Outta Leftfield: Asparagus rules — or not — on the Rubber Chicken Circuit
Published: Thursday, March 01, 2012
By Mike Morsch
Executive Editor
I actually missed this one when it was first released (to overwhelming critical acclaim, no doubt) due to a bad link on Borsch's Twitter. Thankfully, reader "Anonymous" put me back on the trail. Right off the bat, I'm going to predict at least one "smelly urine" joke in this column.
Apparently I am in the minority when it comes to asparagus. In technical terms, I consider it “blechie,” a view not shared by the majority of my friends.
See, where I come from, we don’t have a lot of banquets. It’s not that we don’t honor extraordinary people in the Midwest with a banquet.
Ooh, a reference to his Midwestern upbringing! If there's one thing that people in the Philadelphia suburbs love, it's Midwestern humor.
We do. It’s called a chili supper at the American Legion hall. And if the honoree is lucky, there will be a yee-haw band there and quite possibly a “stomp” dance contest where the winner can take home that most valuable of prizes: a $10-off coupon from the Tastee Freez.
(It should come as no surprise to know that I actually won a “stomp” dance contest at an American Legion hall in southern Iowa in 1983, although I did pull a hamstring and break three toes on my partner’s left foot in the process.)
He mentions this contest in an October 5, 2010 column:"As an adult, I did once win an American Legion dance hall contest with my first wife... We were living in a remote rural area of southern Iowa at the time..." Amazingly, he doesn't repeat the same "pull a hamstring" joke.
The name of the Tastee Freez can change from town to town in the heartland. In Peru, Ill., it’s called “The Gloo” — hickspeak for “The Igloo” — which in addition to ice cream, serves the messiest, greasiest and most wonderful cheeseburgers and tenderloin sammiches on the planet. I wonder if the greater Philadelphia region is in its delivery area?
What does this have to do with anything??? We've wandered so far down this rabbit trail that we've almost reached Watership Down.
But out here in the Northeast,
I would argue that "up here" works better than "out here" when describing the Northeast.
the Rubber Chicken Circuit is alive and well. I end up going to a lot of banquets, the most recent of which was last week and honored the retirement of Abington’s Oscar Vance, who is hanging it up after what was described in the speechifying as 112 years as Montgomery County chief of detectives. I must admit, Oscar looks to be in pretty good shape for a man of 140.
Note how Borsch attempts to steal that "Vance is old" joke from whoever originally made it at the banquet. Also, "I end up" through "detectives" is one really long, really bad sentence.
Now I know not to get my expectations up too high when it comes to banquet food. I’ve been to banquets with as many as 800 attendees (the Philadelphia Sports Writers). There were only 400 people at Oscar’s banquet. And I know it’s difficult to prepare and serve several hundred meals at a time.
We'll be getting to the funny part any second now. I can feel it.
But man, the vegetables at a banquet seem to me to be the most insufferable part of the meal. Most of the time, the meat and taters/rice are decent to relatively good (the portions are never big enough for a guy like me, but that’s another story).
Ooh, ooh, can we analyze every part of the meal in agonizingly tedious detail? We CAN? Oh joy! I like the extremely original "I'm fat" joke, too.
Carrots and string beans seem to be the most popular vegetable choices for banquets. And, I guess, asparagus falls into that category, because that’s what we were served at Oscar’s banquet.
What category? The carrots and string beans category? And because asparagus was served at one banquet it becomes one of "the most popular choices"? Note what an awkward and clumsy way that was to introduce asparagus - you know, the topic of his column that we're only getting to a third of the way in.
Asparagus — or Asparagus officinalis as it would be called in a Roadrunner cartoon —
Um... no. You see, in a Roadrunner cartoon, they make up funny fake Latin names for things. "Asparagus officinalis" is the actual Latin name for asparagus. I suspect that he obtained this information from his old friend Wikipedia.
doesn’t even sound good. But it is good for you. It’s low in calories and sodium, is a good source of vitamin B6, calcium, magnesium and zinc and serves as a dandy dietary fiber. And everybody knows just how important dandy dietary fibers are to one’s disposition.
Yep! Per Wikipedia: "Asparagus is low in calories and is very low in sodium. It is a good source of vitamin B6, calcium, magnesium and zinc, and a very good source of dietary fiber." Come on, Borsch. That was a blatant one.
I should probably eat more asparagus, but I just can’t stomach it. I feel the same way about asparagus that President George H.W. Bush feels about broccoli and first lady Michelle Obama feels about beets. Yuck. Patooey.
He used the term "can't stomach it" and passed up another opportunity to make a fat joke about himself? I'm shocked.
But I assumed I was in the majority opinion about asparagus. Taking the issue to experts on Facebook, I commented that I thought three out of every four people didn’t like asparagus. I based my opinion on that most scientific theory: The Yuck Factor.
His four Facebook friends are an unending source of inspiration.
Turns out many of my friends are asparagus eaters. One called it “the Rolls Royce choice for green vegetables at a banquet.” And I believe that’s the first time I’ve ever seen the words “Rolls Royce” and “asparagus” in the same sentence. A cousin suggested that possibly asparagus would be more appealing to me if it were prepared differently: “Maybe balsamic marinated as a salad-like side dish would fit your fancy better.”
Uh, no thanks, cuz.
"Cuz"? Is he an Italian sports radio host now?
My informal and limited poll
"Informal and limited" could basically sum up his entire career.
generated six asparagus supporters and two who sided with me. That certainly blew my three-out-of-every-four-people-hate-asparagus theory, but it did prove once and for all that Facebook is a valuable social tool when discussing the important issues of the day.
He used this same "important issues of the day" joke about Oreos, too.
I can only imagine how much social engagement I could muster on Facebook if I started a thread about rubber chickens.
Do you really "start a thread" on Facebook?
What a good ending! I would point out that "rubber chicken circuit" is more a comment on the consistency of the chicken than a reference to actual rubber chickens, but I'm not a nit-picker like that.
This was a really bad column (does that go without saying, at this point?). We start out with an awkward side-story about dance contests in Iowa, blunder into how he doesn't like asparagus but other people do, and end with a "joke" about rubber chickens that makes little-to-no sense. Never mind the fact that Borsch is never funny - he's not even coherent!
Showing posts with label Rampant Plagiarism. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Rampant Plagiarism. Show all posts
Monday, March 12, 2012
Wednesday, March 7, 2012
Copy-And-Paste Column
OUTTA LEFTFIELD: Milking a topic for what it’s worth: The Oreo turns 100
Published: Tuesday, March 06, 2012
By Mike Morsch
Executive Editor
I should have known.
In the interest of offering you critical information that you can utilize in your everyday life — as this space so often does, especially during the wacky political season — the Oreo celebrated its 100th birthday this week.
