Shockingly Watching Baseball

Tuesday, May 1, 2012 A manly man bus trip

Borsch has stopped sharing his increasingly infrequent blog posts via his Twitter. I won't take credit for this trend, but... Actually no. I WILL take credit.

I have to hand it the Men of La Salle, the dads’ group at La Salle High School: Those guys certainly know how to organize a manly man bus trip.

Always breaking fresh ground, it appears as though Borsch is going to fill this post with references to beer, farts and meat - all the "man" staples.

Dave Lagner, the chief cook, bottle washer and grand poohbah,

How does he come UP with this stuff??? He's a comic genuis!

put together a great trip to Camden Yards in Baltimore on Sunday.

...because we can't post about anything that's not baseball, I guess.

The excursion included all the things needed for a manly man father-and-son day: luxury buses complete with DVD players and bathrooms (an important aspect for guys); great seats, 12 rows from the field down the third-base line, to watch the visiting Oakland A’s take on the Baltimore Orioles; 72 degrees, blue skies and a slight breeze (not sure who Dave knows to get that pulled off but I suspect he may have dated Mother Nature in his younger days); and a post-game excursion to a manly man joint in the Inner Harbor called “Dick’s Last Resort,” a place that can only be described as “highly entertaining for cavemen,” where the fathers and sons consumed massive quantities of nachos, hot wings and ribs while being mercilessly insulted by the waiters.

Now take a deep, deeeeeeeep breath... and realize that was ALL ONE SENTENCE. In that one sentence, we had two uses of both "manly man" and "father(s) and son(s)." Should I ask why they were "mercilessly insulted by the waiters"? I don't really understand that part.

As a bonus, Game 1 of the second round of the Stanley Cup Playoffs was on the big screen during the chow down, and the Philadelphia Flyers scored in overtime to take a 4-3 win over the New Jersey Devils sending the LaSalle contingent into a frenzy of high-fives and flying spittle, otherwise known as more manly man stuff.

Things We Know Guys Do (so far): Watch baseball. Go to the bathroom. Eat a lot. Spit. This is, obviously, extremely hilarious.

By the way, that’s a picture of me with Dick — taken by my cohort for the day, Son of Blonde Accountant — outside the establishment after the meal. It appears by the looks on our faces that we both had loaded up on too many nachos.

First of all, that's not even a passable impersonation of the statue. Second... damn. He looks bad. Like, real bad. Like "he's been in the sun too long and is melting" bad.

I’ve always enjoyed Camden Yards. It’s a beautiful ballpark and it features “Boog’s BBQ” out on the right field concourse in front of the distinctive warehouse.

ATTENTION READERS: Stop here if you are not sure whether you can handle the excitement of hearing all about Boog Powell, former baseball player! You've been warned.

This is, of course, Boog Powell’s place — a former Orioles first baseman in the 1960s and 1970s who played on some pretty good Orioles teams — and as usual, Boog was perched on a stool near the barbecue pit greeting fans and signing autographs. I’ve seen Boog several times over the years, and there have been times when I thought, “Hey Boog, mix in a salad.” Boog has always been a large fellow, and in past years, it looked like he was eating more of the barbecue beef than he was selling. But this year, Boog has slimmed down considerably and he looks great. And he’s always friendly and accommodating to the fans.

Wow, what a gracious celeb! Friendly to fans, who would have thought?

I had the “Big Boog Beef” sandwich, which is double the meat and indigestion. I was so full that three guys had to carry me from the right field concourse to my seat on the other side of the stadium near third base. The Phillies should offer that amenity to the overeaters in their stadium.

So after the enormous meal described in painful, run-on-sentence detail above, he ate more???

Although many in our group were Phillies fans, most were root, root, rooting for the home team, and the Orioles delivered a walk-off win in the bottom of the ninth by scoring five runs, three of which came on a game-ending home run. It was my first Men of LaSalle father-son bus trip and Son of Blonde Accountant and I enjoyed it quite a bit.

Wow, "quite a bit." High praise indeed.

I can’t wait for next year’s trip and another day of manly man activities.

Me neither, sir. Me neither.

GENIUS!

Souderton continues discussion on creating recreation board to oversee pool
Published: Thursday, September 15, 2011
By Emily Morris

Souderton Borough Council continues to mull over the option of creating a recreation board to look at overseeing its parks, and primarily its new pool.

“I think if we’re going to create a recreation board, then we at least have to give it some guidelines as to what this recreation board does,” Souderton Mayor John Reynolds said.

Wow. Such depth! Such... such substance! Why is this man not writing Civics textbooks? I think his talents are being squandered.

Tuesday, September 6, 2011
S-F football night all about community

Like every recent entry by Borsch, this post was short and didn't even try to be funny. Here's the concept:

One doesn’t have to like football to enjoy high school football night. That’s because in many towns, it’s about more than just football, it’s about community.

Get it? It's all about community. Let's see some examples of the great community spirit that Borsch experienced at ye olde Spring-Ford High School football game:

I’ve always enjoyed the atmosphere, the band, the cheerleaders, and the mascot. Spring-Ford’s mascot — Rowdy Ram — is particularly entertaining this year, interacting with fans, especially the younger children.

Hold up, son - a mascot that interacts with FANS and CHILDREN??? What a novel concept! This qualifies the Rowdy Ram as a gracious celeb.

And I’ve always loved the band.

"Here's a list of the things I liked: atmosphere, band, cheerleaders, mascot. Also, I liked the band." Borsch then talks about his own high school band and mentions Dan Fogelberg.

...The cheerleaders, of course, also help complete the experience...

Kinda already covered that.

All in all, high school football night is a great way to get a relatively low-cost evening of entertainment. But more importantly, it provides a wonderful sense of community, the benefits of which one can’t put a price on.

Tell me - what "sense of community" did he describe for us? He heard the band, saw a mascot, and watched cheerleaders. You could do all of these things while watching a game on television by yourself. Where was this wonderful atmosphere? What delightful characters did he interact with in the stands? What we have here is Borsch not having any ideas for a column, so he slaps some BS about "community" onto the boring story of his trip to a high school football game. Pulitzer Prize, here he comes!

Did I mention you should go out and see Rowdy Ram? The youngster in the suit is a hoot.

... Okay.

Dare We Call This a Triple-Header?

OUTTA LEFTFIELD: Learning the physics of extension with a swivel chair and tripod
Published: Tuesday, August 02, 2011
By Mike Morsch
Executive Editor

Several new supremely uninteresting offerings from the King of Komedy, Michael Morsch. Highlights from the first one:

Any discussion of physics usually puts me to sleep. But add to that a swivel chair, a video camera tripod and a hotel room at 2:30 a.m. in Lakewood, N.J., and the physics discussion becomes immediately more entertaining … until I fall asleep.

This sounds like the plot of a bad porno film.

It’s not exactly easy to find oneself in a hotel room in the middle of New Jersey listening to someone go on about the physics of hitting a baseball. These kinds of things happen to me because, essentially, I am a big galoot who hangs around with like-minded knuckleheads.

Badabing! We've got baseball, and we've got words like "galoot" and "knuckleheads." Borsch talks about an old friend name John who sounds at least as unamusing as our favorite editor himself, and states that he is a bona fide purveyor of bull puckey. Google suggests that you spell it "bullpucky," but hey, I'm not one to nitpick.

Well, it turns out John is interested in (surprise!) baseball. Did I mention John is bald? I hope you think that's funny, because it's the only joke there is. Borsch also uses the terms "ballgame" and "ballplayers."

