Quoth Dan Schwartzman, 97.5 "The Fanatic" sports talk radio host:
(Speaking of Phillies shortstop Jimmy Rollins): He's a leadoff guy, gets on base. His On Base Percentage isn't very high.
So, despite the fact that he "gets on base," Jimmy Rollins doesn't get on base very much. Thanks, Dan Schwartzman.
Thursday, April 29, 2010
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
Warning: Morsch May be Hazardous to your Health
Outta Leftfield
Published: Wednesday, April 28, 2010
By Mike Morsch
Executive Editor
Grumpiness plus new media ecology equals ‘grumpicology’ column
We are off to an excellent start - we're only through the title and I already have no idea what the heck he's talking about.
There was a time when “being connected” meant that one knew somebody and could get something done in a hurry and without much of a problem.
Is that what "being connected" meant? I thought it meant you were in the Mafia.
Nowadays, “being connected” means having a smartphone, Twitter and Facebook accounts, an iPad, a laptop and several e-mail accounts, not to mention the various other communication devices and methods out there that I’m not quite able to understand at this point.
Phone, Twitter, Facebook, iPad, laptop, email... tell me, Mr. Morsch, what "various other communication devices and methods" are you referring to? I'll wait.
Now tell me honestly: are there really various other devices and methods, or could you just not think of any more and, instead of writing "etc," you took a big verbal dump on us?
(I’m still figuring out how to program my VCR. Wait, you mean to tell me that VCRs are already ancient history?)
Please see my response to his "smartphone" column, in which I stated:
Does Morsch seem oddly contemptuous of this technology? One can only imagine the kind of sass he worked up for the article about his first VCR.
The reality is, I’m pretty easy to reach using any of those tools.
The reality - as opposed to what? Did he ever say that he doesn't have any of those tools? Morsch often uses "however" and "actually" in contexts that make absolutely no sense.
In fact, I’m relatively certain that if you send up a smoke signal, one of these forms of technology will interpret the smoke and get the message to me. (I wonder just how many puffs of smoke it takes to send the message, “Mike, you are a big knucklehead.”)
Ha! "Knucklehead." This guy slays me!
With the emphasis on social networking and a new media ecology emerging, even this column could be used to interact on a different level with readers. Instead of me deciding what it is I want to sound off about every week, you the readers could let me know what it is you would like to read about in this space.
First off, I would like an explanation of what "new media ecology" is. It's in the title, too, but he hasn't yet explained what it means. Second, some suggestions for what I would like to read about:
1.) Humorous observations on life
2.) Hilarious send-ups of pop culture trends
3.) Interesting ideas from a different, intriguing perspective
4.) Not baseball, random movies, or your daughter's school play
Stuck recently for a column idea, I decided to reach out to my Facebook friends for ideas. I am assuming many of you already know what Facebook is, but for those unfamiliar, it’s an online way to locate and stay in touch with people through the social interaction of messages, photos and videos. (One word of caution: old flames and people that you really didn’t like in the first place can and will find you on Facebook.)
So he doesn't bother to explain "new media ecology," a relatively obscure field of theory and study... but he DOES feel the need to explain what Facebook is. Dunce.
So here is what I posted to my Facebook account: “I’ve got a big grump on today and I’m not telling anybody but my wife what it’s about. Feel free to make up your own reason for my grumpiness. The most creative could get a shoutout in a column.”
Um... you haven't had a hot dog in the past 12 hours? Baseball isn't on? You can't think of a way to incorporate beer or toilet paper into your column?
Technically, I did not let the Facebook crowd choose the subject because I offered up the “grumpiness” premise. But the responses were interesting nonetheless.
So Morsch's first foray into "new media ecology" is a grand failure, essentially. "I thought I would put this theory to good use and get ideas. But instead, I used my own lame ideas anyway."
Todd from Springfield, Ill.: “The knob on the back of your head that is pulling your hairline back is a little too tight. Ohhhh snap!”
I don't even understand this.
Of course, the first thing I did was run into the bathroom and look into the two-way mirror to see if there was a knob on the back of my head that was controlling my hairline. I was hoping there was some legitimate reason for this receding hairline over the past several years.
Alas, there was no knob on the back of my head. I would have been extremely disappointed had there been a knob there that had eluded the attention of the barber all these years.
When life gives you a lemon, make lemonade. When Morsch makes a bad joke, he makes it even worse.
Buddah from Springfield, Ill.: “You cramped up halfway up the Rocky Balboa steps workout.” Or, “You figured out you are more cracked than the Liberty Bell.”
Pathetic.
Now Buddah is a comedian,
Somehow I'm not surprised that I've never heard of Buddah the comedian.
at least he plays one in and around Springfield, Ill., and I appreciate his geographical astuteness by working in the local Philadelphia angles. He had another suggestion about the Phillie Phanatic, but it was inappropriate for a family newspaper.
What? "...at least he plays one"? Is this supposed to be a jab back at Buddah? Morsch's jokes are like ninjas - you never even know they're here.
Dan from Philadelphia: “You found out that Chicken of the Sea isn’t really chicken.”
Nice Jessica Simpson reference. By the way Dan - 2002 called, and it wants its joke back.
Man, it took me three days to recover from that realization. Talk about grumpy. Or in this instance, “grumpicology.”
Yes, let's talk about grumpy. It's related to this discussion... how? Oh, you needed a way to work in the "grumpicology" angle, and your only solution was a classic Morsch strategy: saying something like "speaking of" and then introducing a totally unrelated topic.
Speaking of, the phrase "talk about" is one of Troy Aikman's favorite crutch phrases while calling football games, as in:
Randy Moss makes a catch.
Joe Buck: "Calling the play"And here's Randy Moss.
Aikman: You talk about Randy Moss, and how he makes plays...
In its most basic form though, I’ve just created a column with the help of the public,
In this instance, "in its most basic form" means "not at all."
which leads to this: The newspaper that you are reading right now is changing. We are adapting an online-first approach with everything we do. Not only that, but we are inviting you into the process to help decide what it is you want to read about.
This idea is so revolutionary you'd think everybody wasn't already doing it since 2005!
Our parent corporation, Journal Register Company, has selected one of the weekly newspapers here at Montgomery Media — the Perkasie News-Herald — to be one of only two papers across the country to participate in its Ben Franklin Project.
This is rapidly degenerating from "humor column" into "meaningless sales pitch."
This project “is an opportunity to re-imagine the newsgathering process with the focus on the digital first and print last.
Journal Register Company: Desperately clinging to the butt hairs of yesterday's ideas.
"Using only free tools found on the Internet, the project will — from assigning to editing — create, publish and distribute news content on both the Web and in print.” It also opens the process up to you and allows you to participate at whatever level you are comfortable. You can read more about it at http://jrcbenfranklinproject.wordpress.com.
I wish I had a humor column where I could just blather on about boring, humorless topics. Does anyone even care about the product MM is pushing here?
You will learn more about it in the coming weeks. As it unfolds, I encourage you to submit ideas to me for this column. You give me a premise and I’ll see if I can run with it. Be creative, be funny and tell me what you’d like to read. And use any of the aforementioned tools available to get the word to me.
Be creative and funny - you know, unlike anything you've ever read here!
So Chicken of the Sea is not really chicken, huh? How very disappointing. What’s next? Well, as we move forward, you get to play a big role in those decisions.
Unacceptable - "those decisions" is ridiculously vague. Is English this guy's first language? The two ideas above have nothing to do with each other, and yet he moves from one to the other as though he's making an effortlessly smooth transition. I can only hope that the ideas submitted by Morsch's readers are somewhat more coherent.
Published: Wednesday, April 28, 2010
By Mike Morsch
Executive Editor
Grumpiness plus new media ecology equals ‘grumpicology’ column
We are off to an excellent start - we're only through the title and I already have no idea what the heck he's talking about.
There was a time when “being connected” meant that one knew somebody and could get something done in a hurry and without much of a problem.
Is that what "being connected" meant? I thought it meant you were in the Mafia.
Nowadays, “being connected” means having a smartphone, Twitter and Facebook accounts, an iPad, a laptop and several e-mail accounts, not to mention the various other communication devices and methods out there that I’m not quite able to understand at this point.
Phone, Twitter, Facebook, iPad, laptop, email... tell me, Mr. Morsch, what "various other communication devices and methods" are you referring to? I'll wait.
Now tell me honestly: are there really various other devices and methods, or could you just not think of any more and, instead of writing "etc," you took a big verbal dump on us?
(I’m still figuring out how to program my VCR. Wait, you mean to tell me that VCRs are already ancient history?)
Please see my response to his "smartphone" column, in which I stated:
Does Morsch seem oddly contemptuous of this technology? One can only imagine the kind of sass he worked up for the article about his first VCR.
The reality is, I’m pretty easy to reach using any of those tools.
The reality - as opposed to what? Did he ever say that he doesn't have any of those tools? Morsch often uses "however" and "actually" in contexts that make absolutely no sense.
In fact, I’m relatively certain that if you send up a smoke signal, one of these forms of technology will interpret the smoke and get the message to me. (I wonder just how many puffs of smoke it takes to send the message, “Mike, you are a big knucklehead.”)
Ha! "Knucklehead." This guy slays me!
With the emphasis on social networking and a new media ecology emerging, even this column could be used to interact on a different level with readers. Instead of me deciding what it is I want to sound off about every week, you the readers could let me know what it is you would like to read about in this space.
First off, I would like an explanation of what "new media ecology" is. It's in the title, too, but he hasn't yet explained what it means. Second, some suggestions for what I would like to read about:
1.) Humorous observations on life
2.) Hilarious send-ups of pop culture trends
3.) Interesting ideas from a different, intriguing perspective
4.) Not baseball, random movies, or your daughter's school play
Stuck recently for a column idea, I decided to reach out to my Facebook friends for ideas. I am assuming many of you already know what Facebook is, but for those unfamiliar, it’s an online way to locate and stay in touch with people through the social interaction of messages, photos and videos. (One word of caution: old flames and people that you really didn’t like in the first place can and will find you on Facebook.)
So he doesn't bother to explain "new media ecology," a relatively obscure field of theory and study... but he DOES feel the need to explain what Facebook is. Dunce.
So here is what I posted to my Facebook account: “I’ve got a big grump on today and I’m not telling anybody but my wife what it’s about. Feel free to make up your own reason for my grumpiness. The most creative could get a shoutout in a column.”
Um... you haven't had a hot dog in the past 12 hours? Baseball isn't on? You can't think of a way to incorporate beer or toilet paper into your column?
Technically, I did not let the Facebook crowd choose the subject because I offered up the “grumpiness” premise. But the responses were interesting nonetheless.
So Morsch's first foray into "new media ecology" is a grand failure, essentially. "I thought I would put this theory to good use and get ideas. But instead, I used my own lame ideas anyway."
Todd from Springfield, Ill.: “The knob on the back of your head that is pulling your hairline back is a little too tight. Ohhhh snap!”
I don't even understand this.
Of course, the first thing I did was run into the bathroom and look into the two-way mirror to see if there was a knob on the back of my head that was controlling my hairline. I was hoping there was some legitimate reason for this receding hairline over the past several years.
Alas, there was no knob on the back of my head. I would have been extremely disappointed had there been a knob there that had eluded the attention of the barber all these years.
When life gives you a lemon, make lemonade. When Morsch makes a bad joke, he makes it even worse.
Buddah from Springfield, Ill.: “You cramped up halfway up the Rocky Balboa steps workout.” Or, “You figured out you are more cracked than the Liberty Bell.”
Pathetic.
