OUTTA LEFTFIELD: Not a bidet-dream believer in the electronic toilet seat
Published: Tuesday, July 26, 2011
By Mike Morsch
Executive Editor
Is it a surprise that Borsch is once again writing about a "zany" invention? No. If the topic isn't baseball or a recent local concert, this is basically the only thing left in his repertoire. Another familiar Borsch trick - using song lyrics in sentences - is on full display here.
If you women think that we men monopolize the remote control now, just wait until we all run out and buy the Intelliseat, touted as “the premiere electronic toilet seat on the market today.”
WOW, guys monopolizing the remote! Could it get any fresher than this?
Oddly enough, I wasn’t even the one who discovered the existence of this product. The Blonde Accountant and Daughter of Blonde Accountant were on an advanced scouting trip to Costco for something else recently when they stumbled upon the display for the Intelliseat.
"Advanced scouting trip" is most definitely a baseball reference, although I believe the term is "advance scouting."
This is a common modern-day Borsch offering - long on detail and boring story, short on all but the lamest attempts at humor. For instance, in the next pharagraph he uses the word "schlep" and suggests that he goes to Costco only for the free food samples.
He goes on to list the features of the product (the sheer amount of detail will have you in stitches!) before writing this:
What I found humorous was that printed right on the top of the box were the words, “This end up.” That seemed like a bit of a contradiction because the product actually requires more of a “this end down” approach.
This comic gem is pretty much the high water mark for this column. We get a little jingoism while discussing the word "bidet":
Unfortunately, my knowledge of French is limited to toast, croissants and Maurice Chevalier...
The complexity of the remote control for this device baffles him - it apparently has a baffling array of controls. He then lists nine controls and states: That’s a lot of control for one remote. Has he even seen a modern television or DVD player remote?
When I was describing the various functions on the remote to The Blonde Accountant later at home, she immediately turned into a young Joan Rivers — before all the plastic surgery, of course — and did several minutes of salty and extremely funny jokes, none of which are printable here.
Rats - they would have been the first funny jokes printed in the entire history of Outta Leftfield.
It appears that the Intelliseat, while good for a few laughs, does not appear to be in my future, though. Besides, for this product to really “have my name written all over it,” it would also have to be able to report the baseball scores to me.
Wait a minute - he is a baseball fan or something? We end on a baffling note:
So I’m going to remain hopelessly old-fashioned in this area. While conducting business in the foreseeable future, I’m sticking with paper — news and toilet.
Didn't he publish a post a while back about how Montgomery Newspapers was going to be breaking new ground in online news technology? Unless he means using his own newspaper as tiolet paper. Which would be entirely appropriate.
Wednesday, July 27, 2011
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
The Return! ... to a Lame Concert Review
Monday, July 18, 2011
Happy together . . . and forever after
This will be the 3rd (third) piece Borsch has oozed out regarding a single oldies concert he went to.
Before I dive into it, though, I wanted to thank "Anonymous" for asking about my unusual lull in posts. The answer: Borsch has been so boring of late that I couldn't even think of anything to say about his articles. More about this later.
My folks had quite a record collection when I was a kid in 1960s. Much if it was hip for its time — The Beatles, The Beach Boys, Elvis and the like. Mostly though, they seemed to favor music that featured harmonies.
Now I'm no musical scholar, but... doesn't "music that featured harmonies" cover a pretty broad range?
One album I absolutely wore out as a kid was “Insight Out” by The Association. It featured two wonderful songs and big hits — “Windy,” which reached No. 1 in 1967 and “Never My Love,” which climbed to No. 2 that same year.
Boring background details established? Check. Now, I'm sure, we can jump into the gut-busting comedy.
The Association was part of the 2011 Happy Together Tour that stopped at the Keswick Theater last week; I was thrilled to get a chance to hear a band that I so fondly remembered from my youth.
... any second now.
