OUTTA LEFTFIELD: Blowing the lid off the Six Degrees of Toilet-Seat-Hat-Wearing Princesses
Published: Wednesday, May 25, 2011
By Mike Morsch
Executive Editor
Just pause for a moment, if you will, and reflect on how horrifying and disgusting this title is. The imagery here is grotesque.
Forget all that Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon stuff. Turns out I’m only one degree from Queen Elizabeth, although I will readily admit that her royal highness is neither the actor nor the musician that Mr. Bacon has become.
So wouldn't a more accurate title be "...the Six Degrees of Queen Elizabeth"? I guess that toilet-seat-hat thing was just too hilarious to pass up!
I didn’t mention anything about my connection to the Queen during the recent royal wedding of Prince William and Kate Middleton because I did not have the appropriate headgear to be considered a legitimate part of the conversation surrounding the royal soiree.
He used this "don't have the right headgear" joke like a half dozen times on Twitter. Recycled material? Borsch? I know, I was surprised too.
But apparently, Princess Beatrice did. The eldest daughter of Prince Andrew and Sarah Ferguson wore a hat to the wedding that was described in some media accounts as “a toilet seat hat.”
I have to admit - this column got to me. It's so incredibly boring, so devoid of comedy, and so full of dull, plodding Borschian detail that I couldn't handle doing the whole thing. Cliche highlights!
Borsch refers to his purportedly hilarious college exploits
Why, in college, I could be regularly found wearing a toilet seat as a necklace, so a toilet seat is nothing new as a fashion accessory.
Borsch refers to his rural Midwestern background
Nearly 11 years ago, I sat with Sarah Ferguson for a one-on-one interview... and that makes me one degree from the Queen and the young princess. Now really, how many people do you know raised in the Illinois sticks and educated in the Iowa cornfields who can say that?
Borsch uses cultural stereotypes
That is a snootful of potential English snootiness in one room... I could induce neither of them to utter the phrase, “Pip, pip cheerio and all that rot"...
Following the progress of the column so far? He's connected to the Queen because he once interviewed Fergie. He then goes into a looooooong and laaaaaaame story about how the phrase "happy as Larry" came to be. It's several paragraphs long and contribues nothing to the narrative.
And that’s the story on how I can claim to be one degree from Queen Elizabeth and her toilet-seat-hat-wearing granddaughter.
Which means that I’m only one degree removed from … a royal flush. And if you didn’t know I was going there with that story, you haven’t been paying attention.
Paying attention to what, exactly? The story about Sarah Ferguson, which had virtually nothing to do with the toilet-seat-hat thing? His brand of comedy in general? I like how he tries to make it seem like we are the dumb ones if we don't foresee his lame tacked-on pun.
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
Can't Do Enough Fawning
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
'No Ma'am, You're Not Old'
Boy, I'm a bit stumped as to the possible topic here. Could it be about how clueless guys are about the subject of a woman's age? Maybe he called someone "ma'am" and his wife scolds him because it's an "old lady" term?
I judge the level of a party by the host’s willingness to offer cocktail weenies at the hors d’oeuvres table. Using that as a measuring stick, Dan May really knows how to throw a shindig.
We dive right into fresh territory - "cocktail weeines" (which he has covered in-depth before), a.k.a. little hot dogs. Toss in a sprinkling of oft-chronicled musician Dan May and we've got a truly revolutionary topic!
May, the Philadelphia singer-songwriter extraordinaire, had a CD release party last weekend at Plays and Players Theater in the city to promote his fourth CD, “Dying Breed.” It’s yet another brilliant piece of work by Dan and his band mates, who performed several cuts from the album at a show prior to everybody bellying up to the buffet table at the after party.
I'm disgusted for three reasons: (1) Borsch is almost homosexual in his lust for Mr. May, who just produced a liberal-themed music CD - but he had nothing good to say about Dennis Miller, who does some conservative-themed comedy. And Borsch had the gall to say his dislike of Miller was because he doesn't enjoy political material. (2) This is the SECOND article he's squeezed out of this Dan May gala. (3) I hate the phrase "bellying up to."
There are a lot of things to like about Dan — the songwriting, the singing, the sense of humor.
Restrain yourself, sir!
Lead guitarist and vocalist Tom Hampton seems to be cut from the same cloth, and it shows in the music.
What cloth? The cloth of having a lot of things to like about him?
As we were about to take our leave from the party Saturday night, Tom was engaged in a conversation with two other people, and the three of them happened to be blocking the path to our exit. The Blonde Accountant said, “Excuse me” as she made her way past the trio, and Tom countered with, “Sure, ma’am.”
You don't "counter" someone saying "excuse me." Seriously. Especially when the guy just said, "Sure, ma'am." He replied; he rejoined; he answered. Learn the language.
A seemingly innocent enough exchange. But as soon as we were out of earshot, she turned to me and said, “I’m not old enough to be called ma’am. How old does Tom think I am? He’s probably the same age as me.”
Get over yourself. "Ma'am" is a term of respect. I would use "ma'am" on women at the grocery store, and they'd always say something like, "That's what people call my mother." Well guess what - you're all grown up now. I call you "ma'am," you call me "sir."
The reality of it is that I am old and The Blonde Accountant is eight years my junior, which I believe makes it alright for Tom to call me “ma’am” the next time he sees me.
TBA must be a real prize, eh? Marrying an older man is one thing, but marrying an older man who happens to be Mike Morsch? *Shudder*
I would (29) never think of (29) revealing my wife’s age (29) in print and (29) if I did, I would (29) make sure (29) to emphasize that it (29) doesn’t change (29) from year to year.
Ha... ha?
The next day, I went to Dan’s Facebook page and posted the following comment about the party: “I, for one, certainly appreciated that cocktail weenies were included in the after party buffet table. But thanks to Tom Hampton calling my wife ‘ma’am’ I had to hear all . . . the . . . way . . . home that she wasn’t old.”
I'm not one to brag, but please note that I totally called this exact topic by just reading the title.
Dan’s response: “Tom is a southern gentleman, he calls women ‘ma’am.’ Tell The Blonde Accountant she’s still got it going on. In fact, people at the party that saw the two of you together were commenting on how Mike Morsch was robbing the cradle.”
This is really gross. And for the record, I really, really wanted to make a "James Troutman" reference here. But I felt restraint.
Dan is a playful purveyor of hooey, so that’s pretty funny, considering that nobody at that party besides Dan knew who I was.
Well, at least it's as funny as your standard Outta Leftfield
Once again, Tom wasn’t too far behind with his comment: “Mike, if it makes you feel better, I also call Dan ‘ma’am’ more often than not.”
So you remember that joke a few sentences, ago, when Borsch said it was "alright for Tom to call me “ma’am” the next time he sees me"? Yeah. He stole that joke. From Tom.
The Blonde Accountant was having none of what they were peddling. I suggested to Dan and Tom that they only way they could get back into her good graces would be to write her a song. We shall see where that leads, although Dan has already admitted to having trouble rhyming “accountant.”
Both "fountain" and "mountain" are near-rhymes of "accountant." [Editor's Note: On further review, I missed a Borsch typo - "they only way they." Well done, Mr. Executive Editor.]
I would suggest a working title of “No Ma’am, You’re Not Old.”
Labels: Dan May, Mike Morsch, Montgomery Newspapers, Outta Leftfield
I find it interesting that he tags Dan May but not Tom Hampton. We get some pretty good Borsch standards here: fawning over a local celeb, writing about an event he attended, hot dog references, social faux pas made by a man and pointed out by his wife.
'No Ma'am, You're Not Old'
Boy, I'm a bit stumped as to the possible topic here. Could it be about how clueless guys are about the subject of a woman's age? Maybe he called someone "ma'am" and his wife scolds him because it's an "old lady" term?
I judge the level of a party by the host’s willingness to offer cocktail weenies at the hors d’oeuvres table. Using that as a measuring stick, Dan May really knows how to throw a shindig.
We dive right into fresh territory - "cocktail weeines" (which he has covered in-depth before), a.k.a. little hot dogs. Toss in a sprinkling of oft-chronicled musician Dan May and we've got a truly revolutionary topic!
May, the Philadelphia singer-songwriter extraordinaire, had a CD release party last weekend at Plays and Players Theater in the city to promote his fourth CD, “Dying Breed.” It’s yet another brilliant piece of work by Dan and his band mates, who performed several cuts from the album at a show prior to everybody bellying up to the buffet table at the after party.
I'm disgusted for three reasons: (1) Borsch is almost homosexual in his lust for Mr. May, who just produced a liberal-themed music CD - but he had nothing good to say about Dennis Miller, who does some conservative-themed comedy. And Borsch had the gall to say his dislike of Miller was because he doesn't enjoy political material. (2) This is the SECOND article he's squeezed out of this Dan May gala. (3) I hate the phrase "bellying up to."
