Victory?

They don't make Outta Leftfield like they used to.

This blog began out of a sense that a great injustice was being perpetrated on the reading public. There was an editor whose own writing skills were abominable; there was a humor columnist whose comedy consisted mainly of tired cliche and Three Stooges references. Like the Joker wondering how a man dressed as a bat can get all of his press, I wondered how a man with such an obvious, horrifying lack of talent could possibly be published.

Thus Inta Rightfield was born. And I've gotten a lot of enjoyment out of it. Since March of 2010 I have made 168 posts, most of them dealing with the Patron Saint of Poor Local Journalism, Mike "Borsch" Morsch. From his terrible article about baseball cards to his constant harping on local concerts, Borsch has provided me and my twos and threes of readers with near-endless unintentional enjoyment. My ultimate goal: to crush him - to deflate his obviously rampaging ego - with the knowledge of how truly mediocre his own talents are.

For over a year, Borsch has made it easy. It's hard not to take pleasure in critiquing a man so obviously pompous, opinionated and incompetent. Check on these paragraphs, for example:

It was around 11:30 p.m. Wednesday when The O’Jays broke into one of the group’s biggest hits, “Love Train.” Given the lateness of the concert, a half hour later and that song could have easily turned into “Midnight Train to Georgia” for those of us who were still awake at that hour.

Go ahead and read through that again. Just savor how absolutely horrible that second sentence is. Honestly, could he have phrased that any more clumsily and confusingly?

But that took nothing away from a show that served up a good portion of “Philly soul” as we knew it in the 1970s, with a dose of Motown worked in for good measure Wednesday at the Mann Center for the Performing Arts in Philadelphia.

Writing that bad takes real effort. But now the well seems to be running dry.

Case in point: his October 11th blog piece called "It's nice to be nice to the nice," which extolled the virtues of Penn State fans at a recent football game. Like most of his recent efforts, it didn't make much of an attempt to be clever or funny. It was just the boring story of Borsch going to a game and thinking the fans were friendly. He didn't even take the opportunity for an obvious "Happy Valley/Happy Dance" comparison.

And then there's his latest official column, entitled "Wrestlers join business in effort to put headlock on dreaded disease." First of all, why would he choose "headlock"? If he's the wrestling fan he claims to be, he should know that this dreaded disease could break out of such a hold with three quick elbows to the midsection. Second, in MS Word, the column takes up 17.5 inches of space. Only 6.5 inches (37%) relate to the actual subject. The remaining 63% of the article is a story about a young Borsch reporting on a wrestling match.

So the Borsch state of the union is: sluggish production. Few attempts at comedy. Jejune topics. A curious avoidance of his popular writing crutches ("men are dumb" topics, hot dog references, Hall and Oates, etc).

My conclusion? I've gotten to him. I've tagged his annoying writing tics so accurately that he's trying to get by without them. Unfortunately for him, without his Three Stooges and his spilling things and his "yuks," he's got nothing. So when he does manage to crank something out, it's a thinly-disguised advertisement for local football or a pathetic washed-up celeb puff piece.

So, for the time being, I'm going to declare this little project a success and sign off. But rest assured - should the forces of Borsch rise again to cast a shadow over the heart of the Delaware Valley... call me.

I'll be there.

For those interested, a summary of the main Inta Rightfield labels is below:

112 - Outta Leftfield
37 - Unnecessary Baseball References
36 - Twitter Posts
26 - Not Really a Column
19 - Men are Dumb
13 - Attending a Concert
13 - Poor Journalism
13 - Beer
12 - Gracious Celebs
11 - Poop
10 - Elaborate Made-Up Titles
8 - The Three Stooges
8 - Dumb Politics
8 - Yuks
7 - Hot Dogs
6 - Spilling Things
5 - Mustard
3 - Hall and Oates
3 - Rampant Plagiarism
2 - Bad Breath
2 - Seven Kinds of Something
1 - Made-Up Holidays (I must have missed some of these)

GENIUS!

Souderton continues discussion on creating recreation board to oversee pool
Published: Thursday, September 15, 2011
By Emily Morris

Souderton Borough Council continues to mull over the option of creating a recreation board to look at overseeing its parks, and primarily its new pool.

“I think if we’re going to create a recreation board, then we at least have to give it some guidelines as to what this recreation board does,” Souderton Mayor John Reynolds said.

Wow. Such depth! Such... such substance! Why is this man not writing Civics textbooks? I think his talents are being squandered.

Tuesday, September 6, 2011
S-F football night all about community

Like every recent entry by Borsch, this post was short and didn't even try to be funny. Here's the concept:

One doesn’t have to like football to enjoy high school football night. That’s because in many towns, it’s about more than just football, it’s about community.

Get it? It's all about community. Let's see some examples of the great community spirit that Borsch experienced at ye olde Spring-Ford High School football game:

I’ve always enjoyed the atmosphere, the band, the cheerleaders, and the mascot. Spring-Ford’s mascot — Rowdy Ram — is particularly entertaining this year, interacting with fans, especially the younger children.

Hold up, son - a mascot that interacts with FANS and CHILDREN??? What a novel concept! This qualifies the Rowdy Ram as a gracious celeb.

And I’ve always loved the band.

"Here's a list of the things I liked: atmosphere, band, cheerleaders, mascot. Also, I liked the band." Borsch then talks about his own high school band and mentions Dan Fogelberg.

...The cheerleaders, of course, also help complete the experience...

Kinda already covered that.

All in all, high school football night is a great way to get a relatively low-cost evening of entertainment. But more importantly, it provides a wonderful sense of community, the benefits of which one can’t put a price on.

Tell me - what "sense of community" did he describe for us? He heard the band, saw a mascot, and watched cheerleaders. You could do all of these things while watching a game on television by yourself. Where was this wonderful atmosphere? What delightful characters did he interact with in the stands? What we have here is Borsch not having any ideas for a column, so he slaps some BS about "community" onto the boring story of his trip to a high school football game. Pulitzer Prize, here he comes!

Did I mention you should go out and see Rowdy Ram? The youngster in the suit is a hoot.

... Okay.

Grammar

mmorsch35 Well, that sweep pretty much buries the Braves, huh? Whose next? Brewers? OK.
about 11 hours ago

"Whose next?" [my emphasis] This post is definitive evidence that Borsch is at least as good a writer as 90% of YouTube commenters.

Pool Update: I'm so Right it Hurts

I published a post on May 6, 2010, entitled "Pre-emptive Promise Breaking." Take a gander at these paragraphs from a news story published about the budget for the new Souderton Pool. The original budget was $2 million, with a $500K "emergency" loan (story in bold, my comments in italics):

“It’s our responsibility to not tap into that half million,” [Council President Brian] Goshow said.

Councilman Steven Toy echoed Goshow’s statements, and has no plans to use the money for the pool project unless it is absolutely necessary.

“I don’t hear anybody saying they want to use that money,” Toy said. “It’s contingency. That’s all it is.”

Prediction: Souderton will use the extra $500,000. All of it. If not more. They'll blow through it like a hooker through dope.

I wrote that over a year ago. Now check out this story from The Reporter newspaper, by Emily Morris:

The borough has exhausted its $2 million construction loan for the pool, Coll said, and is on track to be right on budget for the $3 million total projected cost.

Uh-oh... but if the original budget was $2 million...

There is currently $308,000 due to the prime contractors on the project, and Coll said he was filing reports with Univest Bank and Trust Co. this week to use the $500,000 contingency fund to pay those bills.

Gee, what a surprise, right? Shocking! So they ran through the $2 million, they're using the "emergency" $500K to pay off contractors, and they racked up ANOTHER $500,000 BEYOND THAT. I mean, I hate to be one of those people who say "I called it!" but... I pretty much called it.

Also note the fact that the professional journalist who wrote this latest story didn't even bother to look back and call out the political hacks in Souderton for breaking their word.

New "Outta Leftfield" Subject: Baseball

Friday, August 12, 2011
Kruk, Williams solidify 'character' personas

We may have discussed how to swing a bat, we may have discussed going to a Yankess game, and we may have discussed Hunter Pence... but I never would have guessed that Borsch would pull this topic out of his hat! BASEBALL!

Remember those two old guy muppets on “The Muppet Show” — their names are Statler and Waldorf — who heckled the rest of the cast from the balcony, then yukked it up at their own jokes?

"Yukked." We're off to a roaring start.

Well, meet the modern-day Statler and Waldorf — Mitch Williams and John Kruk, mainstays of the 1993 Philadelphia Phillies squad that lost the World Series to the Toronto Blue Jays when Williams gave up a series-ending home run to Joe Carter. (Boo-boo, hiss-hiss.)

This is an idiotic statement in several ways. First off, Statler and Waldorf watched someone else's act and mocked it. So unless Williams and Kruk are watching a game and making fun of the players, the comparison doesn't even work. Second, they're making a Muppets movie right now. I'm pretty sure Statler and Waldorf will be in it. Statler and Waldorf are the modern-day Statler and Waldorf, not two untalented talking heads.

Put microphones in front of these two, sit back and prepare to be entertained.

Well hey, they're not Dennis Miller, after all. What is it, Borsch, no remarks about how much fatter Kruk is than you would expect? Maybe you could say they weren't quite as amusing as you had hoped?

They’ve known each other for a long time. Both talk baseball for a living now — Kruk for ESPN’s “Baseball Tonight” and Williams for MLB Network — and both are real characters.

What does one sentence have to do with the other? "These guys are old friends. Here are their jobs."

Kruk in particular has that “grumpy old guy” thing down, even though he’s only 50 years old. You expect him to shout, “Hey you kids, get off my lawn!” at any moment.

Ah, that's the first time we've heard that joke! Really, Borsch, if you're going to call yourself a "humor columnist," you should really have more than one joke per subject. "Old guys? Reference 'getting off lawn' joke." Comedy gold!

During their playing careers, neither Kruk nor Williams was all that fond of answering questions from reporters. But I happened to be standing next to former Phillies pitcher Tommy Greene while Kruk and Williams answered questions from the audience during that part of the festivities.

