Like the Bumble Snow Monster of the North, Mike Morsch appears to be roaring to life this winter. Just when I thought I was out... he PULLS me back in...
OUTTA LEFTFIELD: Monday morning blues reveal no clues on shoes
Published: Wednesday, February 01, 2012
By Mike Morsch
Executive Editor
Reason why Borsch is a Bad Writer #[insert Borsch-esque "hilariously" high number here]: he could have used "few" instead of "no." It would still be a horrible title, but at least you'd know he put 100% into it. As it stands, it just reminds me of Blues Clues.
I can’t imagine a better time than the first thing on a Monday morning for me to take a shoe personality quiz.
That’s what happens when a columnist doesn’t spend the proper time developing a column idea. He find himself right up against a deadline and has to force himself to stay awake long enough on a Monday morning to take a shoe personality quiz.
"He find himself"? Really?
In other words: "My apologies, folks. I got nothing." Don't try to pass it off like this is all part of the zany life of a columnist. Borsch can write about ANYTHING (or, when that fails, swipe whole paragraphs from Wikipedia) - as long as he spews out 200 words on National Cheese Day or the color of his own couch, he's golden.
He's lazy - that's the real story here.
As has been reported in this space many times, I am not the shoe expert in my house. When I first met The Blonde Accountant, I had three pairs of shoes: black, brown and sneakers. She had approximately 300 pairs of shoes housed in warehouse in her backyard.
Here's an easy way to pad out a column when you lack the creativity for an original topic: reference how many shoes your wife owns! AGAIN! Please refer to this quote from a Borsch column published on October 12, 2010:
As for shoes, The Blonde Accountant has 6,497 pairs of shoes in the warehouse she calls a closet.
The only interesting thing about this "column" so far is that TBA has apparently purchased 6,197 pairs of shoes since he first met her. At least she still stores them in a "warehouse."
Borsch goes on to mention that he only wears three pairs of shoes: black, brown and sneakers (rimshot!!!). He repeats this joke several times. Then he eats up two paragraphs describing how he once observed some OTHER guy buying shoes. So far this column has more superfluous filling than your average Thanksgiving dinner.
Despite many experiences like that, I decided that the best way to start off the work week was by taking a shoe personality quiz, with the hope that the quiz would immediately recognize it was me goofing around and just go right to the end and recommend that the shoe that best fits my personality were the red canvas high-top Chuck Taylors that I already have in my closet.
Gee... did he, by any chance, take a shoe personality quiz at some point?
February 22, 2011 "column": Outta Leftfield - Attempt to buy new pair of 'Chucks' gets off on the wrong foot. Borsch describes his quest for a pair of "black canvas high-tops Chucks." Let's count the number of times he uses the exact phrase "red canvas high-top Chuck Taylors," shall we?
Well, that was a miscalculation. The shoe personality quiz, offered by some online outfit called JustFabulous, was for women, which apparently is not the primary audience to which Converse markets its red canvas high-top Chuck Taylor tennis shoes.
Two.
Steeling my resolve to get a column out of the idea, I proceeded with the quiz anyway. At the very least, maybe The Blonde Accountant would be impressed that I was attempting to learn more about the shoes that will likely end up in her closet. (Editor’s note: She wasn’t. Her response was: “And what is your shoe personality? Moe, Larry or Curly?” That right there is why I love her, folks.)
So it's Monday morning, and he's desperately scrambling for a column idea (which, again, could literally be anything on Earth). He begins a quiz. It's for women. He takes it anyway because he can think of no other idea. Truly, this is a man who earns his pay.
The first question on the quiz was: Which celebrity’s style do you most covet? The choices were Jennifer Aniston, Jennifer Lopez and Nicole Richie. (Editor’s note: There was no option to choose PeeWee Herman, so I chose Jennifer Aniston.)
Editor's note: PeeWee Herman is a noted public masturbator. He is also, apparently, Borsch's fashion plate of choice.
The second question was: Which celebrity might you look to for style and inspiration? The choices were Reese Witherspoon, Beyonce and Drew Barrymore. (Editor’s note: There was no option to choose Elton John, circa 1976, so I chose Drew Barrymore, who I believe once inspired David Letterman by jumping up on his desk and raising her shirt.)
Oh, because Elton John wears those big glasses, right? That's fresh. You know, when I think of Ms. Barrymore, it's more for her roles in "Scream" and "Charlie's Angels." But I'm not an old pervert like David Letterman or Mike Morsch.
The third question was: If you could raid any celebrity’s wardrobe, you’d invade? The choices were Eva Longoria, Jessica Biel and Carrie Underwood. (Editor’s note: It seems to me that raiding any celebrity’s wardrobe would get one a Go Directly To Jail card, but since the survey was all in good fun, I chose Jessica Biel because she is … uh …well … is it warm in here or is it just me?)
Borsch, describing talking to Kathleen Turner in a January 4, 2011 article: ...well . . . ahem. Is it getting warm in here or is it just me? From his reactions to these attractive celebs, I suspect that ol' Mike isn't just inspired by PeeWee Herman's wardrobe.
And on and on it went. I was asked about which style of shoe I like most (red canvas high-top Chucks), which shoe best embodies my fashion style (red canvas high-top Chucks) and when I go out on a Saturday night, which shoe best illustrates my personality (uh … the red canvas high-top Chucks).
Three, four and five. Recipe for comedy: (1) use a word or phrase; (2) repeat. Classic! He then suggests that his dress size would be 16, because he's big and fat. Can anyone tell that, deep down, Borsch STILL doesn't have an idea for a column?
When the quiz was all said and done — in the interest of full disclosure, I did not complete it because as it turns out, even fun quizzes aren’t all that fun to take on Monday mornings — JustFabulous suggested that it would employ a team of celebrity stylists to study my quiz results and then select a collection of shoes that the team thinks will make me absolutely giddy.
So wait... if he didn't complete the quiz, where did this suggestion come from?
So it has come to this: It’s Monday morning and I’m researching women’s shoes for a column. I believe the word “sheesh” adequately describes the experience.
With apologies to the Mamas and the Papas … Monday, Monday, can’t trust that day. Monday, Monday, sometimes it just turns out that way.
Well, alright then. When you can't think up a column, take (but not finish) an online quiz, repeat material from previous columns, and use song lyrics to wrap everything up. So was this a column about how hard it is to get column ideas? About shoes? About Mondays? Does anyone really care?
By the way, several hours ago I submitted a comment for Borsch's column: "Don't keep us in suspense - did you come up with a column idea???" As of now, it has not been approved.
Showing posts with label The Three Stooges. Show all posts
Showing posts with label The Three Stooges. Show all posts
Wednesday, February 1, 2012
Monday, May 2, 2011
Yet Another Stooges Convention!
Three Stooges co-stars highlight annual convention in Fort Washington
Published: Monday, May 02, 2011
By Mike Morsch
Executive Editor
I look forward to seeing what chunks of his previous Three Stooges stories he will vomit back up for us to enjoy. Column highlights:
The 2011 Three Stooges Fan Club Meeting featured two of those co-stars — Adrian Booth Brian and Sally Starr — who greeted fans and signed autographs as part of the annual knuckleheadfest Saturday and Sunday, which also included events at the Stoogeum, a Smithsonian-quality museum in nearby Spring House, owned and operated by Gary Lassin.
2009 Article - "Gary also is owner and curator of the Stoogeum, a museum of his personal collection of Stooges memorabilia in Springhouse..."
2010 Article - "Gary Lassin... curator of the fabulous Stoogeum museum in Spring House..."
Wow, the Stoogeum has gone from "a museum" to a "fabulous... museum" to "a Smithsonian-quality museum"! How does Mr. Lassin afford all those upgrades?
Philadelphia fans will remember “Our gal Sal” Sally Starr...
... No.
The Stooges actually appeared on her show during its run. Because of that exposure to a new generation, Starr was among those credited with helping revive the careers of The Three Stooges — which had waned in the late 1950s — to the point that the boys offered her a part in their 1965 feature-length film, “The Outlaws is Coming,” which also starred Adam West, who would go on in 1966 to play the lead role in the campy television series “Batman.”
That's right, folks - from "because" to "Batman," that's all one sentence. Try reading it all in one breath.
Starr said she first met the Stooges in the early to mid-1960s when they performed at the Latin Casino, a Philadelphia-area nightclub just across the river in Cherry Hill, N.J. Among the big names to appear at “The Latin” in those days were Frank Sinatra, Don Rickles, Tom Jones, The Supremes, Frankie Avalon and Bobby Darin, among others.
Why do we have to get this unnecessary extra info? Adam West was also in a movie, Tom Jones performed at the same club... Maybe in more skilled hands these tidbits would add flavor to a story, but here they're obviously just space-consuming filler.
At age 93, Adrian Booth Brian is one of the oldest-living Stooges co-stars... Booth Brian said that with the release of “You Natzy Spy!” in 1940, she and the Stooges became the first to satirize Adolph Hitler, “ahead of Charlie Chaplin and everybody else.”
“The Great Dictator,” starring Chaplin, was released in October 1940 and is considered Chaplin’s first true talking picture and was his most commercially successfully film.
Again, why is this information here??? Come on, Borsch, these are the Three Stooges! Talk about pie fights and "nyuks" and knuckleheads!
As for the Stooges, Booth Brian said she enjoyed every minute working with them.
“Moe was kind of the brains. Larry was just very sweet,” she said. “They weren’t very much different off camera than they were on camera. But they were very nice to me.”
... The end. Frankly, I was anticipating more. There is a video attached to this story, by the way. It's 1:30 long, and features plenty of classic Borsch slow-pans and awkward close-ups. It concludes with him filming somebody's license plate because it reads "STOOGES," like a vanity license plate is an Earth-shattering discovery.
Published: Monday, May 02, 2011
By Mike Morsch
Executive Editor
I look forward to seeing what chunks of his previous Three Stooges stories he will vomit back up for us to enjoy. Column highlights:
The 2011 Three Stooges Fan Club Meeting featured two of those co-stars — Adrian Booth Brian and Sally Starr — who greeted fans and signed autographs as part of the annual knuckleheadfest Saturday and Sunday, which also included events at the Stoogeum, a Smithsonian-quality museum in nearby Spring House, owned and operated by Gary Lassin.
2009 Article - "Gary also is owner and curator of the Stoogeum, a museum of his personal collection of Stooges memorabilia in Springhouse..."
2010 Article - "Gary Lassin... curator of the fabulous Stoogeum museum in Spring House..."
Wow, the Stoogeum has gone from "a museum" to a "fabulous... museum" to "a Smithsonian-quality museum"! How does Mr. Lassin afford all those upgrades?
Philadelphia fans will remember “Our gal Sal” Sally Starr...
... No.
The Stooges actually appeared on her show during its run. Because of that exposure to a new generation, Starr was among those credited with helping revive the careers of The Three Stooges — which had waned in the late 1950s — to the point that the boys offered her a part in their 1965 feature-length film, “The Outlaws is Coming,” which also starred Adam West, who would go on in 1966 to play the lead role in the campy television series “Batman.”
That's right, folks - from "because" to "Batman," that's all one sentence. Try reading it all in one breath.
Starr said she first met the Stooges in the early to mid-1960s when they performed at the Latin Casino, a Philadelphia-area nightclub just across the river in Cherry Hill, N.J. Among the big names to appear at “The Latin” in those days were Frank Sinatra, Don Rickles, Tom Jones, The Supremes, Frankie Avalon and Bobby Darin, among others.
Why do we have to get this unnecessary extra info? Adam West was also in a movie, Tom Jones performed at the same club... Maybe in more skilled hands these tidbits would add flavor to a story, but here they're obviously just space-consuming filler.
At age 93, Adrian Booth Brian is one of the oldest-living Stooges co-stars... Booth Brian said that with the release of “You Natzy Spy!” in 1940, she and the Stooges became the first to satirize Adolph Hitler, “ahead of Charlie Chaplin and everybody else.”
