OUTTA LEFTFIELD: Lowering the 'boomstick' on hotdogs, Texas-style
Published: Wednesday, March 28, 2012
By Mike Morsch
Executive Editor
Hot dogs. I find it admirable that he STILL finds ways to break new ground.
Opening Day is just around the corner and that smell you smell is what the French Canadians — who once had a baseball team in Montreal — used to call Odeur de Hotdog.
Good lord, could he have found a more round-about way to introduce his topic?
I couldn’t find the French word for “hotdog,” but I didn’t search the Internet far and wide because, well, it’s a hotdog and I don’t really care what it’s called in other languages as long as there is mustard within arm’s reach.
Mustard! Be careful there, Borsch - don't HILARIOUSLY spill any of that on your shirt!
Besides, Montreal lost its baseball franchise to Washington, D.C., some years ago, and Nationals officials are trying a new marketing approach this season by prohibiting us Phillies fans from buying tickets to their ballpark and eating all their hotdogs. But that’s an issue for another time.
May I ask a question - how do these two facts relate to each other? (1) Montreal's baseball team went to Washington, and (2) Washington doesn't want as many Phillies fans in their stadium. The way he presents it, both are part of one central "issue."
With the start of a new baseball season, however, hotdogs will again be in the conversation.
This isn't how the word "however" works. Usually it sets up a contrast: "I usually hate sports; however, I enjoyed that hockey game." You can't write, "People speak French in Montreal. However, we can now talk about hotdogs." By the way, isn't "hot dogs" actually two words?
Dollar Dog Night has been a regular promotion at Citizens Bank Park for a while now and as has been reported in this space over the years, Phillies team officials usually want to know in advance when I’m coming to the ballpark so they can order an extra truckload of wieners for the game.
Because he's FAT! Get it? This is why he's got his own published humor column, folks.
Not to be outdone, though, are the good folks in Texas. We all know that — blah, blah, blah — everything is bigger in Texas — blah, blah, blah — for the Y’all and Ma’am Crowd and — blah, blah, blah.
I would like to know what the "blah blah blah" parts represent. Really, isn't the saying just that "everything is bigger in Texas"? Am I missing some other part of the phrase?
All we here in Philly know was that the Texas Rangers didn’t have enough gallons full of $100 bills in their 10-gallon hats to keep Cliff Lee in a Rangers uniform and he ended up back in Phillies pinstripes.
I laughed out loud when I read this sentence. It is maybe the worst collection of English words I have ever seen. Gallons full of $100 bills? I didn't know you could "fill" a gallon with something. Isn't a gallon what fills something else? The best part is, Borsch probably thought this was soooooo clever.
Still, Texas’ need to be bigger and better at everything has reached the ballpark concession stand. According to a wire service story,
Lamentably I was unable to find the exact story that Borsch copied the remaining 70% of his column from. However, every single article I spotted featured the "everything's bigger in Texas" cliche that Borsch passed off above.
the Rangers this season are offering their own culinary heart attack — a two-foot-long, one-pound, gourmet hot dog that feeds three to four people and costs $26. It’s as big as one of the mini-baseball bats one can buy at the ballpark, for less than the price of the hotdog, I might add.
Can "culinary heart attack" be a Borsch original? I doubt it.
Of course, I admire that kind of effort in the name of hotdog competition, although some of the accoutrements that accompany this story are a little iffy. For example, ballpark chef Cristobal Vasquez has created the monstrosity that includes a Coney Island-style wiener, topped with shredded cheese, chili and sautéed onions. It’s served on a bun that according to team officials is made of “exotic bread flown in from France.”
Can "accoutrements" really accompany a story?
The fact that ballparks actually have something called a “ballpark chef” on the payroll is slightly disconcerting, although that fact wouldn’t prevent me from trying to scrape together $26 (parking at Citizens Bank Park is only $15, by the way) and tackle this bad boy hotdog.
What is "disconcerting" about that? He's disturbed or upset by the fact that a chef works there? I'd be reassured, knowing that the food would be of high quality. But I'm not a "professional" writer.
No less than a hotdog authority like Rangers team president Nolan Ryan — yes, that Nolan Ryan, baseball hall-of-fame pitcher and owner of seven no-hitters during his playing days — calls it a “wild dog.”
Oh, THAT Nolan Ryan? Come on - if people know who Cliff Lee is, it's a pretty safe bet they'll know who Nolan Ryan is without the condescending dashed-off aside.
“It has to be a tremendous wiener,” Ryan said in the wire service story. “And then we’re getting some kind of exotic bread flown in from France. I don’t know what kind of condiments you put on that. But I do want to look at it.”
I'm sorry, but didn't Borsch just say that the bread "is made of 'exotic bread flown in from France'"? Is Ryan the "team official" cited above? Did he forget that he had already used that quote in his column?
I’d love to see the team’s beat writers ask Phillies General Manager Ruben Amaro Jr. to comment on the state of the hotdogs for this coming season. Given his penchant for wheeling and dealing, it wouldn’t surprise me in the least to learn that Amaro has already had preliminary discussions with the Rangers to trade for the monster hot dog.
So in the same paragraph we go from "hotdog" to "hot dog." Consistency! Also, Amaro would never be interested in this hot dog - it's too young to be on the roster here in Philly.
The only snafu for the Rangers is what to call the hotdog.
Now it's "hotdog" again. Consistency!
At this point, it’s going to depend on where the Texas fans purchase the hotdog. If they eat at the Captain Morgan Club at the ballpark — sigh, do we really need to sell naming rights to each piece of the ballpark? If so, I’d like to put in a bid to have my name on the latrines —
Poop joke! Classy.
the big weenie is called a “Champion Dog.” If fans purchase it at the concession stands throughout the ballpark, it will be known as “The Boomstick.” (That’s apparently a nod to Nelson Cruz, the Rangers’ big thumper, who when he hits a home run, fans call it “lowering the boomstick.”)
That sounds retarded: "Nelzon Cruz... who when he hits a home run, fans call it..." Terrible writing. TERRIBLE. Borsch is also uncharacteristically passing up many, many chances to make a penis joke.
When a team can’t get the name of its hotdogs straight, well, we all know that only decreases its chances of making it to the World Series.
Get out the mustard, let’s play ball already.