Now Buddah is a comedian,
Somehow I'm not surprised that I've never heard of Buddah the comedian.
at least he plays one in and around Springfield, Ill., and I appreciate his geographical astuteness by working in the local Philadelphia angles. He had another suggestion about the Phillie Phanatic, but it was inappropriate for a family newspaper.
What? "...at least he plays one"? Is this supposed to be a jab back at Buddah? Morsch's jokes are like ninjas - you never even know they're here.
Dan from Philadelphia: “You found out that Chicken of the Sea isn’t really chicken.”
Nice Jessica Simpson reference. By the way Dan - 2002 called, and it wants its joke back.
Man, it took me three days to recover from that realization. Talk about grumpy. Or in this instance, “grumpicology.”
Yes, let's talk about grumpy. It's related to this discussion... how? Oh, you needed a way to work in the "grumpicology" angle, and your only solution was a classic Morsch strategy: saying something like "speaking of" and then introducing a totally unrelated topic.
Speaking of, the phrase "talk about" is one of Troy Aikman's favorite crutch phrases while calling football games, as in:
Randy Moss makes a catch.
Joe Buck: "Calling the play"And here's Randy Moss.
Aikman: You talk about Randy Moss, and how he makes plays...
In its most basic form though, I’ve just created a column with the help of the public,
In this instance, "in its most basic form" means "not at all."
which leads to this: The newspaper that you are reading right now is changing. We are adapting an online-first approach with everything we do. Not only that, but we are inviting you into the process to help decide what it is you want to read about.
This idea is so revolutionary you'd think everybody wasn't already doing it since 2005!
Our parent corporation, Journal Register Company, has selected one of the weekly newspapers here at Montgomery Media — the Perkasie News-Herald — to be one of only two papers across the country to participate in its Ben Franklin Project.
This is rapidly degenerating from "humor column" into "meaningless sales pitch."
This project “is an opportunity to re-imagine the newsgathering process with the focus on the digital first and print last.
Journal Register Company: Desperately clinging to the butt hairs of yesterday's ideas.
"Using only free tools found on the Internet, the project will — from assigning to editing — create, publish and distribute news content on both the Web and in print.” It also opens the process up to you and allows you to participate at whatever level you are comfortable. You can read more about it at http://jrcbenfranklinproject.wordpress.com.
I wish I had a humor column where I could just blather on about boring, humorless topics. Does anyone even care about the product MM is pushing here?
You will learn more about it in the coming weeks. As it unfolds, I encourage you to submit ideas to me for this column. You give me a premise and I’ll see if I can run with it. Be creative, be funny and tell me what you’d like to read. And use any of the aforementioned tools available to get the word to me.
Be creative and funny - you know, unlike anything you've ever read here!
So Chicken of the Sea is not really chicken, huh? How very disappointing. What’s next? Well, as we move forward, you get to play a big role in those decisions.
Unacceptable - "those decisions" is ridiculously vague. Is English this guy's first language? The two ideas above have nothing to do with each other, and yet he moves from one to the other as though he's making an effortlessly smooth transition. I can only hope that the ideas submitted by Morsch's readers are somewhat more coherent.
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
Morsch Describes a Thing
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
Elvis just too cool in 'Blue Hawaii'
If this is one of those "columns" where Morsch just talks about how much he likes a movie, I am going to be miffed. How long will his audience (me) tolerate these lame posts about "I had dinner with my daughter" or "I saw a play"?
Every once in a while I enjoy being reminded just how cool Elvis was. And in the film “Blue Hawaii,” Elvis is cooler than the other side of the pillow.
I guess Elvis was cool until he got hooked on drugs, put on 200 pounds, and died pinching a loaf. Then again, that's probably how Morsch is destined to go. He's already 1/3 of the way there.
It’s always been one of my favorite movies, so seeing it again recently was a treat. In fact, while watching the movie and enjoying the music, I got online and ordered the soundtrack, which arrived in the mail a few days later.
I wasn't going to comment on this paragraph, until I realized that the next paragraph is totally unrelated. That's it - he ordered the soundtrack, and it got delivered. Huh. Wonders will never cease.
Elvis, whose character is named Chadwick Gates, was only 26 years old when the film was made in 1961. One thing I didn’t know was that Angela Lansbury, who played his mother, Sarah Lee Gates, was only 36 years old at the time of filming. She later said the role was the worst of her career, but really, the comedy interaction between her and Fred Gates (understatedly portrayed by the brilliant actor Roland Winters, who I quite enjoyed in the role of Charlie Chan in several films) is hilarious.
This is totally uninteresting. This isn't even a movie review - he's just telling who played the characters and what the names of the characters are. He's like a talking version of IMDB.
Despite the wonderful Hawaiian scenery and, of course, the pretty girls that were a staple of many Elvis films, I always go back to the music in this movie.
You don't often hear people use the phrase "pretty girls." "Hey, dude, party this weekend!" "NICE! Will there be any pretty girls there?"
Critics over the years have described these Elvis movies as having dull plots and mediocre songs. But I really like the CD and have been playing it in my car since I got it. I particularly like “Rock-A-Hula Baby” and “Moonlight Swim.” Of course, the Elvis hit, “Can’t Help Falling in Love” would become Elvis’ closing song for many of the concerts in the 1970s.
I really like how he describes a song in an Elvis movie as "the Elvis hit." Totally useless. Just to make sure we know he's talking about Elvis, shouldn't he have said "many of the ELVIS concerts in the 1970s" as opposed to just "the concerts"? How can he be sure we'll know?
The album spent 20 weeks in 1961 as No. 1 on the Top Pop Albums chart, was Elvis’ biggest selling album during his lifetime and has been certified as triple platinum. The CD I have is a remastered version of the original with eight bonus tracks and was re-released in 1997.
Are you serious? To type this column, Morsch logged on to IMDB (maybe Wikipedia - actually probably Wikipedia) and Amazon.com. He then copied and pasted what he saw. Why would anyone want to read this?
The couple of hours I invested in watching the movie and the $10 I forked over for the CD was time and money well spent.
Way to end on a powerful note, Morsch.
Labels: " Outta Leftfield, "Blue Hawaii, Angela Lansbury, Charlie Chan, Elvis Presley, Mike Morsch, Montgomery Newspapers, Roland Winters
There is truly no method to the labeling madness. Why is Elvis listed after Charlie Chan? And why is Roland Winters, who played Chan and is mentioned before him, labeled last, after "Mike Morsch" and "Montgomery Newspapers"?
Elvis just too cool in 'Blue Hawaii'
If this is one of those "columns" where Morsch just talks about how much he likes a movie, I am going to be miffed. How long will his audience (me) tolerate these lame posts about "I had dinner with my daughter" or "I saw a play"?
Every once in a while I enjoy being reminded just how cool Elvis was. And in the film “Blue Hawaii,” Elvis is cooler than the other side of the pillow.
I guess Elvis was cool until he got hooked on drugs, put on 200 pounds, and died pinching a loaf. Then again, that's probably how Morsch is destined to go. He's already 1/3 of the way there.
It’s always been one of my favorite movies, so seeing it again recently was a treat. In fact, while watching the movie and enjoying the music, I got online and ordered the soundtrack, which arrived in the mail a few days later.
I wasn't going to comment on this paragraph, until I realized that the next paragraph is totally unrelated. That's it - he ordered the soundtrack, and it got delivered. Huh. Wonders will never cease.
Elvis, whose character is named Chadwick Gates, was only 26 years old when the film was made in 1961. One thing I didn’t know was that Angela Lansbury, who played his mother, Sarah Lee Gates, was only 36 years old at the time of filming. She later said the role was the worst of her career, but really, the comedy interaction between her and Fred Gates (understatedly portrayed by the brilliant actor Roland Winters, who I quite enjoyed in the role of Charlie Chan in several films) is hilarious.
This is totally uninteresting. This isn't even a movie review - he's just telling who played the characters and what the names of the characters are. He's like a talking version of IMDB.
Despite the wonderful Hawaiian scenery and, of course, the pretty girls that were a staple of many Elvis films, I always go back to the music in this movie.
You don't often hear people use the phrase "pretty girls." "Hey, dude, party this weekend!" "NICE! Will there be any pretty girls there?"
Critics over the years have described these Elvis movies as having dull plots and mediocre songs. But I really like the CD and have been playing it in my car since I got it. I particularly like “Rock-A-Hula Baby” and “Moonlight Swim.” Of course, the Elvis hit, “Can’t Help Falling in Love” would become Elvis’ closing song for many of the concerts in the 1970s.
I really like how he describes a song in an Elvis movie as "the Elvis hit." Totally useless. Just to make sure we know he's talking about Elvis, shouldn't he have said "many of the ELVIS concerts in the 1970s" as opposed to just "the concerts"? How can he be sure we'll know?
The album spent 20 weeks in 1961 as No. 1 on the Top Pop Albums chart, was Elvis’ biggest selling album during his lifetime and has been certified as triple platinum. The CD I have is a remastered version of the original with eight bonus tracks and was re-released in 1997.
Are you serious? To type this column, Morsch logged on to IMDB (maybe Wikipedia - actually probably Wikipedia) and Amazon.com. He then copied and pasted what he saw. Why would anyone want to read this?
The couple of hours I invested in watching the movie and the $10 I forked over for the CD was time and money well spent.
Way to end on a powerful note, Morsch.
Labels: " Outta Leftfield, "Blue Hawaii, Angela Lansbury, Charlie Chan, Elvis Presley, Mike Morsch, Montgomery Newspapers, Roland Winters
There is truly no method to the labeling madness. Why is Elvis listed after Charlie Chan? And why is Roland Winters, who played Chan and is mentioned before him, labeled last, after "Mike Morsch" and "Montgomery Newspapers"?
Sunday, April 25, 2010
Morsch vs. Palin: Round XVII
Like most libs, Morsch possesses an intense hatred for Sarah Palin. He devoted an entire Outta Leftfield entry to her, and now throws a few Twitter barbs in her direction.
I don't need to see a shot of Sarah Palin at the ballpark. She is of no significance as it relates to the Phillies. about 4 hours ago via web
Strange that he didn't moan about seeing Joe Biden or Jimmy Carter at recent Phillies games. Palin's a national celebrity - of course they're going to show her. Oh, and Morsch? McCain/Palin lost that election. There's nothing worse than a sore winner.
I mention that I'd prefer the TV types not show Sarah Palin in the stands at a Phillies game and I lose four followers. Coincidence? 1 minute ago via web
What's more sad - that Morsch religiously tracks his pathetic number of "followers," or that he thinks anyone actually cares what he has to say?
I don't need to see a shot of Sarah Palin at the ballpark. She is of no significance as it relates to the Phillies. about 4 hours ago via web
Strange that he didn't moan about seeing Joe Biden or Jimmy Carter at recent Phillies games. Palin's a national celebrity - of course they're going to show her. Oh, and Morsch? McCain/Palin lost that election. There's nothing worse than a sore winner.
I mention that I'd prefer the TV types not show Sarah Palin in the stands at a Phillies game and I lose four followers. Coincidence? 1 minute ago via web
What's more sad - that Morsch religiously tracks his pathetic number of "followers," or that he thinks anyone actually cares what he has to say?
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
Executive Editor Needs A Good Editor
Outta Leftfield
Published: Wednesday, April 21, 2010
By Mike Morsch
Executive Editor
Scientific rat tickling a real tale of mice and men
I had a moment of panic this morning, because this column wasn't published on the Souderton Independent website. I had to do a little searching through Montgomery Newspapers to find it. I have high hopes that this hilarious topic (animal testing - always fertile ground for guffaws) will not produce any reference to baseball.
It appears that rats love to be tickled. Who knew?
