When it comes to alarm clocks, apparently the butler did it
Published: Tuesday, December 21, 2010
By Mike Morsch
Executive Editor
We all know what's coming - some hilarious riffs on British people, fancy words, nice suits, etc. I'm taking bets on whether he'll use the name "Jeeves" at any point.
An alarm clock is an annoying necessity. In fact, one alarm clock in the bedroom is not enough for The Blonde Accountant and me, it takes two alarm clocks, set about a minute apart, to get us moving in the morning.
The comma after "and me" needs to be a semicolon for this sentence to sound halfway correct.
When I say “us,” I mean “her.” Fortunately for me, I sleep like a dead rock. In general, it takes a yeoman’s effort from the fife and bugle corps of a marching band to get me to even roll over and snort in the morning.
This doesn't make sense either. He says it takes two alarm clocks to get "us" moving. Then he says that "us" means his wife... but then he says that's because he sleeps so soundly. So really, by "us" he means "him."
Assuming the neighbors would not take too kindly to a marching band parked on my front lawn every morning though, we opt for the two-alarm method.
And so, three paragraphs in, we've finally established how many alarms they use.
Frankly, I rarely hear the alarms anyway, but if I did, I don’t think I’d choose the standard buzz, ring or music options. However, I did happen across an alarm that in theory, I might like The Blonde Accountant to try, courtesy of the website thinkgeek.com.
Ah, yet another "Morsch finds an amusing item on the Internet" column. It's been too long.
It’s called the “Good Morning Sir Alarm Clock,” and for just a mere $69.99, she can be awakened by the “wonderfully dry and proper Englishman,” Stephen Fry, English actor and writer, reprising his role as “Jeeves,” the “gentleman’s gentleman.”
We are warned, though, not to call this alarm clock voice a butler, despite the fact that Jeeves “can buttle with the best of them.”
For those of you that bet on using the name "Jeeves" - nicely done. Note that all the humor in his column thus far is written by somebody else.
Just once, I’d like to see a resume that included the line, “I can buttle with the best of them” in the experience section. I would seriously consider interviewing that person just to hear what qualifications it takes to properly buttle.
It's a joke, and the thing is a gag gift. Again, it's not funny to "mock" something that's meant as a joke to begin with.
When I mentioned to The Blonde Accountant that maybe she needed a new alarm clock and that this one might just be the ticket, she asked if Jeeves addressed women as well as men.
Why of course it does. If a website can think geek, it certainly should be able to think geekette as well.
Is it funny to add "ette" onto a word to make it feminine? Morsch apparently thinks so, because he does it every other entry.
Jeeves will awaken you — sir or madam — with a variety of phrases:
Note that once again, everything that follows is comedic material created by someone else.
— “I am delighted you have survived another night.”
— “I’m afraid the staff has absconded, sir/madam, and it is my day off. I trust it would not be too onerous, sir/madam, to make your own exquisitely sliced toast and perfectly cooked breakfast?”
— “Let us seize the day and take it roughly from behind, as the Colonel used to say in his unfortunate way.”
— “The rising and shining cannot be postponed indefinitely. Though shining is not compulsory in this intractable world, the rising eventually is.”
Did we really need FOUR quotes? I think we get it after, say, the first two.
For the record, I’m not sure an alarm clock that tried to wake me up by using the words absconded, onerous, compulsory and intractable would succeed where a marching band would fail.
Then why did he want to buy it?
Those fancy words are more suitable to awaken The Blonde Accountant, the more reserved and proper half of the marital equation and the one more likely to employ a butler when she wins the lottery. Not only does she get up before any rooster, she is not a menace to polite society and never will be, which is good because I’d hate to be married to someone just like me.
"Duhh, gee, I'm just a big bumblin' slob, and my wife's all prim and proper!" How many variations on this same joke have we suffered through over the months?
I’d be more apt to stir in the morning if the voice on my alarm clock was a drill sergeant, say like R. Lee Ermey and he said things like:
I'm hoping for at least five hilarious examples of what R. Lee Ermey would say.
— “Hey you snoring and slobbering bum, haul your keister out of bed right now before I bury my boot in your ear.”
— Yo jerkwagon, your undershorts are on fire and I’m about ready to open up a gas can on your behind.”
— “You gotta be bleepin’ me, you steaming pile of bear fur! What part of wake the bleep up don’t you understand?”
He missed a quotation mark in the second one. I like how he can only come up with three examples on his own, after he used four from the clock. He also stole "jerkwagon" from the recent Geico commercial in which Mr. Ermey says "jackwagon."
R. Lee Ermey would never say "undershorts" or "bear fur" (???) anyway.
Given that it’s the holiday season, the “Good Morning Sir Alarm Clock,” would have made a good gift this time of year had I thought ahead. While I usually do my holiday shopping for stupid gifts from my friends at stupid.com —
Shouldn't that be "stupid gifts FOR my friends"? Unless he's buying things for his friends to give to him...
where I can get the inflatable mooning Santa or the eggnog bubblegum — I can see that when shopping for that special someone next year, I should probably include thinkgeek.com on my list of places to shop. I’m sure The Blonde Accountant would much prefer something like the Star Trek Enterprise pizza cutter or the Screaming Monkey Slingshot rather than some bling from a stuffy old jewelry store.
Honestly, we're not going to get a single use of the phrase "pip-pip cheerio" or anything? This topic should really be bringing out his ethnocentric side.
You will note that when choosing gifts like the Starship Enterprise pizza cutter and the Screaming Monkey Slingshot, I did not violate the cardinal rule of Stupid Husband Shopping that states: “Buy no gift for your wife that has a cord.”
WaHOOOOOO! Yes! I was waiting for that next "dumb husband" joke, and here it is!
Which, I believe makes me a gentleman’s gentleman in the area of husband awareness. Now, if I can just learn how to buttle with the best of them.
And he finishes it off with yet another joke he took from the alarm clock.
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