Borsch says "Dadgummed," makes Latin name joke... AGAIN

OUTTA LEFTFIELD: Botanical enthusiasts dying to get a whiff of rare ‘Corpse Flower’
Published: Wednesday, April 27, 2011
By Mike Morsch

Borsch warned us that this column is "R-rated." Does this mean he'll refer to poop? Use a swear word other than "dadgummed"? This will obviously turn out to be one of those "odd story I read on the Internet" columns.

The botanists among us certainly know how to have a good time when it comes to plant watching, and apparently it’s nothing like watching a NASCAR race. I wouldn’t know for sure, though, because I am neither a botanist nor a redneck, although given my Midwestern roots, the jury is still out on the latter designation.

Well, we got the obligatory reference to growing up in Illinois out of the way quickly. What the heck is with the NASCAR reference? Who would compare plant watching to auto racing?

According to various wire service reports, more than 10,000 folks flocked to the Swiss city of Basel and the Basel Botanical Gardens last weekend to watch a big, stinky flower bloom for the first time in its 17-year-life.

And there you have it, folks - the ever-popular "wire service story." The NASCAR reference now makes even less sense, since the story takes place in Switzerland.

I can only surmise that there was nothing else to do last weekend in Switzerland and that the rest of the country was taking a nap, much like the flower itself has been doing the past 17 years.

Oooh, "surmise." Someone got a word-of-the-day calendar for Easter.

The plant is called Titan Arum (Amorphophallus titanum), more commonly referred to as the “Corpse Flower” because as it blooms, it gives off a Major League pee-you that is said to be a cross between rotting cheese and rotting flesh.

Alright, "pee-you" is the last way I would choose to spell that. Google it (in the privacy of your own home). There is sure to be a Latin joke in here somewhere. I'm also counting the use of "Major League" as an unnecessary baseball reference.

The female Corpse Flowers are not very keen on this, which might explain why the plants only bloom every 17 years.

Really, who ever told this man he was funny? I know it's pointless to ask at this point... but still.

So if you’re a Swiss botanist, you have to get your ducks in a row when it comes to scheduling your flower-watching entertainment opportunities as the window is pretty small for the Corpse Flower.

Not only that, but the plant has another distinguishing quality that may attract some people — and it’s at this point in the column that the more sensitive among you may want to cover one eye as you read because it’s R-rated — in that it’s shape is, uh … familiar.

Oh boy.

The genus name “Amorphophallus” is Greek and means “shapeless phallus.” The species name “titanum” means “extremely large.”

You get the picture. See, I told you those botanists (Notasboringus asweappearis) know how to throw a plant-watching party.

There it is! Come on, Mr. Morsch - you used the exact same "hilarious Latin name" thing in your last column. I know you have to try and be funny every single week, but come up with something new, huh?

An Internet search of the weekend festivities reveals a video of the big event, which shows the plant in all its glory surrounded by a bunch of gawkers. There is even a time-lapse portion in the video of the actual blooming, which I thought was about the most interesting part of the whole kit and caboodle, although I didn’t see anybody holding their nose.

"Anybody" does not go with "their." And how would somebody holding his nose have made it more interesting? I love how Borsch's life is so boring that he resorts to random Internet stories for his material.

One of the honchos at the Botanical Institute at the University of Basel, a fellow by the name of Hans Schneider, is quoted as saying: “It [the Titan Arum] is the best thing you can have at a botanical garden. It’s the star attraction. In terms of visitor numbers, we’re at our peak. From now on, fewer and fewer people will visit.”

It just occurred to me that Borsch is mocking something that drew ten thousand - TEN THOUSAND - people, and yet he has been raving on Twitter about the upcoming (big surprise) Three Stooges convention. Let's compare the turnout for the two events, shall we?

I guess viewing the Corpse Flower in bloom is the equivalent of a one-night stand in the botanical world.

...I guess. Again, in Borsch World, flower watching = NASCAR, and the Corpse Flower = a one-night stand. Everybody got that straight?

The Titan Arum is native to the Indonesian Island of Sumatra. Because it is so difficult to cultivate, there have been only 134 worldwide recorded blooms from artificial cultivation of the plant. The last one to bloom in Switzerland did so 75 years ago. And yes, somebody must really keep track of such things to come up with an exact number of 134.

Yeah, because making this flower bloom evidently takes a massive amount of talent. You know, sir, talent? The thing you'll never, ever have?

I don’t think the Swiss, long known for their cheeses and banks, should really add big, stinky blooming plants to the list of attractions in the travel brochures if the dadgummed flowers are only going to make big, stinky appearances once every 75 years or so.

And we have our weekly "dadgummed." Time to get some new words. At this point, will there be any other "joke" in the column other than pointing out that this flower smells bad?

But tourists aren’t the main target of the plant. Although the Corpse Flower remains a bit of a mystery to botanists — at least as much of a mystery as what passes for entertainment on the weekends in Basel — the theory is that the big stinkaroo that the plant produces is what attracts the insects that the plant needs to pollinate.

Okay, so two jokes: this flower smells bad, and flowers in general are boring. How many years in a row has he attended the Stooges convention again? Glass houses, etc.

The corpse-smelling loving critters burrow into the stem that houses the flower and then become trapped by the plant’s pollen, which means they didn’t have anything better to do last weekend either. They are forced to inhale the yuckiness — or hold their breath for a few hours — until the flower dies, at which point the insect chieftains holler, “Hey, will somebody please roll down the window!” The insects then break out of the dead stem and some of them immediately head down to the corner drug store for air fresheners while the others go about their business of pollinating.

Again, exactly two jokes in this paragraph: (1) the flower smells bad, and (2) the flower is boring. Can we move on? Oh, wait, it's the end of the column.

Now the world has to wait who knows how long for the next Corpse Flower to bloom. And if you ask the botanists, I’m guessing they think that’s the thing that really stinks about this plant.

Ho ho. Very clever. I mean, it's not like you've already pointed out that the flower smells, right? It's not like that final pun was incredibly obvious and lame, right? The most frightening thing about watching Borsch for so long is that he's not even improving. He still writes as poorly and lazily as he did over a year ago. If anything, he's getting dumber and lazier as time goes on.