Full Of It

Outta Leftfield: Here’s the real scoop on this ‘canine calling card’ issue
Published: Wednesday, May 12, 2010

By Mike Morsch
Executive Editor

All I had to do was read the headline to think: Uh-oh. The mix of "scoop" and "canine" indicates that we're in for a marathon of poop and poop-scooping jokes.

It was “National Scoop the Poop Week” a few weeks ago. I know, I missed it, too.

Running gag alert! This is terribly reminiscent of the "National Cheese Ball Day" article a few weeks back.

It turns out that this is a week devoted to encouraging pet owners to clean up after their pets. This is all fine and good because we should clean up after our pets. Not only is it the right thing to do, but it’s an environmentally prudent practice as well.

Is it? No pun intended, but it sounds a little bit like Morsch is talking out of his butt here. I have a feeling we'll be waiting for quite some time for Morsch's essay on the environmental impact of pet droppings.

But minimal research on my part — and really, when one is researching the scooping of poop, it’s probably best to keep said research to a minimum — revealed that there are actually two different weeks devoted to this activity.

Uh-oh... this is almost surely the beginning of some long, pointless repetition of stuff Morsch found on the Internet.

According to the Association of Professional Animal Waste Specialists (aPaws), “International Pooper Scooper Week” is April 1-7. This, of course, has nothing to do with April Fools’ Day even through the two “holidays” cross paths with each other.

Is that a joke?

But I also found evidence that “National Scoop the Poop Week” is from April 24-30 because that is the time “between the storms of winter and the backyard barbecues of summer for dog owners to catch up on cleaning up all those canine calling cards that have accumulated during the winter months.” I’m not sure to whom I should attribute that quote, but it is apparent that the person is an expert poop scooper.

I don't know how many uses of the words "poop" and "scoop" I can take. He's going at a rate of two per paragraph.

Given the fact that there seems to be two weeks devoted to this activity, I think it’s safe to conclude that April is a poopie month. (My apologies to all of you with April birthdays.)

A man of a certain age - say, over 9 - shouldn't be saying "poopie." It's just wrong.

But when pondering the aforementioned information, two things come immediately to mind, one a question and one a comment: (1) What coursework does one have to complete to be designated as a “professional” animal waste specialist?

I don't know that anyone claims to be an animal waste specialist. Did anyone claim that as their field of study? Or is he just making this up?

(2) And I do believe that referring to what my dog does in the yard as a “canine calling card” exhibits a relatively high level of creativity by the person who coined that phrase.

"Relatively" being the key phrase. Relative to Morsch, the guy is the God of Comedy.

One need look no further than Washington, D.C., I suppose, to find a large group of people who would qualify as “professional waste specialists,” animal or otherwise. And really, from my personal experience, there doesn’t seem to be any great talent required to bending over and picking up dog doo out of the front yard, although if I do want to interject some panache into the proceedings, I will sometimes scoop while speaking with a Maurice Chevalier accent (and a bad one, at that).

... What? That was not only a painfully long sentence, but a painfully lame one as well.

As an aside,

Oh lord.

I’ve always considered the compromising positions that, dogs especially, have to put themselves in to deposit a calling card on the lawn as embarrassing for the animal. They look so vulnerable and in need of privacy that I can’t believe that somebody somewhere along the line hasn’t invented a doggie outhouse or something that would at least interject some dignity to the proceedings.

Animals aren't embarassed or have a need for privacy. Do they look embarassed when they hump your guest's leg? That's also two paragraphs ending with "interject X to the proceedings."

Maybe somebody has invented such a thing, but really, I’ve already spent too much valuable research time educating myself on “National Scoop the Poop Week” that I have precious little desire left to research “doggie outhouses.”

You've also spent too much of our valuable living time on this column.

Aside from all the humor that this topic provides,

Humor? This topic provided humor? Did I miss something?

the environmental aspect is worth noting. According to the Centers for Disease Control, independent laboratories and medical experts, there is an estimated 10 million tons of doggie doo produced annually by 80 million dogs in the United States.

How many million tons are produced by cattle and livestock? Any analysis of their environmental impact?

Ladies and gentlemen, we already are scooping a whole lot of poochie poo.

Disgusting. I hate his euphemisms for dog crap.

It’s amazing to me that April is the only month in which we are trying to bring awareness to the issue. The problem is, an increasing amount of the wagglers’ waste is ending up in drinking water, in lakes and rivers, on beaches in parks and campgrounds and in yards. This makes sense because those are places where a lot of people and a lot of dogs like to hang out.

Until the cholera epidemic breaks out, I don't see how this is a problem. I'd also like to know how stray dog poop is making its way into our "drinking water." I also like how he treated the Cheese Ball Day thing as a joke, but he's taking this one "seriously."

The nonprofit aPaws organization is serious about addressing this problem. On its website, it suggests that if a pet owner is considering hiring a professional animal waste specialist, he/she should get the best pooper scooper around, a person who meets the organization’s high standards.

I am at the point where I don't know whether to take this seriously or not.

I giggle at the hiring of the aforementioned specialist not because of the admirable mission of protecting the environment but at the fact that I always seem to have a Beavis and Butthead type of reaction on the subject of dog poo.

I don't think Beavis and Butthead did much "giggling," and they also weren't 50-year-old newspaper editors, but I won't split hairs.

It seems to me that this subject is made to order for those with a sense of humor.

Yes - and when you find such a person, let me know.

The difference being that a lighter touch could actually draw more attention to a serious environmental issue.

What would be a "lighter touch"? What's the "serious environmental issue"?

And that’s the real scoop here.

I'm not going to touch how lame the "scoop" pun is. But what exactly is "the scoop"? Poop is funny, but is also serious? How does this... what does this... oh never mind.