Baseball, but NOT Hot Dogs

OUTTA LEFTFIELD: From flyswatters to diapers, Phils' merch machine in high gear
Published: Tuesday, April 03, 2012
By Mike Morsch
Executive Editor

What better way to follow-up his baseball-centric hot dog article than with a baseball-centric baseball article? He's so FRESH!

Here is when one knows that one's favorite big league baseball team has a big league marketing department: When it starts marketing baby bottoms.

Borsch has a STRONG affinity for discussing the rear ends of children (see his previous column about wiping their "bottoms" with Armor-All). It's mildly disturbing.

That’s right, the Phillies have their familiar logo on just about every other thing, so it makes sense to put the logo on diapers.

I’d like to think there was a marketing person in some Phillies brainstorming meeting that all of a sudden stood up and shouted, "P -- diapers -- boo-yah!"

I had to think about this for a long time before I realized he was making a pee joke. At least, I think he is. It's hard to tell, really.

Since I am a long way from having babies in the house, I would not have known about the Phillies diapers had not the ballclub invited me to its annual food, fashion and merchandise soiree last week at the Citizens Bank Park. This is how good the team’s marketing department is: It knows that journalists will show up for a free meal -- like all good journalists will.

Wow, he's changing things up! A previous article (3/31/10) about this same event focused only on the food. In that article, he made (SURPRISE!) the exact same joke: "All the big club has to do is offer a free meal — in the name of good journalism of course — and there’s not a reporter in Southeastern Pennsylvania who wouldn’t show up for the feedbag."

But add in the children of staff members — a bunch of cute babies and toddlers --

Yep, that's one dash to start, but two to end, that little aside.

and well, we journalists will still take pictures and videos of babies in Phillies gear, even if we have to put down the Schmitter and crab fries for a moment to do it. (Do yourself a favor and go online to see the video of this. Babies are just so darn cute dressed in Phillies gear.)

I hope the video is as boring as a typical Borsch piece - loooooong slooooow pans, odd shakes and twitches, unnecessary zooms, complete silence, etc.

In addition to the diapers, other baby stuff available this season includes socks, headwear and outfits. And the focus just isn’t babies this year.

"This year"... so babies were the only focus last year? And who would think that the team would offer ONLY baby merchandise?

Fans can get a whole bunch of other Phillies items, including a bevy of new bobbleheads, an expanded selection of custom sunglasses, a Panini press/waffle maker, barbecue branders, cutting boards, cookie cutters, martini glasses, golf head covers, garden gnomes (as a gnome guy, I’ll probably get one or more of them for the garden this year) and flyswatters.

Prediction: Borsch will some day write a column about garden gnomes. He likes them, his wife doesn't. Comedy!

I don’t know about you, but I’ve always wanted a Phillies flyswatter. Up to this point, I thought the big foam No.1 finger might have been the most, uh, interesting novelty item in the history of baseball merchandising, but I reserve the right to change my mind once I get a good look at the flyswatter.

Wow, finding the comedy in the foam No.1 finger... how does he ever come up with this stuff??? What next, making fun of guys who hold up the "D-fence" posters?

Not that I’m being critical. I think the last thing that a fly sees -- especially those crumb-bum flies from St. Louis -- should be a flyswatter with the Phillies logo as it comes crashing down on its head. If only the Phillies hitters could have hit something beside flies in Game 5 of last year's National League Division Series.

Oh, heavens no! After all, the true mark of a satirist/humorist is to NEVER BE CRITICAL OF ANYTHING. This is classic Borsch - so afraid of offending his precious patrons that he can never say anything bad about anyone (except Sarah Palin).

Of course, a Phillies event wouldn't be a Phillies event without that loveable green goof, the Phanatic. And sure enough, the big galoot showed up and put on a show with the babies and toddlers.

Both "goof" and "galoot" in the same paragraph? He has just used up every single adjective in his vast repertoire.

I must admit, as mascots go, the Phanatic makes me laugh. I find him highly amusing. And I have a soft spot in my heart for galoots, which is why I like the Phanatic and Charlie Manuel. The great thing about being a galoot is knowing you're a galoot, and Cholly and the Phanatic know what's what in that department. It's always good to have a couple of high-profile galoots on the ballclub.

Several points: (1) Someone who "makes you laugh" is usually someone you also "find highly amusing." (2) "Galoot" was used five times in two paragraphs. (3) "Ballclub."

Cholly, already the Phillies' winningest manager, is also the most beloved manager in team history, mostly because he seems to be a genuinely nice guy. Oh, and he delivered a little thing called a world championship in 2008 to a team and city starved for a winner.

...Okay. Most beloved manager in team history? Did he do research on that, run a few surveys or anything? What was this column about again?

As for the Phanatic, well, there already is a statue of him at the ballpark, so I guess we know where he stacks up among the city's elite personalities.

Elsewhere in this paper or on our website, you can read about the new food selections at the ballpark this season. Our newest sportswriter, Nick Iuele, handled that aspect of the event. He's a good kid from North Jersey, but he’s a lifelong Yankees fan. I made sure to let the Phanatic know that so he could stick that great big green nose right in Nick's face. That kind of sums up what we think about Yankees fans around here.

I like how he feels it necessary to tell the readers of his Philadelphia-area newspaper how people from Philadelphia feel about the Yankees.

So there you have it, another baseball season is upon us, and the Phillies have made sure that we fans can dress appropriately and eat heartily while we cheer on the Fightin's to what we hope is another World Series championship.

I don't think an apostrophe belongs in "Fightin's."

Yep, ya can't beat fun at the old ballpark. Nobody knows that better than the Phillies marketing department. It’s clicking on all cylinders … running as smooth as a baby's bottom.

I, personally, would feel embarrassed to write an ending as pathetic as that. Can Michael Morsch honestly - HONESTLY - take any pride in his work? This kind of writing is on the level of a middle school newspaper. How did he get his job? How does he still have it? These are the questions that keep me up at night.