The Rangers went to the World Series the past two years in a row. The Phillies haven't sniffed the WS during that span. What, again, is the connection between hot dogs and the post-season?
I suspect this won't be the last baseball/hot dog/mustard story we'll get this season. Prepare yourselves, folks!
Thursday, March 29, 2012
Wednesday, March 21, 2012
Lies, Lies, Lies
Mike Morsch @mmorsch35
Spent 2 1/2 hours pushing stories on social media and engaging audience. Wasn't that long ago bosses didn't want us online during work day.
Posted at 5:30 PM yesterday. Wow! Sounds like Borsch is jumping right into the digital age! Although I'd question exactly what "audience" (his 5 readers?) he is "engaging" (nauseating?), I'll take his word for it...
...or will I???
At 4:53 PM, he posted the following in response to some guy's tweet about Roy Halladay:
Mike Morsch @mmorsch35
@Plesac19 That's the way we felt about Doc in Philly last year before Game 5 of the NLDS. It didn't work out for us.
Engaging the audience... with baseball! At 4:30 PM he posted this:
Mike Morsch @mmorsch35
Seems to me that the obvious choice to play second base in Chase #Utley's absence is Cliff #Lee. Even when he's pitching.
Crackin' baseball jokes! Hilarious. And, apparently, engaging for his vast audience. Now get this exchange - and keep in mind, he's spent "2 1/2 hours" today "pushing stories on social media."
Jessica Quiroli @heelsonthefield
Brandon Laird and George Kontos among those sent to the minors. #Yankees
Mike Morsch @mmorsch35 (3:33 PM)
@heelsonthefield I did a story on Kontos a few years ago when he was in Trenton. Then he got traded. When did he comes back to the Yanks?
"When did he comes." Nice.
Jessica Quiroli @heelsonthefield
@mmorsch35 The Yankees also called him up in September.
Mike Morsch @mmorsch35 (3:44 PM)
@heelsonthefield I thought he went to the Pirates in the deal the Yanks made for the oft-injured rightfielder (can't remember his name).
Jessica Quiroli @heelsonthefield
@mmorsch35 In the Burnett trade?
Mike Morsch @mmorsch35 (4:04 PM)
@heelsonthefield BTW, here's my latest on "The Rotation" by Salisbury and Zolecki: http://bit.ly/GDYwRD
Mike Morsch @mmorsch35 (4:04 PM)
@heelsonthefield No, in the Xavier Nady trade from a few years back. I thought George was part of that deal.
Stories Pushed On Social Media: 1
Time Spent Bullshitting On Twitter About Baseball: 1 hour, 10 minutes
But wait! At 3:46 and 3:48 PM, he "pushed" his fascinating story about "The Rotation" (by Todd Zolecki and Jim Salisbury) to two different people! ...Too bad those two people were, in fact, authors Todd Zolecki and Jim Salisbury.
At this rate he might reach, like seven people in those 2 1/2 hours - and he might just get to the bottom of that George Kontos mystery, too!
I'm sure the bosses are pleased with that time management.
Spent 2 1/2 hours pushing stories on social media and engaging audience. Wasn't that long ago bosses didn't want us online during work day.
Posted at 5:30 PM yesterday. Wow! Sounds like Borsch is jumping right into the digital age! Although I'd question exactly what "audience" (his 5 readers?) he is "engaging" (nauseating?), I'll take his word for it...
...or will I???
At 4:53 PM, he posted the following in response to some guy's tweet about Roy Halladay:
Mike Morsch @mmorsch35
@Plesac19 That's the way we felt about Doc in Philly last year before Game 5 of the NLDS. It didn't work out for us.
Engaging the audience... with baseball! At 4:30 PM he posted this:
Mike Morsch @mmorsch35
Seems to me that the obvious choice to play second base in Chase #Utley's absence is Cliff #Lee. Even when he's pitching.
Crackin' baseball jokes! Hilarious. And, apparently, engaging for his vast audience. Now get this exchange - and keep in mind, he's spent "2 1/2 hours" today "pushing stories on social media."
Jessica Quiroli @heelsonthefield
Brandon Laird and George Kontos among those sent to the minors. #Yankees
Mike Morsch @mmorsch35 (3:33 PM)
@heelsonthefield I did a story on Kontos a few years ago when he was in Trenton. Then he got traded. When did he comes back to the Yanks?
"When did he comes." Nice.
Jessica Quiroli @heelsonthefield
@mmorsch35 The Yankees also called him up in September.
Mike Morsch @mmorsch35 (3:44 PM)
@heelsonthefield I thought he went to the Pirates in the deal the Yanks made for the oft-injured rightfielder (can't remember his name).
Jessica Quiroli @heelsonthefield
@mmorsch35 In the Burnett trade?
Mike Morsch @mmorsch35 (4:04 PM)
@heelsonthefield BTW, here's my latest on "The Rotation" by Salisbury and Zolecki: http://bit.ly/GDYwRD
Mike Morsch @mmorsch35 (4:04 PM)
@heelsonthefield No, in the Xavier Nady trade from a few years back. I thought George was part of that deal.
Stories Pushed On Social Media: 1
Time Spent Bullshitting On Twitter About Baseball: 1 hour, 10 minutes
But wait! At 3:46 and 3:48 PM, he "pushed" his fascinating story about "The Rotation" (by Todd Zolecki and Jim Salisbury) to two different people! ...Too bad those two people were, in fact, authors Todd Zolecki and Jim Salisbury.
At this rate he might reach, like seven people in those 2 1/2 hours - and he might just get to the bottom of that George Kontos mystery, too!
I'm sure the bosses are pleased with that time management.
Tuesday, March 13, 2012
Hawaii(an) x 27
OUTTA LEFTFIELD: Flower show short on Hawaiian shirts, ‘Five-0’ music (VIDEO)
Published: Tuesday, March 13, 2012
By Mike Morsch
Executive Editor
Remember the days when I thought Borsch had lost it and I could retire in peace? They seem like so long ago...
My tickets have arrived for the Beach Boys, whose 50th anniversary tour is stopping in Camden in June. And it goes without saying that I need a new Hawaiian shirt to wear to the concert.
For the love of God, STOP TALKING ABOUT THE BEACH BOYS. Hall and Oates will get jealous!