Again, how do these two sentences relate??? "They don't like answering questions. But I stood next to some guy." Is he writing this column on morphine or something?

Here's an example of the absolutely side-splitting riffs that these two comedic geniuses go off on. Move over, Don Rickles!

“Joe Carter is one of those rare right-handed hitters who likes the ball down and in,” Williams told the crowd. “I knew that, so that pitch was supposed to be up and away.”
“Missed by just a little bit, huh?” Kruk added.

"Added" really isn't the appropriate verb, there. And I'm sure they haven't had that exact same exchange 6,578 other times during public appearances.

Har-har-hardy-har-har. These guys should add a drummer to their act just for the rim shots.

Why, because they had one "funny" exchange? I love how we're supposed to buy their modern-day Statler and Waldorf credentials based on this one quote.

Blue collar guys for a blue collar city. They should never have to buy another beer in this town for as long as they live.

Aaaaaand slam on the breaks! Post's over. He goes from saying how hilarious they are, to providing one example of said hilarity, to saying that they should get free beers for life. Mr. Borsch, as always, is earning his pay.

Dare We Call This a Triple-Header?

OUTTA LEFTFIELD: Learning the physics of extension with a swivel chair and tripod
Published: Tuesday, August 02, 2011
By Mike Morsch
Executive Editor

Several new supremely uninteresting offerings from the King of Komedy, Michael Morsch. Highlights from the first one:

Any discussion of physics usually puts me to sleep. But add to that a swivel chair, a video camera tripod and a hotel room at 2:30 a.m. in Lakewood, N.J., and the physics discussion becomes immediately more entertaining … until I fall asleep.

This sounds like the plot of a bad porno film.

It’s not exactly easy to find oneself in a hotel room in the middle of New Jersey listening to someone go on about the physics of hitting a baseball. These kinds of things happen to me because, essentially, I am a big galoot who hangs around with like-minded knuckleheads.

Badabing! We've got baseball, and we've got words like "galoot" and "knuckleheads." Borsch talks about an old friend name John who sounds at least as unamusing as our favorite editor himself, and states that he is a bona fide purveyor of bull puckey. Google suggests that you spell it "bullpucky," but hey, I'm not one to nitpick.

Well, it turns out John is interested in (surprise!) baseball. Did I mention John is bald? I hope you think that's funny, because it's the only joke there is. Borsch also uses the terms "ballgame" and "ballplayers."

Monday, August 1, 2011
A Connecticut Yankee road trip

Branching out into new territory, Borsch decides to focus this effort on the game of baseball. He disguises it as a "precious moments with my daughter"-type post, but watch what Borsch rambles on about:

Our seats in Yankee Stadium ended up being a few rows behind and a few seats over from where Derek Jeter’s 3,000th hit landed in the leftfield bleachers a few weeks ago. The Yankees’ captain was the first Yankee to reach 3,000 career hits — not Ruth, not Gehrig, not DiMaggio, not Mantle. So Jeter’s accomplishment is a pretty big deal for a franchise that’s experienced a lot of pretty big deals in its existence.

Then later, when they actually get to the University of Hartford: Notable UHART graduates include the singer Dionne Warwick and Houston Astros retired first baseman Jeff Bagwell. Really?

He talks about visiting the home of Mark Twain and tries to impress us by telling us that this was merely his pen name. Gee, such arcane knowledge! Next he'll be telling us Muhammad Ali was just a stage name, too. He says he is "a writer of substantially less note" than Twain. This officially qualifies as the understatement of the millenium. I'm not the biggest Twain fan there is, but the thought of Borsch defiling that house with his presence sickens me.

Monday, August 1, 2011
Right field 'Pence-syl-mania'

Borsch's mind is always striving to expand and improve his art. Witness this column, which delves into the heretofore untouched realm of baseball! Here - not showing any discomfort at exploring such unfamiliar territory - he discusses the arrival of outfielder Hunter "The Mantis" Pence.

Let me pause a moment to say that Borsch is not only a bad writer - he's a cowardly hypocrite as well. A mere seven days ago, he had this to say on his Twitter account: I don't know this guy who the Eagles signed and could care less. And Hunter Pence just isn't that good.

But a mere 24 hours later, he directed this Twitter comment to Pence himself: Welcome to Philly. Will be there tonight in rightfield to greet you.

I hope you greet him with only the mildest applause because, you know, he's just not that good.

[Pence] reacted to the attention by waving to the faithful, tipping his cap a couple of times and turning to acknowledge the fans several times during the game.

Woah, a gracious celeb! Who would have thought? Showing that he is, as always, the consummate writer, Borsch follows that sentence with this one:

Pence wears his pants high, to show a lot of red sock. It’s a good look for him.

First: what the hell? And second: saying someone "wears his pants high" makes you think he has the waistline up around the ribcage, not that he just rolls his socks way up. And suddenly Borsch, the man whose lack fashion sense has fueled many a column, knows what a "good look" for anyone is?

Borsch Reviews a Toilet

OUTTA LEFTFIELD: Not a bidet-dream believer in the electronic toilet seat
Published: Tuesday, July 26, 2011
By Mike Morsch
Executive Editor

Is it a surprise that Borsch is once again writing about a "zany" invention? No. If the topic isn't baseball or a recent local concert, this is basically the only thing left in his repertoire. Another familiar Borsch trick - using song lyrics in sentences - is on full display here.

If you women think that we men monopolize the remote control now, just wait until we all run out and buy the Intelliseat, touted as “the premiere electronic toilet seat on the market today.”

WOW, guys monopolizing the remote! Could it get any fresher than this?

Oddly enough, I wasn’t even the one who discovered the existence of this product. The Blonde Accountant and Daughter of Blonde Accountant were on an advanced scouting trip to Costco for something else recently when they stumbled upon the display for the Intelliseat.

"Advanced scouting trip" is most definitely a baseball reference, although I believe the term is "advance scouting."

This is a common modern-day Borsch offering - long on detail and boring story, short on all but the lamest attempts at humor. For instance, in the next pharagraph he uses the word "schlep" and suggests that he goes to Costco only for the free food samples.

He goes on to list the features of the product (the sheer amount of detail will have you in stitches!) before writing this:

What I found humorous was that printed right on the top of the box were the words, “This end up.” That seemed like a bit of a contradiction because the product actually requires more of a “this end down” approach.

This comic gem is pretty much the high water mark for this column. We get a little jingoism while discussing the word "bidet":

Unfortunately, my knowledge of French is limited to toast, croissants and Maurice Chevalier...

The complexity of the remote control for this device baffles him - it apparently has a baffling array of controls. He then lists nine controls and states: That’s a lot of control for one remote. Has he even seen a modern television or DVD player remote?

When I was describing the various functions on the remote to The Blonde Accountant later at home, she immediately turned into a young Joan Rivers — before all the plastic surgery, of course — and did several minutes of salty and extremely funny jokes, none of which are printable here.

Rats - they would have been the first funny jokes printed in the entire history of Outta Leftfield.

It appears that the Intelliseat, while good for a few laughs, does not appear to be in my future, though. Besides, for this product to really “have my name written all over it,” it would also have to be able to report the baseball scores to me.

Wait a minute - he is a baseball fan or something? We end on a baffling note:

So I’m going to remain hopelessly old-fashioned in this area. While conducting business in the foreseeable future, I’m sticking with paper — news and toilet.

Didn't he publish a post a while back about how Montgomery Newspapers was going to be breaking new ground in online news technology? Unless he means using his own newspaper as tiolet paper. Which would be entirely appropriate.

The Return! ... to a Lame Concert Review

Monday, July 18, 2011
Happy together . . . and forever after

This will be the 3rd (third) piece Borsch has oozed out regarding a single oldies concert he went to.

Before I dive into it, though, I wanted to thank "Anonymous" for asking about my unusual lull in posts. The answer: Borsch has been so boring of late that I couldn't even think of anything to say about his articles. More about this later.

My folks had quite a record collection when I was a kid in 1960s. Much if it was hip for its time — The Beatles, The Beach Boys, Elvis and the like. Mostly though, they seemed to favor music that featured harmonies.

Now I'm no musical scholar, but... doesn't "music that featured harmonies" cover a pretty broad range?

One album I absolutely wore out as a kid was “Insight Out” by The Association. It featured two wonderful songs and big hits — “Windy,” which reached No. 1 in 1967 and “Never My Love,” which climbed to No. 2 that same year.

Boring background details established? Check. Now, I'm sure, we can jump into the gut-busting comedy.

The Association was part of the 2011 Happy Together Tour that stopped at the Keswick Theater last week; I was thrilled to get a chance to hear a band that I so fondly remembered from my youth.

... any second now.

There are three current members of The Association who performed on the “Insight Out” album: Larry Ramos, Russ Giguere and Jim Yester. They are pictured as young men on the album cover.

I had interviewed Larry Ramos to preview the Keswick show and got quite a kick listening to him talk about the music of the 1960s.

See what I mean? This has been the kind of stuff he's produced over the past few weeks. Dull tales about interviewing old musicians. And don't get me wrong, I like The Association - I have "Never My Love" on my iPod. But this is terrible. How could he miss the opportunity for a pun on the name "Yester" - "Seeing Yester Brings Back Memories of Yesteryear," for example?

The copy of “Insight Out” that my folks had is long gone, but I found another original copy of the album at a record store in Chestnut Hill a few weeks before the show. I was hoping to get a chance to meet The Association guys and have them sign my album.

Come on, he can't even say something like, "I really wanted to associate with The Association"? Not even making an attempt anymore!

Fortunately, I got to do just that. But it almost didn’t happen.

Ah - suspense, thy name is Borsch.

I shared the Happy Together concert with Older Daughter, which was lucky for me. She was riding shotgun during the autograph-getting portion after the show. I had already secured the signatures of Giguere and Yester on the album cover when Ramos came out for the meet-and-greet. I was so excited to meet him that I forgot to ask him to sign the album. I’m getting older, too, I guess.

