseball team, is running an online “media bobblehead contest.” Personalities from several different media in the Peoria area are involved. The one who gets the most online votes will eventually have his/her likeness on a bobblehead produced by the team.
How cool is that?
The title of the post is "Bobblehead Immortality." We are 2/3 of the way through the post before the first bobblehead reference is made. Thank goodness we got that hilarious hot dog story though!
Greg says that if he and Dan win the promotion and end up being immortalized with their own bobblehead, (since they are a team, they have to “share” one head of the bobble, and I’m not sure how that’s going to work) then he’ll make good on my Avanti’s gondolas request.
I don’t know how he’ll get them out here to Philly in edible condition, but believe me when I say these sammiches are good enough for this kind of effort, and I’m confident that he’ll find a way.
"Sammich." I hate this man.
So I’m calling for Philly for be the difference maker here by voting for Greg and Dan to win this promotion and for me to get my gondolas. Go to www.peoriachiefs.com/mediabobblehead and vote often.
If anything - anything - counts as a "Blatant Promotion Alert," this is it. He has two points to this column:
1.) Help personal friend win contest
2.) Obtain sandwiches
He's not even bothering to be funny about it. Someone, please, take away this man's keyboard.
If the gondolas do actually make their way to Philly, I’ll invite a handful of you over to share a taste of the Midwest.
They really are that good.
We all know he'd never share food with anyone.
Labels: Mike Morsch, Montgomery Newspapers, Outta Leftfield
Does he understand what a "label" is? And fine, if he wants to label his own blog with his own name and the blog title, fine... but how are ANY of these related to Montgomery Newspapers?
Thursday, March 10, 2011
Avoiding the Topic
Outta Leftfield: Sex in the name of education gives new meaning to PDA
Published: Wednesday, March 09, 2011
By Mike Morsch
Executive Editor
The list of things I don't want Borsch to write about could probably circle the globe; this one is at the top of the list.
Oh boy. Cover your eyes on this next topic. At the very least, it’s got an R-rating, maybe worse. And you kids out there, well, you may need to explain some of this to your parents.
So... he didn't want to write about poop in his last column, even though he has before. But he'll write about sex. I shudder.
Turns out a sexuality professor at Northwestern University has raised some eyebrows recently by offering his students the opportunity to watch, uh … um … a live sex demonstration as part of the class. (Now would be the time for the more prudish among you to read with one eye covered.)
It appears that at Northwestern, PDA doesn’t stand for Public Display of Affection but Pretty Dadgummed Amazing.
Since he's writing about something that's been reported on by someone else, can we expect the typical "According to a story on [website name]" sentence?
Let me say this upfront: I graduated from a Big Ten school, the University of Iowa, and I hail from Illinois,
HOLY CRAP! You don't say so!
so I am familiar with Northwestern University, a fine institution of higher education in Evanston, Ill., just north of Chicago. It’s always had a top-notch journalism program.
If you graduated from it, sir, it dropped a notch.
But obviously, I was educated in a different era. As a not-yet-18-year-old going off to school in the fall of 1977, I had trouble adjusting to college life. When the first semester grades came out, I got a call from my dad.
“Hey, son, I just received your semester grades,” my dad, a school superintendent with a master’s degree in education, said into the phone.
After stating that he received his grades, is it really necessary to have another sentence stating that he received his grades? Cut one, for Pete's sake! You're an EDITOR!
“Really? How’d I do, Pop?” I said, rather smugly, typical of the young wannabe jock who was convinced at that point he was going to play professional baseball for a living.
Instead, he makes his living not being able to write about baseball.
“Not so good young man. You got a 1.7 grade point average,” he said with more than a bit of disgust. “What are you doing out there in Iowa?”
“Well, best I can tell, I’m playing baseball, drinking beer and chasing women,” I said to my dad.
Completely fictional conversation, obviously. And completely unnecessary "I said to my dad" - we KNOW who you're talking to, sir.
“I don’t think that’s why you’re there, young man,” he countered. (He always called me “young man” when he was particularly peeved at me.)
“Well, Pop, I don’t know how much better it can get for me,” I said.
At which point he reached through the phone and slapped me back into reality.