Well, the scientists figured it out because among the many things scientists like to study, laughter is among them. Hey, if I had known that goosing rats until they wet themselves was a legitimate scientific endeavor, I would have paid more attention in high school science class rather than snapping the bra strap of the girl who sat in front of me.
Read that again, folks: "because AMONG the many things scientists like to study, laughter is AMONG them." Morsch is AMONG the worst writers in newspaper history. Furthermore, I don't think that "goosing" is the same as tickling.
Times sure have changed, huh? For instance, I can't even laugh at the idea of snapping a girl's bra strap in school. That would get you suspended today, and possibly slapped with a lawsuit. But thankfully old perverts like MM can still chuckle at those sweet, innocent memories of sexual harassment.
According to a wire service story, laughter is a serious scientific subject, so much so that a neuroscientist named Robert Provine, a professor at the University of Maryland, has studied laughter for decades. It impresses me that an educator has spent his life devoted to studying laughter. I hope he’s fun at a party because it would be a bummer if he wasn’t.
Something about the phrase "spent his life devoted to studying" stikes me as odd. Anyone else think so? I think it would be more of a bummer if he spent his life studying comedy and wasn't fun at a party.
“All language groups laugh ‘ha-ha-ha’ basically the same way,” said Provine in the wire service story.
According to the professor, each “ha” is about one-15th of a second, repeated every fifth of a second.
Far be it for me to disagree with a scientist who has spent decades studying laughter,
Please do.
but he hasn’t spent much time with my language group.
Really? I'm pretty sure he has, unless something in the phrase "All language groups" means otherwise.
While there are times where I will throw out a “ha-ha-ha” laugh, more often than not, I am a “har-har-hardy-har-har” kind of guy. And I slap my knee so much that I need knee surgery.
Nobody says "hardy" when they are laughing. I've never heard anyone actually laugh and make the noise "har-har." And according to his article on the flower show, isn't his knee surgery necessitated by walking on hard concrete floors?
In fact, I have been known to giggle, chortle, guffaw and snort when I find something funny, such as when I consider the notion of guys in white lab coats tickling rats. That actually falls into the category of “yukking it up quite a bit.” And my “yuks” last well more than one-15th of a second.
This is what is known as "missing the point."
In fact, when I’m watching The Three Stooges, my “yuks” turn into “nyuks” and those last me most of the afternoon.
Does anyone really watch The Three Stooges these days? The only references to them I can remember come from Morsch, as a matter of fact.
According to Provine, deaf people laugh without hearing, and people on cell phones laugh without seeing, illustrating that laughter isn’t dependent on a single sense but on social interactions. And he adds that laughter is mostly about social responses rather than reaction to a joke.
It’s just that scientists consider laughing primal. No one teaches another person how to laugh, we just do it.
You know when we never do it? While reading your column.
People laugh involuntarily, in a specific rhythm and in certain spots in a conversation.
For example, if you and I are having a conversation and you inadvertently belch, I will probably laugh at that. I have since the fifth grade and I still do to this day.
I don't understand how this man is married. I really don't.
Speaking of the rats, a scientist named Jaak Panksepp, a psychology professor at Bowling Green University, is the dude who is doing all the rat tickling, according to the wire service story.
I'm making a prediction - Morsch will make fun of this guy's name. It's foreign! HA!
Not only can one look up Panksepp’s research on this in a scientific journal, if one goes to YouTube and types in “rat tickling,” one can watch Professor Panksepp grab a rat, roll the varmint over onto its back, and just goochie the poo right out of the animal. It’s pretty funny. The rat reacts much like a dog would when you scratch its belly, although I have yet to see any visual evidence that a rat’s leg will involuntarily go crazy nuts like the dog’s leg does in that scenario. In fact, if you tickled me my leg would do the same thing if I didn’t already need the knee surgery.
First he says that a rat reacts the same as a dog would when you scratch its belly... but then he says that its leg doesn't twitch. So how exactly is their reaction similar?
Panksepp then developed a method of measuring the high-pitched sounds the rats make when they are being tickled and determined they are actually not only enjoying the ticklefest but they are laughing out loud because of it. In fact, the rats like being goochied so much they will follow the professor’s hand around their Rat Town cages looking for the good professor to give them another tickle.
Something about how he's saying "goochied" instead of "tickled" strikes me as really dirty. I'm getting a bad taste in my mouth from it. It smacks of a dirty old man (i.e. Morsch) offering to "goochie" little girls on a playground.
While the researchers consider the study of laughter a serious bit of work, apparently the folks who pass out money for research grants do not share that opinion. In other words, they smell a rat.
Who didn't see that one coming a mile away?
According to Northwestern University biomedical engineering professor Jeffrey Burgdorf, he avoids using the word “laughter” when applying for grant money. He instead calls it “positive emotional response.”
He must be applying for government research grants. When was the last time the U.S. government had a sense a humor about anything (see former Vice President Dick Cheney)?
The U.S. government didn't have a sense of humor about Dick Cheney?
I'm sure Cheney is a pretty funny guy when you get to know him. Remember that "shotgun blast to the face" gag? Priceless!
Professor Panksepp agrees. “There’s no funding in fun research.”
But by studying rats, the researchers hope they can figure out what’s going on in the human brain during laughter.
I already know the answer to this. Inadvertent belching is just plain funny. And that’s something that tickles me more than the rats.
So the answer to "what's going on in the human brain during laughter" is "inadvertent belching is just plan funny." I know what's NOT going on in the human brain during laughter: Outta Leftfield.
I love how clever Morsch thinks he is with his call-backs. Hey, remember the "belching" joke I made a few paragraphs ago? Well BAM! Here it is again! It's like meeting an old friend.
Published: Wednesday, April 21, 2010
By Mike Morsch
Executive Editor
Scientific rat tickling a real tale of mice and men
I had a moment of panic this morning, because this column wasn't published on the Souderton Independent website. I had to do a little searching through Montgomery Newspapers to find it. I have high hopes that this hilarious topic (animal testing - always fertile ground for guffaws) will not produce any reference to baseball.
It appears that rats love to be tickled. Who knew?
Well, the scientists figured it out because among the many things scientists like to study, laughter is among them. Hey, if I had known that goosing rats until they wet themselves was a legitimate scientific endeavor, I would have paid more attention in high school science class rather than snapping the bra strap of the girl who sat in front of me.
Read that again, folks: "because AMONG the many things scientists like to study, laughter is AMONG them." Morsch is AMONG the worst writers in newspaper history. Furthermore, I don't think that "goosing" is the same as tickling.
Times sure have changed, huh? For instance, I can't even laugh at the idea of snapping a girl's bra strap in school. That would get you suspended today, and possibly slapped with a lawsuit. But thankfully old perverts like MM can still chuckle at those sweet, innocent memories of sexual harassment.
According to a wire service story, laughter is a serious scientific subject, so much so that a neuroscientist named Robert Provine, a professor at the University of Maryland, has studied laughter for decades. It impresses me that an educator has spent his life devoted to studying laughter. I hope he’s fun at a party because it would be a bummer if he wasn’t.
Something about the phrase "spent his life devoted to studying" stikes me as odd. Anyone else think so? I think it would be more of a bummer if he spent his life studying comedy and wasn't fun at a party.
“All language groups laugh ‘ha-ha-ha’ basically the same way,” said Provine in the wire service story.
According to the professor, each “ha” is about one-15th of a second, repeated every fifth of a second.
Far be it for me to disagree with a scientist who has spent decades studying laughter,
Please do.
but he hasn’t spent much time with my language group.
Really? I'm pretty sure he has, unless something in the phrase "All language groups" means otherwise.
While there are times where I will throw out a “ha-ha-ha” laugh, more often than not, I am a “har-har-hardy-har-har” kind of guy. And I slap my knee so much that I need knee surgery.
Nobody says "hardy" when they are laughing. I've never heard anyone actually laugh and make the noise "har-har." And according to his article on the flower show, isn't his knee surgery necessitated by walking on hard concrete floors?
In fact, I have been known to giggle, chortle, guffaw and snort when I find something funny, such as when I consider the notion of guys in white lab coats tickling rats. That actually falls into the category of “yukking it up quite a bit.” And my “yuks” last well more than one-15th of a second.
This is what is known as "missing the point."
In fact, when I’m watching The Three Stooges, my “yuks” turn into “nyuks” and those last me most of the afternoon.
Does anyone really watch The Three Stooges these days? The only references to them I can remember come from Morsch, as a matter of fact.
According to Provine, deaf people laugh without hearing, and people on cell phones laugh without seeing, illustrating that laughter isn’t dependent on a single sense but on social interactions. And he adds that laughter is mostly about social responses rather than reaction to a joke.
It’s just that scientists consider laughing primal. No one teaches another person how to laugh, we just do it.
You know when we never do it? While reading your column.
People laugh involuntarily, in a specific rhythm and in certain spots in a conversation.
For example, if you and I are having a conversation and you inadvertently belch, I will probably laugh at that. I have since the fifth grade and I still do to this day.
I don't understand how this man is married. I really don't.
Speaking of the rats, a scientist named Jaak Panksepp, a psychology professor at Bowling Green University, is the dude who is doing all the rat tickling, according to the wire service story.
I'm making a prediction - Morsch will make fun of this guy's name. It's foreign! HA!
Not only can one look up Panksepp’s research on this in a scientific journal, if one goes to YouTube and types in “rat tickling,” one can watch Professor Panksepp grab a rat, roll the varmint over onto its back, and just goochie the poo right out of the animal. It’s pretty funny. The rat reacts much like a dog would when you scratch its belly, although I have yet to see any visual evidence that a rat’s leg will involuntarily go crazy nuts like the dog’s leg does in that scenario. In fact, if you tickled me my leg would do the same thing if I didn’t already need the knee surgery.
First he says that a rat reacts the same as a dog would when you scratch its belly... but then he says that its leg doesn't twitch. So how exactly is their reaction similar?
Panksepp then developed a method of measuring the high-pitched sounds the rats make when they are being tickled and determined they are actually not only enjoying the ticklefest but they are laughing out loud because of it. In fact, the rats like being goochied so much they will follow the professor’s hand around their Rat Town cages looking for the good professor to give them another tickle.
Something about how he's saying "goochied" instead of "tickled" strikes me as really dirty. I'm getting a bad taste in my mouth from it. It smacks of a dirty old man (i.e. Morsch) offering to "goochie" little girls on a playground.
While the researchers consider the study of laughter a serious bit of work, apparently the folks who pass out money for research grants do not share that opinion. In other words, they smell a rat.
Who didn't see that one coming a mile away?
According to Northwestern University biomedical engineering professor Jeffrey Burgdorf, he avoids using the word “laughter” when applying for grant money. He instead calls it “positive emotional response.”
He must be applying for government research grants. When was the last time the U.S. government had a sense a humor about anything (see former Vice President Dick Cheney)?
The U.S. government didn't have a sense of humor about Dick Cheney?
I'm sure Cheney is a pretty funny guy when you get to know him. Remember that "shotgun blast to the face" gag? Priceless!
Professor Panksepp agrees. “There’s no funding in fun research.”
But by studying rats, the researchers hope they can figure out what’s going on in the human brain during laughter.
I already know the answer to this. Inadvertent belching is just plain funny. And that’s something that tickles me more than the rats.
So the answer to "what's going on in the human brain during laughter" is "inadvertent belching is just plan funny." I know what's NOT going on in the human brain during laughter: Outta Leftfield.
I love how clever Morsch thinks he is with his call-backs. Hey, remember the "belching" joke I made a few paragraphs ago? Well BAM! Here it is again! It's like meeting an old friend.
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
The Latest Disappointment
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
National Cheese Ball Day? Really?