Long-time Borsch readers will know that this political season is only "wacky" because it's the Republican primary.
According to a wire service story,
This means he stole 90% of his content from said wire service story.
a woman by the name of Becky Tousey, corporate archivist for Kraft Foods who is apparently also known as the “Oreo historian,” revealed that the cookie has maintained the same advertising focus since its inception — that it is fun to eat.
The story (which I found) uses the phrase "maintained the same theme in its advertising over the years." This is the most effort Borsch will put into his copying from here on out. I really question whether "inception" is the proper word to use when referring to a cookie.
This, of course, raises the question: Kraft Foods actually employs someone as a “corporate archivist” and expert “Oreo historian”?
Cool. I believe I may have eaten enough Oreo cookies over the course of my lifetime to actually qualify as an “Oreo historian.” I plan to revise my resume to reflect such an accomplishment.
Did you like that "I eat a lot of Oreos" joke? I hope so. You'll be seeing it again. And again. And again.
Here are some other fun facts about the Oreo, according to the wire service story:
This is code for "the remaining 75% of the article is someone else's work."
— The cookie takes 59 minutes to make and consists of 12 flowers, 12 dots and 12 dashes on each side. Each cookie also has 90 ridges.
From the story: "The cookie, which takes 59 minutes to make, consists of 12 flowers, 12 dots and 12 dashes on each side. Each cookie has 90 ridges."
— The cookies are made of 29 percent crème and 71 percent cookie. They are produced in 21 bakeries around the world, and Kraft estimates that more than 500 billion Oreos have been sold since 1912.
You guessed it! From the story: "Oreos are made from 29 percent creme and 71 percent cookie. They are made in 21 bakeries around the world. Kraft Foods estimates that more than 500 billion Oreos have been sold since 1912." Changing punctuation = NOT copying. Kids, take note.
— I believe I am personally responsible for eating at least 1.5 billion of those Oreos, which puts me second on the All-Time Cookie Eater leader board behind, of course, the Cookie Monster. Oddly enough, I’ve never looked at them closely enough to realize that each cookie has a pattern that contains 12 flowers, 12 dots and 12 dashes. What that proves, I think, is that the cookies don’t stay in my hand long enough for me to get a good look at what’s on them.
HA! He eats large quantities of food. Funny. There's an entire, massive paragraph later based solely around this joke, but adds the fact that he drinks a lot of milk to the mix. Double HA!
— Market research reveals that 84 percent of men ate the cookies whole while 41 percent of women pulled the cookie apart.
Per the story: "...market research found that while 84 percent of men ate the cookie whole, 41 percent of women pulled the cookie apart.".
Count me among the 84 percent. I just ate a bunch last weekend and didn’t pull any of them apart. Of course, I’m pretty sure I am practicing the wrong technique there. Even though the women represent only a 41 percent minority of puller-aparters, it’s likely that we men have been doing it all wrong for the past 100 years.
What in hell is he saying here, exactly? Obviously he's doing his usual "men are stupid" thing, but does that mean that 59% of women are also stupid? Does he think that 41% of the entire population, who happen to all be women, pull the Oreo apart? If so, what happened to the 16% of men who do? Really, if Borsch ever reads this (and I know he does), I hope he explains what he was going for.
— Apparently nobody has been credited with coming up with the Oreo idea. However, Ms. Tousey, the “Oreo historian,” believes the name came from combining the “re” in “crème” and the two “o’s” in “chocolate.” I don’t mean to be critical, but that seems like a pretty thin theory for someone with the exulted title of “Oreo historian.” That cookie needs a better backstory.
Borsch says "apparently" because, per the story: "No one has been credited with coming up with the Oreo idea". Tousey's theory about the origin of the name is practically word-for-word, too.
— In 1921, the Oreo biscuit became the Oreo sandwich. In 1937, the name changed to the Oreo crème sandwich. I had no idea is was a biscuit or a sandwich and I’m still not sure why the original bakery — the National Biscuit Co. out of Manhattan — didn’t just name the cookie “The Best Dadgummed Cookie You’ll Ever Dunk in a Glass of Milk.” That certainly could have made for a better backstory if you ask me.
It's been a long time since he's used "dadgummed." And how exactly does a different name for the cookie create a "better backstory"?
— The popular cookie — its Facebook page currently has more than 25 million fans — has had five design changes and been marketed by three companies: the aforementioned National Biscuit Co., which became Nabisco, and now Kraft Foods. I remember is mostly as a Nabisco product.
"I remember is mostly"? Some executive editors didn't proofread!
According to company officials, a limited-edition Oreo with a confetti-sprinkled crème center that tastes like birthday cake has been unveiled for the 100th birthday of the cookie. Swell. Now I have to buy more cookies and milk.
Borsch does a good job of exactly repeating the wire service story again: "...a limited edition cookie with a confetti-sprinkled creme center that tastes like birthday cake."
Now, there might not be anything strictly wrong with repeating your source material word-for-word for the majority of your own column (although I doubt it). But it's further evidence that our favorite author is lazy, slipshod, and unoriginal - and unwilling to admit to it.
Given the history and popularity of the Oreo, it’s little wonder that it has lasted this long. The cookie has become part of the American fabric.
Which, of course, makes it a fitting topic for the next political debate. It’s about time our politicians started talking about something really important — like the best cookies of our time.
... What? Pathetic, sir. Truly a pathetic attempt to frame your copy-and-paste "column" within the context of the primaries (and how in the world he thinks the two topics should even be tenuously tied together is beyond me).
A reader posting under the name of "Kelly Simmons" left the following comment on Borsch's column: Yummy post! I fear for the future of the Republic.
Published: Tuesday, March 06, 2012
By Mike Morsch
Executive Editor
I should have known.
In the interest of offering you critical information that you can utilize in your everyday life — as this space so often does, especially during the wacky political season — the Oreo celebrated its 100th birthday this week.
Long-time Borsch readers will know that this political season is only "wacky" because it's the Republican primary.
According to a wire service story,
This means he stole 90% of his content from said wire service story.
a woman by the name of Becky Tousey, corporate archivist for Kraft Foods who is apparently also known as the “Oreo historian,” revealed that the cookie has maintained the same advertising focus since its inception — that it is fun to eat.
The story (which I found) uses the phrase "maintained the same theme in its advertising over the years." This is the most effort Borsch will put into his copying from here on out. I really question whether "inception" is the proper word to use when referring to a cookie.
This, of course, raises the question: Kraft Foods actually employs someone as a “corporate archivist” and expert “Oreo historian”?
Cool. I believe I may have eaten enough Oreo cookies over the course of my lifetime to actually qualify as an “Oreo historian.” I plan to revise my resume to reflect such an accomplishment.
Did you like that "I eat a lot of Oreos" joke? I hope so. You'll be seeing it again. And again. And again.
