Tuesday, March 15, 2011
Bobblehead immortality
Having read nothing but the title, I'm guessing that this hilarious entry in the Borsch canon will be an add for a contest that gets your face on a bobblehead.
Whenever I get a hankering for some home cooking, I can usually count on my boyhood friend Greg Batton to help me out.
Ah, a little walk down the "growing up in Illinois" pathway, eh? Greg is notorious for being slightly more amusing that his boyhood friend Mike.
Greg and his partner Dan Diorio are morning radio personalities at 1470 WMBD radio in Peoria. I’ve had the pleasure of being on their show a few times over the years when I’m back in Illinois visiting family.
Wow! Why, that practically makes you a celebrity!
And every once in a while — usually when it snows two feet at a time here in Philly — they’ll call me at some ridiculously early hour of the morning and put me on the air to tell the people of Peoria that, yes, it does indeed snow a whole bunch in Philly sometimes. I’m not sure how useful that information is to folks in central Illinois, but we yuk it up and have a good time with it.
Woo-hoo! Only a truly zany morning radio host would think to discuss the weather - always a topic that provides plentiful "yuks."
One time a few years ago, Greg offered his listeners a “What Can I Do For You” campaign on his Facebook page. Essentially, he wanted to do something nice for someone. It was no surprise, he’s been a nice guy his entire life.
That comma should be a semicolon.
It so happened that the day after that Facebook posting, I was headed to Yankee Stadium for a ballgame, so I posted on his Facebook that evening, “You can buy me a hotdog tomorrow at Yankee Stadium.”
Heading to Yankee Stadium for a ballgame... that's a new one on me. And Greg can't be a very nice guy if the thing he does for someone is buy a hotdog for Borsch to ram down his gullet.
I knew that would get him. Greg loves a goofy challenge like that. Radio guys are that way when it comes to goofy stuff.
Well, the guy tried and tried, utilizing every connection he had between Peoria and New York, to get that hotdog to me, but to no avail. Not to be deterred, a few days later, a dozen hotdogs were delivered to my office from a restaurant in Fort Washington.
Because if there's anything he needs, it's more hot dogs. Is this really "funny" material? Is this an "amusing" story?
They weren’t Yankee Stadium hotdogs, but they were even better because Greg had gone to such trouble from halfway across the country to fulfill my request.
Recently, I wanted something else that can only be found in Peoria — it’s called a gondola, which is sort of the central Illinois version of a hoagie, only better. It’s made at a Peoria eatery called Avanti’s and I’ve been going there since I was a kid for that sandwich.
This would be a terribly boring story even if you were just telling it to a friend at the office. Does he really think that the rest of the world cares what kind of sandwiches he got as a kid?
And once again, Greg is on top of this request. But this time, I can do something for him in return.
The Peoria Chiefs, the Chicago Cubs’ Class A minor league baseball team, is running an online “media bobblehead contest.” Personalities from several different media in the Peoria area are involved. The one who gets the most online votes will eventually have his/her likeness on a bobblehead produced by the team.
How cool is that?
The title of the post is "Bobblehead Immortality." We are 2/3 of the way through the post before the first bobblehead reference is made. Thank goodness we got that hilarious hot dog story though!
Greg says that if he and Dan win the promotion and end up being immortalized with their own bobblehead, (since they are a team, they have to “share” one head of the bobble, and I’m not sure how that’s going to work) then he’ll make good on my Avanti’s gondolas request.
I don’t know how he’ll get them out here to Philly in edible condition, but believe me when I say these sammiches are good enough for this kind of effort, and I’m confident that he’ll find a way.
"Sammich." I hate this man.
So I’m calling for Philly for be the difference maker here by voting for Greg and Dan to win this promotion and for me to get my gondolas. Go to www.peoriachiefs.com/mediabobblehead and vote often.
If anything - anything - counts as a "Blatant Promotion Alert," this is it. He has two points to this column:
1.) Help personal friend win contest
2.) Obtain sandwiches
He's not even bothering to be funny about it. Someone, please, take away this man's keyboard.
If the gondolas do actually make their way to Philly, I’ll invite a handful of you over to share a taste of the Midwest.
They really are that good.
We all know he'd never share food with anyone.
