Tuesday, January 25, 2011
Never too cold for hot-stove history
Morsch went to some kind of signing event featuring - guess who! - Phillies players.
There’s nothing that takes away the sting of cold weather more than witnessing a little bit of baseball history in January.
On a day full of football in which it was decided that the Green Bay Packers would meet the Pittsburgh Steelers in Super Bowl XLV, the only two men in the history of baseball to have thrown no-hitters in the postseason met face-to-face — possibly for the first time — Sunday at a Valley Forge hotel in front of a handful of fans lucky enough to realize what they were witnessing.
I can see that two such men meeting each other is a unique event, but is it really any more significant because the NFL conference championship games were played on the same day? How about: "On a day full of hockey in which the Flyers beat the same team who defeated them to win the Stanley Cup, etc"?
Phillies ace Roy Halladay and Yankees legend Don Larsen were part of an autograph-signing show that also included Phils’ skipper Charlie Manuel, players Cliff Lee, Placido Polanco and Domonic Brown, as well as Phillies Hall-of-Fame pitcher Jim Bunning.
Uh-oh, Bunning is a Republican! Watch out, Morsch! Was he as gracious as the other players undoubtedly were?
For once, I was in the right place at the right time.
Well, you'd think that would be a reporter's job... but okay.
Larsen had finished his signing session and was exiting the room full of fans just as Halladay was coming in for his session. The two pitchers greeted each other, then posed for pictures for alert fans who recognized the significance of the encounter.
Luckily, I had my video camera at the ready.
This ranks right up there with the Zapruder film.
You can hear the reaction of those standing near me on what they just witnessed.
"You can hear the reaction... on what they just witnessed"? That is one miserable sentence. In the video, by the way, the "reaction" you hear is:
ONE GUY: That is - keep goin' Linds (?). Keep goin'. That is sweet there. That's sweet. All right!
It sounds like a porno movie is playing behind him or something. Most of the video features sloooooow pans across rows of Phils merchandise.
The buzz in the room was that it was the first time the two had ever met face-to-face. In my brief time with Halladay at the autograph table, I asked if that was the case.
“Had you ever met Mr. Larsen?” I said.
“I’ve spoken to him,” said Halladay.
That's kind of a non-answer, isn't it?
There wasn’t time for elaboration as the next autograph seeker was up and I was headed out of the line. I took Halladay to mean that he and Larsen had spoken on the phone, most likely after Halladay had tossed his gem in the 2010 playoffs.
The intrepid reporter leaves no stone unturned, eh Mr. Morsch? Way to assume your way right to the bottom of this mystery.
Larsen’s no hitter — in Game 5 of the World Series against the Brooklyn Dodgers on Oct. 8, 1956 — was a perfect game (he faced the minimum of 27 batters and recorded every out), the only time that’s ever been done in baseball history.
There needs to be a hyphen in "no hitter." The way it's written, it makes it sound like Larsen can't hit very well.
Halladay’s no-hitter was in Game 1of
He got it right this time, but missed a space between "1" and "of."
the National League Division Series against the Cincinnati Reds on Oct. 6, 2010. That one wasn’t a perfect game, but as all Phillies fans know, Halladay had pitched a perfect game against the Florida Marlins earlier in the 2010 season.
Check out the video that accompanies this item. It’s a nice little piece of baseball history that happened right here in our own back yard.
See, Morsch can worm his way into interviews with out-of-work country stars and washed-up old-time rockers, but give him a real celebrity and he has time for one question and half an answer. I hope that, somehow, he realizes that.
Labels: Mike Morsch, Montgomery Newspapers, Outta Leftfield, Phillies
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
Sunday, January 23, 2011
Preview of Coming Attractions
I am really, really looking forward to Morsch's blog post about this upcoming country music show. He is hyping it like none other...
Country star Chely Wright talks about her Friday night show at the Sellersville Theater. And about her coming out.
This is probably the third time Morsch has Tweeted about Ms. Wright's show in Sellersville and the second time he's posted the article. The first time he didn't mention she was gay. Does he think this will lure more people to his favorite venue?
Chely Wright: from breakup to breakdown to breakthrough
Published: Sunday, January 23, 2011
By Mike Morsch
Executive Editor
Don't worry - although that title sounds creative, Ms. Wright came up with it, not Morsch. The basics: Wright is a country music "star" whose last #1 hit was in 1999. She's promoting her seventh album.
But the big buzz wasn’t necessarily only about the music or words, but the public admission in those words that she was gay, that she was no longer hiding it and that, frankly, she had come to the realization that it was more important to be true to herself.
Good for her! I mean, as long as she's not using her new-found sexuality as a crass attempt to jump-start her ailing career...
Although she hasn’t turned her back on Nashville — she still has a home there — Wright has experienced more acceptance in New York.
“I’ve been in Nashville 22 years and within eight months of being in New York City, I felt more at home in a community than I’d ever felt in Nashville,” she said. “That speaks volumes of truth.”
I'm guessing the "truth" is that Nashville is full of gay-hating bigots?
“To some degree, people are always going to say Chely Wright is the gay country music star,” she said. “That’s always going to be the asterisk by my name."
But at least she isn't dwelling on it, right? Not bring it up to local reporters at every show she puts on, right? Why do people keep harping on the fact that she's gay - other than the fact that she wrote a song about it and keeps talking about it? But enough of this - let's get her thoughts on the world's greatest venue, the Sellersville Theater:
"It’s fun to play a 50,000-person festival, but there is nothing like sitting in a room with a few hundred people. It’s like hanging out in someone’s living room."
Quoth Terri Clark: “...like sitting in a living room at a party with someone who has a guitar in her lap.” Per Kathy Mattea: “...people feel like they’ve been sitting in somebody’s living room...” I used to think that was a Morsch cliche. Turns out it's more of a washed-up country singer cliche.
She’ll cap off the appearance by interacting with fans after the show.
And rest assured, we'll hear about it when Morsch's blog post comes out. Gracious celeb alert!
Wright knows that since coming out her life has changed. And she’s OK with that.
I'm glad she's happy, really. But she can't complain about people dwelling on this fact when she herself brings it up CONSTANTLY.
Country star Chely Wright talks about her Friday night show at the Sellersville Theater. And about her coming out.
This is probably the third time Morsch has Tweeted about Ms. Wright's show in Sellersville and the second time he's posted the article. The first time he didn't mention she was gay. Does he think this will lure more people to his favorite venue?
Chely Wright: from breakup to breakdown to breakthrough
Published: Sunday, January 23, 2011
By Mike Morsch
Executive Editor
Don't worry - although that title sounds creative, Ms. Wright came up with it, not Morsch. The basics: Wright is a country music "star" whose last #1 hit was in 1999. She's promoting her seventh album.
But the big buzz wasn’t necessarily only about the music or words, but the public admission in those words that she was gay, that she was no longer hiding it and that, frankly, she had come to the realization that it was more important to be true to herself.
Good for her! I mean, as long as she's not using her new-found sexuality as a crass attempt to jump-start her ailing career...
Although she hasn’t turned her back on Nashville — she still has a home there — Wright has experienced more acceptance in New York.
“I’ve been in Nashville 22 years and within eight months of being in New York City, I felt more at home in a community than I’d ever felt in Nashville,” she said. “That speaks volumes of truth.”
I'm guessing the "truth" is that Nashville is full of gay-hating bigots?
“To some degree, people are always going to say Chely Wright is the gay country music star,” she said. “That’s always going to be the asterisk by my name."
But at least she isn't dwelling on it, right? Not bring it up to local reporters at every show she puts on, right? Why do people keep harping on the fact that she's gay - other than the fact that she wrote a song about it and keeps talking about it? But enough of this - let's get her thoughts on the world's greatest venue, the Sellersville Theater:
"It’s fun to play a 50,000-person festival, but there is nothing like sitting in a room with a few hundred people. It’s like hanging out in someone’s living room."
Quoth Terri Clark: “...like sitting in a living room at a party with someone who has a guitar in her lap.” Per Kathy Mattea: “...people feel like they’ve been sitting in somebody’s living room...” I used to think that was a Morsch cliche. Turns out it's more of a washed-up country singer cliche.
She’ll cap off the appearance by interacting with fans after the show.
And rest assured, we'll hear about it when Morsch's blog post comes out. Gracious celeb alert!