Monday, August 1, 2011
A Connecticut Yankee road trip

Branching out into new territory, Borsch decides to focus this effort on the game of baseball. He disguises it as a "precious moments with my daughter"-type post, but watch what Borsch rambles on about:

Our seats in Yankee Stadium ended up being a few rows behind and a few seats over from where Derek Jeter’s 3,000th hit landed in the leftfield bleachers a few weeks ago. The Yankees’ captain was the first Yankee to reach 3,000 career hits — not Ruth, not Gehrig, not DiMaggio, not Mantle. So Jeter’s accomplishment is a pretty big deal for a franchise that’s experienced a lot of pretty big deals in its existence.

Then later, when they actually get to the University of Hartford: Notable UHART graduates include the singer Dionne Warwick and Houston Astros retired first baseman Jeff Bagwell. Really?

He talks about visiting the home of Mark Twain and tries to impress us by telling us that this was merely his pen name. Gee, such arcane knowledge! Next he'll be telling us Muhammad Ali was just a stage name, too. He says he is "a writer of substantially less note" than Twain. This officially qualifies as the understatement of the millenium. I'm not the biggest Twain fan there is, but the thought of Borsch defiling that house with his presence sickens me.

Monday, August 1, 2011
Right field 'Pence-syl-mania'

Borsch's mind is always striving to expand and improve his art. Witness this column, which delves into the heretofore untouched realm of baseball! Here - not showing any discomfort at exploring such unfamiliar territory - he discusses the arrival of outfielder Hunter "The Mantis" Pence.

Let me pause a moment to say that Borsch is not only a bad writer - he's a cowardly hypocrite as well. A mere seven days ago, he had this to say on his Twitter account: I don't know this guy who the Eagles signed and could care less. And Hunter Pence just isn't that good.

But a mere 24 hours later, he directed this Twitter comment to Pence himself: Welcome to Philly. Will be there tonight in rightfield to greet you.

I hope you greet him with only the mildest applause because, you know, he's just not that good.

[Pence] reacted to the attention by waving to the faithful, tipping his cap a couple of times and turning to acknowledge the fans several times during the game.

Woah, a gracious celeb! Who would have thought? Showing that he is, as always, the consummate writer, Borsch follows that sentence with this one:

Pence wears his pants high, to show a lot of red sock. It’s a good look for him.

First: what the hell? And second: saying someone "wears his pants high" makes you think he has the waistline up around the ribcage, not that he just rolls his socks way up. And suddenly Borsch, the man whose lack fashion sense has fueled many a column, knows what a "good look" for anyone is?

The Return! ... to a Lame Concert Review

Monday, July 18, 2011
Happy together . . . and forever after

This will be the 3rd (third) piece Borsch has oozed out regarding a single oldies concert he went to.

Before I dive into it, though, I wanted to thank "Anonymous" for asking about my unusual lull in posts. The answer: Borsch has been so boring of late that I couldn't even think of anything to say about his articles. More about this later.

My folks had quite a record collection when I was a kid in 1960s. Much if it was hip for its time — The Beatles, The Beach Boys, Elvis and the like. Mostly though, they seemed to favor music that featured harmonies.

Now I'm no musical scholar, but... doesn't "music that featured harmonies" cover a pretty broad range?

One album I absolutely wore out as a kid was “Insight Out” by The Association. It featured two wonderful songs and big hits — “Windy,” which reached No. 1 in 1967 and “Never My Love,” which climbed to No. 2 that same year.

Boring background details established? Check. Now, I'm sure, we can jump into the gut-busting comedy.

The Association was part of the 2011 Happy Together Tour that stopped at the Keswick Theater last week; I was thrilled to get a chance to hear a band that I so fondly remembered from my youth.

... any second now.

There are three current members of The Association who performed on the “Insight Out” album: Larry Ramos, Russ Giguere and Jim Yester. They are pictured as young men on the album cover.

I had interviewed Larry Ramos to preview the Keswick show and got quite a kick listening to him talk about the music of the 1960s.

See what I mean? This has been the kind of stuff he's produced over the past few weeks. Dull tales about interviewing old musicians. And don't get me wrong, I like The Association - I have "Never My Love" on my iPod. But this is terrible. How could he miss the opportunity for a pun on the name "Yester" - "Seeing Yester Brings Back Memories of Yesteryear," for example?

The copy of “Insight Out” that my folks had is long gone, but I found another original copy of the album at a record store in Chestnut Hill a few weeks before the show. I was hoping to get a chance to meet The Association guys and have them sign my album.

Come on, he can't even say something like, "I really wanted to associate with The Association"? Not even making an attempt anymore!

Fortunately, I got to do just that. But it almost didn’t happen.

Ah - suspense, thy name is Borsch.

I shared the Happy Together concert with Older Daughter, which was lucky for me. She was riding shotgun during the autograph-getting portion after the show. I had already secured the signatures of Giguere and Yester on the album cover when Ramos came out for the meet-and-greet. I was so excited to meet him that I forgot to ask him to sign the album. I’m getting older, too, I guess.

This story loses some of its punch when we already know that he will eventually get the signature. If Borsch made "The 6th Sense," he would have included a little disclaimer at the beginning: "You might think Bruce Willis is still alive during some parts of this movie. However, he's actually a ghost. Now, here's the story!"

“Dad, the album!” said Older Daughter, saving the day. The picture that accompanies this item shows Ramos completing the Association autograph trifecta for me.
My daughter, whose big-deal music group is N’SYNC, was familiar with only a few of the songs from the Happy Together show, which also included appearances by The Buckinghams (“Kind of a Drag”); The Grass Roots (“Midnight Confessions”); Mark Lindsay of Paul Revere and the Raiders (“Kicks”); and The Turtles (“Happy Together”).

Again, I'll refer to how Borsch describes himself on his own Twitter account - "Humor columnist dealing with life's little stupidities." Just be honest, sir. That's all I ask.

In addition to meeting the guys from The Association, we also got to meet Carl Giammarese of the Buckinghams and Howard Kaylan of The Turtles and get their signatures.
When I introduced Kaylan to Older Daughter, he said, “You should thank your father for introducing you to good music.”

Is this the joke? I think this is as close to a joke as we're going to get.

With all due respect to N’SYNC, Kaylan is right. There was some great, great music in the 1960s. Older Daughter and I enjoyed seeing all those talented musicians whose songs have stayed with me all these years.

You might say we were happy together.

Pah! This post began and ended on such a saccharine note I think it gave me diabetes. "Happy together... and forever after" sounds like the tagline of some drippy romantic comedy, not how you'd describe an outing with your adult daughter. And are we to believe that seeing this concert - just like keeping score during that Phillies game - will be one of those moments his daughter will relate to her grandchildren years from now?

Please also note - celebrities signing autographs and taking pictures with fans was a featured theme in this post, although he didn't rave about it as he usually does.

Labels: Keswick Theater, Mike Morsch, Montomgery Newspapers, Outta Leftfield, The Association, The Buckinghams, The Turtles

Yet Another Jane Seymour Article

Monday, June 6, 2011
Seeing more of Jane

Jane Seymour was already one of the "top interviews of 2010." Much like the Stooges convention, Ms. Seymour's annual return to the Wentworth Gallery provides endless repeat material for Borsch.

Jane Seymour was in town again last weekend and I volunteered to put in extra hours after my regular shift to go out and interview her. I’ll tell you, all we do around here is work, work, work.

Does he get paid any kind of overtime for this? No wonder he hogs all the celebrity interviews.

For the third straight year, Ms. Seymour had a showing of her original paintings and sculptures at Wentworth Gallery in the King of Prussia Plaza. She’s becoming a regular here in suburban Philly.

I suppose so, if appearing in one place 3 out of 1,095 days makes you a "regular."

The film and television star — and let’s not forget, a Bond Girl as well, and we know that James Bond didn’t hang around with any unattractive women — was once again stunning, this time in a purple dress and peep-toed black heels.