“The Great Dictator,” starring Chaplin, was released in October 1940 and is considered Chaplin’s first true talking picture and was his most commercially successfully film.
Again, why is this information here??? Come on, Borsch, these are the Three Stooges! Talk about pie fights and "nyuks" and knuckleheads!
As for the Stooges, Booth Brian said she enjoyed every minute working with them.
“Moe was kind of the brains. Larry was just very sweet,” she said. “They weren’t very much different off camera than they were on camera. But they were very nice to me.”
... The end. Frankly, I was anticipating more. There is a video attached to this story, by the way. It's 1:30 long, and features plenty of classic Borsch slow-pans and awkward close-ups. It concludes with him filming somebody's license plate because it reads "STOOGES," like a vanity license plate is an Earth-shattering discovery.
Sunday, January 16, 2011
Incredibly Fresh and New Things
Sunday mornings with The Three Stooges. Beautimous.
Truly, a man of many and varied interests.
Talked with Chely Wright today to preview her Sellersville Theater show on Jan. 28. She's a great interview.
Is he on the Sellersville Theater payroll or something? Do any other theaters in the area know the loads of free publicity a newspaper editor gives to one of their competitors? Would he ever admit to having a lame interview?
Truly, a man of many and varied interests.
Talked with Chely Wright today to preview her Sellersville Theater show on Jan. 28. She's a great interview.
Is he on the Sellersville Theater payroll or something? Do any other theaters in the area know the loads of free publicity a newspaper editor gives to one of their competitors? Would he ever admit to having a lame interview?
Saturday, January 8, 2011
2010 - A Year of Lameness in Review
@chrisvisco1 Re: Article on you: Whose the man? Tuesday, January 04, 2011 9:55:04 PM via web in reply to chrisvisco1
Unless this is a joke, that should be "who's the man."
Outta Leftfield: The most interesting interviews of 2010
Published: Tuesday, January 04, 2011
By Mike Morsch
Seeing the title of this article, one might suppose that this is sort of a "Top Ten" list of all the minor celebs and local musicians to whom Morsch has spoken. But seeing the LENGTH of this article, it's obvious that this is practically everyone to whom Morsch has spoken. Not unusual for a man who can't think of a bad thing to say about anyone (except Palin).
On the phone, Olivia Newton-John sounds just like she did in the classic film “Grease.” Joziah Longo, frontman for the band Gandalf Murphy and the Slambovian Circus of Dreams, has a distinctive look and a personality to match. Pete Rose sometimes says one thing during a conversation, but appears to mean something entirely different.
I love that Pete Rose thing - like Morsch is such an ace interviewer he can see into his very soul.
Those are just some of the tidbits of information that didn’t make it into the stories about these people when they visited our area last year. Here is a look at some of the memorable interviews of 2010:
Oh, if only we had gotten that "says something, appears to mean something else" tidbit sooner!
William Quigley and Roger Apollon — These two guys got together — Quigley as owner of the Sellersville Theater 1894 and Apollon as frontman for the band Bigger Thomas, whose parents are both Haitian — and put on a benefit concert to aid relief efforts for the people of Haiti devastated by a January earthquake.
Sellersville Theater! How about a "Most Over-Used Column Topics" post, Morsch?
Several area bands donated their time, and the ST94 staff worked the Sunday evening benefit for free. When the final tallying was done, the effort raised $12,000 for the International Red Cross.
Quigley, Apollon, all those involved and those who attended really came together as a community for a good cause.
So why exactly was this a great interview?
Jane Seymour — Ms. Seymour was back in the area in February exhibiting her art at Wentworth Gallery in the King of Prussia Mall and was more than willing to talk about it.
A celeb willing to promote herself. Imagine that.
It was pretty much the same interview and story as the one I wrote last year when she appeared at the gallery. But one of the founding principles of good journalism is . . . to never pass up an opportunity to interview the really good looking Hollywood stars when they come to our area.
By the way, at age 59, Ms. Seymour looks fabulous, has impeccable taste in clothing and in person is a tiny woman, much smaller than I had expected.
At least Morsch admits that he writes the same crap over and over.
Dr. Ronald Mallett — A renowned physicist, Dr. Mallett was at the Penn State Abington campus to give a lecture about his work with time travel.
It was more physics than it was “Back to the Future” science fiction, but it was interesting and informative, and Dr. Mallett was a good interview.
Care to elaborate on that? No? Cool.
Apparently filmmaker and director Spike Lee is making a movie about Mallett’s childhood desire to build a time machine and travel back in time to warn his father of an impending fatal heart attack. I was hoping to at least make enough of an impression on Dr. Mallett that he would put in a good word with Lee to see if I could get a cameo in the film. As a cynical reporter, of course.
If there's a bumbling retard in Lee's film, we'll know who provided the inspiration.
Ricky Skaggs — Bluegrass isn’t my thing, but there is no denying that country superstar Skaggs is at the forefront these days of making sure this type of music is appreciated and not forgotten.
So basically, "I hate it, but he keeps doing it."
During an interview to preview his February appearance at the Sellersville Theater 1894, the Kentucky-born Skaggs referred to himself as and “old fud.”
I’m not sure what an old fud is in Kentucky, but here in Pennsylvania, it’s likely followed by, “I want you to be vewy, vewy quiet . . . I’m hunting wabbits.”
Elmer Fudd - apparently one of history's famous Pennsylvanians.
Brian Seltzer — The Elkins Park native was named the new play-by-play voice of the Reading Phillies in February.
The cool thing about his story was that his first exposure to a live sporting event was Game 6 of the 1993 National League Championship Series between the Phillies and the Atlanta Braves.
WOW! That's not cool.
In Seltzer’s party that day was a teacher from Myers Elementary School named . . . Mike Schmidt, who still teaches at the school and shares a name with a certain Phillies Hall of Fame third baseman.
WOW! Still not cool.
Nearly 17 years after that day in Veterans Stadium, Seltzer got the job with the Reading Phillies.
As for all the coincidences in that story, I’ll defer to the late Hall of Fame broadcaster Rich Asburn: “Hard to believe, Harry.”
Ha! Are you kidding me? The current Reading Phillies' announcer once attended to a Phillies game and knew a guy with the same name as a Philly player.
Olivia Newton-John — Remember the scene in “Grease” when the John Travolta character unexpectedly sees the Olivia Newton-John character for the first time at Rydell High School? He exclaims, “Sandy?”
That’s what I wanted to say when my office phone rang and the voice on the other end said, “Hello, this is Olivia.”
I grew up on Olivia Newton-John’s music. And when “Grease” came out in 1979, I was 20 years old. I can assure you that I thought then that Ms. Newton-John did more for black stretch pants than anybody has ever done in the history of black stretch pants. (Further viewing of the movie reveals the pants may actually have been Spandex, but whatever they were made of, Olivia Newton-John looked pretty humma-humma in them.)
Disgusting.
She was in the area to do a benefit concert at West Chester University. I got a real kick out of talking to her. During our conversion, I even mentioned how fabulous she looked in those black leather (Spandex) pants, tastefully of course. I’m sure it wasn’t the first time she had heard that, but she giggled at the reference.
I made Olivia Newton-John giggle. That’s just too cool.
I would imagine it was more of a gag than a giggle.
Kathleen Turner — Another one of my favorites from the 1980s, Ms. Turner was in Philadelphia to star in the one-woman stage production of the life of newspaper columnist Molly Ivins.
If you remember Ms. Turner in the 1981 film “Body Heat,’ you know she was hot, hot, hot. Smokin’. Sultry. Sexy. Quite woo-hooable indeed.
We've already had three instances of Morsch lusting after the women he's interviewing. It's even making me uncomfortable.
And that voice. When I mentioned her unique voice during the interview, she said, “Well, it’s not really a girly voice now, is it?”
No ma’am it’s not, but it’s still, well . . . ahem. Is it getting warm in here or is it just me?
Sick!
Candace Bushnell — The “Sex in the City” author was at Penn State Abington for a discussion and book signing. Those of you who are fans of the HBO show and later movies will know that Ms. Bushnell’s alter ego Carrie Bradshaw (played by Sarah Jessica Parker) loves shoes.
And Ms. Bushnell did not disappoint the Penn State Abington crowd with her shoe selection: sparkly, pink, peep-toed six-inch stiletto heels by Christian Louboutin.
At the time I wrote: “They were more pink than ruby, but I’m pretty sure if Ms. Bushnell would have clicked those substantial heels together three times, we would have ended up somewhere in Kansas.”
Why don't you just re-print the entire article? It would be easier than coming up with new material, as you've obviously discovered.
And I’m still not sure who Christian Louboutin is. My guess is that he’s not from Kansas.
There were a few "guy with strange name" jokes in the original column as well.
Jo Dee Messina — Ms. Messina was making a return engagement to the Keswick Theater when I spoke with her in March.
The last time she was at the Keswick, in December 2008, she was in a hissing match with her record label, which wouldn’t release any of her new music. And she wasn’t shy about expressing her considerable displeasure with the record label to a reporter.
This time around, though, some of those differences appeared to have been resolved and Ms. Messina was tickled to be getting some new music to her fans.
This is like a horrible, never-ending deja vu nightmare.
In both interviews I’ve done with her, I have found her to be brutally honest with her answers and her relationship — or lack of one — with her record company.
Jo Dee can be aptly described as “feisty.” And she’s got a wonderfully feisty laugh on the other end of the telephone.
I don't want to know what Morsch was doing on his end of the telephone.
Joziah Longo — The frontman for the band Gandalf Murphy and the Slambovian Circus of Dreams, Longo is one interesting character. And that’s one great name for a band.
The story of how he came up with that name of the band is interesting enough, as I detailed in the story at the time, but add it to what he described as the “trippiness” of his music, and it was clear to see why the band has been described as “hillbilly Pink Floyd.”
One minor quibble - what makes these the "top" interviews of the year? I was expecting some kind of raking system, or a bit of explanation at the very least.
I was at the band’s show at the Sellersville Theater at the beginning of May, and the Slambovians delivered the goods.
Marilyn Hanold — A special guest at this year’s Three Stooges Fan Club convention in Fort Washington, Hanold was in the 1957 Stooges film “Space Ship Sappy” with the boys.
My God - if we can get a "spilling mustard" joke and a Hall and Oates reference in here, we really WILL have a "top Morsch cliches" article.
But also on her resume: She was Playboy’s Playmate of the Month in June 1959; she starred in the 1965 cult classic “Frankenstein Meets the Spacemonster,” which some critics have called the worst movie ever made; she appeared in a two-part episode as Liberace’s henchwoman in the campy television series “Batman” in 1966, which became the show’s highest-rated episode during its run; and she dated Elvis Presley in the 1950s.
She said Elvis got a huge kick about the fact that she had appeared in a Three Stooges short film. How could I not want to talk to somebody with that background? At seventysomething years of age, she’s still a head-turner.
Lusting after a 70-something-year-old woman - the Blonde Accountant must have headaches an awful lot, huh?
Kathy Mattea — The best interviews are the ones that end up being conversations, like two people sitting at a kitchen table chatting about life. Of course, when it comes to talking with a reporter, the interview subject will determine just how much of a kitchen table chat that will be.
What? I will pay $5 for someone to tell me what the hell that paragraph means.
Ms. Mattea — one of country music’s big females stars — is down to earth and easy to talk to, intelligent and articulate. Her stage presence and easiness with the crowd seemed perfectly suited for a venue like the Sellersville Theater.
And she spent a lot of time greeting fans after the show, which always impresses me.
No freakin' kidding. He mentions that in every article. IT'S WHAT THEY DO. Get over it. It's like being impressed when a politician shakes your hand. And that's the second Sellersville Theater reference we've had.
Mary Chapin Carpenter — Sticking with the intelligent and articulate conversation theme, Ms. Carpenter was much the same as Ms. Mattea, an easy telephone conversation, although I did botch her name a bit and she called me on it.