Labels: Mike Morsch, Montgomery Newspapers, Outta Leftfield
Does he understand what a "label" is? And fine, if he wants to label his own blog with his own name and the blog title, fine... but how are ANY of these related to Montgomery Newspapers?
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
Thursday, March 10, 2011
Avoiding the Topic
Outta Leftfield: Sex in the name of education gives new meaning to PDA
Published: Wednesday, March 09, 2011
By Mike Morsch
Executive Editor
The list of things I don't want Borsch to write about could probably circle the globe; this one is at the top of the list.
Oh boy. Cover your eyes on this next topic. At the very least, it’s got an R-rating, maybe worse. And you kids out there, well, you may need to explain some of this to your parents.
So... he didn't want to write about poop in his last column, even though he has before. But he'll write about sex. I shudder.
Turns out a sexuality professor at Northwestern University has raised some eyebrows recently by offering his students the opportunity to watch, uh … um … a live sex demonstration as part of the class. (Now would be the time for the more prudish among you to read with one eye covered.)
It appears that at Northwestern, PDA doesn’t stand for Public Display of Affection but Pretty Dadgummed Amazing.
Since he's writing about something that's been reported on by someone else, can we expect the typical "According to a story on [website name]" sentence?
Let me say this upfront: I graduated from a Big Ten school, the University of Iowa, and I hail from Illinois,
HOLY CRAP! You don't say so!
so I am familiar with Northwestern University, a fine institution of higher education in Evanston, Ill., just north of Chicago. It’s always had a top-notch journalism program.
If you graduated from it, sir, it dropped a notch.
But obviously, I was educated in a different era. As a not-yet-18-year-old going off to school in the fall of 1977, I had trouble adjusting to college life. When the first semester grades came out, I got a call from my dad.
“Hey, son, I just received your semester grades,” my dad, a school superintendent with a master’s degree in education, said into the phone.
After stating that he received his grades, is it really necessary to have another sentence stating that he received his grades? Cut one, for Pete's sake! You're an EDITOR!
“Really? How’d I do, Pop?” I said, rather smugly, typical of the young wannabe jock who was convinced at that point he was going to play professional baseball for a living.
Instead, he makes his living not being able to write about baseball.
“Not so good young man. You got a 1.7 grade point average,” he said with more than a bit of disgust. “What are you doing out there in Iowa?”
“Well, best I can tell, I’m playing baseball, drinking beer and chasing women,” I said to my dad.
Completely fictional conversation, obviously. And completely unnecessary "I said to my dad" - we KNOW who you're talking to, sir.
“I don’t think that’s why you’re there, young man,” he countered. (He always called me “young man” when he was particularly peeved at me.)
“Well, Pop, I don’t know how much better it can get for me,” I said.
At which point he reached through the phone and slapped me back into reality.
Borsch either has flawless recall, or this was really the most hilarious exchange he could think up. Which is sad.
I tell that story to illustrate not only the change in times, but the change in attitudes. I can guarantee you that my smart-alecky remark elicited that type of reaction that one would expect from a school administrator in 1977. In fact, I was grounded until just last year, five years after my dad died. (He was as intimidating on education issues as much in death as he was in life, and his will clearly stated that I was to remain grounded until 2010.)
He mustn't have been a very good educator, or he might have cautioned you against using "as" and "as much" in the same sentence like that. Fool.
But I can assure you that if my answer would have been, “I’m playing baseball, drinking beer, chasing women AND viewing live sex shows in class,” my dad would have been in his car on the way to Iowa City to drag me by my ear back to Peoria. And he would have knocked down the entire university with his bare hands just to make his point that live sex shows were not a lifelong educator’s idea of “educating.”
So far we've had a whole lot of "illustrating," and a whole little of the purported topic of this column.
According to wire service reports,
There we go.
the Northwestern professor, John Michael Bailey, was teaching the sexuality class one session that focused on kinky sex. (There was no sex in Iowa in the 1970s, let alone kinky sex. In fact, I haven’t been back to Iowa in a while but I’m fairly certain little has changed in the sexual mores department in the Heartland.)
What's with the "in fact"? It's clear that he's actually trying to be funny this time around, but it's equally clear he has no idea how to succeed.