That's up for debate - recall Rosie Carver from Ms. Seymour's own Live and Let Die. Few things disgust me more than Borsch droolingly describing a woman.

Among her many projects — she’s fresh off a gig as a correspondent for Entertainment Tonight covering the recent Royal Wedding between Prince William and Kate Middleton — Ms. Seymour has become a serious painter over the past several years. Her work is for serious art collectors with serious wallets.

How many dashed-off asides can he work into this story? His actual interview is full of them, and they're often completely unrelated to the sentence into which they're planted.

My wallet is genuine water buffalo and there is nothing serious about it. Or what’s in it. Admittedly, though, when it comes to Jane Seymour, I seriously wish my name was Roger Moore and it was 1973 again.

So basically: "I can't afford her paintings, but I wish I had sex with her when she was 22." You're not worthy to say the name "Roger Moore," sir. There doesn't need to be a comma between "admittedly" and "though."

She’s always been a good interview and she does a nice job interacting with the fans and collectors at the gallery events.

ALERT! ALERT! GRACIOUS CELEBRITY IN THE AREA! Residents should prepare for fan interaction, picture posing, and polite replies to interviewer questions.

In addition, Wentworth gallery Director Tom Curley always puts on an elegant soiree for Ms. Seymour, one befitting a Hollywood star.

One thing about these local events (save the Dennis Miller comedy show): Borsch never has a bad thing to say about any of them. Is it any wonder his work is so edgy and controversial?

My favorite pieces this year were self portraits of her and the late Christopher Reeve from the 1980 film “Somewhere in Time,” in which they both starred.

Why? What did he like about them? What did they look like?

Covering these art gallery shows starring Jane Seymour can be tough duty, what with all the wine sipping I have to do while holding a video camera and conducting an interview.
But hey, somebody has to do it.

In his "Best Interviews of 2010" article, Borsch says this in reference to last year's Jane Seymour article: "It was pretty much the same... story as the one I wrote last year when she appeared at the gallery." So there you have it - three straight years of basically the same material.

If Borsch really is, as he claims, a "humor columnist dealing with life's little stupidities"... what was stupid about this basic story? What was humorous about it?

Labels: Jane Seymour, Mike Morsch, Montgomery Newspapers, Outta Leftfield, Wentworth Gallery

If you can't say anything nice...

Tuesday, May 3, 2011
Miller time at The Keswick

"Miller time." How original.

Dennis Miller wasn’t as tall as I thought he would be. But he’s got a great smile and laugh, and he seemed genuinely flattered that people wanted to meet him and get a picture taken with him last week prior to his show at the Keswick Theater.

So by this logic... a short person is less likely to smile, laugh and be flattered? If Miller had been taller, the fact that he was cheerful and friendly wouldn't have been a surprise?

I was fortunate to be among a group of about 20 people who got the opportunity to shake Miller’s hand that evening. He introduced himself to each person individually with a “Hi, I’m Dennis,” almost like we didn’t know who he was.

Wow, shaking hands! The true hallmark of a gracious celebrity. And we already know he took the unheard-of step of posing for photographs.

There was some brief backstage banter before Miller suggested we all go out on stage and take the pictures, with the Keswick seats steadily filling about 15 minutes before show time serving as the backdrop.

That was a poorly-written sentence. Keep in mind, this man makes a living on his presumed skill with the English language.

Unfortunately, the pre-show stage lighting — a kind of a dark blue — played havoc with my photos and they all came out with a dark blue tint, making the images almost indistinguishable, even when using a flash. I wonder if any of the other folks with cameras had the same problem.

Well, that last paragraph might have been completely uninteresting and unnecessary, but at least it was jam-packed with madcap humor!

As for the show, I didn’t laugh as much as I would have liked, but not because Miller wasn’t funny. Between watching his last HBO special and the phone call interview I had with him to preview the appearance, much of it was repeat information.

Yeah, isn't it boring having to see the same material over and over again? The same jokes and puns? Imagine how your readers must feel, sir.

In fact, at the end of the interview, I had asked him what the Keswick crowd could expect at a Dennis Miller show. “This phone call for about an hour,” he said.
And that’s what it turned out to be. One can’t quibble that Dennis Miller didn’t deliver the kind of show that he had promised to deliver.

A good writer - or editor - would have replaced that clumsy second "deliver" with "he would" or something of that nature.

He is very hesitant to say good things about Miller. When he does, he adds a caveat. Miller was friendly - but short. He was funny - but not up to Borsch's high expectations. Borsch isn't coming right out and saying so, but Miller's conservative politics are the root cause.

One other observation: Political humor is a tough gig right now, given the polarization in our country.

I knew it! He couldn't resist.

I grew up with the humor of George Carlin, who I thought was both funny and brilliant. But in the latter part of his career, Carlin became more political and more anti-government, anti-religion and just about anti-everything. And it just wasn’t as funny as his other stuff.

Miller's humor has always had political elements - "Weekend Update," anyone? The only difference is a shift from left to right.

Miller strikes me as being on a similar path. His stories about taking his mother to meet Frank Sinatra, the shenanigans during his stint as a Monday Nigh Football commentator and the craziness that was the early days of Saturday Night Live were all enjoyable and funny bits. The political stuff, not so much.

Because you don't agree with it. It's okay - I find it hard to laugh at Carlin and his ilk. But just admit it. The disappointment Borsch felt over Miller's swing to the right is palpable in each column he's written, but he keeps trying to weasel out of it.

Maybe the comedians haven’t changed over the years. Maybe it’s the politics that just isn’t funny anymore.

So Carlin never made any Nixon jokes? Never did any bits on Reagan? Morsch doesn't crack wise about Trump and revel in the wit of Keith Olbermann? Please.

To summarize this story by paragraph:

Meeting Dennis (he was short) - 2 paragraphs
Taking pictures (poor lighting) - 2 paragraphs
Show wasn't very funny - 2 paragraphs
Political humor wasn't funny - 4 paragraphs

So what, in his mind, was the true thrust of this post? By the way, none of the paragraphs contained a joke.

Labels: Dennis Miller, Keswick Theater, Mike Morsch, Montgomery Newspapers, Outta Leftfield

2010 - A Year of Lameness in Review

@chrisvisco1 Re: Article on you: Whose the man? Tuesday, January 04, 2011 9:55:04 PM via web in reply to chrisvisco1

Unless this is a joke, that should be "who's the man."

Outta Leftfield: The most interesting interviews of 2010
Published: Tuesday, January 04, 2011
By Mike Morsch

Seeing the title of this article, one might suppose that this is sort of a "Top Ten" list of all the minor celebs and local musicians to whom Morsch has spoken. But seeing the LENGTH of this article, it's obvious that this is practically everyone to whom Morsch has spoken. Not unusual for a man who can't think of a bad thing to say about anyone (except Palin).

On the phone, Olivia Newton-John sounds just like she did in the classic film “Grease.” Joziah Longo, frontman for the band Gandalf Murphy and the Slambovian Circus of Dreams, has a distinctive look and a personality to match. Pete Rose sometimes says one thing during a conversation, but appears to mean something entirely different.

I love that Pete Rose thing - like Morsch is such an ace interviewer he can see into his very soul.

Those are just some of the tidbits of information that didn’t make it into the stories about these people when they visited our area last year. Here is a look at some of the memorable interviews of 2010:

Oh, if only we had gotten that "says something, appears to mean something else" tidbit sooner!

William Quigley and Roger Apollon — These two guys got together — Quigley as owner of the Sellersville Theater 1894 and Apollon as frontman for the band Bigger Thomas, whose parents are both Haitian — and put on a benefit concert to aid relief efforts for the people of Haiti devastated by a January earthquake.

Sellersville Theater! How about a "Most Over-Used Column Topics" post, Morsch?

