What's the Deal with Snow?

Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow . . . someplace else
Published: Tuesday, December 28, 2010
By Mike Morsch
Executive Editor

I'm curious as to why this isn't labeled as an "Outta Leftfield" entry. Are there certain columns that Morsch doesn't feel merit that prestigious designation?

Nothing takes the good cheer out of a Christmas quite like a nor’easter. It’s like Mother Nature (a nasty old biddy), Old Man Winter (a Major League crumb bum and a ratfink) and the Grinch (he really is a heel) had a meeting and decided that my driveway was going to be the ground zero of every winter storm on the entire eastern seaboard.

I don't recall the Grinch having any particular influence over weather patterns.

A foot of snow in Delaware? Three feet in Mike’s driveway. Three feet of snow in Boston? Eight feet in Mike’s driveway. Really, I get so much snow in my driveway from every nor’easter that Weather Channel reporter Jim Cantore is starting to have his mail forwarded to my house.

Um... why? Wouldn't Jim Cantore have a harder time getting his mail if it's at Morsch's house, buried in snow?

He rambles on a while about how much more snow he gets than everyone else. Then he comes out with this paragraph:

No, for the good folks in the rural Heartland, a “mid’wester” is called a tornado, which is a trailer park’s low-pressure system combining with a silo’s high-pressure system to create an atmospheric condition that encourages a group of people to become partial to bib overalls as a formal fashion statement and say “y’all” a lot. And for the record, I do not have to shovel “y’alls” off my driveway.

Just try reading that without going cross-eyed and stupid. It can't be done.

I complain every year about the excessive snow.

See this past February's column about how much he hates shoveling.

My routine is always the same: Start shoveling about two hours into a storm, gripe and moan, shovel again two hours after that, gripe and moan some more, shovel again the next morning, then gripe and moan that my efforts from the previous evening have all been for naught.

This is sort of like his "I missed the eclipse" post - just wait until the storm stops, you fool!

Although my lower back has taken quite a beating, my griping and moaning skills have improved significantly over the years with all the shoveling practice I’ve been getting. One would think I’d just go out and buy a dadgummed snowblower, but that would take away all the fun out of griping and moaning. Besides, a snowblower can’t do the job of my preferred method of clearing snow — a flamethrower — but apparently neither Lowe’s nor Home Depot carry those.

Seriously though... why DOESN'T he buy a snowblower? Problem solved. Unless he's genuinely that frightened of running out of material for his column.

So instead of focusing on the shoveling this year, I’m going to gripe and moan about a few other things: local weather forecasters and snowplows.

Weathermen always get the weather wrong, and snowplows plow in your driveway cut, right? Har dee har har har.

With the latest storm, 75 percent of the “computer models” that the weather people consulted just 24 hours in advance had the nasty weather heading harmlessly out to sea. Then just like that, the prediction went from zilch to 12 to 20 inches of snow.

Huh? If a prediction is off by that much … get new computers!

You tell 'em! I bet nobody has ever made these arguments before. Ever.

I do, however, have one bit of advice for both of them: When it’s snowing sideways, go inside and report from the comfort of the television studio. We know the weather stinks. You have told us that. Now go inside. If you are going to stay outside and mess up your hair, at least have the courtesy to deliver a flame thrower to my house while you’re out.

Again, we've heard all this before. A million billion times.

My other complaint this winter season is the guys who have snowplows attached to the front of their pickup trucks. Again, this one seems pretty simple: When it snows, drop the plows and help out your neighbors, your community and the workers who have been up all night clearing roadways.

Actually it's hardly that simple. Most of those trucks belong to independent operators who plow out convenience stores, gas stations, etc. They're not just community-minded citizens.

On the way to work the day after the big storm, I saw three pickup trucks with plows and none of them had the blades dropped. Why have a snowplow attached to the front of your pickup if you’re not going to drop it when it snows? Plow something, you jamokes! Otherwise, all you have is one stupid-looking hood ornament.

And once again, our author completely misses the point. He gets a bonus point for using "jamokes," however.

There you have it, the start of the Whining in a Winter Wonderland Complaining Season.

If I could move to where it didn’t ever snow, I would. But in the meantime, I really, really need to find a flamethrower.

Or a snowblower. Honestly.