Here are some other fun facts about the Oreo, according to the wire service story:
This is code for "the remaining 75% of the article is someone else's work."
— The cookie takes 59 minutes to make and consists of 12 flowers, 12 dots and 12 dashes on each side. Each cookie also has 90 ridges.
From the story: "The cookie, which takes 59 minutes to make, consists of 12 flowers, 12 dots and 12 dashes on each side. Each cookie has 90 ridges."
— The cookies are made of 29 percent crème and 71 percent cookie. They are produced in 21 bakeries around the world, and Kraft estimates that more than 500 billion Oreos have been sold since 1912.
You guessed it! From the story: "Oreos are made from 29 percent creme and 71 percent cookie. They are made in 21 bakeries around the world. Kraft Foods estimates that more than 500 billion Oreos have been sold since 1912." Changing punctuation = NOT copying. Kids, take note.
— I believe I am personally responsible for eating at least 1.5 billion of those Oreos, which puts me second on the All-Time Cookie Eater leader board behind, of course, the Cookie Monster. Oddly enough, I’ve never looked at them closely enough to realize that each cookie has a pattern that contains 12 flowers, 12 dots and 12 dashes. What that proves, I think, is that the cookies don’t stay in my hand long enough for me to get a good look at what’s on them.
HA! He eats large quantities of food. Funny. There's an entire, massive paragraph later based solely around this joke, but adds the fact that he drinks a lot of milk to the mix. Double HA!
— Market research reveals that 84 percent of men ate the cookies whole while 41 percent of women pulled the cookie apart.
Per the story: "...market research found that while 84 percent of men ate the cookie whole, 41 percent of women pulled the cookie apart.".
Count me among the 84 percent. I just ate a bunch last weekend and didn’t pull any of them apart. Of course, I’m pretty sure I am practicing the wrong technique there. Even though the women represent only a 41 percent minority of puller-aparters, it’s likely that we men have been doing it all wrong for the past 100 years.
What in hell is he saying here, exactly? Obviously he's doing his usual "men are stupid" thing, but does that mean that 59% of women are also stupid? Does he think that 41% of the entire population, who happen to all be women, pull the Oreo apart? If so, what happened to the 16% of men who do? Really, if Borsch ever reads this (and I know he does), I hope he explains what he was going for.
— Apparently nobody has been credited with coming up with the Oreo idea. However, Ms. Tousey, the “Oreo historian,” believes the name came from combining the “re” in “crème” and the two “o’s” in “chocolate.” I don’t mean to be critical, but that seems like a pretty thin theory for someone with the exulted title of “Oreo historian.” That cookie needs a better backstory.
Borsch says "apparently" because, per the story: "No one has been credited with coming up with the Oreo idea". Tousey's theory about the origin of the name is practically word-for-word, too.
— In 1921, the Oreo biscuit became the Oreo sandwich. In 1937, the name changed to the Oreo crème sandwich. I had no idea is was a biscuit or a sandwich and I’m still not sure why the original bakery — the National Biscuit Co. out of Manhattan — didn’t just name the cookie “The Best Dadgummed Cookie You’ll Ever Dunk in a Glass of Milk.” That certainly could have made for a better backstory if you ask me.
It's been a long time since he's used "dadgummed." And how exactly does a different name for the cookie create a "better backstory"?
— The popular cookie — its Facebook page currently has more than 25 million fans — has had five design changes and been marketed by three companies: the aforementioned National Biscuit Co., which became Nabisco, and now Kraft Foods. I remember is mostly as a Nabisco product.
"I remember is mostly"? Some executive editors didn't proofread!
According to company officials, a limited-edition Oreo with a confetti-sprinkled crème center that tastes like birthday cake has been unveiled for the 100th birthday of the cookie. Swell. Now I have to buy more cookies and milk.
Borsch does a good job of exactly repeating the wire service story again: "...a limited edition cookie with a confetti-sprinkled creme center that tastes like birthday cake."
Now, there might not be anything strictly wrong with repeating your source material word-for-word for the majority of your own column (although I doubt it). But it's further evidence that our favorite author is lazy, slipshod, and unoriginal - and unwilling to admit to it.
Given the history and popularity of the Oreo, it’s little wonder that it has lasted this long. The cookie has become part of the American fabric.
Which, of course, makes it a fitting topic for the next political debate. It’s about time our politicians started talking about something really important — like the best cookies of our time.
... What? Pathetic, sir. Truly a pathetic attempt to frame your copy-and-paste "column" within the context of the primaries (and how in the world he thinks the two topics should even be tenuously tied together is beyond me).
A reader posting under the name of "Kelly Simmons" left the following comment on Borsch's column: Yummy post! I fear for the future of the Republic.
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
Material Copied from Website
OUTTA LEFTFIELD: The line between smart and stupid continues to be blurred
Published: Wednesday, May 18, 2011
By Mike Morsch
Executive Editor
Exibit A: "Outta Leftfield."
The line between smart and stupid has become increasingly more blurred the past few years. And I’m not referring to just in the political arena.
Gee, to what could he be referring? Hint: he's certainly not calling Obama stupid.
For example, there is the website www.stupid.com, which has been mentioned in this space before.
It has? Is that Borsch's domain name or something?
It features categories like senior gags, office gags, drinking gags, kitchen gags, holiday gags, funny hats and something called the “Poop Shop,” which offers nearly 30 doo-related items. There’s a lot of gagging going on there, and rightfully so, I might add.
For a guy supposedly so grossed out by poop, he finds a way to focus on it in quite a few of his columns.
It’s both stoo and pid. And the folks who run the website realize that by not taking themselves or their products seriously at all.
Is "both stoo and pid" supposed to be funny?
But then I happened across an article titled “Wow, that’s smart!” which was touting some inventions that might make one exclaim, “I wish I’d thought of that!”
Hey, stupid or smart, I’ve had many of those “I wish I’d thought of that!” moments over the course of my life. The closest I’ve ever come to inventing anything, though, was in college in 1978 when I pioneered the “co-ed toga,” a simple bedsheet-turned-toga-for-two inspired by the combination of being 18 and the exposure to mass quantities of alcohol and 18-year-old women. My parents were so proud.
Yet another reference to "coming up with an idea because of beer," a common theme here. And I seriously doubt he "pioneered" that idea.
But hey, going to college in Iowa in the 1970s required us to be creative thinkers because there really wasn’t much else to do, despite the popularity of cow-tipping.
Growing up in the mid-west! WOW! This material is so fresh you can smell it.
Among the smart ideas touted in the aforementioned article were something called “Coffee Joulies,” stainless steal beans about the size of an egg that one puts into a cup of coffee to instantly cool it to a drinkable temperature. I always thought those were called ice cubes.
