Wow, Morsch Loves the Oswalt Trade

Any time a team can add a pitcher like Roy Oswalt, bad back and all, it should make that move. How many teams have three No. 1s in rotation?
about 4 hours ago via web

If you're the "ace" of a team that scores a buttload of runs like the Phillies, you should win more than 15 games in a season. Know who hasn't? Ever? Cole Hamels. You also might want to strike out over 200 guys (Hamels 200 K seasons: 0) or lead the team in wins (Jamie Moyer did so the past two years and is STILL ahead of Hamels this year). So who's that third "No. 1" we're talking about?

How do you suppose the Braves feel about facing Halladay, Hamels and Oswalt in a series? Cardinals? Reds? Yankees?
about 4 hours ago via web

Sheesh, did I miss the hordes of people out there ripping the Oswalt trade? Because Morsch is almost rabid in his twittering here.

Ask Cubs fans how they'd feel about a rotation that features Halladay, Hamels and Oswalt. And having Dom Brown in the lineup.
about 4 hours ago via web

Let's wait a while before declaring "Dom" Brown Baseball's Jesus, eh?

It's typical of Morsch to think that a pitcher who has excelled for exactly one month of his career is a "No. 1." Let's take a gander on how that third ace of ours stacks up against the rest of the league, shall we?

ERA
Roy Halladay: 2.21 (2nd in NL)
Roy Osawlt: 3.42
Cole Hamels: 3.48

WHIP
Roy Halladay: 1.02 (3rd in NL)
Jamie Moyer: 1.10
Roy Oswalt: 1.11
Cole Hamels: 1.30 (just behind 4th ace Kyle Kendrick)

Complete Games
Roy Halladay: 8 (1st)
Jamie Moyer: 2
Roy Oswalt: 1
Cole Hamels: 0

Lest you think I'm cherry-picking, let's compare Mr. Hamels to some other "aces": Ubaldo Jimenez, Adam Wainwright, Roy Halladay, Tim Lincecum, Josh Johnson, and Cliff Lee. Wins? Hamels is last. Losses? Hamels has the second most. Complete games? Hamels has the fewest. Innings pitched? Hamels has the least. Runs? Hamels has given up the most. ERA? Hamels's is the worst. Home runs? Hamels has given up the most. WHIP? Hamels's is the highest. Batting average against? Again, Hamels is at the bottom of the list.

You see, there's a reason why we have had to get Lee, Halladay and now Oswalt - Cole Hamels isn't them. Not even close.

Continuing Lack of Effort

A preview to this week's obviously baseball-centric article: yet another Twitter post demonstrating an utter lack of baseball savvy.

Can't we just have a 1-2-3 ninth?
about 18 hours ago via web

No, because our "closer" has a WHIP of 1.63. Until he's replaced, we'll virtually never have a 1-2-3 ninth... and probably never a 1-2-3-4 ninth, either.

Tuesday, July 27, 2010
Phils 'Photo Day' picture perfect

Are you even trying any more, Morsch? Even the puns seem limp and effortless these days.

The Phillies organization has always tried its best to be fan friendly and last Saturday was no different at the annual “Photo Day” promotion.

One assumes that, in the infancy of his newspaper career, Morsch wrote actual news stories. Did they all feature lead-ins as lame as this one? "August is traditionally the hottest month of the year, and this year's August is similarly hot." Come on!

The heat, which approached 100 degrees that day, didn’t seem to bother the fans or the players. Thousands of fans lined the designated areas on the field to get pictures of the players, many of whom stopped and posed with the faithful.

I am having a vision of MM gushing about how friendly the players were to the fans. Dare I also suggest that he use the words "gracious" and "kind"?

Son of Blonde Accountant and I had a pretty decent spot in rightfield

I would like to think this is a shout-out to me. Is "rightfield" a compound word?

where we waited for the players to appear. The youngster is celebrating his birthday this week and the ballgame was one of his birthday gifts.

The limited time of the event prevented us from getting pictures of all the players, but we were fortunate enough to have a few stop and pose. Primary among them was leftfielder Raul Ibanez — by all accounts a standup guy and class act — who put his arm around Son of Blonde Accountant and smiled for the camera.

Woah woah woah - he SMILED for the camera? This is a thing unheard of. Nothing demonstrates your qualities as a "standup guy" more than smiling for pictures and putting your arm around someone.