There are a lot of things to like about Dan — the songwriting, the singing, the sense of humor.
Restrain yourself, sir!
Lead guitarist and vocalist Tom Hampton seems to be cut from the same cloth, and it shows in the music.
What cloth? The cloth of having a lot of things to like about him?
As we were about to take our leave from the party Saturday night, Tom was engaged in a conversation with two other people, and the three of them happened to be blocking the path to our exit. The Blonde Accountant said, “Excuse me” as she made her way past the trio, and Tom countered with, “Sure, ma’am.”
You don't "counter" someone saying "excuse me." Seriously. Especially when the guy just said, "Sure, ma'am." He replied; he rejoined; he answered. Learn the language.
A seemingly innocent enough exchange. But as soon as we were out of earshot, she turned to me and said, “I’m not old enough to be called ma’am. How old does Tom think I am? He’s probably the same age as me.”
Get over yourself. "Ma'am" is a term of respect. I would use "ma'am" on women at the grocery store, and they'd always say something like, "That's what people call my mother." Well guess what - you're all grown up now. I call you "ma'am," you call me "sir."
The reality of it is that I am old and The Blonde Accountant is eight years my junior, which I believe makes it alright for Tom to call me “ma’am” the next time he sees me.
TBA must be a real prize, eh? Marrying an older man is one thing, but marrying an older man who happens to be Mike Morsch? *Shudder*
I would (29) never think of (29) revealing my wife’s age (29) in print and (29) if I did, I would (29) make sure (29) to emphasize that it (29) doesn’t change (29) from year to year.
Ha... ha?
The next day, I went to Dan’s Facebook page and posted the following comment about the party: “I, for one, certainly appreciated that cocktail weenies were included in the after party buffet table. But thanks to Tom Hampton calling my wife ‘ma’am’ I had to hear all . . . the . . . way . . . home that she wasn’t old.”
I'm not one to brag, but please note that I totally called this exact topic by just reading the title.
Dan’s response: “Tom is a southern gentleman, he calls women ‘ma’am.’ Tell The Blonde Accountant she’s still got it going on. In fact, people at the party that saw the two of you together were commenting on how Mike Morsch was robbing the cradle.”
This is really gross. And for the record, I really, really wanted to make a "James Troutman" reference here. But I felt restraint.
Dan is a playful purveyor of hooey, so that’s pretty funny, considering that nobody at that party besides Dan knew who I was.
Well, at least it's as funny as your standard Outta Leftfield
Once again, Tom wasn’t too far behind with his comment: “Mike, if it makes you feel better, I also call Dan ‘ma’am’ more often than not.”
So you remember that joke a few sentences, ago, when Borsch said it was "alright for Tom to call me “ma’am” the next time he sees me"? Yeah. He stole that joke. From Tom.
The Blonde Accountant was having none of what they were peddling. I suggested to Dan and Tom that they only way they could get back into her good graces would be to write her a song. We shall see where that leads, although Dan has already admitted to having trouble rhyming “accountant.”
Both "fountain" and "mountain" are near-rhymes of "accountant." [Editor's Note: On further review, I missed a Borsch typo - "they only way they." Well done, Mr. Executive Editor.]
I would suggest a working title of “No Ma’am, You’re Not Old.”
Labels: Dan May, Mike Morsch, Montgomery Newspapers, Outta Leftfield
I find it interesting that he tags Dan May but not Tom Hampton. We get some pretty good Borsch standards here: fawning over a local celeb, writing about an event he attended, hot dog references, social faux pas made by a man and pointed out by his wife.
Friday, May 20, 2011
Totally Unsurprising News
Construction delays push back opening of Souderton pool
Published: Sunday, May 15, 2011
By Emily Morris, For The Reporter
This is an old story, and because I'm a fair-minded fellow, I didn't point out the latest stumble in the "new pool" fiasco in Souderton. But now... well, continue reading, won't you?
Councilman Jeff Gross said he also wanted it stressed that “shoddy tile work” would not be acceptable if that aspect of the project is delayed until last minute.
Oh, heavens! "Shoddy" tile work! This should definitely be the primary concern. I often select my pool due to the quality of its tile work.
“The reality is school’s still going to be in session until June 20,” [Borough Manager Mike] Coll said.
Oh, so it's okay then. Never mind that this pool, as the Mayor said, will give the "dreams of hope" to "thousands of people of Indian Valley." It can wait, no big.
Souderton pool opening delayed again to June 20
Published: Friday, May 20, 2011
By Emily Morris & Erin DuBois
Staff Writers
This comes as a surprise to no one. What a difference five days can make! Now the reason is "bad weather," but staff is "very comfortable" with the new date. I certainly believe them.
People have been hesitant to buy a membership until they know definitely when the pool will open, Coll said. Extending the discount period “takes the confusion” out of purchasing a membership. “It gives a comfort level because there is no real rush to buy,” Coll said.
So the thinking here is that people are not buying memberships because they feel "rushed." Therefore, delaying the opening of the pool... will actually COMFORT people... into buying! Seriously. This is how the people running Souderton think.
While [membership sales] aren’t selling as well as Coll said he would like, he expects they will pick up toward the end of the month and as the weather gets warmer.
But I thought people weren't buying because there was such a rush to buy! Here's a suggestion: people aren't buying memberships because, by the time the pool finally opens, they'll only be able to use it for, like, four weeks.
“Changes are happening so quickly now,” Councilman Jeff Gross said, encouraging council and residents to keep an eye on progress.
In fact the only change NOT happening quickly is the pool changing from "closed" to "open." If only we could go back to the days when this story was published:
Souderton pool should be 'operational' for May 30 opening
Published: Thursday, April 21, 2011
Seems like the delays are the changes that happen most quickly, eh?
Published: Sunday, May 15, 2011
By Emily Morris, For The Reporter
This is an old story, and because I'm a fair-minded fellow, I didn't point out the latest stumble in the "new pool" fiasco in Souderton. But now... well, continue reading, won't you?
Councilman Jeff Gross said he also wanted it stressed that “shoddy tile work” would not be acceptable if that aspect of the project is delayed until last minute.
Oh, heavens! "Shoddy" tile work! This should definitely be the primary concern. I often select my pool due to the quality of its tile work.
“The reality is school’s still going to be in session until June 20,” [Borough Manager Mike] Coll said.
Oh, so it's okay then. Never mind that this pool, as the Mayor said, will give the "dreams of hope" to "thousands of people of Indian Valley." It can wait, no big.
Souderton pool opening delayed again to June 20
Published: Friday, May 20, 2011
By Emily Morris & Erin DuBois
Staff Writers
This comes as a surprise to no one. What a difference five days can make! Now the reason is "bad weather," but staff is "very comfortable" with the new date. I certainly believe them.
People have been hesitant to buy a membership until they know definitely when the pool will open, Coll said. Extending the discount period “takes the confusion” out of purchasing a membership. “It gives a comfort level because there is no real rush to buy,” Coll said.
So the thinking here is that people are not buying memberships because they feel "rushed." Therefore, delaying the opening of the pool... will actually COMFORT people... into buying! Seriously. This is how the people running Souderton think.
While [membership sales] aren’t selling as well as Coll said he would like, he expects they will pick up toward the end of the month and as the weather gets warmer.
But I thought people weren't buying because there was such a rush to buy! Here's a suggestion: people aren't buying memberships because, by the time the pool finally opens, they'll only be able to use it for, like, four weeks.
“Changes are happening so quickly now,” Councilman Jeff Gross said, encouraging council and residents to keep an eye on progress.
In fact the only change NOT happening quickly is the pool changing from "closed" to "open." If only we could go back to the days when this story was published:
Souderton pool should be 'operational' for May 30 opening
Published: Thursday, April 21, 2011
Seems like the delays are the changes that happen most quickly, eh?
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
Material Copied from Website
OUTTA LEFTFIELD: The line between smart and stupid continues to be blurred
Published: Wednesday, May 18, 2011
By Mike Morsch
Executive Editor
Exibit A: "Outta Leftfield."
The line between smart and stupid has become increasingly more blurred the past few years. And I’m not referring to just in the political arena.
Gee, to what could he be referring? Hint: he's certainly not calling Obama stupid.
For example, there is the website www.stupid.com, which has been mentioned in this space before.
It has? Is that Borsch's domain name or something?
It features categories like senior gags, office gags, drinking gags, kitchen gags, holiday gags, funny hats and something called the “Poop Shop,” which offers nearly 30 doo-related items. There’s a lot of gagging going on there, and rightfully so, I might add.
