A Return to Form

Tuesday, September 21, 2010
Lassoing a pardner for the rodeo proves elusive

Possible future column titles for Morsch:

"Sticking fork into toaster proves to be a shocking experience"
"Throwing rocks at bee hive gets critics buzzing"
"Surprise prison rape really catches me with my pants down"

I guess there just aren’t many real cowboys or cowgirls in the East Coast contingent of my family.
The Liberty Pro Rodeo was in town last weekend, sponsored by the LuLu Shriners in Plymouth Meeting. I have attended events at LuLu in the past, like the circus, and the group puts on fine shows.

"Fine"? Oddly stingy with his praise, isn't he? Also, doesn't the credit really belong to the rodeo or circus and not the Shriners, who simply "sponsor" the show?

So I thought the rodeo would be a fun event for the family to attend. It’s not something we normally get an opportunity to do.

Morsch reminds me of Calvin's dad - something of a cloud-coocoolander whose idea of a good time is a 50-mile hike and camping out in a blizzard. "Hey kids, guess what I got for you?" "What? A new toy? Tickets to an amusement park?" "Close - tickets to the SHRINERS RODEO!"

See, I earned my cowboy chops growing up in the Midwest, where I once wore boots and a cowboy hat while serving as an usher at the wedding of a guy named Cletus, who was actually a rodeo cowboy for a time.

Count 'em - that's seven clauses in a single sentence.

So I’ve got outdoor arena cred.
“Hey, I’ve got tickets to the rodeo this weekend!” I announced to the family when I got home Friday evening from work.

The fictional scenario I presented above is becoming terribly, terribly accurate. I don't know what's worse - that he thinks such events might be fun, or that he takes such delight in how much his family hates them.

“Me, go to a rodeo? You’re out of your mind,” said The Blonde Accountant, restating a common malady of mine which should come as no surprise to her.

There must be some reason why these two humans married each other. If you have an idea what it might be, let me know. I would also like to note that there's nothing more annoying than a guy who constantly claims he's "crazy" or "nutty." If you have to say it all the time, you really aren't.

Criminny sakes, looks like I may have stepped in it.

Poop reference!

Daughter of Blonde Accountant was equally as adamant about not attending the rodeo. As it turned out, I had failed to take into consideration that the two people in the house who most consistently wear open-toed shoes might not want to be in the vicinity where the bulls and horses roam.

Second poop reference! I don't think that his "in the vicinity where the" is correct, either.

I think Son of Blonde Accountant would have gone with me to the rodeo, but with all the dirt and leather, he would have done so expecting that a ballgame would have broken out at some point in the proceedings.

And a baseball reference! Morsch really, really likes baseball games "breaking out" and the phrase "the proceedings." Does anyone automatically equate "dirt and leather" with baseball? I would think, you know, bats and balls and such. But what do I know.

The tickets were also offered to Older Daughter, who was born in Illinois and who I believe has at least seen a horse and a bull, but she was unavailable for the weekend. Younger Daughter, who has got a little country in her as well, passed on the tickets without comment. Apparently the aroma of fresh rodeo is not enough to entice a teenager to give up a Saturday night.

"Unavailable for the weekend"... I've used that one myself. I'm starting to think that Morsch will be heading to the rodeo alone. Don't feel bad - he brought it on himself.

Alas, there were no takers and I had to eat the tickets. Now I’ve got a build-up of unused “yee-has!” and no appropriate venue at which to unload them.

This man once wrote an entire column about shouting "yee-ha" - I'll have to dig it out of the archives. I'm reasonably sure that I'm the only one of his readers who gets all of these shout-outs to himself.

Surely there’s an upcoming tractor pull within driving distance in my future?

Did he ever make it to the rodeo? Don't leave us hanging like this!

I loved this one. We've got the usual elephantine sentences. We've got baseball coming out of nowhere and an odd focus on manure. We've got weird little call-backs to his own columns. Could it be that our man is finally back in action?

Labels: Liberty Pro Rodeo, Lulu Shriners, Mike Morsch, Montgomery Newspapers, Outta Leftfield

September 21, 2010 - the day that Morsch actually uses labels correctly.