Several area bands donated their time, and the ST94 staff worked the Sunday evening benefit for free. When the final tallying was done, the effort raised $12,000 for the International Red Cross.

Quigley, Apollon, all those involved and those who attended really came together as a community for a good cause.

So why exactly was this a great interview?

Jane Seymour — Ms. Seymour was back in the area in February exhibiting her art at Wentworth Gallery in the King of Prussia Mall and was more than willing to talk about it.

A celeb willing to promote herself. Imagine that.

It was pretty much the same interview and story as the one I wrote last year when she appeared at the gallery. But one of the founding principles of good journalism is . . . to never pass up an opportunity to interview the really good looking Hollywood stars when they come to our area.

By the way, at age 59, Ms. Seymour looks fabulous, has impeccable taste in clothing and in person is a tiny woman, much smaller than I had expected.

At least Morsch admits that he writes the same crap over and over.

Dr. Ronald Mallett — A renowned physicist, Dr. Mallett was at the Penn State Abington campus to give a lecture about his work with time travel.

It was more physics than it was “Back to the Future” science fiction, but it was interesting and informative, and Dr. Mallett was a good interview.

Care to elaborate on that? No? Cool.

Apparently filmmaker and director Spike Lee is making a movie about Mallett’s childhood desire to build a time machine and travel back in time to warn his father of an impending fatal heart attack. I was hoping to at least make enough of an impression on Dr. Mallett that he would put in a good word with Lee to see if I could get a cameo in the film. As a cynical reporter, of course.

If there's a bumbling retard in Lee's film, we'll know who provided the inspiration.

Ricky Skaggs — Bluegrass isn’t my thing, but there is no denying that country superstar Skaggs is at the forefront these days of making sure this type of music is appreciated and not forgotten.

So basically, "I hate it, but he keeps doing it."

During an interview to preview his February appearance at the Sellersville Theater 1894, the Kentucky-born Skaggs referred to himself as and “old fud.”
I’m not sure what an old fud is in Kentucky, but here in Pennsylvania, it’s likely followed by, “I want you to be vewy, vewy quiet . . . I’m hunting wabbits.”

Elmer Fudd - apparently one of history's famous Pennsylvanians.

Brian Seltzer — The Elkins Park native was named the new play-by-play voice of the Reading Phillies in February.

The cool thing about his story was that his first exposure to a live sporting event was Game 6 of the 1993 National League Championship Series between the Phillies and the Atlanta Braves.

WOW! That's not cool.

In Seltzer’s party that day was a teacher from Myers Elementary School named . . . Mike Schmidt, who still teaches at the school and shares a name with a certain Phillies Hall of Fame third baseman.

WOW! Still not cool.

Nearly 17 years after that day in Veterans Stadium, Seltzer got the job with the Reading Phillies.

As for all the coincidences in that story, I’ll defer to the late Hall of Fame broadcaster Rich Asburn: “Hard to believe, Harry.”

Ha! Are you kidding me? The current Reading Phillies' announcer once attended to a Phillies game and knew a guy with the same name as a Philly player.

Olivia Newton-John — Remember the scene in “Grease” when the John Travolta character unexpectedly sees the Olivia Newton-John character for the first time at Rydell High School? He exclaims, “Sandy?”

That’s what I wanted to say when my office phone rang and the voice on the other end said, “Hello, this is Olivia.”

I grew up on Olivia Newton-John’s music. And when “Grease” came out in 1979, I was 20 years old. I can assure you that I thought then that Ms. Newton-John did more for black stretch pants than anybody has ever done in the history of black stretch pants. (Further viewing of the movie reveals the pants may actually have been Spandex, but whatever they were made of, Olivia Newton-John looked pretty humma-humma in them.)

Disgusting.

She was in the area to do a benefit concert at West Chester University. I got a real kick out of talking to her. During our conversion, I even mentioned how fabulous she looked in those black leather (Spandex) pants, tastefully of course. I’m sure it wasn’t the first time she had heard that, but she giggled at the reference.

I made Olivia Newton-John giggle. That’s just too cool.

I would imagine it was more of a gag than a giggle.

Kathleen Turner — Another one of my favorites from the 1980s, Ms. Turner was in Philadelphia to star in the one-woman stage production of the life of newspaper columnist Molly Ivins.

If you remember Ms. Turner in the 1981 film “Body Heat,’ you know she was hot, hot, hot. Smokin’. Sultry. Sexy. Quite woo-hooable indeed.

We've already had three instances of Morsch lusting after the women he's interviewing. It's even making me uncomfortable.

And that voice. When I mentioned her unique voice during the interview, she said, “Well, it’s not really a girly voice now, is it?”

No ma’am it’s not, but it’s still, well . . . ahem. Is it getting warm in here or is it just me?

Sick!

Candace Bushnell — The “Sex in the City” author was at Penn State Abington for a discussion and book signing. Those of you who are fans of the HBO show and later movies will know that Ms. Bushnell’s alter ego Carrie Bradshaw (played by Sarah Jessica Parker) loves shoes.

And Ms. Bushnell did not disappoint the Penn State Abington crowd with her shoe selection: sparkly, pink, peep-toed six-inch stiletto heels by Christian Louboutin.

At the time I wrote: “They were more pink than ruby, but I’m pretty sure if Ms. Bushnell would have clicked those substantial heels together three times, we would have ended up somewhere in Kansas.”

Why don't you just re-print the entire article? It would be easier than coming up with new material, as you've obviously discovered.

And I’m still not sure who Christian Louboutin is. My guess is that he’s not from Kansas.

There were a few "guy with strange name" jokes in the original column as well.

Jo Dee Messina — Ms. Messina was making a return engagement to the Keswick Theater when I spoke with her in March.

The last time she was at the Keswick, in December 2008, she was in a hissing match with her record label, which wouldn’t release any of her new music. And she wasn’t shy about expressing her considerable displeasure with the record label to a reporter.

This time around, though, some of those differences appeared to have been resolved and Ms. Messina was tickled to be getting some new music to her fans.

This is like a horrible, never-ending deja vu nightmare.

In both interviews I’ve done with her, I have found her to be brutally honest with her answers and her relationship — or lack of one — with her record company.

Jo Dee can be aptly described as “feisty.” And she’s got a wonderfully feisty laugh on the other end of the telephone.

I don't want to know what Morsch was doing on his end of the telephone.

Joziah Longo — The frontman for the band Gandalf Murphy and the Slambovian Circus of Dreams, Longo is one interesting character. And that’s one great name for a band.

The story of how he came up with that name of the band is interesting enough, as I detailed in the story at the time, but add it to what he described as the “trippiness” of his music, and it was clear to see why the band has been described as “hillbilly Pink Floyd.”

One minor quibble - what makes these the "top" interviews of the year? I was expecting some kind of raking system, or a bit of explanation at the very least.

I was at the band’s show at the Sellersville Theater at the beginning of May, and the Slambovians delivered the goods.

Marilyn Hanold — A special guest at this year’s Three Stooges Fan Club convention in Fort Washington, Hanold was in the 1957 Stooges film “Space Ship Sappy” with the boys.

My God - if we can get a "spilling mustard" joke and a Hall and Oates reference in here, we really WILL have a "top Morsch cliches" article.

But also on her resume: She was Playboy’s Playmate of the Month in June 1959; she starred in the 1965 cult classic “Frankenstein Meets the Spacemonster,” which some critics have called the worst movie ever made; she appeared in a two-part episode as Liberace’s henchwoman in the campy television series “Batman” in 1966, which became the show’s highest-rated episode during its run; and she dated Elvis Presley in the 1950s.

She said Elvis got a huge kick about the fact that she had appeared in a Three Stooges short film. How could I not want to talk to somebody with that background? At seventysomething years of age, she’s still a head-turner.