Borsch either has flawless recall, or this was really the most hilarious exchange he could think up. Which is sad.
I tell that story to illustrate not only the change in times, but the change in attitudes. I can guarantee you that my smart-alecky remark elicited that type of reaction that one would expect from a school administrator in 1977. In fact, I was grounded until just last year, five years after my dad died. (He was as intimidating on education issues as much in death as he was in life, and his will clearly stated that I was to remain grounded until 2010.)
He mustn't have been a very good educator, or he might have cautioned you against using "as" and "as much" in the same sentence like that. Fool.
But I can assure you that if my answer would have been, “I’m playing baseball, drinking beer, chasing women AND viewing live sex shows in class,” my dad would have been in his car on the way to Iowa City to drag me by my ear back to Peoria. And he would have knocked down the entire university with his bare hands just to make his point that live sex shows were not a lifelong educator’s idea of “educating.”
So far we've had a whole lot of "illustrating," and a whole little of the purported topic of this column.
According to wire service reports,
There we go.
the Northwestern professor, John Michael Bailey, was teaching the sexuality class one session that focused on kinky sex. (There was no sex in Iowa in the 1970s, let alone kinky sex. In fact, I haven’t been back to Iowa in a while but I’m fairly certain little has changed in the sexual mores department in the Heartland.)
What's with the "in fact"? It's clear that he's actually trying to be funny this time around, but it's equally clear he has no idea how to succeed.
Professor Bailey, reportedly one of the more popular teachers at Northwestern (go figure), often ends his class sessions by inviting students to stay after class to hear additional lectures from sex therapists, swingers, transgender women and others.
(I can hear my dad now: “Young man, what’s a transgender woman?”)
Ah, that really is just what he'd say! Classic Elder Morsch.
Apparently, after the session in question, Bailey had invited a guy and his fiancée who were “turned on by the thought of sex acts in the nude in front of large groups of people” to participate in a demonstration.
As I often do in these types of situation, I like to quote that great philosopher Scooby-Doo: “Rut-row Raggy.”
I had that "rut-row" thing with the very core of my being. People can say it a billion times and still think it's fresh and witty. To quote Family Guy, it's as lame as FDR's legs, and it's aged as well, too.
Talk about extra credit. I won’t go into any further detail except to say that about 100 students stayed after class to watch, word got out that this sort of thing was sanctioned by the university, some folks got their shorts in the knot and the Scooby-Doo hit the fan.
Poop reference! Not so squeamish about it now, are you? But still pretty shy about addressing the topic of your column in any way. Don't worry - with a few more years of practice, you'll get there.
But leave it to the free press to come to the rescue. The university’s newspaper, The Daily Northwestern, defended the decision to allow the sex demonstration and called it relevant to the class discussion of kinky sex. (I’m going to have to review my college transcripts. I don’t recall that Kinky Sex 101 was available.)
My advice would be to read your own story - it was a section in a class on sexuality, not its own class.
Those ratfink school newspaper folks, always a bastion of liberal thought — and apparently a bit into kinky as well.
It all makes me wonder if education has passed me by.
Yes. Yes it has.
I mean, I’m old, but I’m not dead. In fact, I’ve been toying with the idea of going back and getting my master’s degree.
At Northwestern. In journalism, of course.
Maybe you should start by taking an entry-level composition course.
Published: Wednesday, March 09, 2011
By Mike Morsch
Executive Editor
The list of things I don't want Borsch to write about could probably circle the globe; this one is at the top of the list.
Oh boy. Cover your eyes on this next topic. At the very least, it’s got an R-rating, maybe worse. And you kids out there, well, you may need to explain some of this to your parents.
So... he didn't want to write about poop in his last column, even though he has before. But he'll write about sex. I shudder.
Turns out a sexuality professor at Northwestern University has raised some eyebrows recently by offering his students the opportunity to watch, uh … um … a live sex demonstration as part of the class. (Now would be the time for the more prudish among you to read with one eye covered.)
It appears that at Northwestern, PDA doesn’t stand for Public Display of Affection but Pretty Dadgummed Amazing.
Since he's writing about something that's been reported on by someone else, can we expect the typical "According to a story on [website name]" sentence?
