One Joke per Column

Outta Leftfield: Oh, I wish I was an Oscar Mayer Wienermobile driver
Published: Tuesday, September 28, 2010
By Mike Morsch
Executive Editor

This is the second known column that will seemingly focus on the subject of hot dogs. It will, I presume, include many weiner-related puns.

New this week on the “Outta Leftfield” blog, “E-mail scams? Must be an election year.” You can also now follow Mike on Facebook and Twitter @Mmorsch35.

Yes, yes, I know all about that. This is a clever new strategy for Morsch, using his print column to cross-advertise his blog.

After months of reflecting and soul-searching, I have finally decided what I want to be when I grow up: the driver of the Oscar Mayer Wienermobile.

Good choice, since you're obviously not qualified for your current position.

Where else could I get a job that includes the spilling of mustard on one’s shirt as part of the job description? Why, as proficient as I am at that, I’d be a shoo-in for the title of “Commodore of the Wienermobile” in no time. There must be a cool hat and blazer that comes with that title.

When making a list of things that never grow old, you'd have to include comedienne Betty White, anyone who carries the One Ring, and the highly amusing "I spill mustard on myself" gag!

When I mentioned to my Facebook friends that I’d like to take a one-year hiatus from my real job to drive the Wienermobile around, they were quite supportive:

Lisa: “It would be a perfect job for you!”

Agreed.

Ann: “Start the legal paperwork to change your name to Frank.”

Why not Oscar? Why not Frank N. Furter? Come on, Ann!

Dan: “Why only a year? This may be your calling.”

Lynne: “Perfect for the man with the cocktail weenie recipe.”

I hope Lynne's isn't a double entendre. I really hope it isn't.

Larry: “I’ll bring the kraut and cheese in an 18-wheeler and drive behind you.”

... Okay.

Turns out that driving the Wienermobile isn’t so far-fetched after all. The folks at Oscar Mayer — in addition to having one of the most recognizable jingles in the history of advertising — have for years recognized the attraction of the Wienermobile. It’s been around since 1936, designed initially to promote the company’s products at supermarkets in the Midwest.

Shockingly, this information was NOT taken word-for-word from Wikipedia.

According to its website, as the company grew, the Wienermobile traveled coast to coast until 1970. I don’t ever recall seeing it in person, but I must have at one time because I remember having one of those little wiener whistles as a kid. I think the only way back then to get the whistle was to have visited the Wienermobile when it came to your town.

Ah, there we go - it was taken word-for-word from the Wienermobile website. I think I speak for all of us when I demand, "Where are the penis jokes?" Come on!

On its 50th anniversary in 1986, the Wienermobile went on tour again and has been on the road ever since. I would think that in addition to the 18-wheeler filled with sauerkraut and Cheese Whiz as suggested by my friend Larry, the Wienermobile caravan must include a pace car as well, something like a Volkswagen Beetle called the “Cocktail Weeniemobile.” Just a thought, in case the Oscar Mayer people haven’t already considered the idea.

Morsch once devoted an entire column to the fact that he loves cocktail weenies (a.k.a. pigs in a blanket). It was as annoying as it sounds, and almost as dumb as this one.

(Editor’s note: Turns out there already is something called a “Mini Wienermobile,” 15 feet long and built on a mini Cooper S chassis that has a horn that plays the Oscar Mayer jingle. Drat. I really wanted to be the first one to come up with the “Cocktail Weeniemobile” idea.)

Well, you were. I mean, "Mini" isn't the same thing as "cocktail." You actually had a semi-original idea there - don't beat yourself up too much.

The Wienermobile itself — which the company says measures 55 hotdogs long, 25 hotdogs high and 18 hotdogs wide — has a custom-made fiberglass hotdog and bun resting on a Chevrolet W4 Series chassis.

You know what the ancient Greeks defined "comedy" as? "The endless repetition of purportedly zany facts and details." I'm paraphrasing, but I think that was it.

Inside it has a hotdog shaped instrument panel; seating for six in mustard and ketchup-colored seats; exterior rearview cameras; a gull-wing door; mustard-splattered walkway; removable bun roof; state-of-the-art audio center with wireless microphone system; and blue sky ceiling art.

Did I miss the joke? I think I missed the joke. Let me read that paragraph again... no, no I don't think I missed it.

And one can apply to be what the company calls a “hotdogger,” which is someone who travels the country in the Wienermobile serving as a goodwill ambassador for Oscar Mayer.

My fingers are tingling - he must be building up to a tremendous burst of humor here somewhere.

To be a hotdogger, the company is looking for people who: have a college degree in journalism, public relations, communications, advertising or marketing; can represent the company in newspaper and television interviews and at grocery stores and charity functions; have a big appetite for travel and adventure; and be a people person.

AHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Oh my gosh... oh my gosh... That was great. Hoo boy. Let me calm down a second here.

I believe I qualify in all those areas and as an experienced mustard-spiller — evidenced by the signed and notarized affidavit from my dry cleaners that I carry around affirming such — I think that would give me a leg up on all the other wannabe hotdoggers.

Stop! Stop! I can't breathe! If I see another variation of that "spilling mustard" joke I'm going to rupture a lung!

Of course, getting clearance from the tower — i.e. The Blonde Accountant and my boss — to take a year off from real life to drive the Wienermobile across the country for a year could be problematic.

I'll say it will! Those "squares" will never understand your wacky sense of humor, Morsch - but don't let them change you! Keep on truckin'!

Check out the "take a year off... for a year." That's not just quality writing - that's Morsch Quality.

Certainly I would never venture out on this journey without my wife riding shotgun in the Wienermobile because I know it would be an experience that she would enjoy and treasure forever.

I suspect that there's a sly, subtle sense of sarcasm at work here.

Something tells me, though, that the mustard-spilling portion of my resume isn’t going to be enough to overcome those two obstacles.

And just when you think you're safe - BOOM, he hits us with ANOTHER mustard-spill joke! Surely, surely that must be it. I mean, to base an entire column on repeating a single joke four times... that would just be too much, wouldn't it?

Still, given the criteria for being a hotdogger and Wienermobile driver, my experience speaks for itself. In fact, I’m pretty sure I can pass muster on this.

Or in this case, pass mustard.

Hmmm, mustard... where have I heard that before?