First off, Morsch has not right to question the validity of anything. He lost that right when he started Outta Leftfield. Second, there are much stranger things associated with April 20th that he could write about. [Editor's Note: I am absolutely shocked that the fat, cheesy Morsch overlooks the opportunity to refer to himself as a "cheeseball." He's slipping.]
National Cheese Ball Day was Saturday, April 17. I know, I missed it, too.
In fact, the only reason I knew anything about it at all was because there was some chatter about it amongst my Twitter friends. Twitter chitter-chatter, as it were.
Ha... ha... ha? I guess if you don't have any real-life friends, your Twitter friends will have to do.
Naturally, I looked it up hoping to find out how cheese balls got their own national day of recognition. I mean, there is an International Talk Like A Pirate Day (every year on Sept. 19), so why wouldn’t there be a National Cheese Ball Day?
Turns out there are cheese ball recipes out the wazoo online, but there doesn’t seem to be much information on who is responsible for this National Cheese Ball Day, even though it’s apparently been celebrated for years. I just assumed somebody in Wisconsin had come up with the idea and I liked to send that person a note of thanks because I think we could round up enough support to eventually get the day off of work for this holiday.
The phrase "I liked to send that person a note of thanks" is so wrong you'd think that the executive editor of a newspaper group didn't write it. But he did. It should be a crime to waste words like this. These two ponderous paragraphs could read: "I heard it was National Cheeseball Day on Saturday. I looked around on the Internet but couldn't find much about it."
About the only fun fact I could find was that on July 20, 1801, a guy by the name of Elisha Brown Jr. pressed a 1,235-pound cheese ball at his farm. He reportedly was so impressed with himself that he presented huge cheese ball to President Thomas Jefferson at the White House.
I looked up this "fact" myself, and the key phrase in the article I read was "as legend has it." Meaning that there is no way this could have happened.
How do you suppose the conversation went between Jefferson and the White House doorman?
I've got a bad feeling about this...
Doorman: “Mr. President, there is some farmer at the door who says he’s got a 1,235-pound cheese ball to give you. What do you want me to tell him?”
Jefferson: “Send him to Wisconsin. Tell him to see a guy named Macaroni.”
Per Wikipedia: However, it was the Arabs who definitively invented macaroni in the Middle Ages. But for the purposes of hilariousness, we'll pretend it was invented by an actual guy named Macaroni who lived in Wisconsin in 1801. Right?
But wait... that's it? That's the entire conversation? Surely he could have come up with more than this. No... that's really it.
Sometimes, I just shake my head at all the national days of tomfoolery. And then I talk like a pirate. Argh!
To paraphrase Jerry Seinfeld: I don't know how official these "national days" really are. They're for fun. Note to Morsch: it's generally not funny to make fun of things that aren't taken seriously to begin with.
Labels: Elisha Brown Jr., Mike Morsch, Montgomery Newspapers, National Cheese Ball Day, Outta Leftfield, Thomas Jefferson
Anyone wonder why Thomas Jefferson is tagged here? Anyone taking bets on whether Elisha Brown Jr. will be labeled again?
National Cheese Ball Day? Really?
First off, Morsch has not right to question the validity of anything. He lost that right when he started Outta Leftfield. Second, there are much stranger things associated with April 20th that he could write about. [Editor's Note: I am absolutely shocked that the fat, cheesy Morsch overlooks the opportunity to refer to himself as a "cheeseball." He's slipping.]
National Cheese Ball Day was Saturday, April 17. I know, I missed it, too.
In fact, the only reason I knew anything about it at all was because there was some chatter about it amongst my Twitter friends. Twitter chitter-chatter, as it were.
Ha... ha... ha? I guess if you don't have any real-life friends, your Twitter friends will have to do.
Naturally, I looked it up hoping to find out how cheese balls got their own national day of recognition. I mean, there is an International Talk Like A Pirate Day (every year on Sept. 19), so why wouldn’t there be a National Cheese Ball Day?
Turns out there are cheese ball recipes out the wazoo online, but there doesn’t seem to be much information on who is responsible for this National Cheese Ball Day, even though it’s apparently been celebrated for years. I just assumed somebody in Wisconsin had come up with the idea and I liked to send that person a note of thanks because I think we could round up enough support to eventually get the day off of work for this holiday.
The phrase "I liked to send that person a note of thanks" is so wrong you'd think that the executive editor of a newspaper group didn't write it. But he did. It should be a crime to waste words like this. These two ponderous paragraphs could read: "I heard it was National Cheeseball Day on Saturday. I looked around on the Internet but couldn't find much about it."
About the only fun fact I could find was that on July 20, 1801, a guy by the name of Elisha Brown Jr. pressed a 1,235-pound cheese ball at his farm. He reportedly was so impressed with himself that he presented huge cheese ball to President Thomas Jefferson at the White House.
I looked up this "fact" myself, and the key phrase in the article I read was "as legend has it." Meaning that there is no way this could have happened.
How do you suppose the conversation went between Jefferson and the White House doorman?
I've got a bad feeling about this...
Doorman: “Mr. President, there is some farmer at the door who says he’s got a 1,235-pound cheese ball to give you. What do you want me to tell him?”
Jefferson: “Send him to Wisconsin. Tell him to see a guy named Macaroni.”
Per Wikipedia: However, it was the Arabs who definitively invented macaroni in the Middle Ages. But for the purposes of hilariousness, we'll pretend it was invented by an actual guy named Macaroni who lived in Wisconsin in 1801. Right?
But wait... that's it? That's the entire conversation? Surely he could have come up with more than this. No... that's really it.
Sometimes, I just shake my head at all the national days of tomfoolery. And then I talk like a pirate. Argh!
To paraphrase Jerry Seinfeld: I don't know how official these "national days" really are. They're for fun. Note to Morsch: it's generally not funny to make fun of things that aren't taken seriously to begin with.
Labels: Elisha Brown Jr., Mike Morsch, Montgomery Newspapers, National Cheese Ball Day, Outta Leftfield, Thomas Jefferson
Anyone wonder why Thomas Jefferson is tagged here? Anyone taking bets on whether Elisha Brown Jr. will be labeled again?
Sunday, April 18, 2010
Twitterpalooza
Herndon might be for real. Of course, the Phils do eventually have to get to the real part of the schedule. 7:30 PM Apr 14th via web
Hey Morsch - when you made this statement, Mr. Herndon had pitched 4.1 major league innings. IN HIS CAREER. Does the term "small sample size" mean anything? Plus, two days later, Herndon gave up five hits and four runs in 0.1 innings, raising his ERA to 7.71.
@meghanXrino - Amen. I go the ballgame to watch the whole ballgame. I cherish a rain delay. Means I get to spend more time at the ballpark. 7:58 PM Apr 14th via web in reply to meghanXrino
If your ratio of Every Other Word : The Word "Ballgame" was a measure of if you are "for real," I could say that Morsch may very well be "for real" after reading that sentence. Bonus points for saying "ballpark" a second later.
Not eating for two days is no fun at all. There must be an easier path to a colonoscopy. What happened to "turn your head and cough?" 7:45 AM Apr 15th via web
I'm pretty sure you never got a colonoscopy by turning your head and coughing. I imagine that not eating for two HOURS is no fun for Morsch, though.
Karl Rove is a clown. about 3 hours ago via web
Morsch is stupid. Staggeringly so. That makes him a very bad newspaperman but a very good liberal. Karl Rove, on the other hand, is a political mastermind. He has more brains in his second chin than Morsch has in all his chins and other fat rolls combined.
Also, compare a picture of Morsch and a picture of Rove. These guys could very well be brothers. Pick your battles carefully, Mr. Morsch.
Hey Morsch - when you made this statement, Mr. Herndon had pitched 4.1 major league innings. IN HIS CAREER. Does the term "small sample size" mean anything? Plus, two days later, Herndon gave up five hits and four runs in 0.1 innings, raising his ERA to 7.71.
@meghanXrino - Amen. I go the ballgame to watch the whole ballgame. I cherish a rain delay. Means I get to spend more time at the ballpark. 7:58 PM Apr 14th via web in reply to meghanXrino
If your ratio of Every Other Word : The Word "Ballgame" was a measure of if you are "for real," I could say that Morsch may very well be "for real" after reading that sentence. Bonus points for saying "ballpark" a second later.
Not eating for two days is no fun at all. There must be an easier path to a colonoscopy. What happened to "turn your head and cough?" 7:45 AM Apr 15th via web
I'm pretty sure you never got a colonoscopy by turning your head and coughing. I imagine that not eating for two HOURS is no fun for Morsch, though.
Karl Rove is a clown. about 3 hours ago via web
Morsch is stupid. Staggeringly so. That makes him a very bad newspaperman but a very good liberal. Karl Rove, on the other hand, is a political mastermind. He has more brains in his second chin than Morsch has in all his chins and other fat rolls combined.
Also, compare a picture of Morsch and a picture of Rove. These guys could very well be brothers. Pick your battles carefully, Mr. Morsch.
Thursday, April 15, 2010
Michael Smerconish - Pig Latin Scholar
Overheard while accidentally switching to 1210 WPHT during loathesome human penis and Obama bandwagon jumper Michael Smerconish's show:
Ixnay on the music-say.
You might say that he doesn't understand-tay how to speak-say Pig Latin-bay.
Ixnay on the music-say.
You might say that he doesn't understand-tay how to speak-say Pig Latin-bay.
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
Ayo Technology (Mike Morsch remix)
Column: One needs to be a very wise guy to understand the new smartphone
Published: Wednesday, April 14, 2010
By Mike Morsch
Executive Editor
"Column"??? No "Outta Leftfield"? Is he trying to re-brand himself, or is this a case of MM recycling a column he wrote for another paper? Mysteries abound.
The thing about getting a smartphone is that one assumes that the user is smarter than the phone. This wouldn’t necessarily be a correct assumption in my case.
Ha! Because you're so dumb, right? Ya big goof! Priceless!
In fact, the smart money at this point is on the smartphone and not the smart aleck.
Smart aleck (n) - An obnoxiously conceited person. A wise guy.
I'll let you decide if either of these definitions fit Mr. Morsch.
That’s right, I’m in the early stages of smartphone ownership and my initial reaction is … wow, this phone is smart and boy, am I stupid. This is not an entirely new revelation, mind you. As phones go, I have been known to be outwitted by two tin cans and a long string on occasion.
I doubt that MM types out his columns on a clattering old manual typewriter, so I would guess he has a passing knowledge of how to operate a computer. If you can do that, you can read the instruction booklet and operate a cell phone. It's getting to the poit where Morsch's next column will be something like "Hard to get a Leg Up on Dressing Myself."
But I needed a new phone and figured I would go with the state-of-the-art model, despite the fact that when it comes to technology, state-of-the-art is a status that is updated hourly.
Yes, because that's what the term "state-of-the-art" means.
Since I am a Verizon customer and have been happy with that carrier’s service for several years now, I was not in line for an iPhone, which is an AT&T product. The Verizon equivalent of the iPhone is called the Droid.
This just in! There's a new device called the "Nin Ten Do" that's even more advanced than our beloved Atari! Get in line now, folks.
Did you know that purchasing a Droid is akin to purchasing a car these days? Not from a cost standpoint, but when it was all said and done, it took me two hours of mulling about the Verizon store to complete the dadgummed transaction. Really, I have in the past driven off an auto dealership’s lot with a new car in less time than it took for me to get a new cell phone in my pocket.
That's not the right use of the word "mulling." I think he meant "milling." But whatever. It's a brave new world, isn't it, Mr. Morsch? Why, I remember the days when you could buy a Negro from the auction block faster than you can buy one of these "dadgummed" celly phones!
