It's a Long, Long Season...

Tuesday, April 13, 2010
The sights and sounds of Opening Day

Unacceptable. Surely this man must think about and experience things other than baseball. Then again, maybe he doesn't - we go from a story about a charity drive that somehow morphs into a baseball story to this little gem, which makes no bones about its theme. At least he's being honest this time.

The Phillies home opener this year was what one would expect from the defending National League Champions. Lots of fun and lots of sun.

And lots of cliched rhymes! He's like Andre the Giant from The Princess Bride.

Mandy Patinkin: "Those Philles, they'll be lots of FUN..."
Morsch: "Fun... fun... and I hope that we'll have lots of... sun!"
Mandy Patinkin:"Ah, Morsch, you have a great gift for rhyme."
Morsch: (Long pause, blank stare) "Uh... I like baseball."

Among the sights, sounds and firsts of the 2010 baseball season were:
— My Opening Day lunch consisted of, what else, a cheese steak (Whiz witout) and crab fries.

For the record, I hate specialized orders like that. "Wiz witout." Wow, he's so hip! The only surprise in this paragraph is that there's no refernce to him spilling things on himself. And honestly, when he says "what else," you would really expect a hot dog reference, wouldn't you?

- The first Opening Day beer was cold enough. But depending on one’s preferred brand, it cost between $7.25 and $7.75 a bottle. At this age, I just do not like beer that much at that price. My first beer of the season will likely be my last beer of the season at the ballpark.

Where has Morsch been for the past 25 years? Like expensive ballpark food is anything new. The degree of specificity here is amazing... does he really need to point out the $0.50 swing in price? Couldn't he have just said "it cost about $7.50"? Apparently a high price is the only thing that can separare MM from his precious, precious booze.

— Adult males who wear their ballcaps backwards ought to turn them around, unless of course they are indeed catchers in real life.

Yeah, and boys shouldn't wear jewelry! And pull up those pants, they're hanging too low! And why are you wearing sunglasses indoors? And break up those interracial couples!

— The Phillie Phanatic is just a big goof. He gets a pass, though, because “being a big goof” is actually in his job description. I am trying to think of a way to get it into my job description.

Yes... yes, the Phanatic partakes in screwball antics. Unlike those other mascots who maintain a more dignified, formal air.

— Thanks to Managing Editor Craig Ostroff, I found a free parking space for the first time in 10 years of going to Phillies games. But I’m not telling you where it is because I want it to be available for me.

Hint: The parking spot was Managing Editor Craig Ostroff's driveway.

— I never get tired of hearing “Take Me Out To The Ballgame.” I was unsuccessful at getting it played at my wedding, but I have left specific instructions that it be played at my funeral, where the charge for beer will be substantially less than what it is at the ballpark.

That request should have been The Blonde Accountant's final warning to get out while the getting's good. And I have to say that his beer reference here is rather clever.

All in all, it was a great home opener for the Phillies. The good guys won and are off to a good start.

Funny that his "sights and sounds of opening day" article has had virtually no Phillies reference until now. Did he even watch the game?

And this was the fourth Opening Day I’ve spent at the ballpark without my dad. He wasn’t from around here and he wasn’t a Phillies fan, but I certainly got my love of baseball from him.

He would have enjoyed the Phanatic. My dad was always fond of big goofs.

I can see what he's doing here. The Phanatic is a goof, which Morsch cleverly insterted into the column earlier; Morsch himself is a goof; therefore, Morsch's dad was fond of him. Please see Morsch's rambling, vague column about baseball cards for more about his dad.

Labels: Mike Morsch, Montgomery Newspapers, Outta Leftfield, Phillie Phanatic, Phillies

Nice job with the lables here. Surprisingly, the "Phillie Phanatic" label actually links to another story! In it, the Phanatic is indeed referenced in passing... and Morsch describes himself as "a big goof." Coincidence? YOU be the judge.

The "Philles" label brings up four (ONLY FOUR???) stories, one of which is a story about Penn State football that mentions the Phillies once.