Let me say this upfront: I graduated from a Big Ten school, the University of Iowa, and I hail from Illinois,
HOLY CRAP! You don't say so!
so I am familiar with Northwestern University, a fine institution of higher education in Evanston, Ill., just north of Chicago. It’s always had a top-notch journalism program.
If you graduated from it, sir, it dropped a notch.
But obviously, I was educated in a different era. As a not-yet-18-year-old going off to school in the fall of 1977, I had trouble adjusting to college life. When the first semester grades came out, I got a call from my dad.
“Hey, son, I just received your semester grades,” my dad, a school superintendent with a master’s degree in education, said into the phone.
After stating that he received his grades, is it really necessary to have another sentence stating that he received his grades? Cut one, for Pete's sake! You're an EDITOR!
“Really? How’d I do, Pop?” I said, rather smugly, typical of the young wannabe jock who was convinced at that point he was going to play professional baseball for a living.
Instead, he makes his living not being able to write about baseball.
“Not so good young man. You got a 1.7 grade point average,” he said with more than a bit of disgust. “What are you doing out there in Iowa?”
“Well, best I can tell, I’m playing baseball, drinking beer and chasing women,” I said to my dad.
Completely fictional conversation, obviously. And completely unnecessary "I said to my dad" - we KNOW who you're talking to, sir.
“I don’t think that’s why you’re there, young man,” he countered. (He always called me “young man” when he was particularly peeved at me.)
“Well, Pop, I don’t know how much better it can get for me,” I said.
At which point he reached through the phone and slapped me back into reality.
Borsch either has flawless recall, or this was really the most hilarious exchange he could think up. Which is sad.
I tell that story to illustrate not only the change in times, but the change in attitudes. I can guarantee you that my smart-alecky remark elicited that type of reaction that one would expect from a school administrator in 1977. In fact, I was grounded until just last year, five years after my dad died. (He was as intimidating on education issues as much in death as he was in life, and his will clearly stated that I was to remain grounded until 2010.)
He mustn't have been a very good educator, or he might have cautioned you against using "as" and "as much" in the same sentence like that. Fool.
But I can assure you that if my answer would have been, “I’m playing baseball, drinking beer, chasing women AND viewing live sex shows in class,” my dad would have been in his car on the way to Iowa City to drag me by my ear back to Peoria. And he would have knocked down the entire university with his bare hands just to make his point that live sex shows were not a lifelong educator’s idea of “educating.”
So far we've had a whole lot of "illustrating," and a whole little of the purported topic of this column.
According to wire service reports,
There we go.
the Northwestern professor, John Michael Bailey, was teaching the sexuality class one session that focused on kinky sex. (There was no sex in Iowa in the 1970s, let alone kinky sex. In fact, I haven’t been back to Iowa in a while but I’m fairly certain little has changed in the sexual mores department in the Heartland.)
What's with the "in fact"? It's clear that he's actually trying to be funny this time around, but it's equally clear he has no idea how to succeed.
Professor Bailey, reportedly one of the more popular teachers at Northwestern (go figure), often ends his class sessions by inviting students to stay after class to hear additional lectures from sex therapists, swingers, transgender women and others.
(I can hear my dad now: “Young man, what’s a transgender woman?”)
Ah, that really is just what he'd say! Classic Elder Morsch.
Apparently, after the session in question, Bailey had invited a guy and his fiancée who were “turned on by the thought of sex acts in the nude in front of large groups of people” to participate in a demonstration.
As I often do in these types of situation, I like to quote that great philosopher Scooby-Doo: “Rut-row Raggy.”
I had that "rut-row" thing with the very core of my being. People can say it a billion times and still think it's fresh and witty. To quote Family Guy, it's as lame as FDR's legs, and it's aged as well, too.
Talk about extra credit. I won’t go into any further detail except to say that about 100 students stayed after class to watch, word got out that this sort of thing was sanctioned by the university, some folks got their shorts in the knot and the Scooby-Doo hit the fan.
Poop reference! Not so squeamish about it now, are you? But still pretty shy about addressing the topic of your column in any way. Don't worry - with a few more years of practice, you'll get there.
But leave it to the free press to come to the rescue. The university’s newspaper, The Daily Northwestern, defended the decision to allow the sex demonstration and called it relevant to the class discussion of kinky sex. (I’m going to have to review my college transcripts. I don’t recall that Kinky Sex 101 was available.)