But the Verizon lady was extremely nice and knowledgeable when trying to explain to me all the cool things that the Droid can do. Apparently, one of the few things the Droid cannot do is pick up the kids from school. (I know because I asked.) I am certain, however, that Verizon’s research and development department is working to solve that little shortcoming as you read this.
Does Morsch seem oddly contemptuous of this technology? One can only imagine the kind of sass he worked up for the article about his first VCR.
At one point during the negotiations, the saleswoman came out from behind the counter to demonstrate one of the Droid’s snappy features. I was in the Royersford store and was planning to go to dinner with Younger Daughter after the transaction, so the saleswoman spoke the word “pizza” into the Droid.
Miraculously, the Droid automatically flashed up a satellite picture of a 10-mile radius from where we were standing and listed the addresses of pizza joints within that 10-mile radius.
About as much a miracle as typing "pizza" into Google. Except it's on a phone. Is this really that amazing?
“How cool is that?” said the saleslady.
“Uh, that’s pretty cool, but we weren’t going to have pizza tonight,” I said. “And besides, all that satellite technology is great and everything, but could you, uh … teach me how to answer a phone call.”
I'm guessing what happened next is that the saleslady said "dumb bastard" into the phone, and a satellite picture of Morsch's bald head appeared. Of course MM wouldn't think this is cool - he once used the phrase "How cool is that?" to describe getting a 1974 baseball card. Nerd.
Having eventually secured the purchase, it wasn’t until I got home with the Droid that I realized that not only could I talk to the phone, but that the phone could talk back to me. It says “Drrrroooiiiddd,” which makes sense I guess. I would be suspicious if it said “iPhone.”
A planet where MACHINES speak as MEN?
Apparently, though, the Droid doesn’t like to sound off until the middle of the night, and then it does so in a voice that sounds like Lurch from the Addams Family.
Try getting awakened from a sound sleep in the middle of the night by a gadget on the nightstand right next to your ear that sounds like Lurch. Naturally, it scared the beejeezus out of me and very nearly startled my bladder into action.
Replace "very nearly" with "absolutely."
So after nearly two weeks, I still haven’t figured out how to get the Droid to shut up. Maybe if I just say “shut up” into the phone. But I have resigned myself to the fact that until I figure out how to change it, the phone will say “Drrroooiiiddd” to me every time I’m within 10 miles of a Royersford pizza joint, I think.
Maybe use the instruction booklet.
If it were really a smart phone, though, it would say “Yooouuu raaaannnggg?” when fielding an incoming phone call without me having to program it to do so. I mean, really, it already has the Lurch voice and it’s a phone. Why isn’t it smart enough to say “Yooouuu raaannnggg?”
Who's more stupid - a phone that can be programmed to say literally anything while "fielding" an incoming phone call, or a guy who thinks the default setting should be a reference to a kitschy old sit-com?
A minimal amount of research revealed that the first smartphone was designed by IBM in the early 1990s and was named “Simon.” I believe that given the advancements in technology since then, Verizon may have missed a creative naming opportunity with the Droid. I am disappointed it’s not called the “Lurch.” But hey, I can zero in on any slice of pizza in the Royersford area with no problem at all. I guess there are tradeoffs in all aspects of technological life.
"What've we got, Sarge?"
"Well, it's a dead horse, Detective, no question about it."
"No matter how many times you see it, it doesn't get any easier, does it?"
"Not just that... but it looks like somebody... beat it. After it was dead."
"What a sick monster. I want this guy, Sarge. I want him bad."
So I am continuing to learn how to fully utilize what the smartphone has to offer. And now I’m connected 24/7.
It remains to be seen if I’ve made the right call on this one.
Settle on a theme, huh? The whole column was a mockery of the smart phone, and you end it with a little... whatever. It's like telling a joke, but shrugging instead of telling the punchline.
Published: Wednesday, April 14, 2010
By Mike Morsch
Executive Editor
"Column"??? No "Outta Leftfield"? Is he trying to re-brand himself, or is this a case of MM recycling a column he wrote for another paper? Mysteries abound.
The thing about getting a smartphone is that one assumes that the user is smarter than the phone. This wouldn’t necessarily be a correct assumption in my case.
Ha! Because you're so dumb, right? Ya big goof! Priceless!
In fact, the smart money at this point is on the smartphone and not the smart aleck.
Smart aleck (n) - An obnoxiously conceited person. A wise guy.
I'll let you decide if either of these definitions fit Mr. Morsch.
That’s right, I’m in the early stages of smartphone ownership and my initial reaction is … wow, this phone is smart and boy, am I stupid. This is not an entirely new revelation, mind you. As phones go, I have been known to be outwitted by two tin cans and a long string on occasion.
I doubt that MM types out his columns on a clattering old manual typewriter, so I would guess he has a passing knowledge of how to operate a computer. If you can do that, you can read the instruction booklet and operate a cell phone. It's getting to the poit where Morsch's next column will be something like "Hard to get a Leg Up on Dressing Myself."
But I needed a new phone and figured I would go with the state-of-the-art model, despite the fact that when it comes to technology, state-of-the-art is a status that is updated hourly.
Yes, because that's what the term "state-of-the-art" means.
Since I am a Verizon customer and have been happy with that carrier’s service for several years now, I was not in line for an iPhone, which is an AT&T product. The Verizon equivalent of the iPhone is called the Droid.
This just in! There's a new device called the "Nin Ten Do" that's even more advanced than our beloved Atari! Get in line now, folks.
Did you know that purchasing a Droid is akin to purchasing a car these days? Not from a cost standpoint, but when it was all said and done, it took me two hours of mulling about the Verizon store to complete the dadgummed transaction. Really, I have in the past driven off an auto dealership’s lot with a new car in less time than it took for me to get a new cell phone in my pocket.
That's not the right use of the word "mulling." I think he meant "milling." But whatever. It's a brave new world, isn't it, Mr. Morsch? Why, I remember the days when you could buy a Negro from the auction block faster than you can buy one of these "dadgummed" celly phones!
But the Verizon lady was extremely nice and knowledgeable when trying to explain to me all the cool things that the Droid can do. Apparently, one of the few things the Droid cannot do is pick up the kids from school. (I know because I asked.) I am certain, however, that Verizon’s research and development department is working to solve that little shortcoming as you read this.
Does Morsch seem oddly contemptuous of this technology? One can only imagine the kind of sass he worked up for the article about his first VCR.
At one point during the negotiations, the saleswoman came out from behind the counter to demonstrate one of the Droid’s snappy features. I was in the Royersford store and was planning to go to dinner with Younger Daughter after the transaction, so the saleswoman spoke the word “pizza” into the Droid.
Miraculously, the Droid automatically flashed up a satellite picture of a 10-mile radius from where we were standing and listed the addresses of pizza joints within that 10-mile radius.
About as much a miracle as typing "pizza" into Google. Except it's on a phone. Is this really that amazing?
“How cool is that?” said the saleslady.
“Uh, that’s pretty cool, but we weren’t going to have pizza tonight,” I said. “And besides, all that satellite technology is great and everything, but could you, uh … teach me how to answer a phone call.”
I'm guessing what happened next is that the saleslady said "dumb bastard" into the phone, and a satellite picture of Morsch's bald head appeared. Of course MM wouldn't think this is cool - he once used the phrase "How cool is that?" to describe getting a 1974 baseball card. Nerd.
Having eventually secured the purchase, it wasn’t until I got home with the Droid that I realized that not only could I talk to the phone, but that the phone could talk back to me. It says “Drrrroooiiiddd,” which makes sense I guess. I would be suspicious if it said “iPhone.”
A planet where MACHINES speak as MEN?
Apparently, though, the Droid doesn’t like to sound off until the middle of the night, and then it does so in a voice that sounds like Lurch from the Addams Family.
Try getting awakened from a sound sleep in the middle of the night by a gadget on the nightstand right next to your ear that sounds like Lurch. Naturally, it scared the beejeezus out of me and very nearly startled my bladder into action.
Replace "very nearly" with "absolutely."
So after nearly two weeks, I still haven’t figured out how to get the Droid to shut up. Maybe if I just say “shut up” into the phone. But I have resigned myself to the fact that until I figure out how to change it, the phone will say “Drrroooiiiddd” to me every time I’m within 10 miles of a Royersford pizza joint, I think.
Maybe use the instruction booklet.
If it were really a smart phone, though, it would say “Yooouuu raaaannnggg?” when fielding an incoming phone call without me having to program it to do so. I mean, really, it already has the Lurch voice and it’s a phone. Why isn’t it smart enough to say “Yooouuu raaannnggg?”
Who's more stupid - a phone that can be programmed to say literally anything while "fielding" an incoming phone call, or a guy who thinks the default setting should be a reference to a kitschy old sit-com?
A minimal amount of research revealed that the first smartphone was designed by IBM in the early 1990s and was named “Simon.” I believe that given the advancements in technology since then, Verizon may have missed a creative naming opportunity with the Droid. I am disappointed it’s not called the “Lurch.” But hey, I can zero in on any slice of pizza in the Royersford area with no problem at all. I guess there are tradeoffs in all aspects of technological life.
"What've we got, Sarge?"
"Well, it's a dead horse, Detective, no question about it."
"No matter how many times you see it, it doesn't get any easier, does it?"
"Not just that... but it looks like somebody... beat it. After it was dead."
"What a sick monster. I want this guy, Sarge. I want him bad."
So I am continuing to learn how to fully utilize what the smartphone has to offer. And now I’m connected 24/7.
It remains to be seen if I’ve made the right call on this one.
Settle on a theme, huh? The whole column was a mockery of the smart phone, and you end it with a little... whatever. It's like telling a joke, but shrugging instead of telling the punchline.
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
It's a Long, Long Season...
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
The sights and sounds of Opening Day
Unacceptable. Surely this man must think about and experience things other than baseball. Then again, maybe he doesn't - we go from a story about a charity drive that somehow morphs into a baseball story to this little gem, which makes no bones about its theme. At least he's being honest this time.
The Phillies home opener this year was what one would expect from the defending National League Champions. Lots of fun and lots of sun.
And lots of cliched rhymes! He's like Andre the Giant from The Princess Bride.
Mandy Patinkin: "Those Philles, they'll be lots of FUN..."
Morsch: "Fun... fun... and I hope that we'll have lots of... sun!"
Mandy Patinkin:"Ah, Morsch, you have a great gift for rhyme."
Morsch: (Long pause, blank stare) "Uh... I like baseball."
Among the sights, sounds and firsts of the 2010 baseball season were:
— My Opening Day lunch consisted of, what else, a cheese steak (Whiz witout) and crab fries.
For the record, I hate specialized orders like that. "Wiz witout." Wow, he's so hip! The only surprise in this paragraph is that there's no refernce to him spilling things on himself. And honestly, when he says "what else," you would really expect a hot dog reference, wouldn't you?
- The first Opening Day beer was cold enough. But depending on one’s preferred brand, it cost between $7.25 and $7.75 a bottle. At this age, I just do not like beer that much at that price. My first beer of the season will likely be my last beer of the season at the ballpark.
Where has Morsch been for the past 25 years? Like expensive ballpark food is anything new. The degree of specificity here is amazing... does he really need to point out the $0.50 swing in price? Couldn't he have just said "it cost about $7.50"? Apparently a high price is the only thing that can separare MM from his precious, precious booze.
— Adult males who wear their ballcaps backwards ought to turn them around, unless of course they are indeed catchers in real life.
Yeah, and boys shouldn't wear jewelry! And pull up those pants, they're hanging too low! And why are you wearing sunglasses indoors? And break up those interracial couples!
— The Phillie Phanatic is just a big goof. He gets a pass, though, because “being a big goof” is actually in his job description. I am trying to think of a way to get it into my job description.