Professor Bailey, reportedly one of the more popular teachers at Northwestern (go figure), often ends his class sessions by inviting students to stay after class to hear additional lectures from sex therapists, swingers, transgender women and others.
(I can hear my dad now: “Young man, what’s a transgender woman?”)
Ah, that really is just what he'd say! Classic Elder Morsch.
Apparently, after the session in question, Bailey had invited a guy and his fiancée who were “turned on by the thought of sex acts in the nude in front of large groups of people” to participate in a demonstration.
As I often do in these types of situation, I like to quote that great philosopher Scooby-Doo: “Rut-row Raggy.”
I had that "rut-row" thing with the very core of my being. People can say it a billion times and still think it's fresh and witty. To quote Family Guy, it's as lame as FDR's legs, and it's aged as well, too.
Talk about extra credit. I won’t go into any further detail except to say that about 100 students stayed after class to watch, word got out that this sort of thing was sanctioned by the university, some folks got their shorts in the knot and the Scooby-Doo hit the fan.
Poop reference! Not so squeamish about it now, are you? But still pretty shy about addressing the topic of your column in any way. Don't worry - with a few more years of practice, you'll get there.
But leave it to the free press to come to the rescue. The university’s newspaper, The Daily Northwestern, defended the decision to allow the sex demonstration and called it relevant to the class discussion of kinky sex. (I’m going to have to review my college transcripts. I don’t recall that Kinky Sex 101 was available.)
My advice would be to read your own story - it was a section in a class on sexuality, not its own class.
Those ratfink school newspaper folks, always a bastion of liberal thought — and apparently a bit into kinky as well.
It all makes me wonder if education has passed me by.
Yes. Yes it has.
I mean, I’m old, but I’m not dead. In fact, I’ve been toying with the idea of going back and getting my master’s degree.
At Northwestern. In journalism, of course.
Maybe you should start by taking an entry-level composition course.
Published: Wednesday, March 09, 2011
By Mike Morsch
Executive Editor
The list of things I don't want Borsch to write about could probably circle the globe; this one is at the top of the list.
Oh boy. Cover your eyes on this next topic. At the very least, it’s got an R-rating, maybe worse. And you kids out there, well, you may need to explain some of this to your parents.
So... he didn't want to write about poop in his last column, even though he has before. But he'll write about sex. I shudder.
Turns out a sexuality professor at Northwestern University has raised some eyebrows recently by offering his students the opportunity to watch, uh … um … a live sex demonstration as part of the class. (Now would be the time for the more prudish among you to read with one eye covered.)
It appears that at Northwestern, PDA doesn’t stand for Public Display of Affection but Pretty Dadgummed Amazing.
Since he's writing about something that's been reported on by someone else, can we expect the typical "According to a story on [website name]" sentence?
Let me say this upfront: I graduated from a Big Ten school, the University of Iowa, and I hail from Illinois,
HOLY CRAP! You don't say so!
so I am familiar with Northwestern University, a fine institution of higher education in Evanston, Ill., just north of Chicago. It’s always had a top-notch journalism program.
If you graduated from it, sir, it dropped a notch.
But obviously, I was educated in a different era. As a not-yet-18-year-old going off to school in the fall of 1977, I had trouble adjusting to college life. When the first semester grades came out, I got a call from my dad.
“Hey, son, I just received your semester grades,” my dad, a school superintendent with a master’s degree in education, said into the phone.
After stating that he received his grades, is it really necessary to have another sentence stating that he received his grades? Cut one, for Pete's sake! You're an EDITOR!
“Really? How’d I do, Pop?” I said, rather smugly, typical of the young wannabe jock who was convinced at that point he was going to play professional baseball for a living.
Instead, he makes his living not being able to write about baseball.
“Not so good young man. You got a 1.7 grade point average,” he said with more than a bit of disgust. “What are you doing out there in Iowa?”
“Well, best I can tell, I’m playing baseball, drinking beer and chasing women,” I said to my dad.
Completely fictional conversation, obviously. And completely unnecessary "I said to my dad" - we KNOW who you're talking to, sir.
“I don’t think that’s why you’re there, young man,” he countered. (He always called me “young man” when he was particularly peeved at me.)
