Surprise! Morsch writes about a Made-Up Holiday

OUTTA LEFTFIELD: Any way you slice it, Pi Day is a good excuse to celebrate Pie Day
Published: Tuesday, March 15, 2011
By Mike Morsch
Executive Editor

A classic Borsch pun title. Can we hope for a few "spilling things on himself" jokes?

Son of Blonde Accountant came to me Sunday evening and said, “Do you want to see what treats I’m taking to school tomorrow for Pie Day?”

“Well, aren’t you taking pie?” I said.

“No, I’m taking brownies and cookies,” he countered.

First - how old is Son of Blonde Accountant? Five? Who says "treats"? Second - trademark over-written fictional conversation, full of unnecessary descriptions and adverbs.

“Why would you take brownies and cookies as treats on Pie Day?” I asked. “You should take pie.”

He then explained to me that we were talking about two different things. Oh.

This would be funny... if the title of the column didn't telegraph this comical misunderstanding beforehand.

I was talking about Pie Day. I wasn’t sure there was actually a holiday where we in this country celebrated pie, but we celebrate a lot of things these days, so why not pie? I like pie, so I’m all in for a day of shoving pie into my piehole. Isn’t that why it’s called a piehole? And besides, “piehole” is a fun word and should be associated with some kind of holiday based on its ability to spice up a sentence.

I think Borsch should start advertising his blog as "a man writing about obscure, comical holidays." And I should have guessed that he'd work the term "piehole" into this one... I mean, the man uses words like "dadgummed" and "goozlepipe."

Well, no, that was wrong. What the young lad was talking about was Pi Day — celebrated every year on March 14 — a day commemorating the mathematical constant (pi). It must be important because it falls in the same week as St. Patrick’s Day.

Um... why?

I wouldn’t have thought that holidays involving pie and beer would fall in the same week, because they don’t seem to go together. I like pie and I like beer, but usually not at the same time, although if there was ever an opportunity to get pie-eyed, it would appear to be this particular week in March.

I know it's hard, but can we stop using the word "pie" so much? What other phrases involving "pie" can we use - pie in the sky, easy as pie, bigger slice of the pie... maybe a reference to Simple Simon?

Somewhere along the line I recall being at least familiar with the existence of Pi Day, and I may have even written about it in the past.

False. And the term "written" should be used loosely.

But as a guy who failed high school algebra, I usually run away from anything involving numbers. And I have absolutely no idea what a mathematical constant is. The only constant in my life when it comes to math is that I have been constantly befuddled and therefore uninterested in it for many years, which may explain why the annual Pi Day slips by me most of the time.

Stop kidding yourself - you never heard of this "day" until your son-in-law mentioned it. Then you read about it on the Internet. "...slips by me most of the time" - like he's so erudite that even the most obscure holidays can only "slip," ninja-like, past his powerful cultural antennae.

Apparently the definition of pi — which I pilfered off the Internet so it must be true

BINGO. At least he's admitting it this time.

— is: “A mathematical constant whose value is the ratio of any Euclidean plane circle’s circumference to its diameter; this is the same value as the ratio of a circle’s area to the square of its radius. It is approximately equal to 3.14159265 in the usual decimal notation. Many formulae from mathematics, science and engineering involve pi, which makes it one of the most important mathematical constants.”

Definitions: nothing funnier.

In addition to “mathematical constant,” let me list the other things in that single paragraph that I don’t understand: (1) ratio; (2) Euclidean plane circle; (3) circumference; (4) diameter; (5) radius; (6) decimal notation; (7) 3.14159265.

Really? "Diameter" and "radius" he doesn't understand? Repeating words from a definition: even funnier.

In fact — and I’d have to double-check this — I don’t think there are any Euclideans flying planes in circles for any branch of our military or any of the major airlines at this time. So I’m not sure why they’re even mentioned in all this math hoo-ha.

And that's it. That's the "end" of the "column." It's like he died while writing it. Can this be considered a "conclusion" by any stretch of the imagination?