I don't know what's dumber, the Coffee Joulies or the ice cube remark. You'd think one would displace so much fluid it would spill, and why heat something up just to put ice cubes in it to cool it down?
Another is called a “Cool Wazoo,” a child-protector pad that has five different uses: in a restaurant high chair, on a swing, in a car seat, in a grocery cart or as a changing pad. It sells for $65. I think when my kids were little I used a towel, which means one is spending $65 for the admittedly cool name of the product.
He used a towel as a restaurant high chair and car seat? Impressive. I'm starting to see why none of Borsch's "great ideas" have panned out.
One of the “Wow, that’s smart!” product ideas isn’t really a product at all, which doesn’t necessarily disqualify it from being a smart idea.
This is known as "logic." All smart product ideas are smart ideas, but not all smart ideas are necessarily product ideas.
It’s called the “Poor Man’s Drycleaning” and is accompanied by a picture of a guy with his nose in his armpit. It might be the first recorded image in history of a guy with his nose in his armpit illustrating what’s being called a good idea.
I understand neither the idea itself, nor Borsch's little comment after.
The theory behind this is more along the lines of a home remedy. (Note: Women would never do this, but that is not an automatic disqualifier for guys.)
This is also "logic." Women are not men; therefore an activity that excludes women does not necessarily exclude men as well.
We’ve all seen a guy pick a shirt out of the laundry basket, stick it up to his nose, shrug his shoulders like it’s not too wrinkled and doesn’t smell that bad, and then pull it on over his head. (For the record, I am not one of those guys, which is one of my few redeeming qualities.)
I believe Jeff Foxworthy did this exact routine. The originality here is astounding.
It turns out that those who like to wear their shirts more than once before laundering can make the shirt smell fresh and clean by pouring a little vodka and water into a spray bottle and then spritzing the shirt with the mixture. Once it dries, the garment is good to go. Who said bartenders don’t come up with any good ideas?
I understand the idea now. Please note that we're waist-deep in a "someone else's amusing story I read on the Internet" column.
According to the information in the story, this is a common trick used by Broadway actors so that the costumes don’t have to be dry-cleaned after every performance. Also — and this is big-star product endorsement territory — “Joan Rivers swears by it. So does Madonna.”
I wonder how many paragraphs he has started with "according to" in his "writing" career. They probably number in the thousands.
I was wrong. Apparently women would do something like this to their clothes. Seriously, Joan, can we talk? And Madonna, is that anyway to express yourself?
In this context, it should be "any way," not "anyway." Idiot.
So here’s what we’ve got: The smart ideas include “Coffee Joulies,” the “Cool Wazoo” and the “Poor Man’s Drycleaning” theory. The stupid ideas include anything to do with poo.
Back to poop! I had no idea being a published columnist was so easy. You go to a website, copy the information on said website, and presto! Your column is done.
See how difficult it is to tell the smart from the stupid? Maybe I ought to think about bringing back the co-ed toga idea.
I like how he found these ideas on a website called "stupid.com," and his point is that they're stupid ideas. Hey, at least he TRIED to be funny this time and didn't just summarize random events from his weekend.
Published: Wednesday, May 18, 2011
By Mike Morsch
Executive Editor
Exibit A: "Outta Leftfield."
The line between smart and stupid has become increasingly more blurred the past few years. And I’m not referring to just in the political arena.
Gee, to what could he be referring? Hint: he's certainly not calling Obama stupid.
For example, there is the website www.stupid.com, which has been mentioned in this space before.
It has? Is that Borsch's domain name or something?
It features categories like senior gags, office gags, drinking gags, kitchen gags, holiday gags, funny hats and something called the “Poop Shop,” which offers nearly 30 doo-related items. There’s a lot of gagging going on there, and rightfully so, I might add.
For a guy supposedly so grossed out by poop, he finds a way to focus on it in quite a few of his columns.
It’s both stoo and pid. And the folks who run the website realize that by not taking themselves or their products seriously at all.
Is "both stoo and pid" supposed to be funny?
But then I happened across an article titled “Wow, that’s smart!” which was touting some inventions that might make one exclaim, “I wish I’d thought of that!”
Hey, stupid or smart, I’ve had many of those “I wish I’d thought of that!” moments over the course of my life. The closest I’ve ever come to inventing anything, though, was in college in 1978 when I pioneered the “co-ed toga,” a simple bedsheet-turned-toga-for-two inspired by the combination of being 18 and the exposure to mass quantities of alcohol and 18-year-old women. My parents were so proud.
Yet another reference to "coming up with an idea because of beer," a common theme here. And I seriously doubt he "pioneered" that idea.
But hey, going to college in Iowa in the 1970s required us to be creative thinkers because there really wasn’t much else to do, despite the popularity of cow-tipping.
Growing up in the mid-west! WOW! This material is so fresh you can smell it.
Among the smart ideas touted in the aforementioned article were something called “Coffee Joulies,” stainless steal beans about the size of an egg that one puts into a cup of coffee to instantly cool it to a drinkable temperature. I always thought those were called ice cubes.
I don't know what's dumber, the Coffee Joulies or the ice cube remark. You'd think one would displace so much fluid it would spill, and why heat something up just to put ice cubes in it to cool it down?
Another is called a “Cool Wazoo,” a child-protector pad that has five different uses: in a restaurant high chair, on a swing, in a car seat, in a grocery cart or as a changing pad. It sells for $65. I think when my kids were little I used a towel, which means one is spending $65 for the admittedly cool name of the product.
He used a towel as a restaurant high chair and car seat? Impressive. I'm starting to see why none of Borsch's "great ideas" have panned out.
One of the “Wow, that’s smart!” product ideas isn’t really a product at all, which doesn’t necessarily disqualify it from being a smart idea.
This is known as "logic." All smart product ideas are smart ideas, but not all smart ideas are necessarily product ideas.
It’s called the “Poor Man’s Drycleaning” and is accompanied by a picture of a guy with his nose in his armpit. It might be the first recorded image in history of a guy with his nose in his armpit illustrating what’s being called a good idea.
I understand neither the idea itself, nor Borsch's little comment after.
The theory behind this is more along the lines of a home remedy. (Note: Women would never do this, but that is not an automatic disqualifier for guys.)
This is also "logic." Women are not men; therefore an activity that excludes women does not necessarily exclude men as well.
We’ve all seen a guy pick a shirt out of the laundry basket, stick it up to his nose, shrug his shoulders like it’s not too wrinkled and doesn’t smell that bad, and then pull it on over his head. (For the record, I am not one of those guys, which is one of my few redeeming qualities.)
I believe Jeff Foxworthy did this exact routine. The originality here is astounding.
It turns out that those who like to wear their shirts more than once before laundering can make the shirt smell fresh and clean by pouring a little vodka and water into a spray bottle and then spritzing the shirt with the mixture. Once it dries, the garment is good to go. Who said bartenders don’t come up with any good ideas?
