OUTTA LEFTFIELD: Recalling the 'Great Teenie Beanies Excursion of 1996'
Published: Wednesday, April 11, 2012
By Mike Morsch
Executive Editor
Leave it to the French to be snooty with their fast food.
Good to know that cliched ethnocentrism is NOT a thing of the past.
According to a wire service story, McDonald’s is introducing something called the “McBaguette” in an effort to cater to the French people.
What’s next? Is Mayor McCheese going to be replaced by Mayor Pepe LePew?
At this point I'm absolutely baffled - what other stereotypes about the French can he employ? He's used up "snooty" and "Pepe LePew" in the first few paragraphs! He goes on to cite (surprise!) someone else's news story about Nawfal Trabelsi, a McDonald's VP in France, discussing this new food item.
...But Nawfal Trabelsi is a wonderfully cool name because it has both lilt and panache.
Does it? Does it really? Somebody must have gotten a "Word of the Day" calendar.
Which brings me to McDonald’s. My experience has been that once I reached a certain age, I just quit going to McDonald’s. It’s not that I don’t like the food. I believe the place is still in business today because I ate enough cheeseburgers for three decades to keep its stock price inflated to ridiculously profitable margins.
Didn't he also claim responsibility for eating 1/3 of all the Oreos sold over the past half century? This "I'm fat and therefore eat a lot" routine is an endless mine of comedic gold!
These days, I watch what I eat a little more closely...
Please reference the billion articles he has written about hot dogs, Oreos, etc in order to determine the veracity of this statement.
But McDonld’s — the American version and not the French version — has provided me with the defining moment of one of my more memorable road trips.
That's right - everything we've been through so far has been a mere prelude. I'm frightened.
Back in the mid-1990s, my baseball running buddy in Springfield, Ill., was Chris Dettro, a reporter at the newspaper where we both worked. We shared a love of baseball, given to us by our fathers, that at the time, our wives did not share.
He and his baseball running buddy shared a love of baseball? Interesting twist. The commas in the second sentence are terrible mis-placed.
They thought we were knuckleheads, a fact with which we did not entirely disagree.
Chris and I were heavily into baseball collectibles and autographs as well, so we would occasionally travel to baseball card shows and autograph signings. One such road trip took all the way from Illinois all the way to Hofstra University in Hempstead, N.Y., on Long Island.
That's right - it appears as though this story, just like his two previous stories, is going to be about baseball. What an empty, empty life he leads. Really, after saying "baseball collectibles," is the "baseball" before "card shows and autograph signings" necessary?
So we drove all the way to Long Island, secured the signatures of our boyhood heroes, and headed back to Illinois. Our first stop was at a McDonald’s somewhere in New York.
Believe it or not, I'm cutting out some stuff here. Thus far, the "comedy" of this column has been limited to French jokes and fat jokes.
It just so happened that this was right in the middle of the Beanie Babies stuffed animal craze. At the time, something called “Teenie Beanies” — a smaller version of the Beanie Babies — were being manufactured for a promotion, to be placed in McDonald’s Happy Meals.
If you thought that paragraph was bland and uninteresting, just look at this:
There were 10 Teenie Beanies in the 1996-97 series, including Patti the Platypus; Pinky the Flamingo; Chops the Lamb; Chocolate the Moose (my favorite just because of the creative naming); Goldie the Goldfish; Speedy the Turtle; Seamore the Seal; Snort the Bull; Quacks the Duck; and Lizz the Lizard.
Lists are HILARIOUS! Is "Chocolate the Moose" any more creative than "Chops the Lamb"?
Since we both had young daughters — and there wasn’t really anything at a baseball card show that would interest them — we decided to grab a Happy Meal and get the Teenie Beanies for our girls. I had to buy two since I have two daughters; Chris only had to buy one.
Apparently the number of daughters they each had is vital information. Believe it or not, THIS - not baseball, not cheeseburgers, not the French - is finally the actual topic of this column.
What we didn’t know at the time was how crazy people were going over these things. There were reports, which we didn’t find out until later, that people were actually fighting over them at some McDonald’s locations.
I believe that should be "which we didn't find out ABOUT until later."
Since there were 10 Teenie Beanies characters, we decided to try to collect all 10 before we got back to Illinois. So we started stopping at every McDonald’s we saw along the route home. By the time we hit Pittsburgh, we had added a few hours to our trip, but had secured six of the 10 Teenie Beanies and a bagful of extra cheeseburgers.
I just KNOW that all this boring detail is building up to something gut-busting, and the suspense is killing me!!!
I had taken to storing my Teenie Beanies in one of the empty Happy Meal bags and the extra cheeseburgers I couldn’t eat in another empty Happy Meal bag, both of which I had placed on the floor behind the driver’s seat of the car.