Other players who stopped for us included J.A. Happ, Jose Contreras, Danys Baez, Joe Blanton, David Herndon and Vance Worley,

Who?

who later made his major league debut in the game pitching a scoreless ninth inning, then was shipped out immediately after the game to Triple A Lehigh Valley to make room for Happ, who was coming off the disabled list to pitch on Sunday.

Oh, neat! Wait, no, the opposite of that. Dumb. Because all that information about Vance Worley contributes nothing to the story of "going to get pictures taken with the Phillies." It's useless. A good editor (perhaps even a good EXECUTIVE editor) would probably cut that.

But I was particularly impressed with manager Charlie Manuel and the entire coaching staff — pitching coach Rich Dubee, bench coach Pete Mackanin, third base coach Sam Perlozzo, bullpen coach Mick Billmeyer and new hitting coach Greg Gross.

I'm actually interested to hear why he's so impressed. Did they engage in some generic banter during the picture-taking? Maybe give a thumbs-up in addition to smiling and arm-draping?

Each took plenty of time, especially with the kids, to chat and pose for pictures.

Ah, so in addition to posing for pictures (who would have thought they'd do that on PHOTO DAY???), they chatted. This reminds me of Morsch's article on the great, great Robin Roberts, who once signed autographs for people despite it being a hot day.

Charlie took so much time that his handlers had to remind everybody within ear shot that there was a game to be played and we ought not to delay the skipper any further. Charlie didn’t seem to be in any hurry, though.

Charlie probably is a very nice guy. He seems like it. But this is perhaps the most lame example of his niceness I've ever heard.

We got a lot of pictures. And the Phillies won big that day. It was a good day to be at the ballpark.

An ending with all the style and creativity of an elementary school essay.

Labels: Mike Morsch, Montgomery Newspapers, Outta Leftfield, Phillies

Gross

Remember a while ago, when Morsch remarked that Jayson Werth was missing pitches that he should be "pooping all over," and I wondered whether that was actual baseball slang?

I still doubt that it is, but Morsch is trying his hardest to make it catch on. Witness these Twitter posts:

Howard needs to poop on one right here.
about 17 hours ago via web

Needless to say, I'm pretty sure Howard either struck out or grounded into a double play, as per usual. I guess Morsch would say he "crapped out"?

Now that's what poopin on one looks like.
about 17 hours ago via web

This doesn't even make sense. There is no way to make pooping on something into a good thing. When you ace a test, you don't say that you "pooped all over it." If you did say that, people would think you did poorly. You don't say that you "pooped all over the room" when you make a good speech. Is it the word "poop," Mr. Morsch? Do you still get a thrill out of saying it?

Well, so do all of us. But say it in a way that might make sense.

Surprise! Morsch Writes about a Concert

Tuesday, July 20, 2010
A G-string problem on stage

Oh boy. Of course the "G string" in this case is part of a musical instrument. But given Morsch's love of underpants, he's going to play this predictable pun for all it's worth.

A handful of songs into her set Friday night, country music star Kathy Mattea informed the Sellersville Theater crowd that she had broken her G-string.

Morsch had previously published one of his famous "interviews" with Mattea, but it was too dry and tasteless to even be mentioned here. So this is obviously an attempt by Morsch to squeeze a little more precious material out of his encounter with a very minor celebrity.

Hey, whatever happened to this being a "humor" column?

My first thought was that I had missed some onstage gymnastics by Ms. Mattea that would have caused such a wardrobe malfunction.

Let's explore all the problems with the concept of this post, shall we?

1.) I guessed the "joke" that seems to form the premise of this entire article based on the title alone.
2.) Older folks (who probably comprise 99% of Morsch's audience) might not know that a G-string is an article of clothing and will miss the "joke" entirely.
3.) Younger folks probably never read this thing at all.

Therefore... who could possibly find this amusing?

Of course, Mattea had broken the G-string on her guitar. I knew that. Really.

Ho ho.

During an interview to preview the show, Mattea had told me that it was her responsibility to make “people feel like they’ve been sitting in somebody’s living room and that they’ve been lost in these songs all evening.”

This has become a sad pattern for the towering icon of hilarity known as Michael Morsch: recycle old material, prefaced by a joke in the opening paragraph to maintain the "humor column" facade. Can he really be happy with producing stuff like this?

By the way, the quote from Mattea above is lifted from his already-published interview. Morsch was obviously one of those kids who re-used school essays year to year.

And that’s exactly what the audience got from Kathy Mattea in her return to Sellersville. The Grammy Award-winning singer was warm and engaging during the show, and friendly and kind to those who waited in line to meet her after the show.