I referred to her as “Mary” in my greeting to her, which she promptly corrected. “My first name is Mary Chapin,” she said.
So she's a total bitch, is that what you're saying?
She was back on tour for the first time since recovering from a health scare that nearly took her life a few years ago, and was happy to be back on the road.
Unfortunately, I didn’t get a chance to see her August performance at the Keswick Theater in Glenside.
Any day that Morsch actually misses a local concert is one worth noting.
Ashley Gbemudu — The Wyndmoor teen, a recent graduate of Springfield Township High School, was selected to win the “Young Heroes Award” from the National Liberty Museum for being an outstanding role model in her school and community.
Ashley wants to get an undergraduate degree in nursing from Drexel University and then attend medical school, with the ultimate goal of being a pediatric oncologist.
It’s wonderful to talk with talented and ambitious young people who are recognized for their hard work.
I hope Morsch advised her to take time to greet her fans - truly the hallmark of any great person.
Paul Thorn — Not that it was a bad interview, but there was nothing unusual or special about my talk with Americana singer-songwriter Thorn. He did, however, provide what I thought was the greatest stage exit at the end of his show at the Sellersville Theater in August.
I'm thinking Morsch should re-name his column "Outta Sellersville Theater." It would more accurately reflect what he writes about.
Certainly, it was one of those moments where one had to be there to appreciate it. And the emotion and feeling loses something when put into words.
But during the encore song “That’s Life,” Thorn exited off the front of the stage while the band continued to play, hugging and shaking hands with the fans. He continued that through the crowd, up the aisle and into the lobby of the theater, where he stayed to greet fans.
It was the coolest stage exit I had ever seen.
This literally made me laugh. THAT was the coolest stage exit? The guy walked through the crowd and stood in the lobby?
Esai Morales — The popular actor — known for his roles in the 1987 film “La Bamba” as Ritchie Valens’ brother and as Lt. Tony Rodriguez from 2001-2004 on the acclaimed ABC series “NYPD Blue” — was at Penn State Abington in September as part of Hispanic Heritage Month.
As the time, he was on baby watch as he was expecting the birth of his first child at any moment back in Los Angeles. We talked a lot about impending fatherhood, and it was fun to listen to a first-time dad-to-be talk about the range of emotions he was feeling.
"The popular actor" - I'd never heard of this guy before.
Morales charmed the Penn State students and staff, and the baby didn’t arrive until he got back to Los Angeles.
Pete Rose — No matter what opinion one has of Rose as a person or if he belongs in the Major League Baseball Hall of Fame, there’s no denying he is a legend. And how many legends does one get to talk to?
I talked to "The Living Legend" Bruno Sammartino once. So I've got Morsch tied.
Rose was in Philly in October for the premiere of a new documentary on his playing days. The Hall of Fame debate will always be a part of every story on Pete, and he didn’t dodge those questions.
In one 20-minute conversation though, it occurred to me that although Pete likes to talk, he sometimes has trouble articulating his thoughts.
After reading more than a year of your column, sir, I'd direct you to the old proverb about living in a glass house. How dare this stooge accuse someone of not being able to express himself?!?
For example, he told a story about the impact he had on the Phillies 1980 championship team. The story centered on respect the players had for him — coming from those great Cincinnati Reds teams of the mid-1970s — and for each other in the clubhouse and on the field.
Given the context of the conversion and its tone, it could have sounded to some like Pete was actually being arrogant — a claim made often about Pete — and disrespectful to teammates like Greg Luzinski, Bob Boone and Larry Bowa.
I don't think "has trouble articulating" and "being arrogant" are the same thing.
That wasn’t the case at all. It’s just that he had trouble articulating those thoughts in their proper context. Consequently, I had trouble translating the story into the proper context for readers, so I was unable to effectively use the anecdote in my story.
Shut. Up. How many interviews has Pete Rose done? And not just with mediocre local reporters, but big-time national guys? Thousands? Is Morsch really prepared to say that the failure to put "thoughts in their proper context" was Rose's and not his own? What a colossal douche.
A Pittsburgh Pirates fan as a kid, I wasn’t too fond of Pete because he played for the Cincinnati Reds, and the two teams had a pretty good rivalry in the 1970s.
But I shared with him that I still have all my Pete Rose baseball cards from that era, including seven Rose cards from the 1971 set, the year the Pirates won the World Series.
I'm sure nobody has ever told Pete Rose that they actually own one of his baseball cards. And I'm sure Morsch has never told US that he liked the Pirates as a kid. Now, of course, he likes the Phillies. Front-runner.
Terri Clark — The country singer was still emotional about losing her mother to cancer in April when she brought her “Unplugged and Alone” tour to the Sellersville Theater in October. As I had lost my dad to cancer in 2006, we talked at length about those feelings.
Yet ANOTHER Sellersville interview makes the "top" list! Is anyone surprised?
The Sellersville show was filled with Clark’s emotion and she offered those attending an up-close look at those feelings. It made for a highly personal show between artist and audience, something you don’t see very often from the cheap seats.
No new material here. Didn't Morsch promise some kind of interesting new tidbits?
Bill Leahy — The La Salle High School lacrosse coach was inducted into the Montgomery County Coaches Hall of Fame in November.
I never played lacrosse and have only seen one lacrosse match in my life. When I went to the school to interview him for the story, the guy made such a good impression on me that I immediately wanted to pick up a stick, go back to high school, and play on his team, which might have been challenging because the stick I would have picked up would have been a baseball bat.
That is not funny and makes no sense.
I don’t think baseball bats are allowed during lacrosse games, but coach Leahy probably would have figured out a way for me to make it work.
He’s just that good of a coach. But he appears to be an even better human being. And what more can we ask out of those we entrust with our most precious commodity — our children?
The end. Seriously. Not even a little wrap-up paragraph. Other than being the perfect showcase for how lame, repetitive and clueless Morsch's columns are, what's the point of this column? It's not a "top ten." It's not even a "behind the scenes." It's more like a "I don't have a topic and the column is due tomorrow."
Unless this is a joke, that should be "who's the man."
Outta Leftfield: The most interesting interviews of 2010
Published: Tuesday, January 04, 2011
By Mike Morsch
Seeing the title of this article, one might suppose that this is sort of a "Top Ten" list of all the minor celebs and local musicians to whom Morsch has spoken. But seeing the LENGTH of this article, it's obvious that this is practically everyone to whom Morsch has spoken. Not unusual for a man who can't think of a bad thing to say about anyone (except Palin).
On the phone, Olivia Newton-John sounds just like she did in the classic film “Grease.” Joziah Longo, frontman for the band Gandalf Murphy and the Slambovian Circus of Dreams, has a distinctive look and a personality to match. Pete Rose sometimes says one thing during a conversation, but appears to mean something entirely different.
I love that Pete Rose thing - like Morsch is such an ace interviewer he can see into his very soul.
Those are just some of the tidbits of information that didn’t make it into the stories about these people when they visited our area last year. Here is a look at some of the memorable interviews of 2010:
Oh, if only we had gotten that "says something, appears to mean something else" tidbit sooner!
William Quigley and Roger Apollon — These two guys got together — Quigley as owner of the Sellersville Theater 1894 and Apollon as frontman for the band Bigger Thomas, whose parents are both Haitian — and put on a benefit concert to aid relief efforts for the people of Haiti devastated by a January earthquake.
Sellersville Theater! How about a "Most Over-Used Column Topics" post, Morsch?
Several area bands donated their time, and the ST94 staff worked the Sunday evening benefit for free. When the final tallying was done, the effort raised $12,000 for the International Red Cross.
Quigley, Apollon, all those involved and those who attended really came together as a community for a good cause.
So why exactly was this a great interview?
Jane Seymour — Ms. Seymour was back in the area in February exhibiting her art at Wentworth Gallery in the King of Prussia Mall and was more than willing to talk about it.
A celeb willing to promote herself. Imagine that.
It was pretty much the same interview and story as the one I wrote last year when she appeared at the gallery. But one of the founding principles of good journalism is . . . to never pass up an opportunity to interview the really good looking Hollywood stars when they come to our area.
By the way, at age 59, Ms. Seymour looks fabulous, has impeccable taste in clothing and in person is a tiny woman, much smaller than I had expected.
At least Morsch admits that he writes the same crap over and over.
Dr. Ronald Mallett — A renowned physicist, Dr. Mallett was at the Penn State Abington campus to give a lecture about his work with time travel.
It was more physics than it was “Back to the Future” science fiction, but it was interesting and informative, and Dr. Mallett was a good interview.
Care to elaborate on that? No? Cool.
Apparently filmmaker and director Spike Lee is making a movie about Mallett’s childhood desire to build a time machine and travel back in time to warn his father of an impending fatal heart attack. I was hoping to at least make enough of an impression on Dr. Mallett that he would put in a good word with Lee to see if I could get a cameo in the film. As a cynical reporter, of course.
If there's a bumbling retard in Lee's film, we'll know who provided the inspiration.
Ricky Skaggs — Bluegrass isn’t my thing, but there is no denying that country superstar Skaggs is at the forefront these days of making sure this type of music is appreciated and not forgotten.
So basically, "I hate it, but he keeps doing it."
During an interview to preview his February appearance at the Sellersville Theater 1894, the Kentucky-born Skaggs referred to himself as and “old fud.”
I’m not sure what an old fud is in Kentucky, but here in Pennsylvania, it’s likely followed by, “I want you to be vewy, vewy quiet . . . I’m hunting wabbits.”
Elmer Fudd - apparently one of history's famous Pennsylvanians.
Brian Seltzer — The Elkins Park native was named the new play-by-play voice of the Reading Phillies in February.
The cool thing about his story was that his first exposure to a live sporting event was Game 6 of the 1993 National League Championship Series between the Phillies and the Atlanta Braves.
WOW! That's not cool.
In Seltzer’s party that day was a teacher from Myers Elementary School named . . . Mike Schmidt, who still teaches at the school and shares a name with a certain Phillies Hall of Fame third baseman.
WOW! Still not cool.
Nearly 17 years after that day in Veterans Stadium, Seltzer got the job with the Reading Phillies.
As for all the coincidences in that story, I’ll defer to the late Hall of Fame broadcaster Rich Asburn: “Hard to believe, Harry.”
Ha! Are you kidding me? The current Reading Phillies' announcer once attended to a Phillies game and knew a guy with the same name as a Philly player.
Olivia Newton-John — Remember the scene in “Grease” when the John Travolta character unexpectedly sees the Olivia Newton-John character for the first time at Rydell High School? He exclaims, “Sandy?”
That’s what I wanted to say when my office phone rang and the voice on the other end said, “Hello, this is Olivia.”
I grew up on Olivia Newton-John’s music. And when “Grease” came out in 1979, I was 20 years old. I can assure you that I thought then that Ms. Newton-John did more for black stretch pants than anybody has ever done in the history of black stretch pants. (Further viewing of the movie reveals the pants may actually have been Spandex, but whatever they were made of, Olivia Newton-John looked pretty humma-humma in them.)
Disgusting.
She was in the area to do a benefit concert at West Chester University. I got a real kick out of talking to her. During our conversion, I even mentioned how fabulous she looked in those black leather (Spandex) pants, tastefully of course. I’m sure it wasn’t the first time she had heard that, but she giggled at the reference.
I made Olivia Newton-John giggle. That’s just too cool.
I would imagine it was more of a gag than a giggle.
Kathleen Turner — Another one of my favorites from the 1980s, Ms. Turner was in Philadelphia to star in the one-woman stage production of the life of newspaper columnist Molly Ivins.
If you remember Ms. Turner in the 1981 film “Body Heat,’ you know she was hot, hot, hot. Smokin’. Sultry. Sexy. Quite woo-hooable indeed.
We've already had three instances of Morsch lusting after the women he's interviewing. It's even making me uncomfortable.
