Published: Tuesday, April 19, 2011
By Mike Morsch
Executive Editor
ZANY! So the "joke" will be that a lizard was on his face. You know how late-show hosts will have animals on the show and pretend to be scared or disgusted by them? Imagine Borsch trying to do that.
Now here’s a dilemma: What do you say to your boss when she hits you with, “Do you want to get a dragon put on your face?”
Uh … no, I don’t believe I do. Dragons are bigger than me. One would be enough to likely smush my face. Plus, dragons have bad breath from all the fire-breathing and I do not want one anywhere near my nose. But I will say that I don’t ever recall being asked that question, by a boss or anyone else.
I was sure - like, dead sure - that we would get an "I have bad breath" reference there. The "comical misunderstanding" here is somewhat ruined by the fact that there's a GIGANTIC PICTURE of the titular lizard at the beginning of the column.
Making the query even more oddly out of context, Montgomery Media’s big cheese, Betsy Wilson, asked me the dragon question at the 16th annual Montgomery Media Baby and Toddler Expo last weekend at the Philadelphia Convention Center in Oaks. (How the Philadelphia Convention Center got in Oaks is a discussion for another time.)
Yeah, and what's up with Paris, Texas? WACKY! Betsy Wilson, if you were any good at your job, you'd have axed this column a long time ago.
I was scheduled to work the event, but unfortunately I did not have the foresight to do any advance scouting on how to avoid getting a dragon placed on my face. Silly me, I thought the whole soiree was about babies, not dragons.
When he says "work the event"... does he mean wander about and record random things? Because that's what he seems to do most of the time.
I would have anticipated a more appropriate question to be asked at a baby expo, something like, “Would you like some free Boogie Wipes?” When a bunch of babies get together at an event like a baby expo, there is a high boogie potential. So the question of Boogie Wipes — “For quick, effective clean-up and relief of stuck-on boogies” — seems more pertinent than the dragon-on-my-face question. I’m sure Boogie Wipes are indeed effective, but they don’t strike me as designed to wipe dragon off my face.
That's five uses of "boogie" in one paragraph, and two redundant uses of "baby expo." I would have expected a spit-up joke, but maybe that's too edgy for Borsch.
I soon discovered that the “dragons” are actually chameleons, those little lizards that change colors.
Oh, is THAT what a chameleon is???
And a wonderfully enthusiastic Howard Yankow of www.mybabydragon.com had a booth at the event showcasing several of the “baby dragons” designed to educate young and old alike on the “green anoles” (Latin name: Anolis carolinensis). By the way, I’m happy to see that Neil Diamond was on the Baby Dragon Latin Naming Committee.
You know what never gets old? Jokes about Latin! (Note to Borsch: ixnay on the liche-cay.) If he stays true to formula, he will give an "amusing" Latin name to a person he met at the expo. We also get a bonus song lyric reference and a long, fictional title.
But Howard knows everything there is to know about green anoles, which are not much bigger than one’s finger. And while he’s talking, he loves to attach one of the little critters to a person’s shirt, or nose, or ear or glasses — all of which I have — and I (Latin name: Youwannadowhatus withthatlizardsis) made for a pretty big target on Sunday.
I just want to emphasize that I do these "live," sentence by sentence. And I totally called that Latin name joke. If there's one thing my little online experiment has proven, it's that this man has no more than a dozen jokes that he uses over and over again.
According to subsequent research, among the things the green anoles will eat are grubs, crickets, cockroaches, spiders and moths. They reportedly will go for bigger prey, like editors, but the ones that are kept as pets shouldn’t be fed anything bigger than half the size of their head. Lucky for me, because I’m pretty sure a guy my size looks like the Grand Canyon of buffets to a green anole.
This paragraph is the perfect illustration of Borsch attempts at comedy. It's such an awkward, clumsy stumble toward a "punchline" that doesn't even make sense. "They eat bugs. But they might eat bigger things, like me! But don't feed them big things - lucky for me, because I'm fat!"
Fortunately, I have a big nose as well, much bigger than the head of a green anole. But I didn’t know at the time that the green anole that Howard was attempting to attach to my beezer wasn’t looking at it as an appetizer.
Toss in a folksy made-up word for a body part, and you've got a real Borsch Cliche Casserole in the making! This paragraph makes the previous joke even worse. "I also have a big nose - too big for a lizard to eat! But back then I thought it might try." No one can be this grotesque, wimpy and dumb and still function in society.
Once the lizard was securely attached to my nose, a few questions came to mind: (1) Is this thing gonna bite me? (2) Is this thing gonna poop on me?
Poop reference. We're racking them up, folks!
It was big fun for almost everybody, with the possible exception of me. The boss kept snapping pictures as Howard hooked the lizard to my nose, then my ear, then the frame of my glasses, all while I was attempting to maintain my composure and not break into the Wussy Man Yucky Dance. As you can tell by the accompanying photo, I am quite enthused about the whole shebang.
This is so painful.
At one point, the lizard ended up back on my nose a second time, and I thought I heard it whisper, “Fifteen minutes could save you 15 percent or more on car insurance.” It then made like Superman leaping tall buildings in a single bound and landed feet first like a cat on the expo center’s concrete floor some six feet below.
You really only have to say "back on my nose" or "a second time," not both. I like how he compares the lizard's jump to Superman, and the landing to... a cat.
“Oh, I hope it didn’t get hurt,” I said to Howard.
“No, in the wild, they can jump up to 30 feet from tree to tree to avoid predators,” said Howard.
“I’m pretty sure I can jump 30 feet vertically if you stick that thing on me again,” I said silently to myself.
Good thing you didn't say it silently to anyone else, or they'd never have heard you.
But it was all in good fun. And really, having a dragon on one’s face wasn’t actually as bad as it sounds.
Really, actually? Here's another old Borsch strategy - complain about something, play up how terrible/awkward it was, but then back off and say it was a great time. "Sorry, reader - it was even less funny than I described."
Why, it was so easy … even a caveman could do it. At least that’s what the green anole told me.
My, my, how topical. What's next, a Budweiser Frogs reference? But... the Geico Gecko doesn't say the thing about the cavemen. His workflow is starting to slow, also... could he be preparing for another summer hibernation? The literary public can only hope.
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