For a guy supposedly so grossed out by poop, he finds a way to focus on it in quite a few of his columns.
It’s both stoo and pid. And the folks who run the website realize that by not taking themselves or their products seriously at all.
Is "both stoo and pid" supposed to be funny?
But then I happened across an article titled “Wow, that’s smart!” which was touting some inventions that might make one exclaim, “I wish I’d thought of that!”
Hey, stupid or smart, I’ve had many of those “I wish I’d thought of that!” moments over the course of my life. The closest I’ve ever come to inventing anything, though, was in college in 1978 when I pioneered the “co-ed toga,” a simple bedsheet-turned-toga-for-two inspired by the combination of being 18 and the exposure to mass quantities of alcohol and 18-year-old women. My parents were so proud.
Yet another reference to "coming up with an idea because of beer," a common theme here. And I seriously doubt he "pioneered" that idea.
But hey, going to college in Iowa in the 1970s required us to be creative thinkers because there really wasn’t much else to do, despite the popularity of cow-tipping.
Growing up in the mid-west! WOW! This material is so fresh you can smell it.
Among the smart ideas touted in the aforementioned article were something called “Coffee Joulies,” stainless steal beans about the size of an egg that one puts into a cup of coffee to instantly cool it to a drinkable temperature. I always thought those were called ice cubes.
I don't know what's dumber, the Coffee Joulies or the ice cube remark. You'd think one would displace so much fluid it would spill, and why heat something up just to put ice cubes in it to cool it down?
Another is called a “Cool Wazoo,” a child-protector pad that has five different uses: in a restaurant high chair, on a swing, in a car seat, in a grocery cart or as a changing pad. It sells for $65. I think when my kids were little I used a towel, which means one is spending $65 for the admittedly cool name of the product.
He used a towel as a restaurant high chair and car seat? Impressive. I'm starting to see why none of Borsch's "great ideas" have panned out.
One of the “Wow, that’s smart!” product ideas isn’t really a product at all, which doesn’t necessarily disqualify it from being a smart idea.
This is known as "logic." All smart product ideas are smart ideas, but not all smart ideas are necessarily product ideas.
It’s called the “Poor Man’s Drycleaning” and is accompanied by a picture of a guy with his nose in his armpit. It might be the first recorded image in history of a guy with his nose in his armpit illustrating what’s being called a good idea.
I understand neither the idea itself, nor Borsch's little comment after.
The theory behind this is more along the lines of a home remedy. (Note: Women would never do this, but that is not an automatic disqualifier for guys.)
This is also "logic." Women are not men; therefore an activity that excludes women does not necessarily exclude men as well.
We’ve all seen a guy pick a shirt out of the laundry basket, stick it up to his nose, shrug his shoulders like it’s not too wrinkled and doesn’t smell that bad, and then pull it on over his head. (For the record, I am not one of those guys, which is one of my few redeeming qualities.)
I believe Jeff Foxworthy did this exact routine. The originality here is astounding.
It turns out that those who like to wear their shirts more than once before laundering can make the shirt smell fresh and clean by pouring a little vodka and water into a spray bottle and then spritzing the shirt with the mixture. Once it dries, the garment is good to go. Who said bartenders don’t come up with any good ideas?
I understand the idea now. Please note that we're waist-deep in a "someone else's amusing story I read on the Internet" column.
According to the information in the story, this is a common trick used by Broadway actors so that the costumes don’t have to be dry-cleaned after every performance. Also — and this is big-star product endorsement territory — “Joan Rivers swears by it. So does Madonna.”
I wonder how many paragraphs he has started with "according to" in his "writing" career. They probably number in the thousands.
I was wrong. Apparently women would do something like this to their clothes. Seriously, Joan, can we talk? And Madonna, is that anyway to express yourself?
In this context, it should be "any way," not "anyway." Idiot.
So here’s what we’ve got: The smart ideas include “Coffee Joulies,” the “Cool Wazoo” and the “Poor Man’s Drycleaning” theory. The stupid ideas include anything to do with poo.
Back to poop! I had no idea being a published columnist was so easy. You go to a website, copy the information on said website, and presto! Your column is done.
See how difficult it is to tell the smart from the stupid? Maybe I ought to think about bringing back the co-ed toga idea.
I like how he found these ideas on a website called "stupid.com," and his point is that they're stupid ideas. Hey, at least he TRIED to be funny this time and didn't just summarize random events from his weekend.
Published: Wednesday, May 18, 2011
By Mike Morsch
Executive Editor
Exibit A: "Outta Leftfield."
The line between smart and stupid has become increasingly more blurred the past few years. And I’m not referring to just in the political arena.
Gee, to what could he be referring? Hint: he's certainly not calling Obama stupid.
For example, there is the website www.stupid.com, which has been mentioned in this space before.
It has? Is that Borsch's domain name or something?
It features categories like senior gags, office gags, drinking gags, kitchen gags, holiday gags, funny hats and something called the “Poop Shop,” which offers nearly 30 doo-related items. There’s a lot of gagging going on there, and rightfully so, I might add.
For a guy supposedly so grossed out by poop, he finds a way to focus on it in quite a few of his columns.
It’s both stoo and pid. And the folks who run the website realize that by not taking themselves or their products seriously at all.
Is "both stoo and pid" supposed to be funny?
But then I happened across an article titled “Wow, that’s smart!” which was touting some inventions that might make one exclaim, “I wish I’d thought of that!”
Hey, stupid or smart, I’ve had many of those “I wish I’d thought of that!” moments over the course of my life. The closest I’ve ever come to inventing anything, though, was in college in 1978 when I pioneered the “co-ed toga,” a simple bedsheet-turned-toga-for-two inspired by the combination of being 18 and the exposure to mass quantities of alcohol and 18-year-old women. My parents were so proud.
Yet another reference to "coming up with an idea because of beer," a common theme here. And I seriously doubt he "pioneered" that idea.
But hey, going to college in Iowa in the 1970s required us to be creative thinkers because there really wasn’t much else to do, despite the popularity of cow-tipping.
Growing up in the mid-west! WOW! This material is so fresh you can smell it.
Among the smart ideas touted in the aforementioned article were something called “Coffee Joulies,” stainless steal beans about the size of an egg that one puts into a cup of coffee to instantly cool it to a drinkable temperature. I always thought those were called ice cubes.
I don't know what's dumber, the Coffee Joulies or the ice cube remark. You'd think one would displace so much fluid it would spill, and why heat something up just to put ice cubes in it to cool it down?
Another is called a “Cool Wazoo,” a child-protector pad that has five different uses: in a restaurant high chair, on a swing, in a car seat, in a grocery cart or as a changing pad. It sells for $65. I think when my kids were little I used a towel, which means one is spending $65 for the admittedly cool name of the product.
He used a towel as a restaurant high chair and car seat? Impressive. I'm starting to see why none of Borsch's "great ideas" have panned out.
One of the “Wow, that’s smart!” product ideas isn’t really a product at all, which doesn’t necessarily disqualify it from being a smart idea.
This is known as "logic." All smart product ideas are smart ideas, but not all smart ideas are necessarily product ideas.
It’s called the “Poor Man’s Drycleaning” and is accompanied by a picture of a guy with his nose in his armpit. It might be the first recorded image in history of a guy with his nose in his armpit illustrating what’s being called a good idea.
I understand neither the idea itself, nor Borsch's little comment after.
The theory behind this is more along the lines of a home remedy. (Note: Women would never do this, but that is not an automatic disqualifier for guys.)
This is also "logic." Women are not men; therefore an activity that excludes women does not necessarily exclude men as well.
We’ve all seen a guy pick a shirt out of the laundry basket, stick it up to his nose, shrug his shoulders like it’s not too wrinkled and doesn’t smell that bad, and then pull it on over his head. (For the record, I am not one of those guys, which is one of my few redeeming qualities.)
I believe Jeff Foxworthy did this exact routine. The originality here is astounding.
It turns out that those who like to wear their shirts more than once before laundering can make the shirt smell fresh and clean by pouring a little vodka and water into a spray bottle and then spritzing the shirt with the mixture. Once it dries, the garment is good to go. Who said bartenders don’t come up with any good ideas?
I understand the idea now. Please note that we're waist-deep in a "someone else's amusing story I read on the Internet" column.
According to the information in the story, this is a common trick used by Broadway actors so that the costumes don’t have to be dry-cleaned after every performance. Also — and this is big-star product endorsement territory — “Joan Rivers swears by it. So does Madonna.”
I wonder how many paragraphs he has started with "according to" in his "writing" career. They probably number in the thousands.