This story loses some of its punch when we already know that he will eventually get the signature. If Borsch made "The 6th Sense," he would have included a little disclaimer at the beginning: "You might think Bruce Willis is still alive during some parts of this movie. However, he's actually a ghost. Now, here's the story!"

“Dad, the album!” said Older Daughter, saving the day. The picture that accompanies this item shows Ramos completing the Association autograph trifecta for me.
My daughter, whose big-deal music group is N’SYNC, was familiar with only a few of the songs from the Happy Together show, which also included appearances by The Buckinghams (“Kind of a Drag”); The Grass Roots (“Midnight Confessions”); Mark Lindsay of Paul Revere and the Raiders (“Kicks”); and The Turtles (“Happy Together”).

Again, I'll refer to how Borsch describes himself on his own Twitter account - "Humor columnist dealing with life's little stupidities." Just be honest, sir. That's all I ask.

In addition to meeting the guys from The Association, we also got to meet Carl Giammarese of the Buckinghams and Howard Kaylan of The Turtles and get their signatures.
When I introduced Kaylan to Older Daughter, he said, “You should thank your father for introducing you to good music.”

Is this the joke? I think this is as close to a joke as we're going to get.

With all due respect to N’SYNC, Kaylan is right. There was some great, great music in the 1960s. Older Daughter and I enjoyed seeing all those talented musicians whose songs have stayed with me all these years.

You might say we were happy together.

Pah! This post began and ended on such a saccharine note I think it gave me diabetes. "Happy together... and forever after" sounds like the tagline of some drippy romantic comedy, not how you'd describe an outing with your adult daughter. And are we to believe that seeing this concert - just like keeping score during that Phillies game - will be one of those moments his daughter will relate to her grandchildren years from now?

Please also note - celebrities signing autographs and taking pictures with fans was a featured theme in this post, although he didn't rave about it as he usually does.

Labels: Keswick Theater, Mike Morsch, Montomgery Newspapers, Outta Leftfield, The Association, The Buckinghams, The Turtles

Borsch Unamusingly Gets a Hat

OUTTA LEFTFIELD: Hats amore: No need now to kick the bucket lid
Published: Tuesday, June 21, 2011
By Mike Morsch
Executive Editor

It took some doing but I finally got a new lid.

Wahoooo, what zany adventures did he have searching for a new hat? Maybe he wants to buy a ridiculous hat of some sort, and his wife advises against it? Maybe he refers to famous hats from TV shows? Maybe some of his previous hats have been, shall we say, less than stylish?

For the past few years, I’ve been going round and round with The Blonde Accountant about my choice of headgear. I have more baseball caps than I can count and I wear different ones for different occasions. She has absolutely no problem with me wearing the baseball caps.

I think he should be true to form and refer to them as "baseball ballcaps."

But for a while now, I have wanted to branch out — to have options — some different and stylish hats available that were maybe a little more sophisticated than just a ballcap.

You could just say "cap."

Besides, I’m growing a bald spot on the back of my noodle and wearing something to cover that is becoming more imperative during the summer months because the reflection is starting to blind drivers and create traffic hazards.

If he had just jammed a few more words into that sentence, just imagine how much funnier it would have been! Bald guys with shiny heads, where does he GET this stuff?

So after much pondering, I have decided to toss my hat into the ring when it comes to my favorites: the Panama straw hat, the Frank Sinatra fedora, the Rocky low rider felt hat and the Gilligan bucket hat.

Reference to TV show hat: check.

Well, none of those choices impressed The Blonde Accountant.

Wife advising against choice of hat: check.

She does not wear hats and is of the general opinion that if I didn’t wear hats either, it just might be easier for me to pull my head out once in a while.

Huh? Pull his head out? I don't get that.

“You look stupid in that hat,” was the typical refrain any time I tried one on during the thousands of shopping excursions I’ve been on with her in the past six years.

“But Frank Sinatra looked cool in this hat,” I would counter.

Wow, a proper use of "counter" as a verb! I'm starting to suspect he doesn't know any other words to use in these situations.

All together now: “Well, you’re not Frank Sinatra.”

Last summer I thought I had found the perfect hat, a Sinatra cool fedora straw hat with a blue band. It was perfect. And I’m not just talking through my hat on that.

Ha... ha... ha. "Sinatra cool fedora straw hat" is one of the worst phrases I have ever heard - "cool Sinatra straw fedora" makes about 1,000,000 times more sense.

Apparently merely invoking the name of Sinatra is not enough to get this hat onto my head in public. I still have it sitting on my dresser hoping that someday it will become acceptably fashionable for the particular coconut that I am forced to carry around. At this point, though, I’m not allowed out of the house wearing it unless I am on my way to throw it in the trash.

Previous hats not being stylish: check. "Noodle," "coconut"... how many substitutes for "head" can we use?

Throughout the whole hat discussion, I always have thought my fallback position would be the Gilligan bucket hat. Surely I couldn’t look any stupider than Gilligan in a bucket hat. Turns out I was wrong about that.

"Stupider." Nice.

But the real game changer was leaving the hat decision in the hands of The Blonde Accountant for the past year or so. And why not? She already picks out all of my clothes, so there’s no reason she can’t pick out the hats, too. I figured as long as she was the one doing the choosing, then I couldn’t look stupid wearing one of her fashion decisions.

Turns out that I was wrong about that, too. Even with the hat decision squarely in her jurisdiction, my noggin was still bare all these many months.

Read those two paragraphs again. I dare you to try and figure out what the hell he's talking about. "Noggin" - synonym #3.

That is, until Father’s Day last weekend. I finally got a hat from The Blonde Accountant. And I didn’t even have to pass the hat to get it.

See that? See what he did there? We're talking about hats, so he used a phrase that has "hat" in it. It's clever! And FUNNY!

It is indeed the bucket hat that has finally won out. It is olive in color with an orange, gray and navy blue band. Of course, I got a whole new outfit that includes a golf shirt and flat-front shorts, and the hat is a perfectly coordinated accessory. That in itself shows you how far I’ve come in my fashion sense: I now know what accessories are.

Alright, we know he's dumb, unattractive, his breath smells, he spills things, he doesn't "get" shopping, etc etc etc... but really? "What's an accessory? My wife hides the dictionary!"

According to online research, the bucket hat, also known as a fishing hat, is a soft cotton hat with a wide and downwards sloping brim. A similar hat is used by the U.S. Navy and is called a “Dixie Cup” hat.

Why did he need to research what one looks like? He has one!!!

It has other names as well. In Australia, for example, it is called a “giggle hat.” Apparently the Australians think it’s a stupid-looking hat too if it has elicited so much laughter that the word “giggle” has been worked into its name.

This is spectacularly uninteresting and unamusing.

I can’t wait to try out my new hat, especially when we go down the shore this summer. I am a shoobie by nature, so maybe the new hat will help me look a little less out of place at the shore.

I don't know what a "shoobie" is. Nor do I wish to know.

Of course, with the new bucket hat will come bucket hat head. I’m not sure how to prevent that but I am going to try to convince The Blonde Accountant that hat head would be less of a problem in an as yet unused Sinatra cool fedora straw hat with a blue band. And hey, I just happen to have one of those sitting on my dresser.

Good lord, his writing is so cumbersome! I mean, look at it - look at how he puts words together. How on Earth this man is a published writer is beyond my ken. Saying "cool fedora straw hat" is akin to saying "cool Lamborghini red car."

If she goes for that, I’ll have to tip my hat to her.

And it wouldn't be a Borsch column if he didn't end it on a cheesy pun! But what, may I ask, is the meaning of the title - "No need to kick the bucket lid"? I know he gets a bucket hat, but... what the heck? I'll list this one under "Men are Dumb," due to the fact that, once again, his wife knows more about something than he does.

Borsch - Comedy Scholar

Monday, June 20, 2011
The key was not under my brother

I didn’t know this beforehand, but it turns out Billy Gardell’s mom and my mom have something in common: They both seem to not quite grasp the intricacies of hiding a house key under the front door mat.

My first question was, "Who is Billy Gardell?"

Gardell, star of the hit television series “Mike and Molly,” is also a successful stand-up comic, and like most comics, his ability to observe human nature and then turn it into compelling storytelling can be quite entertaining.

Do comics really engage in much "compelling storytelling"? I Googled Mr. Gardell and found the following information about his "hit" show: he stars as "Mike Biggs," an overweight police officer (his name is BIGGS! GET IT???). He meets a woman at an Overeaters Anonymous meeting and they become "an unlikely pair" (comedy - and fat jokes - ahoy!).

But watch out - they must confront "comments, jokes and criticism" from Mike's "fast-talking partner." Other characters are a "slim, drug-addicted sister," a "nymphomaniac mother" and "a Senegalese waiter" (foreigners are funny!). This show sounds terrible, and is thus right up Borsch's alley.

So there were plenty of laughs to go around Friday night at the Keswick Theater in Glenside. And the key for comedians is to tell stories that the rest of us can relate to.

Wow, attending a local show at the Keswick! If only it was the Sellersville Theater, the cliche would be complete. I like how he's pontificating about comedy like he teaches a college seminar on it or something.

I didn’t get all the details because I was giggling too much, but one of Gardell’s bits included something about his mom leaving a house key under the front door mat for him, then leaving a note on the front door telling him the key was under the mat.

So at the Dennis Miller show, Borsch didn't laugh as much as he hoped. For comedic genius Billy Gardell, he was laughing so hard he couldn't even hear the jokes.

During the summer of 1978, I had completed my first year of college, which for me meant that I had completed my first year of college partying. By the time that summer rolled around, I wasn’t exactly interested in ending the college party season.

This "all I did at college was party" thing is becoming a prominent Borsch trope. It also makes me wonder how he got this job.

One night I was out with my buddies, doing what 19-year-old guys do, and I didn’t get home until around 2 a.m. I’m not sure why, but my parents had not given me a house key.

Compelling storytelling at its finest here, folks.

I opened the screen door to see a note, in my mother’s handwriting, on the front door, barely illuminated by the street light. It read: “The key is under your brother.”
In my state of heightened unawareness, my first thought was: “Why is my brother on the front porch and why is he sitting on the house key?” Six years my junior, he would have been around 12 or 13 years old and it would have been well past his bedtime.