“Well, Pop, I don’t know how much better it can get for me,” I said.
At which point he reached through the phone and slapped me back into reality.
Borsch either has flawless recall, or this was really the most hilarious exchange he could think up. Which is sad.
I tell that story to illustrate not only the change in times, but the change in attitudes. I can guarantee you that my smart-alecky remark elicited that type of reaction that one would expect from a school administrator in 1977. In fact, I was grounded until just last year, five years after my dad died. (He was as intimidating on education issues as much in death as he was in life, and his will clearly stated that I was to remain grounded until 2010.)
He mustn't have been a very good educator, or he might have cautioned you against using "as" and "as much" in the same sentence like that. Fool.
But I can assure you that if my answer would have been, “I’m playing baseball, drinking beer, chasing women AND viewing live sex shows in class,” my dad would have been in his car on the way to Iowa City to drag me by my ear back to Peoria. And he would have knocked down the entire university with his bare hands just to make his point that live sex shows were not a lifelong educator’s idea of “educating.”
So far we've had a whole lot of "illustrating," and a whole little of the purported topic of this column.
According to wire service reports,
There we go.
the Northwestern professor, John Michael Bailey, was teaching the sexuality class one session that focused on kinky sex. (There was no sex in Iowa in the 1970s, let alone kinky sex. In fact, I haven’t been back to Iowa in a while but I’m fairly certain little has changed in the sexual mores department in the Heartland.)
What's with the "in fact"? It's clear that he's actually trying to be funny this time around, but it's equally clear he has no idea how to succeed.
Professor Bailey, reportedly one of the more popular teachers at Northwestern (go figure), often ends his class sessions by inviting students to stay after class to hear additional lectures from sex therapists, swingers, transgender women and others.
(I can hear my dad now: “Young man, what’s a transgender woman?”)
Ah, that really is just what he'd say! Classic Elder Morsch.
Apparently, after the session in question, Bailey had invited a guy and his fiancée who were “turned on by the thought of sex acts in the nude in front of large groups of people” to participate in a demonstration.
As I often do in these types of situation, I like to quote that great philosopher Scooby-Doo: “Rut-row Raggy.”
I had that "rut-row" thing with the very core of my being. People can say it a billion times and still think it's fresh and witty. To quote Family Guy, it's as lame as FDR's legs, and it's aged as well, too.
Talk about extra credit. I won’t go into any further detail except to say that about 100 students stayed after class to watch, word got out that this sort of thing was sanctioned by the university, some folks got their shorts in the knot and the Scooby-Doo hit the fan.
Poop reference! Not so squeamish about it now, are you? But still pretty shy about addressing the topic of your column in any way. Don't worry - with a few more years of practice, you'll get there.
But leave it to the free press to come to the rescue. The university’s newspaper, The Daily Northwestern, defended the decision to allow the sex demonstration and called it relevant to the class discussion of kinky sex. (I’m going to have to review my college transcripts. I don’t recall that Kinky Sex 101 was available.)
My advice would be to read your own story - it was a section in a class on sexuality, not its own class.
Those ratfink school newspaper folks, always a bastion of liberal thought — and apparently a bit into kinky as well.
It all makes me wonder if education has passed me by.
Yes. Yes it has.
I mean, I’m old, but I’m not dead. In fact, I’ve been toying with the idea of going back and getting my master’s degree.
At Northwestern. In journalism, of course.
Maybe you should start by taking an entry-level composition course.
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
Yet Another Pre-Concert Interview
From Twitter:
Gov. Corbett's budget drawns mixed reaction locally.
"Drawns" - coming soon to any dictionary near you!
Storyteller Rodney Crowell to perform in Sellersville
Published: Tuesday, March 08, 2011
By Mike Morsch
Executive Editor
Well, it's not a country music concert, but... will Mr. Crowell describe the venue as "like being in someone's living room"? Will he refer to how intimate it is, and how you can relate more one-on-one with the audience?
Some of the highlights:
Rodney Crowell has always told stories with his songs. Now, he’s traveling the country telling stories about his storytelling, using both images and songs.
... What the hell does this even mean?
It evokes vivid memories of his childhood — of having volatile parents... beatings from his father... and how, through it all, he came to learn about love and forgiveness, all told with a gentle humor.