As has been detailed in this space over the years, I used to be quite a fashion plate with my collection of Hawaiian shirts. Unfortunately, The Blonde Accountant is not too keen on Hawaiian shirts. But she married me anyway, and then began a systematic Mike Makeover that resulted in all the Hawaiian shirts being purged from my closet, never to return. Or so she thinks.
Know what else has been "detailed in this space" time and time again? How he has terrible fashion sense and his wife disapproves of it. Can we hope for a Chuck Taylors reference just to sweeten the pot?
But with the Beach Boys getting back together, the time is perfect to start rebuilding my Hawaiian shirt collection. However, we should probably keep this between us, because I wouldn’t want The Blonde Accountant to find out and scuttle my plans before I even get a chance to do some advanced scouting on the Hawaiian shirts.
Just for the record, his past four sentences have started with the following words: "But," "or," "but," and "however." You think this would indicate some alteration in the "wife hates his Hawaiian shirts" scenario - and you'd be wrong. He likes said shirts - but she got rid of them. Or not! But he's buying more. However, don't tell her. Borsch continues to use the (baseball) term "advanced scouting" when I'm pretty sure it's "advance scouting."
The first opportunity for some of that advanced scouting happened last week at the 2012 Philadelphia International Flower Show. This year’s theme was “Hawaii: Islands of Aloha.”
Too bad the Phillies’ Shane Victorino — a native Hawaiian — wasn’t able to attend the flower show because of his spring training commitment in Clearwater, Fla. He surely would have been named Flower Show Grand Poohbah.
Did you know that Shane Victorino is Hawaiian? Borsch does! Did you know that the show "Hawaii Five-O" was filmed on location in Hawaii? Read on to find out how often he can mention that!
Now I’ve sleepwalked through the flower show for several years, so I know the drill. It’s always pleasant enough, and I like to look at the displays for about an hour. But then the cement floor of the Pennsylvania Convention Center starts to raise seven kinds of heck with my back and knees and I get eight kinds of cranky.
From a March 2, 2010 article: "The only problem I ever have at the flower show is that the cement floor of the convention center plays seven kinds of hooey with my knees." If he can somehow mention hot dogs and spilling things, we'll have just about every Borsch cliche in the book!
The Hawaii theme this year, though, offered me some hope. I know from dragging my sorry hind end to past shows that there is a whole section of vendors at the flower show. I figured since everything was Hawaii-themed this year, there had to be at least one Hawaiian-shirt vendor in the house.
Not only that, but I figured the theme was sure to encourage other like-minded mopes to break out the Hawaiian shirts and dust them off for the first time this spring.
"Like-minded mopes"? Does wanting to wear a Hawaiian shirt qualify you as a "mope"?
And I anticipated that the “Hawaii Five-0” theme song would be playing on a continuous loop, at least in the convention center men’s rooms.
... Since only men like "Hawaii Five-O." I guess.
Well, that was wrong. On all accounts.
The phrase is not "on all accounts," it's "on all counts." Can we get an "irregardless," maybe?
Not only wasn’t there a vendor selling Hawaiian shirts — at least not one that I found — there were only about five guys in the crowd of 8 billion flower show attendees that day (we always seem to pick the most crowded day every year to go to this thing) wearing Hawaiian shirts. And I didn’t hear one “Book ’em Dano!” all day.
Perhaps people aren't as ignorant about Hawaii as you are, you know? Maybe they appreciate the islands for their beauty and culture, not for tacky shirts and a 1970s TV show?
Apparently, I’m not the only guy in the greater Philadelphia area who has a wife who hates her husband’s Hawaiian shirts and won’t even let him wear one to a Hawaii-theme flower show that he likely didn’t want to attend in the first place. I had tried to compensate for that oversight by wearing a stylish pink and white striped shirt, despite its lack of adherence to the show’s theme.
Wouch, that "Apparently" monster was one of his worst sentences ever.
At the very least, there should have been a moratorium placed on No Hawaiian Shirts Allowed Rule that wives have obviously imposed on husbands of this area.
Shouldn't that be "a moratorium placed on THE No Hawaiian Shirts Rule"?
It’s a flower show with a Hawaiian theme for crying out loud. Hawaiian shirts should have been standard issue for all the guys.
Alright, as of this second I'm going to tally every time the word "Hawaii" or "Hawaiian" is used here. He's probably already over ten. [Editor's Note: He was already over twenty]
The closest thing I could find to anything Hawaiian that I wanted to purchase was called a Good Luck Bamboo Pot. While standing at that vendor’s booth perusing the pots and wondering if buying one would bring me better luck in finding a new Hawaiian shirt, a woman standing next to me picked up another plant and shook it in my face.
Uh-oh, get ready for a ZANY exchange! Will he use "countered" where it's not appropriate?
“Do you know what this is!” she shouted at me, like she knew at my age I was beginning to get a little hard of hearing.
Usually you use a question mark when someone is asking a question, don't you?
“No, I don’t,” I said.
“Well, don’t you work here?” she asked.
“No ma’am,” I said.
“But you have on such a nice shirt,” she said. “I thought you worked here.”
Wow, given his usual propensity to use "replied slyly" and "demanded angrily," this "asked" and "said" exchange is practically Hemingway-esque.
See, that makes no sense to me at all. Had I been appropriately attired in a Hawaiian shirt, then the woman could have conceivably assumed that I just might be working at the show.
Witnessing the whole exchange, The Blonde Accountant had a smirk that suggested, “Hey, if I would have let you wear a Hawaiian shirt to this thing, then you would have had to figure out a way to sell that woman that plant.”
What? Someone assumed he worked there WITHOUT a Hawaiian shirt. If he wore the shirt, would he be REQUIRED to work there? Is that what's implied? This really doesn't make much sense.
Ahhh, phooey.
The flower show did offer one respite for the Cro-Magnon-inclined — a Man Cave. It’s a dandy concept by the flower show brain trust to accommodate the husbands who get dragged along to the event. And although this Man Cave featured big screen TVs, cold adult beverages, craps and blackjack tables and attractive women in short skirts, I would suggest at least one change for next year: A real Man Cave wouldn’t allow wives and children inside its man-friendly confines.
I've read this paragraph several times now, and I keep asking myself the same question: is it supposed to be funny? "Du-huh, guys are cavemen who like sports and booze." Really?
And next year, if a guy comes into the Man Cave wearing a Hawaiian shirt, he drinks free for the duration of his flower show stint.
