Oddly Without Focus

Outta Leftfield
Published: Wednesday, June 02, 2010
By Mike Morsch
Executive Editor

Devon Horse Show a great place for a little horsing around

That pun looks like it took all of one second to think up. Either that, or he spent HOURS thinking it up.

Hey, when did the price of straw go through the roof?

See, I worry about a lot of things when it comes to finances, but it never occurred to me that I’d have to worry about straw prices until The Blonde Accountant — an avowed non-hat wearer — decided she needed a straw hat to protect herself from the sun.

My guess: the price of straw has virtually nothing to do with the price of the hat.

The issue was brought to the forefront over a holiday weekend that was awash in sunshine, when we decided to take in the Devon Horse Show and Country Fair, which its website describes as “the oldest and largest outdoor multi-breed competition in the United States.”

I'm going to make another guess here... Morsch has two topics: horse show and straw hat. He will try to add "humor" to his boring description of the horse show by complaining about how much the hat costs. He will also include a fictional exchange between himself and his wife, illustrating how he just doesn't understand things.

When we were deciding on holiday family activities and the horse show was mentioned as a possibility, I was onboard from the start, even though I had never been to an official horse show. Why, what better venue is there for some good-natured horsing around than a horse show? Count me in.

First of all, I don't see how a horse show necessarily lends itself to "horsing around." Second, he's used the same painfully lame pun twice now. Dare I say that he's beating a dead... horse?

The Devon Horse Show has been around since 1896 and draws top competitors from around the world. My first impression upon entering the show grounds was that it had a Kentucky Derby feel about it. And just like at the derby, it appears that lots of horse people like to wear hats, especially the women.

Some classic Morsch Boring Facts to lead off, complemented by a mention of the hats. My guesses are on track so far.

As such, there were several vendors selling a variety of straw hats and since we were in the market for a straw hat, we seemed to be in the right place.

"As such" doesn't make sense here. This is such a wasted paragraph. "People wore straw hats. People were selling straw hats. We wanted to buy a straw hat."

One can get a straw hat down the shore for as little as $15,

"Down the shore"? Either that's some kind of annoying local Philly phrase, or he forgot "at."

but right out of the chute, the first hat The Blonde Accountant picked up at the horse show had a price tag of $200. When it comes to straw hats, that price tag is indeed a horse of a different color (green, apparently).

You don't really need to say "at the horse show." We know you're at the horse show already. I can also get a Phillies shirt for $10 at Wal-Mart, but would have to pay $80 for it at the stadium. I'm really surprised Morsch didn't make a similar connection.

Unfortunately, financing was not available on that particular hat, so we had to pass on it. For that kind of scratch, the hat should hop on and off one’s head by itself and should do so without leaving a trace of hat head.

"Scratch"? Are we in a 1950's gangster film all of a sudden?

It took some shopping around, but The Blonde Accountant avoided putting the cart before the horse and eventually found a reasonably priced hat. With the 90 days same as cash deal, we should be able to pay it off without incurring the interest charges.

How exactly does the phrase "cart before the horse" fit here? And how many phrases involving the word "horse" can Morsch work into this column?

With the blonde noggin sufficiently protected from the sun, it was on to horse show-viewing activities, which included a demonstration by Stacy Westfall, billed as a “bridleless reining sensation,” who controls her horses without the aid of a saddle (although for the particular demonstration we saw, she did ride in a saddle) or a bridle, using only her legs; and a horse-drawn carriage competition, featuring participants dressed in period costumes.

This has to be the longest sentence in Outta Leftfield history. I like how he specifies that, for their show, she rode in a saddle - like some avid reader who was also at the horse show will call him out on it.

It turns out that the weeklong event could have been billed as the “Horses, Hats and Dogs Show.”

Hey, I recently went to Dorney Park and Wildwater Kingdom. Turns it it should actually be called "Dorney, a Park with Roller Coasters, Thrill Rides, Concessions and a Kids' Section, and Wildwater Kindom."

In addition to the horse-related events, the show featured the annual Devon Hat Parade, where entrants compete in categories such as best botanical, best vintage and “Devon Diva.” The winners in each category got to enjoy a Cartier champagne reception high atop the grandstands with hat judge and fashion expert Carson Kressley, that dude from the former cable TV show “Queer Eye for the Straight Guy.”

Fascinating. Really.

Try as I might, I could not get The Blonde Accountant to return to the horse show on the day of the hat competition and enter with her new lid. I believe the title of “Devon Diva” would have been a fun one for her to have. And besides, just how many opportunities does one get to drink champagne at a horse show with the “Queer Eye” guy?

I really want to fault Morsch for describing Mr. Kressley as "that dude" from a show featuring five prententiously named gay guys... but really, how else could one describe him?

I just about swiped her chapeau and entered the contest myself, but I was informed that I should just hold my horses on that idea.

So... slow down and wait until later to enter the contest?

In addition, new this year was the Devon Doggie Parade, where the pooches showed off in lookalike, style and fashionista categories. Further scouring of the parade rulebook yielded no definitive information on whether the horses and dogs were required to wear expensive straw hats during any of the competitions or be fans of “Queer Eye.”

This is an idea SO ridiculous it just HAS to be funny!

Crickets chirping

For non-horse show people, we came away with a day that was filled with unique experiences. The kids, of course, were bored out of their skulls, but as you know, you can lead a horse to water …

A report on "My Day at the Horse Show" written by either of the kids is bound to be more informative, funnier and more interesting than this column.

However, there is no denying the grace and beauty of the horses. They are wonderful animals to observe, with or without their hats, and the Devon Horse Show is a great place to experience and learn about the equestrian lifestyle.

Again, "however" doesn't work in this context. This also may be a first for Morsch - instead of praising the organizers of the horse show, he heaps flattery upon the horses.

Those observations, of course, are straight from the horse’s mouth.

Alright, so he didn't do a "humorous" made-up conversation. But he did use the hats as his way to inject some much-needed fun (read: "fun") into his blow-by-blow account of the horse show. Also, did I miss when all the "horsing around" took place?

The use of all the horse puns makes me question the nature of the column itself. Could it be that Morsch doesn't actually think this is funny? Could it be that this column is just one more duty heaped upon him at the newspaper, and he's just phoning it in each week and hoping that someone will chuckle? Could it be that he's just a tired old cynical hack who couldn't care less?

No. He really thinks it's funny.