My advice would be to read your own story - it was a section in a class on sexuality, not its own class.
Those ratfink school newspaper folks, always a bastion of liberal thought — and apparently a bit into kinky as well.
It all makes me wonder if education has passed me by.
Yes. Yes it has.
I mean, I’m old, but I’m not dead. In fact, I’ve been toying with the idea of going back and getting my master’s degree.
At Northwestern. In journalism, of course.
Maybe you should start by taking an entry-level composition course.
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
Yet Another Pre-Concert Interview
From Twitter:
Gov. Corbett's budget drawns mixed reaction locally.
"Drawns" - coming soon to any dictionary near you!
Storyteller Rodney Crowell to perform in Sellersville
Published: Tuesday, March 08, 2011
By Mike Morsch
Executive Editor
Well, it's not a country music concert, but... will Mr. Crowell describe the venue as "like being in someone's living room"? Will he refer to how intimate it is, and how you can relate more one-on-one with the audience?
Some of the highlights:
Rodney Crowell has always told stories with his songs. Now, he’s traveling the country telling stories about his storytelling, using both images and songs.
... What the hell does this even mean?
It evokes vivid memories of his childhood — of having volatile parents... beatings from his father... and how, through it all, he came to learn about love and forgiveness, all told with a gentle humor.
Got that? Volatile parents, abusive father, told with humor. Later:
His father... was a small town honky-tonk performer who always seemed on the brink of violence at home... Through it all though, Crowell tells his story with a humor not usually reserved for such domestic turmoil.
Got that? Abusive father, told with humor. I think we get it. We also learn that Mr. Crowell loves saying the word "narrative."
“Big metaphors work in songs. Whereas in trying to sustain a narrative, big metaphors betray the narrative because it becomes performance as opposed to narrative,” he said.
“The actual writer/audience relationship is very intimate. It’s really one-on-one. You entertain with what you manage to invoke in the audience’s mind. And to me, that’s a canvas I get to paint on with this one-man thing.”
In all fairness, I can't say that he's referring specifically to Sellserville when he says this.
Gov. Corbett's budget drawns mixed reaction locally.
"Drawns" - coming soon to any dictionary near you!
Storyteller Rodney Crowell to perform in Sellersville
Published: Tuesday, March 08, 2011
By Mike Morsch
Executive Editor
Well, it's not a country music concert, but... will Mr. Crowell describe the venue as "like being in someone's living room"? Will he refer to how intimate it is, and how you can relate more one-on-one with the audience?
Some of the highlights:
Rodney Crowell has always told stories with his songs. Now, he’s traveling the country telling stories about his storytelling, using both images and songs.
... What the hell does this even mean?
It evokes vivid memories of his childhood — of having volatile parents... beatings from his father... and how, through it all, he came to learn about love and forgiveness, all told with a gentle humor.
Got that? Volatile parents, abusive father, told with humor. Later:
His father... was a small town honky-tonk performer who always seemed on the brink of violence at home... Through it all though, Crowell tells his story with a humor not usually reserved for such domestic turmoil.
Got that? Abusive father, told with humor. I think we get it. We also learn that Mr. Crowell loves saying the word "narrative."
“Big metaphors work in songs. Whereas in trying to sustain a narrative, big metaphors betray the narrative because it becomes performance as opposed to narrative,” he said.
“The actual writer/audience relationship is very intimate. It’s really one-on-one. You entertain with what you manage to invoke in the audience’s mind. And to me, that’s a canvas I get to paint on with this one-man thing.”
In all fairness, I can't say that he's referring specifically to Sellserville when he says this.
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
Media Bias Ahoy!
Per a Borsch Twitter preview for a news story:
Rep. Josh Shapiro and Leslie Richards kick off the Dem campaign fo Montco commish. They're gonna win, you know.
Nice to see that our newspaper group editor maintains his journalistic neutrality, isn't it? Only a liberal douche like Borsch would flaunt his political bias so brazenly.