And that voice. When I mentioned her unique voice during the interview, she said, “Well, it’s not really a girly voice now, is it?”
No ma’am it’s not, but it’s still, well . . . ahem. Is it getting warm in here or is it just me?
Sick!
Candace Bushnell — The “Sex in the City” author was at Penn State Abington for a discussion and book signing. Those of you who are fans of the HBO show and later movies will know that Ms. Bushnell’s alter ego Carrie Bradshaw (played by Sarah Jessica Parker) loves shoes.
And Ms. Bushnell did not disappoint the Penn State Abington crowd with her shoe selection: sparkly, pink, peep-toed six-inch stiletto heels by Christian Louboutin.
At the time I wrote: “They were more pink than ruby, but I’m pretty sure if Ms. Bushnell would have clicked those substantial heels together three times, we would have ended up somewhere in Kansas.”
Why don't you just re-print the entire article? It would be easier than coming up with new material, as you've obviously discovered.
And I’m still not sure who Christian Louboutin is. My guess is that he’s not from Kansas.
There were a few "guy with strange name" jokes in the original column as well.
Jo Dee Messina — Ms. Messina was making a return engagement to the Keswick Theater when I spoke with her in March.
The last time she was at the Keswick, in December 2008, she was in a hissing match with her record label, which wouldn’t release any of her new music. And she wasn’t shy about expressing her considerable displeasure with the record label to a reporter.
This time around, though, some of those differences appeared to have been resolved and Ms. Messina was tickled to be getting some new music to her fans.
This is like a horrible, never-ending deja vu nightmare.
In both interviews I’ve done with her, I have found her to be brutally honest with her answers and her relationship — or lack of one — with her record company.
Jo Dee can be aptly described as “feisty.” And she’s got a wonderfully feisty laugh on the other end of the telephone.
I don't want to know what Morsch was doing on his end of the telephone.
Joziah Longo — The frontman for the band Gandalf Murphy and the Slambovian Circus of Dreams, Longo is one interesting character. And that’s one great name for a band.
The story of how he came up with that name of the band is interesting enough, as I detailed in the story at the time, but add it to what he described as the “trippiness” of his music, and it was clear to see why the band has been described as “hillbilly Pink Floyd.”
One minor quibble - what makes these the "top" interviews of the year? I was expecting some kind of raking system, or a bit of explanation at the very least.
I was at the band’s show at the Sellersville Theater at the beginning of May, and the Slambovians delivered the goods.
Marilyn Hanold — A special guest at this year’s Three Stooges Fan Club convention in Fort Washington, Hanold was in the 1957 Stooges film “Space Ship Sappy” with the boys.
My God - if we can get a "spilling mustard" joke and a Hall and Oates reference in here, we really WILL have a "top Morsch cliches" article.
But also on her resume: She was Playboy’s Playmate of the Month in June 1959; she starred in the 1965 cult classic “Frankenstein Meets the Spacemonster,” which some critics have called the worst movie ever made; she appeared in a two-part episode as Liberace’s henchwoman in the campy television series “Batman” in 1966, which became the show’s highest-rated episode during its run; and she dated Elvis Presley in the 1950s.
She said Elvis got a huge kick about the fact that she had appeared in a Three Stooges short film. How could I not want to talk to somebody with that background? At seventysomething years of age, she’s still a head-turner.
Lusting after a 70-something-year-old woman - the Blonde Accountant must have headaches an awful lot, huh?
Kathy Mattea — The best interviews are the ones that end up being conversations, like two people sitting at a kitchen table chatting about life. Of course, when it comes to talking with a reporter, the interview subject will determine just how much of a kitchen table chat that will be.
What? I will pay $5 for someone to tell me what the hell that paragraph means.
Ms. Mattea — one of country music’s big females stars — is down to earth and easy to talk to, intelligent and articulate. Her stage presence and easiness with the crowd seemed perfectly suited for a venue like the Sellersville Theater.
And she spent a lot of time greeting fans after the show, which always impresses me.
No freakin' kidding. He mentions that in every article. IT'S WHAT THEY DO. Get over it. It's like being impressed when a politician shakes your hand. And that's the second Sellersville Theater reference we've had.
Mary Chapin Carpenter — Sticking with the intelligent and articulate conversation theme, Ms. Carpenter was much the same as Ms. Mattea, an easy telephone conversation, although I did botch her name a bit and she called me on it.
I referred to her as “Mary” in my greeting to her, which she promptly corrected. “My first name is Mary Chapin,” she said.
So she's a total bitch, is that what you're saying?
She was back on tour for the first time since recovering from a health scare that nearly took her life a few years ago, and was happy to be back on the road.
Unfortunately, I didn’t get a chance to see her August performance at the Keswick Theater in Glenside.
Any day that Morsch actually misses a local concert is one worth noting.
Ashley Gbemudu — The Wyndmoor teen, a recent graduate of Springfield Township High School, was selected to win the “Young Heroes Award” from the National Liberty Museum for being an outstanding role model in her school and community.
Ashley wants to get an undergraduate degree in nursing from Drexel University and then attend medical school, with the ultimate goal of being a pediatric oncologist.
It’s wonderful to talk with talented and ambitious young people who are recognized for their hard work.
I hope Morsch advised her to take time to greet her fans - truly the hallmark of any great person.
Paul Thorn — Not that it was a bad interview, but there was nothing unusual or special about my talk with Americana singer-songwriter Thorn. He did, however, provide what I thought was the greatest stage exit at the end of his show at the Sellersville Theater in August.
I'm thinking Morsch should re-name his column "Outta Sellersville Theater." It would more accurately reflect what he writes about.
Certainly, it was one of those moments where one had to be there to appreciate it. And the emotion and feeling loses something when put into words.
But during the encore song “That’s Life,” Thorn exited off the front of the stage while the band continued to play, hugging and shaking hands with the fans. He continued that through the crowd, up the aisle and into the lobby of the theater, where he stayed to greet fans.
It was the coolest stage exit I had ever seen.
This literally made me laugh. THAT was the coolest stage exit? The guy walked through the crowd and stood in the lobby?
Esai Morales — The popular actor — known for his roles in the 1987 film “La Bamba” as Ritchie Valens’ brother and as Lt. Tony Rodriguez from 2001-2004 on the acclaimed ABC series “NYPD Blue” — was at Penn State Abington in September as part of Hispanic Heritage Month.
As the time, he was on baby watch as he was expecting the birth of his first child at any moment back in Los Angeles. We talked a lot about impending fatherhood, and it was fun to listen to a first-time dad-to-be talk about the range of emotions he was feeling.
"The popular actor" - I'd never heard of this guy before.
Morales charmed the Penn State students and staff, and the baby didn’t arrive until he got back to Los Angeles.
Pete Rose — No matter what opinion one has of Rose as a person or if he belongs in the Major League Baseball Hall of Fame, there’s no denying he is a legend. And how many legends does one get to talk to?
I talked to "The Living Legend" Bruno Sammartino once. So I've got Morsch tied.
Rose was in Philly in October for the premiere of a new documentary on his playing days. The Hall of Fame debate will always be a part of every story on Pete, and he didn’t dodge those questions.
In one 20-minute conversation though, it occurred to me that although Pete likes to talk, he sometimes has trouble articulating his thoughts.
After reading more than a year of your column, sir, I'd direct you to the old proverb about living in a glass house. How dare this stooge accuse someone of not being able to express himself?!?
For example, he told a story about the impact he had on the Phillies 1980 championship team. The story centered on respect the players had for him — coming from those great Cincinnati Reds teams of the mid-1970s — and for each other in the clubhouse and on the field.
Given the context of the conversion and its tone, it could have sounded to some like Pete was actually being arrogant — a claim made often about Pete — and disrespectful to teammates like Greg Luzinski, Bob Boone and Larry Bowa.
I don't think "has trouble articulating" and "being arrogant" are the same thing.
That wasn’t the case at all. It’s just that he had trouble articulating those thoughts in their proper context. Consequently, I had trouble translating the story into the proper context for readers, so I was unable to effectively use the anecdote in my story.
Shut. Up. How many interviews has Pete Rose done? And not just with mediocre local reporters, but big-time national guys? Thousands? Is Morsch really prepared to say that the failure to put "thoughts in their proper context" was Rose's and not his own? What a colossal douche.
A Pittsburgh Pirates fan as a kid, I wasn’t too fond of Pete because he played for the Cincinnati Reds, and the two teams had a pretty good rivalry in the 1970s.
But I shared with him that I still have all my Pete Rose baseball cards from that era, including seven Rose cards from the 1971 set, the year the Pirates won the World Series.
I'm sure nobody has ever told Pete Rose that they actually own one of his baseball cards. And I'm sure Morsch has never told US that he liked the Pirates as a kid. Now, of course, he likes the Phillies. Front-runner.
Terri Clark — The country singer was still emotional about losing her mother to cancer in April when she brought her “Unplugged and Alone” tour to the Sellersville Theater in October. As I had lost my dad to cancer in 2006, we talked at length about those feelings.
Yet ANOTHER Sellersville interview makes the "top" list! Is anyone surprised?
The Sellersville show was filled with Clark’s emotion and she offered those attending an up-close look at those feelings. It made for a highly personal show between artist and audience, something you don’t see very often from the cheap seats.
No new material here. Didn't Morsch promise some kind of interesting new tidbits?
Bill Leahy — The La Salle High School lacrosse coach was inducted into the Montgomery County Coaches Hall of Fame in November.
I never played lacrosse and have only seen one lacrosse match in my life. When I went to the school to interview him for the story, the guy made such a good impression on me that I immediately wanted to pick up a stick, go back to high school, and play on his team, which might have been challenging because the stick I would have picked up would have been a baseball bat.
That is not funny and makes no sense.
I don’t think baseball bats are allowed during lacrosse games, but coach Leahy probably would have figured out a way for me to make it work.
He’s just that good of a coach. But he appears to be an even better human being. And what more can we ask out of those we entrust with our most precious commodity — our children?
The end. Seriously. Not even a little wrap-up paragraph. Other than being the perfect showcase for how lame, repetitive and clueless Morsch's columns are, what's the point of this column? It's not a "top ten." It's not even a "behind the scenes." It's more like a "I don't have a topic and the column is due tomorrow."
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
Summaries Are Not Funny
Not-so-classic Christmas songs short on cheer, big on yuks
Published: Tuesday, December 07, 2010
By Mike Morsch
Executive Editor
Stop saying "yuks." And "nyuks." Neither is particularly clever.
We all have our favorite Christmas songs. I like “Deck the Halls” because the words are easy to remember — every other line is “Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la.” Even a bad singer like me — I make Barney Fife sound like Pavarotti — can fake the fa-la-la-la-las.
Hey, he's a bad singer, too! Who would have thought?
Another favorite is “Holly Jolly Christmas” by Burl Ives, a fellow Illinois native, folk singer and actor who everyone knows as the voice of Sam the Snowman, the narrator in the TV classic “Rudolph, the Red-Nosed Reindeer.” (I’ve always loved how the snowman character was created to resemble the real-life Ives, including mustache and goatee).
File that little aside under "pathetically common knowledge."
And “All I Want for Christmas Is You,” by Vince Vance and the Valiants, as sung by Lisa Layne, always puts me in the holiday mood. Vince Vance isn’t from Illinois, but he does have one of the coolest haircuts in show business history, if one subscribes to the Don King School of Hairstyling philosophy.
But among all the classics we hear this time of year, there are a few that, well . . . aren’t so classic. Some of them are just downright silly, which admittedly can be appealing after six or seven eggnogs.
It's painful enough seeing Morsch try to be funny. How much more painful will it be to see him try and describe something he finds funny?
Songs like “Yellow Snow,” “I Yust Go Nuts at Christmas” and “Percy, The Puny Poinsettia” have a bit of a sideways slant on the holiday season. You can check them out on YouTube to see if they are appropriate for the office party.