Wright knows that since coming out her life has changed. And she’s OK with that.
I'm glad she's happy, really. But she can't complain about people dwelling on this fact when she herself brings it up CONSTANTLY.
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
Men are Manly
OUTTA LEFTFIELD: Store with lotions, potions and soaps makes no scents to some men
Published: Wednesday, January 19, 2011
By Mike Morsch
Executive Editor
"Scents"! Get it? It sounds like "sense." And gee, here's a great subject to muse on - the differences between men (dumb and smelly!) and women (smart and well-groomed!). Morsch is always breaking new ground in comedy.
In moments of reflection — which translated into guyspeak means boredom —
Men don't "reflect"! Men fart and burp and drink!
I oftentimes ask myself, “Why?” This is not all that unusual for a reporter because “why” is one of the questions we ask everybody.
As has been well-documented in this space, I follow The Blonde Accountant around on her various shopping excursions. So accompanying my daughters isn’t much different, the only exception being that I have twice as many bags to schlep and twice as many purses to hold while standing outside the fitting rooms trying not to fall asleep.
"Schlep"... where have I heard that word before? Did somebody write an entire column about it, perhaps?
My latest “why” moment came on a recent shopping excursion with my daughters to a store called Bath & Body Works. The store sells things like anti-bacterial soap, body cream, body lotion, body splash (and no, I don’t know the difference between body cream, body lotion and body splash),
I'd say the difference between the three is self-explanatory, wouldn't you? This is like saying you don't know the difference between a living room, a bathroom and a bedroom.
creamy body wash, shower gel and body wash, candles, wallflowers and gift sets.
I’ve taken baths and I have a body, so the possibility existed that the “Hey, Smell This” store would have something that interested me. Apparently, though, big galoots are not among the target audience for this business.
We've been down this road so many times... doesn't HE ever get tired of it?
“There is absolutely nothing in here for me,” I said to Older Daughter as she and her sister flitted about the store smelling lotions, potions and candles with names like Japanese Cherry Blossom, Twilight Woods, Moonlight Path, Secret Wonderland and Bergamot Coriander.
This guy really is, as a recent commenter put it, a "sexist douche." See, things that smell nice and have fancy names are womanly things.
For the record, I don’t believe I’ve ever bought a candle in my life, so circling the store smelling candles — all of which smelled like soap to me — wasn’t exactly the most productive use of time. But it did illustrate to what lengths I would go to as the doting dad to stay occupied while the girls were doing something they liked.
"...to what lengths I would go to"? Really, sir? Really? This is like a double English sin - trying to avoid ending a sentence in a preposition, and then doing it anyway.
“Sure they do Dad, right over there is the men’s section,” said Older Daughter, pointing to one shelf barely noticeable in a corner of the store.
This is surely fictional, since Bath and Body Works isn't exclusively for women. Their website doesn't mention gender at all - there isn't even a "For Men" or "For Women" gifts section. My conclusion: Morsch just assumes it's a store for women since it sells soaps and candles.
One shelf? That’s it? And only five fragrances: Oak, Ocean, Twilight Woods (At least we got one that the women got), Noir and Cintron. According to both daughters who have taken Spanish classes, the scent “Cintron” is very close to the Spanish word “cinturon,” which means “belt.”
This will undoubtedly devolve into an entirely pointless aside.
Imagine if I had brought some Cintron body spray home.
“Ohhh, what’s that scent you’re wearing?” The Blonde Accountant would whisper to me.
Hey, at least he's admitting that he's making up his humorless dialogue this time, right?
“It’s belt,” I would respond. And that would certainly set the mood for a wonderful romantic evening, wouldn’t it?
So standing in the store, my big “why” question became, “If you’re going to dabble in a non-primary market demographic like big galoots, why not at least come up with some fragrances that would appeal to the schnooks?”
My big "what" question is, "what the hell is he talking about"?
So I spent a few minutes looking at bottles of Midnight Pomegranate, Juniper Breeze, Pearberry and Sheer Freesia and wondering, “What the heck are Juniper Breeze, Pearberry and Sheer Freesia?” Then I conjured up what I thought would be some manly man fragrances for the store’s marketing department.
We've waited a long time for this, my friends: original material, purportedly created by Morsch, that is supposed to be the hilarious centerpiece of the article. Before we jump into that, though - what exactly is unmanly about "Midnight Pomegranate"? Seriously. Is it too "fruity"-sounding for Mike? The shades of homophobia here are too deep to ignore.
To wit:
(1) Garage and Motor Oil Blossom — Guaranteed to give one that old-tire appeal.
(2) Night Blooming Scotch and Cigar — This one would be an acquired taste. Maybe blue collar comic Ron White could be asked to endorse it.
Ah, cars! Drinking! Smoking! All the manly virtues, eh?
(3) Bergamot Pizza and Sheer Beer — This one smells, of course, like pizza and beer because men have never heard of Bergamot Coriander and Sheer Freesia, have no idea what on earth they could be or smell like, and think somebody is just messing with us.
Because MEN ARE STUPID! BWAH HA HA HA HA HAAAA! And nothing is more manly than the stink of beer and pizza.
(4) Cool Citrus Basil Rathbone — A foggy London fragrance that suggests a hint of pipe smoke wafting from the wet overcoat of Sherlock Holmes.
(5) Fresh Springtime Cardboard — Smells like bubblegum from a new pack of baseball cards.
The Basil Rathbone reference is more cultured than I would have expected - I mean, do big, dumb, chain-smokin' men have time for Sherlock Holmes between drivin' their cars and drinkin' their booze? And I do believe we have our first baseball reference of the New Year.
Daydreaming about helping Bath & Body Works expand its line and improve its marketing approach killed enough time for the girls to finish their shopping.
No way he came up with these ideas in the store. These would take him hours upon hours of concentrated thought.
Younger Daughter came away with a bagful of stuff and nothing left on a gift card. Older Daughter came away with a couple of things that she wanted.
The first "came away with" is actually informative. The second is hilariously vague and unnecessary.
And I came away with spending some quality time with my girls and the satisfaction of knowing that if I wanted to, I could smell like a belt.
He does know that just because that word sounds like the Spanish word for "belt," that isn't necessarily what it smells like, right? I enjoy how he portrays himself as hunkering moodily in a corner the whole trip, but then says that he enjoyed the quality time with his daughters.
This one was disturbing on many levels, not the least of which was the insight into his thoughts regarding the sexes. For all his liberal tendencies, it looks like our beloved author is practically a Neanderthal when it comes to gender roles in modern society.
Published: Wednesday, January 19, 2011
By Mike Morsch
Executive Editor
"Scents"! Get it? It sounds like "sense." And gee, here's a great subject to muse on - the differences between men (dumb and smelly!) and women (smart and well-groomed!). Morsch is always breaking new ground in comedy.
In moments of reflection — which translated into guyspeak means boredom —
Men don't "reflect"! Men fart and burp and drink!
I oftentimes ask myself, “Why?” This is not all that unusual for a reporter because “why” is one of the questions we ask everybody.
As has been well-documented in this space, I follow The Blonde Accountant around on her various shopping excursions. So accompanying my daughters isn’t much different, the only exception being that I have twice as many bags to schlep and twice as many purses to hold while standing outside the fitting rooms trying not to fall asleep.
"Schlep"... where have I heard that word before? Did somebody write an entire column about it, perhaps?
My latest “why” moment came on a recent shopping excursion with my daughters to a store called Bath & Body Works. The store sells things like anti-bacterial soap, body cream, body lotion, body splash (and no, I don’t know the difference between body cream, body lotion and body splash),
I'd say the difference between the three is self-explanatory, wouldn't you? This is like saying you don't know the difference between a living room, a bathroom and a bedroom.
creamy body wash, shower gel and body wash, candles, wallflowers and gift sets.
I’ve taken baths and I have a body, so the possibility existed that the “Hey, Smell This” store would have something that interested me. Apparently, though, big galoots are not among the target audience for this business.
We've been down this road so many times... doesn't HE ever get tired of it?
“There is absolutely nothing in here for me,” I said to Older Daughter as she and her sister flitted about the store smelling lotions, potions and candles with names like Japanese Cherry Blossom, Twilight Woods, Moonlight Path, Secret Wonderland and Bergamot Coriander.