Imagine a stand-up comic using this material. It would bring down the house, right? Right? The crickets would be chirping so loud you couldn't hear the jokes.

It took me a few moments of controlled confusion to deduce that I did indeed know where the key was.

Wow, "heightened unawareness," "controlled confusion"... he's really trying to sound brainy here.

My brother’s name is . . . Matt.
I often wonder if a burglar who hadn’t been out with his buddies all night would have been able to figure it out. Apparently, my mom didn’t think sober burglars would know my brother’s name.

The end? I know I often complain that Borsch uses one lame joke for an entire post. Does it count when a post literally exists to tell a single, lame joke?

Labels: Billy Gardell, Keswick Theater, Mike Morsch, Montgomery Newspapers, Outta Leftfield

The Pool Saga Continues

Souderton pool set for Monday, June 20 opening
Published: Friday, June 17, 2011
By Emily Morris
Managing Editor

Are we sure this time?

“We’re hoping by 2 p.m. on Monday to have the gates open,” Borough Manager Michael Coll reported to Souderton Borough Council...

"Hoping"? I would "hope" that you'd know for sure less than three days away.

While the borough hopes to have the competition pool ready for opening day...

There's that word again. How are they not certain?

In response to concerns about the pool’s late opening, the borough has decided to extend the discounted early membership purchase period through July 31. For a family membership with two adults, Souderton Borough residents or full YMCA members, that would be a cost of $275 for the season, plus $5 per dependent, rather than $290.

WOW! A $15 discount! Keep in mind, this pool should have been opened on May 30 - 22 days late (and counting).

In response to an article in last week’s paper where a resident told the Independent she and some neighbors felt the cost for pool memberships was too high, council members noted the new pool had to meet certain requirements including zero depth entry, and the filtration system on the old pool failed.

Um... the cost of the pool is STILL too high. See my "Hero of the Week" entry regarding this totally awesome resident.

Councilman Jeff Gross noted that if residents prefer a pool with fewer amenities that might have cheaper membership rates, they are able to join that type of pool.

“Our prices are based on the facility that we have here in Souderton,” Gross said.

Ah, Souderton arrogance at its finest! "If you don't like our pool, you're welcome to join a crappier one elsewhere." The point is, this pool is TOO EXPENSIVE FOR SOUDERTON. PEOPLE DON'T MAKE ENOUGH. And Mr. Gross, before you start banishing potential members to other pools, you should really make sure this pool doesn't turn into a massive debt-creating millstone around your gaily bearded neck.

The borough has a $500,000 contingency available from Univest if it meets certain needs, and Coll said the borough will likely have to use some part of that money when all is said and done.

BINGO! Here's what I wrote over a year ago: Now apparently, Council plans to use that extra $500,000 as an "emergency" fund in case costs go over estimate (which they inevitably will). "It's our responsibility to not tap into that half million," said Council Prez Brian Goshow at the time.

Somebody might want to remind him of that "responsibility" now that he's failed at it.

Goshow said the borough also has to transition to the experience level of running the new pool.

“We’re in year one now,” Goshow said. “Our previous experience was in year 55, 56, 57.”

Ah, so for the first 40 or 50 years, their failure to make a profit on this boondoggle will be because they haven't "transitioned" to the "experience level" of running this pool (which is totally different from the old pool... how?).

Council members also questioned whether there might be any ability to negotiate with the pool contractors because the pool was not completed for a May 30 opening as originally planned...

Gross noted there could be an argument that some projects were held up for the contractors until the borough crew completed its portion, but that goes both ways.

So in other words, don't expect much back because it was probably Souderton's fault to begin with.

Goshow said he spoke with Wayne Wade of Wade Associates, pool designer and consultant, who noted a pool similar to Souderton’s had earned $11,000 on Memorial Day weekend.

“The reality is not being open is costing us severely,” Goshow said.

HA! I'm loving this! They blew 2 million bucks on this new pool, they'll have to use some (or all) of a 500k emergency fund, nobody is joining, AND they're losing money because they're opening so late. Way to go!

Residents of Souderton - fire all of these idiots.

Guys Say Dumb Things

OUTTA LEFTFIELD: Father's Day marks the 'Silly Sayings Season' for dads
Published: Thursday, June 16, 2011
By Mike Morsch
Executive Editor

Oh joy! It's been at LEAST two or three columns since we've had one focusing on dumb guys and the dumb things they say. Will there be a "Hey kids, get off my lawn" reference? Something about grilling (and burning) food, perhaps?

Dads say the silliest things. It seems to be part of their essential fabric, kind of like wearing Bermuda shorts with black socks and dress shoes and considering it a cutting-edge fashion statement.

So fresh! What, no reference to playing golf or moving to Florida?

My dad had a boatload of favorite sayings, only a few of which didn’t contain a profanity of some sort. It’s one of the many things I miss about him now that he’s gone.

I swear, if he rips off another Jeff Foxworthy routine, I'm going to lose it.

As a school superintendent in a different era, he didn’t use profanities around the students. But he was used to giving directives and having the students follow them. Immediately, if not sooner.

“Don’t just stand there with your teeth in your mouth and your elbow halfway up your arm,” he would say after issuing an order. The literal meaning was, “Get moving!” But the teeth and elbow part of that phrase always seemed to confuse kids, and they’d tilt their heads like dogs hearing a high-pitched sound while they tried to process the information.

Is this really "things dads say"? Shouldn't it be "things school superintendents in a different era say"?

“Wait … my teeth are already in my mouth and my elbow is already … oh, I get it.”

Another of my dad’s favorites that I could never completely interpret was: “Well I’ll be kiss your fanny.” It was an expanded, “Well I’ll be … ” as an exclamation of surprise, but I can’t figure out the “kiss your fanny” part. Kissing fanny was never part of his repertoire, so I’m not sure why he would suggest that he was in such a position.

I'd say kissing fanny is VERY much a part of Borsch's repertoire - witness his interview with every celebrity who is not Dennis Miller.

But no matter how goofy or silly it sounded, I think my dad got a kick out of entertaining himself with language, a character trait I seem to have inherited from him.

You may entertain yourself, sir, but you entertain no one else. Borsch "entertaining himself" with the language is akin to a boy "entertaining himself" by pulling the wings off flies.

My theory on why dads say silly things is that in general, they are characters. Dads have no problem picking their noses, scratching their hind ends, creating funny sounds with various parts of their bodies (would a woman ever have thought of the hand-in-the-armpit tooting routine?), using the great outdoors as their personal rest room and belching the ABCs. I can’t imagine my mom, wife, daughters, stepdaughter, mother-in-law or boss doing any of those things.

And there you have it: dads (he clearly means all guys) are characters who do all kinds of rude, crude things. Right? HA! In all his years he has NEVER explored territory like this before. Guys being dumb, goofy and slobby! This slays me!

When I became a dad, I considered it one of my parental duties to say silly things. But I only use a few of them when my kids are around. The R-rated ones I save for my buddies.

What exactly are the "R-rated" antics? I'm seriously trying to think of what they could be. Violently killing someone? Explicit sexual material?

For example, when we pull into a store parking lot and there is an open space close to the door, I will exclaim, “Executive parking! Did you call ahead?”

Since this immediately follows the "R-rated" remark, one would think this would be an example of such uncensored antics. This is not only pathetically G-rated, but pathetically lame and stupid as well.

Oddly enough, when I’m driving, the closest open parking space is usually in Delaware,

He used this same "can't find nearby parking" gag at least twice in his post about shopping on Memorial Day.

so I don’t get to use that phrase as often. But when The Blonde Accountant is behind the wheel and I’m riding shotgun, she has this uncanny good fortune of finding open parking spots close to the door virtually every single time. It’s almost like the parking lot realizes that she is wearing fabulous-looking shoes, but that having to walk very far in them will most certainly hurt her feet.

Women wearing nice shoes! He's only used that gag 500 times.

Many of my favorites, though, come from movies and they are for the guys only. My dad’s exclamation of surprise was tame compared to my “You gotta be bleepin’ me, Pyle!” That comes from the movie “Full Metal Jacket.”

Really? Because he throws the "sh*ts" and "a$$es" around quite liberally on his Twitter account. Let's hope the kids can't access them Internets!

Older Daughter never knew where that saying came from, and why would she? “Full Metal Jacket” isn’t a movie for kids. But just a few months ago, she and her husband were watching the movie and when the line was said, she jumped up and pointed to the TV, exclaiming, “That’s what my dad always says!”

And thus a lifetime of unoriginality was laid bare. And didn't he just say that these phrases were "for the guys only"? Yet his daughter knows it so well she only identifies it with him?

(I believe that in that instance, my dad would have said, “Well I’ll be kiss your fanny!” at the realization of where the phrase originated. And I think it would have been funnier had Older Daughter had the wherewithal to channel her grandfather there.)

If you say "in that instance," you don't have to add, "at the realization of where the phrase originated." It's already covered.

Another of my favorites: When somebody asks me to do something that is well within my areas of expertise, I respond, “You think this is the first hole I ever dug?” That’s a Joe Pesci line straight out of “Goodfellas.”

So this is not so much "silly things dads say" as "lines I repeat from movies."

I also take several lines from “Animal House,” the cleanest of which is “Good, good, good!” That one is said by Faber College’s Dean Vernon Wormer when he finds out the Delta House guys’ grades are bad enough to get them expelled. I utilize “Good, good, good!” during those times when I experience something that’s, well … good. Upon further reflection, maybe there isn’t a whole lot of creativity exhibited in the execution of this line.

There isn't a whole lot of creativity in anything he does, really.

Makes the hand-in-the-armpit tooting routine seem downright brilliant, doesn’t it?

I'd say that much of Borsch's material is equal in quality to armpit-created fart noises, actually.

On this Father’s Day weekend, I encourage all you silly dads to not just stand there with your teeth in your mouth and your elbow halfway up your arm waiting for someone to kiss your fanny. Get out and enjoy the day. If you’re lucky, you just might find some executive parking in your travels, which would be good, good, good!