Sadly, he's right. Montgomery County PA has gone from Republican bastion to Democrat cesspool in one generation. Why? Because the vast majority of the GOP leadership share a number of similar traits:
1.) Old. These guys make Kirk Douglas look youthful. They have an undertaker on 24-hour standby. Their biggest special interest group is Depends Undergarments.
2.) White. Country-club white. Finding a black Republican in Montco is like finding a sober Irishman in March.
3.) Aggressively Passive. The idiots do nothing, and they're hostile about it. They don't do outreach because it wears out the batteries of their Rascals.
Rep. Josh Shapiro and Leslie Richards kick off the Dem campaign fo Montco commish. They're gonna win, you know.
Nice to see that our newspaper group editor maintains his journalistic neutrality, isn't it? Only a liberal douche like Borsch would flaunt his political bias so brazenly.
Sadly, he's right. Montgomery County PA has gone from Republican bastion to Democrat cesspool in one generation. Why? Because the vast majority of the GOP leadership share a number of similar traits:
1.) Old. These guys make Kirk Douglas look youthful. They have an undertaker on 24-hour standby. Their biggest special interest group is Depends Undergarments.
2.) White. Country-club white. Finding a black Republican in Montco is like finding a sober Irishman in March.
3.) Aggressively Passive. The idiots do nothing, and they're hostile about it. They don't do outreach because it wears out the batteries of their Rascals.
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
Refusing to Inform
Outta Leftfield: Don’t stick your tongue out at these whacky health practices
Published: Tuesday, March 01, 2011
By Mike Morsch
Executive Editor
Ah, the long-anticipated Borsch skewering of angioplasty and MRI.
If I were asked to name some practices that are good for one’s health, I’d say the usual things like daily exercise, eating right and staying away from smoking.
I would not, even after consuming mass quantities of cold adult beverages, have come up with … tongue scraping. Mostly because I have absolutely no idea what tongue scraping is or why on earth is would be good for one’s health.
Ho ho, goofy beer reference! What do you want to bet this column includes at least one appearance of this sentence: "According to the (insert organization website)..."
It certainly doesn’t sound like it would be good for one’s tongue.
But according to a story headlined “Five Whacky Things That Are Good for Your Health” on the LifeScience.com website,
Damn I'm good.
tongue scraping is on the list. I have a tendency to believe everything I read on LifeScience.com because it has the word “science” in it. And I also believe that scientists are smarter than me, so whatever they say I usually endorse.
Yep, you must never question SCIENCE... even if science itself is the process of endless questioning.
Take a moment to consider what tongue scraping might entail and why it would be good for one’s health, and then try to come up with four wackier things than tongue scraping that could be good for one’s health.
I couldn’t do it either.
Scraping your tongue with a toothbrush to prevent bad breath?
Acupuncture, firecupping, ear candling, enemas. That took me like three seconds.
Fortunately, the scientists have our collective backs on this topic. According to the story, the other four are vibrating exercise platforms, barefoot running, curing with parasites and fecal transplants.
Hmmm. Now I understand. If someone were to ask me to practice only one of these things to improve my health, tongue scraping might just be at the top of the list given the other choices.
Why oh why couldn't we get a fecal transplant article?
According to the article, tongue scraping is part of an ancient health code called “ayurveda.” Apparently, the practice entails placing something that resembles a small toilet brush as far back in one’s mouth as the gagging reflex will allow and then scraping one’s tongue clean for several minutes.
My initial reaction is that I am immediately suspicious of any health practice that involves jamming a toilet brush down the back of my throat.
Well, it's not actually a toilet brush... it only "resembles" one.
Apparently the ancient Ayurvedaians liked cold adult beverages as much as subsequent civilizations because any group of people that can get the weaker links in the herd to jam toilet brushes down their throats in the name of good health sounds like a partying bunch to me.
I always thought that it was getting high, not drunk, that caused the wacky ideas. When does the repeated use of "cold adult beverages" stop being more amusing than just saying "beer"?
As for the other four, there are shreds of evidence that these things have actually been studied by scientists and might actually have some merit. For example, although studies are somewhat inconclusive at this point, there is at least some segment of researchers out there who make a good case that running barefoot is better for one than running in shoes. I’ve actually seen people at my walking track who are out there barefooted, both walking and running, so some people must believe in it.