This guy really is, as a recent commenter put it, a "sexist douche." See, things that smell nice and have fancy names are womanly things.
For the record, I don’t believe I’ve ever bought a candle in my life, so circling the store smelling candles — all of which smelled like soap to me — wasn’t exactly the most productive use of time. But it did illustrate to what lengths I would go to as the doting dad to stay occupied while the girls were doing something they liked.
"...to what lengths I would go to"? Really, sir? Really? This is like a double English sin - trying to avoid ending a sentence in a preposition, and then doing it anyway.
“Sure they do Dad, right over there is the men’s section,” said Older Daughter, pointing to one shelf barely noticeable in a corner of the store.
This is surely fictional, since Bath and Body Works isn't exclusively for women. Their website doesn't mention gender at all - there isn't even a "For Men" or "For Women" gifts section. My conclusion: Morsch just assumes it's a store for women since it sells soaps and candles.
One shelf? That’s it? And only five fragrances: Oak, Ocean, Twilight Woods (At least we got one that the women got), Noir and Cintron. According to both daughters who have taken Spanish classes, the scent “Cintron” is very close to the Spanish word “cinturon,” which means “belt.”
This will undoubtedly devolve into an entirely pointless aside.
Imagine if I had brought some Cintron body spray home.
“Ohhh, what’s that scent you’re wearing?” The Blonde Accountant would whisper to me.
Hey, at least he's admitting that he's making up his humorless dialogue this time, right?
“It’s belt,” I would respond. And that would certainly set the mood for a wonderful romantic evening, wouldn’t it?
So standing in the store, my big “why” question became, “If you’re going to dabble in a non-primary market demographic like big galoots, why not at least come up with some fragrances that would appeal to the schnooks?”
My big "what" question is, "what the hell is he talking about"?
So I spent a few minutes looking at bottles of Midnight Pomegranate, Juniper Breeze, Pearberry and Sheer Freesia and wondering, “What the heck are Juniper Breeze, Pearberry and Sheer Freesia?” Then I conjured up what I thought would be some manly man fragrances for the store’s marketing department.
We've waited a long time for this, my friends: original material, purportedly created by Morsch, that is supposed to be the hilarious centerpiece of the article. Before we jump into that, though - what exactly is unmanly about "Midnight Pomegranate"? Seriously. Is it too "fruity"-sounding for Mike? The shades of homophobia here are too deep to ignore.
To wit:
(1) Garage and Motor Oil Blossom — Guaranteed to give one that old-tire appeal.
(2) Night Blooming Scotch and Cigar — This one would be an acquired taste. Maybe blue collar comic Ron White could be asked to endorse it.
Ah, cars! Drinking! Smoking! All the manly virtues, eh?
(3) Bergamot Pizza and Sheer Beer — This one smells, of course, like pizza and beer because men have never heard of Bergamot Coriander and Sheer Freesia, have no idea what on earth they could be or smell like, and think somebody is just messing with us.
Because MEN ARE STUPID! BWAH HA HA HA HA HAAAA! And nothing is more manly than the stink of beer and pizza.
(4) Cool Citrus Basil Rathbone — A foggy London fragrance that suggests a hint of pipe smoke wafting from the wet overcoat of Sherlock Holmes.
(5) Fresh Springtime Cardboard — Smells like bubblegum from a new pack of baseball cards.
The Basil Rathbone reference is more cultured than I would have expected - I mean, do big, dumb, chain-smokin' men have time for Sherlock Holmes between drivin' their cars and drinkin' their booze? And I do believe we have our first baseball reference of the New Year.
Daydreaming about helping Bath & Body Works expand its line and improve its marketing approach killed enough time for the girls to finish their shopping.
No way he came up with these ideas in the store. These would take him hours upon hours of concentrated thought.
Younger Daughter came away with a bagful of stuff and nothing left on a gift card. Older Daughter came away with a couple of things that she wanted.
The first "came away with" is actually informative. The second is hilariously vague and unnecessary.
And I came away with spending some quality time with my girls and the satisfaction of knowing that if I wanted to, I could smell like a belt.
He does know that just because that word sounds like the Spanish word for "belt," that isn't necessarily what it smells like, right? I enjoy how he portrays himself as hunkering moodily in a corner the whole trip, but then says that he enjoyed the quality time with his daughters.
This one was disturbing on many levels, not the least of which was the insight into his thoughts regarding the sexes. For all his liberal tendencies, it looks like our beloved author is practically a Neanderthal when it comes to gender roles in modern society.
Sunday, January 16, 2011
Incredibly Fresh and New Things
Sunday mornings with The Three Stooges. Beautimous.
Truly, a man of many and varied interests.
Talked with Chely Wright today to preview her Sellersville Theater show on Jan. 28. She's a great interview.
Is he on the Sellersville Theater payroll or something? Do any other theaters in the area know the loads of free publicity a newspaper editor gives to one of their competitors? Would he ever admit to having a lame interview?
Truly, a man of many and varied interests.
Talked with Chely Wright today to preview her Sellersville Theater show on Jan. 28. She's a great interview.
Is he on the Sellersville Theater payroll or something? Do any other theaters in the area know the loads of free publicity a newspaper editor gives to one of their competitors? Would he ever admit to having a lame interview?
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
This Can't Be True
Outta Leftfield: Successful desk project employs the tools of ignorance, apathy
Published: Tuesday, January 11, 2011
By Mike Morsch
Executive Editor
Originality ahoy! Looks as though we're in for another "things I/men can't do" column, folks.
It is not unusual for me to shy away from projects that require a hammer and a screwdriver.
In fact, the only thing I know — or care to know — about hammers and screwdrivers is that one can easily lose track of a Saturday night by getting hammered on screwdrivers.
There seems to be a pattern to these "I'm dumb" entries... "I can't do [insert common task or skill X]. In fact, the only thing I know about X is [comparison to food, poop, or baseball].
Occasionally though, things need to be assembled in the home (the week after the holidays should be designated Assembly Required Week; surely Hallmark can come up with a card for that), and oftentimes the project requires tools, a minimal amount of knowledge on how to use those tools, and some enthusiasm for taking on a project — none of which I have.
Hallmark bit - not exactly funny, but not bad, either. Rest of paragraph - we get it.
The closest I’ve ever come to putting something together that could have been utilized in the home — a magazine rack — happened several years ago and I had to take three stabs at it to get it almost right. Instead of holding magazines, it held mostly beer bottles, so in that regard, I considered the project almost a success.
This is impossible. Nobody can be this bad at so many things. At the end of his undeservedly long career, I hope Morsch publishes an "I can't write" column. Nice beer reference, too.
But when it comes to these projects, “almost” is good enough for me. Not having to do it at all would be better.
Wait, is he saying he's BAD at projects?
So it was with great ambivalence that I approached last weekend’s project — assembling a new multi-functional computer table (we used to call them desks) that Son of Blonde Accountant had gotten for Christmas. The instruction booklet is 14 pages long. Here are some of the highlights:
Ah, the hallmark of Outta Leftfield: Unoriginal material!
(1) There are 31 separate parts to the multi-functional computer table
(2) There are 13 different types of screws and bolts.
(3) Some of the instructions appeared to be in Spanish, even the parts in English.
(4) There is no mention of a lunch break in the directions.
I liked the Spanish/English part. It actually encorporates something we call "humor" - in this case, a somewhat amusing reversal of our expectations. How did that find its way in here? Is a staffer writing this piece?
For example, here is a sample of the instructions: “Use screws (G) to assemble the fix parts of the sliders (7B) to the right vertical panel (10) and the inside vertical panel (13) considering that the small wheel has to be facing the front of the desk.”
See, I told you it was in Spanish.
I don't see why people find these things so hard. I assembled a desk like this myself, using skills I call "looking" and "reading."
For those of you who are familiar with these types of things, it will be evident that the aforementioned instructions had something to do with a desk drawer.
But just to show you how weak I am in this area, I thought we were assembling a picnic basket — with wheels, of course — and it took me 20 minutes of looking at the instructions and trying to figure out what Spanish words translated into “picnic basket.”
I seriously doubt that this is true. "It's a joke!" you protest. But it's not funny. What next? Will he think a CD is a dinner plate with a hole in the middle?