I'm so glad that the average American dad is much, much more clever than this.

As for those Bermuda shorts with the black socks and dress shoes … you gotta be bleepin’ me, Pyle.

Just to sum up, this column seemed to promise a number of universal "dad" phrases. You know, things he has culled from a lifetime observing others. What we got was the following:

(1) Something his dad said to students (not his own kids)
(2) Something his dad used to say (to anyone, presumably)
(3) Something Borsch says in parking lots (he only mentions his wife, not his kids)
(4) 3 movie lines Borsch repeats (but not to his kids, because they're "for guys only")

So basically NONE of the "sayings" he relates are in any way tied with fatherhood OR with Father's Day. They aren't things he says to his kids; they aren't things he says to other parents. They're just random quotes from people who happen to be fathers. Nice effort, Borsch.

Hero of the Week: Lauren Hagelgans

Souderton resident questions pool membership cost
Published: Friday, June 10, 2011
By Erin DuBois
Associate Editor

The saga continues, folks!

Temperatures are not the only thing on the rise in Souderton. Some borough residents say the rising cost of pool membership may keep them from beating the heat this summer.

“The prices have skyrocketed from what they were,” said Lauren Hagelgans. “I understand that they put $3 million into the pool, but we didn’t ask them to. We didn’t get raises.”

Ms. Hagelgans is awesome. As she states, in 2009 a single-parent family membership was $130; this year's cost will be $250 through June 30, $265 after, and an extra $5 per child. The increases at every level are fairly massive.

But according to Souderton Borough Manager P. Michael Coll, comparing prices with other local aquatic centers provides a more fair comparison...

“You simply can’t compare the rate to what we were charging in 2009,” Coll said.

Of course not - because comparing it to 2009 makes it look really, really bad. So he comparies it to pools in Hatfield and Perkasie, which are slightly more expensive. Here are some figures Coll fails to mention (from Wikipedia):

Souderton Avg. Income - $47,437 (Household), $57,200 (Family)
Perkasie Avg. Income - $52,000 (Household), $57,247 (Family)
Hatfield Avg. Income - $57,247 (Household), $68,409 (Family)

So can you really compare those rates, either? What a dope.

"It’s really not the same and the community is not the same,” Hagelgans said of comparing Souderton to other municipalities. “I’m not saying we’re low income but we’re certainly not high income families.”

God bless you, Ms. Hagelgans. Stick it to them! Stick it to them good! Just destroyed his entire argument.

“We keep venting and nothing happens,” Hagelgans said.

"Keep venting and nothing happens" is Borough Council's motto.

Souderton’s rates reflect the investment the borough put into the pool, Coll said. Borough council voted 5-4 in favor of the project when it was faced with the decision of eliminating swimming because of the condition of the old pool.

“There was quite a lot of debate to move this project forward,” Coll said.

I don't see how the fact that it was a close vote makes it any easier to eat an extra $100 a year.

The donations will help soften the debt service but the borough will still need to kick in some additional money from the general fund, Coll said.

Well well, what a surprise! Souderton takes on debt it can't handle.

A cold winter and rainy spring pushed back the scheduled Memorial Day opening to June 20, but some construction will occur after the pool opens.
...
“Safety is certainly a concern,” Coll said. “If we can’t get the permits and don’t feel it’s a safe environment, we certainly won’t be able to open.”

What happened to the "confidence" we had that the pool would open on time? Sounds like someone is hedging awfully hard...

More likely, however, the leisure pool would open with the competition pool lagging behind a few days, Coll said.

Some amenities like deck furniture and picnic tables may be missing until a little later in the season...

Be honest - this is going to be a disaster, isn't it? Sounds like someone (a Borough Manager, perhaps) should have managed things a little bit better.

Hagelgans, however, said that she is left with the option of not swimming, the same option she had before the borough decided to refurbish the pool.

“I’ve lived in Souderton six years and this doesn’t make me want to stay here,” Hagelgans said. “I don’t think this $3 million pool is going to attract people to move to the borough.”

BINGO. Ms. Hagelgans, you should run for Mayor. Or Council. Or, heck, put in an application for Borough Manager! You've got more brains than any of them. This woman is a champion, and Souderton needs more like her or they're going to lose EVERYONE like her. Lauren Hagelgans, wherever you are, you are our first (and probably only) ever Hero of the Week.

The Cliche Train Keeps Rolling

Rightfield. Cheesesteak. Spillage. Beautimous.
3 hours ago via Twitter for Android

Amazing. He just never stops.

Leather Materials are Amusing

OUTTA LEFTFIELD: Getting coached on the intricacies of genuine water buffalo
Published: Tuesday, June 07, 2011

Dare I guess that Borsch is about to write about a topic he doesn't fully understand and about the merits of which he is rather dubious?

Here’s a sentence I never thought I’d write: I’m now carrying a water buffalo in my pocket.

Uh ... I may need a bigger pocket.

Is this supposed to be a "we're gonna need a bigger boat" Jaws reference?

There just aren’t too many daily situations or conversations where the words “water buffalo” come into play. In fact, the first and only water buffalo reference I can remember in my life was when I was a kid watching “The Flintstones.”

This is great - we aren't even on-topic yet and we're already off-topic!

Fred and Barney were members of the Loyal Order of Water Buffaloes Lodge No. 26, whose members wore really cool hats with horns and whose president was called The Grand Poobah. For you cartoon trivia buffs, the lodge’s secret password was “Ack, Ack, A-Dak.”

... This isn't funny.

But the water buffalo entered my life once again on this past Memorial Day. With no better plans in the offing — and that alone exposes a major flaw in our family’s holiday planning procedures — we found ourselves out at Limerick Outlet Mall with about a bazillion other people who obviously thought that shopping was a better option than having a picnic or going to a ballgame on a holiday weekend.

Morsch tortures the English language with his keyboard like a Medieval turnkey tortured peasants with the rack. He gets a perverse pleasure out of stretching sentences far past their normal limits.

Of course, some of the reason for the big crowd had to do with the big sales going on, which I’m told by the shopping experts in the family is not an unusual occurrence on Memorial Day.

How many things can this man not know about??? I know it's part of the "joke" that he doesn't know things, but really, sales on Memorial Day? Will he claim ignorance re: Black Friday sales next?

That the sales attracted a crowd was immediately evident upon our arrival to the outlet mall. The number of cars in the parking lot suggested the nearest open parking spot might be in King of Prussia.

So after stating that "a bazillion people" were at the Outlets, we once again have to establish that a lot of people were there (a bazillion, by the way, is also the number of years ago Babe Ruth did something in baseball, according to a recent column).

Swell. Fortunately, my exercise routine includes walking several miles a week, so I was not intimidated.

Watch out men - this guy walks with the best of them!

I dropped the shoppers off near the point in the mall where they intended to spend my money and went in search of a parking spot, which I eventually did find in the back 40 of the lot.

So after stating how scarce parking was... we once again have to state how scarce parking was.

As I was making my way in from the parking lot, a text message arrived from The Blonde Accountant: “At the Coach store, and it’s a jailbreak.”

“Jailbreak” is a term in our family that we use to mean, “It’s crazy-go-nuts with people in here.”

Uh-oh - cue the "heart" of the story, which I'm guessing will be how guys don't understand the Coach phenomenon.

Gentlemen, if you’ve never experienced a jailbreak at a Coach store having a sale, it’s a real treat. Imagine hundreds of women overdosing on the smell of leather and the potential to snag an overpriced handbag or wallet at a somewhat reasonable price.

Does he actually think he's the first to comment on these cultural trends? People were making jokes about overpriced, trendy Coach bags four or five years ago.

In what may be a surprising detail to some of you, I occasionally shop at the Coach store, despite the fact that it does not serve beer with its handbags.

Beer joke! The hits keep on comin'!

The reason I do is that the founders of the company drew inspiration from a leather baseball glove to create handbags with the same concept where the more they are used, the softer and smoother they become. Given that connection, straight from the company bio, The Blonde Accountant has yet to be convinced that we can have a catch using a couple of her Coach handbags as ball gloves.

Good Lord. This man really cannot write a column in which he doesn't employ at least half a dozen of his personal cliches. Not only does he work baseball into a discussion about purses, he even inserts a "ballpark" and a "ballglove."

By the way, look at that first sentence. It's as bloated and clumsy as Borsch himself. I'd be embarassed to turn in a college paper with a sentence like that, let alone a published column. What a hack.

So I carry both a Coach wallet and money clip, which usually is just wishful thinking on my part because after I pay for the wallet, there isn’t anything left to put in the money clip.

This presents something of a "chicken and the egg" conundrum - if his money clip is always empty because he has just paid for a wallet, how can he always carry both a wallet and a money clip?

But I was in need of both, and the big Coach sale provided me the opportunity to purchase them, but only after being knocked down seven times by the scores of women flitting about the store in their leather-induced haze.

Seven must be a funny number to Borsch (see "seven kinds of heck"). So he has a wallet, a money clip empty because he had to pay for the wallet, and a need to purchase both a wallet in money clip. This should be impossible.

It was only when we got home at the end of the shopping excursion that The Blonde Accountant pointed out a detail that I had overlooked.

“Did you know that your new wallet is made of water buffalo?” she said.

COMEDY!

“What? Water buffalo? Since when did water buffalo move to the top of the leather wallet food chain? You’re making that up,” I said.

He never said that. Totally fictional exchange.

Apparently not. In the Coach shopping bag there was a card that was slipped in by the checker that detailed how to care for a water buffalo wallet. It read: “Do not use Coach Leather Cleaner or Moisturizer on water buffalo accessories. Ink marks or grease stains should be left untreated; most will eventually blend into the darker leathers. Scratches or scuffs can generally be removed simply by rubbing them with your fingertips until the natural oils in your hand cause the marks to disappear.”

Is all that supposed to be funny? Did we really need to read the whole text of the card?

To which I responded: “There is a whole line of water buffalo accessories?” Besides, I never cared enough about a wallet to care for it anyway.