I was wrong. Apparently women would do something like this to their clothes. Seriously, Joan, can we talk? And Madonna, is that anyway to express yourself?
In this context, it should be "any way," not "anyway." Idiot.
So here’s what we’ve got: The smart ideas include “Coffee Joulies,” the “Cool Wazoo” and the “Poor Man’s Drycleaning” theory. The stupid ideas include anything to do with poo.
Back to poop! I had no idea being a published columnist was so easy. You go to a website, copy the information on said website, and presto! Your column is done.
See how difficult it is to tell the smart from the stupid? Maybe I ought to think about bringing back the co-ed toga idea.
I like how he found these ideas on a website called "stupid.com," and his point is that they're stupid ideas. Hey, at least he TRIED to be funny this time and didn't just summarize random events from his weekend.
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
Ballparks and recreation
For a humor columnist, this man's supply of topics seems shockingly small, doesn't it?
Big baseball weekend at our house, which isn’t too much out of the ordinary, really.
No kidding.
Leading off was a college tilt as St. Joseph’s took on Temple in a twinbill Saturday afternoon at Skip Wilson Field on the Temple Ambler campus. It was the first time I had gotten to enjoy a game at that particular field and it’s a pretty nice college ballyard.
"Ballyard"? Really? He couldn't have just said "...at that particular field, and it's a pretty nice one"?
This matchup was of particular interest because Father of Blonde Accountant and The Blonde Accountant are both St. Joe’s grads and Pop Pop pitched for the Hawks back in his day. I have no allegiance to either team, but I do enjoy watching college baseball when I get the chance. The accompanying video shows some of those sites and sounds.
Is "Pop Pop" the same person as Father of Blonde Accountant? I like his criteria for an interesting game - out of three, two people went to one of the schools, and the third person doesn't care.
St. Joe’s took both games from the Owls, although we could only stay for the first game. Son of Blonde Accountant had his regular season CYO finale back in Montgomeryville so we headed back for that. Tough day for the youngster as he took the collar and his team lost. But the rain held off until after all baseball was done for the day, so that was good.
What exactly is the theme of this paragraph? Hawks vs. Olws? Game in Montgomeryville? The weather?
On Sunday, Son of Blonde Accountant and I took in the Reading Phillies. We got to see some of the young Phillies prospects — like pitchers J.C. Ramirez and Phillippe Aumont, first baseman Matt Rizzotti and shortstop Freddy Galvis — and the rain held off long enough for the home team to secure a victory.
I must be missing all the jokes so far, by the way. Should we re-name this the "Here's What I Did Today Weblog"?
One of the many wonderful things about baseball is the terminology, of which we heard plenty over the weekend, mostly during the college game.
For example, the following phrases can usually only be heard on the ballfield:
Ah yes, the "ballfield."
— “Lotta hop!” — It means, “Stay aggressive, show a lot of enthusiasm.”
— “Right man, right now” — Refers to having the best hitter at the plate with runners in scoring position able to get a clutch hit and drive in the runs.
That was a tortured sentence.
— “Hum, baby!” — Usually what is said to a pitcher, as in “Hum that pitch in there” or “throw it hard.”
Then of course, there is the umpire bating. Umpiring at the college level in particular is challenging and one must have a thick skin. There is a lot of chirping going on from the benches. Among my favorite lines over the years tossed at umpires:
Wow. So we get three uninteresting bits of baseball jargon, and now we're being "treated" to things Borsch has heard "over the years." Now we're not even talking about the weekend anymore!
— “Hey, poke a hole in that mask!”
— “Hey ump, shake your head, your eyes are stuck!”
Boy, two whole lines, huh? And these sound like the most generic insults one can imagine.
When I played, my dad didn’t get after the umpires too much — and neither did I — because we understood that umpires don’t win or lose ballgames. But when Pop did feel the need to sound off, he was relatively nice about it.
“Wake up ump, you’re missing a good game!”
Okay, no, THAT'S the most generic insult one can imagine. And what's with all these pointless digressions? Can we please settle on a theme for this post?
One of my alternative activities over the weekend was to go shopping with The Blonde Accountant for a new kitchen faucet.
You have got to be kidding me. This is terrible. What is this supposed to be about? And how is any of it funny?
Although that still has to happen, I believe this weekend qualified as an example of another common phrase: “Can’t beat fun at the old ballpark.”
But I thought the other phrases were UNcommon, because you'd only hear them at a baseball game. We'll have to take his word that any of this was fun, though, because he did such a terrible job of describing it.
Labels: Mike Morsch, Montgomery Newspapers, Outta Leftfield, Reading Phillies, St. Joseph's, Temple Ambler
On a side note, we've passed the 150-post mark at Inta Rightfield. The majority of these have been Borsch-related, and the most frightening thing is, he's getting worse. He's still writing about the same things, using the same jokes. His choice of topics is slowly dwindling down to four: concerts he sees, things he can't do, stories he reads on the Internet, and baseball.
More disturbing is his shameless abuse of sentiment; he's hawked his so-called "tribute" to his deceased uncles several times in search of awards. There is seemingly no depth to which he will not sink.
Ballparks and recreation
For a humor columnist, this man's supply of topics seems shockingly small, doesn't it?
Big baseball weekend at our house, which isn’t too much out of the ordinary, really.
No kidding.
Leading off was a college tilt as St. Joseph’s took on Temple in a twinbill Saturday afternoon at Skip Wilson Field on the Temple Ambler campus. It was the first time I had gotten to enjoy a game at that particular field and it’s a pretty nice college ballyard.
"Ballyard"? Really? He couldn't have just said "...at that particular field, and it's a pretty nice one"?
This matchup was of particular interest because Father of Blonde Accountant and The Blonde Accountant are both St. Joe’s grads and Pop Pop pitched for the Hawks back in his day. I have no allegiance to either team, but I do enjoy watching college baseball when I get the chance. The accompanying video shows some of those sites and sounds.
Is "Pop Pop" the same person as Father of Blonde Accountant? I like his criteria for an interesting game - out of three, two people went to one of the schools, and the third person doesn't care.
St. Joe’s took both games from the Owls, although we could only stay for the first game. Son of Blonde Accountant had his regular season CYO finale back in Montgomeryville so we headed back for that. Tough day for the youngster as he took the collar and his team lost. But the rain held off until after all baseball was done for the day, so that was good.
What exactly is the theme of this paragraph? Hawks vs. Olws? Game in Montgomeryville? The weather?
On Sunday, Son of Blonde Accountant and I took in the Reading Phillies. We got to see some of the young Phillies prospects — like pitchers J.C. Ramirez and Phillippe Aumont, first baseman Matt Rizzotti and shortstop Freddy Galvis — and the rain held off long enough for the home team to secure a victory.
I must be missing all the jokes so far, by the way. Should we re-name this the "Here's What I Did Today Weblog"?
One of the many wonderful things about baseball is the terminology, of which we heard plenty over the weekend, mostly during the college game.
For example, the following phrases can usually only be heard on the ballfield:
Ah yes, the "ballfield."
— “Lotta hop!” — It means, “Stay aggressive, show a lot of enthusiasm.”
— “Right man, right now” — Refers to having the best hitter at the plate with runners in scoring position able to get a clutch hit and drive in the runs.
That was a tortured sentence.
— “Hum, baby!” — Usually what is said to a pitcher, as in “Hum that pitch in there” or “throw it hard.”
Then of course, there is the umpire bating. Umpiring at the college level in particular is challenging and one must have a thick skin. There is a lot of chirping going on from the benches. Among my favorite lines over the years tossed at umpires:
Wow. So we get three uninteresting bits of baseball jargon, and now we're being "treated" to things Borsch has heard "over the years." Now we're not even talking about the weekend anymore!
— “Hey, poke a hole in that mask!”
— “Hey ump, shake your head, your eyes are stuck!”
Boy, two whole lines, huh? And these sound like the most generic insults one can imagine.
When I played, my dad didn’t get after the umpires too much — and neither did I — because we understood that umpires don’t win or lose ballgames. But when Pop did feel the need to sound off, he was relatively nice about it.
“Wake up ump, you’re missing a good game!”
Okay, no, THAT'S the most generic insult one can imagine. And what's with all these pointless digressions? Can we please settle on a theme for this post?
One of my alternative activities over the weekend was to go shopping with The Blonde Accountant for a new kitchen faucet.
You have got to be kidding me. This is terrible. What is this supposed to be about? And how is any of it funny?
Although that still has to happen, I believe this weekend qualified as an example of another common phrase: “Can’t beat fun at the old ballpark.”
But I thought the other phrases were UNcommon, because you'd only hear them at a baseball game. We'll have to take his word that any of this was fun, though, because he did such a terrible job of describing it.