Yes... yes, the Phanatic partakes in screwball antics. Unlike those other mascots who maintain a more dignified, formal air.
— Thanks to Managing Editor Craig Ostroff, I found a free parking space for the first time in 10 years of going to Phillies games. But I’m not telling you where it is because I want it to be available for me.
Hint: The parking spot was Managing Editor Craig Ostroff's driveway.
— I never get tired of hearing “Take Me Out To The Ballgame.” I was unsuccessful at getting it played at my wedding, but I have left specific instructions that it be played at my funeral, where the charge for beer will be substantially less than what it is at the ballpark.
That request should have been The Blonde Accountant's final warning to get out while the getting's good. And I have to say that his beer reference here is rather clever.
All in all, it was a great home opener for the Phillies. The good guys won and are off to a good start.
Funny that his "sights and sounds of opening day" article has had virtually no Phillies reference until now. Did he even watch the game?
And this was the fourth Opening Day I’ve spent at the ballpark without my dad. He wasn’t from around here and he wasn’t a Phillies fan, but I certainly got my love of baseball from him.
He would have enjoyed the Phanatic. My dad was always fond of big goofs.
I can see what he's doing here. The Phanatic is a goof, which Morsch cleverly insterted into the column earlier; Morsch himself is a goof; therefore, Morsch's dad was fond of him. Please see Morsch's rambling, vague column about baseball cards for more about his dad.
Labels: Mike Morsch, Montgomery Newspapers, Outta Leftfield, Phillie Phanatic, Phillies
Nice job with the lables here. Surprisingly, the "Phillie Phanatic" label actually links to another story! In it, the Phanatic is indeed referenced in passing... and Morsch describes himself as "a big goof." Coincidence? YOU be the judge.
The "Philles" label brings up four (ONLY FOUR???) stories, one of which is a story about Penn State football that mentions the Phillies once.
The sights and sounds of Opening Day
Unacceptable. Surely this man must think about and experience things other than baseball. Then again, maybe he doesn't - we go from a story about a charity drive that somehow morphs into a baseball story to this little gem, which makes no bones about its theme. At least he's being honest this time.
The Phillies home opener this year was what one would expect from the defending National League Champions. Lots of fun and lots of sun.
And lots of cliched rhymes! He's like Andre the Giant from The Princess Bride.
Mandy Patinkin: "Those Philles, they'll be lots of FUN..."
Morsch: "Fun... fun... and I hope that we'll have lots of... sun!"
Mandy Patinkin:"Ah, Morsch, you have a great gift for rhyme."
Morsch: (Long pause, blank stare) "Uh... I like baseball."
Among the sights, sounds and firsts of the 2010 baseball season were:
— My Opening Day lunch consisted of, what else, a cheese steak (Whiz witout) and crab fries.
For the record, I hate specialized orders like that. "Wiz witout." Wow, he's so hip! The only surprise in this paragraph is that there's no refernce to him spilling things on himself. And honestly, when he says "what else," you would really expect a hot dog reference, wouldn't you?
- The first Opening Day beer was cold enough. But depending on one’s preferred brand, it cost between $7.25 and $7.75 a bottle. At this age, I just do not like beer that much at that price. My first beer of the season will likely be my last beer of the season at the ballpark.
Where has Morsch been for the past 25 years? Like expensive ballpark food is anything new. The degree of specificity here is amazing... does he really need to point out the $0.50 swing in price? Couldn't he have just said "it cost about $7.50"? Apparently a high price is the only thing that can separare MM from his precious, precious booze.
— Adult males who wear their ballcaps backwards ought to turn them around, unless of course they are indeed catchers in real life.
Yeah, and boys shouldn't wear jewelry! And pull up those pants, they're hanging too low! And why are you wearing sunglasses indoors? And break up those interracial couples!
— The Phillie Phanatic is just a big goof. He gets a pass, though, because “being a big goof” is actually in his job description. I am trying to think of a way to get it into my job description.
Yes... yes, the Phanatic partakes in screwball antics. Unlike those other mascots who maintain a more dignified, formal air.
— Thanks to Managing Editor Craig Ostroff, I found a free parking space for the first time in 10 years of going to Phillies games. But I’m not telling you where it is because I want it to be available for me.
Hint: The parking spot was Managing Editor Craig Ostroff's driveway.
— I never get tired of hearing “Take Me Out To The Ballgame.” I was unsuccessful at getting it played at my wedding, but I have left specific instructions that it be played at my funeral, where the charge for beer will be substantially less than what it is at the ballpark.
That request should have been The Blonde Accountant's final warning to get out while the getting's good. And I have to say that his beer reference here is rather clever.
All in all, it was a great home opener for the Phillies. The good guys won and are off to a good start.
Funny that his "sights and sounds of opening day" article has had virtually no Phillies reference until now. Did he even watch the game?
And this was the fourth Opening Day I’ve spent at the ballpark without my dad. He wasn’t from around here and he wasn’t a Phillies fan, but I certainly got my love of baseball from him.
He would have enjoyed the Phanatic. My dad was always fond of big goofs.
I can see what he's doing here. The Phanatic is a goof, which Morsch cleverly insterted into the column earlier; Morsch himself is a goof; therefore, Morsch's dad was fond of him. Please see Morsch's rambling, vague column about baseball cards for more about his dad.
Labels: Mike Morsch, Montgomery Newspapers, Outta Leftfield, Phillie Phanatic, Phillies
Nice job with the lables here. Surprisingly, the "Phillie Phanatic" label actually links to another story! In it, the Phanatic is indeed referenced in passing... and Morsch describes himself as "a big goof." Coincidence? YOU be the judge.
The "Philles" label brings up four (ONLY FOUR???) stories, one of which is a story about Penn State football that mentions the Phillies once.
Saturday, April 10, 2010
Proving Me Right
If you'll recall, in a recent post, I made the following statement in regard to Mike Morsch's word choice:
First off, the word "schlep" should be relegated to the pages of Mad Magazine, along with all the other vaguely Yiddish words like "schmuck" that haven't been used outside of Queens since the summer of '69.
Checking out his Twitter account, I stumbled upon two recent comments from MM:
@OuttaHerrrrreee Schlub is a great word.
@OuttaHerrrrreee Schmoe, shnook and galoot are effective as well.
Thank you, sir. You have proved my point exactly.
First off, the word "schlep" should be relegated to the pages of Mad Magazine, along with all the other vaguely Yiddish words like "schmuck" that haven't been used outside of Queens since the summer of '69.
Checking out his Twitter account, I stumbled upon two recent comments from MM:
@OuttaHerrrrreee Schlub is a great word.
@OuttaHerrrrreee Schmoe, shnook and galoot are effective as well.
Thank you, sir. You have proved my point exactly.
Friday, April 9, 2010
Questions Abound
Via Morsch's Twitter:
The Big Piece!
5:39 PM Apr 7th via twidroid
My best guess about what this refers to: it's the first in a long line of nicknames Morsch wishes the Blonde Accountant has for him.
The Big Piece!
5:39 PM Apr 7th via twidroid
My best guess about what this refers to: it's the first in a long line of nicknames Morsch wishes the Blonde Accountant has for him.
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
Morsch Goes for the Record
Outta Leftfield: Left holding the bag … for a good cause
Published: Wednesday, April 07, 2010
Uh-oh... will this column be continuing the recent trend of "I went to a show, it was really fun"-type entries? [Editor's note: No... it's something far, far worse...]
Just once, I wish I was as lucky at the lottery as I am with purses.
Brandywine Assisted Living at Dresher Estates had its annual purse party last week, and my friend Marge Jacoby — the director of community relations for the facility —invited me to attend.
Now given the fact that I am more of a ballpark guy than I am a purse party guy, one would think that this would have been my first purse party invitation. That would be wrong.
I call a foul on this! Unless the event he is attending is a baseball game or a concert, he will inevitably compare said event (i.e. a flower show, a spelling bee, etc) to a baseball game. At this point, I don't think regular readers (i.e. me) need to be reminded that MM likes baseball.
I was invited to the soiree two years ago — a great sense of humor, that Marge — and ended up going by myself and actually winning a Coach purse, which was confiscated immediately by The Blonde Accountant upon my arrival home. That was OK by me because that particular purse didn’t go with any of my shoes, so I really had no use for it anyway.
Credit where credit is due - I actually thought the "didn't match my shoes" part was kinda funny.
In addition, that first purse party featured a three-legged dog named Lucky — a pet of one of the facility’s residents — who hung around the party being, well … three-legged. A three-legged dog doesn’t have to do much more than just hang around to get attention.
Thank goodness! We're back to familiar territory - mocking disabled animals.
So the mere fact that I attended a purse party with a three-legged dog and actually ended up winning a purse is nothing short of comedy gold. I couldn’t make that up, even with substantial help from beer. In hindsight, maybe I should have let the dog pick my lottery numbers.
Actually it's more like comedy pyrite. And hey, we've got another beer reference! Beer: the drink of classy gentlemen everywhere.
It is under that backdrop that I attended the most recent purse party, designed as a fundraiser this year for the Community Ambulance Association, Ambler.
Unlike the first time, though, I was bringing along some heavy hitters in the area of handbags — The Blonde Accountant and Daughter of Blonde Accountant. Neither of them would have the foggiest notion of how to properly spill mustard on themselves at the ballpark. But purses they know. (And shoes, but that goes without saying, I think.)
Hey-oh! Morsch is really kicking it up a notch here. The mustard comment (complete with yet another "ballpark" reference) is a call-back to last week's column about the Phillies hot dogs, and the shoes thing is, I suspect, a reference to the column that was sort of about shoes from a few weeks ago.
Attending a purse party with those who have expertise in that area relegated me back to a familiar role, that of somewhat disconnected and slightly befuddled onlooker. After all, I have been on many shopping excursions and I am a charter member of the Society of Clueless Husbands Looking at Expensive Purses (SCHLEP), so at the very least, I know my role in these types of situations — and that is to be quiet, find a place to sit down and take a nap. Wake me when a ballgame breaks out, will ya?
First off, the word "schlep" should be relegated to the pages of Mad Magazine, along with all the other vaguely Yiddish words like "schmuck" that haven't been used outside of Queens since the summer of '69. And my goodness - a THIRD baseball reference, and a possible call-back to his spelling bee column!
Actually, the purse party was indeed right in the wheelhouse of The Blonde Accountant and Daughter of Blonde Accountant, as I suspected it would be. They both enjoyed perusing the various handbags being raffled and dropping their tickets into the drawings for their favorites. Add a bit of tea and crumpets-type snacks to the festivities and it really was more of purse party than it was a ballgame — to the surprise of nobody but me, apparently.
Can't... go on... fourth baseball reference... too... much...
In the absence of the three-legged dog — his owner had moved to another facility — the Dresher Estates staff did not disappoint when it came to providing me with an adequate distraction.
What, no crippled old people to ridicule?
Tracey Murphy, director of arts and entertainment at Dresher Estates, worked the room greeting people while carrying a couple of guinea pigs in her pocket, to the surprise and enjoyment of many attending. Although I was unable to get a close enough look at the guinea pigs to see if any of them was three-legged, I do believe that cute little critters generally have a high ceiling when it comes to entertainment value. That is, of course, unless they happened to have an accident in their handler’s pocket. Naturally, that would have been highly entertaining to me but I’m not so sure Tracey would have found it that funny.
I guess it would be pretty hard to relate guinea pigs to a baseball game, so I'll give him a pass on this paragraph.
The event raised approximately $600 for Ambler Ambulance, which Dresher Estates will present to the group at a later date. Drew Lavenberg, chief of operations for Ambler Ambulance, was on hand — looking quite a bit more strapping and dashing in his uniform than I did in my rumpled editor’s getup — for the festivities and expressed his appreciation for the fundraising efforts.
