Baseball, "Hotdogs" and Mustard - again...

OUTTA LEFTFIELD: Lowering the 'boomstick' on hotdogs, Texas-style
Published: Wednesday, March 28, 2012
By Mike Morsch
Executive Editor

Hot dogs. I find it admirable that he STILL finds ways to break new ground.

Opening Day is just around the corner and that smell you smell is what the French Canadians — who once had a baseball team in Montreal — used to call Odeur de Hotdog.

Good lord, could he have found a more round-about way to introduce his topic?

I couldn’t find the French word for “hotdog,” but I didn’t search the Internet far and wide because, well, it’s a hotdog and I don’t really care what it’s called in other languages as long as there is mustard within arm’s reach.

Mustard! Be careful there, Borsch - don't HILARIOUSLY spill any of that on your shirt!

Besides, Montreal lost its baseball franchise to Washington, D.C., some years ago, and Nationals officials are trying a new marketing approach this season by prohibiting us Phillies fans from buying tickets to their ballpark and eating all their hotdogs. But that’s an issue for another time.

May I ask a question - how do these two facts relate to each other? (1) Montreal's baseball team went to Washington, and (2) Washington doesn't want as many Phillies fans in their stadium. The way he presents it, both are part of one central "issue."

With the start of a new baseball season, however, hotdogs will again be in the conversation.

This isn't how the word "however" works. Usually it sets up a contrast: "I usually hate sports; however, I enjoyed that hockey game." You can't write, "People speak French in Montreal. However, we can now talk about hotdogs." By the way, isn't "hot dogs" actually two words?

Dollar Dog Night has been a regular promotion at Citizens Bank Park for a while now and as has been reported in this space over the years, Phillies team officials usually want to know in advance when I’m coming to the ballpark so they can order an extra truckload of wieners for the game.

Because he's FAT! Get it? This is why he's got his own published humor column, folks.

Not to be outdone, though, are the good folks in Texas. We all know that — blah, blah, blah — everything is bigger in Texas — blah, blah, blah — for the Y’all and Ma’am Crowd and — blah, blah, blah.

I would like to know what the "blah blah blah" parts represent. Really, isn't the saying just that "everything is bigger in Texas"? Am I missing some other part of the phrase?

All we here in Philly know was that the Texas Rangers didn’t have enough gallons full of $100 bills in their 10-gallon hats to keep Cliff Lee in a Rangers uniform and he ended up back in Phillies pinstripes.

I laughed out loud when I read this sentence. It is maybe the worst collection of English words I have ever seen. Gallons full of $100 bills? I didn't know you could "fill" a gallon with something. Isn't a gallon what fills something else? The best part is, Borsch probably thought this was soooooo clever.

Still, Texas’ need to be bigger and better at everything has reached the ballpark concession stand. According to a wire service story,

Lamentably I was unable to find the exact story that Borsch copied the remaining 70% of his column from. However, every single article I spotted featured the "everything's bigger in Texas" cliche that Borsch passed off above.

the Rangers this season are offering their own culinary heart attack — a two-foot-long, one-pound, gourmet hot dog that feeds three to four people and costs $26. It’s as big as one of the mini-baseball bats one can buy at the ballpark, for less than the price of the hotdog, I might add.

Can "culinary heart attack" be a Borsch original? I doubt it.

Of course, I admire that kind of effort in the name of hotdog competition, although some of the accoutrements that accompany this story are a little iffy. For example, ballpark chef Cristobal Vasquez has created the monstrosity that includes a Coney Island-style wiener, topped with shredded cheese, chili and sautéed onions. It’s served on a bun that according to team officials is made of “exotic bread flown in from France.”

Can "accoutrements" really accompany a story?

The fact that ballparks actually have something called a “ballpark chef” on the payroll is slightly disconcerting, although that fact wouldn’t prevent me from trying to scrape together $26 (parking at Citizens Bank Park is only $15, by the way) and tackle this bad boy hotdog.

What is "disconcerting" about that? He's disturbed or upset by the fact that a chef works there? I'd be reassured, knowing that the food would be of high quality. But I'm not a "professional" writer.

No less than a hotdog authority like Rangers team president Nolan Ryan — yes, that Nolan Ryan, baseball hall-of-fame pitcher and owner of seven no-hitters during his playing days — calls it a “wild dog.”

Oh, THAT Nolan Ryan? Come on - if people know who Cliff Lee is, it's a pretty safe bet they'll know who Nolan Ryan is without the condescending dashed-off aside.

“It has to be a tremendous wiener,” Ryan said in the wire service story. “And then we’re getting some kind of exotic bread flown in from France. I don’t know what kind of condiments you put on that. But I do want to look at it.”

I'm sorry, but didn't Borsch just say that the bread "is made of 'exotic bread flown in from France'"? Is Ryan the "team official" cited above? Did he forget that he had already used that quote in his column?

I’d love to see the team’s beat writers ask Phillies General Manager Ruben Amaro Jr. to comment on the state of the hotdogs for this coming season. Given his penchant for wheeling and dealing, it wouldn’t surprise me in the least to learn that Amaro has already had preliminary discussions with the Rangers to trade for the monster hot dog.

So in the same paragraph we go from "hotdog" to "hot dog." Consistency! Also, Amaro would never be interested in this hot dog - it's too young to be on the roster here in Philly.

The only snafu for the Rangers is what to call the hotdog.

Now it's "hotdog" again. Consistency!

At this point, it’s going to depend on where the Texas fans purchase the hotdog. If they eat at the Captain Morgan Club at the ballpark — sigh, do we really need to sell naming rights to each piece of the ballpark? If so, I’d like to put in a bid to have my name on the latrines —

Poop joke! Classy.

the big weenie is called a “Champion Dog.” If fans purchase it at the concession stands throughout the ballpark, it will be known as “The Boomstick.” (That’s apparently a nod to Nelson Cruz, the Rangers’ big thumper, who when he hits a home run, fans call it “lowering the boomstick.”)

That sounds retarded: "Nelzon Cruz... who when he hits a home run, fans call it..." Terrible writing. TERRIBLE. Borsch is also uncharacteristically passing up many, many chances to make a penis joke.

When a team can’t get the name of its hotdogs straight, well, we all know that only decreases its chances of making it to the World Series.

Get out the mustard, let’s play ball already.

The Rangers went to the World Series the past two years in a row. The Phillies haven't sniffed the WS during that span. What, again, is the connection between hot dogs and the post-season?

I suspect this won't be the last baseball/hot dog/mustard story we'll get this season. Prepare yourselves, folks!