Lusting after a 70-something-year-old woman - the Blonde Accountant must have headaches an awful lot, huh?

Kathy Mattea — The best interviews are the ones that end up being conversations, like two people sitting at a kitchen table chatting about life. Of course, when it comes to talking with a reporter, the interview subject will determine just how much of a kitchen table chat that will be.

What? I will pay $5 for someone to tell me what the hell that paragraph means.

Ms. Mattea — one of country music’s big females stars — is down to earth and easy to talk to, intelligent and articulate. Her stage presence and easiness with the crowd seemed perfectly suited for a venue like the Sellersville Theater.

And she spent a lot of time greeting fans after the show, which always impresses me.

No freakin' kidding. He mentions that in every article. IT'S WHAT THEY DO. Get over it. It's like being impressed when a politician shakes your hand. And that's the second Sellersville Theater reference we've had.

Mary Chapin Carpenter — Sticking with the intelligent and articulate conversation theme, Ms. Carpenter was much the same as Ms. Mattea, an easy telephone conversation, although I did botch her name a bit and she called me on it.

I referred to her as “Mary” in my greeting to her, which she promptly corrected. “My first name is Mary Chapin,” she said.

So she's a total bitch, is that what you're saying?

She was back on tour for the first time since recovering from a health scare that nearly took her life a few years ago, and was happy to be back on the road.

Unfortunately, I didn’t get a chance to see her August performance at the Keswick Theater in Glenside.

Any day that Morsch actually misses a local concert is one worth noting.

Ashley Gbemudu — The Wyndmoor teen, a recent graduate of Springfield Township High School, was selected to win the “Young Heroes Award” from the National Liberty Museum for being an outstanding role model in her school and community.

Ashley wants to get an undergraduate degree in nursing from Drexel University and then attend medical school, with the ultimate goal of being a pediatric oncologist.

It’s wonderful to talk with talented and ambitious young people who are recognized for their hard work.

I hope Morsch advised her to take time to greet her fans - truly the hallmark of any great person.

Paul Thorn — Not that it was a bad interview, but there was nothing unusual or special about my talk with Americana singer-songwriter Thorn. He did, however, provide what I thought was the greatest stage exit at the end of his show at the Sellersville Theater in August.

I'm thinking Morsch should re-name his column "Outta Sellersville Theater." It would more accurately reflect what he writes about.

Certainly, it was one of those moments where one had to be there to appreciate it. And the emotion and feeling loses something when put into words.

But during the encore song “That’s Life,” Thorn exited off the front of the stage while the band continued to play, hugging and shaking hands with the fans. He continued that through the crowd, up the aisle and into the lobby of the theater, where he stayed to greet fans.

It was the coolest stage exit I had ever seen.

This literally made me laugh. THAT was the coolest stage exit? The guy walked through the crowd and stood in the lobby?

Esai Morales — The popular actor — known for his roles in the 1987 film “La Bamba” as Ritchie Valens’ brother and as Lt. Tony Rodriguez from 2001-2004 on the acclaimed ABC series “NYPD Blue” — was at Penn State Abington in September as part of Hispanic Heritage Month.

As the time, he was on baby watch as he was expecting the birth of his first child at any moment back in Los Angeles. We talked a lot about impending fatherhood, and it was fun to listen to a first-time dad-to-be talk about the range of emotions he was feeling.

"The popular actor" - I'd never heard of this guy before.

Morales charmed the Penn State students and staff, and the baby didn’t arrive until he got back to Los Angeles.

Pete Rose — No matter what opinion one has of Rose as a person or if he belongs in the Major League Baseball Hall of Fame, there’s no denying he is a legend. And how many legends does one get to talk to?

I talked to "The Living Legend" Bruno Sammartino once. So I've got Morsch tied.

Rose was in Philly in October for the premiere of a new documentary on his playing days. The Hall of Fame debate will always be a part of every story on Pete, and he didn’t dodge those questions.

In one 20-minute conversation though, it occurred to me that although Pete likes to talk, he sometimes has trouble articulating his thoughts.

After reading more than a year of your column, sir, I'd direct you to the old proverb about living in a glass house. How dare this stooge accuse someone of not being able to express himself?!?

For example, he told a story about the impact he had on the Phillies 1980 championship team. The story centered on respect the players had for him — coming from those great Cincinnati Reds teams of the mid-1970s — and for each other in the clubhouse and on the field.

Given the context of the conversion and its tone, it could have sounded to some like Pete was actually being arrogant — a claim made often about Pete — and disrespectful to teammates like Greg Luzinski, Bob Boone and Larry Bowa.

I don't think "has trouble articulating" and "being arrogant" are the same thing.

That wasn’t the case at all. It’s just that he had trouble articulating those thoughts in their proper context. Consequently, I had trouble translating the story into the proper context for readers, so I was unable to effectively use the anecdote in my story.

Shut. Up. How many interviews has Pete Rose done? And not just with mediocre local reporters, but big-time national guys? Thousands? Is Morsch really prepared to say that the failure to put "thoughts in their proper context" was Rose's and not his own? What a colossal douche.

A Pittsburgh Pirates fan as a kid, I wasn’t too fond of Pete because he played for the Cincinnati Reds, and the two teams had a pretty good rivalry in the 1970s.

But I shared with him that I still have all my Pete Rose baseball cards from that era, including seven Rose cards from the 1971 set, the year the Pirates won the World Series.

I'm sure nobody has ever told Pete Rose that they actually own one of his baseball cards. And I'm sure Morsch has never told US that he liked the Pirates as a kid. Now, of course, he likes the Phillies. Front-runner.

Terri Clark — The country singer was still emotional about losing her mother to cancer in April when she brought her “Unplugged and Alone” tour to the Sellersville Theater in October. As I had lost my dad to cancer in 2006, we talked at length about those feelings.

Yet ANOTHER Sellersville interview makes the "top" list! Is anyone surprised?

The Sellersville show was filled with Clark’s emotion and she offered those attending an up-close look at those feelings. It made for a highly personal show between artist and audience, something you don’t see very often from the cheap seats.

No new material here. Didn't Morsch promise some kind of interesting new tidbits?

Bill Leahy — The La Salle High School lacrosse coach was inducted into the Montgomery County Coaches Hall of Fame in November.

I never played lacrosse and have only seen one lacrosse match in my life. When I went to the school to interview him for the story, the guy made such a good impression on me that I immediately wanted to pick up a stick, go back to high school, and play on his team, which might have been challenging because the stick I would have picked up would have been a baseball bat.

That is not funny and makes no sense.

I don’t think baseball bats are allowed during lacrosse games, but coach Leahy probably would have figured out a way for me to make it work.

He’s just that good of a coach. But he appears to be an even better human being. And what more can we ask out of those we entrust with our most precious commodity — our children?

The end. Seriously. Not even a little wrap-up paragraph. Other than being the perfect showcase for how lame, repetitive and clueless Morsch's columns are, what's the point of this column? It's not a "top ten." It's not even a "behind the scenes." It's more like a "I don't have a topic and the column is due tomorrow."

Wacky Facial Hair

Outta Leftfield: Yosemite Sam and John Oates: Go-to guys for upper lip hair tomfoolery
Published: Thursday, October 21, 2010
By Mike Morsch
Executive Editor

Can you imagine the inspiration for this column? "Note to self - write column about guy's wacky mustache." This is about the 10th column we've seen dealing with Hall and Oates, too.

Now here’s something you don’t hear every day: John Oates invoking the name of Yosemite Sam.

Here's another thing you don't hear every day: the name "John Oates."

That’s right. Oates is of course one half of Hall & Oates — arguably the most successful duo in rock and roll history.

That's quite a lofty claim, Mr. Morsch.