Cue the “Hawaii Five-0” theme music for heaven’s sake.
For the record, that was twenty-seven uses of "Hawaii" or "Hawaiian."
Published: Tuesday, March 13, 2012
By Mike Morsch
Executive Editor
Remember the days when I thought Borsch had lost it and I could retire in peace? They seem like so long ago...
My tickets have arrived for the Beach Boys, whose 50th anniversary tour is stopping in Camden in June. And it goes without saying that I need a new Hawaiian shirt to wear to the concert.
For the love of God, STOP TALKING ABOUT THE BEACH BOYS. Hall and Oates will get jealous!
As has been detailed in this space over the years, I used to be quite a fashion plate with my collection of Hawaiian shirts. Unfortunately, The Blonde Accountant is not too keen on Hawaiian shirts. But she married me anyway, and then began a systematic Mike Makeover that resulted in all the Hawaiian shirts being purged from my closet, never to return. Or so she thinks.
Know what else has been "detailed in this space" time and time again? How he has terrible fashion sense and his wife disapproves of it. Can we hope for a Chuck Taylors reference just to sweeten the pot?
But with the Beach Boys getting back together, the time is perfect to start rebuilding my Hawaiian shirt collection. However, we should probably keep this between us, because I wouldn’t want The Blonde Accountant to find out and scuttle my plans before I even get a chance to do some advanced scouting on the Hawaiian shirts.
Just for the record, his past four sentences have started with the following words: "But," "or," "but," and "however." You think this would indicate some alteration in the "wife hates his Hawaiian shirts" scenario - and you'd be wrong. He likes said shirts - but she got rid of them. Or not! But he's buying more. However, don't tell her. Borsch continues to use the (baseball) term "advanced scouting" when I'm pretty sure it's "advance scouting."
The first opportunity for some of that advanced scouting happened last week at the 2012 Philadelphia International Flower Show. This year’s theme was “Hawaii: Islands of Aloha.”
Too bad the Phillies’ Shane Victorino — a native Hawaiian — wasn’t able to attend the flower show because of his spring training commitment in Clearwater, Fla. He surely would have been named Flower Show Grand Poohbah.
Did you know that Shane Victorino is Hawaiian? Borsch does! Did you know that the show "Hawaii Five-O" was filmed on location in Hawaii? Read on to find out how often he can mention that!
Now I’ve sleepwalked through the flower show for several years, so I know the drill. It’s always pleasant enough, and I like to look at the displays for about an hour. But then the cement floor of the Pennsylvania Convention Center starts to raise seven kinds of heck with my back and knees and I get eight kinds of cranky.
From a March 2, 2010 article: "The only problem I ever have at the flower show is that the cement floor of the convention center plays seven kinds of hooey with my knees." If he can somehow mention hot dogs and spilling things, we'll have just about every Borsch cliche in the book!
The Hawaii theme this year, though, offered me some hope. I know from dragging my sorry hind end to past shows that there is a whole section of vendors at the flower show. I figured since everything was Hawaii-themed this year, there had to be at least one Hawaiian-shirt vendor in the house.
Not only that, but I figured the theme was sure to encourage other like-minded mopes to break out the Hawaiian shirts and dust them off for the first time this spring.
"Like-minded mopes"? Does wanting to wear a Hawaiian shirt qualify you as a "mope"?
And I anticipated that the “Hawaii Five-0” theme song would be playing on a continuous loop, at least in the convention center men’s rooms.
... Since only men like "Hawaii Five-O." I guess.
Well, that was wrong. On all accounts.
The phrase is not "on all accounts," it's "on all counts." Can we get an "irregardless," maybe?
Not only wasn’t there a vendor selling Hawaiian shirts — at least not one that I found — there were only about five guys in the crowd of 8 billion flower show attendees that day (we always seem to pick the most crowded day every year to go to this thing) wearing Hawaiian shirts. And I didn’t hear one “Book ’em Dano!” all day.
Perhaps people aren't as ignorant about Hawaii as you are, you know? Maybe they appreciate the islands for their beauty and culture, not for tacky shirts and a 1970s TV show?
Apparently, I’m not the only guy in the greater Philadelphia area who has a wife who hates her husband’s Hawaiian shirts and won’t even let him wear one to a Hawaii-theme flower show that he likely didn’t want to attend in the first place. I had tried to compensate for that oversight by wearing a stylish pink and white striped shirt, despite its lack of adherence to the show’s theme.
Wouch, that "Apparently" monster was one of his worst sentences ever.
At the very least, there should have been a moratorium placed on No Hawaiian Shirts Allowed Rule that wives have obviously imposed on husbands of this area.
Shouldn't that be "a moratorium placed on THE No Hawaiian Shirts Rule"?
It’s a flower show with a Hawaiian theme for crying out loud. Hawaiian shirts should have been standard issue for all the guys.
Alright, as of this second I'm going to tally every time the word "Hawaii" or "Hawaiian" is used here. He's probably already over ten. [Editor's Note: He was already over twenty]
The closest thing I could find to anything Hawaiian that I wanted to purchase was called a Good Luck Bamboo Pot. While standing at that vendor’s booth perusing the pots and wondering if buying one would bring me better luck in finding a new Hawaiian shirt, a woman standing next to me picked up another plant and shook it in my face.
Uh-oh, get ready for a ZANY exchange! Will he use "countered" where it's not appropriate?
“Do you know what this is!” she shouted at me, like she knew at my age I was beginning to get a little hard of hearing.
Usually you use a question mark when someone is asking a question, don't you?
“No, I don’t,” I said.
“Well, don’t you work here?” she asked.
“No ma’am,” I said.
“But you have on such a nice shirt,” she said. “I thought you worked here.”
Wow, given his usual propensity to use "replied slyly" and "demanded angrily," this "asked" and "said" exchange is practically Hemingway-esque.
See, that makes no sense to me at all. Had I been appropriately attired in a Hawaiian shirt, then the woman could have conceivably assumed that I just might be working at the show.
Witnessing the whole exchange, The Blonde Accountant had a smirk that suggested, “Hey, if I would have let you wear a Hawaiian shirt to this thing, then you would have had to figure out a way to sell that woman that plant.”
What? Someone assumed he worked there WITHOUT a Hawaiian shirt. If he wore the shirt, would he be REQUIRED to work there? Is that what's implied? This really doesn't make much sense.
