Hawaii(an) x 27

OUTTA LEFTFIELD: Flower show short on Hawaiian shirts, ‘Five-0’ music (VIDEO)
Published: Tuesday, March 13, 2012
By Mike Morsch
Executive Editor

Remember the days when I thought Borsch had lost it and I could retire in peace? They seem like so long ago...

My tickets have arrived for the Beach Boys, whose 50th anniversary tour is stopping in Camden in June. And it goes without saying that I need a new Hawaiian shirt to wear to the concert.

For the love of God, STOP TALKING ABOUT THE BEACH BOYS. Hall and Oates will get jealous!

As has been detailed in this space over the years, I used to be quite a fashion plate with my collection of Hawaiian shirts. Unfortunately, The Blonde Accountant is not too keen on Hawaiian shirts. But she married me anyway, and then began a systematic Mike Makeover that resulted in all the Hawaiian shirts being purged from my closet, never to return. Or so she thinks.

Know what else has been "detailed in this space" time and time again? How he has terrible fashion sense and his wife disapproves of it. Can we hope for a Chuck Taylors reference just to sweeten the pot?

But with the Beach Boys getting back together, the time is perfect to start rebuilding my Hawaiian shirt collection. However, we should probably keep this between us, because I wouldn’t want The Blonde Accountant to find out and scuttle my plans before I even get a chance to do some advanced scouting on the Hawaiian shirts.

Just for the record, his past four sentences have started with the following words: "But," "or," "but," and "however." You think this would indicate some alteration in the "wife hates his Hawaiian shirts" scenario - and you'd be wrong. He likes said shirts - but she got rid of them. Or not! But he's buying more. However, don't tell her. Borsch continues to use the (baseball) term "advanced scouting" when I'm pretty sure it's "advance scouting."

The first opportunity for some of that advanced scouting happened last week at the 2012 Philadelphia International Flower Show. This year’s theme was “Hawaii: Islands of Aloha.”

Too bad the Phillies’ Shane Victorino — a native Hawaiian — wasn’t able to attend the flower show because of his spring training commitment in Clearwater, Fla. He surely would have been named Flower Show Grand Poohbah.

Did you know that Shane Victorino is Hawaiian? Borsch does! Did you know that the show "Hawaii Five-O" was filmed on location in Hawaii? Read on to find out how often he can mention that!

Now I’ve sleepwalked through the flower show for several years, so I know the drill. It’s always pleasant enough, and I like to look at the displays for about an hour. But then the cement floor of the Pennsylvania Convention Center starts to raise seven kinds of heck with my back and knees and I get eight kinds of cranky.

From a March 2, 2010 article: "The only problem I ever have at the flower show is that the cement floor of the convention center plays seven kinds of hooey with my knees." If he can somehow mention hot dogs and spilling things, we'll have just about every Borsch cliche in the book!

The Hawaii theme this year, though, offered me some hope. I know from dragging my sorry hind end to past shows that there is a whole section of vendors at the flower show. I figured since everything was Hawaii-themed this year, there had to be at least one Hawaiian-shirt vendor in the house.

Not only that, but I figured the theme was sure to encourage other like-minded mopes to break out the Hawaiian shirts and dust them off for the first time this spring.

"Like-minded mopes"? Does wanting to wear a Hawaiian shirt qualify you as a "mope"?

And I anticipated that the “Hawaii Five-0” theme song would be playing on a continuous loop, at least in the convention center men’s rooms.

... Since only men like "Hawaii Five-O." I guess.

Well, that was wrong. On all accounts.

The phrase is not "on all accounts," it's "on all counts." Can we get an "irregardless," maybe?

Not only wasn’t there a vendor selling Hawaiian shirts — at least not one that I found — there were only about five guys in the crowd of 8 billion flower show attendees that day (we always seem to pick the most crowded day every year to go to this thing) wearing Hawaiian shirts. And I didn’t hear one “Book ’em Dano!” all day.

Perhaps people aren't as ignorant about Hawaii as you are, you know? Maybe they appreciate the islands for their beauty and culture, not for tacky shirts and a 1970s TV show?

Apparently, I’m not the only guy in the greater Philadelphia area who has a wife who hates her husband’s Hawaiian shirts and won’t even let him wear one to a Hawaii-theme flower show that he likely didn’t want to attend in the first place. I had tried to compensate for that oversight by wearing a stylish pink and white striped shirt, despite its lack of adherence to the show’s theme.

Wouch, that "Apparently" monster was one of his worst sentences ever.

At the very least, there should have been a moratorium placed on No Hawaiian Shirts Allowed Rule that wives have obviously imposed on husbands of this area.

Shouldn't that be "a moratorium placed on THE No Hawaiian Shirts Rule"?

It’s a flower show with a Hawaiian theme for crying out loud. Hawaiian shirts should have been standard issue for all the guys.

Alright, as of this second I'm going to tally every time the word "Hawaii" or "Hawaiian" is used here. He's probably already over ten. [Editor's Note: He was already over twenty]

The closest thing I could find to anything Hawaiian that I wanted to purchase was called a Good Luck Bamboo Pot. While standing at that vendor’s booth perusing the pots and wondering if buying one would bring me better luck in finding a new Hawaiian shirt, a woman standing next to me picked up another plant and shook it in my face.

Uh-oh, get ready for a ZANY exchange! Will he use "countered" where it's not appropriate?

“Do you know what this is!” she shouted at me, like she knew at my age I was beginning to get a little hard of hearing.

Usually you use a question mark when someone is asking a question, don't you?

“No, I don’t,” I said.

“Well, don’t you work here?” she asked.

“No ma’am,” I said.

“But you have on such a nice shirt,” she said. “I thought you worked here.”

Wow, given his usual propensity to use "replied slyly" and "demanded angrily," this "asked" and "said" exchange is practically Hemingway-esque.

See, that makes no sense to me at all. Had I been appropriately attired in a Hawaiian shirt, then the woman could have conceivably assumed that I just might be working at the show.

Witnessing the whole exchange, The Blonde Accountant had a smirk that suggested, “Hey, if I would have let you wear a Hawaiian shirt to this thing, then you would have had to figure out a way to sell that woman that plant.”

What? Someone assumed he worked there WITHOUT a Hawaiian shirt. If he wore the shirt, would he be REQUIRED to work there? Is that what's implied? This really doesn't make much sense.

Ahhh, phooey.

The flower show did offer one respite for the Cro-Magnon-inclined — a Man Cave. It’s a dandy concept by the flower show brain trust to accommodate the husbands who get dragged along to the event. And although this Man Cave featured big screen TVs, cold adult beverages, craps and blackjack tables and attractive women in short skirts, I would suggest at least one change for next year: A real Man Cave wouldn’t allow wives and children inside its man-friendly confines.

I've read this paragraph several times now, and I keep asking myself the same question: is it supposed to be funny? "Du-huh, guys are cavemen who like sports and booze." Really?

And next year, if a guy comes into the Man Cave wearing a Hawaiian shirt, he drinks free for the duration of his flower show stint.

Cue the “Hawaii Five-0” theme music for heaven’s sake.

For the record, that was twenty-seven uses of "Hawaii" or "Hawaiian."