Labels: Mike Morsch, Montgomery Newspapers, Outta Leftfield, Reading Phillies, St. Joseph's, Temple Ambler
On a side note, we've passed the 150-post mark at Inta Rightfield. The majority of these have been Borsch-related, and the most frightening thing is, he's getting worse. He's still writing about the same things, using the same jokes. His choice of topics is slowly dwindling down to four: concerts he sees, things he can't do, stories he reads on the Internet, and baseball.
More disturbing is his shameless abuse of sentiment; he's hawked his so-called "tribute" to his deceased uncles several times in search of awards. There is seemingly no depth to which he will not sink.
Wednesday, May 11, 2011
He Can't Grill, Either
Outta Leftfield
When it comes to cleaning the grill, options can be half-baked
Published: Wednesday, May 11, 2011
By Mike Morsch
Unfortunately, you don't bake on a grill.
Mother’s Day proved to be Opening Day of the grilling season at our house, and I must admit, it appears that my barbecuing skills have not improved any during the off season. I can still burn meat with the best of them.
*Sigh* Self-deprecating humor is one thing, but is it even possible that one man can be bad at so many things? Will we be seeing columns about how he can't brush his teeth or tie his shoes?
But this season opens up with a bit of vindication: Turns out it’s not a completely and utterly ridiculous idea to suggest that a self-cleaning oven be utilized when cleaning the grates of the grill.
Years ago, I was laughed right out of my neighborhood for suggesting that if a self-cleaning oven could clean the oven’s grates, then why couldn’t it clean the grill’s grates with the same effectiveness?
Don't these two paragraphs say exactly the same thing?
There appear to be two schools of thought on this: the husband’s creative thinking methods designed to save elbow grease and maximize leisure time … and the right way as determined by the wife.
Wahoooo, here's an original idea for humor: the smart wife knows more than the dumb husband! Move over, Tim Allen!
Traditional cleaning of a charcoal grill goes something like this:
(1) Remove the grates and soak them in warm, soapy water.
(2) Make sure the beer is cold.
Ah, and a beer joke. We're opening up new horizons in comedy here, folks.
(3) Use a stiff wire brush to gently scrub the surface of the grates.
(4) Drink a cold beer.
It got funnier the second time, didn't it?
(5) Sit in the lawn chair and try to think of easier ways to clean the grill. (Throwing the grill away after every use and buying a new one certainly isn’t practical, but that doesn’t mean the idea should not be considered.)
(6) Approach wife with the self-cleaning oven idea, which makes a whole lot of sense before and after several beers.
How much longer is this list going to be?
(7) Pick the ridicule and chastisement out of your backside for even thinking you were bringing those nasty grill grates into a perfectly clean kitchen and sticking them into a brand new and perfectly clean oven.
The more clauses you add, the more amusing a sentence becomes.
(8) Drink another beer, scoff at the fact that Scrubbing Bubbles is not recommended for cleaning grills.
(9) Ponder the various uses of a wire brush that don’t involve grill grates. (I couldn’t think of any others.)
Third beer reference in a single list. #9 is actually a decent question.
(10) Take a nap in the lawn chair, allowing the grill sufficient time to air dry.
By suggesting years ago that the self-cleaning oven could do the work of the warm, soapy water, Scrubbing Bubbles and wire brush, I had apparently violated some kind of No Stinky Grill Grates in My New Oven Rule.
"Stinky"? Are grill grates really stinky? Dirty, yes, but are they really known for their odor?
However, there are any number of websites these days where information can be found supporting the theory of putting the grill grates in the self-cleaning oven. Maybe I was just ahead of my time in this area of thinking 10 years ago.
Try reading both those sentences out loud. They sound TERRIBLE. At this point, it may be interesting to refer back to his June 10, 2010 article on virtually the same subject. Some quotes of interest:
"...the first round of meat was successfully charred over the holiday weekend."
"Personally, if mankind can invent a self-cleaning oven, then I think it should be able to invent a self-cleaning grill. Failing that, we should at least be able to remove the grill’s grates and place them in a self-cleaning oven..."
So we have this year's article in 100 words or less, basically. Burn food? Check. Clean grill? Check. The end.
Things have evolved now for me in the area of grilling. I no longer have the Weber kettle charcoal grill. I have some kind of Cadillac gas grill. It’s a big, old thing that takes up a good chunk of a relatively small back deck, and provides me the opportunity to efficiently burn the meat at a higher level of grilling incompetence.
It's old? He just purchased it a year ago. Unless he's trying to use "big old" as in "large," in which case that comma doesn't belong there. Glad we FINALLY established that he burns meat, too.
And I do not utilize the self-cleaning oven at our house to clean the grill, mostly because I’m not even sure we have a self-cleaning oven. It was not among the important questions I asked in advance of a second marriage, which is a shortcoming on my part. That question should have been higher on the list.
What is he even talking about now?
Admittedly though, switching from a charcoal grill to a gas grill has not come without its perplexing issues. For example, this weekend while I was I was goosing the chicken with barbecuing implements,
"I was I was" - somebody didn't proofread!
my father-in-law and I were chit-chatting, and he ended up schooling me in how to check the level of propane that’s left in the tank, a method that I had not yet learned.
From "for" to "learned," that's all one sentence. How on earth does this man presume to edit the writing of others?
But he is a camping enthusiast from way back, so he has a certain amount of credibility in this area. He said the way to determine the level of propane left in the tank was to take some boiling water and pour it on the tank. The areas of the tank on which the water didn’t boil determined the level of propane in the tank.
And here I thought the areas of the tank on which the water didn't boil determined the level of propane in the garage. Good thing he specified.
He told me this assuming that I knew how to boil water. However, my science skills are very limited in the principles of propane gas, and for a moment, I thought he was pulling my leg.
So now he doesn't know how to boil water. My "can't brush teeth" column idea probably isn't too far off.
It has always been my policy to try and stay out of hot water, and I judge a successful outdoor grilling experience as one that doesn’t involve me blowing up the house.
How would you blow up the house if you're grilling outdoors?
Somehow, boiling water on a propane gas tank just wasn’t registering with me. (Disclaimer: Not that I don’t believe my father-in-law, but I did not in fact try pouring boiling water on the tank, so don’t do it unless you know it to be safe.)
Science teachers are welcome to come by the office and boot me in the backside and demand an explanation for me not paying attention back in junior high science class.
What? A science teacher is going to attack him because he won't pour boiling water on his propane tank? I don't remember outdoor grilling being a part of my high school education.
But that’s the type of grilling I really don’t need.
This column in 100 words or less: "I'm bad at grilling, but I think you should clean the grill grates in a self-cleaning oven. I'm not sure we even have a self-cleaning oven. My father-in-law told me how you can tell if you have propane in the tank, but I don't want to try. Hopefully my high school science teacher won't find out. Bad pun."
When it comes to cleaning the grill, options can be half-baked
Published: Wednesday, May 11, 2011
By Mike Morsch
Unfortunately, you don't bake on a grill.
Mother’s Day proved to be Opening Day of the grilling season at our house, and I must admit, it appears that my barbecuing skills have not improved any during the off season. I can still burn meat with the best of them.
*Sigh* Self-deprecating humor is one thing, but is it even possible that one man can be bad at so many things? Will we be seeing columns about how he can't brush his teeth or tie his shoes?
But this season opens up with a bit of vindication: Turns out it’s not a completely and utterly ridiculous idea to suggest that a self-cleaning oven be utilized when cleaning the grates of the grill.
Years ago, I was laughed right out of my neighborhood for suggesting that if a self-cleaning oven could clean the oven’s grates, then why couldn’t it clean the grill’s grates with the same effectiveness?
Don't these two paragraphs say exactly the same thing?
There appear to be two schools of thought on this: the husband’s creative thinking methods designed to save elbow grease and maximize leisure time … and the right way as determined by the wife.
Wahoooo, here's an original idea for humor: the smart wife knows more than the dumb husband! Move over, Tim Allen!
Traditional cleaning of a charcoal grill goes something like this:
(1) Remove the grates and soak them in warm, soapy water.
(2) Make sure the beer is cold.
Ah, and a beer joke. We're opening up new horizons in comedy here, folks.
(3) Use a stiff wire brush to gently scrub the surface of the grates.
(4) Drink a cold beer.
It got funnier the second time, didn't it?
(5) Sit in the lawn chair and try to think of easier ways to clean the grill. (Throwing the grill away after every use and buying a new one certainly isn’t practical, but that doesn’t mean the idea should not be considered.)
(6) Approach wife with the self-cleaning oven idea, which makes a whole lot of sense before and after several beers.
How much longer is this list going to be?