I understand the idea now. Please note that we're waist-deep in a "someone else's amusing story I read on the Internet" column.
According to the information in the story, this is a common trick used by Broadway actors so that the costumes don’t have to be dry-cleaned after every performance. Also — and this is big-star product endorsement territory — “Joan Rivers swears by it. So does Madonna.”
I wonder how many paragraphs he has started with "according to" in his "writing" career. They probably number in the thousands.
I was wrong. Apparently women would do something like this to their clothes. Seriously, Joan, can we talk? And Madonna, is that anyway to express yourself?
In this context, it should be "any way," not "anyway." Idiot.
So here’s what we’ve got: The smart ideas include “Coffee Joulies,” the “Cool Wazoo” and the “Poor Man’s Drycleaning” theory. The stupid ideas include anything to do with poo.
Back to poop! I had no idea being a published columnist was so easy. You go to a website, copy the information on said website, and presto! Your column is done.
See how difficult it is to tell the smart from the stupid? Maybe I ought to think about bringing back the co-ed toga idea.
I like how he found these ideas on a website called "stupid.com," and his point is that they're stupid ideas. Hey, at least he TRIED to be funny this time and didn't just summarize random events from his weekend.
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
Mostly Someone Else's Material
When it comes to alarm clocks, apparently the butler did it
Published: Tuesday, December 21, 2010
By Mike Morsch
Executive Editor
We all know what's coming - some hilarious riffs on British people, fancy words, nice suits, etc. I'm taking bets on whether he'll use the name "Jeeves" at any point.
An alarm clock is an annoying necessity. In fact, one alarm clock in the bedroom is not enough for The Blonde Accountant and me, it takes two alarm clocks, set about a minute apart, to get us moving in the morning.
The comma after "and me" needs to be a semicolon for this sentence to sound halfway correct.
When I say “us,” I mean “her.” Fortunately for me, I sleep like a dead rock. In general, it takes a yeoman’s effort from the fife and bugle corps of a marching band to get me to even roll over and snort in the morning.
This doesn't make sense either. He says it takes two alarm clocks to get "us" moving. Then he says that "us" means his wife... but then he says that's because he sleeps so soundly. So really, by "us" he means "him."
Assuming the neighbors would not take too kindly to a marching band parked on my front lawn every morning though, we opt for the two-alarm method.
And so, three paragraphs in, we've finally established how many alarms they use.
Frankly, I rarely hear the alarms anyway, but if I did, I don’t think I’d choose the standard buzz, ring or music options. However, I did happen across an alarm that in theory, I might like The Blonde Accountant to try, courtesy of the website thinkgeek.com.
Ah, yet another "Morsch finds an amusing item on the Internet" column. It's been too long.
It’s called the “Good Morning Sir Alarm Clock,” and for just a mere $69.99, she can be awakened by the “wonderfully dry and proper Englishman,” Stephen Fry, English actor and writer, reprising his role as “Jeeves,” the “gentleman’s gentleman.”
We are warned, though, not to call this alarm clock voice a butler, despite the fact that Jeeves “can buttle with the best of them.”
For those of you that bet on using the name "Jeeves" - nicely done. Note that all the humor in his column thus far is written by somebody else.
Just once, I’d like to see a resume that included the line, “I can buttle with the best of them” in the experience section. I would seriously consider interviewing that person just to hear what qualifications it takes to properly buttle.
It's a joke, and the thing is a gag gift. Again, it's not funny to "mock" something that's meant as a joke to begin with.
When I mentioned to The Blonde Accountant that maybe she needed a new alarm clock and that this one might just be the ticket, she asked if Jeeves addressed women as well as men.
Why of course it does. If a website can think geek, it certainly should be able to think geekette as well.
Is it funny to add "ette" onto a word to make it feminine? Morsch apparently thinks so, because he does it every other entry.
Jeeves will awaken you — sir or madam — with a variety of phrases:
Note that once again, everything that follows is comedic material created by someone else.
— “I am delighted you have survived another night.”
— “I’m afraid the staff has absconded, sir/madam, and it is my day off. I trust it would not be too onerous, sir/madam, to make your own exquisitely sliced toast and perfectly cooked breakfast?”
— “Let us seize the day and take it roughly from behind, as the Colonel used to say in his unfortunate way.”
— “The rising and shining cannot be postponed indefinitely. Though shining is not compulsory in this intractable world, the rising eventually is.”
Did we really need FOUR quotes? I think we get it after, say, the first two.
For the record, I’m not sure an alarm clock that tried to wake me up by using the words absconded, onerous, compulsory and intractable would succeed where a marching band would fail.
Then why did he want to buy it?
Those fancy words are more suitable to awaken The Blonde Accountant, the more reserved and proper half of the marital equation and the one more likely to employ a butler when she wins the lottery. Not only does she get up before any rooster, she is not a menace to polite society and never will be, which is good because I’d hate to be married to someone just like me.
"Duhh, gee, I'm just a big bumblin' slob, and my wife's all prim and proper!" How many variations on this same joke have we suffered through over the months?
I’d be more apt to stir in the morning if the voice on my alarm clock was a drill sergeant, say like R. Lee Ermey and he said things like:
I'm hoping for at least five hilarious examples of what R. Lee Ermey would say.
— “Hey you snoring and slobbering bum, haul your keister out of bed right now before I bury my boot in your ear.”
— Yo jerkwagon, your undershorts are on fire and I’m about ready to open up a gas can on your behind.”
— “You gotta be bleepin’ me, you steaming pile of bear fur! What part of wake the bleep up don’t you understand?”
He missed a quotation mark in the second one. I like how he can only come up with three examples on his own, after he used four from the clock. He also stole "jerkwagon" from the recent Geico commercial in which Mr. Ermey says "jackwagon."
R. Lee Ermey would never say "undershorts" or "bear fur" (???) anyway.
Given that it’s the holiday season, the “Good Morning Sir Alarm Clock,” would have made a good gift this time of year had I thought ahead. While I usually do my holiday shopping for stupid gifts from my friends at stupid.com —
Shouldn't that be "stupid gifts FOR my friends"? Unless he's buying things for his friends to give to him...
where I can get the inflatable mooning Santa or the eggnog bubblegum — I can see that when shopping for that special someone next year, I should probably include thinkgeek.com on my list of places to shop. I’m sure The Blonde Accountant would much prefer something like the Star Trek Enterprise pizza cutter or the Screaming Monkey Slingshot rather than some bling from a stuffy old jewelry store.
Honestly, we're not going to get a single use of the phrase "pip-pip cheerio" or anything? This topic should really be bringing out his ethnocentric side.