There are three current members of The Association who performed on the “Insight Out” album: Larry Ramos, Russ Giguere and Jim Yester. They are pictured as young men on the album cover.
I had interviewed Larry Ramos to preview the Keswick show and got quite a kick listening to him talk about the music of the 1960s.
See what I mean? This has been the kind of stuff he's produced over the past few weeks. Dull tales about interviewing old musicians. And don't get me wrong, I like The Association - I have "Never My Love" on my iPod. But this is terrible. How could he miss the opportunity for a pun on the name "Yester" - "Seeing Yester Brings Back Memories of Yesteryear," for example?
The copy of “Insight Out” that my folks had is long gone, but I found another original copy of the album at a record store in Chestnut Hill a few weeks before the show. I was hoping to get a chance to meet The Association guys and have them sign my album.
Come on, he can't even say something like, "I really wanted to associate with The Association"? Not even making an attempt anymore!
Fortunately, I got to do just that. But it almost didn’t happen.
Ah - suspense, thy name is Borsch.
I shared the Happy Together concert with Older Daughter, which was lucky for me. She was riding shotgun during the autograph-getting portion after the show. I had already secured the signatures of Giguere and Yester on the album cover when Ramos came out for the meet-and-greet. I was so excited to meet him that I forgot to ask him to sign the album. I’m getting older, too, I guess.
This story loses some of its punch when we already know that he will eventually get the signature. If Borsch made "The 6th Sense," he would have included a little disclaimer at the beginning: "You might think Bruce Willis is still alive during some parts of this movie. However, he's actually a ghost. Now, here's the story!"
“Dad, the album!” said Older Daughter, saving the day. The picture that accompanies this item shows Ramos completing the Association autograph trifecta for me.
My daughter, whose big-deal music group is N’SYNC, was familiar with only a few of the songs from the Happy Together show, which also included appearances by The Buckinghams (“Kind of a Drag”); The Grass Roots (“Midnight Confessions”); Mark Lindsay of Paul Revere and the Raiders (“Kicks”); and The Turtles (“Happy Together”).
Again, I'll refer to how Borsch describes himself on his own Twitter account - "Humor columnist dealing with life's little stupidities." Just be honest, sir. That's all I ask.
In addition to meeting the guys from The Association, we also got to meet Carl Giammarese of the Buckinghams and Howard Kaylan of The Turtles and get their signatures.
When I introduced Kaylan to Older Daughter, he said, “You should thank your father for introducing you to good music.”
Is this the joke? I think this is as close to a joke as we're going to get.
With all due respect to N’SYNC, Kaylan is right. There was some great, great music in the 1960s. Older Daughter and I enjoyed seeing all those talented musicians whose songs have stayed with me all these years.
You might say we were happy together.
Pah! This post began and ended on such a saccharine note I think it gave me diabetes. "Happy together... and forever after" sounds like the tagline of some drippy romantic comedy, not how you'd describe an outing with your adult daughter. And are we to believe that seeing this concert - just like keeping score during that Phillies game - will be one of those moments his daughter will relate to her grandchildren years from now?
Please also note - celebrities signing autographs and taking pictures with fans was a featured theme in this post, although he didn't rave about it as he usually does.
Labels: Keswick Theater, Mike Morsch, Montomgery Newspapers, Outta Leftfield, The Association, The Buckinghams, The Turtles
Happy together . . . and forever after
This will be the 3rd (third) piece Borsch has oozed out regarding a single oldies concert he went to.
Before I dive into it, though, I wanted to thank "Anonymous" for asking about my unusual lull in posts. The answer: Borsch has been so boring of late that I couldn't even think of anything to say about his articles. More about this later.
My folks had quite a record collection when I was a kid in 1960s. Much if it was hip for its time — The Beatles, The Beach Boys, Elvis and the like. Mostly though, they seemed to favor music that featured harmonies.
Now I'm no musical scholar, but... doesn't "music that featured harmonies" cover a pretty broad range?
