Email Scams = The Tea Party (Apparently)

Monday, September 27, 2010
Email scams? Must be an election year

Uh-oh - the reference to an election year makes me fear that this blog entry will be political in nature. I'm predicting at least one Sarah Palin reference.

It appears that I could be a millionaire several times over if only I would answer unsolicited correspondence from people I don’t know.

Woah, what's the deal with these email scams, huh? Prince of Nigeria, what's up with that? Did Morsch jump in a time machine and make this posting from the year 2002?

A flurry of emails from people with names like Mr. Nyejiowanaka Gogo, Mr. Bangu Mali and Mr. Kabore Umaru have informed me that all I need to do to collect is to provide all my personal information.

See, THEIR names are different than OUR names. Thus, they are hilarious.

Mr. Gogo — a creative enough name but it would have been more believable if he had called himself Mr. Whiskey A. Gogo or Mr. Wakemeupbeforeu Gogo —

We are officially back, people! Classic Morsch ethnocentrism on full display.

is particularly adamant about getting my name, cell phone number, age, sex, occupations, city and country. If I provide that information, I can take home 40 percent of $25 million that was left to him by a relative who died in a plane crash in 2000.

Is this a joke? He couldn't pick a topic more painfully dated if he tried.

Mr. Mali, on the other hand, went so far as to identify the relative in his email, one Andreas Schranner, who along with his wife died in what we left to assume must have been a different plane crash, this one on July 31, 2000.

Up next: Morsch does an in-depth analysis of the comedy of Mr. Jeff Foxworthy!

Neither Mr. Gogo nor Mr. Mali reveal the details of the aforementioned tragedy occurred.

This sentence doesn't make any sense. Where did the "occurred" come from?

(A Google search reveals that Mr. Schranner and his wife did perish in a tragic Concorde plane crash from Germany to New York that killed all 109 people aboard.)

While you're on Google, why don't you run a quick search for "things even remotely topical"?

But Mr. Mali, that shyster, is only offering 35 percent of $10.15 million.
Mr. Umaru is offering a 60/30 split on $10.8 million — again from the same plane crash — but is deducting the remaining 10 percent for his expenses. In addition to all the other personal information, he also wants my address.

Stop, you're killing me. The only way this could get even more gut-bustingly funny is if he printed each email, in its entirety, for us to enjoy.

And then there is Ms. Judy Jones, who would like to give me $1 million pounds from a United Kingdom National Lottery promotion. Ms. Jones isn’t asking for any personal information yet, but apparently I didn’t even have to buy a lottery ticket to win. The winner is chosen through a free email drawing.

Wow, he saw right through this one, didn't he?

These are all fun names being used on old email scams.

Wait, so what's his point? Is it the email scams themselves, or the "fun names" being used? What makes them "fun"?

But apparently some people think other people are stupid and gullible and that’s why these emails keep popping up. And with an election in November — which features a bevy of unqualified mopes and mopettes running for elected offices across several states who have been bamboozling the citizenry — they may just be right.

Aaaah, so we come to the crux of the issue... in the last paragraph. Several issues here:

1.) Urban Dictionary defines a "mope" as "a person of any race or culture that is presenting themselves as uneducated (either by mannerisms or the clothing they are wearing)." The grammar in that definition is so bad I suspect Morsch wrote it himself. That aside, his use of it doesn't make sense.

2.) The blog idea itself is preposterous. We all know you hate the Tea Party, Mr. Morsch.

3.) That Morsch thinks he can criticize anyone for a supposed lack of brains is actually the most amusing thing I've seen in this column. Ever.

Labels: Mike Morsch, Montgomery Newspapers, Outta Leftfield

And a brief Twitter bonus:

That right there folks is why you always take your ballglove to the game.
about 14 hours ago via web

The use of "ballglove" really pisses me off. Morsch loves to say "ballgame" and "ballpark" and such, but now "ballglove"? Where does it stop? Announcers do this too: "If they get another run they're right back in this ballgame." Gee, really? I know what game I'm watching, dumbass, and I know it involves a ball. Now stop it.