(7) Pick the ridicule and chastisement out of your backside for even thinking you were bringing those nasty grill grates into a perfectly clean kitchen and sticking them into a brand new and perfectly clean oven.
The more clauses you add, the more amusing a sentence becomes.
(8) Drink another beer, scoff at the fact that Scrubbing Bubbles is not recommended for cleaning grills.
(9) Ponder the various uses of a wire brush that don’t involve grill grates. (I couldn’t think of any others.)
Third beer reference in a single list. #9 is actually a decent question.
(10) Take a nap in the lawn chair, allowing the grill sufficient time to air dry.
By suggesting years ago that the self-cleaning oven could do the work of the warm, soapy water, Scrubbing Bubbles and wire brush, I had apparently violated some kind of No Stinky Grill Grates in My New Oven Rule.
"Stinky"? Are grill grates really stinky? Dirty, yes, but are they really known for their odor?
However, there are any number of websites these days where information can be found supporting the theory of putting the grill grates in the self-cleaning oven. Maybe I was just ahead of my time in this area of thinking 10 years ago.
Try reading both those sentences out loud. They sound TERRIBLE. At this point, it may be interesting to refer back to his June 10, 2010 article on virtually the same subject. Some quotes of interest:
"...the first round of meat was successfully charred over the holiday weekend."
"Personally, if mankind can invent a self-cleaning oven, then I think it should be able to invent a self-cleaning grill. Failing that, we should at least be able to remove the grill’s grates and place them in a self-cleaning oven..."
So we have this year's article in 100 words or less, basically. Burn food? Check. Clean grill? Check. The end.
Things have evolved now for me in the area of grilling. I no longer have the Weber kettle charcoal grill. I have some kind of Cadillac gas grill. It’s a big, old thing that takes up a good chunk of a relatively small back deck, and provides me the opportunity to efficiently burn the meat at a higher level of grilling incompetence.
It's old? He just purchased it a year ago. Unless he's trying to use "big old" as in "large," in which case that comma doesn't belong there. Glad we FINALLY established that he burns meat, too.
And I do not utilize the self-cleaning oven at our house to clean the grill, mostly because I’m not even sure we have a self-cleaning oven. It was not among the important questions I asked in advance of a second marriage, which is a shortcoming on my part. That question should have been higher on the list.
What is he even talking about now?
Admittedly though, switching from a charcoal grill to a gas grill has not come without its perplexing issues. For example, this weekend while I was I was goosing the chicken with barbecuing implements,
"I was I was" - somebody didn't proofread!
my father-in-law and I were chit-chatting, and he ended up schooling me in how to check the level of propane that’s left in the tank, a method that I had not yet learned.
From "for" to "learned," that's all one sentence. How on earth does this man presume to edit the writing of others?
But he is a camping enthusiast from way back, so he has a certain amount of credibility in this area. He said the way to determine the level of propane left in the tank was to take some boiling water and pour it on the tank. The areas of the tank on which the water didn’t boil determined the level of propane in the tank.
And here I thought the areas of the tank on which the water didn't boil determined the level of propane in the garage. Good thing he specified.
He told me this assuming that I knew how to boil water. However, my science skills are very limited in the principles of propane gas, and for a moment, I thought he was pulling my leg.
So now he doesn't know how to boil water. My "can't brush teeth" column idea probably isn't too far off.
It has always been my policy to try and stay out of hot water, and I judge a successful outdoor grilling experience as one that doesn’t involve me blowing up the house.
How would you blow up the house if you're grilling outdoors?
Somehow, boiling water on a propane gas tank just wasn’t registering with me. (Disclaimer: Not that I don’t believe my father-in-law, but I did not in fact try pouring boiling water on the tank, so don’t do it unless you know it to be safe.)
Science teachers are welcome to come by the office and boot me in the backside and demand an explanation for me not paying attention back in junior high science class.
What? A science teacher is going to attack him because he won't pour boiling water on his propane tank? I don't remember outdoor grilling being a part of my high school education.
But that’s the type of grilling I really don’t need.
This column in 100 words or less: "I'm bad at grilling, but I think you should clean the grill grates in a self-cleaning oven. I'm not sure we even have a self-cleaning oven. My father-in-law told me how you can tell if you have propane in the tank, but I don't want to try. Hopefully my high school science teacher won't find out. Bad pun."
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
Compare and Contrast
Dan May’s a ‘Dying Breed’ but very much alive and well: Latest CD recorded in Spring House.
John Conahan to open show at Plays & Players.
Published: Tuesday, May 10, 2011
By Mike Morsch
Executive Editor
We've already had a column about Dan May, but I guess you can never get too much of a good thing. As this isn't a true "Outta Leftfield," I'm going to skip around to the best material.
Dan May’s new CD “Dying Breed” features the song “Paradise,” which turns out to be something a little different from what the title suggests.
He says one thing but means another? GENIUS!
The lyrics of the song feature things like America’s addiction to corn syrup, the manipulation practiced by pharmaceutical companies, global warming, plastic surgery, the use of the attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder-treating drug Ritalin and swipes at Fox News, Facebook, the banking industry and bailout and even the Catholic Church.
Aw, man! If he had just thrown in a stab at Sara Palin he'd have just about every liberal cliche in the book! Please note: Borsch will have nothing but praise for May (despite his heavily political material). Contrast this with his reaction to Dennis Miller's more right-wing approach.
Some description of paradise, huh?
“There’s a real connecting thread from song to song,” said May, the Philadelphia singer-songwriter, about his fourth full CD, recorded at MorningStar Studios in Spring House. “It’s a look back at the good old days that maybe weren’t as good as we thought they were.
How original.
An Americana-folk-tinged troubadour whose soft voice and thought-provoking lyrics have graced the region for the past several years, May said he continues to evolve and grow as a singer and songwriter and that “Dying Breed” is evidence of that.
Better be careful there, sir - all that drooling you're doing might short out your keyboard! So no remarks about how you didn't like May's newer music because it's so political? No asides about his height?
The original plan included premiering the video at the CD release party, but it isn’t completed yet. Those attending the soiree, however, will get an idea of what the finished product will look like as a “making of the video” short movie will be playing on a loop on a flat-screen television throughout the evening and after-party.
So the after-party doesn't take place during "the evening"?
May said he chose Plays and Players Theatre as the venue for the CD release party because he prefers theater shows as opposed to clubs and coffeehouses.
“The audience comes in with higher expectations and the experience is better in general,” said May, who had his last CD release party at the Academy of Vocal Arts in Philadelphia, where he had graduated from opera training. “It’s a beautiful old theater [Plays and Players] and it’s in a very cool section of the city, right off Rittenhouse Square.”
I included this section to emphasize what a clumsy writer Borsch is. The [Plays and Players] is only necessary because of how awkward and convoluted the structure of his sentence is. What I find strange is that Borsch probably added those brackets to try and clarify his point - instead of re-writing it to eliminate the confusion altogether.
May, who has used studio musicians on some of his past CDs but used his regular band members on “Dying Breed,” anticipates that his already established fan base will like this album.
What does the fact that he's not using studio musicians have to do with the rest of that paragraph? Really, can you slip these little asides in anywhere you please? "May, who drips hot candle wax on his genitals to achieve satisfaction, thinks the release party will be a hit."
“I call this one organic and Americana, which are words I throw out there when I don’t know what I’m talking about,” he quipped. “Americana to me, it’s not country and it’s not folk but it has those influences. It’s that kind of American sound with a touch of folk.
... But I thought it wasn't folk. Didn't he just say that in the previous sentence? It's not folk, but it has a touch of folk.
Fort Washington resident John Conahan, who teaches music at Wissahickon High School, will open for May at the CD release party. Known for his audience interaction, Conahan’s award-winning songs have been featured on television, in film and promotional campaigns as well on syndicated radio programs. He is a regular at the Tin Angel, the World Café Live, the Living Room, the National Underground, Rockwood Music Hall and the Kimmel Center for the Performing Arts in Philadelphia.
BOOM. The end.
John Conahan to open show at Plays & Players.
Published: Tuesday, May 10, 2011
By Mike Morsch
Executive Editor
We've already had a column about Dan May, but I guess you can never get too much of a good thing. As this isn't a true "Outta Leftfield," I'm going to skip around to the best material.
Dan May’s new CD “Dying Breed” features the song “Paradise,” which turns out to be something a little different from what the title suggests.
He says one thing but means another? GENIUS!
The lyrics of the song feature things like America’s addiction to corn syrup, the manipulation practiced by pharmaceutical companies, global warming, plastic surgery, the use of the attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder-treating drug Ritalin and swipes at Fox News, Facebook, the banking industry and bailout and even the Catholic Church.