... still killing me!
When it came time to stop driving for the evening somewhere in Ohio, I suggested to Chris that we had put in a lot of effort with both our baseball collectibles and our Teenie Beanies collectibles and that we should take them inside the hotel room with us for safekeeping.
... There's never going to be anything funny, is there?
Chris grabbed a McDonald’s bag and I grabbed the autographed baseball items and we checked into the hotel.
The next morning, it was my turn to drive, so before I got in, I noticed there was still a McDonald’s bag on the floor behind the driver’s seat.
If the story is this boring and unamusing in print, just imagine (if you can) how atrocious it would be in person.
“Chris, did you bring in the Teenie Beanies last night?” I asked.
“Yes, I have them right here,” he said, holding up a McDonald’s Happy Meal bag.
I looked inside the bag in the car and sure enough, there were the Teenie Beanies, where they had sat all night in view of any criminal in search for the highly coveted collectible. But Chris had done a splendid job of making sure the bag full of cheeseburgers was safely secured inside our hotel room.
WAHOOOOOOOOOOO!!! What a delightful twist: they thought they brought something inside, but actually left it in the car. Great payoff!
It turns out that we ended up
Stop right there. This, in a nutshell, is why Borsch is possibly the worst published "writer" I have ever stumbled across. These two phrases - "it turns out" and "we ended up" - mean basically the same thing in this context. He could have used either one of them. Instead, he used both. Because his skill with words is just. That. Wretched.
Continue.
stopping at 36 McDonald’s between Long Island, N.Y., and Springfield, Ill., on “The Great Teenie Beanies Excursion of 1996.” Unfortunately, we secured only eight of the 10 Teenie Beanies for our daughters, missing the first two in the series that had been released, Patti the Platypus and Pinky the Flamingo. But it was a good effort by dads who liked cheeseburgers and were trying to make their kids happy.
Let’s see somebody in France put in that kind of effort with the McBaguette.
See, the problem here is that the two things - the McBaguette and their "memorable" road trip - are completely unrelated. That would be like me saying, "I just dominated at Wii Boxing! Let's see Benedict Arnold do THAT!" The fact that his quest ended in failure is entirely appropriate.
The fact that this is one of his "more memorable road trips" makes me wonder just how dull the other ones were...
Wednesday, April 11, 2012
Tuesday, April 3, 2012
Baseball, but NOT Hot Dogs
OUTTA LEFTFIELD: From flyswatters to diapers, Phils' merch machine in high gear
Published: Tuesday, April 03, 2012
By Mike Morsch
Executive Editor
What better way to follow-up his baseball-centric hot dog article than with a baseball-centric baseball article? He's so FRESH!
Here is when one knows that one's favorite big league baseball team has a big league marketing department: When it starts marketing baby bottoms.
Borsch has a STRONG affinity for discussing the rear ends of children (see his previous column about wiping their "bottoms" with Armor-All). It's mildly disturbing.
That’s right, the Phillies have their familiar logo on just about every other thing, so it makes sense to put the logo on diapers.
I’d like to think there was a marketing person in some Phillies brainstorming meeting that all of a sudden stood up and shouted, "P -- diapers -- boo-yah!"
I had to think about this for a long time before I realized he was making a pee joke. At least, I think he is. It's hard to tell, really.
Since I am a long way from having babies in the house, I would not have known about the Phillies diapers had not the ballclub invited me to its annual food, fashion and merchandise soiree last week at the Citizens Bank Park. This is how good the team’s marketing department is: It knows that journalists will show up for a free meal -- like all good journalists will.
Wow, he's changing things up! A previous article (3/31/10) about this same event focused only on the food. In that article, he made (SURPRISE!) the exact same joke: "All the big club has to do is offer a free meal — in the name of good journalism of course — and there’s not a reporter in Southeastern Pennsylvania who wouldn’t show up for the feedbag."
But add in the children of staff members — a bunch of cute babies and toddlers --
Yep, that's one dash to start, but two to end, that little aside.
and well, we journalists will still take pictures and videos of babies in Phillies gear, even if we have to put down the Schmitter and crab fries for a moment to do it. (Do yourself a favor and go online to see the video of this. Babies are just so darn cute dressed in Phillies gear.)
I hope the video is as boring as a typical Borsch piece - loooooong slooooow pans, odd shakes and twitches, unnecessary zooms, complete silence, etc.
In addition to the diapers, other baby stuff available this season includes socks, headwear and outfits. And the focus just isn’t babies this year.
"This year"... so babies were the only focus last year? And who would think that the team would offer ONLY baby merchandise?