Sam is the grouchy gunslinger with the “hare-trigger” temper and archenemy of that “crazy idget galoot” Bugs Bunny.

And if you didn't know either of those things, you're even dumber than the author is.

The only thing that John Oates and Yosemite Sam have in common is that they both have (or have had in Oates’ case) a mustache.

You may remember that in the 1970s and 1980s, when Daryl Hall and John Oates were becoming big names in the music business, Oates sported a bushy mustache. As he and his music matured, Oates shaved off the mustache and moved on.

Is he actually suggesting that the development of Oates' musical talent is directly tied to the shaving of his mustache? I'd like to see this theory fleshed out a bit more.

But the mustache didn’t. In fact, John Oates’ mustache developed kind of a persona of its own and a cult following, even though it no longer had a lip on which to sit. Fans and the media perpetuated the notion.

What notion? The notion of... the mustache existing? I seem to be missing the jokes thus far.

Oates, who now lives in Colorado, is a local guy, raised in North Wales and a graduate of North Penn High School. His folks still live in the area, and for the past few years when he’s been back in town, he has scheduled solo gigs at the Lansdale Center for Performing Arts and the Sellersville Theater. In fact, you can read a preview of his Oct. 29 Sellersville show in this week’s Ticket entertainment insert inside this paper or online at www.montgomerynews.com.

Anyone want to bet what the topic of Morsch's November 2 blog will be? Another trip to the Sellersville Theater - I can hardly contain myself.

And Oates — always gracious and accommodating with his interview time on those occasions when he’s coming home — is so nice that I can’t imagine he would ever refer to anyone as a “crazy idget galoot.”

Hey, here's a new spin on an old formula - Morsch describes a celebrity as "gracious" and "nice"! Although, I must honestly tip my cap to Mr. Oates for tolerating the company of Morsch for any length of time.

Over the years, we’ve spoken four or five times about his work and personal appearances and he allowed me to sit in on a private songwriting workshop he once conducted at the Lansdale Center for Performing Arts.

Man, Oates is a SAINT.

I had never broached the subject with him in any previous interview, but this time I felt comfortable enough to ask him about “the stash,” hoping that he found the whole hubbub surrounding it as silly as I did.

It should be "the 'stach." "The stash" would imply that there is a cache of something sitting around.

“I just think it’s funny,” he said. “People are always asking me about it. Just the other day, a request came in for me to sing a song for Yosemite Sam’s mustache. Just because I had one, evidently I’m now the go-to guy for anything that has to do with lip hair.”

Now that’s a funny quote.

Oh! It is? I'm glad you told me, because if you hadn't, I would have assumed that it was not a very funny quote at all.

Even though Oates is a good sport about it, he stresses that he has distanced himself from the mustache days.

“It represents a part of my life and the person I was back then,” he said. “In a sense, the shedding of that mustache was a way for me to reinvent myself and move on with my life. I really wasn’t planning on being that particular guy for the rest of my life.

... On the other hand, maybe Mr. Oates is just as dunderheaded as our beloved executive editor.

“I think so many people get locked into a self-image, especially in the world of performers and show business. Their self-image becomes one and the same with them. I certainly don’t feel like that particular image was me in any way and I didn’t want it to be me. I always look forward to growth and not going back.”

Yeah, yeah he definitely is. What the heck is he even talking about? When I shave my nutsack, am I embarking on some kind of spiritual journey to find my true self?

Of course, Oates is referring to personal growth and not upper lip growth. Fair enough. Still, his was one of the great stashes of all time, right up there with the likes of Salvador Dali, Albert Einstein, Hulk Hogan, Bob Goulet, Tom Selleck, Rollie Fingers, Bernie Scally and the aforementioned Yosemite Sam. (By the way, the voice of Yosemite Sam was the great Mel Blanc, who also wore a mustache, although it was more of the pencil-thin version.)

Again, it's "'stach." "Stash" means something completely different. His list of great mustache-wearers extends just a liiiiiiiiiitle bit too long, doesn't it? And duuuuuh Mel Blanc did the voices for Looney Tunes? Duuuuh I had no idea!

Unfortunately, I did not inherit the mustache gene from my father. Dad resembled actor Hal Linden, and with the moustache, Pop was a dead ringer for Linden’s television character Barney Miller, so much so that I would occasionally call him “Barn” in conversation.

At least he inherited the "great sense of humor" gene, right? Imagine the yuks that this family must have produced.

I wore a mustache and goatee for seven or eight years, but the upper lip part of that equation was one of the weakest mustaches in the history of mustaches. John Oates’ mustache would scoff at my mustache. Yosemite Sam’s mustache would actually berate my mustache right off my face.

Mark it down, folks. October 21st: the day Morsch writes something that I actually think is amusing. Not laugh-out-loud amusing, surely, but I smiled. This is actually good, somewhat witty writing.

In fact, I believe Sam would have no trepidation at all about calling me a crazy idget galoot, that’s how weak my stash was.

... And he blew it.

In hindsight, it would have been better if I had just ignored some of the more unruly nose hair and allowed it to incorporate itself into the mustache, just to add character and density to the overall effort.

That's disgusting, but for Morsch, entirely possible.

I believe that not doing so may have cost me my only chance for inclusion into the American Mustache Institute membership, a definite missed opportunity.

But that would be just splitting hairs.

He started these last paragraphs with a desperate need to do a "hair" pun. But how could he logically work it in? Deciding that this would be too much effort, he makes up a fictional organization (not funny), and uses that to hook in the pun (also not funny).

Twitter Roundup

Sister Sarah reacts negatively to Vanity Fair story saying she has a mean temper. Methinks she just proved the point.
11:52 AM Sep 3rd via web

Yet another chapter in the Morsch vs. Palin battle. The no-talent, idiotic, clueless boob local reporter vs. the attractive, savvy, popular national political leader. Who will win???

I like how Morsch uses "methinks," like he thinks he's some kind of genius for uncovering the supposed irony here.

Phils pitcher Ryan Madsen in Glenside today on endorsement appearance. Wonder what kind of crowd he'll draw?
7:58 AM Sep 4th via web

...Just got back. Madson was gracious and friendly.
11:41 AM Sep 4th via web in reply to GregVince

Celebrity! Gracious! Friendly! One wonders if Morsch will ever meet a celebrity who is rude and antagonistic toward him at a public event.

Lakewood's Jiwan James looks a whole lot like Dom Brown. I hope he develops the same way.
about 17 hours ago via web

I googled pictures of the two baseball players in question. Mr. Brown and Mr. James share a certain thin, athletic frame, but other than that, guess what their only similarity is.

Go on, guess.

Yep. They're both black. It's like saying that Jerry Seinfeld looks a whole lot like Jim Carrey because they're both skinny white comedians.

Continuing Lack of Effort

A preview to this week's obviously baseball-centric article: yet another Twitter post demonstrating an utter lack of baseball savvy.

Can't we just have a 1-2-3 ninth?
about 18 hours ago via web

No, because our "closer" has a WHIP of 1.63. Until he's replaced, we'll virtually never have a 1-2-3 ninth... and probably never a 1-2-3-4 ninth, either.

Tuesday, July 27, 2010
Phils 'Photo Day' picture perfect

Are you even trying any more, Morsch? Even the puns seem limp and effortless these days.

The Phillies organization has always tried its best to be fan friendly and last Saturday was no different at the annual “Photo Day” promotion.

One assumes that, in the infancy of his newspaper career, Morsch wrote actual news stories. Did they all feature lead-ins as lame as this one? "August is traditionally the hottest month of the year, and this year's August is similarly hot." Come on!

The heat, which approached 100 degrees that day, didn’t seem to bother the fans or the players. Thousands of fans lined the designated areas on the field to get pictures of the players, many of whom stopped and posed with the faithful.