"Yellow Snow"... how typical that this involves a pee joke. [Editor's note: Multiple pee jokes, actually.]
A portion of the lyrics of “Yellow Snow” — sung to the tune of “Let It Snow” — go like this (feel free to sing along):
It's "A portion of the lyrics GOES," not "go." He puts virtually the entire song here, which I cut to keep things at a reasonable length.
What wonderful holiday sentiments, huh? Nothing promotes holiday cheer quite like taking a classic Christmas song and changing the words to include the dog’s business. You will want to make sure you have one of those hard, scratchy doormats out in front of your house to give Santa ample opportunity to clean off his shoes before he delivers gifts to your house.
I thought he found this song amusing. Why is he busting on it?
Fortunately, “I Yust Go Nuts at Christmas” doesn’t have anything to do with negotiating the dog’s front-yard obstacle course. It’s sung by Yogi Yorgesson, the Scandinavian Swami (real name Harry Stewart). It’s a fun song sung by a guy with a great stage name. Some of the lyrics include:
Yet again, he feels the need to include a lengthy section of the song, courtesy of the apparently legendary Mr. Yorgesson. One thing I note - the song contains the word "knucklehead," a Morsch favorite.
Working yust, yolly and yerk — as well as other “Y” words throughout the rest of the song — tickles me.
Truly, the creativity it takes to put "Y" at the beginning of various words surpasses even Morsch's formidable comedic skills.
And I applaud the fact that a Christmas song includes the word “knucklehead.” It would be a perfect holiday song for the Swedish Chef character from the Muppets to sing to The Three Stooges.
Way to work in a Three Stooges reference. That's something we've never seen before.
As for “Percy, The Puny Poinsettia,” it starts out as a bit of a sad and pathetic Christmas tale:
More lyrics here. None of these sound particularly amusing in print.
Well, that certainly is sad. As the song progresses, though, Percy is saved by a poor little girl, who takes him home and sets him beside the Christmas tree, where he is “as proud as a flower can be.” It’s not a particularly cheerful holiday song, but it does have a happy ending, a kind of a Charlie-Brown’s-sorry-Christmas-tree feel.
I agree! That's why "Percy, The Puny Poinsettia" is such a perrenial Christmas favorite. Radio stations practically play it to death, don't they?
So if you ever get tired of listening to the old standards, give a listen to some of these more obscure titles. At the very least, the creative songwriting ought to be good for a giggle or two.
Just like the creative writing contained in this column! Right? ... Right? (Crickets)
The only shortcomings these offbeat Christmas songs have is that there don’t seem to be any “Fa la-la-la-la, la-la la-la” lines, which is probably just as well. Why, my high-pitched warbling will only annoy the dogs to the point that they’ll create more yellow snow.
You heard it hear first, folks - Morsch's singing is so bad that it makes dogs lose control of their bladders. Question: does a summary of three purportedly amusing Christmas songs count as humor? Maybe if you toss a few pee jokes in it does.
Published: Tuesday, December 07, 2010
By Mike Morsch
Executive Editor
Stop saying "yuks." And "nyuks." Neither is particularly clever.
We all have our favorite Christmas songs. I like “Deck the Halls” because the words are easy to remember — every other line is “Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la.” Even a bad singer like me — I make Barney Fife sound like Pavarotti — can fake the fa-la-la-la-las.
Hey, he's a bad singer, too! Who would have thought?
Another favorite is “Holly Jolly Christmas” by Burl Ives, a fellow Illinois native, folk singer and actor who everyone knows as the voice of Sam the Snowman, the narrator in the TV classic “Rudolph, the Red-Nosed Reindeer.” (I’ve always loved how the snowman character was created to resemble the real-life Ives, including mustache and goatee).
File that little aside under "pathetically common knowledge."
And “All I Want for Christmas Is You,” by Vince Vance and the Valiants, as sung by Lisa Layne, always puts me in the holiday mood. Vince Vance isn’t from Illinois, but he does have one of the coolest haircuts in show business history, if one subscribes to the Don King School of Hairstyling philosophy.
But among all the classics we hear this time of year, there are a few that, well . . . aren’t so classic. Some of them are just downright silly, which admittedly can be appealing after six or seven eggnogs.
It's painful enough seeing Morsch try to be funny. How much more painful will it be to see him try and describe something he finds funny?
Songs like “Yellow Snow,” “I Yust Go Nuts at Christmas” and “Percy, The Puny Poinsettia” have a bit of a sideways slant on the holiday season. You can check them out on YouTube to see if they are appropriate for the office party.
"Yellow Snow"... how typical that this involves a pee joke. [Editor's note: Multiple pee jokes, actually.]
A portion of the lyrics of “Yellow Snow” — sung to the tune of “Let It Snow” — go like this (feel free to sing along):
It's "A portion of the lyrics GOES," not "go." He puts virtually the entire song here, which I cut to keep things at a reasonable length.
What wonderful holiday sentiments, huh? Nothing promotes holiday cheer quite like taking a classic Christmas song and changing the words to include the dog’s business. You will want to make sure you have one of those hard, scratchy doormats out in front of your house to give Santa ample opportunity to clean off his shoes before he delivers gifts to your house.
I thought he found this song amusing. Why is he busting on it?
Fortunately, “I Yust Go Nuts at Christmas” doesn’t have anything to do with negotiating the dog’s front-yard obstacle course. It’s sung by Yogi Yorgesson, the Scandinavian Swami (real name Harry Stewart). It’s a fun song sung by a guy with a great stage name. Some of the lyrics include:
Yet again, he feels the need to include a lengthy section of the song, courtesy of the apparently legendary Mr. Yorgesson. One thing I note - the song contains the word "knucklehead," a Morsch favorite.
Working yust, yolly and yerk — as well as other “Y” words throughout the rest of the song — tickles me.
Truly, the creativity it takes to put "Y" at the beginning of various words surpasses even Morsch's formidable comedic skills.
And I applaud the fact that a Christmas song includes the word “knucklehead.” It would be a perfect holiday song for the Swedish Chef character from the Muppets to sing to The Three Stooges.
Way to work in a Three Stooges reference. That's something we've never seen before.
As for “Percy, The Puny Poinsettia,” it starts out as a bit of a sad and pathetic Christmas tale:
More lyrics here. None of these sound particularly amusing in print.
Well, that certainly is sad. As the song progresses, though, Percy is saved by a poor little girl, who takes him home and sets him beside the Christmas tree, where he is “as proud as a flower can be.” It’s not a particularly cheerful holiday song, but it does have a happy ending, a kind of a Charlie-Brown’s-sorry-Christmas-tree feel.
I agree! That's why "Percy, The Puny Poinsettia" is such a perrenial Christmas favorite. Radio stations practically play it to death, don't they?
So if you ever get tired of listening to the old standards, give a listen to some of these more obscure titles. At the very least, the creative songwriting ought to be good for a giggle or two.
Just like the creative writing contained in this column! Right? ... Right? (Crickets)
The only shortcomings these offbeat Christmas songs have is that there don’t seem to be any “Fa la-la-la-la, la-la la-la” lines, which is probably just as well. Why, my high-pitched warbling will only annoy the dogs to the point that they’ll create more yellow snow.
You heard it hear first, folks - Morsch's singing is so bad that it makes dogs lose control of their bladders. Question: does a summary of three purportedly amusing Christmas songs count as humor? Maybe if you toss a few pee jokes in it does.
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
Morsch Steals from Himself
Well, Morsch hasn't posted anything since August 5th - time for another trip down the cracked and crumbling facade that is Morsch's memory lane. Delving into the August 2009 Outta Leftfield archives, I stumbled upon this... suspiciously familiar article...
Friday, August 7, 2009
Nyuking it up at Ambler Theater
The title of Morsch's 2010 article: "Big nyuks on the big screen." It's almost frightening to see how little his art has advanced in a year.
Decades and generations later, funny is still funny.
Decades and generations later, this will still NOT be funny.
Take The Three Stooges, for example, which a full house of fans of all ages did recently at the Ambler Theater.
For the fifth year, The Three Stooges Fan Club and its president, Gary Lassin of Gwynedd Valley, hosted a Stooges film festival at the theater.
From the 2010 article: Thanks to the Ambler Theater and Gary Lassin, president of The Three Stooges Fan Club... that’s been an annual opportunity for local fans over the past several years. And as I noted at the time, Morsch has been to this event numerous times, and apparently written this exact same article numerous times as well.
Gary had told me in an interview to preview the event that when the Stooges filmed these “shorts” — named so because they ran from 16 to 18 minutes long as opposed to full-length feature films from the 1930s and 1940s — they were intended to be seen on the big screen rather than on television, because, well, there was no television at the time.
I do notice one difference between these articles: the 2010 version is much shorter. It's like Morsch has lost enthusiasm for even his trademark "informative lectures with information stolen from Wikipedia."
Television would later introduce the Stooges to another generation of fans in the 1960s and 1970s, when the short films were deemed perfect small-screen vehicles. The end result is that few baby-boomers and those younger have experienced the Stooges as they were intended to be seen — on the big screen.
From the 2010 article: There’s really nothing quite like seeing The Three Stooges as they were originally meant to be seen: on the big screen. Good God. Do you think Morsch is even consciously recycling his material here? Or is he just such a poor writer that he doesn't realize he's producing the same crap year in and year out?
So hats off to the Ambler Theater for providing local Stooges fans the opportunity to do just that.
Ooh, shades of his atrocious "evening out in Ambler" article! Will he rave about other local venues in this one as well? No, no, not when the Stooges are involved, surely.
Gary had suggested that it was a different experience to watch the Stooges with a theater full of people than it was to sit at home and nyuk it up by oneself while watching the Stooges on TV.
From the 2010 article: I’ve been to this event in the past, and the most enjoyable part for me is viewing the Stooges with an audience... it’s even more entertaining to have the real-life laugh track courtesy of a theater full of people to heighten the Stooges experience. How dare he. What awards has this column won again? A dog eats its own vomit and barfs it up again - Morsch is doing the literary equivalent here.
And he was right. The antics of the Stooges cracked up the crowd — and me, of course — especially that tried and true Stooges routine — the pie fight. People in the theater were not just giggling, but hooting, har-dee-har-har belly laughing.
That's too many dashes for one sentence. A colon would work just as well for the last one. I also find it hard to believe that people would be laughing out loud at a pie fight.
Despite having seen them many times over the years,
No kidding.
I enjoyed the five films that were shown — interspersed with comments from Gary about the history of each film and some things to watch for, like bloopers — but there was an exchange before the show started that I enjoyed even more.
We have two options here. 1.) A special guest star, like a Stooge impersonator. 2.) Something that is supposed to be funny but really isn't.
While I was sitting in the first row chatting with Gary beforehand, Gary’s parents walked down to the stage to greet him.
Looks like we're going with Option 2.
When I asked Mrs. Lassin if she was a fan before her son got heavily involved with the Stooges — Gary also is owner and curator of the Stoogeum, a museum of his personal collection of Stooges memorabilia in Springhouse — she replied, “Oh my, no.”
2010 article: Gary Lassin... curator of the fabulous Stoogeum museum in Spring House....
“She was one of the moms that didn’t mind the eye pokes on TV but insisted I didn’t run with scissors,” said Gary.
“I didn’t care what they did to each other,” replied Mrs. Lassin without missing a beat. “I cared about what happened to you.”
This doesn't even make sense. Of all the reasons for being upset when your son becomes obsessed with the Stooges, why pick "He might get hurt"? How about "He might become a social reject" or "He might one day be featured in a story by Michael Morsch"?
Soitenly spoken like a true mom.
Aaaaand BOOM. The payoff.
Labels: Ambler Theater, Mike Morsch, Montgomery Newspapers, Outta Leftfield, Stoogeum, Three Stooges
Not "The" Three Stooges - just Three Stooges.
Friday, August 7, 2009
Nyuking it up at Ambler Theater
The title of Morsch's 2010 article: "Big nyuks on the big screen." It's almost frightening to see how little his art has advanced in a year.