Fortunately, this was a family project. The Blonde Accountant is the brains of the outfit — the straw that stirs the drink — and Son of Blonde Accountant and I were fortunate to have her serving as project manager. Since it was his desk, Son of Blonde Accountant served as the entire labor force while I attempted to assume the duties of Executive Project Foreman in Charge of Drinks that Need to be Stirred.
Woo-hoo-hooo! We've got a reference to the woman as the "smart" one (how original), and a guffaw-inducing long title.
The Blonde Accountant will tell you, however, that she thinks I know more about these manual projects than I let on, which by golly is the absolute truth if she says so. But I have a long and storied reputation as a card-carrying member of the Federated Office Of Lollygaggers, Evaders and Dawdlers (FOOLED) union and I try to do everything possible to avoid having my pension revoked by breaking a sweat at doing anything.
Wow, ANOTHER long made-up title! Where does he come up with this stuff? This story is making less and less sense - so he's just faking being clueless? Or is he just saying his wife is right even if she's not? What's the point of this?
Surprisingly enough — at least to me — the project went relatively smoothly, despite the fact that the three of us collectively have a limited knowledge of Spanish.
I take back the nice thing I said about the "Spanish/English" joke earlier.
But working together, we managed to assemble the desk in just less than four hours, which is a huge victory when I am involved in a project of this nature. I have no problem whatsoever turning a four-hour project into a four-month project.
So... he IS bad at projects?
The only glitch we encountered was with one of the pre-drilled holes in one of the 31 parts. I leaned on one bolt just a little too much and nearly shot it through the hole and across the room. The resulting collateral damage to that piece of the desk required a bit of Crazy Glue and some tape, and I was more than willing to give the Crazy Glue four months to dry and then resume the project. To no one’s surprise but mine, the project boss said that was an unacceptable amount of time for me to be on a lunch break. Had lunch breaks been covered in the instruction manual, I believe I would have been in the clear on that one, and I will speak to the desk company about a revision of the instructions.
Morsch subscribes to the "more words = more funny" writing philosophy here. I could almost see these events played out in an old-timey silent film. Rag-time music, Morsch looking confused (title card: "I say, is this in Spanish?"), "wha-wha-wha" trombone riff at the end.
Fortunately, I had a much more appealing project to tackle after the desk, which was shoveling the weekend snow off the driveway, which certainly could have waited four months and taken care of itself as far as I was concerned.
I don't know about you, but I would really like another "four months off" joke before we wrap things up. This is probably the tenth shoveling reference in the past few columns, too.
But there is some satisfaction that we completed a family project on the same day it was started. I just hope that doesn’t mean I have to start taking Spanish classes.
And another Spanish reference. Given that the topic of this column was supposed to be "I can't put a desk together," you'd think that more of it would involve the story of trying to assemble the desk. You know, instead of those huge chunks of pointless blather.
We seem to be entering another dry period for Morsch. His blog has been neglected, and the only hints of future stories involve less-than-promising Sellersville concerts. I can only shudder at what the future might have in store...
Published: Tuesday, January 11, 2011
By Mike Morsch
Executive Editor
Originality ahoy! Looks as though we're in for another "things I/men can't do" column, folks.
It is not unusual for me to shy away from projects that require a hammer and a screwdriver.
In fact, the only thing I know — or care to know — about hammers and screwdrivers is that one can easily lose track of a Saturday night by getting hammered on screwdrivers.
There seems to be a pattern to these "I'm dumb" entries... "I can't do [insert common task or skill X]. In fact, the only thing I know about X is [comparison to food, poop, or baseball].
Occasionally though, things need to be assembled in the home (the week after the holidays should be designated Assembly Required Week; surely Hallmark can come up with a card for that), and oftentimes the project requires tools, a minimal amount of knowledge on how to use those tools, and some enthusiasm for taking on a project — none of which I have.
Hallmark bit - not exactly funny, but not bad, either. Rest of paragraph - we get it.
The closest I’ve ever come to putting something together that could have been utilized in the home — a magazine rack — happened several years ago and I had to take three stabs at it to get it almost right. Instead of holding magazines, it held mostly beer bottles, so in that regard, I considered the project almost a success.
This is impossible. Nobody can be this bad at so many things. At the end of his undeservedly long career, I hope Morsch publishes an "I can't write" column. Nice beer reference, too.
But when it comes to these projects, “almost” is good enough for me. Not having to do it at all would be better.
Wait, is he saying he's BAD at projects?
So it was with great ambivalence that I approached last weekend’s project — assembling a new multi-functional computer table (we used to call them desks) that Son of Blonde Accountant had gotten for Christmas. The instruction booklet is 14 pages long. Here are some of the highlights:
Ah, the hallmark of Outta Leftfield: Unoriginal material!
(1) There are 31 separate parts to the multi-functional computer table
(2) There are 13 different types of screws and bolts.
(3) Some of the instructions appeared to be in Spanish, even the parts in English.
(4) There is no mention of a lunch break in the directions.
I liked the Spanish/English part. It actually encorporates something we call "humor" - in this case, a somewhat amusing reversal of our expectations. How did that find its way in here? Is a staffer writing this piece?
For example, here is a sample of the instructions: “Use screws (G) to assemble the fix parts of the sliders (7B) to the right vertical panel (10) and the inside vertical panel (13) considering that the small wheel has to be facing the front of the desk.”
See, I told you it was in Spanish.
I don't see why people find these things so hard. I assembled a desk like this myself, using skills I call "looking" and "reading."
For those of you who are familiar with these types of things, it will be evident that the aforementioned instructions had something to do with a desk drawer.
But just to show you how weak I am in this area, I thought we were assembling a picnic basket — with wheels, of course — and it took me 20 minutes of looking at the instructions and trying to figure out what Spanish words translated into “picnic basket.”
I seriously doubt that this is true. "It's a joke!" you protest. But it's not funny. What next? Will he think a CD is a dinner plate with a hole in the middle?
Fortunately, this was a family project. The Blonde Accountant is the brains of the outfit — the straw that stirs the drink — and Son of Blonde Accountant and I were fortunate to have her serving as project manager. Since it was his desk, Son of Blonde Accountant served as the entire labor force while I attempted to assume the duties of Executive Project Foreman in Charge of Drinks that Need to be Stirred.
Woo-hoo-hooo! We've got a reference to the woman as the "smart" one (how original), and a guffaw-inducing long title.
The Blonde Accountant will tell you, however, that she thinks I know more about these manual projects than I let on, which by golly is the absolute truth if she says so. But I have a long and storied reputation as a card-carrying member of the Federated Office Of Lollygaggers, Evaders and Dawdlers (FOOLED) union and I try to do everything possible to avoid having my pension revoked by breaking a sweat at doing anything.
Wow, ANOTHER long made-up title! Where does he come up with this stuff? This story is making less and less sense - so he's just faking being clueless? Or is he just saying his wife is right even if she's not? What's the point of this?
Surprisingly enough — at least to me — the project went relatively smoothly, despite the fact that the three of us collectively have a limited knowledge of Spanish.
I take back the nice thing I said about the "Spanish/English" joke earlier.
But working together, we managed to assemble the desk in just less than four hours, which is a huge victory when I am involved in a project of this nature. I have no problem whatsoever turning a four-hour project into a four-month project.
So... he IS bad at projects?
The only glitch we encountered was with one of the pre-drilled holes in one of the 31 parts. I leaned on one bolt just a little too much and nearly shot it through the hole and across the room. The resulting collateral damage to that piece of the desk required a bit of Crazy Glue and some tape, and I was more than willing to give the Crazy Glue four months to dry and then resume the project. To no one’s surprise but mine, the project boss said that was an unacceptable amount of time for me to be on a lunch break. Had lunch breaks been covered in the instruction manual, I believe I would have been in the clear on that one, and I will speak to the desk company about a revision of the instructions.
Morsch subscribes to the "more words = more funny" writing philosophy here. I could almost see these events played out in an old-timey silent film. Rag-time music, Morsch looking confused (title card: "I say, is this in Spanish?"), "wha-wha-wha" trombone riff at the end.
Fortunately, I had a much more appealing project to tackle after the desk, which was shoveling the weekend snow off the driveway, which certainly could have waited four months and taken care of itself as far as I was concerned.
I don't know about you, but I would really like another "four months off" joke before we wrap things up. This is probably the tenth shoveling reference in the past few columns, too.
