Column: One needs to be a very wise guy to understand the new smartphone
Published: Wednesday, April 14, 2010
By Mike Morsch
Executive Editor
"Column"??? No "Outta Leftfield"? Is he trying to re-brand himself, or is this a case of MM recycling a column he wrote for another paper? Mysteries abound.
The thing about getting a smartphone is that one assumes that the user is smarter than the phone. This wouldn’t necessarily be a correct assumption in my case.
Ha! Because you're so dumb, right? Ya big goof! Priceless!
In fact, the smart money at this point is on the smartphone and not the smart aleck.
Smart aleck (n) - An obnoxiously conceited person. A wise guy.
I'll let you decide if either of these definitions fit Mr. Morsch.
That’s right, I’m in the early stages of smartphone ownership and my initial reaction is … wow, this phone is smart and boy, am I stupid. This is not an entirely new revelation, mind you. As phones go, I have been known to be outwitted by two tin cans and a long string on occasion.
I doubt that MM types out his columns on a clattering old manual typewriter, so I would guess he has a passing knowledge of how to operate a computer. If you can do that, you can read the instruction booklet and operate a cell phone. It's getting to the poit where Morsch's next column will be something like "Hard to get a Leg Up on Dressing Myself."
But I needed a new phone and figured I would go with the state-of-the-art model, despite the fact that when it comes to technology, state-of-the-art is a status that is updated hourly.
Yes, because that's what the term "state-of-the-art" means.
Since I am a Verizon customer and have been happy with that carrier’s service for several years now, I was not in line for an iPhone, which is an AT&T product. The Verizon equivalent of the iPhone is called the Droid.
This just in! There's a new device called the "Nin Ten Do" that's even more advanced than our beloved Atari! Get in line now, folks.
Did you know that purchasing a Droid is akin to purchasing a car these days? Not from a cost standpoint, but when it was all said and done, it took me two hours of mulling about the Verizon store to complete the dadgummed transaction. Really, I have in the past driven off an auto dealership’s lot with a new car in less time than it took for me to get a new cell phone in my pocket.
That's not the right use of the word "mulling." I think he meant "milling." But whatever. It's a brave new world, isn't it, Mr. Morsch? Why, I remember the days when you could buy a Negro from the auction block faster than you can buy one of these "dadgummed" celly phones!
But the Verizon lady was extremely nice and knowledgeable when trying to explain to me all the cool things that the Droid can do. Apparently, one of the few things the Droid cannot do is pick up the kids from school. (I know because I asked.) I am certain, however, that Verizon’s research and development department is working to solve that little shortcoming as you read this.
Does Morsch seem oddly contemptuous of this technology? One can only imagine the kind of sass he worked up for the article about his first VCR.
At one point during the negotiations, the saleswoman came out from behind the counter to demonstrate one of the Droid’s snappy features. I was in the Royersford store and was planning to go to dinner with Younger Daughter after the transaction, so the saleswoman spoke the word “pizza” into the Droid.
Miraculously, the Droid automatically flashed up a satellite picture of a 10-mile radius from where we were standing and listed the addresses of pizza joints within that 10-mile radius.
About as much a miracle as typing "pizza" into Google. Except it's on a phone. Is this really that amazing?
“How cool is that?” said the saleslady.
“Uh, that’s pretty cool, but we weren’t going to have pizza tonight,” I said. “And besides, all that satellite technology is great and everything, but could you, uh … teach me how to answer a phone call.”
I'm guessing what happened next is that the saleslady said "dumb bastard" into the phone, and a satellite picture of Morsch's bald head appeared. Of course MM wouldn't think this is cool - he once used the phrase "How cool is that?" to describe getting a 1974 baseball card. Nerd.
Having eventually secured the purchase, it wasn’t until I got home with the Droid that I realized that not only could I talk to the phone, but that the phone could talk back to me. It says “Drrrroooiiiddd,” which makes sense I guess. I would be suspicious if it said “iPhone.”
A planet where MACHINES speak as MEN?
Apparently, though, the Droid doesn’t like to sound off until the middle of the night, and then it does so in a voice that sounds like Lurch from the Addams Family.
Try getting awakened from a sound sleep in the middle of the night by a gadget on the nightstand right next to your ear that sounds like Lurch. Naturally, it scared the beejeezus out of me and very nearly startled my bladder into action.
Replace "very nearly" with "absolutely."
So after nearly two weeks, I still haven’t figured out how to get the Droid to shut up. Maybe if I just say “shut up” into the phone. But I have resigned myself to the fact that until I figure out how to change it, the phone will say “Drrroooiiiddd” to me every time I’m within 10 miles of a Royersford pizza joint, I think.
Maybe use the instruction booklet.
If it were really a smart phone, though, it would say “Yooouuu raaaannnggg?” when fielding an incoming phone call without me having to program it to do so. I mean, really, it already has the Lurch voice and it’s a phone. Why isn’t it smart enough to say “Yooouuu raaannnggg?”
Who's more stupid - a phone that can be programmed to say literally anything while "fielding" an incoming phone call, or a guy who thinks the default setting should be a reference to a kitschy old sit-com?
A minimal amount of research revealed that the first smartphone was designed by IBM in the early 1990s and was named “Simon.” I believe that given the advancements in technology since then, Verizon may have missed a creative naming opportunity with the Droid. I am disappointed it’s not called the “Lurch.” But hey, I can zero in on any slice of pizza in the Royersford area with no problem at all. I guess there are tradeoffs in all aspects of technological life.
"What've we got, Sarge?"
"Well, it's a dead horse, Detective, no question about it."
"No matter how many times you see it, it doesn't get any easier, does it?"
"Not just that... but it looks like somebody... beat it. After it was dead."
"What a sick monster. I want this guy, Sarge. I want him bad."
So I am continuing to learn how to fully utilize what the smartphone has to offer. And now I’m connected 24/7.
It remains to be seen if I’ve made the right call on this one.
Settle on a theme, huh? The whole column was a mockery of the smart phone, and you end it with a little... whatever. It's like telling a joke, but shrugging instead of telling the punchline.
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