Ahhh, phooey.
The flower show did offer one respite for the Cro-Magnon-inclined — a Man Cave. It’s a dandy concept by the flower show brain trust to accommodate the husbands who get dragged along to the event. And although this Man Cave featured big screen TVs, cold adult beverages, craps and blackjack tables and attractive women in short skirts, I would suggest at least one change for next year: A real Man Cave wouldn’t allow wives and children inside its man-friendly confines.
I've read this paragraph several times now, and I keep asking myself the same question: is it supposed to be funny? "Du-huh, guys are cavemen who like sports and booze." Really?
And next year, if a guy comes into the Man Cave wearing a Hawaiian shirt, he drinks free for the duration of his flower show stint.
Cue the “Hawaii Five-0” theme music for heaven’s sake.
For the record, that was twenty-seven uses of "Hawaii" or "Hawaiian."
Monday, March 12, 2012
Borsch Discusses Food... Again
Outta Leftfield: Asparagus rules — or not — on the Rubber Chicken Circuit
Published: Thursday, March 01, 2012
By Mike Morsch
Executive Editor
I actually missed this one when it was first released (to overwhelming critical acclaim, no doubt) due to a bad link on Borsch's Twitter. Thankfully, reader "Anonymous" put me back on the trail. Right off the bat, I'm going to predict at least one "smelly urine" joke in this column.
Apparently I am in the minority when it comes to asparagus. In technical terms, I consider it “blechie,” a view not shared by the majority of my friends.
See, where I come from, we don’t have a lot of banquets. It’s not that we don’t honor extraordinary people in the Midwest with a banquet.
Ooh, a reference to his Midwestern upbringing! If there's one thing that people in the Philadelphia suburbs love, it's Midwestern humor.
We do. It’s called a chili supper at the American Legion hall. And if the honoree is lucky, there will be a yee-haw band there and quite possibly a “stomp” dance contest where the winner can take home that most valuable of prizes: a $10-off coupon from the Tastee Freez.
(It should come as no surprise to know that I actually won a “stomp” dance contest at an American Legion hall in southern Iowa in 1983, although I did pull a hamstring and break three toes on my partner’s left foot in the process.)
He mentions this contest in an October 5, 2010 column:"As an adult, I did once win an American Legion dance hall contest with my first wife... We were living in a remote rural area of southern Iowa at the time..." Amazingly, he doesn't repeat the same "pull a hamstring" joke.
The name of the Tastee Freez can change from town to town in the heartland. In Peru, Ill., it’s called “The Gloo” — hickspeak for “The Igloo” — which in addition to ice cream, serves the messiest, greasiest and most wonderful cheeseburgers and tenderloin sammiches on the planet. I wonder if the greater Philadelphia region is in its delivery area?
What does this have to do with anything??? We've wandered so far down this rabbit trail that we've almost reached Watership Down.
But out here in the Northeast,
I would argue that "up here" works better than "out here" when describing the Northeast.
the Rubber Chicken Circuit is alive and well. I end up going to a lot of banquets, the most recent of which was last week and honored the retirement of Abington’s Oscar Vance, who is hanging it up after what was described in the speechifying as 112 years as Montgomery County chief of detectives. I must admit, Oscar looks to be in pretty good shape for a man of 140.
Note how Borsch attempts to steal that "Vance is old" joke from whoever originally made it at the banquet. Also, "I end up" through "detectives" is one really long, really bad sentence.
Now I know not to get my expectations up too high when it comes to banquet food. I’ve been to banquets with as many as 800 attendees (the Philadelphia Sports Writers). There were only 400 people at Oscar’s banquet. And I know it’s difficult to prepare and serve several hundred meals at a time.
We'll be getting to the funny part any second now. I can feel it.
But man, the vegetables at a banquet seem to me to be the most insufferable part of the meal. Most of the time, the meat and taters/rice are decent to relatively good (the portions are never big enough for a guy like me, but that’s another story).
Ooh, ooh, can we analyze every part of the meal in agonizingly tedious detail? We CAN? Oh joy! I like the extremely original "I'm fat" joke, too.
Carrots and string beans seem to be the most popular vegetable choices for banquets. And, I guess, asparagus falls into that category, because that’s what we were served at Oscar’s banquet.
What category? The carrots and string beans category? And because asparagus was served at one banquet it becomes one of "the most popular choices"? Note what an awkward and clumsy way that was to introduce asparagus - you know, the topic of his column that we're only getting to a third of the way in.
Asparagus — or Asparagus officinalis as it would be called in a Roadrunner cartoon —
Um... no. You see, in a Roadrunner cartoon, they make up funny fake Latin names for things. "Asparagus officinalis" is the actual Latin name for asparagus. I suspect that he obtained this information from his old friend Wikipedia.
doesn’t even sound good. But it is good for you. It’s low in calories and sodium, is a good source of vitamin B6, calcium, magnesium and zinc and serves as a dandy dietary fiber. And everybody knows just how important dandy dietary fibers are to one’s disposition.
Yep! Per Wikipedia: "Asparagus is low in calories and is very low in sodium. It is a good source of vitamin B6, calcium, magnesium and zinc, and a very good source of dietary fiber." Come on, Borsch. That was a blatant one.
I should probably eat more asparagus, but I just can’t stomach it. I feel the same way about asparagus that President George H.W. Bush feels about broccoli and first lady Michelle Obama feels about beets. Yuck. Patooey.
He used the term "can't stomach it" and passed up another opportunity to make a fat joke about himself? I'm shocked.
But I assumed I was in the majority opinion about asparagus. Taking the issue to experts on Facebook, I commented that I thought three out of every four people didn’t like asparagus. I based my opinion on that most scientific theory: The Yuck Factor.
His four Facebook friends are an unending source of inspiration.
Turns out many of my friends are asparagus eaters. One called it “the Rolls Royce choice for green vegetables at a banquet.” And I believe that’s the first time I’ve ever seen the words “Rolls Royce” and “asparagus” in the same sentence. A cousin suggested that possibly asparagus would be more appealing to me if it were prepared differently: “Maybe balsamic marinated as a salad-like side dish would fit your fancy better.”
Uh, no thanks, cuz.
"Cuz"? Is he an Italian sports radio host now?