But there is some satisfaction that we completed a family project on the same day it was started. I just hope that doesn’t mean I have to start taking Spanish classes.
And another Spanish reference. Given that the topic of this column was supposed to be "I can't put a desk together," you'd think that more of it would involve the story of trying to assemble the desk. You know, instead of those huge chunks of pointless blather.
We seem to be entering another dry period for Morsch. His blog has been neglected, and the only hints of future stories involve less-than-promising Sellersville concerts. I can only shudder at what the future might have in store...
Saturday, January 8, 2011
2010 - A Year of Lameness in Review
@chrisvisco1 Re: Article on you: Whose the man? Tuesday, January 04, 2011 9:55:04 PM via web in reply to chrisvisco1
Unless this is a joke, that should be "who's the man."
Outta Leftfield: The most interesting interviews of 2010
Published: Tuesday, January 04, 2011
By Mike Morsch
Seeing the title of this article, one might suppose that this is sort of a "Top Ten" list of all the minor celebs and local musicians to whom Morsch has spoken. But seeing the LENGTH of this article, it's obvious that this is practically everyone to whom Morsch has spoken. Not unusual for a man who can't think of a bad thing to say about anyone (except Palin).
On the phone, Olivia Newton-John sounds just like she did in the classic film “Grease.” Joziah Longo, frontman for the band Gandalf Murphy and the Slambovian Circus of Dreams, has a distinctive look and a personality to match. Pete Rose sometimes says one thing during a conversation, but appears to mean something entirely different.
I love that Pete Rose thing - like Morsch is such an ace interviewer he can see into his very soul.
Those are just some of the tidbits of information that didn’t make it into the stories about these people when they visited our area last year. Here is a look at some of the memorable interviews of 2010:
Oh, if only we had gotten that "says something, appears to mean something else" tidbit sooner!
William Quigley and Roger Apollon — These two guys got together — Quigley as owner of the Sellersville Theater 1894 and Apollon as frontman for the band Bigger Thomas, whose parents are both Haitian — and put on a benefit concert to aid relief efforts for the people of Haiti devastated by a January earthquake.
Sellersville Theater! How about a "Most Over-Used Column Topics" post, Morsch?
Several area bands donated their time, and the ST94 staff worked the Sunday evening benefit for free. When the final tallying was done, the effort raised $12,000 for the International Red Cross.
Quigley, Apollon, all those involved and those who attended really came together as a community for a good cause.
So why exactly was this a great interview?
Jane Seymour — Ms. Seymour was back in the area in February exhibiting her art at Wentworth Gallery in the King of Prussia Mall and was more than willing to talk about it.
A celeb willing to promote herself. Imagine that.
It was pretty much the same interview and story as the one I wrote last year when she appeared at the gallery. But one of the founding principles of good journalism is . . . to never pass up an opportunity to interview the really good looking Hollywood stars when they come to our area.
By the way, at age 59, Ms. Seymour looks fabulous, has impeccable taste in clothing and in person is a tiny woman, much smaller than I had expected.
At least Morsch admits that he writes the same crap over and over.
Dr. Ronald Mallett — A renowned physicist, Dr. Mallett was at the Penn State Abington campus to give a lecture about his work with time travel.
It was more physics than it was “Back to the Future” science fiction, but it was interesting and informative, and Dr. Mallett was a good interview.
Care to elaborate on that? No? Cool.
Apparently filmmaker and director Spike Lee is making a movie about Mallett’s childhood desire to build a time machine and travel back in time to warn his father of an impending fatal heart attack. I was hoping to at least make enough of an impression on Dr. Mallett that he would put in a good word with Lee to see if I could get a cameo in the film. As a cynical reporter, of course.
If there's a bumbling retard in Lee's film, we'll know who provided the inspiration.
Ricky Skaggs — Bluegrass isn’t my thing, but there is no denying that country superstar Skaggs is at the forefront these days of making sure this type of music is appreciated and not forgotten.
So basically, "I hate it, but he keeps doing it."
During an interview to preview his February appearance at the Sellersville Theater 1894, the Kentucky-born Skaggs referred to himself as and “old fud.”
I’m not sure what an old fud is in Kentucky, but here in Pennsylvania, it’s likely followed by, “I want you to be vewy, vewy quiet . . . I’m hunting wabbits.”
Elmer Fudd - apparently one of history's famous Pennsylvanians.
Brian Seltzer — The Elkins Park native was named the new play-by-play voice of the Reading Phillies in February.
The cool thing about his story was that his first exposure to a live sporting event was Game 6 of the 1993 National League Championship Series between the Phillies and the Atlanta Braves.
WOW! That's not cool.
In Seltzer’s party that day was a teacher from Myers Elementary School named . . . Mike Schmidt, who still teaches at the school and shares a name with a certain Phillies Hall of Fame third baseman.
WOW! Still not cool.
Nearly 17 years after that day in Veterans Stadium, Seltzer got the job with the Reading Phillies.
As for all the coincidences in that story, I’ll defer to the late Hall of Fame broadcaster Rich Asburn: “Hard to believe, Harry.”
Ha! Are you kidding me? The current Reading Phillies' announcer once attended to a Phillies game and knew a guy with the same name as a Philly player.
Olivia Newton-John — Remember the scene in “Grease” when the John Travolta character unexpectedly sees the Olivia Newton-John character for the first time at Rydell High School? He exclaims, “Sandy?”
That’s what I wanted to say when my office phone rang and the voice on the other end said, “Hello, this is Olivia.”
I grew up on Olivia Newton-John’s music. And when “Grease” came out in 1979, I was 20 years old. I can assure you that I thought then that Ms. Newton-John did more for black stretch pants than anybody has ever done in the history of black stretch pants. (Further viewing of the movie reveals the pants may actually have been Spandex, but whatever they were made of, Olivia Newton-John looked pretty humma-humma in them.)
Disgusting.
She was in the area to do a benefit concert at West Chester University. I got a real kick out of talking to her. During our conversion, I even mentioned how fabulous she looked in those black leather (Spandex) pants, tastefully of course. I’m sure it wasn’t the first time she had heard that, but she giggled at the reference.
I made Olivia Newton-John giggle. That’s just too cool.
I would imagine it was more of a gag than a giggle.
Kathleen Turner — Another one of my favorites from the 1980s, Ms. Turner was in Philadelphia to star in the one-woman stage production of the life of newspaper columnist Molly Ivins.
If you remember Ms. Turner in the 1981 film “Body Heat,’ you know she was hot, hot, hot. Smokin’. Sultry. Sexy. Quite woo-hooable indeed.
We've already had three instances of Morsch lusting after the women he's interviewing. It's even making me uncomfortable.
And that voice. When I mentioned her unique voice during the interview, she said, “Well, it’s not really a girly voice now, is it?”
No ma’am it’s not, but it’s still, well . . . ahem. Is it getting warm in here or is it just me?
Sick!
Candace Bushnell — The “Sex in the City” author was at Penn State Abington for a discussion and book signing. Those of you who are fans of the HBO show and later movies will know that Ms. Bushnell’s alter ego Carrie Bradshaw (played by Sarah Jessica Parker) loves shoes.
And Ms. Bushnell did not disappoint the Penn State Abington crowd with her shoe selection: sparkly, pink, peep-toed six-inch stiletto heels by Christian Louboutin.
At the time I wrote: “They were more pink than ruby, but I’m pretty sure if Ms. Bushnell would have clicked those substantial heels together three times, we would have ended up somewhere in Kansas.”
Why don't you just re-print the entire article? It would be easier than coming up with new material, as you've obviously discovered.
And I’m still not sure who Christian Louboutin is. My guess is that he’s not from Kansas.
There were a few "guy with strange name" jokes in the original column as well.
Jo Dee Messina — Ms. Messina was making a return engagement to the Keswick Theater when I spoke with her in March.
The last time she was at the Keswick, in December 2008, she was in a hissing match with her record label, which wouldn’t release any of her new music. And she wasn’t shy about expressing her considerable displeasure with the record label to a reporter.
This time around, though, some of those differences appeared to have been resolved and Ms. Messina was tickled to be getting some new music to her fans.
This is like a horrible, never-ending deja vu nightmare.
In both interviews I’ve done with her, I have found her to be brutally honest with her answers and her relationship — or lack of one — with her record company.
