The Morsch Formula

Outta Leftfield
Published: Wednesday, June 09, 2010
By Mike Morsch
Executive Editor

Frozen concoction maker a perfect blend of cool ideas

It was only a matter of time before Morsch decided to spend an entire column on a food item. He made an atrocious blog post quite a while back about the Phillies hot dog selection, but never before has a newspaper been graced with such musings. Dare I say we are in for a real "treat"?

I will award myself 5,000 points if Morsch makes a similar pun.

Unless it’s during the Super Bowl, I usually tune out television advertisements when they come on. But every once in a while on my way to not paying attention (a common occurrence), I’ll hear something like “Margaritaville Frozen Concoction Maker,” and I stop right in my tracks.

Translation: I had no idea what I was going to write about, so I picked the next commercial that came on the TV.

Hey, wait a minute … what kind of concoction is it and why is it frozen? See how being a reporter affords me the opportunity to ask the important questions?

If by "reporter" you mean someone who does puff pieces on C-list celebrities.

It’s because “frozen concoction maker” is just fun to say, and fun things turn me into Curious George. The words used in conjunction with each other make me tilt my head like a dog who hears the words “Scooby snack.”

I have no problem with the fact that he just compared himself to a monkey and a dog. He's almost as smart as either of those species.

“It’s only a blender,” said The Blonde Accountant without even looking up from her magazine. She is quite accustomed to my idiosyncrasies and can oftentimes predict when I am going to latch onto something and start asking questions.

Totally fictional, especially the "without even looking up" part. I'm sure Morsch would love it if his "idiosyncrasies" were so well-known that he'd get an "Oh boy, here we go again" and a wacky trombone sound effect.

See, being asked to go shopping for a blender wouldn’t even come close to prompting me to quit strummin’ my six-string on my front porch swing.

This sounds like a song lyric, or a metaphor for something so horrible it can't be described. [Editor's Note: It's a Jimmy Buffet lyric, but he doesn't introduce that angle for another few paragraphs, so it's especially odd here.]

I don’t use a blender for anything — in fact, I wouldn’t have been absolutely certain that we even had a blender if someone asked me — so shopping for one wouldn’t even be on my radar.

It actually shocks me that Morsch has never tried to blend two hot dogs together to make some kind of super-dog.

But if I were asked to go looking for a new frozen concoction maker, I’d run out and get in the car even without being sure what it was, anxious nevertheless to have the following conversation with a sales associate:

I am so excited to see what "hilarious" interaction he's cooked up.

“Good afternoon sir. What brings you into the store today?

No end quotation marks. Another victory for the executive editor.

“I’m looking for a new frozen concoction maker. How many different models do you carry and what type of mpg (margaritas per gallon) does each get?”

And that's it. If you were wondering how the sales associate would react, you're out of luck. I guess the "mpg" thing is what we're supposed to laugh at.

Further research indicates that well, maybe the frozen concoction maker is only just a blender used for making frozen drinks. But boy, it’s a blender on steroids, a manly blender, if there is such a thing.

Hot on the heels of his "manly grill" ramblings, this seems rather unoriginal.

I was not surprised to learn that anything with the trademarked name “Margaritaville” is attached to singer Jimmy Buffet. In fact, the Big Parrothead has developed an entire “Margaritaville” brand, and among the many product lines are these frozen concoction makers.

This isn't really "humor." The Morsch Forumla (Pun in Title + Funny First Paragraph + Informative Middle Paragraphs + Title Pun Repeated in last Paragraph) doesn't seem tailor-made for guffaws... but that's obvious.

There are five models of the concoction makers: Bahamas, Key West, Figi, Tahiti and the Explorer. Essentially, the machines automatically shave and blend the necessary ingredients to make a frozen adult beverage.

That's what blenders usually do.

They range in price from the Bahamas at $199 up to the Tahiti at $499.

Prices are FUNNY!

The Tahiti is the super-mega-jumbo concoction maker, which features three 24-ounce blending jars and a rotating ice chute. For that kind of money, the blender ought to be able to not only shave the ice but shave me while I’m waiting for my drink, killing time by nibbling on sponge cake and watching the sun bake all those tourists covered with oil.

Morsch made a nearly identical joke in the Devon Horse Show article, where he suggested that an expensive hat should be able to put itself on, take itself off, etc. He also employs his oft-repeated strategy of clumsily slipping song lyrics into sentences.

In addition, I think a rotating ice chute is such a cool idea that it should be standard on every automobile, bicycle and cell phone.

An ice chute on a CELL PHONE??? This guy is from Planet Zany!

But there is more. For an additional fee, one can purchase a salt and lime tray, which includes a cutting board for cutting limes, a tray for holding lime wedges, a tray for rimming the glass with salt and a 1-ounce shot glass. A perfect accessory that it appears would eliminate the hassle of searching for one’s lost shaker of salt.

Ooooh another clever song reference, there. Question: is it funny to just list the features of an item? My keyboard features an "End" button so you don't have to slide the cursor all the way to the end of the line. Is that funny?

And since frozen drinks taste better when served at the beach, one can also purchase the handy frozen concoction maker travel bag — a padded, double-stitched canvas bag that has a convenient accessory pocket for the salt and lime tray — perfect for transporting the concoction maker to the more desirable beaches, those where one will not blow out one’s flip flops or step on pop tops.

Oh, I've figured out what makes it funny - inserting a Jimmy Buffet song lyric at the end of each paragraph!

I like frozen drinks as much as the next person. And through an effective marketing strategy, the frozen concoction maker has not only gotten me to think about blenders for the first time in my life, but it also has given me a greater appreciation for the potential role that the blender could play in other aspects of life.

Morsch always wimps out. Heaven forbid he actually come right out and say something is stupid. Even in the title he says it's "cool." It would be like if Jerry Seinfeld wraps up his "airline peanut bag" bit with, "But in all honesty folks, I'm sure they have their reasons for making them so hard to open, and really, they're delicious peanuts. God bless."

In fact, the next time I’m due for an updated cell phone, you can bet that I’m going to shop around for the one that has the best rotating ice chute.

Ugh.

When it comes to my newfound interest in the frozen concoction maker, some people claim that there’s a marketing professional to blame. But I know it’s my own dang fault.

Exerpt from Morsch's Outta Leftfield idea book:

Funny Ideas
Blender Commercial - quote Jimmy Buffet songs
Devon Horse Show - use lots of phrases with the word "horse"
Anything Else - reference baseball

I couldn’t resist getting wasted away again on all of the tomfoolery.

"Getting wasted away again" isn't even the correct lyric. Just like the "horsing around at the horse show" pun, I'm not really clear on where all the tomfoolery is. You know why I love doing this? There is never a disappointment. MM comes through for us every single time.