Outta Leftfield
Published: Wednesday, June 16, 2010
By Mike Morsch
Roam on the range: Wandering yaks go from yuks to yuck
Right off the bat, I'll say that this is unacceptable. We didn't get a blog entry at all yesterday. What's up with you, Morsch? Too busy posting Twitter links to boring articles from your own newspaper?
I'm guessing Morsch has never seen a live yak outside of a zoo, so this must be about something he read or saw on TV. At first he will find how big and dumb they are amusing ("yuks") and will maybe compare them to himself; then they'll poop, or roll in the dirt, and it will turn to "yuck." Mark my words. [Editor's Note: Do not mark any of my words after "At first."]
If you’re planning a trip to Wyoming’s Big Horn Mountains anytime soon, you may consider delaying it for a bit because, well … the yaks are roaming.
He read about this on the Internet. Guaranteed.
That’s right, roaming yaks. And they’re just wandering around eating everybody’s grass and mating with the cows. No telling what could happen to your car if you’re out roaming around Wyoming gawking at the yaks.
Has he ever watched "Wild America," or even seen a nature show before? He's acting like dinosaurs are roaming the earth once again. They're just yaks.
According to a wire service story, John and Laura DeMatteis of Buffalo, Wyo., raise the yaks and sell them for their meat and wool on their 300-acre ranch called the “Yak Daddy Ranch.” They must be NBA fans.
Why? Sorry, I don't watch basketball. Is the phrase "Mac Daddy" exclusive to that sport or something? I'm guessing that's what he's referencing...
Yaks (Latin name: Bos grunniens)
Right away, I knew Morsch was looking this information up somewhere.
are long-haired animals of the bovine family usually found in the Himalayan region of South Central Asia. Herd animals, they are among the largest and wildest bovines
Hey, you know what you find when you type "yak" into Wikipedia?
The yak, Bos grunniens, is a long-haired bovine found throughout the Himalayan region of south Central Asia... Yaks are herd animals. They are among the largest wild bovids.
Wow. Morsch, you immense sack of yak crap. Do this in a college paper, and you get an "F". For the class. We'll return to the issue of rampant plagiarism later.
roaming around Wyoming during those times when former Vice President Dick Cheney (Latin name: Grumpius oldguyus) is not in the state.
Wow, Morsch hates Dick Cheney. This is the second disparaging reference to him in Outta Leftfield.
The wire service story reveals that local rancher Scott Rogers was at first yukking it up over the yaks. But now his grass is taking a beating and he worries that his cows will have to sleep with one eye open, so he has become unhappy with the situation.
Alright, we'll address the rampant plagiarism right now. Per the wire service story:
Cattle ranchers in the foothills of Wyoming's Big Horn Mountains are no longer yukking over a herd of yaks that keeps getting loose.
Morsch has used that "yukking" joke twice now - in the headline and in this paragraph. Not only is it incredibly lame, but he didn't even think of it himself. This disgusts me. Other than the Dick Cheney joke, there's not a sentence in this "column" that hasn't been stolen from somewhere else.
Local officials, of course, are doing what elected and appointed officials do, which in most cases consists of going out to the ranch, shaking their fists at the yaks and yelling, “Hey, you darn yaks, get off my lawn!”
Really? Normally such a joke would end with "which in most cases consists of raising taxes" or "which in most cases consists of passing a 2,000 page piece of legislation." Not "which in most cases consists of (insert something nobody would ever, ever do, ever)."
Elected officials also are considering an ordinance against “yaks at large.” I wasn’t sure what that meant, so I went to the local newspaper website, the Caspar Star-Tribune, for more information.
Okay, stop. Just stop. So now, after getting quotes from another news story and Wikipedia, we're looking up yet another news story to quote from.
At first, I did not find any additional information on what local officials meant by “yaks at large,” but I did find out that a community called Glenrock has an annual “Yak About Annual Fleece Crafts, Festival and Trade Show” that includes a barn dance and a barbecue, all for $14. Really, though, that type of entertainment is a bargain at any price.
Even better! We've stumbled upon an article that has absolutely nothing to do with anything!
The festival features alpacas, yaks and mini-donkeys on display as well as an antique tractor display. I am mildly disappointed to learn that there apparently is no “Yak Gawking” competition at this festival.
Why? Because those are "funny" words? And please, can we stick to the topic of the article, which is... what again?
Having spent a fair of amount of time in Iowa and rural Illinois as a lad, I am well familiar with barn dances and tractor displays and I quite enjoy both.
Does "well familiar" make sense?
In fact, there was a time in my life when I was the “Stomp Dance Champion of Wayne County” as determined by local American Legion officials. (I wish I was making that up.) As I recall, the dance competition was in conjunction with a Legion chili supper and I found myself a particularly inspired dancer after dinner, which enabled me and my dance partner to take the title.
I've written my own article: "I was reading the Bible. One verse said 'Jesus wept.' I wondered what he was crying about. Reading the rest of the chapter, I discovered he was crying about Lazarus. I cried one time, back in 1st grade, when we lost a kickball game. Turns out I was pretty good at kickball, but we lost anyway." Cut! Print!
Further research, though, indicates that the “yaks at large” dust-up between the DeMatteis and Mr. Rogers (Latin name: Nottheguyus withthesweatersus)
This "Latin name" thing is just a bottomless mine of comedic gold.
has political implications that go beyond the roaming yaks. It just so happens that Laura DeMatteis is a candidate for a state office.
Apparently Rogers and a couple of his rancher pals approached the county commissioners about the wandering yaks problem and the “yaks at large” ordinance passed, only to be overturned as the state statute cited applies only to dogs and cats.
Fairly interesting. But, at the same time, fairly boring.
Johnson County Commissioner Smokey Wildeman (Latin name: Dontmessius withthisguyus)
Morsch is just going to keep rolling with this, isn't he? Bonus points for actually making me smile with that one.
— who just sounds like a guy who should be in politics in the Big Horn Mountains of Wyoming —
I thought he sounded like a guy you don't want to mess with. Bonus points subtracted for being redundant.
said hold on thar pardner, the board cited the wrong statute because of a typographical error, and he thinks the commissioners are going to consider a revised “yaks at large” ordinance.
Ah, there's nothing more hilarious than the workings of local government!
Despite their tendency to yak, yak, yak without really saying anything at times, I cannot imagine any county commissioners in Southeastern Pennsylvania having to contend with the words “revised yaks at large ordinance.” I could be wrong about that, though, as we do have some rural areas here in Montgomery County and I believe I may have actually seen an alpaca or two on a farm out in the western part of the county.
Can he really expect anyone to laugh at "yak, yak, yak"?
We have a buffalo farm and an ostrich farm near my old home base of Souderton. I like how he says "out in the western part of the county," like he wants credit for being a great traveler or something.
As for the yaks themselves, they remain hungry and frisky but mostly silent on their roaming issue. They are not yakety yaks and as such, they don’t talk back.
Ah, and when you absolutely positively can't think of anything else... make a "clever" song reference to wrap it all up.
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