Decades and generations later, funny is still funny.
Decades and generations later, this will still NOT be funny.
Take The Three Stooges, for example, which a full house of fans of all ages did recently at the Ambler Theater.
For the fifth year, The Three Stooges Fan Club and its president, Gary Lassin of Gwynedd Valley, hosted a Stooges film festival at the theater.
From the 2010 article: Thanks to the Ambler Theater and Gary Lassin, president of The Three Stooges Fan Club... that’s been an annual opportunity for local fans over the past several years. And as I noted at the time, Morsch has been to this event numerous times, and apparently written this exact same article numerous times as well.
Gary had told me in an interview to preview the event that when the Stooges filmed these “shorts” — named so because they ran from 16 to 18 minutes long as opposed to full-length feature films from the 1930s and 1940s — they were intended to be seen on the big screen rather than on television, because, well, there was no television at the time.
I do notice one difference between these articles: the 2010 version is much shorter. It's like Morsch has lost enthusiasm for even his trademark "informative lectures with information stolen from Wikipedia."
Television would later introduce the Stooges to another generation of fans in the 1960s and 1970s, when the short films were deemed perfect small-screen vehicles. The end result is that few baby-boomers and those younger have experienced the Stooges as they were intended to be seen — on the big screen.
From the 2010 article: There’s really nothing quite like seeing The Three Stooges as they were originally meant to be seen: on the big screen. Good God. Do you think Morsch is even consciously recycling his material here? Or is he just such a poor writer that he doesn't realize he's producing the same crap year in and year out?
So hats off to the Ambler Theater for providing local Stooges fans the opportunity to do just that.
Ooh, shades of his atrocious "evening out in Ambler" article! Will he rave about other local venues in this one as well? No, no, not when the Stooges are involved, surely.
Gary had suggested that it was a different experience to watch the Stooges with a theater full of people than it was to sit at home and nyuk it up by oneself while watching the Stooges on TV.
From the 2010 article: I’ve been to this event in the past, and the most enjoyable part for me is viewing the Stooges with an audience... it’s even more entertaining to have the real-life laugh track courtesy of a theater full of people to heighten the Stooges experience. How dare he. What awards has this column won again? A dog eats its own vomit and barfs it up again - Morsch is doing the literary equivalent here.
And he was right. The antics of the Stooges cracked up the crowd — and me, of course — especially that tried and true Stooges routine — the pie fight. People in the theater were not just giggling, but hooting, har-dee-har-har belly laughing.
That's too many dashes for one sentence. A colon would work just as well for the last one. I also find it hard to believe that people would be laughing out loud at a pie fight.
Despite having seen them many times over the years,
No kidding.
I enjoyed the five films that were shown — interspersed with comments from Gary about the history of each film and some things to watch for, like bloopers — but there was an exchange before the show started that I enjoyed even more.
We have two options here. 1.) A special guest star, like a Stooge impersonator. 2.) Something that is supposed to be funny but really isn't.
While I was sitting in the first row chatting with Gary beforehand, Gary’s parents walked down to the stage to greet him.
Looks like we're going with Option 2.
When I asked Mrs. Lassin if she was a fan before her son got heavily involved with the Stooges — Gary also is owner and curator of the Stoogeum, a museum of his personal collection of Stooges memorabilia in Springhouse — she replied, “Oh my, no.”
2010 article: Gary Lassin... curator of the fabulous Stoogeum museum in Spring House....
“She was one of the moms that didn’t mind the eye pokes on TV but insisted I didn’t run with scissors,” said Gary.
“I didn’t care what they did to each other,” replied Mrs. Lassin without missing a beat. “I cared about what happened to you.”
This doesn't even make sense. Of all the reasons for being upset when your son becomes obsessed with the Stooges, why pick "He might get hurt"? How about "He might become a social reject" or "He might one day be featured in a story by Michael Morsch"?
Soitenly spoken like a true mom.
Aaaaand BOOM. The payoff.
Labels: Ambler Theater, Mike Morsch, Montgomery Newspapers, Outta Leftfield, Stoogeum, Three Stooges
Not "The" Three Stooges - just Three Stooges.
Monday, August 9, 2010
Two Favorite Topics
Thursday, August 5, 2010
Big nyuks on the big screen
NO. No, I simply refuse to believe this. Can this man really, honestly, be dragging yet another post from the cold, dead hands of the Three Stooges? As soon as this post is done, I'm going back and labeling his Stooge posts - the only thing that seemingly comes close to this topic in Morsch's affection is baseball.
There’s really nothing quite like seeing The Three Stooges as they were originally meant to be seen: on the big screen.
Ugh. Hasn't he seen them like 100 times at the Ambler Theater? How can there be any novelty left in this?
Thanks to the Ambler Theater and Gary Lassin, president of The Three Stooges Fan Club and curator of the fabulous Stoogeum museum in Spring House, that’s been an annual opportunity for local fans over the past several years.
I know this man far, far too well. This is at least the second time he's mentioned the Ambler Theater, and at least the third time he's mentioned the Stoogeum. How boring must this man's life be when his "looks on the lighter side" are confined to concerts he's attended, baseball, and the Three Stooges?
The theater and Lassin hosted the seventh annual Stoogefest with the program titled, “Classic Shorts on the Big Screen,” Wednesday evening in Ambler.
As usual, the place was packed with knuckleheads, knuckleheadettes and little knuckleheads, all nyuk-nyuk-nyukking it up at the antics of the Stooges on the big screen.
After using "knuckleheads," is the best he could do for children really "little knuckleheads"? Reflecting on Morsch's post about tearing up his knees while WALKING, I can now see how such a freak injury is possible - he has never stretched any part of his body, least of all his imagination.
I’ve been to this event in the past, and the most enjoyable part for me is viewing the Stooges with an audience. I grew up watching the boys on television and the only audience in our house was my brother and I. While it’s highly entertaining to watch my brother — and man of few words and guarded emotions — chortle at the Stooges, it’s even more entertaining to have the real-life laugh track courtesy of a theater full of people to heighten the Stooges experience.
Translation: this event was so devoid of interest that the only thing Morsch can say to recommend it was "there were other humans there."
This year’s event included an appearance by Moe impersonator Jay Novelli and Curly impersonator Jay Montagna, always entertaining in their interpretations of the comedy legends.
Translation: the impressions by Novelli and Montagna were so lame that the only nice thing Morsch can say about them is "they did impressions."
I couldn’t stay for the whole program this year, but I really appreciate and enjoy having access to all the Stooges history right here in our own back yard.
So to boil down this post (did I miss the "humor" aspect to this one?): Morsch watched the Three Stooges with some other people. There were people doing impressions of Moe and Curly (but, oddly, not Larry or Shemp). And Morsch left halfway through.
Labels: Mike Morsch, Montgomery Newspapers, Outta Leftfield, The Three Stooges
Please also note these Twitter posts:
That was a huge Chooch poop.
7:27 PM Aug 5th via web
I think all subsequent Carlos Ruiz home runs from here on out should be referred as "Chooch Poops." T-shirts to follow.
7:48 PM Aug 5th via web
Yesterday, Nephew of Captain Eggyolk thought it would be amusing to refer to Buddy the Cake Boss as Buddy the "Poop Boss," and suggested that he produced "poop cakes" in his shop. He thought it was funny because he's 3 years old, and I thought it was funny that he was so tickled by the idea.
Michael Morsch, 50-some executive newspaper editor, likes to refer to baseball hits as "poops." The question I must now ask myself is why my nephew was never offered his own blog.
Big nyuks on the big screen
NO. No, I simply refuse to believe this. Can this man really, honestly, be dragging yet another post from the cold, dead hands of the Three Stooges? As soon as this post is done, I'm going back and labeling his Stooge posts - the only thing that seemingly comes close to this topic in Morsch's affection is baseball.
There’s really nothing quite like seeing The Three Stooges as they were originally meant to be seen: on the big screen.
Ugh. Hasn't he seen them like 100 times at the Ambler Theater? How can there be any novelty left in this?
Thanks to the Ambler Theater and Gary Lassin, president of The Three Stooges Fan Club and curator of the fabulous Stoogeum museum in Spring House, that’s been an annual opportunity for local fans over the past several years.
I know this man far, far too well. This is at least the second time he's mentioned the Ambler Theater, and at least the third time he's mentioned the Stoogeum. How boring must this man's life be when his "looks on the lighter side" are confined to concerts he's attended, baseball, and the Three Stooges?
The theater and Lassin hosted the seventh annual Stoogefest with the program titled, “Classic Shorts on the Big Screen,” Wednesday evening in Ambler.
As usual, the place was packed with knuckleheads, knuckleheadettes and little knuckleheads, all nyuk-nyuk-nyukking it up at the antics of the Stooges on the big screen.
After using "knuckleheads," is the best he could do for children really "little knuckleheads"? Reflecting on Morsch's post about tearing up his knees while WALKING, I can now see how such a freak injury is possible - he has never stretched any part of his body, least of all his imagination.
I’ve been to this event in the past, and the most enjoyable part for me is viewing the Stooges with an audience. I grew up watching the boys on television and the only audience in our house was my brother and I. While it’s highly entertaining to watch my brother — and man of few words and guarded emotions — chortle at the Stooges, it’s even more entertaining to have the real-life laugh track courtesy of a theater full of people to heighten the Stooges experience.
Translation: this event was so devoid of interest that the only thing Morsch can say to recommend it was "there were other humans there."
This year’s event included an appearance by Moe impersonator Jay Novelli and Curly impersonator Jay Montagna, always entertaining in their interpretations of the comedy legends.
Translation: the impressions by Novelli and Montagna were so lame that the only nice thing Morsch can say about them is "they did impressions."
I couldn’t stay for the whole program this year, but I really appreciate and enjoy having access to all the Stooges history right here in our own back yard.
So to boil down this post (did I miss the "humor" aspect to this one?): Morsch watched the Three Stooges with some other people. There were people doing impressions of Moe and Curly (but, oddly, not Larry or Shemp). And Morsch left halfway through.
Labels: Mike Morsch, Montgomery Newspapers, Outta Leftfield, The Three Stooges
Please also note these Twitter posts:
That was a huge Chooch poop.
7:27 PM Aug 5th via web
I think all subsequent Carlos Ruiz home runs from here on out should be referred as "Chooch Poops." T-shirts to follow.
7:48 PM Aug 5th via web
Yesterday, Nephew of Captain Eggyolk thought it would be amusing to refer to Buddy the Cake Boss as Buddy the "Poop Boss," and suggested that he produced "poop cakes" in his shop. He thought it was funny because he's 3 years old, and I thought it was funny that he was so tickled by the idea.
Michael Morsch, 50-some executive newspaper editor, likes to refer to baseball hits as "poops." The question I must now ask myself is why my nephew was never offered his own blog.
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
Surprise! Morsch Writes about The Three Stooges
Outta Leftfield: Getting creamed in a pie fight proves irresistible to knuckleheads
Published: Wednesday, May 05, 2010
By Mike Morsch
Executive Editor
A couple bets, without reading another word of this latest travesty: this article will contain at least one Three Stooges reference, and one of the titular knuckleheads will be Morsch himself. Let's see how well I know this guy.
One just doesn’t see a good pie fight anymore. In fact, one doesn’t usually see a pie fight at all, let alone a good one.
Has one ever seen an actual pie fight outside a movie or comedy sketch?
About the only place one can take in a pie fight these days is by watching the old Three Stooges films. Ya gotta admit, those guys really knew how to hurl a dessert (as well as various other fruits and farm implements).
Bingo. As Morsch himself might say, I'm batting .500 so far.
But we pie fight aficionados who live in this area are lucky. We have the Stoogeum — a shrine to everything knuckleheadish — right here in Spring House. In addition, the Fort Washington Holiday Inn has played host to the annual Three Stooges Fan Club convention for several years.