My informal and limited poll
"Informal and limited" could basically sum up his entire career.
generated six asparagus supporters and two who sided with me. That certainly blew my three-out-of-every-four-people-hate-asparagus theory, but it did prove once and for all that Facebook is a valuable social tool when discussing the important issues of the day.
He used this same "important issues of the day" joke about Oreos, too.
I can only imagine how much social engagement I could muster on Facebook if I started a thread about rubber chickens.
Do you really "start a thread" on Facebook?
What a good ending! I would point out that "rubber chicken circuit" is more a comment on the consistency of the chicken than a reference to actual rubber chickens, but I'm not a nit-picker like that.
This was a really bad column (does that go without saying, at this point?). We start out with an awkward side-story about dance contests in Iowa, blunder into how he doesn't like asparagus but other people do, and end with a "joke" about rubber chickens that makes little-to-no sense. Never mind the fact that Borsch is never funny - he's not even coherent!
Published: Thursday, March 01, 2012
By Mike Morsch
Executive Editor
I actually missed this one when it was first released (to overwhelming critical acclaim, no doubt) due to a bad link on Borsch's Twitter. Thankfully, reader "Anonymous" put me back on the trail. Right off the bat, I'm going to predict at least one "smelly urine" joke in this column.
Apparently I am in the minority when it comes to asparagus. In technical terms, I consider it “blechie,” a view not shared by the majority of my friends.
See, where I come from, we don’t have a lot of banquets. It’s not that we don’t honor extraordinary people in the Midwest with a banquet.
Ooh, a reference to his Midwestern upbringing! If there's one thing that people in the Philadelphia suburbs love, it's Midwestern humor.
We do. It’s called a chili supper at the American Legion hall. And if the honoree is lucky, there will be a yee-haw band there and quite possibly a “stomp” dance contest where the winner can take home that most valuable of prizes: a $10-off coupon from the Tastee Freez.
(It should come as no surprise to know that I actually won a “stomp” dance contest at an American Legion hall in southern Iowa in 1983, although I did pull a hamstring and break three toes on my partner’s left foot in the process.)
He mentions this contest in an October 5, 2010 column:"As an adult, I did once win an American Legion dance hall contest with my first wife... We were living in a remote rural area of southern Iowa at the time..." Amazingly, he doesn't repeat the same "pull a hamstring" joke.
The name of the Tastee Freez can change from town to town in the heartland. In Peru, Ill., it’s called “The Gloo” — hickspeak for “The Igloo” — which in addition to ice cream, serves the messiest, greasiest and most wonderful cheeseburgers and tenderloin sammiches on the planet. I wonder if the greater Philadelphia region is in its delivery area?
What does this have to do with anything??? We've wandered so far down this rabbit trail that we've almost reached Watership Down.
But out here in the Northeast,
I would argue that "up here" works better than "out here" when describing the Northeast.
the Rubber Chicken Circuit is alive and well. I end up going to a lot of banquets, the most recent of which was last week and honored the retirement of Abington’s Oscar Vance, who is hanging it up after what was described in the speechifying as 112 years as Montgomery County chief of detectives. I must admit, Oscar looks to be in pretty good shape for a man of 140.
Note how Borsch attempts to steal that "Vance is old" joke from whoever originally made it at the banquet. Also, "I end up" through "detectives" is one really long, really bad sentence.
Now I know not to get my expectations up too high when it comes to banquet food. I’ve been to banquets with as many as 800 attendees (the Philadelphia Sports Writers). There were only 400 people at Oscar’s banquet. And I know it’s difficult to prepare and serve several hundred meals at a time.
We'll be getting to the funny part any second now. I can feel it.
But man, the vegetables at a banquet seem to me to be the most insufferable part of the meal. Most of the time, the meat and taters/rice are decent to relatively good (the portions are never big enough for a guy like me, but that’s another story).
Ooh, ooh, can we analyze every part of the meal in agonizingly tedious detail? We CAN? Oh joy! I like the extremely original "I'm fat" joke, too.
Carrots and string beans seem to be the most popular vegetable choices for banquets. And, I guess, asparagus falls into that category, because that’s what we were served at Oscar’s banquet.
What category? The carrots and string beans category? And because asparagus was served at one banquet it becomes one of "the most popular choices"? Note what an awkward and clumsy way that was to introduce asparagus - you know, the topic of his column that we're only getting to a third of the way in.
Asparagus — or Asparagus officinalis as it would be called in a Roadrunner cartoon —
Um... no. You see, in a Roadrunner cartoon, they make up funny fake Latin names for things. "Asparagus officinalis" is the actual Latin name for asparagus. I suspect that he obtained this information from his old friend Wikipedia.
doesn’t even sound good. But it is good for you. It’s low in calories and sodium, is a good source of vitamin B6, calcium, magnesium and zinc and serves as a dandy dietary fiber. And everybody knows just how important dandy dietary fibers are to one’s disposition.
Yep! Per Wikipedia: "Asparagus is low in calories and is very low in sodium. It is a good source of vitamin B6, calcium, magnesium and zinc, and a very good source of dietary fiber." Come on, Borsch. That was a blatant one.
I should probably eat more asparagus, but I just can’t stomach it. I feel the same way about asparagus that President George H.W. Bush feels about broccoli and first lady Michelle Obama feels about beets. Yuck. Patooey.
He used the term "can't stomach it" and passed up another opportunity to make a fat joke about himself? I'm shocked.
But I assumed I was in the majority opinion about asparagus. Taking the issue to experts on Facebook, I commented that I thought three out of every four people didn’t like asparagus. I based my opinion on that most scientific theory: The Yuck Factor.
His four Facebook friends are an unending source of inspiration.
Turns out many of my friends are asparagus eaters. One called it “the Rolls Royce choice for green vegetables at a banquet.” And I believe that’s the first time I’ve ever seen the words “Rolls Royce” and “asparagus” in the same sentence. A cousin suggested that possibly asparagus would be more appealing to me if it were prepared differently: “Maybe balsamic marinated as a salad-like side dish would fit your fancy better.”
Uh, no thanks, cuz.
"Cuz"? Is he an Italian sports radio host now?
My informal and limited poll
"Informal and limited" could basically sum up his entire career.
generated six asparagus supporters and two who sided with me. That certainly blew my three-out-of-every-four-people-hate-asparagus theory, but it did prove once and for all that Facebook is a valuable social tool when discussing the important issues of the day.
