Warning: Morsch May be Hazardous to your Health

Outta Leftfield
Published: Wednesday, April 28, 2010
By Mike Morsch
Executive Editor

Grumpiness plus new media ecology equals ‘grumpicology’ column

We are off to an excellent start - we're only through the title and I already have no idea what the heck he's talking about.

There was a time when “being connected” meant that one knew somebody and could get something done in a hurry and without much of a problem.

Is that what "being connected" meant? I thought it meant you were in the Mafia.

Nowadays, “being connected” means having a smartphone, Twitter and Facebook accounts, an iPad, a laptop and several e-mail accounts, not to mention the various other communication devices and methods out there that I’m not quite able to understand at this point.

Phone, Twitter, Facebook, iPad, laptop, email... tell me, Mr. Morsch, what "various other communication devices and methods" are you referring to? I'll wait.

Now tell me honestly: are there really various other devices and methods, or could you just not think of any more and, instead of writing "etc," you took a big verbal dump on us?

(I’m still figuring out how to program my VCR. Wait, you mean to tell me that VCRs are already ancient history?)

Please see my response to his "smartphone" column, in which I stated:

Does Morsch seem oddly contemptuous of this technology? One can only imagine the kind of sass he worked up for the article about his first VCR.

The reality is, I’m pretty easy to reach using any of those tools.

The reality - as opposed to what? Did he ever say that he doesn't have any of those tools? Morsch often uses "however" and "actually" in contexts that make absolutely no sense.

In fact, I’m relatively certain that if you send up a smoke signal, one of these forms of technology will interpret the smoke and get the message to me. (I wonder just how many puffs of smoke it takes to send the message, “Mike, you are a big knucklehead.”)

Ha! "Knucklehead." This guy slays me!

With the emphasis on social networking and a new media ecology emerging, even this column could be used to interact on a different level with readers. Instead of me deciding what it is I want to sound off about every week, you the readers could let me know what it is you would like to read about in this space.

First off, I would like an explanation of what "new media ecology" is. It's in the title, too, but he hasn't yet explained what it means. Second, some suggestions for what I would like to read about:

1.) Humorous observations on life
2.) Hilarious send-ups of pop culture trends
3.) Interesting ideas from a different, intriguing perspective
4.) Not baseball, random movies, or your daughter's school play

Stuck recently for a column idea, I decided to reach out to my Facebook friends for ideas. I am assuming many of you already know what Facebook is, but for those unfamiliar, it’s an online way to locate and stay in touch with people through the social interaction of messages, photos and videos. (One word of caution: old flames and people that you really didn’t like in the first place can and will find you on Facebook.)

So he doesn't bother to explain "new media ecology," a relatively obscure field of theory and study... but he DOES feel the need to explain what Facebook is. Dunce.

So here is what I posted to my Facebook account: “I’ve got a big grump on today and I’m not telling anybody but my wife what it’s about. Feel free to make up your own reason for my grumpiness. The most creative could get a shoutout in a column.”

Um... you haven't had a hot dog in the past 12 hours? Baseball isn't on? You can't think of a way to incorporate beer or toilet paper into your column?

Technically, I did not let the Facebook crowd choose the subject because I offered up the “grumpiness” premise. But the responses were interesting nonetheless.

So Morsch's first foray into "new media ecology" is a grand failure, essentially. "I thought I would put this theory to good use and get ideas. But instead, I used my own lame ideas anyway."

Todd from Springfield, Ill.: “The knob on the back of your head that is pulling your hairline back is a little too tight. Ohhhh snap!”

I don't even understand this.

Of course, the first thing I did was run into the bathroom and look into the two-way mirror to see if there was a knob on the back of my head that was controlling my hairline. I was hoping there was some legitimate reason for this receding hairline over the past several years.

Alas, there was no knob on the back of my head. I would have been extremely disappointed had there been a knob there that had eluded the attention of the barber all these years.

When life gives you a lemon, make lemonade. When Morsch makes a bad joke, he makes it even worse.

Buddah from Springfield, Ill.: “You cramped up halfway up the Rocky Balboa steps workout.” Or, “You figured out you are more cracked than the Liberty Bell.”

Pathetic.

Now Buddah is a comedian,

Somehow I'm not surprised that I've never heard of Buddah the comedian.

at least he plays one in and around Springfield, Ill., and I appreciate his geographical astuteness by working in the local Philadelphia angles. He had another suggestion about the Phillie Phanatic, but it was inappropriate for a family newspaper.

What? "...at least he plays one"? Is this supposed to be a jab back at Buddah? Morsch's jokes are like ninjas - you never even know they're here.

Dan from Philadelphia: “You found out that Chicken of the Sea isn’t really chicken.”

Nice Jessica Simpson reference. By the way Dan - 2002 called, and it wants its joke back.

Man, it took me three days to recover from that realization. Talk about grumpy. Or in this instance, “grumpicology.”

Yes, let's talk about grumpy. It's related to this discussion... how? Oh, you needed a way to work in the "grumpicology" angle, and your only solution was a classic Morsch strategy: saying something like "speaking of" and then introducing a totally unrelated topic.

Speaking of, the phrase "talk about" is one of Troy Aikman's favorite crutch phrases while calling football games, as in:

Randy Moss makes a catch.
Joe Buck: "Calling the play"And here's Randy Moss.
Aikman: You talk about Randy Moss, and how he makes plays...

In its most basic form though, I’ve just created a column with the help of the public,

In this instance, "in its most basic form" means "not at all."

which leads to this: The newspaper that you are reading right now is changing. We are adapting an online-first approach with everything we do. Not only that, but we are inviting you into the process to help decide what it is you want to read about.

This idea is so revolutionary you'd think everybody wasn't already doing it since 2005!

Our parent corporation, Journal Register Company, has selected one of the weekly newspapers here at Montgomery Media — the Perkasie News-Herald — to be one of only two papers across the country to participate in its Ben Franklin Project.

This is rapidly degenerating from "humor column" into "meaningless sales pitch."

This project “is an opportunity to re-imagine the newsgathering process with the focus on the digital first and print last.

Journal Register Company: Desperately clinging to the butt hairs of yesterday's ideas.

"Using only free tools found on the Internet, the project will — from assigning to editing — create, publish and distribute news content on both the Web and in print.” It also opens the process up to you and allows you to participate at whatever level you are comfortable. You can read more about it at http://jrcbenfranklinproject.wordpress.com.

I wish I had a humor column where I could just blather on about boring, humorless topics. Does anyone even care about the product MM is pushing here?

You will learn more about it in the coming weeks. As it unfolds, I encourage you to submit ideas to me for this column. You give me a premise and I’ll see if I can run with it. Be creative, be funny and tell me what you’d like to read. And use any of the aforementioned tools available to get the word to me.

Be creative and funny - you know, unlike anything you've ever read here!

So Chicken of the Sea is not really chicken, huh? How very disappointing. What’s next? Well, as we move forward, you get to play a big role in those decisions.

Unacceptable - "those decisions" is ridiculously vague. Is English this guy's first language? The two ideas above have nothing to do with each other, and yet he moves from one to the other as though he's making an effortlessly smooth transition. I can only hope that the ideas submitted by Morsch's readers are somewhat more coherent.