How many articles can you possibly squeeze out of the Three Stooges? A mere mortal might only be able to generate one or two, but Morsch is literally making a living on them.
So if a pie fight was going to break out anywhere, it would be right here in our own backyard.
Which is exactly what happened Sunday at the Stoogeum. Stooges impersonators — Moe (Jay Novelli of Hamilton, N.J.); Larry (Josh Silverman of Fairfax, Va.); and Curly (Jay Montagna of Carneys Point, N.J.) — hit various volunteers right in the mush with about three dozen shaving cream pies.
"Right in the mush"? What part of the human body is known as "the mush"?
At first, I was a little surprised that people would actually volunteer to get creamed with the pies. But as I watched Stooges fan after Stooges fan line up to get whacked with the pies, I found myself wanting to get in on it.
This paragraph makes me sad, somehow. First, it's a bad sign for humanity that there are so many Three Stooges fans still active. Second, I'm not surprised at all that Morsch wants take the inevitable pie to the face, which makes this yet another example of Morsch's dishonesty both with himself and with his audience.
Even more amazing to me was that both young and old women were stepping up to get “the treatment.” Guys are born knuckleheads, and as a guy, I understand the appeal of the pie fight. But women?
Writers are supposed to observe the world around them and avoid cliches. Morsch observes the TV in front of him and eagerly laps up the cliches it spews forth.
What an endearing legacy of tomfoolery.
What, you mean, this column?
Decades after the deaths of the Stooges, there are still fans out there who would willingly take a shaving cream pie in the face from Stooges impersonators … and actually like it.
Oh. It strikes me that this whole "pie fight" concept is a little diluted by the fact that they're "shaving cream pies" instead of apple or custard or something.
I find that hilarious. Do you think Moe, Larry and Curly were sitting around one day back in the 1930s and 1940s thinking up gags for their films and somebody said, “Hey, these pie fights are so great that people who aren’t even born yet will want to get hit in the face with a pie someday.”
No. No, I don't think so. Somehow I don't think Moe, Larry and Curly literally invented the concept of hitting someone with a pie. Did they also develop the eye-poke and the shin-kick?
I’d like to think they were that savvy. They certainly were silly enough to ponder the possibility.
They probably didn't care. They were probably more concerned with cranking out the next cheapy as quickly as possible so they could keep their studio jobs one more year.
The first genuine pie fight the Stooges had on film was in the 1941 short film, “In The Sweet Pie and Pie,” the 58th short subject of the 190 the boys made for Columbia Pictures between 1934 and 1959.
As was common for the Stooges in many of their films, the storyline placed them in a hoity-toity formal situation that got out of hand. And then the pies would fly.
Ah, some classic Useless Morsch Facts, topped off by the redundant use of both "common" and "in many of."
According to Larry Fine: “Sometimes we would run out of pies, so the prop man would sweep up the pie goop off the floor, complete with nails, splinters, and tacks. Another problem was pretending you didn’t know a pie was coming your way. To solve this, Jules [producer/director Jules White] would tell me ‘Now Larry, Moe is going to smack you with a pie on the count of three.’ Then Jules would tell Moe, ‘Hit Larry on the count of two!’ So when it came time to count, I never got to three, because Moe crowned me with a pie!”
These might be some interesting tidbits, but not for the comedy column that this purports to be.
My first thought after reading that description from Larry is, boy I would have liked to been on the set the day of that pie fight. It sounds like so much fun, which may explain why people wanted to engage in the shenanigans Sunday at the Stoogeum.
Really? You want to get hit in the face with used pie goop filled with nails, splinters and tacks? Really? And have it hit you when you're unprepared? Really, Morsch? I think Mr. Fine's story was to illustrate how these crazy-looking pie fights weren't all sunshine and farts. But of course, through his nostalgia-tinted glasses, MM completely misses the point.
Alas, I was in reporter mode and not knucklehead mode (OK, you wise guys, so maybe there is no difference there) and I did not participate in the pie fight, as much as I would have liked to. But plenty of people did, and it looked like a tremendous amount of fun (check out our online video of the weekend Stooges events).
That's actually a bit surprising. After all, what was Morsch really "reporting" on? It's not like whatever crappy article on the Stoogeum he churns out is going to be Pulitzer Prize material. Also, does this count as Morsch identifying himself as a knucklehead? Can I claim I went 2 for 2 on my predictions?
I called The Blonde Accountant on the way home.
“I could have used your help today. There was a pie fight at the Stoogeum and you could have taken pictures and videos while I got whacked with a pie,” I said.
“Uh … Ok … I guess,” she responded.
Question: is there really a "Blonde Accountant"? And if so, does he really have conversations with her? Because every interaction they have is horribly stilted and full of Morsch-esque comedy. Almost as though he made it up...
She apparently doesn’t appreciate just how funny a pie fight can be. I will work on enlightening her and, of course, you’ll need to wish me luck in that regard. She is not exactly a pie fight kind of wife.
If it happens again at next year’s convention, I’m in. For me, it will be easy as pie.
So at next year's convention, you won't be in reporter mode? How will next year be different than this year?
And I cannot believe he used "easy as pie." I mean, I can believe it. This is Mike Morsch. But I can't believe that someone writing a humor column about pie can use the phrase "easy as pie" and actually think it's a funny way to end the article.
I'm sure that somewhere in America, an actually funny person is sitting there, unpublished and unknown, with columns and ideas that are ten times funnier than anything Morsch has ever dreamed. Does that seem right to you?
Published: Wednesday, May 05, 2010
By Mike Morsch
Executive Editor
A couple bets, without reading another word of this latest travesty: this article will contain at least one Three Stooges reference, and one of the titular knuckleheads will be Morsch himself. Let's see how well I know this guy.
One just doesn’t see a good pie fight anymore. In fact, one doesn’t usually see a pie fight at all, let alone a good one.
Has one ever seen an actual pie fight outside a movie or comedy sketch?
About the only place one can take in a pie fight these days is by watching the old Three Stooges films. Ya gotta admit, those guys really knew how to hurl a dessert (as well as various other fruits and farm implements).
Bingo. As Morsch himself might say, I'm batting .500 so far.
But we pie fight aficionados who live in this area are lucky. We have the Stoogeum — a shrine to everything knuckleheadish — right here in Spring House. In addition, the Fort Washington Holiday Inn has played host to the annual Three Stooges Fan Club convention for several years.
How many articles can you possibly squeeze out of the Three Stooges? A mere mortal might only be able to generate one or two, but Morsch is literally making a living on them.
So if a pie fight was going to break out anywhere, it would be right here in our own backyard.
Which is exactly what happened Sunday at the Stoogeum. Stooges impersonators — Moe (Jay Novelli of Hamilton, N.J.); Larry (Josh Silverman of Fairfax, Va.); and Curly (Jay Montagna of Carneys Point, N.J.) — hit various volunteers right in the mush with about three dozen shaving cream pies.
"Right in the mush"? What part of the human body is known as "the mush"?
At first, I was a little surprised that people would actually volunteer to get creamed with the pies. But as I watched Stooges fan after Stooges fan line up to get whacked with the pies, I found myself wanting to get in on it.
This paragraph makes me sad, somehow. First, it's a bad sign for humanity that there are so many Three Stooges fans still active. Second, I'm not surprised at all that Morsch wants take the inevitable pie to the face, which makes this yet another example of Morsch's dishonesty both with himself and with his audience.
Even more amazing to me was that both young and old women were stepping up to get “the treatment.” Guys are born knuckleheads, and as a guy, I understand the appeal of the pie fight. But women?
Writers are supposed to observe the world around them and avoid cliches. Morsch observes the TV in front of him and eagerly laps up the cliches it spews forth.
What an endearing legacy of tomfoolery.
What, you mean, this column?
Decades after the deaths of the Stooges, there are still fans out there who would willingly take a shaving cream pie in the face from Stooges impersonators … and actually like it.
Oh. It strikes me that this whole "pie fight" concept is a little diluted by the fact that they're "shaving cream pies" instead of apple or custard or something.
I find that hilarious. Do you think Moe, Larry and Curly were sitting around one day back in the 1930s and 1940s thinking up gags for their films and somebody said, “Hey, these pie fights are so great that people who aren’t even born yet will want to get hit in the face with a pie someday.”
No. No, I don't think so. Somehow I don't think Moe, Larry and Curly literally invented the concept of hitting someone with a pie. Did they also develop the eye-poke and the shin-kick?
I’d like to think they were that savvy. They certainly were silly enough to ponder the possibility.
They probably didn't care. They were probably more concerned with cranking out the next cheapy as quickly as possible so they could keep their studio jobs one more year.
The first genuine pie fight the Stooges had on film was in the 1941 short film, “In The Sweet Pie and Pie,” the 58th short subject of the 190 the boys made for Columbia Pictures between 1934 and 1959.
As was common for the Stooges in many of their films, the storyline placed them in a hoity-toity formal situation that got out of hand. And then the pies would fly.
Ah, some classic Useless Morsch Facts, topped off by the redundant use of both "common" and "in many of."
According to Larry Fine: “Sometimes we would run out of pies, so the prop man would sweep up the pie goop off the floor, complete with nails, splinters, and tacks. Another problem was pretending you didn’t know a pie was coming your way. To solve this, Jules [producer/director Jules White] would tell me ‘Now Larry, Moe is going to smack you with a pie on the count of three.’ Then Jules would tell Moe, ‘Hit Larry on the count of two!’ So when it came time to count, I never got to three, because Moe crowned me with a pie!”
These might be some interesting tidbits, but not for the comedy column that this purports to be.
My first thought after reading that description from Larry is, boy I would have liked to been on the set the day of that pie fight. It sounds like so much fun, which may explain why people wanted to engage in the shenanigans Sunday at the Stoogeum.
Really? You want to get hit in the face with used pie goop filled with nails, splinters and tacks? Really? And have it hit you when you're unprepared? Really, Morsch? I think Mr. Fine's story was to illustrate how these crazy-looking pie fights weren't all sunshine and farts. But of course, through his nostalgia-tinted glasses, MM completely misses the point.
Alas, I was in reporter mode and not knucklehead mode (OK, you wise guys, so maybe there is no difference there) and I did not participate in the pie fight, as much as I would have liked to. But plenty of people did, and it looked like a tremendous amount of fun (check out our online video of the weekend Stooges events).
That's actually a bit surprising. After all, what was Morsch really "reporting" on? It's not like whatever crappy article on the Stoogeum he churns out is going to be Pulitzer Prize material. Also, does this count as Morsch identifying himself as a knucklehead? Can I claim I went 2 for 2 on my predictions?
I called The Blonde Accountant on the way home.
“I could have used your help today. There was a pie fight at the Stoogeum and you could have taken pictures and videos while I got whacked with a pie,” I said.
“Uh … Ok … I guess,” she responded.
Question: is there really a "Blonde Accountant"? And if so, does he really have conversations with her? Because every interaction they have is horribly stilted and full of Morsch-esque comedy. Almost as though he made it up...
She apparently doesn’t appreciate just how funny a pie fight can be. I will work on enlightening her and, of course, you’ll need to wish me luck in that regard. She is not exactly a pie fight kind of wife.
If it happens again at next year’s convention, I’m in. For me, it will be easy as pie.
So at next year's convention, you won't be in reporter mode? How will next year be different than this year?
And I cannot believe he used "easy as pie." I mean, I can believe it. This is Mike Morsch. But I can't believe that someone writing a humor column about pie can use the phrase "easy as pie" and actually think it's a funny way to end the article.
I'm sure that somewhere in America, an actually funny person is sitting there, unpublished and unknown, with columns and ideas that are ten times funnier than anything Morsch has ever dreamed. Does that seem right to you?