$600, huh? That ought to buy that half a tire they've been hoping for. MM frequently describes himself as "rumpled," perhaps attempting to gain a Columbo-esque charm. He fails.
And wouldn’t you know it, Daughter of Blonde Accountant had one of her tickets pulled and won a Marc Ecko handbag. For the record, I do not know this Marc Ecko as he does not appear to be on the Phillies Opening Day roster.
Alright, that's enough. Seriously. This has gone from "running gag" to "annoying crutch." And this is not the first time that Morsch has made the connection between an unusual name and the Philles roster.
To say that Daughter of Blonde Accountant is quite pleased with the handbag would be like saying that I would be quite pleased to catch a Ryan Howard home run ball. Happy dance, happy dance, happy dance!
Is this even possible???
Alas, I never win anything that I want, like tickets to the ballgame. But we got purses coming out our ears at our house and apparently we can win more of those. As far as winning the lottery … pfffftttt!
Yes... yes, it is possible. Is that seven? Seven baseball references?
Looks like I’m destined to be left holding the handbag on that one.
And the usual incomprehensible last sentence that "ties it all together." But really, he was so close to eight - couldn't he have did a little Shane Victorino "stolen bag" reference or something?
Published: Wednesday, April 07, 2010
Uh-oh... will this column be continuing the recent trend of "I went to a show, it was really fun"-type entries? [Editor's note: No... it's something far, far worse...]
Just once, I wish I was as lucky at the lottery as I am with purses.
Brandywine Assisted Living at Dresher Estates had its annual purse party last week, and my friend Marge Jacoby — the director of community relations for the facility —invited me to attend.
Now given the fact that I am more of a ballpark guy than I am a purse party guy, one would think that this would have been my first purse party invitation. That would be wrong.
I call a foul on this! Unless the event he is attending is a baseball game or a concert, he will inevitably compare said event (i.e. a flower show, a spelling bee, etc) to a baseball game. At this point, I don't think regular readers (i.e. me) need to be reminded that MM likes baseball.
I was invited to the soiree two years ago — a great sense of humor, that Marge — and ended up going by myself and actually winning a Coach purse, which was confiscated immediately by The Blonde Accountant upon my arrival home. That was OK by me because that particular purse didn’t go with any of my shoes, so I really had no use for it anyway.
Credit where credit is due - I actually thought the "didn't match my shoes" part was kinda funny.
In addition, that first purse party featured a three-legged dog named Lucky — a pet of one of the facility’s residents — who hung around the party being, well … three-legged. A three-legged dog doesn’t have to do much more than just hang around to get attention.
Thank goodness! We're back to familiar territory - mocking disabled animals.
So the mere fact that I attended a purse party with a three-legged dog and actually ended up winning a purse is nothing short of comedy gold. I couldn’t make that up, even with substantial help from beer. In hindsight, maybe I should have let the dog pick my lottery numbers.
Actually it's more like comedy pyrite. And hey, we've got another beer reference! Beer: the drink of classy gentlemen everywhere.
It is under that backdrop that I attended the most recent purse party, designed as a fundraiser this year for the Community Ambulance Association, Ambler.
Unlike the first time, though, I was bringing along some heavy hitters in the area of handbags — The Blonde Accountant and Daughter of Blonde Accountant. Neither of them would have the foggiest notion of how to properly spill mustard on themselves at the ballpark. But purses they know. (And shoes, but that goes without saying, I think.)
Hey-oh! Morsch is really kicking it up a notch here. The mustard comment (complete with yet another "ballpark" reference) is a call-back to last week's column about the Phillies hot dogs, and the shoes thing is, I suspect, a reference to the column that was sort of about shoes from a few weeks ago.
Attending a purse party with those who have expertise in that area relegated me back to a familiar role, that of somewhat disconnected and slightly befuddled onlooker. After all, I have been on many shopping excursions and I am a charter member of the Society of Clueless Husbands Looking at Expensive Purses (SCHLEP), so at the very least, I know my role in these types of situations — and that is to be quiet, find a place to sit down and take a nap. Wake me when a ballgame breaks out, will ya?
First off, the word "schlep" should be relegated to the pages of Mad Magazine, along with all the other vaguely Yiddish words like "schmuck" that haven't been used outside of Queens since the summer of '69. And my goodness - a THIRD baseball reference, and a possible call-back to his spelling bee column!
Actually, the purse party was indeed right in the wheelhouse of The Blonde Accountant and Daughter of Blonde Accountant, as I suspected it would be. They both enjoyed perusing the various handbags being raffled and dropping their tickets into the drawings for their favorites. Add a bit of tea and crumpets-type snacks to the festivities and it really was more of purse party than it was a ballgame — to the surprise of nobody but me, apparently.
Can't... go on... fourth baseball reference... too... much...
In the absence of the three-legged dog — his owner had moved to another facility — the Dresher Estates staff did not disappoint when it came to providing me with an adequate distraction.
What, no crippled old people to ridicule?
Tracey Murphy, director of arts and entertainment at Dresher Estates, worked the room greeting people while carrying a couple of guinea pigs in her pocket, to the surprise and enjoyment of many attending. Although I was unable to get a close enough look at the guinea pigs to see if any of them was three-legged, I do believe that cute little critters generally have a high ceiling when it comes to entertainment value. That is, of course, unless they happened to have an accident in their handler’s pocket. Naturally, that would have been highly entertaining to me but I’m not so sure Tracey would have found it that funny.
I guess it would be pretty hard to relate guinea pigs to a baseball game, so I'll give him a pass on this paragraph.
The event raised approximately $600 for Ambler Ambulance, which Dresher Estates will present to the group at a later date. Drew Lavenberg, chief of operations for Ambler Ambulance, was on hand — looking quite a bit more strapping and dashing in his uniform than I did in my rumpled editor’s getup — for the festivities and expressed his appreciation for the fundraising efforts.
$600, huh? That ought to buy that half a tire they've been hoping for. MM frequently describes himself as "rumpled," perhaps attempting to gain a Columbo-esque charm. He fails.
And wouldn’t you know it, Daughter of Blonde Accountant had one of her tickets pulled and won a Marc Ecko handbag. For the record, I do not know this Marc Ecko as he does not appear to be on the Phillies Opening Day roster.
Alright, that's enough. Seriously. This has gone from "running gag" to "annoying crutch." And this is not the first time that Morsch has made the connection between an unusual name and the Philles roster.
To say that Daughter of Blonde Accountant is quite pleased with the handbag would be like saying that I would be quite pleased to catch a Ryan Howard home run ball. Happy dance, happy dance, happy dance!
Is this even possible???
Alas, I never win anything that I want, like tickets to the ballgame. But we got purses coming out our ears at our house and apparently we can win more of those. As far as winning the lottery … pfffftttt!
Yes... yes, it is possible. Is that seven? Seven baseball references?
Looks like I’m destined to be left holding the handbag on that one.
And the usual incomprehensible last sentence that "ties it all together." But really, he was so close to eight - couldn't he have did a little Shane Victorino "stolen bag" reference or something?
Tuesday, April 6, 2010
Boring Me Softly
Tuesday, April 6, 2010
A special 16th birthday in the city
For the past few years, Younger Daughter and I have celebrated her birthday with a shopping trip to South Street, dinner and a show. This year was a big one because it was her 16th birthday.
In inordinate number of his "columns" lately have been about his daughter. Just last week it was her being assistant stage manager for "Beauty and the Beast"; now it's something about her birthday. I wonder what it could be - a reflection on his own lost youth? A sentimental tale of a father's love for his daughter?
South Street, of course, is prime real estate for people watching, one of my favorite activities while on shopping trips because, well, there really isn’t anything else for me to do but sit around and watch people while Younger Daughter shops. And you can see just about everything on South Street, particular when it comes to clothes and tattoos. It’s a highlight real of humanity.
"Highlight real" is, of course, [sic]. Again, this man is the executive editor of a newspaper group. At this point, my only hope for the story is that a flash mob breaks out.
This year for dinner we ended up at one of those Japanese steakhouses where the chef cooks the food on grill right at your table. I hadn’t been to one of those places in about 30 years and had forgotten how entertaining and talented the chefs can be.
Perhaps this column isn't beyond saving - time for some classic Morsch ethnocentrism? Will he mock the name of the foreign chef?
At one point, the chef flipped a bite-sized bit of zucchini with his spatula up into the air and directly into my mouth. Of course, it took him three tries to get something into my big piehole, the first attempt going wide left and hitting me in the cheek with the second try coming in high and tight and clipping the end of my beezer.
"Beezer"? If this was any other context, I'd assume it's MM's pet name for his genitalia. Also, the phrases "wide left" and "high and tight" smack of unnecessary baseball references... but I'll let it pass.
I still can’t figure out how he missed a mouth as big as mine. Twice.
Classic MM self-deprecation. Isn't he belaboring the point, though?
We capped off the evening by seeing the play “Fallen Angels” at the Walnut Street Theater. Younger Daughter is very much into theater arts and we enjoyed the show quite a bit. The Walnut Street Theater is a real landmark and a real treasure.
It was a wonderful day for father and daughter to spend some time together.
And that's it? That's all he could muster? This isn't even sentimental, it's just... the story of what happened one day. This is the "Seinfeld" of Outta Leftfield posts. It's a post about nothing.
Labels: Mike Morsch, Montgomery Newspapers, Outta Leftfield, South Street, Walnut Street Theater
Any chance either South Street or the Walnut Street Theater will crop up here again?
A special 16th birthday in the city
For the past few years, Younger Daughter and I have celebrated her birthday with a shopping trip to South Street, dinner and a show. This year was a big one because it was her 16th birthday.
In inordinate number of his "columns" lately have been about his daughter. Just last week it was her being assistant stage manager for "Beauty and the Beast"; now it's something about her birthday. I wonder what it could be - a reflection on his own lost youth? A sentimental tale of a father's love for his daughter?
South Street, of course, is prime real estate for people watching, one of my favorite activities while on shopping trips because, well, there really isn’t anything else for me to do but sit around and watch people while Younger Daughter shops. And you can see just about everything on South Street, particular when it comes to clothes and tattoos. It’s a highlight real of humanity.
"Highlight real" is, of course, [sic]. Again, this man is the executive editor of a newspaper group. At this point, my only hope for the story is that a flash mob breaks out.
This year for dinner we ended up at one of those Japanese steakhouses where the chef cooks the food on grill right at your table. I hadn’t been to one of those places in about 30 years and had forgotten how entertaining and talented the chefs can be.
Perhaps this column isn't beyond saving - time for some classic Morsch ethnocentrism? Will he mock the name of the foreign chef?
At one point, the chef flipped a bite-sized bit of zucchini with his spatula up into the air and directly into my mouth. Of course, it took him three tries to get something into my big piehole, the first attempt going wide left and hitting me in the cheek with the second try coming in high and tight and clipping the end of my beezer.
"Beezer"? If this was any other context, I'd assume it's MM's pet name for his genitalia. Also, the phrases "wide left" and "high and tight" smack of unnecessary baseball references... but I'll let it pass.
I still can’t figure out how he missed a mouth as big as mine. Twice.
Classic MM self-deprecation. Isn't he belaboring the point, though?
We capped off the evening by seeing the play “Fallen Angels” at the Walnut Street Theater. Younger Daughter is very much into theater arts and we enjoyed the show quite a bit. The Walnut Street Theater is a real landmark and a real treasure.
It was a wonderful day for father and daughter to spend some time together.
And that's it? That's all he could muster? This isn't even sentimental, it's just... the story of what happened one day. This is the "Seinfeld" of Outta Leftfield posts. It's a post about nothing.