Jo Dee can be aptly described as “feisty.” And she’s got a wonderfully feisty laugh on the other end of the telephone.
I don't want to know what Morsch was doing on his end of the telephone.
Joziah Longo — The frontman for the band Gandalf Murphy and the Slambovian Circus of Dreams, Longo is one interesting character. And that’s one great name for a band.
The story of how he came up with that name of the band is interesting enough, as I detailed in the story at the time, but add it to what he described as the “trippiness” of his music, and it was clear to see why the band has been described as “hillbilly Pink Floyd.”
One minor quibble - what makes these the "top" interviews of the year? I was expecting some kind of raking system, or a bit of explanation at the very least.
I was at the band’s show at the Sellersville Theater at the beginning of May, and the Slambovians delivered the goods.
Marilyn Hanold — A special guest at this year’s Three Stooges Fan Club convention in Fort Washington, Hanold was in the 1957 Stooges film “Space Ship Sappy” with the boys.
My God - if we can get a "spilling mustard" joke and a Hall and Oates reference in here, we really WILL have a "top Morsch cliches" article.
But also on her resume: She was Playboy’s Playmate of the Month in June 1959; she starred in the 1965 cult classic “Frankenstein Meets the Spacemonster,” which some critics have called the worst movie ever made; she appeared in a two-part episode as Liberace’s henchwoman in the campy television series “Batman” in 1966, which became the show’s highest-rated episode during its run; and she dated Elvis Presley in the 1950s.
She said Elvis got a huge kick about the fact that she had appeared in a Three Stooges short film. How could I not want to talk to somebody with that background? At seventysomething years of age, she’s still a head-turner.
Lusting after a 70-something-year-old woman - the Blonde Accountant must have headaches an awful lot, huh?
Kathy Mattea — The best interviews are the ones that end up being conversations, like two people sitting at a kitchen table chatting about life. Of course, when it comes to talking with a reporter, the interview subject will determine just how much of a kitchen table chat that will be.
What? I will pay $5 for someone to tell me what the hell that paragraph means.
Ms. Mattea — one of country music’s big females stars — is down to earth and easy to talk to, intelligent and articulate. Her stage presence and easiness with the crowd seemed perfectly suited for a venue like the Sellersville Theater.
And she spent a lot of time greeting fans after the show, which always impresses me.
No freakin' kidding. He mentions that in every article. IT'S WHAT THEY DO. Get over it. It's like being impressed when a politician shakes your hand. And that's the second Sellersville Theater reference we've had.
Mary Chapin Carpenter — Sticking with the intelligent and articulate conversation theme, Ms. Carpenter was much the same as Ms. Mattea, an easy telephone conversation, although I did botch her name a bit and she called me on it.
I referred to her as “Mary” in my greeting to her, which she promptly corrected. “My first name is Mary Chapin,” she said.
So she's a total bitch, is that what you're saying?
She was back on tour for the first time since recovering from a health scare that nearly took her life a few years ago, and was happy to be back on the road.
Unfortunately, I didn’t get a chance to see her August performance at the Keswick Theater in Glenside.
Any day that Morsch actually misses a local concert is one worth noting.
Ashley Gbemudu — The Wyndmoor teen, a recent graduate of Springfield Township High School, was selected to win the “Young Heroes Award” from the National Liberty Museum for being an outstanding role model in her school and community.
Ashley wants to get an undergraduate degree in nursing from Drexel University and then attend medical school, with the ultimate goal of being a pediatric oncologist.
It’s wonderful to talk with talented and ambitious young people who are recognized for their hard work.
I hope Morsch advised her to take time to greet her fans - truly the hallmark of any great person.
Paul Thorn — Not that it was a bad interview, but there was nothing unusual or special about my talk with Americana singer-songwriter Thorn. He did, however, provide what I thought was the greatest stage exit at the end of his show at the Sellersville Theater in August.
I'm thinking Morsch should re-name his column "Outta Sellersville Theater." It would more accurately reflect what he writes about.
Certainly, it was one of those moments where one had to be there to appreciate it. And the emotion and feeling loses something when put into words.
But during the encore song “That’s Life,” Thorn exited off the front of the stage while the band continued to play, hugging and shaking hands with the fans. He continued that through the crowd, up the aisle and into the lobby of the theater, where he stayed to greet fans.
It was the coolest stage exit I had ever seen.
This literally made me laugh. THAT was the coolest stage exit? The guy walked through the crowd and stood in the lobby?
Esai Morales — The popular actor — known for his roles in the 1987 film “La Bamba” as Ritchie Valens’ brother and as Lt. Tony Rodriguez from 2001-2004 on the acclaimed ABC series “NYPD Blue” — was at Penn State Abington in September as part of Hispanic Heritage Month.
As the time, he was on baby watch as he was expecting the birth of his first child at any moment back in Los Angeles. We talked a lot about impending fatherhood, and it was fun to listen to a first-time dad-to-be talk about the range of emotions he was feeling.
"The popular actor" - I'd never heard of this guy before.
Morales charmed the Penn State students and staff, and the baby didn’t arrive until he got back to Los Angeles.
Pete Rose — No matter what opinion one has of Rose as a person or if he belongs in the Major League Baseball Hall of Fame, there’s no denying he is a legend. And how many legends does one get to talk to?
I talked to "The Living Legend" Bruno Sammartino once. So I've got Morsch tied.
Rose was in Philly in October for the premiere of a new documentary on his playing days. The Hall of Fame debate will always be a part of every story on Pete, and he didn’t dodge those questions.
In one 20-minute conversation though, it occurred to me that although Pete likes to talk, he sometimes has trouble articulating his thoughts.
After reading more than a year of your column, sir, I'd direct you to the old proverb about living in a glass house. How dare this stooge accuse someone of not being able to express himself?!?
For example, he told a story about the impact he had on the Phillies 1980 championship team. The story centered on respect the players had for him — coming from those great Cincinnati Reds teams of the mid-1970s — and for each other in the clubhouse and on the field.
Given the context of the conversion and its tone, it could have sounded to some like Pete was actually being arrogant — a claim made often about Pete — and disrespectful to teammates like Greg Luzinski, Bob Boone and Larry Bowa.
I don't think "has trouble articulating" and "being arrogant" are the same thing.
That wasn’t the case at all. It’s just that he had trouble articulating those thoughts in their proper context. Consequently, I had trouble translating the story into the proper context for readers, so I was unable to effectively use the anecdote in my story.
Shut. Up. How many interviews has Pete Rose done? And not just with mediocre local reporters, but big-time national guys? Thousands? Is Morsch really prepared to say that the failure to put "thoughts in their proper context" was Rose's and not his own? What a colossal douche.
A Pittsburgh Pirates fan as a kid, I wasn’t too fond of Pete because he played for the Cincinnati Reds, and the two teams had a pretty good rivalry in the 1970s.
But I shared with him that I still have all my Pete Rose baseball cards from that era, including seven Rose cards from the 1971 set, the year the Pirates won the World Series.
I'm sure nobody has ever told Pete Rose that they actually own one of his baseball cards. And I'm sure Morsch has never told US that he liked the Pirates as a kid. Now, of course, he likes the Phillies. Front-runner.
Terri Clark — The country singer was still emotional about losing her mother to cancer in April when she brought her “Unplugged and Alone” tour to the Sellersville Theater in October. As I had lost my dad to cancer in 2006, we talked at length about those feelings.
Yet ANOTHER Sellersville interview makes the "top" list! Is anyone surprised?
The Sellersville show was filled with Clark’s emotion and she offered those attending an up-close look at those feelings. It made for a highly personal show between artist and audience, something you don’t see very often from the cheap seats.
No new material here. Didn't Morsch promise some kind of interesting new tidbits?
Bill Leahy — The La Salle High School lacrosse coach was inducted into the Montgomery County Coaches Hall of Fame in November.
I never played lacrosse and have only seen one lacrosse match in my life. When I went to the school to interview him for the story, the guy made such a good impression on me that I immediately wanted to pick up a stick, go back to high school, and play on his team, which might have been challenging because the stick I would have picked up would have been a baseball bat.
That is not funny and makes no sense.
I don’t think baseball bats are allowed during lacrosse games, but coach Leahy probably would have figured out a way for me to make it work.