Keep in mind, we're now two paragraphs away from the end of the story, and we're just now reaching the "point" - which is that his wallet is dumb, I guess.

So now I carry a water buffalo wallet in my pocket. My sense is that now qualifies me to use the Loyal Order of Water Buffaloes Lodge secret password of “Ack, Ack, A-Dak,” which I’ve come to believe in prehistoric English means, “Show us your Coach water buffalo wallet and empty money clip.”

This money clip/wallet thing makes no sense. Another thing making no sense is the "water buffalo in my pocket" joke from the beginning. Hey, I'm wearing a cow on my feet! And a sheep on my body! Har dee har har har.

And as a bonus, I’m looking forward to wearing the Water Buffalo hat, if for no other reason than as protective headgear. It should be the perfect accessory for the next big Coach sale.

Terrible. I understand this is just a small newspaper group and all, but this is the best they can do for a "humor" column? And how desperate were they for an editor that they hired this guy?

Yet Another Jane Seymour Article

Monday, June 6, 2011
Seeing more of Jane

Jane Seymour was already one of the "top interviews of 2010." Much like the Stooges convention, Ms. Seymour's annual return to the Wentworth Gallery provides endless repeat material for Borsch.

Jane Seymour was in town again last weekend and I volunteered to put in extra hours after my regular shift to go out and interview her. I’ll tell you, all we do around here is work, work, work.

Does he get paid any kind of overtime for this? No wonder he hogs all the celebrity interviews.

For the third straight year, Ms. Seymour had a showing of her original paintings and sculptures at Wentworth Gallery in the King of Prussia Plaza. She’s becoming a regular here in suburban Philly.

I suppose so, if appearing in one place 3 out of 1,095 days makes you a "regular."

The film and television star — and let’s not forget, a Bond Girl as well, and we know that James Bond didn’t hang around with any unattractive women — was once again stunning, this time in a purple dress and peep-toed black heels.

That's up for debate - recall Rosie Carver from Ms. Seymour's own Live and Let Die. Few things disgust me more than Borsch droolingly describing a woman.

Among her many projects — she’s fresh off a gig as a correspondent for Entertainment Tonight covering the recent Royal Wedding between Prince William and Kate Middleton — Ms. Seymour has become a serious painter over the past several years. Her work is for serious art collectors with serious wallets.

How many dashed-off asides can he work into this story? His actual interview is full of them, and they're often completely unrelated to the sentence into which they're planted.

My wallet is genuine water buffalo and there is nothing serious about it. Or what’s in it. Admittedly, though, when it comes to Jane Seymour, I seriously wish my name was Roger Moore and it was 1973 again.

So basically: "I can't afford her paintings, but I wish I had sex with her when she was 22." You're not worthy to say the name "Roger Moore," sir. There doesn't need to be a comma between "admittedly" and "though."

She’s always been a good interview and she does a nice job interacting with the fans and collectors at the gallery events.

ALERT! ALERT! GRACIOUS CELEBRITY IN THE AREA! Residents should prepare for fan interaction, picture posing, and polite replies to interviewer questions.

In addition, Wentworth gallery Director Tom Curley always puts on an elegant soiree for Ms. Seymour, one befitting a Hollywood star.

One thing about these local events (save the Dennis Miller comedy show): Borsch never has a bad thing to say about any of them. Is it any wonder his work is so edgy and controversial?

My favorite pieces this year were self portraits of her and the late Christopher Reeve from the 1980 film “Somewhere in Time,” in which they both starred.

Why? What did he like about them? What did they look like?

Covering these art gallery shows starring Jane Seymour can be tough duty, what with all the wine sipping I have to do while holding a video camera and conducting an interview.
But hey, somebody has to do it.

In his "Best Interviews of 2010" article, Borsch says this in reference to last year's Jane Seymour article: "It was pretty much the same... story as the one I wrote last year when she appeared at the gallery." So there you have it - three straight years of basically the same material.

If Borsch really is, as he claims, a "humor columnist dealing with life's little stupidities"... what was stupid about this basic story? What was humorous about it?

Labels: Jane Seymour, Mike Morsch, Montgomery Newspapers, Outta Leftfield, Wentworth Gallery

Field of Lames

So I was sitting around the other day thinking, "Boy, it's been at least a few days since Borsch has written an article about baseball!"

OUTTA LEFTFIELD: It took 19 innings to score a treasured father-daughter memory
Published: Wednesday, June 01, 2011
By Mike Morsch
Executive Editor

"Score." Because you score runs in baseball.

There’s always been a rule in our family: Never leave a ballgame early. It’s not only because something fun or unusual might happen, but because we go to the ballpark to enjoy the game, its sounds, smells and ambiance, not because we want to leave early and beat the traffic home.

First paragraph and we already have a "ballgame" and a "ballpark." I wonder if he brought his ballglove to catch a foul baseballball!

Well, the Phillies certainly tested that rule last week with their 19-inning tilt against the Cincinnati Reds.

And yep, I was there. For … the … whole … thing. All six hours and 14 minutes’ worth.

He makes it sound like this is a big chore, after a whole paragraph spent extolling the virtues of staying the whole game.

Joining me for the bonus baseball was Older Daughter, who has grown up with the family’s rules and is well aware of them.

That's a little redundant, isn't it? She grew up with them. AND is well aware of them! Also, she knows them!

I had reminded her in passing as the game entered the 10th inning that we never leave a game early. At that point, neither of us suspected we’d be there for another nine innings.

“I know the family rule,” she said matter-of-factly.

Isn't THIS a little redundant? The story so far: he established that the Morsch family stays for extra innings, and Older Daughter knows that. Then Morsch reminds Older Daughter that they stay for extra innings, and she confirms that she knows that.

As if to further demonstrate her understanding of the family rules, she turned to me after the 18th inning and said: “It would be kind of a half-assed effort on our part if we were to leave after the 18th inning, wouldn’t it?”

Woah woah woah, not even a warning that this column contains PG-13 material? He warns viewers to look away when he discusses poop, but tosses a casual "ass" out there?

Atta girl. When one’s daughter describes a six-hour, 18-inning effort at 1 a.m. as “half-assed” if we don’t see it through to the end, then that demonstrates a pretty good grasp of the We Never Leave a Ballgame Early Rule.

Nice elaborate made-up title. Also, this is the third time we've established that Older Daughter knows this rule.

Given my affinity for hotdogs mentioned in this space over the years, you might think a 19-inning ballgame would provide more than an ample opportunity to see if I could eat every hotdog in the ballpark.

Ballgame! Ballpark! Hot dogs! Is Borsch trying to do an Adam West Batman-style self-parody?

Oddly enough, I didn’t have a single dog that evening, which in hindsight is admittedly an error in judgment. I’m going to have to make a new family rule to address that: Never Go to a Ballgame Without Eating at Least a Half Dozen Hotdogs.

He might also create a The More Words I Use the Funnier I Become rule. How many little asides does he need to make a sentence amusing? "Oddly enough," "in hindsight," "admittedly"... These are the things that probably look hilarious to him while he's piling them on, but try actually reading them.

Among the unique aspects of the game was that the Phils’ winning pitcher ended up being position player Wilson Valdez, who became the first player to start a game in the field and end up getting the win on the hill since Babe Ruth did it a bazillion years ago. Raise your hand if you thought the names Babe Ruth and Wilson Valdez would ever be mentioned in the same sentence for any reason.

Was this one of the great memories he shared with Older Daughter? She seems to have vanished... Borsch is punishing us with all these extra details. Given all the clauses he jams into that first sentence is "getting the win on the hill" really necessary? Where else would you get the win?

I enjoyed having both a Seventh Inning Stretch and a 14th Inning Stretch, where we got to sing “Take Me Out to the Ballgame” twice in the same game. I have no doubt that if we had made it to the 21st inning, we would have sung again. (At one point on the scoreboard, it was revealed that the Phillies longest game in team history was a 21-inning contest against the Chicago Cubs in 1918.)

Too... many... unnecessary... baseball facts! Shouldn't there be an apostrophe after "Phillies"?

However, the most unusual and challenging aspect for Older Daughter and me ended up being the keeping of the scorecard.

Pathetic.

I’ve kept a scorecard at every game I’ve been to since I was a kid. And now as an adult, she has expressed an interest in that part of going to the ballgame, and I have been teaching her the intricacies of scorecard keeping the past few games we have attended together this season.

Wait - WHO as an adult? Borsch or Older Daughter? Chalk up another "ballgame."

The problem with the Phillies pre-printed scorecards is that they provide space for only 10 innings. There are additional columns for game totals that, if necessary, can be used to get one through 14 innings of scorekeeping.

Oh, horrors! Since only a tiny fraction of games ever go past the 14th inning, this is obviously a HUGE oversight on the part of the Phils!

But neither the Phillies nor the Reds cooperated by scoring any runs from the 11th through the 18th innings. So we were forced to get creative with the scorecard and write in the margins and then eventually, turn the scorecard vertically and utilize any vacant spaces that could be found.

This is just too exciting for words. Scorekeeping! Margin writing!

And we each got the whole game scored on our separate scorecards. Had it gone past 19 innings, I’m not sure what we would have done because we truly were out of space at that point. Older Daughter suggested afterward that she would have written on a napkin and stapled it to the scorecard if the game had continued. “You don’t come that far to have an incomplete scorecard,” she said.

This - THIS - is a memory worth treasuring? "Hey, remember that time we almost ran out of room on that piece of paper?" Who could possibly think this is material interesting enough for publication?

The game ended around 1:15 a.m., and the Phillies rewarded us by winning the game. Both of us did the “Yea, We Won Dance” after the winning run scored. At that time of the morning, I was not embarrassed to have anyone see me dance.

Ah, and a reference to a fictional dance just to cap things off.

I dropped Older Daughter off at her house and made it home by 2:30 a.m. We both had to go to work the next morning, and the late night made for a long day the next day.

"...the next day" is completely unnecessary. He obviously dashes these off the night before they're due and never re-reads them.

About midday, I sent her a text message: “I know it was a long night, which is making for a tough day today, but I’m happy you were with me last night.”

