Victory?

They don't make Outta Leftfield like they used to.

This blog began out of a sense that a great injustice was being perpetrated on the reading public. There was an editor whose own writing skills were abominable; there was a humor columnist whose comedy consisted mainly of tired cliche and Three Stooges references. Like the Joker wondering how a man dressed as a bat can get all of his press, I wondered how a man with such an obvious, horrifying lack of talent could possibly be published.

Thus Inta Rightfield was born. And I've gotten a lot of enjoyment out of it. Since March of 2010 I have made 168 posts, most of them dealing with the Patron Saint of Poor Local Journalism, Mike "Borsch" Morsch. From his terrible article about baseball cards to his constant harping on local concerts, Borsch has provided me and my twos and threes of readers with near-endless unintentional enjoyment. My ultimate goal: to crush him - to deflate his obviously rampaging ego - with the knowledge of how truly mediocre his own talents are.

For over a year, Borsch has made it easy. It's hard not to take pleasure in critiquing a man so obviously pompous, opinionated and incompetent. Check on these paragraphs, for example:

It was around 11:30 p.m. Wednesday when The O’Jays broke into one of the group’s biggest hits, “Love Train.” Given the lateness of the concert, a half hour later and that song could have easily turned into “Midnight Train to Georgia” for those of us who were still awake at that hour.

Go ahead and read through that again. Just savor how absolutely horrible that second sentence is. Honestly, could he have phrased that any more clumsily and confusingly?

But that took nothing away from a show that served up a good portion of “Philly soul” as we knew it in the 1970s, with a dose of Motown worked in for good measure Wednesday at the Mann Center for the Performing Arts in Philadelphia.

Writing that bad takes real effort. But now the well seems to be running dry.

Case in point: his October 11th blog piece called "It's nice to be nice to the nice," which extolled the virtues of Penn State fans at a recent football game. Like most of his recent efforts, it didn't make much of an attempt to be clever or funny. It was just the boring story of Borsch going to a game and thinking the fans were friendly. He didn't even take the opportunity for an obvious "Happy Valley/Happy Dance" comparison.

And then there's his latest official column, entitled "Wrestlers join business in effort to put headlock on dreaded disease." First of all, why would he choose "headlock"? If he's the wrestling fan he claims to be, he should know that this dreaded disease could break out of such a hold with three quick elbows to the midsection. Second, in MS Word, the column takes up 17.5 inches of space. Only 6.5 inches (37%) relate to the actual subject. The remaining 63% of the article is a story about a young Borsch reporting on a wrestling match.

So the Borsch state of the union is: sluggish production. Few attempts at comedy. Jejune topics. A curious avoidance of his popular writing crutches ("men are dumb" topics, hot dog references, Hall and Oates, etc).

My conclusion? I've gotten to him. I've tagged his annoying writing tics so accurately that he's trying to get by without them. Unfortunately for him, without his Three Stooges and his spilling things and his "yuks," he's got nothing. So when he does manage to crank something out, it's a thinly-disguised advertisement for local football or a pathetic washed-up celeb puff piece.

So, for the time being, I'm going to declare this little project a success and sign off. But rest assured - should the forces of Borsch rise again to cast a shadow over the heart of the Delaware Valley... call me.

I'll be there.

For those interested, a summary of the main Inta Rightfield labels is below:

112 - Outta Leftfield
37 - Unnecessary Baseball References
36 - Twitter Posts
26 - Not Really a Column
19 - Men are Dumb
13 - Attending a Concert
13 - Poor Journalism
13 - Beer
12 - Gracious Celebs
11 - Poop
10 - Elaborate Made-Up Titles
8 - The Three Stooges
8 - Dumb Politics
8 - Yuks
7 - Hot Dogs
6 - Spilling Things
5 - Mustard
3 - Hall and Oates
3 - Rampant Plagiarism
2 - Bad Breath
2 - Seven Kinds of Something
1 - Made-Up Holidays (I must have missed some of these)

GENIUS!

Souderton continues discussion on creating recreation board to oversee pool
Published: Thursday, September 15, 2011
By Emily Morris

Souderton Borough Council continues to mull over the option of creating a recreation board to look at overseeing its parks, and primarily its new pool.

“I think if we’re going to create a recreation board, then we at least have to give it some guidelines as to what this recreation board does,” Souderton Mayor John Reynolds said.

Wow. Such depth! Such... such substance! Why is this man not writing Civics textbooks? I think his talents are being squandered.

Tuesday, September 6, 2011
S-F football night all about community

Like every recent entry by Borsch, this post was short and didn't even try to be funny. Here's the concept:

One doesn’t have to like football to enjoy high school football night. That’s because in many towns, it’s about more than just football, it’s about community.

Get it? It's all about community. Let's see some examples of the great community spirit that Borsch experienced at ye olde Spring-Ford High School football game:

I’ve always enjoyed the atmosphere, the band, the cheerleaders, and the mascot. Spring-Ford’s mascot — Rowdy Ram — is particularly entertaining this year, interacting with fans, especially the younger children.

