A... movie review? Maybe?

Tuesday, March 22, 2011
Crocodile rockin' at the movies

It's been quite a while since we've had one of these "I saw a movie and liked it" posts.

Garden gnomes. Hulk Hogan. Elton John’s music.
I never thought I’d use that series of words in the same paragraph.

Seven words equals a "paragraph"? Seems kinda grandiose.

Elton John has never sung Hulk Hogan songs, Hulk Hogan has never rassled Elton John and garden gnomes, well, I think they’re kind of cool and have three of them in my front yard.

This sentence is so confusing. What's a "Hulk Hogan song"? Why must he say "rassled"? Why does the "well" seem so awkward?

When I see the tips of their red hats start to emerge from the snow, I know spring is at hand. But they really don’t have anything to do with those two pop culture icons.

We have now established the fact that these three things don't have much in common.

Until now, thanks to the movie “Gnomeo and Juliet,” currently in theaters. My affinity for gnomes and Elton John music — I’ve seen him in concert at least once in each of the last four decades — attracted me to the flick, especially because it features a fabulously updated version of Sir Elton’s “Crocodile Rock,” which he sings with Nelly Furtado

You heard right, folks - he loves Elton John so much he has attended AT LEAST four of his concerts in the last 40 years! Now there's a fan. And yes, he missed a period after "Nelly Furtado". Way to proofread.

So along with Younger Daughter, a month removed from her 17th birthday, we finally coordinated schedules and were able to see the movie Sunday evening.

So who else did they see the movie with? "Along with Younger Daughter" implies there was a third party present.

Throughout the previews and for the first several minutes of the movie, we were the only ones in the Oaks theater, which we determined would provide a great opportunity to get up and dance during “Crocodile Rock” without fear of embarrassment.
Unfortunately, four other people did enter the theater moments later, which is probably a good thing because Elton himself —executive producer of the movie — would have probably jumped through the screen to tell me to sit down and quit embarrassing myself.

But... I thought he could dance "without fear of embarrassment." It seems like an odd idea that Elton's status as executive producer somehow gives him the power to "jump through the screen."

The movie — based, of course, on Bill Shakespeare’s work —

Damn you, sir. Don't drag Shakespeare through the mud by mentioning him here. Do you think Borsch has ever read a Shakespeare play? Probably not - no baseball, hot dogs or country music material in them.

boasts the voices of some top-shelf acting talent like James McAvoy (Gnomeo), Emily Blunt (Juliet) Maggie Smith (Lady Blueberry, Gnomeo’s mom), Michael Caine (Lord Redbrick, Juliet’s dad) and of course Hulk Hogan, who plays the voice of a lawn mower called the “Terrafirminator” in all his growly rasslin’ fervor. (Those of you who refuse to put Hogan in the same category as those other actors and actresses obviously haven’t seen “Mr. Nanny.”)

I would have picked "Suburban Commando" as Mr. Hogan's true tour-de-force, but Borsch and I will just have to agree to disagree. Maggie Smith and Michael Caine, okay... but James McAvoy and Emily Blunt now qualify as "top-shelf acting talent"?

Of course, the movie is wonderfully cute and sweet and the Elton John songs are, well Elton John songs, and they’re just as good in the context of a kids’ film as they’ve ever been in any other context.

"Of course"? As though it goes without saying that the film is cute and sweet? Why? We have another awkward use of "well," this time without a comma after it so that we get the odd "well Elton John songs". And we get a truly ludicrous number of superlatives about context.

But the main takeaway was that my teenage daughter didn’t mind going to this film with her old man. Because I’m so old I remember when rock was young. And as it turned out, me and her, we had so much fun.

Really - that's the "main takeaway"? That's odd, because the entire column has been about Elton John and the film's "all-star" cast. Also, please note the classic Borsch strategy of using song lyrics in sentence form.

Labels: Mike Morsch, Montgomery Newspapers, Outta Leftfield

Hey, here's an idea - how about labeling it with "Elton John," "Gnomeo and Juliet," or "Oaks Theater"? No? Okay then.