I am having a vision of MM gushing about how friendly the players were to the fans. Dare I also suggest that he use the words "gracious" and "kind"?

Son of Blonde Accountant and I had a pretty decent spot in rightfield

I would like to think this is a shout-out to me. Is "rightfield" a compound word?

where we waited for the players to appear. The youngster is celebrating his birthday this week and the ballgame was one of his birthday gifts.

The limited time of the event prevented us from getting pictures of all the players, but we were fortunate enough to have a few stop and pose. Primary among them was leftfielder Raul Ibanez — by all accounts a standup guy and class act — who put his arm around Son of Blonde Accountant and smiled for the camera.

Woah woah woah - he SMILED for the camera? This is a thing unheard of. Nothing demonstrates your qualities as a "standup guy" more than smiling for pictures and putting your arm around someone.

Other players who stopped for us included J.A. Happ, Jose Contreras, Danys Baez, Joe Blanton, David Herndon and Vance Worley,

Who?

who later made his major league debut in the game pitching a scoreless ninth inning, then was shipped out immediately after the game to Triple A Lehigh Valley to make room for Happ, who was coming off the disabled list to pitch on Sunday.

Oh, neat! Wait, no, the opposite of that. Dumb. Because all that information about Vance Worley contributes nothing to the story of "going to get pictures taken with the Phillies." It's useless. A good editor (perhaps even a good EXECUTIVE editor) would probably cut that.

But I was particularly impressed with manager Charlie Manuel and the entire coaching staff — pitching coach Rich Dubee, bench coach Pete Mackanin, third base coach Sam Perlozzo, bullpen coach Mick Billmeyer and new hitting coach Greg Gross.

I'm actually interested to hear why he's so impressed. Did they engage in some generic banter during the picture-taking? Maybe give a thumbs-up in addition to smiling and arm-draping?

Each took plenty of time, especially with the kids, to chat and pose for pictures.

Ah, so in addition to posing for pictures (who would have thought they'd do that on PHOTO DAY???), they chatted. This reminds me of Morsch's article on the great, great Robin Roberts, who once signed autographs for people despite it being a hot day.

Charlie took so much time that his handlers had to remind everybody within ear shot that there was a game to be played and we ought not to delay the skipper any further. Charlie didn’t seem to be in any hurry, though.

Charlie probably is a very nice guy. He seems like it. But this is perhaps the most lame example of his niceness I've ever heard.

We got a lot of pictures. And the Phillies won big that day. It was a good day to be at the ballpark.

An ending with all the style and creativity of an elementary school essay.

Labels: Mike Morsch, Montgomery Newspapers, Outta Leftfield, Phillies

The Hat Trick

Tuesday, June 8, 2010
Skynyrd drummer's art rocks

This is the best day ever. THREE blog posts in one day, and this one is sure to feature Morsch drooling over a washed-up pseudo-celebrity.

Michael Cartellone is a class act. The drummer for the legendary southern rock band Lynyrd Skynyrd for the past 11 years,

This cracks me up. It's not like this guy did the recordings for Free Bird or Sweet Home Alabama or anything. He joined up with them in 1999 - far, far removed from the band's "legendary" years in the mid 70's.

he’s been painting since he was 4 years old. Many of those paintings, a lot of them with a rock theme of course, were on display Sunday at Wentworth Gallery in the King of Prussia mall.

You know those actors who put out music albums? This guy's paintings are of about the same quality. It looks like Cartellone did most of these paintings when he actually was four years old.

I had the pleasure of interviewing Cartellone for a preview story on the event, which appeared in the Ticket entertainment section of Montgomery Newspapers a few weeks ago.

Oh, oh, the plllllleeeeeaaasssssuuurreeee of interviewing him. The absolute ppplllleeaaassuuureee.

Cartellone was just as pleasant and accommodating in person as he was on the phone during the interview.

Well, duh. Would anyone say something like this: "Cartellone was a total son-of-a-bitch bastard on the phone. Nice guy in person, though."

He had a lot of family and friends at the exhibition with him, including his parents, and spent a lot of time talking with fans of his music and art during the three-hour event.

Is anyone else here reminded of the audience at a 9th-grade play? Family, friends, parents. It would also surprise - nay, ASTOUND - me if he didn't talk to fans about his art at, you know, his art exhibition.

One of Cartellone’s pieces, titled “New York,” features a likeness of his father, Joseph. The fan that purchased the piece at Wentworth on Sunday got both the artist and his father to sign the artwork, creating a uniquely one-of-a-kind aspect to the painting.

Did you know that "unique" means "one of a kind"? So Mr. Morsch has bestowed a high compliment on this painting: it is one-of-a-kind-ly one of a kind. He forgot to say that it was interestingly fascinating and awesomely cool.

Wentworth has in the past hosted exhibits by Paul Stanley, lead singer of KISS, and actress Jane Seymour. Gallery director Tom Curley always hosts a nice event for local fans and art aficionados and makes sure they get some face time with the artists when they purchase a piece of art.

Three uses of "art" in the same sentence: beautiful. I hope these "artists" don't think they're actually talented because people want to buy their crappy paintings. You think Michael Cartellone, Paralegal would sell as many paintings as Michael Cartellone, Musician? Hardly.

On that particular Sunday afternoon in June, Cartellone plus Curley equaled . . . cool.

What? Explain that equation to me, please.

Labels: Lynyrd Skynyrd, Michael Cartellone, Mike Morsch, Montgomery Newspapers, Outta Leftfield, Wentworth Gallery

I also want to share this, posted a while ago on Twitter:

Werth is missing pitches that he should be pooping all over. Jeez.
about 17 hours ago via web

I would pay real money for announcers to start using "pooping all over" as a synonym for "hitting well."

It's a hot day in mid-June. Tom McCarthy and Chris Wheeler call a Phils game as Jayson Werth struggles at the plate.
T-Mac: Oh, caught looking at a curveball, and Werth is rung up.
Wheels: And right there was a pitch that Werth should just be pooping all over.
T-Mac: What?
Wheels: Pooping all over. Jayson Werth should just be pulling down his pants and pooping all over that pitch. Jeez!
T-Mac: Well pooping all over those pitches is what hitting coach Milt Thompson has addressed several times with Werth...

Fact vs. Fiction

Tuesday, May 18, 2010
I'm done with these TV dramas

YES! We've heard Morsch's opinions on baseball... we've heard his opinions on novelty holidays and the Three Stooges... and now we'll be treated to his undoubtedly fascinating thoughts on prime-time dramas.

I’ve pretty much had it with television dramas.

Just in case you didn't get the idea from, you know, the title of the article.

In particular, my days of watching “Grey’s Anatomy” and its spinoff, “Private Practice,” as well as “Desperate Housewives” and “Brothers and Sisters,” are over.

"Grey's Anatomy" is still on the air? You could have fooled me.

Why? Well, too much drama for me. Duh, that’s why those shows are called dramas, huh?

Oh... so wait... is he admitting how pointless his own column is?

I really don’t have much invested in “Grey’s” or “Housewives.” If I miss those two, I don’t lose sleep. I like “Brothers and Sisters” because I like watching Sally Field and Rob Lowe perform. I go all the way back to Ms. Field’s film performance with Burt Reynolds in “Smokey and the Bandit” and I like Lowe’s character on “West Wing” several years ago.

Two things that are not a big surprise: Morsch likes the "zany" 70's hijinx of "Smokey and the Bandit," and he enjoys the leftist fantasy drama "West Wing."

And I started to follow “Private Practice” from its inception because of Kate Walsh (Dr. Addison Montgomery), who I had the opportunity to interview during the 2008 presidential campaign when she was in Montgomery County stumping for President Obama.