Hold up, son - a mascot that interacts with FANS and CHILDREN??? What a novel concept! This qualifies the Rowdy Ram as a gracious celeb.

And I’ve always loved the band.

"Here's a list of the things I liked: atmosphere, band, cheerleaders, mascot. Also, I liked the band." Borsch then talks about his own high school band and mentions Dan Fogelberg.

...The cheerleaders, of course, also help complete the experience...

Kinda already covered that.

All in all, high school football night is a great way to get a relatively low-cost evening of entertainment. But more importantly, it provides a wonderful sense of community, the benefits of which one can’t put a price on.

Tell me - what "sense of community" did he describe for us? He heard the band, saw a mascot, and watched cheerleaders. You could do all of these things while watching a game on television by yourself. Where was this wonderful atmosphere? What delightful characters did he interact with in the stands? What we have here is Borsch not having any ideas for a column, so he slaps some BS about "community" onto the boring story of his trip to a high school football game. Pulitzer Prize, here he comes!

Did I mention you should go out and see Rowdy Ram? The youngster in the suit is a hoot.

... Okay.

Grammar

mmorsch35 Well, that sweep pretty much buries the Braves, huh? Whose next? Brewers? OK.
about 11 hours ago

"Whose next?" [my emphasis] This post is definitive evidence that Borsch is at least as good a writer as 90% of YouTube commenters.

Pool Update: I'm so Right it Hurts

I published a post on May 6, 2010, entitled "Pre-emptive Promise Breaking." Take a gander at these paragraphs from a news story published about the budget for the new Souderton Pool. The original budget was $2 million, with a $500K "emergency" loan (story in bold, my comments in italics):

“It’s our responsibility to not tap into that half million,” [Council President Brian] Goshow said.

Councilman Steven Toy echoed Goshow’s statements, and has no plans to use the money for the pool project unless it is absolutely necessary.

“I don’t hear anybody saying they want to use that money,” Toy said. “It’s contingency. That’s all it is.”

Prediction: Souderton will use the extra $500,000. All of it. If not more. They'll blow through it like a hooker through dope.

I wrote that over a year ago. Now check out this story from The Reporter newspaper, by Emily Morris:

The borough has exhausted its $2 million construction loan for the pool, Coll said, and is on track to be right on budget for the $3 million total projected cost.

Uh-oh... but if the original budget was $2 million...

There is currently $308,000 due to the prime contractors on the project, and Coll said he was filing reports with Univest Bank and Trust Co. this week to use the $500,000 contingency fund to pay those bills.

Gee, what a surprise, right? Shocking! So they ran through the $2 million, they're using the "emergency" $500K to pay off contractors, and they racked up ANOTHER $500,000 BEYOND THAT. I mean, I hate to be one of those people who say "I called it!" but... I pretty much called it.

Also note the fact that the professional journalist who wrote this latest story didn't even bother to look back and call out the political hacks in Souderton for breaking their word.

New "Outta Leftfield" Subject: Baseball

Friday, August 12, 2011
Kruk, Williams solidify 'character' personas

We may have discussed how to swing a bat, we may have discussed going to a Yankess game, and we may have discussed Hunter Pence... but I never would have guessed that Borsch would pull this topic out of his hat! BASEBALL!

Remember those two old guy muppets on “The Muppet Show” — their names are Statler and Waldorf — who heckled the rest of the cast from the balcony, then yukked it up at their own jokes?

"Yukked." We're off to a roaring start.

Well, meet the modern-day Statler and Waldorf — Mitch Williams and John Kruk, mainstays of the 1993 Philadelphia Phillies squad that lost the World Series to the Toronto Blue Jays when Williams gave up a series-ending home run to Joe Carter. (Boo-boo, hiss-hiss.)

This is an idiotic statement in several ways. First off, Statler and Waldorf watched someone else's act and mocked it. So unless Williams and Kruk are watching a game and making fun of the players, the comparison doesn't even work. Second, they're making a Muppets movie right now. I'm pretty sure Statler and Waldorf will be in it. Statler and Waldorf are the modern-day Statler and Waldorf, not two untalented talking heads.

Put microphones in front of these two, sit back and prepare to be entertained.

Well hey, they're not Dennis Miller, after all. What is it, Borsch, no remarks about how much fatter Kruk is than you would expect? Maybe you could say they weren't quite as amusing as you had hoped?

They’ve known each other for a long time. Both talk baseball for a living now — Kruk for ESPN’s “Baseball Tonight” and Williams for MLB Network — and both are real characters.

What does one sentence have to do with the other? "These guys are old friends. Here are their jobs."

Kruk in particular has that “grumpy old guy” thing down, even though he’s only 50 years old. You expect him to shout, “Hey you kids, get off my lawn!” at any moment.

Ah, that's the first time we've heard that joke! Really, Borsch, if you're going to call yourself a "humor columnist," you should really have more than one joke per subject. "Old guys? Reference 'getting off lawn' joke." Comedy gold!