He’s just that good of a coach. But he appears to be an even better human being. And what more can we ask out of those we entrust with our most precious commodity — our children?
The end. Seriously. Not even a little wrap-up paragraph. Other than being the perfect showcase for how lame, repetitive and clueless Morsch's columns are, what's the point of this column? It's not a "top ten." It's not even a "behind the scenes." It's more like a "I don't have a topic and the column is due tomorrow."
Unless this is a joke, that should be "who's the man."
Outta Leftfield: The most interesting interviews of 2010
Published: Tuesday, January 04, 2011
By Mike Morsch
Seeing the title of this article, one might suppose that this is sort of a "Top Ten" list of all the minor celebs and local musicians to whom Morsch has spoken. But seeing the LENGTH of this article, it's obvious that this is practically everyone to whom Morsch has spoken. Not unusual for a man who can't think of a bad thing to say about anyone (except Palin).
On the phone, Olivia Newton-John sounds just like she did in the classic film “Grease.” Joziah Longo, frontman for the band Gandalf Murphy and the Slambovian Circus of Dreams, has a distinctive look and a personality to match. Pete Rose sometimes says one thing during a conversation, but appears to mean something entirely different.
I love that Pete Rose thing - like Morsch is such an ace interviewer he can see into his very soul.
Those are just some of the tidbits of information that didn’t make it into the stories about these people when they visited our area last year. Here is a look at some of the memorable interviews of 2010:
Oh, if only we had gotten that "says something, appears to mean something else" tidbit sooner!
William Quigley and Roger Apollon — These two guys got together — Quigley as owner of the Sellersville Theater 1894 and Apollon as frontman for the band Bigger Thomas, whose parents are both Haitian — and put on a benefit concert to aid relief efforts for the people of Haiti devastated by a January earthquake.
Sellersville Theater! How about a "Most Over-Used Column Topics" post, Morsch?
Several area bands donated their time, and the ST94 staff worked the Sunday evening benefit for free. When the final tallying was done, the effort raised $12,000 for the International Red Cross.
Quigley, Apollon, all those involved and those who attended really came together as a community for a good cause.
So why exactly was this a great interview?
Jane Seymour — Ms. Seymour was back in the area in February exhibiting her art at Wentworth Gallery in the King of Prussia Mall and was more than willing to talk about it.
A celeb willing to promote herself. Imagine that.
It was pretty much the same interview and story as the one I wrote last year when she appeared at the gallery. But one of the founding principles of good journalism is . . . to never pass up an opportunity to interview the really good looking Hollywood stars when they come to our area.
By the way, at age 59, Ms. Seymour looks fabulous, has impeccable taste in clothing and in person is a tiny woman, much smaller than I had expected.
At least Morsch admits that he writes the same crap over and over.
Dr. Ronald Mallett — A renowned physicist, Dr. Mallett was at the Penn State Abington campus to give a lecture about his work with time travel.
It was more physics than it was “Back to the Future” science fiction, but it was interesting and informative, and Dr. Mallett was a good interview.
Care to elaborate on that? No? Cool.
Apparently filmmaker and director Spike Lee is making a movie about Mallett’s childhood desire to build a time machine and travel back in time to warn his father of an impending fatal heart attack. I was hoping to at least make enough of an impression on Dr. Mallett that he would put in a good word with Lee to see if I could get a cameo in the film. As a cynical reporter, of course.
If there's a bumbling retard in Lee's film, we'll know who provided the inspiration.
Ricky Skaggs — Bluegrass isn’t my thing, but there is no denying that country superstar Skaggs is at the forefront these days of making sure this type of music is appreciated and not forgotten.
So basically, "I hate it, but he keeps doing it."
During an interview to preview his February appearance at the Sellersville Theater 1894, the Kentucky-born Skaggs referred to himself as and “old fud.”
I’m not sure what an old fud is in Kentucky, but here in Pennsylvania, it’s likely followed by, “I want you to be vewy, vewy quiet . . . I’m hunting wabbits.”
Elmer Fudd - apparently one of history's famous Pennsylvanians.
Brian Seltzer — The Elkins Park native was named the new play-by-play voice of the Reading Phillies in February.
The cool thing about his story was that his first exposure to a live sporting event was Game 6 of the 1993 National League Championship Series between the Phillies and the Atlanta Braves.
WOW! That's not cool.
In Seltzer’s party that day was a teacher from Myers Elementary School named . . . Mike Schmidt, who still teaches at the school and shares a name with a certain Phillies Hall of Fame third baseman.
WOW! Still not cool.
Nearly 17 years after that day in Veterans Stadium, Seltzer got the job with the Reading Phillies.
As for all the coincidences in that story, I’ll defer to the late Hall of Fame broadcaster Rich Asburn: “Hard to believe, Harry.”
Ha! Are you kidding me? The current Reading Phillies' announcer once attended to a Phillies game and knew a guy with the same name as a Philly player.
Olivia Newton-John — Remember the scene in “Grease” when the John Travolta character unexpectedly sees the Olivia Newton-John character for the first time at Rydell High School? He exclaims, “Sandy?”
That’s what I wanted to say when my office phone rang and the voice on the other end said, “Hello, this is Olivia.”
I grew up on Olivia Newton-John’s music. And when “Grease” came out in 1979, I was 20 years old. I can assure you that I thought then that Ms. Newton-John did more for black stretch pants than anybody has ever done in the history of black stretch pants. (Further viewing of the movie reveals the pants may actually have been Spandex, but whatever they were made of, Olivia Newton-John looked pretty humma-humma in them.)
Disgusting.
She was in the area to do a benefit concert at West Chester University. I got a real kick out of talking to her. During our conversion, I even mentioned how fabulous she looked in those black leather (Spandex) pants, tastefully of course. I’m sure it wasn’t the first time she had heard that, but she giggled at the reference.
I made Olivia Newton-John giggle. That’s just too cool.
I would imagine it was more of a gag than a giggle.
Kathleen Turner — Another one of my favorites from the 1980s, Ms. Turner was in Philadelphia to star in the one-woman stage production of the life of newspaper columnist Molly Ivins.
If you remember Ms. Turner in the 1981 film “Body Heat,’ you know she was hot, hot, hot. Smokin’. Sultry. Sexy. Quite woo-hooable indeed.
We've already had three instances of Morsch lusting after the women he's interviewing. It's even making me uncomfortable.
And that voice. When I mentioned her unique voice during the interview, she said, “Well, it’s not really a girly voice now, is it?”
No ma’am it’s not, but it’s still, well . . . ahem. Is it getting warm in here or is it just me?
Sick!
Candace Bushnell — The “Sex in the City” author was at Penn State Abington for a discussion and book signing. Those of you who are fans of the HBO show and later movies will know that Ms. Bushnell’s alter ego Carrie Bradshaw (played by Sarah Jessica Parker) loves shoes.
And Ms. Bushnell did not disappoint the Penn State Abington crowd with her shoe selection: sparkly, pink, peep-toed six-inch stiletto heels by Christian Louboutin.
At the time I wrote: “They were more pink than ruby, but I’m pretty sure if Ms. Bushnell would have clicked those substantial heels together three times, we would have ended up somewhere in Kansas.”
Why don't you just re-print the entire article? It would be easier than coming up with new material, as you've obviously discovered.
And I’m still not sure who Christian Louboutin is. My guess is that he’s not from Kansas.
There were a few "guy with strange name" jokes in the original column as well.
Jo Dee Messina — Ms. Messina was making a return engagement to the Keswick Theater when I spoke with her in March.
The last time she was at the Keswick, in December 2008, she was in a hissing match with her record label, which wouldn’t release any of her new music. And she wasn’t shy about expressing her considerable displeasure with the record label to a reporter.
This time around, though, some of those differences appeared to have been resolved and Ms. Messina was tickled to be getting some new music to her fans.
This is like a horrible, never-ending deja vu nightmare.
In both interviews I’ve done with her, I have found her to be brutally honest with her answers and her relationship — or lack of one — with her record company.
Jo Dee can be aptly described as “feisty.” And she’s got a wonderfully feisty laugh on the other end of the telephone.
I don't want to know what Morsch was doing on his end of the telephone.
Joziah Longo — The frontman for the band Gandalf Murphy and the Slambovian Circus of Dreams, Longo is one interesting character. And that’s one great name for a band.