You will note that when choosing gifts like the Starship Enterprise pizza cutter and the Screaming Monkey Slingshot, I did not violate the cardinal rule of Stupid Husband Shopping that states: “Buy no gift for your wife that has a cord.”
WaHOOOOOO! Yes! I was waiting for that next "dumb husband" joke, and here it is!
Which, I believe makes me a gentleman’s gentleman in the area of husband awareness. Now, if I can just learn how to buttle with the best of them.
And he finishes it off with yet another joke he took from the alarm clock.
Published: Tuesday, December 21, 2010
By Mike Morsch
Executive Editor
We all know what's coming - some hilarious riffs on British people, fancy words, nice suits, etc. I'm taking bets on whether he'll use the name "Jeeves" at any point.
An alarm clock is an annoying necessity. In fact, one alarm clock in the bedroom is not enough for The Blonde Accountant and me, it takes two alarm clocks, set about a minute apart, to get us moving in the morning.
The comma after "and me" needs to be a semicolon for this sentence to sound halfway correct.
When I say “us,” I mean “her.” Fortunately for me, I sleep like a dead rock. In general, it takes a yeoman’s effort from the fife and bugle corps of a marching band to get me to even roll over and snort in the morning.
This doesn't make sense either. He says it takes two alarm clocks to get "us" moving. Then he says that "us" means his wife... but then he says that's because he sleeps so soundly. So really, by "us" he means "him."
Assuming the neighbors would not take too kindly to a marching band parked on my front lawn every morning though, we opt for the two-alarm method.
And so, three paragraphs in, we've finally established how many alarms they use.
Frankly, I rarely hear the alarms anyway, but if I did, I don’t think I’d choose the standard buzz, ring or music options. However, I did happen across an alarm that in theory, I might like The Blonde Accountant to try, courtesy of the website thinkgeek.com.
Ah, yet another "Morsch finds an amusing item on the Internet" column. It's been too long.
It’s called the “Good Morning Sir Alarm Clock,” and for just a mere $69.99, she can be awakened by the “wonderfully dry and proper Englishman,” Stephen Fry, English actor and writer, reprising his role as “Jeeves,” the “gentleman’s gentleman.”
We are warned, though, not to call this alarm clock voice a butler, despite the fact that Jeeves “can buttle with the best of them.”
For those of you that bet on using the name "Jeeves" - nicely done. Note that all the humor in his column thus far is written by somebody else.
Just once, I’d like to see a resume that included the line, “I can buttle with the best of them” in the experience section. I would seriously consider interviewing that person just to hear what qualifications it takes to properly buttle.
It's a joke, and the thing is a gag gift. Again, it's not funny to "mock" something that's meant as a joke to begin with.
When I mentioned to The Blonde Accountant that maybe she needed a new alarm clock and that this one might just be the ticket, she asked if Jeeves addressed women as well as men.
Why of course it does. If a website can think geek, it certainly should be able to think geekette as well.
Is it funny to add "ette" onto a word to make it feminine? Morsch apparently thinks so, because he does it every other entry.
Jeeves will awaken you — sir or madam — with a variety of phrases:
Note that once again, everything that follows is comedic material created by someone else.
— “I am delighted you have survived another night.”
— “I’m afraid the staff has absconded, sir/madam, and it is my day off. I trust it would not be too onerous, sir/madam, to make your own exquisitely sliced toast and perfectly cooked breakfast?”
— “Let us seize the day and take it roughly from behind, as the Colonel used to say in his unfortunate way.”
— “The rising and shining cannot be postponed indefinitely. Though shining is not compulsory in this intractable world, the rising eventually is.”
Did we really need FOUR quotes? I think we get it after, say, the first two.
For the record, I’m not sure an alarm clock that tried to wake me up by using the words absconded, onerous, compulsory and intractable would succeed where a marching band would fail.
Then why did he want to buy it?
Those fancy words are more suitable to awaken The Blonde Accountant, the more reserved and proper half of the marital equation and the one more likely to employ a butler when she wins the lottery. Not only does she get up before any rooster, she is not a menace to polite society and never will be, which is good because I’d hate to be married to someone just like me.
"Duhh, gee, I'm just a big bumblin' slob, and my wife's all prim and proper!" How many variations on this same joke have we suffered through over the months?
I’d be more apt to stir in the morning if the voice on my alarm clock was a drill sergeant, say like R. Lee Ermey and he said things like:
I'm hoping for at least five hilarious examples of what R. Lee Ermey would say.
— “Hey you snoring and slobbering bum, haul your keister out of bed right now before I bury my boot in your ear.”
— Yo jerkwagon, your undershorts are on fire and I’m about ready to open up a gas can on your behind.”
— “You gotta be bleepin’ me, you steaming pile of bear fur! What part of wake the bleep up don’t you understand?”
He missed a quotation mark in the second one. I like how he can only come up with three examples on his own, after he used four from the clock. He also stole "jerkwagon" from the recent Geico commercial in which Mr. Ermey says "jackwagon."
R. Lee Ermey would never say "undershorts" or "bear fur" (???) anyway.
Given that it’s the holiday season, the “Good Morning Sir Alarm Clock,” would have made a good gift this time of year had I thought ahead. While I usually do my holiday shopping for stupid gifts from my friends at stupid.com —
Shouldn't that be "stupid gifts FOR my friends"? Unless he's buying things for his friends to give to him...
where I can get the inflatable mooning Santa or the eggnog bubblegum — I can see that when shopping for that special someone next year, I should probably include thinkgeek.com on my list of places to shop. I’m sure The Blonde Accountant would much prefer something like the Star Trek Enterprise pizza cutter or the Screaming Monkey Slingshot rather than some bling from a stuffy old jewelry store.
Honestly, we're not going to get a single use of the phrase "pip-pip cheerio" or anything? This topic should really be bringing out his ethnocentric side.
You will note that when choosing gifts like the Starship Enterprise pizza cutter and the Screaming Monkey Slingshot, I did not violate the cardinal rule of Stupid Husband Shopping that states: “Buy no gift for your wife that has a cord.”
WaHOOOOOO! Yes! I was waiting for that next "dumb husband" joke, and here it is!
Which, I believe makes me a gentleman’s gentleman in the area of husband awareness. Now, if I can just learn how to buttle with the best of them.
And he finishes it off with yet another joke he took from the alarm clock.
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
Surprise! Morsch Steals from Other Articles
Outta Leftfield
Published: Wednesday, June 16, 2010
By Mike Morsch
Roam on the range: Wandering yaks go from yuks to yuck
Right off the bat, I'll say that this is unacceptable. We didn't get a blog entry at all yesterday. What's up with you, Morsch? Too busy posting Twitter links to boring articles from your own newspaper?
