Refusing to Inform

Outta Leftfield: Don’t stick your tongue out at these whacky health practices
Published: Tuesday, March 01, 2011
By Mike Morsch
Executive Editor

Ah, the long-anticipated Borsch skewering of angioplasty and MRI.

If I were asked to name some practices that are good for one’s health, I’d say the usual things like daily exercise, eating right and staying away from smoking.

I would not, even after consuming mass quantities of cold adult beverages, have come up with … tongue scraping. Mostly because I have absolutely no idea what tongue scraping is or why on earth is would be good for one’s health.

Ho ho, goofy beer reference! What do you want to bet this column includes at least one appearance of this sentence: "According to the (insert organization website)..."

It certainly doesn’t sound like it would be good for one’s tongue.

But according to a story headlined “Five Whacky Things That Are Good for Your Health” on the LifeScience.com website,

Damn I'm good.

tongue scraping is on the list. I have a tendency to believe everything I read on LifeScience.com because it has the word “science” in it. And I also believe that scientists are smarter than me, so whatever they say I usually endorse.

Yep, you must never question SCIENCE... even if science itself is the process of endless questioning.

Take a moment to consider what tongue scraping might entail and why it would be good for one’s health, and then try to come up with four wackier things than tongue scraping that could be good for one’s health.

I couldn’t do it either.

Scraping your tongue with a toothbrush to prevent bad breath?

Acupuncture, firecupping, ear candling, enemas. That took me like three seconds.

Fortunately, the scientists have our collective backs on this topic. According to the story, the other four are vibrating exercise platforms, barefoot running, curing with parasites and fecal transplants.

Hmmm. Now I understand. If someone were to ask me to practice only one of these things to improve my health, tongue scraping might just be at the top of the list given the other choices.

Why oh why couldn't we get a fecal transplant article?

According to the article, tongue scraping is part of an ancient health code called “ayurveda.” Apparently, the practice entails placing something that resembles a small toilet brush as far back in one’s mouth as the gagging reflex will allow and then scraping one’s tongue clean for several minutes.

My initial reaction is that I am immediately suspicious of any health practice that involves jamming a toilet brush down the back of my throat.

Well, it's not actually a toilet brush... it only "resembles" one.

Apparently the ancient Ayurvedaians liked cold adult beverages as much as subsequent civilizations because any group of people that can get the weaker links in the herd to jam toilet brushes down their throats in the name of good health sounds like a partying bunch to me.

I always thought that it was getting high, not drunk, that caused the wacky ideas. When does the repeated use of "cold adult beverages" stop being more amusing than just saying "beer"?

As for the other four, there are shreds of evidence that these things have actually been studied by scientists and might actually have some merit. For example, although studies are somewhat inconclusive at this point, there is at least some segment of researchers out there who make a good case that running barefoot is better for one than running in shoes. I’ve actually seen people at my walking track who are out there barefooted, both walking and running, so some people must believe in it.

So wait... what is the "evidence" that tongue scraping is good for us? Also, by "walking track," does he mean, like, a sidewalk?

The theory behind vibrating exercise platforms is that if one stands on these things for a few minutes and then jumps off and continues to exercise, the vibration is supposed to help one go faster, higher, etc. Scientists say it helps, but it seems to me it may make one’s hind end kind of tingly. I’ve found nothing in the medical books or scientific journals that a tingly hind end is good for one’s health, but I’m sure someone somewhere is studying that.

Sigh. This one is painfully uneventful.

As for curing with parasites, well that apparently involves infecting oneself with hookworm, an intestinal parasite, which protects against allergies and maybe even Crohn’s Disease and multiple sclerosis.

If there’s anything that would make me rush right out to the store and grab a toilet brush to shove down my goozlepipe, it would be the suggestion that I purposely allow myself to be infected with an intestinal parasite.

"Goozlepipe"? Here's an idea that will add instant comedy to your dull, boring column - add plenty of wacky, folksy words!

Which brings us to the most obnoxious and most disgusting of the five wacky things that are supposed to be good for one’s health: fecal transplants, otherwise known as fecal bacteriotherapy, which I suppose could be considered a slightly less gross naming convention.

I can’t even describe this procedure to you because of its offensive nature, so just go ahead and look it up on your own. Make sure to do it before lunch.

Magnificent - the one potentially humorous and interesting part of the article, and he leaves it out. Bravo, sir. Didn't he publish an entire column about dog poop (and another one about dinosaur poop)? Suddenly the subject is offensive?

The real question with this one is: How in tarnation did the scientists and medical people stumble upon something like this? And how do you suppose the first guy who ever had this procedure reacted when he was told what was going to be done to him?

WARNING: Unamusing dialogue ahead. It's even less amusing because Borsch hasn't told us what the procedure is.

“You’re going to do what? You guys run out of cold adult beverages and toilet brushes or something?”

Remove funnybone... ha... ha... ha.

So there you have it. You want to be healthier, just get whacky with your health practices.

And you didn’t think tongue scraping was going to be appealing at all, did you?

Once again, we know precious little more about tongue scraping after reading this article than we did before. I know he claims that his wife reads these before he publishes them, but does anyone else? Shouldn't he have at least one person who can veto the most glaringly horrible ones?