Labels: Mike Morsch, Montgomery Newspapers, Outta Leftfield, South Street, Walnut Street Theater
Any chance either South Street or the Walnut Street Theater will crop up here again?
Monday, April 5, 2010
Fun With Google
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
After 30 years, film still a '10'
Hard to believe that the movie “10” is more than 30 years old.
MM rambles on about this movie for a while, and manages to make an oblique beer reference via Animal House, before coming up with this little gem:
I’m pretty sure that in 1979, my focus was squarely on [Bo] Derek and her impressive assets. If one does a Google search on “20-year-old college male in 1979,” there is likely to be some reference of Bo Derek’s assets.
Searching for "20-year-old college male in 1979", in quotes, yields two results - both are links to Outta Leftfield. Without quotes, we find a census report on school enrollment in 1979, and then numerous references to reports on youth binge drinking. Oddly, through page 5 of the Google results, we see no reference to Ms. Derek (aside from a link to the Outta Leftfield weblog).
Labels: Bo Derek, Dudley Moore, Julie Andrews, Mike Morsch, Montgomery Newspapers, Outta Leftfield
Neither Bo Derek nor Dudley Moore nor Julie Andrews will ever be "labeled" again. Guaranteed.
After 30 years, film still a '10'
Hard to believe that the movie “10” is more than 30 years old.
MM rambles on about this movie for a while, and manages to make an oblique beer reference via Animal House, before coming up with this little gem:
I’m pretty sure that in 1979, my focus was squarely on [Bo] Derek and her impressive assets. If one does a Google search on “20-year-old college male in 1979,” there is likely to be some reference of Bo Derek’s assets.
Searching for "20-year-old college male in 1979", in quotes, yields two results - both are links to Outta Leftfield. Without quotes, we find a census report on school enrollment in 1979, and then numerous references to reports on youth binge drinking. Oddly, through page 5 of the Google results, we see no reference to Ms. Derek (aside from a link to the Outta Leftfield weblog).
Labels: Bo Derek, Dudley Moore, Julie Andrews, Mike Morsch, Montgomery Newspapers, Outta Leftfield
Neither Bo Derek nor Dudley Moore nor Julie Andrews will ever be "labeled" again. Guaranteed.
Numbers Mean Things
I was listening to FM sports station 97.5 ("The Fanatic") last night. A caller asked whether the Eagles might draft a quarterback this year, since they had just traded McNabb to the Redskins. Host Jon Marks replied:
Well that's what could happen, when you have two established, veteran guys like Michael Vick and Kevin Kolb...
Kevin Kolb, Career Games Played: 12 (over three seasons)
Well done, sirs.
Well that's what could happen, when you have two established, veteran guys like Michael Vick and Kevin Kolb...
Kevin Kolb, Career Games Played: 12 (over three seasons)
Well done, sirs.
Sunday, April 4, 2010
Jolly Time
Paul Jolovitz hosts a late-night sports talk show on location station 610 WIP. Discussing the Duke vs. Butler match-up for the national college basketball title game, a caller compared the game to David and Goliath, with Duke playing the Goliath role. Jolovitz's response:
It IS David and Goliath, but it's a Goliath people don't like.
Total simile failure.
It IS David and Goliath, but it's a Goliath people don't like.
Total simile failure.
Friday, April 2, 2010
Hardcore Parkour
Totally radical!!!
I stumbled across this while looking for videos on my hometown of Souderton (there weren't many). It's nice to see that mediocre skateboarding is still the #1 passtime of 15-year-olds in the Borough. And it's even nicer to see that being able to run, jump and climb apparently qualifies you for inclusion in the ninja-like order or parkour enthusiasts.
As you can tell from the video, parkour is a way for 15-year-olds who can't afford skateboards to still be able to injure themselves and loiter about on public property. It looks kinda fun, and I'm sure you can gain some measure of pride from hopping over tables and railings.
However, then I discovered this statement by the author of the video:
Parkour is a method of training which prepares me in a case of emergency, where I have to save people and/or myself, depending on the specific situation.
I'll grant him that perhaps he could save himself if the "emergency situation" takes place in an area with plentiful railings, wide ledges and no other people. But how's he going to save other people? Carry them on his back?
The following is a list of situations that I suggest would not be improved by the use of parkour:
Triangle Shirtwaist Fire
Hindenberg explosion
Sinking of the Lusitania
The Holocaust
Johnstown Flood
1992 Rodney King riots
The Tet Offensive
Wildebeest stampede from "The Lion King"
9/11
I stumbled across this while looking for videos on my hometown of Souderton (there weren't many). It's nice to see that mediocre skateboarding is still the #1 passtime of 15-year-olds in the Borough. And it's even nicer to see that being able to run, jump and climb apparently qualifies you for inclusion in the ninja-like order or parkour enthusiasts.
As you can tell from the video, parkour is a way for 15-year-olds who can't afford skateboards to still be able to injure themselves and loiter about on public property. It looks kinda fun, and I'm sure you can gain some measure of pride from hopping over tables and railings.
However, then I discovered this statement by the author of the video:
Parkour is a method of training which prepares me in a case of emergency, where I have to save people and/or myself, depending on the specific situation.
I'll grant him that perhaps he could save himself if the "emergency situation" takes place in an area with plentiful railings, wide ledges and no other people. But how's he going to save other people? Carry them on his back?
The following is a list of situations that I suggest would not be improved by the use of parkour:
Triangle Shirtwaist Fire
Hindenberg explosion
Sinking of the Lusitania
The Holocaust
Johnstown Flood
1992 Rodney King riots
The Tet Offensive
Wildebeest stampede from "The Lion King"
9/11
Thursday, April 1, 2010
Morsch and Rachel Ray Agree on Things
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
Hall & Oates belong in the 'hall'
Clever title! But since he's talking about the real-life Rock and Roll Hall of Fame… why'd he have to put quotes around 'hall' like he's making some kind of a metaphorical pun? Why didn't he just write Hall, capitalized, with no quotes?
Every year when the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame announces its newest class there is debate, not only about who gets in but about who has yet to be inducted.
This year ABBA, along with Genesis, The Hollies and The Stooges, were among those honored with induction and right away, folks are clamoring: What about Chicago? What about KISS? Moody Blues, Jethro Tull, Three Dog Night? The list of deserving musicians not in the rock hall is longer than the list of inductees.
For me, it’s, “What about Hall & Oates?” And it’s not because Daryl and John, from Pottstown and North Wales respectively, are local boys. It’s not because I have had the pleasure of interviewing each of them for stories in Montgomery Newspapers over the past few years.
Actually, I think that has a lot to do with it. Morsch love dropping the names of the so-called "celebrities" he gets to "interview" for his "newspaper."
It’s because every time I get into my car, I’ll choose a Hall & Oates album to listen to over just about any other CD that I have. It’s about the music. I virtually grew up with, and have liked a good number, of H&O songs over the years.
Okay, so here's the checklist for Rock and Roll Hall of Fame induction, according to Morsch:
1.) You pick their albums over "just about" any others
2.) You grew up with the music
3.) You like "a good number" of their songs
That's a ringing endorsement.
Why, I even considered naming Older Daughter “Sarah Smile Morsch.” That’s how much I liked that song and that music.
Isn't a song, by definition, music? A bit redundant isn't it? WHAT? Shut up!
The KISS and Chicago fans — of which I consider myself one of both groups — can wait. Television personality Rachel Ray, who has been lobbying for H&O to be inducted into the rock hall, is right. Daryl and John belong.
Good lord, read that again - "of which I consider myself one of both groups." And this guy writes for a newspaper? "Daryl and John," huh? They're on a first name basis. I'm no huge Rock and Roll buff, but I would think of KISS before friggin' Hall and Oates when I think "Rock and Roll." I like how he refers to it as the "rock hall," like it's some place the Flinstones might visit.
And really, I like ABBA, but if that group can get through the doors of the Rock and Roll Hall of fame, then H&O are overdue. In fact, at the very least, John Oates’ moustache should be in the rock hall of fame.
Whose arm do I have to twist on this one? You know, as we say in Philly, “I know a guy.”
Umm… what? I’m still trying to figure out that last sentence. Usually Morsch will close his articles with a "clever" tie-in to the title or first paragraph. Here he… indicates that he is mob-affiliated? Huh? And maybe I'm just not as gangasta as Morsch, but is "I know a guy" really only a phrase they use in Philly?
Labels: Daryl Hall, John Oates, Mike Morsch, Montgomery Newspapers, Outta Leftfield, Rock and Roll Hall of Fame
MM never blogs on the same thing twice, so I'm willing to bet that if you were to click on "Daryl Hall," the only thing that would come up is the story you're reading right now.
Hall & Oates belong in the 'hall'
Clever title! But since he's talking about the real-life Rock and Roll Hall of Fame… why'd he have to put quotes around 'hall' like he's making some kind of a metaphorical pun? Why didn't he just write Hall, capitalized, with no quotes?
Every year when the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame announces its newest class there is debate, not only about who gets in but about who has yet to be inducted.
This year ABBA, along with Genesis, The Hollies and The Stooges, were among those honored with induction and right away, folks are clamoring: What about Chicago? What about KISS? Moody Blues, Jethro Tull, Three Dog Night? The list of deserving musicians not in the rock hall is longer than the list of inductees.
For me, it’s, “What about Hall & Oates?” And it’s not because Daryl and John, from Pottstown and North Wales respectively, are local boys. It’s not because I have had the pleasure of interviewing each of them for stories in Montgomery Newspapers over the past few years.
Actually, I think that has a lot to do with it. Morsch love dropping the names of the so-called "celebrities" he gets to "interview" for his "newspaper."
It’s because every time I get into my car, I’ll choose a Hall & Oates album to listen to over just about any other CD that I have. It’s about the music. I virtually grew up with, and have liked a good number, of H&O songs over the years.
Okay, so here's the checklist for Rock and Roll Hall of Fame induction, according to Morsch:
1.) You pick their albums over "just about" any others
2.) You grew up with the music
3.) You like "a good number" of their songs
That's a ringing endorsement.
Why, I even considered naming Older Daughter “Sarah Smile Morsch.” That’s how much I liked that song and that music.
Isn't a song, by definition, music? A bit redundant isn't it? WHAT? Shut up!
The KISS and Chicago fans — of which I consider myself one of both groups — can wait. Television personality Rachel Ray, who has been lobbying for H&O to be inducted into the rock hall, is right. Daryl and John belong.
Good lord, read that again - "of which I consider myself one of both groups." And this guy writes for a newspaper? "Daryl and John," huh? They're on a first name basis. I'm no huge Rock and Roll buff, but I would think of KISS before friggin' Hall and Oates when I think "Rock and Roll." I like how he refers to it as the "rock hall," like it's some place the Flinstones might visit.
And really, I like ABBA, but if that group can get through the doors of the Rock and Roll Hall of fame, then H&O are overdue. In fact, at the very least, John Oates’ moustache should be in the rock hall of fame.
Whose arm do I have to twist on this one? You know, as we say in Philly, “I know a guy.”
Umm… what? I’m still trying to figure out that last sentence. Usually Morsch will close his articles with a "clever" tie-in to the title or first paragraph. Here he… indicates that he is mob-affiliated? Huh? And maybe I'm just not as gangasta as Morsch, but is "I know a guy" really only a phrase they use in Philly?
Labels: Daryl Hall, John Oates, Mike Morsch, Montgomery Newspapers, Outta Leftfield, Rock and Roll Hall of Fame
MM never blogs on the same thing twice, so I'm willing to bet that if you were to click on "Daryl Hall," the only thing that would come up is the story you're reading right now.
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