Morsch says basically this same thing about every celebrity he meets. "Gee, they were friendly to people after the show!" Does he know that, as a journalist, there is no law that requires him to find a nice thing to say about everyone and everything?

I’ve been to dozens of shows over the years at ST94, but Mattea is very well suited for this venue, and it for her. It’s not that the other performers and entertainers I’ve seen there haven’t been suited for the ST94, it’s just I can’t remember a more comfortable and natural feel to a show.

Once again MM proves my point. I really enjoy watching him stumble all over himself trying to compliment everyone.

Maybe it’s because ST94 is my favorite local venue. Maybe it’s because Kathy Mattea’s music speaks to me on a different level. Maybe it was just the right artist in the right place on the right night.

I'm actually surprised he didn't try to slip in a nice thing about every other venue he's ever attended. "ST94 is my favorite venue... not that the others are bad! But I like ST94 better, although I also like all the others equally as much!"

Whatever the case, it strengthened by belief that the fine arts, music in particular, can be an important and vital part of life and that we should support it at the local level.

"...strengthened BY belief"? Nice editing, editor.

All of a sudden he's a cultural crusader? Maybe he should write his congressman. Also, why waste two paragraphs trying to decide why you enjoyed a concert when your answer is, essentially, "Whatever"?

And I went home feeling like I was sitting in someone’s living room getting lost in those songs all evening.

Well I'll be damned - isn't that just what Ms. Mattea said? She accomplished her goal! Positively heartwarming. That wraps everything up so neatly.

Labels: Kathy Mattea, Mike Morsch, Montgomery Newspapers, Outta Leftfield, Sellersville Theater 1894

Morsch/Sands

Tuesday, July 20, 2010
A chat with 'Salty' Sands

Thank goodness! Just when it looked like a Tuesday would go by without a Morsch post, here comes this gem, with an embedded video of what looks like an elderly lady. Can Morsch really pass off an interview with an old woman as one of "life's little stupidities"?

Sarah Jane “Salty” Sands and some of the other original players of the All-American Girls Professional Baseball League were a little concerned when Madonna was cast for the 1992 movie “A League of Their Own.”

I'll be honest - I never would have suspected a baseball angle. How will Morsch reconcile the seemingly incompatible worlds of baseball (full of men, hot dogs, and poor laundry skills) and woman (full of wisdom, humor and social tact)?

“She didn’t have such a good reputation,” said Sands during a break in signing autographs last Saturday at an event that featured five of the original women players at the Days Inn in Horsham.

This is obviously a terrible sentence. Did Morsch even look at it before hitting "Publish"?

The event, sponsored by the Philadelphia Athletics Historical Society, which has a museum and gift shop in Horsham (www.philadelphiaathletics.org), was the second such autograph show the society has had in as many years featuring the professional women baseball players.

And ANOTHER terrible sentence. You can't write this poorly unless you actively try to.

Sands, from Orangeville, PA, played two seasons for the Rockford Peaches as an outfielder and catcher. She got her nickname as a child from her father, who said she dressed like another “Salty,” one of the town’s more eccentric residents.

I hate to point this out, but we're getting dangerously close to the end of the story and we've had one sentence from Ms. Sands. Where exactly is the "chat"?

“A League of Their Own,” which stars Tom Hanks, Geena Davis, Madonna and Rosie O’Donnell and was directed by Penny Marshall,

Who cares? Do readers really, really need to know all four primary actors as well as the director?

reintroduced the nation to a part of baseball history that had been forgotten during World War II and brought renewed attention back on the women who played.

And that part of baseball history was...? Classic Morsch: provide a ton of info about useless crap (i.e. the actors and director of a movie), but none about anything interesting (i.e. the topic of the article).

Sands did appear in the movie as herself, at the end during the movie’s credits where some of the original players are scrimmaging on Doubleday Field in Cooperstown, N.Y.

As for those concerns about Madonna and her reputation: “She did a wonderful job in the movie,” said Sands.

Aww, what a heartwarming story! Unfortunately, you won't find that story (or anything of interest) in Morsch's video. It's 2:37 long, and only 1:14 of that is an actual "interview." Morsch asks two questions - "What's it like to have played baseball" and "How did you get your nickname."

You might think that second one isn't a bad question. Unfortunately, it's a question that some anonymous guy at the event HAD ALREADY ASKED HER. IN THE VIDEO. So we hear the same story twice. This is no Frost/Nixon.

I just love listening to ballplayers tell their stories.

