Monkeys could do Better

My parents received a letter in the mail. It was so bad that Mike Morsch could have done a better job. Some highlights are below.

Dear Friends and Neighbors of Souderton Community Pool,

Neighbors of the Pool? So this is only going to people who live right next to it? I see what they're going for - "Friends and Neighbors" - but honestly...

The response was outstanding...in a poor economy and in a small town; many steps were achieved together as a team in unison.

Terrible, terrible use of a semicolon. How redundant is that last part? "We did things together all at once simultaneously!"

The next step of this campaign is focused on raising the rest of the money to reach the ultimate goal necessary to open the newly renovated pool by Memorial Day, 2011.

Ouch. Tortured. One would think that raising the money IS the ultimate goal; 1.) raise money, 2.) open pool. But the way the sentence is written, it sounds like there's a hidden mystery step somewhere. 1.) Raise money, 2.) Reach ultimate goal, 3.) Open pool.

The committee is looking for other financial help, but we also hope to receive more financial support from community individuals and local organizations like you - it is that simple!

Wow! What? They're basically saying (poorly): "We want money - that's it!" Here are a few of the features they advertise:

Toddler Pool with raindrops of fun - ... Why "raindrops of fun"? That makes no sense. Nothing - not even fun - is measured in raindrops.

Giant Super Slide - Ooh, Super Fun Happy Slide!

Deeper Diving Well - This does not need to be capitalized - especially since a few points later, they write "Community room." Sloppy.

Enlarged Gals & Guys locker rooms - "Gals"? Are we 1960's youths all of a sudden? What happened to "Mens' and Womens'"?

Souderton's history has grown a hundred-fold since its early charter in 1887

This is laughably bad. Our history has grown a hundred-fold? That's a little slow, considering 1887 was 124 years ago. We're almost a quarter century behind! Or do they mean the town has grown a hundred-fold?

and the borough's success

So just to keep a consistent style - "Deeper Diving Well" is capitalized, "borough" is not. Atrocious.

cannot stop because of lack of pool funding...our community and especially, our kids, families, and seniors need a summertime pool for recreational and competitive swimming.

This is hilariously terrible. "Our community, and especially every single group that makes up the community, needs this!" Also, it should be "Our community... needs," NOT "Our community...need." The comma should come after "community," not "especially." Dear goodness.

In addition, a community pool makes an exciting drawing card to families looking to move into the Souderton area.

This is like watching a toddler try to talk. You know what they're trying to say even if they just can't find the words. A "drawing card"?

Fundraiding chair, Jeff Gross at 215.450.0950 would be happy to speak to you as well as Mike Coll, Souderton Borough manager, about the progress of the pool or giving opportunities. Mike's contact phone number is 215.723.4371.

Who wrote this??? A 9th-grader could put together a more cogent sentence.

How it's written: Jeff Gross will speak with you and Mike Coll about the pool.
What they meant: Jeff Gross or Mike Coll will speak with you about the pool.

The comma after "chair" makes no sense. "Contact phone number"? That's like saying "home location address."

Swimming is a lifetime sport for all ages!

Baseball is an American sport for all Americans!

Please send a gift today of whatever you can afford to bring the dreams of hope to thousands of people of Indian Valley...children, teenages, adults and seniors alike.

Yes, that's right: "thousands of people of Indian Valley." Is the person who wrote this an utter retard? Did they proofread? How ridiculously dramatic is it to suggest that you will bring "dreams of hope" to "thousands" with a donation? Ah yes, the "dream of hope" of all people - a pool with a Giant Super Slide!

With many thanks, John R. Reynolds, Mayor of Souderton

Well, that answers a lot of my questions. Congrats, Souderton! You must be glad to know you're represented by such an intellectual heavyweight.