A little late, but...

Outta Leftfield: It's not easy trying to get a grip on the reality of golf technology
Published: Tuesday, March 22, 2011
By Mike Morsch
Executive Editor

Undoubtedly the latest in a long, long line of "things I don't understand" columns.

Golf is not my game. I have stated many times in this space over the years, when I hit a little white ball with a stick, I believe someone else should chase after it. I shouldn’t have to find it myself and then hit it again. Or in my case, again and again and again and again and again.

In over a year of reading his columns, I've never, ever seen him even reference golf before. Honestly, if Borsch tried to swing a golf club, he'd probably tear both his knees, throw out a hip and pull something in his back.

But a new golf product just might — and I stress “might” — make me rethink my position on golf.

It's amazing that a new golf product would impact his thoughts on golf. Paging the Department of Redundancy Department!

It’s called the SensoGlove, and it’s a golf glove that’s supposed to ensure that I have a consistently accurate, smooth and powerful golf swing that will produce greater distance on drives and lower overall scores.

Once again, we don't need to know that it's a golf glove that will improve your golf swing. That just goes without saying.

Right off the top of my head, I wish there was a glove that I could wear that when I grabbed a snow shovel. I would be assured of producing a more cleanly shoveled driveway with lower overall back and keister pain.

There should not be a period after "shovel." That's not even a sentence. Does shoving really punish the butt area? Not in my experience.

I’d also like to point out that for occasional recreational golfers, the very first thing we’d need to do to ensure a more accurate, smooth and powerful swing that will produce longer drives and lower scores would be to not place a cooler of beer on the back of a golf cart. That would certainly improve my game, if I were concerned about the more important aspects of golf. Usually I am concerned more about the refreshments until I get to No. 14, at which time I become more concerned about trying to avoid driving the golf cart through every dadgummed sprinkler on the golf course. As you can imagine, that has become a more challenging aspect of golf for me over the years than actually putting the ball in the hole.

Woah, who could have imagined that he'd introduce BEER into the column? And why would the "dadgummed" sprinklers become a concern only at No. 14?

In fact, I am so unconcerned with my golf score that on those rare occasions where I do hit the links, I usually keep score not by the number of strokes I take but by the number of golf balls that I lose. I usually finish a round of 18 holes with about a 22, which I believe is still the course record at Lincoln Greens in Springfield, Ill. And yes, I am very proud.

And here I thought we'd get through an entire column without a reference to his Illinois roots. What a fool I am.

But with something like the SensoGlove, it sounds like maybe I wouldn’t spend as much time in the weeds. It has built-in digital sensors that continuously read the user’s grip pressure. According to promotional material about the glove, its “small, sweat-proof 1.2-inch LED digital monitor analyzes the pressure of the swing through highly responsive sensors placed throughout the glove. Just swing the golf club to receive real-time audio and visual feedback at 80 times per second by the small sensors that warn you if you exceed your target level of grip pressure.”

I don't know about you, but I just LOVE it when he repeats the product's promotional information.

Sweat-proof? LED digital monitor? Real-time audio and video? Grip pressure? It’s golf for crimminy sakes! See, this is what happens when you let the scientists get a hold of a crate of golf gloves. They go all Einstein on a project like this and come up with something that Al Czervik would drag out to Bushwood Country Club for a round with Mr. Wang.

Yeah, because only an Einstein could comprehend real-time audio and video. Seriously. Slow down, egghead.

Here is where I start to become confused, which as you know is a common occurrence, and even more so when it comes to golf. So maybe you regular golfers can help me out on this. The SensoGlove folks are stressing that the key to a good golf score is the proper lightness of one’s grip on the club, thereby avoiding bad habits and injuries.

But doesn’t a golfer still have to put the club on the ball? In other words, wouldn’t a proper backswing, impact, follow-through, hand-eye coordination and the ability to chip and putt all be just as important to a low golf score as the proper grip of the club?

Why, suddenly he's a pro! He knows all the terminology! But please, stop prefacing everything with the word "golf." We know what sport you're playing.

I believe I already know the answer to that, which the rules clearly state earns me a dozen Cuban cigars for my next round. (I need a dozen not because I could smoke that many over the course of 18 holes but because many of them will get wet from the sprinklers and those that don’t will probably end up lost somewhere along the way.)

What? What rules? Why a dozen Cuban cigars? Why the constant sprinkler references?

Of course, for only $89, I can purchase the SensoGlove and find out for myself. Fortunately, the SensoGlove — made of fine cabretta leather, which I’m sure was traumatic for the cabrettas — is available for both hands and for both men and women. In fact, the digital monitor can be removed, and the SensoGlove can function as a regular golf glove, good news for those of us whose carts spend a lot of time near the sprinklers.

STOP SAYING GOLF. And I just can't get enough sprinkler references!

The SensoGlove people are calling this the perfect Father’s Day gift. Pfffftttt. The perfect Father’s Day gift would be a glove that helped chill bottles.

Unless you drink out of a can.