The story of how he came up with that name of the band is interesting enough, as I detailed in the story at the time, but add it to what he described as the “trippiness” of his music, and it was clear to see why the band has been described as “hillbilly Pink Floyd.”
One minor quibble - what makes these the "top" interviews of the year? I was expecting some kind of raking system, or a bit of explanation at the very least.
I was at the band’s show at the Sellersville Theater at the beginning of May, and the Slambovians delivered the goods.
Marilyn Hanold — A special guest at this year’s Three Stooges Fan Club convention in Fort Washington, Hanold was in the 1957 Stooges film “Space Ship Sappy” with the boys.
My God - if we can get a "spilling mustard" joke and a Hall and Oates reference in here, we really WILL have a "top Morsch cliches" article.
But also on her resume: She was Playboy’s Playmate of the Month in June 1959; she starred in the 1965 cult classic “Frankenstein Meets the Spacemonster,” which some critics have called the worst movie ever made; she appeared in a two-part episode as Liberace’s henchwoman in the campy television series “Batman” in 1966, which became the show’s highest-rated episode during its run; and she dated Elvis Presley in the 1950s.
She said Elvis got a huge kick about the fact that she had appeared in a Three Stooges short film. How could I not want to talk to somebody with that background? At seventysomething years of age, she’s still a head-turner.
Lusting after a 70-something-year-old woman - the Blonde Accountant must have headaches an awful lot, huh?
Kathy Mattea — The best interviews are the ones that end up being conversations, like two people sitting at a kitchen table chatting about life. Of course, when it comes to talking with a reporter, the interview subject will determine just how much of a kitchen table chat that will be.
What? I will pay $5 for someone to tell me what the hell that paragraph means.
Ms. Mattea — one of country music’s big females stars — is down to earth and easy to talk to, intelligent and articulate. Her stage presence and easiness with the crowd seemed perfectly suited for a venue like the Sellersville Theater.
And she spent a lot of time greeting fans after the show, which always impresses me.
No freakin' kidding. He mentions that in every article. IT'S WHAT THEY DO. Get over it. It's like being impressed when a politician shakes your hand. And that's the second Sellersville Theater reference we've had.
Mary Chapin Carpenter — Sticking with the intelligent and articulate conversation theme, Ms. Carpenter was much the same as Ms. Mattea, an easy telephone conversation, although I did botch her name a bit and she called me on it.
I referred to her as “Mary” in my greeting to her, which she promptly corrected. “My first name is Mary Chapin,” she said.
So she's a total bitch, is that what you're saying?
She was back on tour for the first time since recovering from a health scare that nearly took her life a few years ago, and was happy to be back on the road.
Unfortunately, I didn’t get a chance to see her August performance at the Keswick Theater in Glenside.
Any day that Morsch actually misses a local concert is one worth noting.
Ashley Gbemudu — The Wyndmoor teen, a recent graduate of Springfield Township High School, was selected to win the “Young Heroes Award” from the National Liberty Museum for being an outstanding role model in her school and community.
Ashley wants to get an undergraduate degree in nursing from Drexel University and then attend medical school, with the ultimate goal of being a pediatric oncologist.
It’s wonderful to talk with talented and ambitious young people who are recognized for their hard work.
I hope Morsch advised her to take time to greet her fans - truly the hallmark of any great person.
Paul Thorn — Not that it was a bad interview, but there was nothing unusual or special about my talk with Americana singer-songwriter Thorn. He did, however, provide what I thought was the greatest stage exit at the end of his show at the Sellersville Theater in August.
I'm thinking Morsch should re-name his column "Outta Sellersville Theater." It would more accurately reflect what he writes about.
Certainly, it was one of those moments where one had to be there to appreciate it. And the emotion and feeling loses something when put into words.
But during the encore song “That’s Life,” Thorn exited off the front of the stage while the band continued to play, hugging and shaking hands with the fans. He continued that through the crowd, up the aisle and into the lobby of the theater, where he stayed to greet fans.
It was the coolest stage exit I had ever seen.
This literally made me laugh. THAT was the coolest stage exit? The guy walked through the crowd and stood in the lobby?
Esai Morales — The popular actor — known for his roles in the 1987 film “La Bamba” as Ritchie Valens’ brother and as Lt. Tony Rodriguez from 2001-2004 on the acclaimed ABC series “NYPD Blue” — was at Penn State Abington in September as part of Hispanic Heritage Month.
As the time, he was on baby watch as he was expecting the birth of his first child at any moment back in Los Angeles. We talked a lot about impending fatherhood, and it was fun to listen to a first-time dad-to-be talk about the range of emotions he was feeling.
"The popular actor" - I'd never heard of this guy before.
Morales charmed the Penn State students and staff, and the baby didn’t arrive until he got back to Los Angeles.
Pete Rose — No matter what opinion one has of Rose as a person or if he belongs in the Major League Baseball Hall of Fame, there’s no denying he is a legend. And how many legends does one get to talk to?
I talked to "The Living Legend" Bruno Sammartino once. So I've got Morsch tied.
Rose was in Philly in October for the premiere of a new documentary on his playing days. The Hall of Fame debate will always be a part of every story on Pete, and he didn’t dodge those questions.
In one 20-minute conversation though, it occurred to me that although Pete likes to talk, he sometimes has trouble articulating his thoughts.
After reading more than a year of your column, sir, I'd direct you to the old proverb about living in a glass house. How dare this stooge accuse someone of not being able to express himself?!?
For example, he told a story about the impact he had on the Phillies 1980 championship team. The story centered on respect the players had for him — coming from those great Cincinnati Reds teams of the mid-1970s — and for each other in the clubhouse and on the field.
Given the context of the conversion and its tone, it could have sounded to some like Pete was actually being arrogant — a claim made often about Pete — and disrespectful to teammates like Greg Luzinski, Bob Boone and Larry Bowa.
I don't think "has trouble articulating" and "being arrogant" are the same thing.
That wasn’t the case at all. It’s just that he had trouble articulating those thoughts in their proper context. Consequently, I had trouble translating the story into the proper context for readers, so I was unable to effectively use the anecdote in my story.
Shut. Up. How many interviews has Pete Rose done? And not just with mediocre local reporters, but big-time national guys? Thousands? Is Morsch really prepared to say that the failure to put "thoughts in their proper context" was Rose's and not his own? What a colossal douche.
A Pittsburgh Pirates fan as a kid, I wasn’t too fond of Pete because he played for the Cincinnati Reds, and the two teams had a pretty good rivalry in the 1970s.
But I shared with him that I still have all my Pete Rose baseball cards from that era, including seven Rose cards from the 1971 set, the year the Pirates won the World Series.
I'm sure nobody has ever told Pete Rose that they actually own one of his baseball cards. And I'm sure Morsch has never told US that he liked the Pirates as a kid. Now, of course, he likes the Phillies. Front-runner.
Terri Clark — The country singer was still emotional about losing her mother to cancer in April when she brought her “Unplugged and Alone” tour to the Sellersville Theater in October. As I had lost my dad to cancer in 2006, we talked at length about those feelings.
Yet ANOTHER Sellersville interview makes the "top" list! Is anyone surprised?
The Sellersville show was filled with Clark’s emotion and she offered those attending an up-close look at those feelings. It made for a highly personal show between artist and audience, something you don’t see very often from the cheap seats.
No new material here. Didn't Morsch promise some kind of interesting new tidbits?
Bill Leahy — The La Salle High School lacrosse coach was inducted into the Montgomery County Coaches Hall of Fame in November.
I never played lacrosse and have only seen one lacrosse match in my life. When I went to the school to interview him for the story, the guy made such a good impression on me that I immediately wanted to pick up a stick, go back to high school, and play on his team, which might have been challenging because the stick I would have picked up would have been a baseball bat.
That is not funny and makes no sense.
I don’t think baseball bats are allowed during lacrosse games, but coach Leahy probably would have figured out a way for me to make it work.
He’s just that good of a coach. But he appears to be an even better human being. And what more can we ask out of those we entrust with our most precious commodity — our children?
The end. Seriously. Not even a little wrap-up paragraph. Other than being the perfect showcase for how lame, repetitive and clueless Morsch's columns are, what's the point of this column? It's not a "top ten." It's not even a "behind the scenes." It's more like a "I don't have a topic and the column is due tomorrow."
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