His texts are as poorly-written as his columns.

She responded: “Ya, I had a really good time. Thanks for a good memory.”

And that’s what it indeed became, a great memory.

Why, you can still remember it days later! And in all fairness, she said "good memory," not "great memory."

It was a unique baseball game for sure, but it turned into a unique father-daughter experience that just the two of us share, a story that maybe someday she’ll tell her children.

This is absurd! What a claim! And for being such a unique and memorable experience, we heard precious little about what he and his daughter did together (we know they attended the game and kept scorecards).

It was a special evening, but not because the Phillies and Reds played 19 innings. It was special because I got to share it with a special person in my life. And that’s why we never leave a ballgame early. Because sometimes, if one is lucky, it ends up being about something other than just baseball.

Bull. This column was 922 words long. On a purely by-paragraph basis, if you remove the sections unrelated to his activites with Older Daughter, you're left with 490 words. So really, this once-in-a-lifetime memory merited 53% of his column; the remaining 47% involved hot dogs, baseball trivia, etc.

A Rough One

OUTTA LEFTFIELD: Blowing the lid off the Six Degrees of Toilet-Seat-Hat-Wearing Princesses
Published: Wednesday, May 25, 2011
By Mike Morsch
Executive Editor

Just pause for a moment, if you will, and reflect on how horrifying and disgusting this title is. The imagery here is grotesque.

Forget all that Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon stuff. Turns out I’m only one degree from Queen Elizabeth, although I will readily admit that her royal highness is neither the actor nor the musician that Mr. Bacon has become.

So wouldn't a more accurate title be "...the Six Degrees of Queen Elizabeth"? I guess that toilet-seat-hat thing was just too hilarious to pass up!

I didn’t mention anything about my connection to the Queen during the recent royal wedding of Prince William and Kate Middleton because I did not have the appropriate headgear to be considered a legitimate part of the conversation surrounding the royal soiree.

He used this "don't have the right headgear" joke like a half dozen times on Twitter. Recycled material? Borsch? I know, I was surprised too.

But apparently, Princess Beatrice did. The eldest daughter of Prince Andrew and Sarah Ferguson wore a hat to the wedding that was described in some media accounts as “a toilet seat hat.”

I have to admit - this column got to me. It's so incredibly boring, so devoid of comedy, and so full of dull, plodding Borschian detail that I couldn't handle doing the whole thing. Cliche highlights!

Borsch refers to his purportedly hilarious college exploits
Why, in college, I could be regularly found wearing a toilet seat as a necklace, so a toilet seat is nothing new as a fashion accessory.

Borsch refers to his rural Midwestern background
Nearly 11 years ago, I sat with Sarah Ferguson for a one-on-one interview... and that makes me one degree from the Queen and the young princess. Now really, how many people do you know raised in the Illinois sticks and educated in the Iowa cornfields who can say that?

Borsch uses cultural stereotypes
That is a snootful of potential English snootiness in one room... I could induce neither of them to utter the phrase, “Pip, pip cheerio and all that rot"...

Following the progress of the column so far? He's connected to the Queen because he once interviewed Fergie. He then goes into a looooooong and laaaaaaame story about how the phrase "happy as Larry" came to be. It's several paragraphs long and contribues nothing to the narrative.

And that’s the story on how I can claim to be one degree from Queen Elizabeth and her toilet-seat-hat-wearing granddaughter.

Which means that I’m only one degree removed from … a royal flush. And if you didn’t know I was going there with that story, you haven’t been paying attention.

Paying attention to what, exactly? The story about Sarah Ferguson, which had virtually nothing to do with the toilet-seat-hat thing? His brand of comedy in general? I like how he tries to make it seem like we are the dumb ones if we don't foresee his lame tacked-on pun.

Can't Do Enough Fawning

Tuesday, May 24, 2011
'No Ma'am, You're Not Old'

Boy, I'm a bit stumped as to the possible topic here. Could it be about how clueless guys are about the subject of a woman's age? Maybe he called someone "ma'am" and his wife scolds him because it's an "old lady" term?

I judge the level of a party by the host’s willingness to offer cocktail weenies at the hors d’oeuvres table. Using that as a measuring stick, Dan May really knows how to throw a shindig.

We dive right into fresh territory - "cocktail weeines" (which he has covered in-depth before), a.k.a. little hot dogs. Toss in a sprinkling of oft-chronicled musician Dan May and we've got a truly revolutionary topic!

May, the Philadelphia singer-songwriter extraordinaire, had a CD release party last weekend at Plays and Players Theater in the city to promote his fourth CD, “Dying Breed.” It’s yet another brilliant piece of work by Dan and his band mates, who performed several cuts from the album at a show prior to everybody bellying up to the buffet table at the after party.

I'm disgusted for three reasons: (1) Borsch is almost homosexual in his lust for Mr. May, who just produced a liberal-themed music CD - but he had nothing good to say about Dennis Miller, who does some conservative-themed comedy. And Borsch had the gall to say his dislike of Miller was because he doesn't enjoy political material. (2) This is the SECOND article he's squeezed out of this Dan May gala. (3) I hate the phrase "bellying up to."

There are a lot of things to like about Dan — the songwriting, the singing, the sense of humor.

Restrain yourself, sir!

Lead guitarist and vocalist Tom Hampton seems to be cut from the same cloth, and it shows in the music.

What cloth? The cloth of having a lot of things to like about him?

As we were about to take our leave from the party Saturday night, Tom was engaged in a conversation with two other people, and the three of them happened to be blocking the path to our exit. The Blonde Accountant said, “Excuse me” as she made her way past the trio, and Tom countered with, “Sure, ma’am.”

You don't "counter" someone saying "excuse me." Seriously. Especially when the guy just said, "Sure, ma'am." He replied; he rejoined; he answered. Learn the language.

A seemingly innocent enough exchange. But as soon as we were out of earshot, she turned to me and said, “I’m not old enough to be called ma’am. How old does Tom think I am? He’s probably the same age as me.”

Get over yourself. "Ma'am" is a term of respect. I would use "ma'am" on women at the grocery store, and they'd always say something like, "That's what people call my mother." Well guess what - you're all grown up now. I call you "ma'am," you call me "sir."

The reality of it is that I am old and The Blonde Accountant is eight years my junior, which I believe makes it alright for Tom to call me “ma’am” the next time he sees me.

TBA must be a real prize, eh? Marrying an older man is one thing, but marrying an older man who happens to be Mike Morsch? *Shudder*

I would (29) never think of (29) revealing my wife’s age (29) in print and (29) if I did, I would (29) make sure (29) to emphasize that it (29) doesn’t change (29) from year to year.

Ha... ha?

The next day, I went to Dan’s Facebook page and posted the following comment about the party: “I, for one, certainly appreciated that cocktail weenies were included in the after party buffet table. But thanks to Tom Hampton calling my wife ‘ma’am’ I had to hear all . . . the . . . way . . . home that she wasn’t old.”

I'm not one to brag, but please note that I totally called this exact topic by just reading the title.

Dan’s response: “Tom is a southern gentleman, he calls women ‘ma’am.’ Tell The Blonde Accountant she’s still got it going on. In fact, people at the party that saw the two of you together were commenting on how Mike Morsch was robbing the cradle.”

This is really gross. And for the record, I really, really wanted to make a "James Troutman" reference here. But I felt restraint.

Dan is a playful purveyor of hooey, so that’s pretty funny, considering that nobody at that party besides Dan knew who I was.

Well, at least it's as funny as your standard Outta Leftfield

Once again, Tom wasn’t too far behind with his comment: “Mike, if it makes you feel better, I also call Dan ‘ma’am’ more often than not.”

So you remember that joke a few sentences, ago, when Borsch said it was "alright for Tom to call me “ma’am” the next time he sees me"? Yeah. He stole that joke. From Tom.

The Blonde Accountant was having none of what they were peddling. I suggested to Dan and Tom that they only way they could get back into her good graces would be to write her a song. We shall see where that leads, although Dan has already admitted to having trouble rhyming “accountant.”

Both "fountain" and "mountain" are near-rhymes of "accountant." [Editor's Note: On further review, I missed a Borsch typo - "they only way they." Well done, Mr. Executive Editor.]

I would suggest a working title of “No Ma’am, You’re Not Old.”

Labels: Dan May, Mike Morsch, Montgomery Newspapers, Outta Leftfield

I find it interesting that he tags Dan May but not Tom Hampton. We get some pretty good Borsch standards here: fawning over a local celeb, writing about an event he attended, hot dog references, social faux pas made by a man and pointed out by his wife.

Totally Unsurprising News

Construction delays push back opening of Souderton pool
Published: Sunday, May 15, 2011
By Emily Morris, For The Reporter

This is an old story, and because I'm a fair-minded fellow, I didn't point out the latest stumble in the "new pool" fiasco in Souderton. But now... well, continue reading, won't you?

Councilman Jeff Gross said he also wanted it stressed that “shoddy tile work” would not be acceptable if that aspect of the project is delayed until last minute.

Oh, heavens! "Shoddy" tile work! This should definitely be the primary concern. I often select my pool due to the quality of its tile work.

“The reality is school’s still going to be in session until June 20,” [Borough Manager Mike] Coll said.

Oh, so it's okay then. Never mind that this pool, as the Mayor said, will give the "dreams of hope" to "thousands of people of Indian Valley." It can wait, no big.

Souderton pool opening delayed again to June 20
Published: Friday, May 20, 2011
By Emily Morris & Erin DuBois
Staff Writers

This comes as a surprise to no one. What a difference five days can make! Now the reason is "bad weather," but staff is "very comfortable" with the new date. I certainly believe them.

People have been hesitant to buy a membership until they know definitely when the pool will open, Coll said. Extending the discount period “takes the confusion” out of purchasing a membership. “It gives a comfort level because there is no real rush to buy,” Coll said.

So the thinking here is that people are not buying memberships because they feel "rushed." Therefore, delaying the opening of the pool... will actually COMFORT people... into buying! Seriously. This is how the people running Souderton think.