During their playing careers, neither Kruk nor Williams was all that fond of answering questions from reporters. But I happened to be standing next to former Phillies pitcher Tommy Greene while Kruk and Williams answered questions from the audience during that part of the festivities.

Again, how do these two sentences relate??? "They don't like answering questions. But I stood next to some guy." Is he writing this column on morphine or something?

Here's an example of the absolutely side-splitting riffs that these two comedic geniuses go off on. Move over, Don Rickles!

“Joe Carter is one of those rare right-handed hitters who likes the ball down and in,” Williams told the crowd. “I knew that, so that pitch was supposed to be up and away.”
“Missed by just a little bit, huh?” Kruk added.

"Added" really isn't the appropriate verb, there. And I'm sure they haven't had that exact same exchange 6,578 other times during public appearances.

Har-har-hardy-har-har. These guys should add a drummer to their act just for the rim shots.

Why, because they had one "funny" exchange? I love how we're supposed to buy their modern-day Statler and Waldorf credentials based on this one quote.

Blue collar guys for a blue collar city. They should never have to buy another beer in this town for as long as they live.

Aaaaaand slam on the breaks! Post's over. He goes from saying how hilarious they are, to providing one example of said hilarity, to saying that they should get free beers for life. Mr. Borsch, as always, is earning his pay.

Dare We Call This a Triple-Header?

OUTTA LEFTFIELD: Learning the physics of extension with a swivel chair and tripod
Published: Tuesday, August 02, 2011
By Mike Morsch
Executive Editor

Several new supremely uninteresting offerings from the King of Komedy, Michael Morsch. Highlights from the first one:

Any discussion of physics usually puts me to sleep. But add to that a swivel chair, a video camera tripod and a hotel room at 2:30 a.m. in Lakewood, N.J., and the physics discussion becomes immediately more entertaining … until I fall asleep.

This sounds like the plot of a bad porno film.

It’s not exactly easy to find oneself in a hotel room in the middle of New Jersey listening to someone go on about the physics of hitting a baseball. These kinds of things happen to me because, essentially, I am a big galoot who hangs around with like-minded knuckleheads.

Badabing! We've got baseball, and we've got words like "galoot" and "knuckleheads." Borsch talks about an old friend name John who sounds at least as unamusing as our favorite editor himself, and states that he is a bona fide purveyor of bull puckey. Google suggests that you spell it "bullpucky," but hey, I'm not one to nitpick.

Well, it turns out John is interested in (surprise!) baseball. Did I mention John is bald? I hope you think that's funny, because it's the only joke there is. Borsch also uses the terms "ballgame" and "ballplayers."

Monday, August 1, 2011
A Connecticut Yankee road trip

Branching out into new territory, Borsch decides to focus this effort on the game of baseball. He disguises it as a "precious moments with my daughter"-type post, but watch what Borsch rambles on about:

Our seats in Yankee Stadium ended up being a few rows behind and a few seats over from where Derek Jeter’s 3,000th hit landed in the leftfield bleachers a few weeks ago. The Yankees’ captain was the first Yankee to reach 3,000 career hits — not Ruth, not Gehrig, not DiMaggio, not Mantle. So Jeter’s accomplishment is a pretty big deal for a franchise that’s experienced a lot of pretty big deals in its existence.

Then later, when they actually get to the University of Hartford: Notable UHART graduates include the singer Dionne Warwick and Houston Astros retired first baseman Jeff Bagwell. Really?

He talks about visiting the home of Mark Twain and tries to impress us by telling us that this was merely his pen name. Gee, such arcane knowledge! Next he'll be telling us Muhammad Ali was just a stage name, too. He says he is "a writer of substantially less note" than Twain. This officially qualifies as the understatement of the millenium. I'm not the biggest Twain fan there is, but the thought of Borsch defiling that house with his presence sickens me.

Monday, August 1, 2011
Right field 'Pence-syl-mania'

Borsch's mind is always striving to expand and improve his art. Witness this column, which delves into the heretofore untouched realm of baseball! Here - not showing any discomfort at exploring such unfamiliar territory - he discusses the arrival of outfielder Hunter "The Mantis" Pence.

Let me pause a moment to say that Borsch is not only a bad writer - he's a cowardly hypocrite as well. A mere seven days ago, he had this to say on his Twitter account: I don't know this guy who the Eagles signed and could care less. And Hunter Pence just isn't that good.

But a mere 24 hours later, he directed this Twitter comment to Pence himself: Welcome to Philly. Will be there tonight in rightfield to greet you.

I hope you greet him with only the mildest applause because, you know, he's just not that good.

[Pence] reacted to the attention by waving to the faithful, tipping his cap a couple of times and turning to acknowledge the fans several times during the game.

Woah, a gracious celeb! Who would have thought? Showing that he is, as always, the consummate writer, Borsch follows that sentence with this one:

Pence wears his pants high, to show a lot of red sock. It’s a good look for him.

First: what the hell? And second: saying someone "wears his pants high" makes you think he has the waistline up around the ribcage, not that he just rolls his socks way up. And suddenly Borsch, the man whose lack fashion sense has fueled many a column, knows what a "good look" for anyone is?