He used this same "important issues of the day" joke about Oreos, too.
I can only imagine how much social engagement I could muster on Facebook if I started a thread about rubber chickens.
Do you really "start a thread" on Facebook?
What a good ending! I would point out that "rubber chicken circuit" is more a comment on the consistency of the chicken than a reference to actual rubber chickens, but I'm not a nit-picker like that.
This was a really bad column (does that go without saying, at this point?). We start out with an awkward side-story about dance contests in Iowa, blunder into how he doesn't like asparagus but other people do, and end with a "joke" about rubber chickens that makes little-to-no sense. Never mind the fact that Borsch is never funny - he's not even coherent!
Wednesday, March 7, 2012
Copy-And-Paste Column
OUTTA LEFTFIELD: Milking a topic for what it’s worth: The Oreo turns 100
Published: Tuesday, March 06, 2012
By Mike Morsch
Executive Editor
I should have known.
In the interest of offering you critical information that you can utilize in your everyday life — as this space so often does, especially during the wacky political season — the Oreo celebrated its 100th birthday this week.
Long-time Borsch readers will know that this political season is only "wacky" because it's the Republican primary.
According to a wire service story,
This means he stole 90% of his content from said wire service story.
a woman by the name of Becky Tousey, corporate archivist for Kraft Foods who is apparently also known as the “Oreo historian,” revealed that the cookie has maintained the same advertising focus since its inception — that it is fun to eat.
The story (which I found) uses the phrase "maintained the same theme in its advertising over the years." This is the most effort Borsch will put into his copying from here on out. I really question whether "inception" is the proper word to use when referring to a cookie.
This, of course, raises the question: Kraft Foods actually employs someone as a “corporate archivist” and expert “Oreo historian”?
Cool. I believe I may have eaten enough Oreo cookies over the course of my lifetime to actually qualify as an “Oreo historian.” I plan to revise my resume to reflect such an accomplishment.
Did you like that "I eat a lot of Oreos" joke? I hope so. You'll be seeing it again. And again. And again.
Here are some other fun facts about the Oreo, according to the wire service story:
This is code for "the remaining 75% of the article is someone else's work."
— The cookie takes 59 minutes to make and consists of 12 flowers, 12 dots and 12 dashes on each side. Each cookie also has 90 ridges.
From the story: "The cookie, which takes 59 minutes to make, consists of 12 flowers, 12 dots and 12 dashes on each side. Each cookie has 90 ridges."
— The cookies are made of 29 percent crème and 71 percent cookie. They are produced in 21 bakeries around the world, and Kraft estimates that more than 500 billion Oreos have been sold since 1912.
You guessed it! From the story: "Oreos are made from 29 percent creme and 71 percent cookie. They are made in 21 bakeries around the world. Kraft Foods estimates that more than 500 billion Oreos have been sold since 1912." Changing punctuation = NOT copying. Kids, take note.
— I believe I am personally responsible for eating at least 1.5 billion of those Oreos, which puts me second on the All-Time Cookie Eater leader board behind, of course, the Cookie Monster. Oddly enough, I’ve never looked at them closely enough to realize that each cookie has a pattern that contains 12 flowers, 12 dots and 12 dashes. What that proves, I think, is that the cookies don’t stay in my hand long enough for me to get a good look at what’s on them.
HA! He eats large quantities of food. Funny. There's an entire, massive paragraph later based solely around this joke, but adds the fact that he drinks a lot of milk to the mix. Double HA!
— Market research reveals that 84 percent of men ate the cookies whole while 41 percent of women pulled the cookie apart.
Per the story: "...market research found that while 84 percent of men ate the cookie whole, 41 percent of women pulled the cookie apart.".
Count me among the 84 percent. I just ate a bunch last weekend and didn’t pull any of them apart. Of course, I’m pretty sure I am practicing the wrong technique there. Even though the women represent only a 41 percent minority of puller-aparters, it’s likely that we men have been doing it all wrong for the past 100 years.
What in hell is he saying here, exactly? Obviously he's doing his usual "men are stupid" thing, but does that mean that 59% of women are also stupid? Does he think that 41% of the entire population, who happen to all be women, pull the Oreo apart? If so, what happened to the 16% of men who do? Really, if Borsch ever reads this (and I know he does), I hope he explains what he was going for.
— Apparently nobody has been credited with coming up with the Oreo idea. However, Ms. Tousey, the “Oreo historian,” believes the name came from combining the “re” in “crème” and the two “o’s” in “chocolate.” I don’t mean to be critical, but that seems like a pretty thin theory for someone with the exulted title of “Oreo historian.” That cookie needs a better backstory.
Borsch says "apparently" because, per the story: "No one has been credited with coming up with the Oreo idea". Tousey's theory about the origin of the name is practically word-for-word, too.
— In 1921, the Oreo biscuit became the Oreo sandwich. In 1937, the name changed to the Oreo crème sandwich. I had no idea is was a biscuit or a sandwich and I’m still not sure why the original bakery — the National Biscuit Co. out of Manhattan — didn’t just name the cookie “The Best Dadgummed Cookie You’ll Ever Dunk in a Glass of Milk.” That certainly could have made for a better backstory if you ask me.
It's been a long time since he's used "dadgummed." And how exactly does a different name for the cookie create a "better backstory"?
— The popular cookie — its Facebook page currently has more than 25 million fans — has had five design changes and been marketed by three companies: the aforementioned National Biscuit Co., which became Nabisco, and now Kraft Foods. I remember is mostly as a Nabisco product.
"I remember is mostly"? Some executive editors didn't proofread!
According to company officials, a limited-edition Oreo with a confetti-sprinkled crème center that tastes like birthday cake has been unveiled for the 100th birthday of the cookie. Swell. Now I have to buy more cookies and milk.
Borsch does a good job of exactly repeating the wire service story again: "...a limited edition cookie with a confetti-sprinkled creme center that tastes like birthday cake."
Now, there might not be anything strictly wrong with repeating your source material word-for-word for the majority of your own column (although I doubt it). But it's further evidence that our favorite author is lazy, slipshod, and unoriginal - and unwilling to admit to it.
Given the history and popularity of the Oreo, it’s little wonder that it has lasted this long. The cookie has become part of the American fabric.