Fans can get a whole bunch of other Phillies items, including a bevy of new bobbleheads, an expanded selection of custom sunglasses, a Panini press/waffle maker, barbecue branders, cutting boards, cookie cutters, martini glasses, golf head covers, garden gnomes (as a gnome guy, I’ll probably get one or more of them for the garden this year) and flyswatters.
Prediction: Borsch will some day write a column about garden gnomes. He likes them, his wife doesn't. Comedy!
I don’t know about you, but I’ve always wanted a Phillies flyswatter. Up to this point, I thought the big foam No.1 finger might have been the most, uh, interesting novelty item in the history of baseball merchandising, but I reserve the right to change my mind once I get a good look at the flyswatter.
Wow, finding the comedy in the foam No.1 finger... how does he ever come up with this stuff??? What next, making fun of guys who hold up the "D-fence" posters?
Not that I’m being critical. I think the last thing that a fly sees -- especially those crumb-bum flies from St. Louis -- should be a flyswatter with the Phillies logo as it comes crashing down on its head. If only the Phillies hitters could have hit something beside flies in Game 5 of last year's National League Division Series.
Oh, heavens no! After all, the true mark of a satirist/humorist is to NEVER BE CRITICAL OF ANYTHING. This is classic Borsch - so afraid of offending his precious patrons that he can never say anything bad about anyone (except Sarah Palin).
Of course, a Phillies event wouldn't be a Phillies event without that loveable green goof, the Phanatic. And sure enough, the big galoot showed up and put on a show with the babies and toddlers.
Both "goof" and "galoot" in the same paragraph? He has just used up every single adjective in his vast repertoire.
I must admit, as mascots go, the Phanatic makes me laugh. I find him highly amusing. And I have a soft spot in my heart for galoots, which is why I like the Phanatic and Charlie Manuel. The great thing about being a galoot is knowing you're a galoot, and Cholly and the Phanatic know what's what in that department. It's always good to have a couple of high-profile galoots on the ballclub.
Several points: (1) Someone who "makes you laugh" is usually someone you also "find highly amusing." (2) "Galoot" was used five times in two paragraphs. (3) "Ballclub."
Cholly, already the Phillies' winningest manager, is also the most beloved manager in team history, mostly because he seems to be a genuinely nice guy. Oh, and he delivered a little thing called a world championship in 2008 to a team and city starved for a winner.
...Okay. Most beloved manager in team history? Did he do research on that, run a few surveys or anything? What was this column about again?
As for the Phanatic, well, there already is a statue of him at the ballpark, so I guess we know where he stacks up among the city's elite personalities.
Elsewhere in this paper or on our website, you can read about the new food selections at the ballpark this season. Our newest sportswriter, Nick Iuele, handled that aspect of the event. He's a good kid from North Jersey, but he’s a lifelong Yankees fan. I made sure to let the Phanatic know that so he could stick that great big green nose right in Nick's face. That kind of sums up what we think about Yankees fans around here.
I like how he feels it necessary to tell the readers of his Philadelphia-area newspaper how people from Philadelphia feel about the Yankees.
So there you have it, another baseball season is upon us, and the Phillies have made sure that we fans can dress appropriately and eat heartily while we cheer on the Fightin's to what we hope is another World Series championship.
I don't think an apostrophe belongs in "Fightin's."
Yep, ya can't beat fun at the old ballpark. Nobody knows that better than the Phillies marketing department. It’s clicking on all cylinders … running as smooth as a baby's bottom.
I, personally, would feel embarrassed to write an ending as pathetic as that. Can Michael Morsch honestly - HONESTLY - take any pride in his work? This kind of writing is on the level of a middle school newspaper. How did he get his job? How does he still have it? These are the questions that keep me up at night.
Published: Tuesday, April 03, 2012
By Mike Morsch
Executive Editor
What better way to follow-up his baseball-centric hot dog article than with a baseball-centric baseball article? He's so FRESH!
Here is when one knows that one's favorite big league baseball team has a big league marketing department: When it starts marketing baby bottoms.
Borsch has a STRONG affinity for discussing the rear ends of children (see his previous column about wiping their "bottoms" with Armor-All). It's mildly disturbing.
That’s right, the Phillies have their familiar logo on just about every other thing, so it makes sense to put the logo on diapers.
I’d like to think there was a marketing person in some Phillies brainstorming meeting that all of a sudden stood up and shouted, "P -- diapers -- boo-yah!"
I had to think about this for a long time before I realized he was making a pee joke. At least, I think he is. It's hard to tell, really.
Since I am a long way from having babies in the house, I would not have known about the Phillies diapers had not the ballclub invited me to its annual food, fashion and merchandise soiree last week at the Citizens Bank Park. This is how good the team’s marketing department is: It knows that journalists will show up for a free meal -- like all good journalists will.