Got that? Volatile parents, abusive father, told with humor. Later:
His father... was a small town honky-tonk performer who always seemed on the brink of violence at home... Through it all though, Crowell tells his story with a humor not usually reserved for such domestic turmoil.
Got that? Abusive father, told with humor. I think we get it. We also learn that Mr. Crowell loves saying the word "narrative."
“Big metaphors work in songs. Whereas in trying to sustain a narrative, big metaphors betray the narrative because it becomes performance as opposed to narrative,” he said.
“The actual writer/audience relationship is very intimate. It’s really one-on-one. You entertain with what you manage to invoke in the audience’s mind. And to me, that’s a canvas I get to paint on with this one-man thing.”
In all fairness, I can't say that he's referring specifically to Sellserville when he says this.
Gov. Corbett's budget drawns mixed reaction locally.
"Drawns" - coming soon to any dictionary near you!
Storyteller Rodney Crowell to perform in Sellersville
Published: Tuesday, March 08, 2011
By Mike Morsch
Executive Editor
Well, it's not a country music concert, but... will Mr. Crowell describe the venue as "like being in someone's living room"? Will he refer to how intimate it is, and how you can relate more one-on-one with the audience?
Some of the highlights:
Rodney Crowell has always told stories with his songs. Now, he’s traveling the country telling stories about his storytelling, using both images and songs.
... What the hell does this even mean?
It evokes vivid memories of his childhood — of having volatile parents... beatings from his father... and how, through it all, he came to learn about love and forgiveness, all told with a gentle humor.
Got that? Volatile parents, abusive father, told with humor. Later:
His father... was a small town honky-tonk performer who always seemed on the brink of violence at home... Through it all though, Crowell tells his story with a humor not usually reserved for such domestic turmoil.
Got that? Abusive father, told with humor. I think we get it. We also learn that Mr. Crowell loves saying the word "narrative."
“Big metaphors work in songs. Whereas in trying to sustain a narrative, big metaphors betray the narrative because it becomes performance as opposed to narrative,” he said.
“The actual writer/audience relationship is very intimate. It’s really one-on-one. You entertain with what you manage to invoke in the audience’s mind. And to me, that’s a canvas I get to paint on with this one-man thing.”
In all fairness, I can't say that he's referring specifically to Sellserville when he says this.
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
Media Bias Ahoy!
Per a Borsch Twitter preview for a news story:
Rep. Josh Shapiro and Leslie Richards kick off the Dem campaign fo Montco commish. They're gonna win, you know.
Nice to see that our newspaper group editor maintains his journalistic neutrality, isn't it? Only a liberal douche like Borsch would flaunt his political bias so brazenly.
Sadly, he's right. Montgomery County PA has gone from Republican bastion to Democrat cesspool in one generation. Why? Because the vast majority of the GOP leadership share a number of similar traits:
1.) Old. These guys make Kirk Douglas look youthful. They have an undertaker on 24-hour standby. Their biggest special interest group is Depends Undergarments.
2.) White. Country-club white. Finding a black Republican in Montco is like finding a sober Irishman in March.
3.) Aggressively Passive. The idiots do nothing, and they're hostile about it. They don't do outreach because it wears out the batteries of their Rascals.
Rep. Josh Shapiro and Leslie Richards kick off the Dem campaign fo Montco commish. They're gonna win, you know.
Nice to see that our newspaper group editor maintains his journalistic neutrality, isn't it? Only a liberal douche like Borsch would flaunt his political bias so brazenly.
Sadly, he's right. Montgomery County PA has gone from Republican bastion to Democrat cesspool in one generation. Why? Because the vast majority of the GOP leadership share a number of similar traits:
1.) Old. These guys make Kirk Douglas look youthful. They have an undertaker on 24-hour standby. Their biggest special interest group is Depends Undergarments.
2.) White. Country-club white. Finding a black Republican in Montco is like finding a sober Irishman in March.
3.) Aggressively Passive. The idiots do nothing, and they're hostile about it. They don't do outreach because it wears out the batteries of their Rascals.
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
Refusing to Inform
Outta Leftfield: Don’t stick your tongue out at these whacky health practices
Published: Tuesday, March 01, 2011
By Mike Morsch
Executive Editor
Ah, the long-anticipated Borsch skewering of angioplasty and MRI.