Labels: Mike Morsch, Montgomery Newspapers, Outta Leftfield

"Baseball"? "Salty Sands"? "A League of Their Own"? Literally anything that might allow a reader to find this story?

Morsch Minimalism

Monday, July 12, 2010
Raising bleach awareness

Based on the preview on his Twitter account, I already know that this article involves that most common of Morsch topics: the Phillies. I also know it is incredibly short. Neither fact is very promising.

While watching the news report of the Phillies last win before the All-Star break, The Blonde Accountant raised a question: “Who thought it was a good idea to put baseball players in white pants?”

Because white is less hot and baseball is played in the summer? Easier to see from the stands? Better contrast for team colors?

I gave the standard, simplistic answer, mostly because I couldn’t come up with a snappy comment. “The home team wears white uniforms and the visiting team wears gray uniforms.”

Like this is a topic that comes up often at the Morsch household. Also, note how he once again portrays himself as a helpless boob in the face of his wife's questioning.

But her perspective was different. Ballplayers play in the dirt and their white uniforms get dirty. But the Phillies have red pinstripes in their white uniforms, which The Blonde Accountant said would prevent the uniforms from being bleached.

We're like halfway through the post here and it's still the prologue. I'm guessing we'll never learn the secret of how baseball players get their uniforms clean.

I don’t believe I’ve ever thought of using the word “bleach” in the same sentence as “baseball.” Of course my mom and many other moms — who have spent years washing dirty baseball uniforms — probably think otherwise.

Ah, single-minded men! All we care about are sports, and all women care about is doing the wash.

“I can understand a doctor wearing a white coat, because when it gets dirty, it can be bleached,” said The Blonde Accountant. “But the red stripes in the Phillies pants would prevent them from being bleached.”

I'm sorry, did I miss that when you said "But the Phillies have red pinstripes in their white uniforms, which The Blonde Accountant said would prevent the uniforms from being bleached" one paragraph ago?

I will defer to her bleach expertise. After all, I wash the colors with the whites, so bleach doesn’t even figure into my laundry equation.

Alright already! I get that Morsch can't do wash. But now, prepare to be astounded at some arcane trivia about why the uniforms are white and how they are successfully laundered between games!

And really, we do have more substantive conversations during the 11 o’clock news. It just so happens this wasn’t one of those times.

The end! This post was literally the story of a two-sentence conversation Morsch had with his wife. How the mighty have fallen.

Labels: " Outta Leftfield, Mike Morsch, Montomgery Newspapers

Note that "baseball," "bleach," "uniforms," etc were not tagged.

From the Archives

Wednesday, March 17, 2010
Is it the right time for a dinosaur poo watch?

Morsch's production lately has slowed to a painful lumber (the same way Morsch himself moves). Maybe he's on a summer break or something, but in the absence of new material, here's an old analysis from the days before this blog...

This one promises to be a classic. [Editor's note: not so much, as it turns out]

One wonders how an idea like this came about: A Swiss watchmaker has decided to make a timepiece in fossilized dinosaur poo.
Certainly beer was involved in the decision-making process.

Bingo! As previously stated - any strange idea, Morsch attributes it to beer. Maybe he's trying to make this into a running gag of some kind?

According to a wire service story, watch designer Yvan Arpa (which I believe in Swedish translates into “Bob Knucklehead”) has decided to forego the standard watch-making elements of gold, diamond or titanium and make a watch out of dinosaur poo.

Ah, ethnocentrism - is there anything funnier? Also, has he ever heard of amber? Fossilized tree sap? Maybe he could do a column on that one, too.

And sell it for $11,290. Oh, and the watch strap on which the dinosaur poo timepiece is attached will be made from the skin of an American cane toad.

Laugh at it all you will, Mr. Morsch, but dinosaur droppings must be pretty darn rare. And as for the strap being made of toad skin… well, a lot of things are made from strange things. Wow, our clothes are made from some kind of worm by-product called "silk"!

Bob is quoted as saying that the doo-doo came from a plant-eating dinosaur that died about 100 million years ago in what is now the United States. No mention is made in the wire service story as to the legitimacy of those claims.

I was actually confused as to who "Bob" was, until I realized he was referring to his mockery of the name Yvan Arpa. Haw haw, it's funny because their names are different from ours.

Forget the “creativeness” of the idea, how does one go about locating fossilized dinosaur dung?
Ideas like this can elicit only one response from me: You gotta be bleepin’ me.