Wow, he's changing things up! A previous article (3/31/10) about this same event focused only on the food. In that article, he made (SURPRISE!) the exact same joke: "All the big club has to do is offer a free meal — in the name of good journalism of course — and there’s not a reporter in Southeastern Pennsylvania who wouldn’t show up for the feedbag."
But add in the children of staff members — a bunch of cute babies and toddlers --
Yep, that's one dash to start, but two to end, that little aside.
and well, we journalists will still take pictures and videos of babies in Phillies gear, even if we have to put down the Schmitter and crab fries for a moment to do it. (Do yourself a favor and go online to see the video of this. Babies are just so darn cute dressed in Phillies gear.)
I hope the video is as boring as a typical Borsch piece - loooooong slooooow pans, odd shakes and twitches, unnecessary zooms, complete silence, etc.
In addition to the diapers, other baby stuff available this season includes socks, headwear and outfits. And the focus just isn’t babies this year.
"This year"... so babies were the only focus last year? And who would think that the team would offer ONLY baby merchandise?
Fans can get a whole bunch of other Phillies items, including a bevy of new bobbleheads, an expanded selection of custom sunglasses, a Panini press/waffle maker, barbecue branders, cutting boards, cookie cutters, martini glasses, golf head covers, garden gnomes (as a gnome guy, I’ll probably get one or more of them for the garden this year) and flyswatters.
Prediction: Borsch will some day write a column about garden gnomes. He likes them, his wife doesn't. Comedy!
I don’t know about you, but I’ve always wanted a Phillies flyswatter. Up to this point, I thought the big foam No.1 finger might have been the most, uh, interesting novelty item in the history of baseball merchandising, but I reserve the right to change my mind once I get a good look at the flyswatter.
Wow, finding the comedy in the foam No.1 finger... how does he ever come up with this stuff??? What next, making fun of guys who hold up the "D-fence" posters?
Not that I’m being critical. I think the last thing that a fly sees -- especially those crumb-bum flies from St. Louis -- should be a flyswatter with the Phillies logo as it comes crashing down on its head. If only the Phillies hitters could have hit something beside flies in Game 5 of last year's National League Division Series.
Oh, heavens no! After all, the true mark of a satirist/humorist is to NEVER BE CRITICAL OF ANYTHING. This is classic Borsch - so afraid of offending his precious patrons that he can never say anything bad about anyone (except Sarah Palin).
Of course, a Phillies event wouldn't be a Phillies event without that loveable green goof, the Phanatic. And sure enough, the big galoot showed up and put on a show with the babies and toddlers.
Both "goof" and "galoot" in the same paragraph? He has just used up every single adjective in his vast repertoire.
I must admit, as mascots go, the Phanatic makes me laugh. I find him highly amusing. And I have a soft spot in my heart for galoots, which is why I like the Phanatic and Charlie Manuel. The great thing about being a galoot is knowing you're a galoot, and Cholly and the Phanatic know what's what in that department. It's always good to have a couple of high-profile galoots on the ballclub.
Several points: (1) Someone who "makes you laugh" is usually someone you also "find highly amusing." (2) "Galoot" was used five times in two paragraphs. (3) "Ballclub."
Cholly, already the Phillies' winningest manager, is also the most beloved manager in team history, mostly because he seems to be a genuinely nice guy. Oh, and he delivered a little thing called a world championship in 2008 to a team and city starved for a winner.
...Okay. Most beloved manager in team history? Did he do research on that, run a few surveys or anything? What was this column about again?
As for the Phanatic, well, there already is a statue of him at the ballpark, so I guess we know where he stacks up among the city's elite personalities.
Elsewhere in this paper or on our website, you can read about the new food selections at the ballpark this season. Our newest sportswriter, Nick Iuele, handled that aspect of the event. He's a good kid from North Jersey, but he’s a lifelong Yankees fan. I made sure to let the Phanatic know that so he could stick that great big green nose right in Nick's face. That kind of sums up what we think about Yankees fans around here.
I like how he feels it necessary to tell the readers of his Philadelphia-area newspaper how people from Philadelphia feel about the Yankees.
So there you have it, another baseball season is upon us, and the Phillies have made sure that we fans can dress appropriately and eat heartily while we cheer on the Fightin's to what we hope is another World Series championship.
I don't think an apostrophe belongs in "Fightin's."
Yep, ya can't beat fun at the old ballpark. Nobody knows that better than the Phillies marketing department. It’s clicking on all cylinders … running as smooth as a baby's bottom.
I, personally, would feel embarrassed to write an ending as pathetic as that. Can Michael Morsch honestly - HONESTLY - take any pride in his work? This kind of writing is on the level of a middle school newspaper. How did he get his job? How does he still have it? These are the questions that keep me up at night.
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