If I were asked to name some practices that are good for one’s health, I’d say the usual things like daily exercise, eating right and staying away from smoking.
I would not, even after consuming mass quantities of cold adult beverages, have come up with … tongue scraping. Mostly because I have absolutely no idea what tongue scraping is or why on earth is would be good for one’s health.
Ho ho, goofy beer reference! What do you want to bet this column includes at least one appearance of this sentence: "According to the (insert organization website)..."
It certainly doesn’t sound like it would be good for one’s tongue.
But according to a story headlined “Five Whacky Things That Are Good for Your Health” on the LifeScience.com website,
Damn I'm good.
tongue scraping is on the list. I have a tendency to believe everything I read on LifeScience.com because it has the word “science” in it. And I also believe that scientists are smarter than me, so whatever they say I usually endorse.
Yep, you must never question SCIENCE... even if science itself is the process of endless questioning.
Take a moment to consider what tongue scraping might entail and why it would be good for one’s health, and then try to come up with four wackier things than tongue scraping that could be good for one’s health.
I couldn’t do it either.
Scraping your tongue with a toothbrush to prevent bad breath?
Acupuncture, firecupping, ear candling, enemas. That took me like three seconds.
Fortunately, the scientists have our collective backs on this topic. According to the story, the other four are vibrating exercise platforms, barefoot running, curing with parasites and fecal transplants.
Hmmm. Now I understand. If someone were to ask me to practice only one of these things to improve my health, tongue scraping might just be at the top of the list given the other choices.
Why oh why couldn't we get a fecal transplant article?
According to the article, tongue scraping is part of an ancient health code called “ayurveda.” Apparently, the practice entails placing something that resembles a small toilet brush as far back in one’s mouth as the gagging reflex will allow and then scraping one’s tongue clean for several minutes.
My initial reaction is that I am immediately suspicious of any health practice that involves jamming a toilet brush down the back of my throat.
Well, it's not actually a toilet brush... it only "resembles" one.
Apparently the ancient Ayurvedaians liked cold adult beverages as much as subsequent civilizations because any group of people that can get the weaker links in the herd to jam toilet brushes down their throats in the name of good health sounds like a partying bunch to me.
I always thought that it was getting high, not drunk, that caused the wacky ideas. When does the repeated use of "cold adult beverages" stop being more amusing than just saying "beer"?
As for the other four, there are shreds of evidence that these things have actually been studied by scientists and might actually have some merit. For example, although studies are somewhat inconclusive at this point, there is at least some segment of researchers out there who make a good case that running barefoot is better for one than running in shoes. I’ve actually seen people at my walking track who are out there barefooted, both walking and running, so some people must believe in it.
So wait... what is the "evidence" that tongue scraping is good for us? Also, by "walking track," does he mean, like, a sidewalk?
The theory behind vibrating exercise platforms is that if one stands on these things for a few minutes and then jumps off and continues to exercise, the vibration is supposed to help one go faster, higher, etc. Scientists say it helps, but it seems to me it may make one’s hind end kind of tingly. I’ve found nothing in the medical books or scientific journals that a tingly hind end is good for one’s health, but I’m sure someone somewhere is studying that.
Sigh. This one is painfully uneventful.
As for curing with parasites, well that apparently involves infecting oneself with hookworm, an intestinal parasite, which protects against allergies and maybe even Crohn’s Disease and multiple sclerosis.
If there’s anything that would make me rush right out to the store and grab a toilet brush to shove down my goozlepipe, it would be the suggestion that I purposely allow myself to be infected with an intestinal parasite.
"Goozlepipe"? Here's an idea that will add instant comedy to your dull, boring column - add plenty of wacky, folksy words!
Which brings us to the most obnoxious and most disgusting of the five wacky things that are supposed to be good for one’s health: fecal transplants, otherwise known as fecal bacteriotherapy, which I suppose could be considered a slightly less gross naming convention.
I can’t even describe this procedure to you because of its offensive nature, so just go ahead and look it up on your own. Make sure to do it before lunch.
