Morsch Goes for the Record

Outta Leftfield: Left holding the bag … for a good cause

Published: Wednesday, April 07, 2010

Uh-oh... will this column be continuing the recent trend of "I went to a show, it was really fun"-type entries? [Editor's note: No... it's something far, far worse...]

Just once, I wish I was as lucky at the lottery as I am with purses.

Brandywine Assisted Living at Dresher Estates had its annual purse party last week, and my friend Marge Jacoby — the director of community relations for the facility —invited me to attend.

Now given the fact that I am more of a ballpark guy than I am a purse party guy, one would think that this would have been my first purse party invitation. That would be wrong.

I call a foul on this! Unless the event he is attending is a baseball game or a concert, he will inevitably compare said event (i.e. a flower show, a spelling bee, etc) to a baseball game. At this point, I don't think regular readers (i.e. me) need to be reminded that MM likes baseball.

I was invited to the soiree two years ago — a great sense of humor, that Marge — and ended up going by myself and actually winning a Coach purse, which was confiscated immediately by The Blonde Accountant upon my arrival home. That was OK by me because that particular purse didn’t go with any of my shoes, so I really had no use for it anyway.

Credit where credit is due - I actually thought the "didn't match my shoes" part was kinda funny.

In addition, that first purse party featured a three-legged dog named Lucky — a pet of one of the facility’s residents — who hung around the party being, well … three-legged. A three-legged dog doesn’t have to do much more than just hang around to get attention.

Thank goodness! We're back to familiar territory - mocking disabled animals.

So the mere fact that I attended a purse party with a three-legged dog and actually ended up winning a purse is nothing short of comedy gold. I couldn’t make that up, even with substantial help from beer. In hindsight, maybe I should have let the dog pick my lottery numbers.

Actually it's more like comedy pyrite. And hey, we've got another beer reference! Beer: the drink of classy gentlemen everywhere.

It is under that backdrop that I attended the most recent purse party, designed as a fundraiser this year for the Community Ambulance Association, Ambler.

Unlike the first time, though, I was bringing along some heavy hitters in the area of handbags — The Blonde Accountant and Daughter of Blonde Accountant. Neither of them would have the foggiest notion of how to properly spill mustard on themselves at the ballpark. But purses they know. (And shoes, but that goes without saying, I think.)

Hey-oh! Morsch is really kicking it up a notch here. The mustard comment (complete with yet another "ballpark" reference) is a call-back to last week's column about the Phillies hot dogs, and the shoes thing is, I suspect, a reference to the column that was sort of about shoes from a few weeks ago.

Attending a purse party with those who have expertise in that area relegated me back to a familiar role, that of somewhat disconnected and slightly befuddled onlooker. After all, I have been on many shopping excursions and I am a charter member of the Society of Clueless Husbands Looking at Expensive Purses (SCHLEP), so at the very least, I know my role in these types of situations — and that is to be quiet, find a place to sit down and take a nap. Wake me when a ballgame breaks out, will ya?

First off, the word "schlep" should be relegated to the pages of Mad Magazine, along with all the other vaguely Yiddish words like "schmuck" that haven't been used outside of Queens since the summer of '69. And my goodness - a THIRD baseball reference, and a possible call-back to his spelling bee column!

Actually, the purse party was indeed right in the wheelhouse of The Blonde Accountant and Daughter of Blonde Accountant, as I suspected it would be. They both enjoyed perusing the various handbags being raffled and dropping their tickets into the drawings for their favorites. Add a bit of tea and crumpets-type snacks to the festivities and it really was more of purse party than it was a ballgame — to the surprise of nobody but me, apparently.

Can't... go on... fourth baseball reference... too... much...

In the absence of the three-legged dog — his owner had moved to another facility — the Dresher Estates staff did not disappoint when it came to providing me with an adequate distraction.

What, no crippled old people to ridicule?

Tracey Murphy, director of arts and entertainment at Dresher Estates, worked the room greeting people while carrying a couple of guinea pigs in her pocket, to the surprise and enjoyment of many attending. Although I was unable to get a close enough look at the guinea pigs to see if any of them was three-legged, I do believe that cute little critters generally have a high ceiling when it comes to entertainment value. That is, of course, unless they happened to have an accident in their handler’s pocket. Naturally, that would have been highly entertaining to me but I’m not so sure Tracey would have found it that funny.

I guess it would be pretty hard to relate guinea pigs to a baseball game, so I'll give him a pass on this paragraph.

The event raised approximately $600 for Ambler Ambulance, which Dresher Estates will present to the group at a later date. Drew Lavenberg, chief of operations for Ambler Ambulance, was on hand — looking quite a bit more strapping and dashing in his uniform than I did in my rumpled editor’s getup — for the festivities and expressed his appreciation for the fundraising efforts.

$600, huh? That ought to buy that half a tire they've been hoping for. MM frequently describes himself as "rumpled," perhaps attempting to gain a Columbo-esque charm. He fails.

And wouldn’t you know it, Daughter of Blonde Accountant had one of her tickets pulled and won a Marc Ecko handbag. For the record, I do not know this Marc Ecko as he does not appear to be on the Phillies Opening Day roster.

Alright, that's enough. Seriously. This has gone from "running gag" to "annoying crutch." And this is not the first time that Morsch has made the connection between an unusual name and the Philles roster.

To say that Daughter of Blonde Accountant is quite pleased with the handbag would be like saying that I would be quite pleased to catch a Ryan Howard home run ball. Happy dance, happy dance, happy dance!

Is this even possible???

Alas, I never win anything that I want, like tickets to the ballgame. But we got purses coming out our ears at our house and apparently we can win more of those. As far as winning the lottery … pfffftttt!

Yes... yes, it is possible. Is that seven? Seven baseball references?

Looks like I’m destined to be left holding the handbag on that one.

And the usual incomprehensible last sentence that "ties it all together." But really, he was so close to eight - couldn't he have did a little Shane Victorino "stolen bag" reference or something?