The Season of Giving

Being a jolly old elf more complicated than just fitting into the suit
Published: Tuesday, December 14, 2010
By Mike Morsch
Executive Editor

Oh my. Are we to be treated to how Morsch also can't play Santa Claus effectively?

Several years ago, a friend asked that if I could fit into the suit, would I mind playing Santa for an event he was organizing. Excuse me … if I could fit into the suit? I thought Santa suits started at XXXL and worked their way up from there.

I'm guessing there will be lots of these, so let's keep count: Fat Joke #1.

I politely declined because at the time, I was 40 pounds heavier and didn’t need to be reminded of that by the presence of a red suit that wouldn’t fit. How come it’s always fat guys who get asked to play Santa? We’re not all jolly and we don’t particularly like that “bowl full of jelly” comparison.

Because Santa is fat? How come it's always the black guys who are asked to play blacks? Fat Joke #2.

Besides, having never done the Santa gig before, I would have been woefully unprepared for the task. On the surface, it looks like an easy job. Once the red suit and beard are in place, one just needs to show up, say “Ho-ho-ho!” a lot and listen to what the kids want for Christmas.

Turns out it’s a little more involved than that, according to the Lansdale Borough Council’s Parks and Recreation Committee. The committee, which has been looking for prospective Santas during the holiday season for its Santa House, is offering some tips for wannabe Kris Kringles.

Ooh, maybe this isn't a "can't do XXX" article! We may be looking at yet another "talk about a story from the Internet" article!

Included in the list are things like not wearing jewelry, watches, aftershave, cologne or irregular shoes that might give away one’s identity. I assume by “irregular shoes,” the committee means that since Chuck Taylors are not generally recognized as Santa’s preferred winter footwear, something other than black boots might spoil the fun for the kids.

I would think that black boots would be included with the basic Santa costume, but Morsch is missing the point. They're advising the person not to wear something that would give away their identity.

Other tips include addressing groups with generic terms like “folks,” using a straw to take a drink so nothing spills on the beard or suit and making sure to not only remember the names of the children but also the names of Santa’s nine helpers.

These things all make sense. By "helpers," do they mean the reindeer?

That’s a lot to remember, especially if Santa starts sipping cold adult beverages through a straw. If that happens, be prepared for the list of Santa’s helpers to include “folks” like Dasher, Dancer, Prancer and Vixen . . . and Grumpy, Sleepy, Bashful, Sneezy, Groucho, Chico, Harpo, Zeppo, Gummo and Chuck Taylor.

Shockingly he doesn't invoke a "Moe, Larry and Curly" reference. I think I heard this bit on ALF once... but nice, classy reference to getting drunk in front of children. And it's NOT a lot to remember.

It occurred to me that other tips not included by the parks and recreation committee should be in the areas of bad breath and sanity.

"Tips.. in the areas of"? That doesn't sound right. After long absences, both alcohol and bad breath make their return to "Outta Leftfield"! This really is the season of giving.

First of all, Santa probably shouldn’t have coffee breath. Some kids are frightened by the mere presence of Santa, and blowing bad coffee breath right up a kid’s beezer can do nothing to alleviate those fears.

"Beezer"? That's just stupid.

Plus, it’s probably not good for little kids to get a caffeine high from secondary coffee breath.

And Santa probably should not be batspit crazy, although it’s a short journey to crazy-go-nutshood if one has to sit in a mall or store and listen to Christmas songs like “Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer” 847 times during the Santa shift.

"Batspit"... does this man ever exhaust his vast reservoir of substitute swear words? I would also like to note that numbers beginning with "8" seem to be designated as "funny" ones.

My brother-in-law had it right. The only non-fat guy I’ve ever known to don the Santa apparel, he had a pretty sweet deal in our central Illinois hometown for years being the parks and recreation department’s Grand Poobah of Santas back in the early 1990s.

Another hilarious made-up title!

He got paid, for one thing, but he also had the correct temperament for the job and didn’t drink coffee while on duty.

Plus it was great to have a Santa in the family. When Older Daughter was little, Uncle Mark would sneak out the garage door at my folks’ house without her knowing it, get in full Santa regalia, and then come in the front door, working the jingle bells overtime. (Editor’s note: I think she’s still unsure that it was Uncle Mark, so don’t tell her.)

But you just told everyone in the world (and possibly Older Daughter), via your Interenet column. So way to ruin a treasured childhood memory, sir.

Although the look on her face was always one of pure joy when Santa came through the front door, she always seemed a bit puzzled as to how Santa knew she was at Pawkaw and Granny’s house and not at her own. That, and the fact, that he walked right in the front door and didn’t come down the chimney, never mind that Pawkaw and Granny didn’t have a chimney in their house.

You don't need a comma after "the fact." Although these pointed questions are presented as being totally unique and amusing, I'm sure that every kid in the world has wondered the same thing.

Still, despite meeting the minimum girth requirements, I’ve never had the inclination to belly up to the volunteer Santa trough. I don’t drink coffee, so that wouldn’t be a problem, although come to think of it, garlic breath probably isn’t any easier on little kids.

Fat Joke #3.

So to recap both the parks and recreation department tips and my own additional suggestions, prospective Santas should remember every kid’s name, drink through a straw, lay off the coffee before going on duty and not be crazy.

Ha... ha... ha. Totally worth it.

Because for this gig, everybody knows that yes, Virginia, there really is a sanity clause. And it will be tested.

What?