Magnificent - the one potentially humorous and interesting part of the article, and he leaves it out. Bravo, sir. Didn't he publish an entire column about dog poop (and another one about dinosaur poop)? Suddenly the subject is offensive?
The real question with this one is: How in tarnation did the scientists and medical people stumble upon something like this? And how do you suppose the first guy who ever had this procedure reacted when he was told what was going to be done to him?
WARNING: Unamusing dialogue ahead. It's even less amusing because Borsch hasn't told us what the procedure is.
“You’re going to do what? You guys run out of cold adult beverages and toilet brushes or something?”
Remove funnybone... ha... ha... ha.
So there you have it. You want to be healthier, just get whacky with your health practices.
And you didn’t think tongue scraping was going to be appealing at all, did you?
Once again, we know precious little more about tongue scraping after reading this article than we did before. I know he claims that his wife reads these before he publishes them, but does anyone else? Shouldn't he have at least one person who can veto the most glaringly horrible ones?
Published: Tuesday, March 01, 2011
By Mike Morsch
Executive Editor
Ah, the long-anticipated Borsch skewering of angioplasty and MRI.
If I were asked to name some practices that are good for one’s health, I’d say the usual things like daily exercise, eating right and staying away from smoking.
I would not, even after consuming mass quantities of cold adult beverages, have come up with … tongue scraping. Mostly because I have absolutely no idea what tongue scraping is or why on earth is would be good for one’s health.
Ho ho, goofy beer reference! What do you want to bet this column includes at least one appearance of this sentence: "According to the (insert organization website)..."
It certainly doesn’t sound like it would be good for one’s tongue.
But according to a story headlined “Five Whacky Things That Are Good for Your Health” on the LifeScience.com website,
Damn I'm good.
tongue scraping is on the list. I have a tendency to believe everything I read on LifeScience.com because it has the word “science” in it. And I also believe that scientists are smarter than me, so whatever they say I usually endorse.
Yep, you must never question SCIENCE... even if science itself is the process of endless questioning.
Take a moment to consider what tongue scraping might entail and why it would be good for one’s health, and then try to come up with four wackier things than tongue scraping that could be good for one’s health.
I couldn’t do it either.
Scraping your tongue with a toothbrush to prevent bad breath?
Acupuncture, firecupping, ear candling, enemas. That took me like three seconds.
Fortunately, the scientists have our collective backs on this topic. According to the story, the other four are vibrating exercise platforms, barefoot running, curing with parasites and fecal transplants.
Hmmm. Now I understand. If someone were to ask me to practice only one of these things to improve my health, tongue scraping might just be at the top of the list given the other choices.
Why oh why couldn't we get a fecal transplant article?
According to the article, tongue scraping is part of an ancient health code called “ayurveda.” Apparently, the practice entails placing something that resembles a small toilet brush as far back in one’s mouth as the gagging reflex will allow and then scraping one’s tongue clean for several minutes.
My initial reaction is that I am immediately suspicious of any health practice that involves jamming a toilet brush down the back of my throat.
Well, it's not actually a toilet brush... it only "resembles" one.
Apparently the ancient Ayurvedaians liked cold adult beverages as much as subsequent civilizations because any group of people that can get the weaker links in the herd to jam toilet brushes down their throats in the name of good health sounds like a partying bunch to me.
I always thought that it was getting high, not drunk, that caused the wacky ideas. When does the repeated use of "cold adult beverages" stop being more amusing than just saying "beer"?
As for the other four, there are shreds of evidence that these things have actually been studied by scientists and might actually have some merit. For example, although studies are somewhat inconclusive at this point, there is at least some segment of researchers out there who make a good case that running barefoot is better for one than running in shoes. I’ve actually seen people at my walking track who are out there barefooted, both walking and running, so some people must believe in it.
So wait... what is the "evidence" that tongue scraping is good for us? Also, by "walking track," does he mean, like, a sidewalk?
The theory behind vibrating exercise platforms is that if one stands on these things for a few minutes and then jumps off and continues to exercise, the vibration is supposed to help one go faster, higher, etc. Scientists say it helps, but it seems to me it may make one’s hind end kind of tingly. I’ve found nothing in the medical books or scientific journals that a tingly hind end is good for one’s health, but I’m sure someone somewhere is studying that.