Which, of course, makes it a fitting topic for the next political debate. It’s about time our politicians started talking about something really important — like the best cookies of our time.
... What? Pathetic, sir. Truly a pathetic attempt to frame your copy-and-paste "column" within the context of the primaries (and how in the world he thinks the two topics should even be tenuously tied together is beyond me).
A reader posting under the name of "Kelly Simmons" left the following comment on Borsch's column: Yummy post! I fear for the future of the Republic.
Published: Tuesday, March 06, 2012
By Mike Morsch
Executive Editor
I should have known.
In the interest of offering you critical information that you can utilize in your everyday life — as this space so often does, especially during the wacky political season — the Oreo celebrated its 100th birthday this week.
Long-time Borsch readers will know that this political season is only "wacky" because it's the Republican primary.
According to a wire service story,
This means he stole 90% of his content from said wire service story.
a woman by the name of Becky Tousey, corporate archivist for Kraft Foods who is apparently also known as the “Oreo historian,” revealed that the cookie has maintained the same advertising focus since its inception — that it is fun to eat.
The story (which I found) uses the phrase "maintained the same theme in its advertising over the years." This is the most effort Borsch will put into his copying from here on out. I really question whether "inception" is the proper word to use when referring to a cookie.
This, of course, raises the question: Kraft Foods actually employs someone as a “corporate archivist” and expert “Oreo historian”?
Cool. I believe I may have eaten enough Oreo cookies over the course of my lifetime to actually qualify as an “Oreo historian.” I plan to revise my resume to reflect such an accomplishment.
Did you like that "I eat a lot of Oreos" joke? I hope so. You'll be seeing it again. And again. And again.
Here are some other fun facts about the Oreo, according to the wire service story:
This is code for "the remaining 75% of the article is someone else's work."
— The cookie takes 59 minutes to make and consists of 12 flowers, 12 dots and 12 dashes on each side. Each cookie also has 90 ridges.
From the story: "The cookie, which takes 59 minutes to make, consists of 12 flowers, 12 dots and 12 dashes on each side. Each cookie has 90 ridges."
— The cookies are made of 29 percent crème and 71 percent cookie. They are produced in 21 bakeries around the world, and Kraft estimates that more than 500 billion Oreos have been sold since 1912.
You guessed it! From the story: "Oreos are made from 29 percent creme and 71 percent cookie. They are made in 21 bakeries around the world. Kraft Foods estimates that more than 500 billion Oreos have been sold since 1912." Changing punctuation = NOT copying. Kids, take note.
— I believe I am personally responsible for eating at least 1.5 billion of those Oreos, which puts me second on the All-Time Cookie Eater leader board behind, of course, the Cookie Monster. Oddly enough, I’ve never looked at them closely enough to realize that each cookie has a pattern that contains 12 flowers, 12 dots and 12 dashes. What that proves, I think, is that the cookies don’t stay in my hand long enough for me to get a good look at what’s on them.
HA! He eats large quantities of food. Funny. There's an entire, massive paragraph later based solely around this joke, but adds the fact that he drinks a lot of milk to the mix. Double HA!
— Market research reveals that 84 percent of men ate the cookies whole while 41 percent of women pulled the cookie apart.
Per the story: "...market research found that while 84 percent of men ate the cookie whole, 41 percent of women pulled the cookie apart.".
Count me among the 84 percent. I just ate a bunch last weekend and didn’t pull any of them apart. Of course, I’m pretty sure I am practicing the wrong technique there. Even though the women represent only a 41 percent minority of puller-aparters, it’s likely that we men have been doing it all wrong for the past 100 years.
What in hell is he saying here, exactly? Obviously he's doing his usual "men are stupid" thing, but does that mean that 59% of women are also stupid? Does he think that 41% of the entire population, who happen to all be women, pull the Oreo apart? If so, what happened to the 16% of men who do? Really, if Borsch ever reads this (and I know he does), I hope he explains what he was going for.
— Apparently nobody has been credited with coming up with the Oreo idea. However, Ms. Tousey, the “Oreo historian,” believes the name came from combining the “re” in “crème” and the two “o’s” in “chocolate.” I don’t mean to be critical, but that seems like a pretty thin theory for someone with the exulted title of “Oreo historian.” That cookie needs a better backstory.
Borsch says "apparently" because, per the story: "No one has been credited with coming up with the Oreo idea". Tousey's theory about the origin of the name is practically word-for-word, too.
— In 1921, the Oreo biscuit became the Oreo sandwich. In 1937, the name changed to the Oreo crème sandwich. I had no idea is was a biscuit or a sandwich and I’m still not sure why the original bakery — the National Biscuit Co. out of Manhattan — didn’t just name the cookie “The Best Dadgummed Cookie You’ll Ever Dunk in a Glass of Milk.” That certainly could have made for a better backstory if you ask me.
It's been a long time since he's used "dadgummed." And how exactly does a different name for the cookie create a "better backstory"?
— The popular cookie — its Facebook page currently has more than 25 million fans — has had five design changes and been marketed by three companies: the aforementioned National Biscuit Co., which became Nabisco, and now Kraft Foods. I remember is mostly as a Nabisco product.
"I remember is mostly"? Some executive editors didn't proofread!
According to company officials, a limited-edition Oreo with a confetti-sprinkled crème center that tastes like birthday cake has been unveiled for the 100th birthday of the cookie. Swell. Now I have to buy more cookies and milk.
Borsch does a good job of exactly repeating the wire service story again: "...a limited edition cookie with a confetti-sprinkled creme center that tastes like birthday cake."
Now, there might not be anything strictly wrong with repeating your source material word-for-word for the majority of your own column (although I doubt it). But it's further evidence that our favorite author is lazy, slipshod, and unoriginal - and unwilling to admit to it.
Given the history and popularity of the Oreo, it’s little wonder that it has lasted this long. The cookie has become part of the American fabric.
Which, of course, makes it a fitting topic for the next political debate. It’s about time our politicians started talking about something really important — like the best cookies of our time.
... What? Pathetic, sir. Truly a pathetic attempt to frame your copy-and-paste "column" within the context of the primaries (and how in the world he thinks the two topics should even be tenuously tied together is beyond me).
A reader posting under the name of "Kelly Simmons" left the following comment on Borsch's column: Yummy post! I fear for the future of the Republic.
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