So wait... what is the "evidence" that tongue scraping is good for us? Also, by "walking track," does he mean, like, a sidewalk?
The theory behind vibrating exercise platforms is that if one stands on these things for a few minutes and then jumps off and continues to exercise, the vibration is supposed to help one go faster, higher, etc. Scientists say it helps, but it seems to me it may make one’s hind end kind of tingly. I’ve found nothing in the medical books or scientific journals that a tingly hind end is good for one’s health, but I’m sure someone somewhere is studying that.
Sigh. This one is painfully uneventful.
As for curing with parasites, well that apparently involves infecting oneself with hookworm, an intestinal parasite, which protects against allergies and maybe even Crohn’s Disease and multiple sclerosis.
If there’s anything that would make me rush right out to the store and grab a toilet brush to shove down my goozlepipe, it would be the suggestion that I purposely allow myself to be infected with an intestinal parasite.
"Goozlepipe"? Here's an idea that will add instant comedy to your dull, boring column - add plenty of wacky, folksy words!
Which brings us to the most obnoxious and most disgusting of the five wacky things that are supposed to be good for one’s health: fecal transplants, otherwise known as fecal bacteriotherapy, which I suppose could be considered a slightly less gross naming convention.
I can’t even describe this procedure to you because of its offensive nature, so just go ahead and look it up on your own. Make sure to do it before lunch.
Magnificent - the one potentially humorous and interesting part of the article, and he leaves it out. Bravo, sir. Didn't he publish an entire column about dog poop (and another one about dinosaur poop)? Suddenly the subject is offensive?
The real question with this one is: How in tarnation did the scientists and medical people stumble upon something like this? And how do you suppose the first guy who ever had this procedure reacted when he was told what was going to be done to him?
WARNING: Unamusing dialogue ahead. It's even less amusing because Borsch hasn't told us what the procedure is.
“You’re going to do what? You guys run out of cold adult beverages and toilet brushes or something?”
Remove funnybone... ha... ha... ha.
So there you have it. You want to be healthier, just get whacky with your health practices.
And you didn’t think tongue scraping was going to be appealing at all, did you?
Once again, we know precious little more about tongue scraping after reading this article than we did before. I know he claims that his wife reads these before he publishes them, but does anyone else? Shouldn't he have at least one person who can veto the most glaringly horrible ones?
Published: Tuesday, March 01, 2011
By Mike Morsch
Executive Editor
Ah, the long-anticipated Borsch skewering of angioplasty and MRI.
If I were asked to name some practices that are good for one’s health, I’d say the usual things like daily exercise, eating right and staying away from smoking.
I would not, even after consuming mass quantities of cold adult beverages, have come up with … tongue scraping. Mostly because I have absolutely no idea what tongue scraping is or why on earth is would be good for one’s health.
Ho ho, goofy beer reference! What do you want to bet this column includes at least one appearance of this sentence: "According to the (insert organization website)..."
It certainly doesn’t sound like it would be good for one’s tongue.
But according to a story headlined “Five Whacky Things That Are Good for Your Health” on the LifeScience.com website,
Damn I'm good.
tongue scraping is on the list. I have a tendency to believe everything I read on LifeScience.com because it has the word “science” in it. And I also believe that scientists are smarter than me, so whatever they say I usually endorse.
Yep, you must never question SCIENCE... even if science itself is the process of endless questioning.
Take a moment to consider what tongue scraping might entail and why it would be good for one’s health, and then try to come up with four wackier things than tongue scraping that could be good for one’s health.
I couldn’t do it either.
Scraping your tongue with a toothbrush to prevent bad breath?
Acupuncture, firecupping, ear candling, enemas. That took me like three seconds.
Fortunately, the scientists have our collective backs on this topic. According to the story, the other four are vibrating exercise platforms, barefoot running, curing with parasites and fecal transplants.
Hmmm. Now I understand. If someone were to ask me to practice only one of these things to improve my health, tongue scraping might just be at the top of the list given the other choices.
Why oh why couldn't we get a fecal transplant article?
According to the article, tongue scraping is part of an ancient health code called “ayurveda.” Apparently, the practice entails placing something that resembles a small toilet brush as far back in one’s mouth as the gagging reflex will allow and then scraping one’s tongue clean for several minutes.