One album I absolutely wore out as a kid was “Insight Out” by The Association. It featured two wonderful songs and big hits — “Windy,” which reached No. 1 in 1967 and “Never My Love,” which climbed to No. 2 that same year.
Boring background details established? Check. Now, I'm sure, we can jump into the gut-busting comedy.
The Association was part of the 2011 Happy Together Tour that stopped at the Keswick Theater last week; I was thrilled to get a chance to hear a band that I so fondly remembered from my youth.
... any second now.
There are three current members of The Association who performed on the “Insight Out” album: Larry Ramos, Russ Giguere and Jim Yester. They are pictured as young men on the album cover.
I had interviewed Larry Ramos to preview the Keswick show and got quite a kick listening to him talk about the music of the 1960s.
See what I mean? This has been the kind of stuff he's produced over the past few weeks. Dull tales about interviewing old musicians. And don't get me wrong, I like The Association - I have "Never My Love" on my iPod. But this is terrible. How could he miss the opportunity for a pun on the name "Yester" - "Seeing Yester Brings Back Memories of Yesteryear," for example?
The copy of “Insight Out” that my folks had is long gone, but I found another original copy of the album at a record store in Chestnut Hill a few weeks before the show. I was hoping to get a chance to meet The Association guys and have them sign my album.
Come on, he can't even say something like, "I really wanted to associate with The Association"? Not even making an attempt anymore!
Fortunately, I got to do just that. But it almost didn’t happen.
Ah - suspense, thy name is Borsch.
I shared the Happy Together concert with Older Daughter, which was lucky for me. She was riding shotgun during the autograph-getting portion after the show. I had already secured the signatures of Giguere and Yester on the album cover when Ramos came out for the meet-and-greet. I was so excited to meet him that I forgot to ask him to sign the album. I’m getting older, too, I guess.
This story loses some of its punch when we already know that he will eventually get the signature. If Borsch made "The 6th Sense," he would have included a little disclaimer at the beginning: "You might think Bruce Willis is still alive during some parts of this movie. However, he's actually a ghost. Now, here's the story!"
“Dad, the album!” said Older Daughter, saving the day. The picture that accompanies this item shows Ramos completing the Association autograph trifecta for me.
My daughter, whose big-deal music group is N’SYNC, was familiar with only a few of the songs from the Happy Together show, which also included appearances by The Buckinghams (“Kind of a Drag”); The Grass Roots (“Midnight Confessions”); Mark Lindsay of Paul Revere and the Raiders (“Kicks”); and The Turtles (“Happy Together”).
Again, I'll refer to how Borsch describes himself on his own Twitter account - "Humor columnist dealing with life's little stupidities." Just be honest, sir. That's all I ask.
In addition to meeting the guys from The Association, we also got to meet Carl Giammarese of the Buckinghams and Howard Kaylan of The Turtles and get their signatures.
When I introduced Kaylan to Older Daughter, he said, “You should thank your father for introducing you to good music.”
Is this the joke? I think this is as close to a joke as we're going to get.
With all due respect to N’SYNC, Kaylan is right. There was some great, great music in the 1960s. Older Daughter and I enjoyed seeing all those talented musicians whose songs have stayed with me all these years.
You might say we were happy together.
Pah! This post began and ended on such a saccharine note I think it gave me diabetes. "Happy together... and forever after" sounds like the tagline of some drippy romantic comedy, not how you'd describe an outing with your adult daughter. And are we to believe that seeing this concert - just like keeping score during that Phillies game - will be one of those moments his daughter will relate to her grandchildren years from now?
Please also note - celebrities signing autographs and taking pictures with fans was a featured theme in this post, although he didn't rave about it as he usually does.
Labels: Keswick Theater, Mike Morsch, Montomgery Newspapers, Outta Leftfield, The Association, The Buckinghams, The Turtles
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