While [membership sales] aren’t selling as well as Coll said he would like, he expects they will pick up toward the end of the month and as the weather gets warmer.

But I thought people weren't buying because there was such a rush to buy! Here's a suggestion: people aren't buying memberships because, by the time the pool finally opens, they'll only be able to use it for, like, four weeks.

“Changes are happening so quickly now,” Councilman Jeff Gross said, encouraging council and residents to keep an eye on progress.

In fact the only change NOT happening quickly is the pool changing from "closed" to "open." If only we could go back to the days when this story was published:

Souderton pool should be 'operational' for May 30 opening
Published: Thursday, April 21, 2011

Seems like the delays are the changes that happen most quickly, eh?

Material Copied from Website

OUTTA LEFTFIELD: The line between smart and stupid continues to be blurred
Published: Wednesday, May 18, 2011
By Mike Morsch
Executive Editor

Exibit A: "Outta Leftfield."

The line between smart and stupid has become increasingly more blurred the past few years. And I’m not referring to just in the political arena.

Gee, to what could he be referring? Hint: he's certainly not calling Obama stupid.

For example, there is the website www.stupid.com, which has been mentioned in this space before.

It has? Is that Borsch's domain name or something?

It features categories like senior gags, office gags, drinking gags, kitchen gags, holiday gags, funny hats and something called the “Poop Shop,” which offers nearly 30 doo-related items. There’s a lot of gagging going on there, and rightfully so, I might add.

For a guy supposedly so grossed out by poop, he finds a way to focus on it in quite a few of his columns.

It’s both stoo and pid. And the folks who run the website realize that by not taking themselves or their products seriously at all.

Is "both stoo and pid" supposed to be funny?

But then I happened across an article titled “Wow, that’s smart!” which was touting some inventions that might make one exclaim, “I wish I’d thought of that!”

Hey, stupid or smart, I’ve had many of those “I wish I’d thought of that!” moments over the course of my life. The closest I’ve ever come to inventing anything, though, was in college in 1978 when I pioneered the “co-ed toga,” a simple bedsheet-turned-toga-for-two inspired by the combination of being 18 and the exposure to mass quantities of alcohol and 18-year-old women. My parents were so proud.

Yet another reference to "coming up with an idea because of beer," a common theme here. And I seriously doubt he "pioneered" that idea.

But hey, going to college in Iowa in the 1970s required us to be creative thinkers because there really wasn’t much else to do, despite the popularity of cow-tipping.

Growing up in the mid-west! WOW! This material is so fresh you can smell it.

Among the smart ideas touted in the aforementioned article were something called “Coffee Joulies,” stainless steal beans about the size of an egg that one puts into a cup of coffee to instantly cool it to a drinkable temperature. I always thought those were called ice cubes.

I don't know what's dumber, the Coffee Joulies or the ice cube remark. You'd think one would displace so much fluid it would spill, and why heat something up just to put ice cubes in it to cool it down?

Another is called a “Cool Wazoo,” a child-protector pad that has five different uses: in a restaurant high chair, on a swing, in a car seat, in a grocery cart or as a changing pad. It sells for $65. I think when my kids were little I used a towel, which means one is spending $65 for the admittedly cool name of the product.

He used a towel as a restaurant high chair and car seat? Impressive. I'm starting to see why none of Borsch's "great ideas" have panned out.

One of the “Wow, that’s smart!” product ideas isn’t really a product at all, which doesn’t necessarily disqualify it from being a smart idea.

This is known as "logic." All smart product ideas are smart ideas, but not all smart ideas are necessarily product ideas.

It’s called the “Poor Man’s Drycleaning” and is accompanied by a picture of a guy with his nose in his armpit. It might be the first recorded image in history of a guy with his nose in his armpit illustrating what’s being called a good idea.

I understand neither the idea itself, nor Borsch's little comment after.

The theory behind this is more along the lines of a home remedy. (Note: Women would never do this, but that is not an automatic disqualifier for guys.)

This is also "logic." Women are not men; therefore an activity that excludes women does not necessarily exclude men as well.

We’ve all seen a guy pick a shirt out of the laundry basket, stick it up to his nose, shrug his shoulders like it’s not too wrinkled and doesn’t smell that bad, and then pull it on over his head. (For the record, I am not one of those guys, which is one of my few redeeming qualities.)

I believe Jeff Foxworthy did this exact routine. The originality here is astounding.

It turns out that those who like to wear their shirts more than once before laundering can make the shirt smell fresh and clean by pouring a little vodka and water into a spray bottle and then spritzing the shirt with the mixture. Once it dries, the garment is good to go. Who said bartenders don’t come up with any good ideas?

I understand the idea now. Please note that we're waist-deep in a "someone else's amusing story I read on the Internet" column.

According to the information in the story, this is a common trick used by Broadway actors so that the costumes don’t have to be dry-cleaned after every performance. Also — and this is big-star product endorsement territory — “Joan Rivers swears by it. So does Madonna.”

I wonder how many paragraphs he has started with "according to" in his "writing" career. They probably number in the thousands.

I was wrong. Apparently women would do something like this to their clothes. Seriously, Joan, can we talk? And Madonna, is that anyway to express yourself?

In this context, it should be "any way," not "anyway." Idiot.

So here’s what we’ve got: The smart ideas include “Coffee Joulies,” the “Cool Wazoo” and the “Poor Man’s Drycleaning” theory. The stupid ideas include anything to do with poo.

Back to poop! I had no idea being a published columnist was so easy. You go to a website, copy the information on said website, and presto! Your column is done.

See how difficult it is to tell the smart from the stupid? Maybe I ought to think about bringing back the co-ed toga idea.

I like how he found these ideas on a website called "stupid.com," and his point is that they're stupid ideas. Hey, at least he TRIED to be funny this time and didn't just summarize random events from his weekend.

Tuesday, May 17, 2011
Ballparks and recreation

For a humor columnist, this man's supply of topics seems shockingly small, doesn't it?

Big baseball weekend at our house, which isn’t too much out of the ordinary, really.

No kidding.

Leading off was a college tilt as St. Joseph’s took on Temple in a twinbill Saturday afternoon at Skip Wilson Field on the Temple Ambler campus. It was the first time I had gotten to enjoy a game at that particular field and it’s a pretty nice college ballyard.

"Ballyard"? Really? He couldn't have just said "...at that particular field, and it's a pretty nice one"?

This matchup was of particular interest because Father of Blonde Accountant and The Blonde Accountant are both St. Joe’s grads and Pop Pop pitched for the Hawks back in his day. I have no allegiance to either team, but I do enjoy watching college baseball when I get the chance. The accompanying video shows some of those sites and sounds.

Is "Pop Pop" the same person as Father of Blonde Accountant? I like his criteria for an interesting game - out of three, two people went to one of the schools, and the third person doesn't care.

St. Joe’s took both games from the Owls, although we could only stay for the first game. Son of Blonde Accountant had his regular season CYO finale back in Montgomeryville so we headed back for that. Tough day for the youngster as he took the collar and his team lost. But the rain held off until after all baseball was done for the day, so that was good.

What exactly is the theme of this paragraph? Hawks vs. Olws? Game in Montgomeryville? The weather?

On Sunday, Son of Blonde Accountant and I took in the Reading Phillies. We got to see some of the young Phillies prospects — like pitchers J.C. Ramirez and Phillippe Aumont, first baseman Matt Rizzotti and shortstop Freddy Galvis — and the rain held off long enough for the home team to secure a victory.

I must be missing all the jokes so far, by the way. Should we re-name this the "Here's What I Did Today Weblog"?

One of the many wonderful things about baseball is the terminology, of which we heard plenty over the weekend, mostly during the college game.
For example, the following phrases can usually only be heard on the ballfield:

Ah yes, the "ballfield."

— “Lotta hop!” — It means, “Stay aggressive, show a lot of enthusiasm.”
— “Right man, right now” — Refers to having the best hitter at the plate with runners in scoring position able to get a clutch hit and drive in the runs.

That was a tortured sentence.

— “Hum, baby!” — Usually what is said to a pitcher, as in “Hum that pitch in there” or “throw it hard.”
Then of course, there is the umpire bating. Umpiring at the college level in particular is challenging and one must have a thick skin. There is a lot of chirping going on from the benches. Among my favorite lines over the years tossed at umpires:

Wow. So we get three uninteresting bits of baseball jargon, and now we're being "treated" to things Borsch has heard "over the years." Now we're not even talking about the weekend anymore!

— “Hey, poke a hole in that mask!”
— “Hey ump, shake your head, your eyes are stuck!”

Boy, two whole lines, huh? And these sound like the most generic insults one can imagine.

When I played, my dad didn’t get after the umpires too much — and neither did I — because we understood that umpires don’t win or lose ballgames. But when Pop did feel the need to sound off, he was relatively nice about it.
“Wake up ump, you’re missing a good game!”

Okay, no, THAT'S the most generic insult one can imagine. And what's with all these pointless digressions? Can we please settle on a theme for this post?

One of my alternative activities over the weekend was to go shopping with The Blonde Accountant for a new kitchen faucet.

You have got to be kidding me. This is terrible. What is this supposed to be about? And how is any of it funny?

Although that still has to happen, I believe this weekend qualified as an example of another common phrase: “Can’t beat fun at the old ballpark.”

But I thought the other phrases were UNcommon, because you'd only hear them at a baseball game. We'll have to take his word that any of this was fun, though, because he did such a terrible job of describing it.

Labels: Mike Morsch, Montgomery Newspapers, Outta Leftfield, Reading Phillies, St. Joseph's, Temple Ambler

On a side note, we've passed the 150-post mark at Inta Rightfield. The majority of these have been Borsch-related, and the most frightening thing is, he's getting worse. He's still writing about the same things, using the same jokes. His choice of topics is slowly dwindling down to four: concerts he sees, things he can't do, stories he reads on the Internet, and baseball.

More disturbing is his shameless abuse of sentiment; he's hawked his so-called "tribute" to his deceased uncles several times in search of awards. There is seemingly no depth to which he will not sink.