The Rope-A-Dope

Outta Leftfield
Published: Wednesday, May 26, 2010
By Mike Morsch
Executive Editor

Avoid birthday gift grilling or risk ending up lost

There is so much that Morsch could possibly address, based on the (possible) puns in the title. We know from his previous column that it was the Blonde Accountant's birthday recently. Did he buy her a grill? Did he grill food for her? Or did she "grill" him about what the gift was? Did he buy her the board game Risk, or is the column related to the finale of "Lost"?

Given all the hoopla surrounding it, a discussion of the season finale of “Lost” might be in order this week.

Oh, I know him so well. So very, very well. As you know, I do these in "real time," reacting to each sentence as it comes. I don't read ahead. I'm so proud of myself.

But I need a new outdoor grill and priorities being what they are … well, you know.

No... no, I don't know. So instead of talking about "Lost," you're going to talk about... a grill? Why, sir, why?

Besides, I was not heavily invested in “Lost” as I am more of a “Gilligan’s Island” guy. In fact, I stopped being interested in “Lost” when it became apparent that the Harlem Globetrotters weren’t going to show up on the island and play a basketball game against a team of Smoke Monsters.

Did you know that "Gilligan's Island" is miserably, miserably unfunny? It's true. So it's totally unsurprising that Morsch loves it.

As fate would have it, though, the need for a new outdoor grill just happened to coincide with the “Lost” finale and The Blonde Accountant’s birthday, one in which she turned 29.

So he needed a new grill... in exactly the same two-hour timeframe in which the "Lost" finale was on? Like, at 9:00 PM EST?

I can smell what might be coming here, so I'll just say that it's extremely bad form to buy someone a present that you hope to use yourself.

Now, normally I am not stuck for birthday and anniversary gift ideas for The Blonde Accountant. I choose from a relatively diverse group of options that includes jewelry, jewelry, jewelry, jewelry and oh ya … jewelry. She and her ears, fingers, neck and wrists enjoy turning 29 every year quite a bit.

Hey, wait a second - ALL the options were jewelry! That's now "diverse" at all! That slays me. And I'm sure he thinks that all the women in his audience are nodding knowingly at Morsch's clever "turning 29" references. It's odd, though, that he claims to be clueless when it comes to, like, doing the wash, but is wise enough not to reveal his wife's age.

So this is how this year’s conversation went:

I'm bracing myself for one of Morsch's usual fictional conversations, complete with painfully lame comic flourishes.

Me: “Honey, I’m a little stuck for an idea for your birthday this year. Is there anything you would like?”

TBA: “You’re never stuck for an idea. What happened?”

Me: “Uh … well … hmmmm. I, uh … rats.” (The correct response to that should have been, “I’m an idiot. Please forgive me.”)

I don't see what the issue is here... he's an idiot because he can't think of a gift idea? That's not so bad. At least he's asking. His response is also undoubtedly made up.

TBA: “We could really use a new grill.”

Me: “You want a grill for your birthday? Really?”

Translated from wifespeak, “We could really use a new grill” actually means, “What, are you kidding me, pal?”

This exchange 1.) doesn't make sense as a real-life conversation, and 2.) doesn't make sense as a made-up "funny" conversation.

See, I have learned a few things over the years. One of the things I learned is that I do not want to be known as The Mope Who Bought His Wife an Outdoor Grill for Her Birthday.

The "Mope"? I don't think that's the word he's looking for. I initially thought he was trying to type "dope," but the M and the D are pretty far apart... even for his grotesque sausage fingers.

I’ve also learned that if I were going to be thaaaaaaattttt stupid, I’d be stupid in the big-screen television department and not the outdoor grill department. Go big stupid or don’t go at all, I always say.

"Big Stupid" is a good nickname for Morsch, actually. And you can shorten it to "B.S." I like it.

Naturally, I went directly to the big home improvement store that has the widest selection of outdoor grills looking for jewelry. Hey, jewelry is sold at Costco, why wouldn’t it be sold at Home Depot?

Wow, that's a long-distance call-back to his Costco article right there. Does this smack of his usual "heap praise upon stores and restaurants" strategy?

To nobody’s surprise but my own apparently, there was no jewelry to be found amongst the outdoor grills. As long as I was already there, though, I decided to explore the outdoor grill options.

Alright, we know you're not there for jewelry, okay? We know you're there for grills. Why introduce the jewelry thing in the first place?

Did you know that one could spend upwards of $1,200 on an outdoor grill?

Yes.

I pondered the possibilities ever so briefly but deemed the price tag too exorbitant, especially when other models were priced under $300. Besides, I couldn’t really see how The Blonde Accountant was going to accessorize with that top-of-the-line model of grill anyway, despite all the pairs of black shoes in her closet.

I'm not Morsch, so I'm not going to do internet research on how much grills cost. But for under $300, I'm guessing you're walking away with one of those charcoal grills. Correct me if I'm wrong.

Succumbing to better judgment — which by the way doesn’t happen nearly as often as I’d like it to — I left the home improvement store without buying a grill and headed directly to the jewelry store.

You don't "succumb" to better judgement, sir. This story is rapidly going off the rails - was this whole "grill" thing just a dead end? A rabbit trail?

For the record, one of the reasons I was stuck for a birthday gift idea this year is that I have been consistent over the years in this area. The reality is, The Blonde Accountant is running out of ears, fingers, necks and wrists to adorn. Assuming that she could find matching shoes, I suppose she could feasibly strap an outdoor grill to her back as an additional accessory but I believe that would really draw attention away from the other pieces of jewelry I have purchased for her over the years.

Boy, that was an ugly paragraph. Just try saying it out loud.

In the final analysis, the decision to go with a pearl bracelet from the jewelry store rather than an outdoor grill from the home improvement store, I think, will be seen as a sound decision.

Alright, good for him that he didn't buy the grill. But can you really base a column on something you DIDN'T do? Also, why is Morsch being so delicate about referencing the stores by name?

It also eliminated the perpetual problem of the wrapping of said present that I always have because I couldn’t find a gift bag big enough in which to fit an outdoor grill.

... But you still have to wrap the pearl bracelet. Or do you frequently have trouble wrapping outdoor grills?

I still don’t have a new grill. But as the curtain draws on the finale of another wifely birthday, I’m proud to say I didn’t end up as lost as I could have been.

How would you have been lost if you got the grill? But I forget - Morsch ALWAYS has to use one word from the title in the last sentence. Still, I'd like him to explain why the word "lost" was included at all. He references the TV show of the same name, but in no way is it related to him making the choice between jewelry and a grill.