I'm guessing Morsch has never seen a live yak outside of a zoo, so this must be about something he read or saw on TV. At first he will find how big and dumb they are amusing ("yuks") and will maybe compare them to himself; then they'll poop, or roll in the dirt, and it will turn to "yuck." Mark my words. [Editor's Note: Do not mark any of my words after "At first."]
If you’re planning a trip to Wyoming’s Big Horn Mountains anytime soon, you may consider delaying it for a bit because, well … the yaks are roaming.
He read about this on the Internet. Guaranteed.
That’s right, roaming yaks. And they’re just wandering around eating everybody’s grass and mating with the cows. No telling what could happen to your car if you’re out roaming around Wyoming gawking at the yaks.
Has he ever watched "Wild America," or even seen a nature show before? He's acting like dinosaurs are roaming the earth once again. They're just yaks.
According to a wire service story, John and Laura DeMatteis of Buffalo, Wyo., raise the yaks and sell them for their meat and wool on their 300-acre ranch called the “Yak Daddy Ranch.” They must be NBA fans.
Why? Sorry, I don't watch basketball. Is the phrase "Mac Daddy" exclusive to that sport or something? I'm guessing that's what he's referencing...
Yaks (Latin name: Bos grunniens)
Right away, I knew Morsch was looking this information up somewhere.
are long-haired animals of the bovine family usually found in the Himalayan region of South Central Asia. Herd animals, they are among the largest and wildest bovines
Hey, you know what you find when you type "yak" into Wikipedia?
The yak, Bos grunniens, is a long-haired bovine found throughout the Himalayan region of south Central Asia... Yaks are herd animals. They are among the largest wild bovids.
Wow. Morsch, you immense sack of yak crap. Do this in a college paper, and you get an "F". For the class. We'll return to the issue of rampant plagiarism later.
roaming around Wyoming during those times when former Vice President Dick Cheney (Latin name: Grumpius oldguyus) is not in the state.
Wow, Morsch hates Dick Cheney. This is the second disparaging reference to him in Outta Leftfield.
The wire service story reveals that local rancher Scott Rogers was at first yukking it up over the yaks. But now his grass is taking a beating and he worries that his cows will have to sleep with one eye open, so he has become unhappy with the situation.
Alright, we'll address the rampant plagiarism right now. Per the wire service story:
Cattle ranchers in the foothills of Wyoming's Big Horn Mountains are no longer yukking over a herd of yaks that keeps getting loose.
Morsch has used that "yukking" joke twice now - in the headline and in this paragraph. Not only is it incredibly lame, but he didn't even think of it himself. This disgusts me. Other than the Dick Cheney joke, there's not a sentence in this "column" that hasn't been stolen from somewhere else.
Local officials, of course, are doing what elected and appointed officials do, which in most cases consists of going out to the ranch, shaking their fists at the yaks and yelling, “Hey, you darn yaks, get off my lawn!”
Really? Normally such a joke would end with "which in most cases consists of raising taxes" or "which in most cases consists of passing a 2,000 page piece of legislation." Not "which in most cases consists of (insert something nobody would ever, ever do, ever)."
Elected officials also are considering an ordinance against “yaks at large.” I wasn’t sure what that meant, so I went to the local newspaper website, the Caspar Star-Tribune, for more information.
Okay, stop. Just stop. So now, after getting quotes from another news story and Wikipedia, we're looking up yet another news story to quote from.
At first, I did not find any additional information on what local officials meant by “yaks at large,” but I did find out that a community called Glenrock has an annual “Yak About Annual Fleece Crafts, Festival and Trade Show” that includes a barn dance and a barbecue, all for $14. Really, though, that type of entertainment is a bargain at any price.
Even better! We've stumbled upon an article that has absolutely nothing to do with anything!
The festival features alpacas, yaks and mini-donkeys on display as well as an antique tractor display. I am mildly disappointed to learn that there apparently is no “Yak Gawking” competition at this festival.
Why? Because those are "funny" words? And please, can we stick to the topic of the article, which is... what again?
Having spent a fair of amount of time in Iowa and rural Illinois as a lad, I am well familiar with barn dances and tractor displays and I quite enjoy both.
Does "well familiar" make sense?
In fact, there was a time in my life when I was the “Stomp Dance Champion of Wayne County” as determined by local American Legion officials. (I wish I was making that up.) As I recall, the dance competition was in conjunction with a Legion chili supper and I found myself a particularly inspired dancer after dinner, which enabled me and my dance partner to take the title.
I've written my own article: "I was reading the Bible. One verse said 'Jesus wept.' I wondered what he was crying about. Reading the rest of the chapter, I discovered he was crying about Lazarus. I cried one time, back in 1st grade, when we lost a kickball game. Turns out I was pretty good at kickball, but we lost anyway." Cut! Print!
Further research, though, indicates that the “yaks at large” dust-up between the DeMatteis and Mr. Rogers (Latin name: Nottheguyus withthesweatersus)
This "Latin name" thing is just a bottomless mine of comedic gold.
has political implications that go beyond the roaming yaks. It just so happens that Laura DeMatteis is a candidate for a state office.
Apparently Rogers and a couple of his rancher pals approached the county commissioners about the wandering yaks problem and the “yaks at large” ordinance passed, only to be overturned as the state statute cited applies only to dogs and cats.
Fairly interesting. But, at the same time, fairly boring.
Johnson County Commissioner Smokey Wildeman (Latin name: Dontmessius withthisguyus)
Morsch is just going to keep rolling with this, isn't he? Bonus points for actually making me smile with that one.
— who just sounds like a guy who should be in politics in the Big Horn Mountains of Wyoming —
I thought he sounded like a guy you don't want to mess with. Bonus points subtracted for being redundant.
said hold on thar pardner, the board cited the wrong statute because of a typographical error, and he thinks the commissioners are going to consider a revised “yaks at large” ordinance.
Ah, there's nothing more hilarious than the workings of local government!
Despite their tendency to yak, yak, yak without really saying anything at times, I cannot imagine any county commissioners in Southeastern Pennsylvania having to contend with the words “revised yaks at large ordinance.” I could be wrong about that, though, as we do have some rural areas here in Montgomery County and I believe I may have actually seen an alpaca or two on a farm out in the western part of the county.
Can he really expect anyone to laugh at "yak, yak, yak"?
We have a buffalo farm and an ostrich farm near my old home base of Souderton. I like how he says "out in the western part of the county," like he wants credit for being a great traveler or something.
As for the yaks themselves, they remain hungry and frisky but mostly silent on their roaming issue. They are not yakety yaks and as such, they don’t talk back.
Ah, and when you absolutely positively can't think of anything else... make a "clever" song reference to wrap it all up.
Published: Wednesday, June 16, 2010
By Mike Morsch
Roam on the range: Wandering yaks go from yuks to yuck
Right off the bat, I'll say that this is unacceptable. We didn't get a blog entry at all yesterday. What's up with you, Morsch? Too busy posting Twitter links to boring articles from your own newspaper?