My initial reaction is that I am immediately suspicious of any health practice that involves jamming a toilet brush down the back of my throat.
Well, it's not actually a toilet brush... it only "resembles" one.
Apparently the ancient Ayurvedaians liked cold adult beverages as much as subsequent civilizations because any group of people that can get the weaker links in the herd to jam toilet brushes down their throats in the name of good health sounds like a partying bunch to me.
I always thought that it was getting high, not drunk, that caused the wacky ideas. When does the repeated use of "cold adult beverages" stop being more amusing than just saying "beer"?
As for the other four, there are shreds of evidence that these things have actually been studied by scientists and might actually have some merit. For example, although studies are somewhat inconclusive at this point, there is at least some segment of researchers out there who make a good case that running barefoot is better for one than running in shoes. I’ve actually seen people at my walking track who are out there barefooted, both walking and running, so some people must believe in it.
So wait... what is the "evidence" that tongue scraping is good for us? Also, by "walking track," does he mean, like, a sidewalk?
The theory behind vibrating exercise platforms is that if one stands on these things for a few minutes and then jumps off and continues to exercise, the vibration is supposed to help one go faster, higher, etc. Scientists say it helps, but it seems to me it may make one’s hind end kind of tingly. I’ve found nothing in the medical books or scientific journals that a tingly hind end is good for one’s health, but I’m sure someone somewhere is studying that.
Sigh. This one is painfully uneventful.
As for curing with parasites, well that apparently involves infecting oneself with hookworm, an intestinal parasite, which protects against allergies and maybe even Crohn’s Disease and multiple sclerosis.
If there’s anything that would make me rush right out to the store and grab a toilet brush to shove down my goozlepipe, it would be the suggestion that I purposely allow myself to be infected with an intestinal parasite.
"Goozlepipe"? Here's an idea that will add instant comedy to your dull, boring column - add plenty of wacky, folksy words!
Which brings us to the most obnoxious and most disgusting of the five wacky things that are supposed to be good for one’s health: fecal transplants, otherwise known as fecal bacteriotherapy, which I suppose could be considered a slightly less gross naming convention.
I can’t even describe this procedure to you because of its offensive nature, so just go ahead and look it up on your own. Make sure to do it before lunch.
Magnificent - the one potentially humorous and interesting part of the article, and he leaves it out. Bravo, sir. Didn't he publish an entire column about dog poop (and another one about dinosaur poop)? Suddenly the subject is offensive?
The real question with this one is: How in tarnation did the scientists and medical people stumble upon something like this? And how do you suppose the first guy who ever had this procedure reacted when he was told what was going to be done to him?
WARNING: Unamusing dialogue ahead. It's even less amusing because Borsch hasn't told us what the procedure is.
“You’re going to do what? You guys run out of cold adult beverages and toilet brushes or something?”
Remove funnybone... ha... ha... ha.
So there you have it. You want to be healthier, just get whacky with your health practices.
And you didn’t think tongue scraping was going to be appealing at all, did you?
Once again, we know precious little more about tongue scraping after reading this article than we did before. I know he claims that his wife reads these before he publishes them, but does anyone else? Shouldn't he have at least one person who can veto the most glaringly horrible ones?
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
In-Depth Concert Review
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
Mutlu, surprise guest, rock WCL
If Mutlu is one person, that should be "rocks"; if it's more than one person, that should be "guests."
One of the many pleasures of the vibrant Philadelphia music scene is that occasionally there are some surprises. Such was the case Friday night at World Café Live.
Woah woah woah - don't you mean "at the Sellersville Theater"?
Among our favorite Philly musicians is singer-songwriter Mutlu (www.myspace.com/mutlusounds). The next generation of Philly soul, Mutlu has an absolutely wonderful voice. The Blonde Accountant and I first saw him a few years ago opening for Daryl Hall at the Keswick Theater in Glenside. He’s opened for John Oates at the Sellersville Theater and he’s done several gigs opening for Hall & Oates across the county as well as headlined his own shows at several local venues.
*Whew*. What relief! We couldn't hear about a concert, even one not held at the Sellersville Theater, without mentioning the Sellersville Theater! So when not opening for washed-up gentlemen named "Hall" and "Oates," Mutlu performs at bars on the weekends.