They find it through a long, expensive search, no doubt. If it was easy to find, the watch would be cheap and/or worthless. Maybe someone should explain the meaning of the name "fossil fuels" to Mr. Morsch, and he can write a column entitled "I have a bone to pick with where oil and coal come from" and suggest that Henry Ford drank a lot of beer while inventing the automobile.

And what's he bleeping out? You gotta be… kiddin' me? And note, below, his "labels," none of which actually relate to this story.

Labels: Mike Morsch, Montgomery Newspapers, Outta Leftfield

We've Come to This

Wednesday, June 30, 2010
The sweet sounds of summer

Morsch's Twitter account, which I use to detect the arrival of his latest travesties, is so cluttered with links these days that it's hard to track down the ones to his own blog/column. So this one practically passed me by! Right off the bat, I'm going to guess this is a baseball column.

Many of our communities have summer concerts series. We’ve seen some wonderfully talented local musicians at Temple Ambler, in Royersford, Spring City, Lower Gwynedd, Montgomeryville, Ardmore and countless other communities.

Oh no! Is this going to be one of those blatant promotions for some local event?

Add Doylestown to that list. Last Sunday evening we went to the Doylestown Community Sounds of Summer 2010 for the township’s Fourth of July celebration kickoff concert and fireworks display at Central Park.

Ding dang, that is one heck of a long, convoluted sentence. I'll give you five dollars if you can tell me, definitively, exactly what is taking place "at Central Park" - The Doylestown Community Sounds of Summer 2010? The township's Fourth of July celebration? The kickoff concert? The fireworks display?

The featured band was the Philly Horn Band, which put on a great show. There was a pretty big crowd, all seemingly relaxed and having a good time listening to music and awaiting the fireworks.

The typical Morsch journalistic style - big, long lead-in, followed by two sentences on the actual event. what kind of music did they play? What songs? Any memorable happenings? Nope, all we know is that the crowd was "pretty big" (compared to what?) and "seemingly relaxed" (but was actually seething with rage and violence).

The thing that strikes me about these events — in Doylestown as well as the others — is the sense of community I feel when we attend. They are intended to be family friendly events and they achieve that purpose. It’s a nice respite from all the ugliness in the world.

No wonder the newspapers are dying. A high school promotional pamphlet has more meaningful information that the work of this so-called professional.

Check out the rest of Doylestown’s summer offerings by going to www.doylestownpa.org. You can contact any respective township to see what entertainment options are being offered or you can visit www.montgomerynews.com for information.

Isn't this the perfect spot for one of Morsch's "Shameless Promotion Alerts"? I mean, here he's actually using his blog to encourage people to go to specific events. Isn't that worse than mentioning what restaurants he's eaten at?

Labels: " Outta Leftfield, Mike Morsch, Montgomery Newspapers, Philly Horn Band

"Philly Horn Band"... but not Doylestown?

A Great Thinker

Alright, given the uninspiring lack of production from Mr. Morsch, I'm forced to fall back on "A Liberal Point of View" (a.k.a. "Wurds from the Burbs"). Focusing more on the poor writing and ridiculous leaps of logic rather than the politics, here are a few memorable moments from recent posts:

In a post entitled "Activist Judges," regarding the Supreme Court's decision on campaign finance:

Is it a coincidence that the judges for the ruling tend to be aligned with a political position that favors big business while those against tend to align themselves with a political position that suggests that the everyday people of this country are losing access to their government?

I never realized that the political parties could be IDed so easily.

Republican: Favor big business
Democrat: Suggest that the everyday people of this country are losing access to their government

It's so simple!

Regarding the Supreme Court gun control decision:

Perhaps it is just our way of coping with a changing world. What we don't understand or agree with, we shoot.

I don't think that's really anyone's way of coping with a changing world. That's really lazy, trite thinking.

But seriously, is that what we want. Everyone toting a gun in the neighborhood, just in case their is a crime?

It's "in case THERE is a crime."

From a post entitled "The Big Chilling" about the movie "The Big Chill".

(As a side note, I believe this was the 2nd movie my wife and I saw when we first started dating, the first being Star Wars, Revenge of the Jedi).

That's great, because #1 this is the first movie he and his wife ever saw and he gets the name wrong, and #2 he's too lazy to even look up the proper title.

Quick side bar here. Was this movie [The Big Chill] based on a book? If so, I would love to know if someone has read it as i would imagine the idealism that they only allude to in the movie is fleshed out more considerably in the book.

A five-second internet search reveals that no, it was not based on a book. Good thought, though.