Fantastic. Not only does Morsch show his abject devotion to those who allow him to "interview" them (if his interviewing skills are like all of his other newspaper-related skills... well, you know what I'm getting at), but gee, a lib member of the press fawning over a Hollywood person stumping for Obama. More like Outta Cliche-field.

Ms. Walsh was very gracious and articulate during the interview. I would be remiss in my job if I also didn’t report that she is what we in journalism call “very humma humma” in the looks department. (Just doing my job there folks.)

I repeat - how in the world can this man be married? TWICE? Does he order these women from Albania or something?

But it was “Private Practice” that finally put me over the edge. In this year’s season finale, there was an accident (there are always accidents in TV dramas, which of course is no accident);

Hold the phone - you mean the fact that THINGS HAPPEN on TV is planned - as in, SCRIPTED??? Morsch has just blown the lid off this whole "drama" industry.

a pregnant teenage in the accident, forcing the doctors to choose between saving the baby or operating on the mother’s spinal injury so she would not lose the use of her legs; an engagement, ill-timed at best; all kinds of romantic feelings flying between the characters; and the death of one of the regular characters on the show.

Does Morsch watch "Lost"? From what I understand of the show's increasingly ridiculous plotline, it would take a paragraph three times that length to describe it.

All in one episode.

And what with memorizing the statistics of every Phillies player ever, there is precious little room in Morsch's brain for all those goings-on.

And then Lowe’s character on “Brothers and Sisters” died in a horrific multi-car crash in the same week as well.

I'm having a great time imagining Morsch spitting his beer and peanuts all over the place in fury: "Slow down! Too much happening! Need more pie fights!"

It was too much for me. Real life is difficult enough, filled with challenges and tragedies.

But no tragedy so terrible as the fictional death of a make-believe person played by Rob Lowe.

I am no longer am interested in being reminded that real life can stink.

"I am no longer am interested"... This may come as a shock to Morsch, but in "the biz" of writing things that will be published, it's customary to review your articles for horrible errors like these.

From here on out, I’m sticking to watching the Phillies on TV.

Oh for Pete's sake! I can't believe I didn't see this coming. I hate to break it to you Morsch, but the Phillies can lose games - tragedy! Players can be released - drama! - or retire - more tragedy! Old players, like the almost inhumanly noble Robin Roberts, can actually die. And those are real-life things. Isn't that worse?

If they stink, I’ll just turn the channel to something less dramatic and more cerebral . . . professional rasslin’.

Do you think that Morsch knows what an "ending" is? When they covered "beginning, middle and end" in school, did he miss the third day or something?

Labels: " Outta Leftfield, Brothers and Sisters, Desperate Housewives, Grey's Anatomy, Kate Walsh, Mike Morsch, Montgomery Newspapers, Private Practice, Rob Lowe

Surprise! Morsch Writes about The Phillies

Tuesday, May 11, 2010
The class and grace of Robin Roberts

Can it be considered an "unnecessary baseball reference" when an entire column is about baseball? I think it can - we've pretty much hit the critical mass for baseball references. From here on out, any union of Outta Leftfield and baseball is unnecessary.

It was in the mid-1990s and Robin Roberts was appearing at an autograph signing event, the proceeds of which would benefit something called the Bottomley-Ruffing-Schalk Baseball Museum in the little central Illinois town of Nokomis, a spot on the map just outside the state capital of Springfield.

The only thing missing from this paragraph is the phrase "I was but a sapling then, green in youth." Are we witnessing the beginning another confusing Morsch lumber down memory lane?

Named after National Baseball Hall of Famers Jim Bottomley, Red Ruffing and Ray Schalk, the museum honors people from the central Illinois area who have contributed to baseball in some significant manner.

Useless information. Let's try again.

Roberts, the Hall of Fame Phillies pitcher, was born in nearby Springfield and would occasionally go back to his hometown area for events such as this one.

We're about a quarter of the way through your column, sir. Time to wrap up the prologue.

The weather was uncomfortably hot that day, like many summer days in central Illinois. The small museum — which lacked air conditioning — couldn’t accommodate the overflowing crowd that a hall of famer, and a local boy at that, had drawn. Fans eager for Roberts’ signature had crowded toward the table where he sat, making it even hotter and more uncomfortable than it already was.

It's laughable to see Morsch, Mr. Beer and Hot Dogs and Guys-Are-Sloppy and Baseball and Three Stooges, trying to actually write something. It's like watching a dog try to do long division.

I had met Mr. Roberts a few times before that day in the museum. At that point in my career, I had no idea I would move from central Illinois to the Philadelphia area and would have many more occasions to be in his company and interview him for stories I was writing.

We've covered this absolutely unremarkable fact before. Wow, you moved somewhere that you heard of before. I recently moved to Quakertown. Who would have thought?

Like that day in Illinois, Mr. Roberts always handled himself with grace and class, even under trying circumstances.

Even though it was a hot day, Robin Roberts still showed up at a public event. They really broke the mold when they made him.

He signed every autograph request, and it became quite a windfall for the tiny museum out in the middle of nowhere. I remember thinking at the time that the ex-player was the epitome of grace under pressure.

A kind and generous thing to do, no doubt. But really? THIS is the story you choose to highlight someone's apparently legendary class and grace?

Once I moved out here, Mr. Roberts would occasionally show up in the Ambler area, mostly in October for a golf outing at Limekiln Golf Course, owned by another Whiz Kid, Curt Simmons. Although I’m not a golfer, there were a few occasions before tee-off where I got sit in the golf course clubhouse and listen to some baseball stories.

What is he doing, just camping out in the clubhouse and hoping that a former baseball player will walk in? Roberts probably dreaded the days when his peaceful round of golf would be disrupted by some loitering oaf. Did the newspaper know how Morsch was spending his time?

I crossed paths again with Mr. Roberts at the National Constitution Center in 2008 when it hosted a traveling exhibit from the National Baseball Hall of Fame in Cooperstown. It was there that I got a chance to interview him for a story on the exhibit that appeared in Montgomery Newspapers.

This is a truly pathetic "chain" of "events." What's left out is that there are probably, like, ten years between these meetings. I saw a Maynard Ferguson concert when I was in 5th Grade. I crossed paths with him again at a concert when I was a junior in high school. He showed grace and class by showing up to both events. Maybe I should write my own column...

His baseball career ended in the mid-1960s and I never got a chance to see him pitch. But he was a hall of famer in every sense of the word, especially off the field. Never in the dozen or so times I was in his company did he have a cross word for anybody or refuse an autograph request.

Except after Morsch left, when Mr. Roberts would invariably remark, "Who IS that fat, stupid bastard?" And I'm still trying to figure out the "he was a hall of famer... especially off the field." As though his 286 wins and his 305 complete games have nothing to do with it. No, they let him in because he's a nice guy and they figured he'd probably sign a lot of autographs in the future.

Robin Roberts died last week in his Florida home at age 83. He was a first-class player and a first-class human being. Not only was he one of my favorite baseball players, he’s one of my favorite people of all time.

Ooh, the kicker! Robin Roberts was a nice guy, and guess what? He's DEAD. I really enjoy the superlative "he's one of my favorite people of all time" bit. Right up there with Jesus, George Washington and Thomas Edison, no doubt. It reminds me of that old Chris Farley bit on SNL when he'd interview a celebrity and say stuff like, "Tonight my guest is Jeff Daniels, one of the greatest actors... around I guess?"

Only the good die young, except for the ones who live to be really old.

Labels: " Outta Leftfield, Mike Morsch, Montgomery Newspapers, National Baseball Hall of Fame, Robin Roberts

Not just the Baseball Hall of Fame, mind you - the National Baseball Hall of Fame. Also, please note the " before the Outta Leftfield label. Is this a typo? Whatever it is, it's screwing up his labels... two columns now appear only under "Outta Leftfield.