Aw, man! If he had just thrown in a stab at Sara Palin he'd have just about every liberal cliche in the book! Please note: Borsch will have nothing but praise for May (despite his heavily political material). Contrast this with his reaction to Dennis Miller's more right-wing approach.
Some description of paradise, huh?
“There’s a real connecting thread from song to song,” said May, the Philadelphia singer-songwriter, about his fourth full CD, recorded at MorningStar Studios in Spring House. “It’s a look back at the good old days that maybe weren’t as good as we thought they were.
How original.
An Americana-folk-tinged troubadour whose soft voice and thought-provoking lyrics have graced the region for the past several years, May said he continues to evolve and grow as a singer and songwriter and that “Dying Breed” is evidence of that.
Better be careful there, sir - all that drooling you're doing might short out your keyboard! So no remarks about how you didn't like May's newer music because it's so political? No asides about his height?
The original plan included premiering the video at the CD release party, but it isn’t completed yet. Those attending the soiree, however, will get an idea of what the finished product will look like as a “making of the video” short movie will be playing on a loop on a flat-screen television throughout the evening and after-party.
So the after-party doesn't take place during "the evening"?
May said he chose Plays and Players Theatre as the venue for the CD release party because he prefers theater shows as opposed to clubs and coffeehouses.
“The audience comes in with higher expectations and the experience is better in general,” said May, who had his last CD release party at the Academy of Vocal Arts in Philadelphia, where he had graduated from opera training. “It’s a beautiful old theater [Plays and Players] and it’s in a very cool section of the city, right off Rittenhouse Square.”
I included this section to emphasize what a clumsy writer Borsch is. The [Plays and Players] is only necessary because of how awkward and convoluted the structure of his sentence is. What I find strange is that Borsch probably added those brackets to try and clarify his point - instead of re-writing it to eliminate the confusion altogether.
May, who has used studio musicians on some of his past CDs but used his regular band members on “Dying Breed,” anticipates that his already established fan base will like this album.
What does the fact that he's not using studio musicians have to do with the rest of that paragraph? Really, can you slip these little asides in anywhere you please? "May, who drips hot candle wax on his genitals to achieve satisfaction, thinks the release party will be a hit."
“I call this one organic and Americana, which are words I throw out there when I don’t know what I’m talking about,” he quipped. “Americana to me, it’s not country and it’s not folk but it has those influences. It’s that kind of American sound with a touch of folk.
... But I thought it wasn't folk. Didn't he just say that in the previous sentence? It's not folk, but it has a touch of folk.
Fort Washington resident John Conahan, who teaches music at Wissahickon High School, will open for May at the CD release party. Known for his audience interaction, Conahan’s award-winning songs have been featured on television, in film and promotional campaigns as well on syndicated radio programs. He is a regular at the Tin Angel, the World Café Live, the Living Room, the National Underground, Rockwood Music Hall and the Kimmel Center for the Performing Arts in Philadelphia.
BOOM. The end.
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
If you can't say anything nice...
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
Miller time at The Keswick
"Miller time." How original.
Dennis Miller wasn’t as tall as I thought he would be. But he’s got a great smile and laugh, and he seemed genuinely flattered that people wanted to meet him and get a picture taken with him last week prior to his show at the Keswick Theater.
So by this logic... a short person is less likely to smile, laugh and be flattered? If Miller had been taller, the fact that he was cheerful and friendly wouldn't have been a surprise?
I was fortunate to be among a group of about 20 people who got the opportunity to shake Miller’s hand that evening. He introduced himself to each person individually with a “Hi, I’m Dennis,” almost like we didn’t know who he was.
Wow, shaking hands! The true hallmark of a gracious celebrity. And we already know he took the unheard-of step of posing for photographs.
There was some brief backstage banter before Miller suggested we all go out on stage and take the pictures, with the Keswick seats steadily filling about 15 minutes before show time serving as the backdrop.
That was a poorly-written sentence. Keep in mind, this man makes a living on his presumed skill with the English language.
Unfortunately, the pre-show stage lighting — a kind of a dark blue — played havoc with my photos and they all came out with a dark blue tint, making the images almost indistinguishable, even when using a flash. I wonder if any of the other folks with cameras had the same problem.
Well, that last paragraph might have been completely uninteresting and unnecessary, but at least it was jam-packed with madcap humor!
As for the show, I didn’t laugh as much as I would have liked, but not because Miller wasn’t funny. Between watching his last HBO special and the phone call interview I had with him to preview the appearance, much of it was repeat information.
Yeah, isn't it boring having to see the same material over and over again? The same jokes and puns? Imagine how your readers must feel, sir.
In fact, at the end of the interview, I had asked him what the Keswick crowd could expect at a Dennis Miller show. “This phone call for about an hour,” he said.
And that’s what it turned out to be. One can’t quibble that Dennis Miller didn’t deliver the kind of show that he had promised to deliver.
A good writer - or editor - would have replaced that clumsy second "deliver" with "he would" or something of that nature.
He is very hesitant to say good things about Miller. When he does, he adds a caveat. Miller was friendly - but short. He was funny - but not up to Borsch's high expectations. Borsch isn't coming right out and saying so, but Miller's conservative politics are the root cause.
One other observation: Political humor is a tough gig right now, given the polarization in our country.
I knew it! He couldn't resist.
I grew up with the humor of George Carlin, who I thought was both funny and brilliant. But in the latter part of his career, Carlin became more political and more anti-government, anti-religion and just about anti-everything. And it just wasn’t as funny as his other stuff.
Miller's humor has always had political elements - "Weekend Update," anyone? The only difference is a shift from left to right.
Miller strikes me as being on a similar path. His stories about taking his mother to meet Frank Sinatra, the shenanigans during his stint as a Monday Nigh Football commentator and the craziness that was the early days of Saturday Night Live were all enjoyable and funny bits. The political stuff, not so much.
Because you don't agree with it. It's okay - I find it hard to laugh at Carlin and his ilk. But just admit it. The disappointment Borsch felt over Miller's swing to the right is palpable in each column he's written, but he keeps trying to weasel out of it.
Maybe the comedians haven’t changed over the years. Maybe it’s the politics that just isn’t funny anymore.
So Carlin never made any Nixon jokes? Never did any bits on Reagan? Morsch doesn't crack wise about Trump and revel in the wit of Keith Olbermann? Please.
To summarize this story by paragraph:
Meeting Dennis (he was short) - 2 paragraphs
Taking pictures (poor lighting) - 2 paragraphs
Show wasn't very funny - 2 paragraphs
Political humor wasn't funny - 4 paragraphs
So what, in his mind, was the true thrust of this post? By the way, none of the paragraphs contained a joke.
Labels: Dennis Miller, Keswick Theater, Mike Morsch, Montgomery Newspapers, Outta Leftfield
Miller time at The Keswick
"Miller time." How original.
Dennis Miller wasn’t as tall as I thought he would be. But he’s got a great smile and laugh, and he seemed genuinely flattered that people wanted to meet him and get a picture taken with him last week prior to his show at the Keswick Theater.
So by this logic... a short person is less likely to smile, laugh and be flattered? If Miller had been taller, the fact that he was cheerful and friendly wouldn't have been a surprise?
I was fortunate to be among a group of about 20 people who got the opportunity to shake Miller’s hand that evening. He introduced himself to each person individually with a “Hi, I’m Dennis,” almost like we didn’t know who he was.
Wow, shaking hands! The true hallmark of a gracious celebrity. And we already know he took the unheard-of step of posing for photographs.
There was some brief backstage banter before Miller suggested we all go out on stage and take the pictures, with the Keswick seats steadily filling about 15 minutes before show time serving as the backdrop.
That was a poorly-written sentence. Keep in mind, this man makes a living on his presumed skill with the English language.
Unfortunately, the pre-show stage lighting — a kind of a dark blue — played havoc with my photos and they all came out with a dark blue tint, making the images almost indistinguishable, even when using a flash. I wonder if any of the other folks with cameras had the same problem.
Well, that last paragraph might have been completely uninteresting and unnecessary, but at least it was jam-packed with madcap humor!
As for the show, I didn’t laugh as much as I would have liked, but not because Miller wasn’t funny. Between watching his last HBO special and the phone call interview I had with him to preview the appearance, much of it was repeat information.
Yeah, isn't it boring having to see the same material over and over again? The same jokes and puns? Imagine how your readers must feel, sir.
In fact, at the end of the interview, I had asked him what the Keswick crowd could expect at a Dennis Miller show. “This phone call for about an hour,” he said.
And that’s what it turned out to be. One can’t quibble that Dennis Miller didn’t deliver the kind of show that he had promised to deliver.
A good writer - or editor - would have replaced that clumsy second "deliver" with "he would" or something of that nature.