Currently, Mutlu both opens and sings backup for another Philly singer-songwriter, Amos Lee (www.amoslee.com), whose newest album, “Mission Bell,” recently hit No. 1 on the Billboard charts.
If Borsch advertised this as "a poorly-written blog about concerts I've attended and celebrities I've seen in public," I'd stop. Honestly. But he's not even trying to live up to his "humor" claims here.
Mutlu was the headliner Friday at World Café Live, another of the many great venues in our area. Openers included Deep River and Kuf Knotz.
Toward the end of Mutlu’s set, a special guest walked up on stage to join in, and it was none other than Amos Lee, who hung for a few songs. The crowd was already amped for Mutlu, and the unexpected appearance by Amos only heightened the concert experience.
This is probably the only time in my life I will hear the phrase "amped for Mutlu." I'm tempted to ask who the hell Amos Lee is, but I'm not cool and hip like Borsch, I guess.
Check out his video of the event: two minutes of the performance. Twenty-five seconds of Amos. Then the best part: a crooked Batman-villain-lair-esque shot of the venue's neon sign, and an awkward zoom that cuts off part of the sign. Fade out. Prominent "Video by Mike Morsch" credit.
It was a great evening of music in a great city for music. Growing up in the Midwest, we just didn’t have these types of entertainment options in Peoria.
"Come to Philadelphia: We Have Better Music than Peoria." How many times has this guy said something akin to "a great artist in a great venue" to describe an event like this?
Labels: Mike Morsch, Montgomery Newspapers, Mutlu, Outta Leftfield, World Cafe Live
Mutlu, surprise guest, rock WCL
If Mutlu is one person, that should be "rocks"; if it's more than one person, that should be "guests."
One of the many pleasures of the vibrant Philadelphia music scene is that occasionally there are some surprises. Such was the case Friday night at World Café Live.
Woah woah woah - don't you mean "at the Sellersville Theater"?
Among our favorite Philly musicians is singer-songwriter Mutlu (www.myspace.com/mutlusounds). The next generation of Philly soul, Mutlu has an absolutely wonderful voice. The Blonde Accountant and I first saw him a few years ago opening for Daryl Hall at the Keswick Theater in Glenside. He’s opened for John Oates at the Sellersville Theater and he’s done several gigs opening for Hall & Oates across the county as well as headlined his own shows at several local venues.
*Whew*. What relief! We couldn't hear about a concert, even one not held at the Sellersville Theater, without mentioning the Sellersville Theater! So when not opening for washed-up gentlemen named "Hall" and "Oates," Mutlu performs at bars on the weekends.
Currently, Mutlu both opens and sings backup for another Philly singer-songwriter, Amos Lee (www.amoslee.com), whose newest album, “Mission Bell,” recently hit No. 1 on the Billboard charts.
If Borsch advertised this as "a poorly-written blog about concerts I've attended and celebrities I've seen in public," I'd stop. Honestly. But he's not even trying to live up to his "humor" claims here.
Mutlu was the headliner Friday at World Café Live, another of the many great venues in our area. Openers included Deep River and Kuf Knotz.
Toward the end of Mutlu’s set, a special guest walked up on stage to join in, and it was none other than Amos Lee, who hung for a few songs. The crowd was already amped for Mutlu, and the unexpected appearance by Amos only heightened the concert experience.
This is probably the only time in my life I will hear the phrase "amped for Mutlu." I'm tempted to ask who the hell Amos Lee is, but I'm not cool and hip like Borsch, I guess.
Check out his video of the event: two minutes of the performance. Twenty-five seconds of Amos. Then the best part: a crooked Batman-villain-lair-esque shot of the venue's neon sign, and an awkward zoom that cuts off part of the sign. Fade out. Prominent "Video by Mike Morsch" credit.
It was a great evening of music in a great city for music. Growing up in the Midwest, we just didn’t have these types of entertainment options in Peoria.
"Come to Philadelphia: We Have Better Music than Peoria." How many times has this guy said something akin to "a great artist in a great venue" to describe an event like this?
Labels: Mike Morsch, Montgomery Newspapers, Mutlu, Outta Leftfield, World Cafe Live
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