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
Executive Editor Needs A Good Editor
Outta Leftfield
Published: Wednesday, April 21, 2010
By Mike Morsch
Executive Editor
Scientific rat tickling a real tale of mice and men
I had a moment of panic this morning, because this column wasn't published on the Souderton Independent website. I had to do a little searching through Montgomery Newspapers to find it. I have high hopes that this hilarious topic (animal testing - always fertile ground for guffaws) will not produce any reference to baseball.
It appears that rats love to be tickled. Who knew?
Well, the scientists figured it out because among the many things scientists like to study, laughter is among them. Hey, if I had known that goosing rats until they wet themselves was a legitimate scientific endeavor, I would have paid more attention in high school science class rather than snapping the bra strap of the girl who sat in front of me.
Read that again, folks: "because AMONG the many things scientists like to study, laughter is AMONG them." Morsch is AMONG the worst writers in newspaper history. Furthermore, I don't think that "goosing" is the same as tickling.
Times sure have changed, huh? For instance, I can't even laugh at the idea of snapping a girl's bra strap in school. That would get you suspended today, and possibly slapped with a lawsuit. But thankfully old perverts like MM can still chuckle at those sweet, innocent memories of sexual harassment.
According to a wire service story, laughter is a serious scientific subject, so much so that a neuroscientist named Robert Provine, a professor at the University of Maryland, has studied laughter for decades. It impresses me that an educator has spent his life devoted to studying laughter. I hope he’s fun at a party because it would be a bummer if he wasn’t.
Something about the phrase "spent his life devoted to studying" stikes me as odd. Anyone else think so? I think it would be more of a bummer if he spent his life studying comedy and wasn't fun at a party.
“All language groups laugh ‘ha-ha-ha’ basically the same way,” said Provine in the wire service story.
According to the professor, each “ha” is about one-15th of a second, repeated every fifth of a second.
Far be it for me to disagree with a scientist who has spent decades studying laughter,
Please do.
but he hasn’t spent much time with my language group.
Really? I'm pretty sure he has, unless something in the phrase "All language groups" means otherwise.
While there are times where I will throw out a “ha-ha-ha” laugh, more often than not, I am a “har-har-hardy-har-har” kind of guy. And I slap my knee so much that I need knee surgery.
Nobody says "hardy" when they are laughing. I've never heard anyone actually laugh and make the noise "har-har." And according to his article on the flower show, isn't his knee surgery necessitated by walking on hard concrete floors?
In fact, I have been known to giggle, chortle, guffaw and snort when I find something funny, such as when I consider the notion of guys in white lab coats tickling rats. That actually falls into the category of “yukking it up quite a bit.” And my “yuks” last well more than one-15th of a second.
This is what is known as "missing the point."
In fact, when I’m watching The Three Stooges, my “yuks” turn into “nyuks” and those last me most of the afternoon.
Does anyone really watch The Three Stooges these days? The only references to them I can remember come from Morsch, as a matter of fact.
According to Provine, deaf people laugh without hearing, and people on cell phones laugh without seeing, illustrating that laughter isn’t dependent on a single sense but on social interactions. And he adds that laughter is mostly about social responses rather than reaction to a joke.
It’s just that scientists consider laughing primal. No one teaches another person how to laugh, we just do it.
You know when we never do it? While reading your column.
People laugh involuntarily, in a specific rhythm and in certain spots in a conversation.
For example, if you and I are having a conversation and you inadvertently belch, I will probably laugh at that. I have since the fifth grade and I still do to this day.
I don't understand how this man is married. I really don't.
Speaking of the rats, a scientist named Jaak Panksepp, a psychology professor at Bowling Green University, is the dude who is doing all the rat tickling, according to the wire service story.
I'm making a prediction - Morsch will make fun of this guy's name. It's foreign! HA!
Not only can one look up Panksepp’s research on this in a scientific journal, if one goes to YouTube and types in “rat tickling,” one can watch Professor Panksepp grab a rat, roll the varmint over onto its back, and just goochie the poo right out of the animal. It’s pretty funny. The rat reacts much like a dog would when you scratch its belly, although I have yet to see any visual evidence that a rat’s leg will involuntarily go crazy nuts like the dog’s leg does in that scenario. In fact, if you tickled me my leg would do the same thing if I didn’t already need the knee surgery.
First he says that a rat reacts the same as a dog would when you scratch its belly... but then he says that its leg doesn't twitch. So how exactly is their reaction similar?
Panksepp then developed a method of measuring the high-pitched sounds the rats make when they are being tickled and determined they are actually not only enjoying the ticklefest but they are laughing out loud because of it. In fact, the rats like being goochied so much they will follow the professor’s hand around their Rat Town cages looking for the good professor to give them another tickle.
Something about how he's saying "goochied" instead of "tickled" strikes me as really dirty. I'm getting a bad taste in my mouth from it. It smacks of a dirty old man (i.e. Morsch) offering to "goochie" little girls on a playground.
While the researchers consider the study of laughter a serious bit of work, apparently the folks who pass out money for research grants do not share that opinion. In other words, they smell a rat.
Who didn't see that one coming a mile away?
According to Northwestern University biomedical engineering professor Jeffrey Burgdorf, he avoids using the word “laughter” when applying for grant money. He instead calls it “positive emotional response.”
He must be applying for government research grants. When was the last time the U.S. government had a sense a humor about anything (see former Vice President Dick Cheney)?
The U.S. government didn't have a sense of humor about Dick Cheney?
I'm sure Cheney is a pretty funny guy when you get to know him. Remember that "shotgun blast to the face" gag? Priceless!
Professor Panksepp agrees. “There’s no funding in fun research.”
But by studying rats, the researchers hope they can figure out what’s going on in the human brain during laughter.
I already know the answer to this. Inadvertent belching is just plain funny. And that’s something that tickles me more than the rats.
So the answer to "what's going on in the human brain during laughter" is "inadvertent belching is just plan funny." I know what's NOT going on in the human brain during laughter: Outta Leftfield.
I love how clever Morsch thinks he is with his call-backs. Hey, remember the "belching" joke I made a few paragraphs ago? Well BAM! Here it is again! It's like meeting an old friend.
Published: Wednesday, April 21, 2010
By Mike Morsch
Executive Editor
Scientific rat tickling a real tale of mice and men
I had a moment of panic this morning, because this column wasn't published on the Souderton Independent website. I had to do a little searching through Montgomery Newspapers to find it. I have high hopes that this hilarious topic (animal testing - always fertile ground for guffaws) will not produce any reference to baseball.
It appears that rats love to be tickled. Who knew?
Well, the scientists figured it out because among the many things scientists like to study, laughter is among them. Hey, if I had known that goosing rats until they wet themselves was a legitimate scientific endeavor, I would have paid more attention in high school science class rather than snapping the bra strap of the girl who sat in front of me.
Read that again, folks: "because AMONG the many things scientists like to study, laughter is AMONG them." Morsch is AMONG the worst writers in newspaper history. Furthermore, I don't think that "goosing" is the same as tickling.
Times sure have changed, huh? For instance, I can't even laugh at the idea of snapping a girl's bra strap in school. That would get you suspended today, and possibly slapped with a lawsuit. But thankfully old perverts like MM can still chuckle at those sweet, innocent memories of sexual harassment.
According to a wire service story, laughter is a serious scientific subject, so much so that a neuroscientist named Robert Provine, a professor at the University of Maryland, has studied laughter for decades. It impresses me that an educator has spent his life devoted to studying laughter. I hope he’s fun at a party because it would be a bummer if he wasn’t.
Something about the phrase "spent his life devoted to studying" stikes me as odd. Anyone else think so? I think it would be more of a bummer if he spent his life studying comedy and wasn't fun at a party.
“All language groups laugh ‘ha-ha-ha’ basically the same way,” said Provine in the wire service story.
According to the professor, each “ha” is about one-15th of a second, repeated every fifth of a second.
Far be it for me to disagree with a scientist who has spent decades studying laughter,
Please do.
but he hasn’t spent much time with my language group.
Really? I'm pretty sure he has, unless something in the phrase "All language groups" means otherwise.
While there are times where I will throw out a “ha-ha-ha” laugh, more often than not, I am a “har-har-hardy-har-har” kind of guy. And I slap my knee so much that I need knee surgery.
Nobody says "hardy" when they are laughing. I've never heard anyone actually laugh and make the noise "har-har." And according to his article on the flower show, isn't his knee surgery necessitated by walking on hard concrete floors?
In fact, I have been known to giggle, chortle, guffaw and snort when I find something funny, such as when I consider the notion of guys in white lab coats tickling rats. That actually falls into the category of “yukking it up quite a bit.” And my “yuks” last well more than one-15th of a second.
This is what is known as "missing the point."
In fact, when I’m watching The Three Stooges, my “yuks” turn into “nyuks” and those last me most of the afternoon.
Does anyone really watch The Three Stooges these days? The only references to them I can remember come from Morsch, as a matter of fact.
According to Provine, deaf people laugh without hearing, and people on cell phones laugh without seeing, illustrating that laughter isn’t dependent on a single sense but on social interactions. And he adds that laughter is mostly about social responses rather than reaction to a joke.
It’s just that scientists consider laughing primal. No one teaches another person how to laugh, we just do it.
You know when we never do it? While reading your column.
People laugh involuntarily, in a specific rhythm and in certain spots in a conversation.
For example, if you and I are having a conversation and you inadvertently belch, I will probably laugh at that. I have since the fifth grade and I still do to this day.
I don't understand how this man is married. I really don't.
Speaking of the rats, a scientist named Jaak Panksepp, a psychology professor at Bowling Green University, is the dude who is doing all the rat tickling, according to the wire service story.
I'm making a prediction - Morsch will make fun of this guy's name. It's foreign! HA!
Not only can one look up Panksepp’s research on this in a scientific journal, if one goes to YouTube and types in “rat tickling,” one can watch Professor Panksepp grab a rat, roll the varmint over onto its back, and just goochie the poo right out of the animal. It’s pretty funny. The rat reacts much like a dog would when you scratch its belly, although I have yet to see any visual evidence that a rat’s leg will involuntarily go crazy nuts like the dog’s leg does in that scenario. In fact, if you tickled me my leg would do the same thing if I didn’t already need the knee surgery.
First he says that a rat reacts the same as a dog would when you scratch its belly... but then he says that its leg doesn't twitch. So how exactly is their reaction similar?
Panksepp then developed a method of measuring the high-pitched sounds the rats make when they are being tickled and determined they are actually not only enjoying the ticklefest but they are laughing out loud because of it. In fact, the rats like being goochied so much they will follow the professor’s hand around their Rat Town cages looking for the good professor to give them another tickle.
Something about how he's saying "goochied" instead of "tickled" strikes me as really dirty. I'm getting a bad taste in my mouth from it. It smacks of a dirty old man (i.e. Morsch) offering to "goochie" little girls on a playground.
While the researchers consider the study of laughter a serious bit of work, apparently the folks who pass out money for research grants do not share that opinion. In other words, they smell a rat.
Who didn't see that one coming a mile away?
According to Northwestern University biomedical engineering professor Jeffrey Burgdorf, he avoids using the word “laughter” when applying for grant money. He instead calls it “positive emotional response.”
He must be applying for government research grants. When was the last time the U.S. government had a sense a humor about anything (see former Vice President Dick Cheney)?
The U.S. government didn't have a sense of humor about Dick Cheney?
I'm sure Cheney is a pretty funny guy when you get to know him. Remember that "shotgun blast to the face" gag? Priceless!
Professor Panksepp agrees. “There’s no funding in fun research.”
But by studying rats, the researchers hope they can figure out what’s going on in the human brain during laughter.
I already know the answer to this. Inadvertent belching is just plain funny. And that’s something that tickles me more than the rats.
So the answer to "what's going on in the human brain during laughter" is "inadvertent belching is just plan funny." I know what's NOT going on in the human brain during laughter: Outta Leftfield.
I love how clever Morsch thinks he is with his call-backs. Hey, remember the "belching" joke I made a few paragraphs ago? Well BAM! Here it is again! It's like meeting an old friend.
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