I'm guessing Morsch has never seen a live yak outside of a zoo, so this must be about something he read or saw on TV. At first he will find how big and dumb they are amusing ("yuks") and will maybe compare them to himself; then they'll poop, or roll in the dirt, and it will turn to "yuck." Mark my words. [Editor's Note: Do not mark any of my words after "At first."]
If you’re planning a trip to Wyoming’s Big Horn Mountains anytime soon, you may consider delaying it for a bit because, well … the yaks are roaming.
He read about this on the Internet. Guaranteed.
That’s right, roaming yaks. And they’re just wandering around eating everybody’s grass and mating with the cows. No telling what could happen to your car if you’re out roaming around Wyoming gawking at the yaks.
Has he ever watched "Wild America," or even seen a nature show before? He's acting like dinosaurs are roaming the earth once again. They're just yaks.
According to a wire service story, John and Laura DeMatteis of Buffalo, Wyo., raise the yaks and sell them for their meat and wool on their 300-acre ranch called the “Yak Daddy Ranch.” They must be NBA fans.
Why? Sorry, I don't watch basketball. Is the phrase "Mac Daddy" exclusive to that sport or something? I'm guessing that's what he's referencing...
Yaks (Latin name: Bos grunniens)
Right away, I knew Morsch was looking this information up somewhere.
are long-haired animals of the bovine family usually found in the Himalayan region of South Central Asia. Herd animals, they are among the largest and wildest bovines
Hey, you know what you find when you type "yak" into Wikipedia?
The yak, Bos grunniens, is a long-haired bovine found throughout the Himalayan region of south Central Asia... Yaks are herd animals. They are among the largest wild bovids.
Wow. Morsch, you immense sack of yak crap. Do this in a college paper, and you get an "F". For the class. We'll return to the issue of rampant plagiarism later.
roaming around Wyoming during those times when former Vice President Dick Cheney (Latin name: Grumpius oldguyus) is not in the state.
Wow, Morsch hates Dick Cheney. This is the second disparaging reference to him in Outta Leftfield.
The wire service story reveals that local rancher Scott Rogers was at first yukking it up over the yaks. But now his grass is taking a beating and he worries that his cows will have to sleep with one eye open, so he has become unhappy with the situation.
Alright, we'll address the rampant plagiarism right now. Per the wire service story:
Cattle ranchers in the foothills of Wyoming's Big Horn Mountains are no longer yukking over a herd of yaks that keeps getting loose.
Morsch has used that "yukking" joke twice now - in the headline and in this paragraph. Not only is it incredibly lame, but he didn't even think of it himself. This disgusts me. Other than the Dick Cheney joke, there's not a sentence in this "column" that hasn't been stolen from somewhere else.
Local officials, of course, are doing what elected and appointed officials do, which in most cases consists of going out to the ranch, shaking their fists at the yaks and yelling, “Hey, you darn yaks, get off my lawn!”
Really? Normally such a joke would end with "which in most cases consists of raising taxes" or "which in most cases consists of passing a 2,000 page piece of legislation." Not "which in most cases consists of (insert something nobody would ever, ever do, ever)."
Elected officials also are considering an ordinance against “yaks at large.” I wasn’t sure what that meant, so I went to the local newspaper website, the Caspar Star-Tribune, for more information.
Okay, stop. Just stop. So now, after getting quotes from another news story and Wikipedia, we're looking up yet another news story to quote from.
At first, I did not find any additional information on what local officials meant by “yaks at large,” but I did find out that a community called Glenrock has an annual “Yak About Annual Fleece Crafts, Festival and Trade Show” that includes a barn dance and a barbecue, all for $14. Really, though, that type of entertainment is a bargain at any price.
Even better! We've stumbled upon an article that has absolutely nothing to do with anything!
The festival features alpacas, yaks and mini-donkeys on display as well as an antique tractor display. I am mildly disappointed to learn that there apparently is no “Yak Gawking” competition at this festival.
Why? Because those are "funny" words? And please, can we stick to the topic of the article, which is... what again?
Having spent a fair of amount of time in Iowa and rural Illinois as a lad, I am well familiar with barn dances and tractor displays and I quite enjoy both.
Does "well familiar" make sense?
In fact, there was a time in my life when I was the “Stomp Dance Champion of Wayne County” as determined by local American Legion officials. (I wish I was making that up.) As I recall, the dance competition was in conjunction with a Legion chili supper and I found myself a particularly inspired dancer after dinner, which enabled me and my dance partner to take the title.
I've written my own article: "I was reading the Bible. One verse said 'Jesus wept.' I wondered what he was crying about. Reading the rest of the chapter, I discovered he was crying about Lazarus. I cried one time, back in 1st grade, when we lost a kickball game. Turns out I was pretty good at kickball, but we lost anyway." Cut! Print!
Further research, though, indicates that the “yaks at large” dust-up between the DeMatteis and Mr. Rogers (Latin name: Nottheguyus withthesweatersus)
This "Latin name" thing is just a bottomless mine of comedic gold.
has political implications that go beyond the roaming yaks. It just so happens that Laura DeMatteis is a candidate for a state office.
Apparently Rogers and a couple of his rancher pals approached the county commissioners about the wandering yaks problem and the “yaks at large” ordinance passed, only to be overturned as the state statute cited applies only to dogs and cats.
Fairly interesting. But, at the same time, fairly boring.
Johnson County Commissioner Smokey Wildeman (Latin name: Dontmessius withthisguyus)
Morsch is just going to keep rolling with this, isn't he? Bonus points for actually making me smile with that one.
— who just sounds like a guy who should be in politics in the Big Horn Mountains of Wyoming —
I thought he sounded like a guy you don't want to mess with. Bonus points subtracted for being redundant.
said hold on thar pardner, the board cited the wrong statute because of a typographical error, and he thinks the commissioners are going to consider a revised “yaks at large” ordinance.
Ah, there's nothing more hilarious than the workings of local government!
Despite their tendency to yak, yak, yak without really saying anything at times, I cannot imagine any county commissioners in Southeastern Pennsylvania having to contend with the words “revised yaks at large ordinance.” I could be wrong about that, though, as we do have some rural areas here in Montgomery County and I believe I may have actually seen an alpaca or two on a farm out in the western part of the county.
Can he really expect anyone to laugh at "yak, yak, yak"?
We have a buffalo farm and an ostrich farm near my old home base of Souderton. I like how he says "out in the western part of the county," like he wants credit for being a great traveler or something.
As for the yaks themselves, they remain hungry and frisky but mostly silent on their roaming issue. They are not yakety yaks and as such, they don’t talk back.
Ah, and when you absolutely positively can't think of anything else... make a "clever" song reference to wrap it all up.
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