He is very hesitant to say good things about Miller. When he does, he adds a caveat. Miller was friendly - but short. He was funny - but not up to Borsch's high expectations. Borsch isn't coming right out and saying so, but Miller's conservative politics are the root cause.
One other observation: Political humor is a tough gig right now, given the polarization in our country.
I knew it! He couldn't resist.
I grew up with the humor of George Carlin, who I thought was both funny and brilliant. But in the latter part of his career, Carlin became more political and more anti-government, anti-religion and just about anti-everything. And it just wasn’t as funny as his other stuff.
Miller's humor has always had political elements - "Weekend Update," anyone? The only difference is a shift from left to right.
Miller strikes me as being on a similar path. His stories about taking his mother to meet Frank Sinatra, the shenanigans during his stint as a Monday Nigh Football commentator and the craziness that was the early days of Saturday Night Live were all enjoyable and funny bits. The political stuff, not so much.
Because you don't agree with it. It's okay - I find it hard to laugh at Carlin and his ilk. But just admit it. The disappointment Borsch felt over Miller's swing to the right is palpable in each column he's written, but he keeps trying to weasel out of it.
Maybe the comedians haven’t changed over the years. Maybe it’s the politics that just isn’t funny anymore.
So Carlin never made any Nixon jokes? Never did any bits on Reagan? Morsch doesn't crack wise about Trump and revel in the wit of Keith Olbermann? Please.
To summarize this story by paragraph:
Meeting Dennis (he was short) - 2 paragraphs
Taking pictures (poor lighting) - 2 paragraphs
Show wasn't very funny - 2 paragraphs
Political humor wasn't funny - 4 paragraphs
So what, in his mind, was the true thrust of this post? By the way, none of the paragraphs contained a joke.
Labels: Dennis Miller, Keswick Theater, Mike Morsch, Montgomery Newspapers, Outta Leftfield
Taking a Pass
Via Twitter:
Tough week last week. We lost our beloved family pet. Here is the column on that.
Ouch. I really can't touch this one; like Tony Soprano, I have a soft spot for pets. So like the Red Baron dropping a bottle of champaign down to Snoopy on Christmas, I'll just tip my cap to Mr. Morsch this week. We will meet again another day.
Tough week last week. We lost our beloved family pet. Here is the column on that.
Ouch. I really can't touch this one; like Tony Soprano, I have a soft spot for pets. So like the Red Baron dropping a bottle of champaign down to Snoopy on Christmas, I'll just tip my cap to Mr. Morsch this week. We will meet again another day.
Monday, May 2, 2011
Yet Another Stooges Convention!
Three Stooges co-stars highlight annual convention in Fort Washington
Published: Monday, May 02, 2011
By Mike Morsch
Executive Editor
I look forward to seeing what chunks of his previous Three Stooges stories he will vomit back up for us to enjoy. Column highlights:
The 2011 Three Stooges Fan Club Meeting featured two of those co-stars — Adrian Booth Brian and Sally Starr — who greeted fans and signed autographs as part of the annual knuckleheadfest Saturday and Sunday, which also included events at the Stoogeum, a Smithsonian-quality museum in nearby Spring House, owned and operated by Gary Lassin.
2009 Article - "Gary also is owner and curator of the Stoogeum, a museum of his personal collection of Stooges memorabilia in Springhouse..."
2010 Article - "Gary Lassin... curator of the fabulous Stoogeum museum in Spring House..."
Wow, the Stoogeum has gone from "a museum" to a "fabulous... museum" to "a Smithsonian-quality museum"! How does Mr. Lassin afford all those upgrades?
Philadelphia fans will remember “Our gal Sal” Sally Starr...
... No.
The Stooges actually appeared on her show during its run. Because of that exposure to a new generation, Starr was among those credited with helping revive the careers of The Three Stooges — which had waned in the late 1950s — to the point that the boys offered her a part in their 1965 feature-length film, “The Outlaws is Coming,” which also starred Adam West, who would go on in 1966 to play the lead role in the campy television series “Batman.”
That's right, folks - from "because" to "Batman," that's all one sentence. Try reading it all in one breath.
Starr said she first met the Stooges in the early to mid-1960s when they performed at the Latin Casino, a Philadelphia-area nightclub just across the river in Cherry Hill, N.J. Among the big names to appear at “The Latin” in those days were Frank Sinatra, Don Rickles, Tom Jones, The Supremes, Frankie Avalon and Bobby Darin, among others.
Why do we have to get this unnecessary extra info? Adam West was also in a movie, Tom Jones performed at the same club... Maybe in more skilled hands these tidbits would add flavor to a story, but here they're obviously just space-consuming filler.
At age 93, Adrian Booth Brian is one of the oldest-living Stooges co-stars... Booth Brian said that with the release of “You Natzy Spy!” in 1940, she and the Stooges became the first to satirize Adolph Hitler, “ahead of Charlie Chaplin and everybody else.”
“The Great Dictator,” starring Chaplin, was released in October 1940 and is considered Chaplin’s first true talking picture and was his most commercially successfully film.
Again, why is this information here??? Come on, Borsch, these are the Three Stooges! Talk about pie fights and "nyuks" and knuckleheads!
As for the Stooges, Booth Brian said she enjoyed every minute working with them.
“Moe was kind of the brains. Larry was just very sweet,” she said. “They weren’t very much different off camera than they were on camera. But they were very nice to me.”
... The end. Frankly, I was anticipating more. There is a video attached to this story, by the way. It's 1:30 long, and features plenty of classic Borsch slow-pans and awkward close-ups. It concludes with him filming somebody's license plate because it reads "STOOGES," like a vanity license plate is an Earth-shattering discovery.
Published: Monday, May 02, 2011
By Mike Morsch
Executive Editor
I look forward to seeing what chunks of his previous Three Stooges stories he will vomit back up for us to enjoy. Column highlights:
The 2011 Three Stooges Fan Club Meeting featured two of those co-stars — Adrian Booth Brian and Sally Starr — who greeted fans and signed autographs as part of the annual knuckleheadfest Saturday and Sunday, which also included events at the Stoogeum, a Smithsonian-quality museum in nearby Spring House, owned and operated by Gary Lassin.
2009 Article - "Gary also is owner and curator of the Stoogeum, a museum of his personal collection of Stooges memorabilia in Springhouse..."
2010 Article - "Gary Lassin... curator of the fabulous Stoogeum museum in Spring House..."
Wow, the Stoogeum has gone from "a museum" to a "fabulous... museum" to "a Smithsonian-quality museum"! How does Mr. Lassin afford all those upgrades?
Philadelphia fans will remember “Our gal Sal” Sally Starr...
... No.
The Stooges actually appeared on her show during its run. Because of that exposure to a new generation, Starr was among those credited with helping revive the careers of The Three Stooges — which had waned in the late 1950s — to the point that the boys offered her a part in their 1965 feature-length film, “The Outlaws is Coming,” which also starred Adam West, who would go on in 1966 to play the lead role in the campy television series “Batman.”
That's right, folks - from "because" to "Batman," that's all one sentence. Try reading it all in one breath.
Starr said she first met the Stooges in the early to mid-1960s when they performed at the Latin Casino, a Philadelphia-area nightclub just across the river in Cherry Hill, N.J. Among the big names to appear at “The Latin” in those days were Frank Sinatra, Don Rickles, Tom Jones, The Supremes, Frankie Avalon and Bobby Darin, among others.
Why do we have to get this unnecessary extra info? Adam West was also in a movie, Tom Jones performed at the same club... Maybe in more skilled hands these tidbits would add flavor to a story, but here they're obviously just space-consuming filler.
At age 93, Adrian Booth Brian is one of the oldest-living Stooges co-stars... Booth Brian said that with the release of “You Natzy Spy!” in 1940, she and the Stooges became the first to satirize Adolph Hitler, “ahead of Charlie Chaplin and everybody else.”
“The Great Dictator,” starring Chaplin, was released in October 1940 and is considered Chaplin’s first true talking picture and was his most commercially successfully film.
Again, why is this information here??? Come on, Borsch, these are the Three Stooges! Talk about pie fights and "nyuks" and knuckleheads!
As for the Stooges, Booth Brian said she enjoyed every minute working with them.
“Moe was kind of the brains. Larry was just very sweet,” she said. “They weren’t very much different off camera than they were on camera. But they were very nice to me.”
... The end. Frankly, I was anticipating more. There is a video attached to this story, by the way. It's 1:30 long, and features plenty of classic Borsch slow-pans and awkward close-ups. It concludes with him filming somebody's license plate because it reads "STOOGES," like a vanity license plate is an Earth-shattering discovery.
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