Sigh. This one is painfully uneventful.
As for curing with parasites, well that apparently involves infecting oneself with hookworm, an intestinal parasite, which protects against allergies and maybe even Crohn’s Disease and multiple sclerosis.
If there’s anything that would make me rush right out to the store and grab a toilet brush to shove down my goozlepipe, it would be the suggestion that I purposely allow myself to be infected with an intestinal parasite.
"Goozlepipe"? Here's an idea that will add instant comedy to your dull, boring column - add plenty of wacky, folksy words!
Which brings us to the most obnoxious and most disgusting of the five wacky things that are supposed to be good for one’s health: fecal transplants, otherwise known as fecal bacteriotherapy, which I suppose could be considered a slightly less gross naming convention.
I can’t even describe this procedure to you because of its offensive nature, so just go ahead and look it up on your own. Make sure to do it before lunch.
Magnificent - the one potentially humorous and interesting part of the article, and he leaves it out. Bravo, sir. Didn't he publish an entire column about dog poop (and another one about dinosaur poop)? Suddenly the subject is offensive?
The real question with this one is: How in tarnation did the scientists and medical people stumble upon something like this? And how do you suppose the first guy who ever had this procedure reacted when he was told what was going to be done to him?
WARNING: Unamusing dialogue ahead. It's even less amusing because Borsch hasn't told us what the procedure is.
“You’re going to do what? You guys run out of cold adult beverages and toilet brushes or something?”
Remove funnybone... ha... ha... ha.
So there you have it. You want to be healthier, just get whacky with your health practices.
And you didn’t think tongue scraping was going to be appealing at all, did you?
Once again, we know precious little more about tongue scraping after reading this article than we did before. I know he claims that his wife reads these before he publishes them, but does anyone else? Shouldn't he have at least one person who can veto the most glaringly horrible ones?
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
In-Depth Concert Review
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
Mutlu, surprise guest, rock WCL
If Mutlu is one person, that should be "rocks"; if it's more than one person, that should be "guests."
One of the many pleasures of the vibrant Philadelphia music scene is that occasionally there are some surprises. Such was the case Friday night at World Café Live.
Woah woah woah - don't you mean "at the Sellersville Theater"?
Among our favorite Philly musicians is singer-songwriter Mutlu (www.myspace.com/mutlusounds). The next generation of Philly soul, Mutlu has an absolutely wonderful voice. The Blonde Accountant and I first saw him a few years ago opening for Daryl Hall at the Keswick Theater in Glenside. He’s opened for John Oates at the Sellersville Theater and he’s done several gigs opening for Hall & Oates across the county as well as headlined his own shows at several local venues.
*Whew*. What relief! We couldn't hear about a concert, even one not held at the Sellersville Theater, without mentioning the Sellersville Theater! So when not opening for washed-up gentlemen named "Hall" and "Oates," Mutlu performs at bars on the weekends.
Currently, Mutlu both opens and sings backup for another Philly singer-songwriter, Amos Lee (www.amoslee.com), whose newest album, “Mission Bell,” recently hit No. 1 on the Billboard charts.
If Borsch advertised this as "a poorly-written blog about concerts I've attended and celebrities I've seen in public," I'd stop. Honestly. But he's not even trying to live up to his "humor" claims here.
Mutlu was the headliner Friday at World Café Live, another of the many great venues in our area. Openers included Deep River and Kuf Knotz.
Toward the end of Mutlu’s set, a special guest walked up on stage to join in, and it was none other than Amos Lee, who hung for a few songs. The crowd was already amped for Mutlu, and the unexpected appearance by Amos only heightened the concert experience.
This is probably the only time in my life I will hear the phrase "amped for Mutlu." I'm tempted to ask who the hell Amos Lee is, but I'm not cool and hip like Borsch, I guess.
Check out his video of the event: two minutes of the performance. Twenty-five seconds of Amos. Then the best part: a crooked Batman-villain-lair-esque shot of the venue's neon sign, and an awkward zoom that cuts off part of the sign. Fade out. Prominent "Video by Mike Morsch" credit.
It was a great evening of music in a great city for music. Growing up in the Midwest, we just didn’t have these types of entertainment options in Peoria.
"Come to Philadelphia: We Have Better Music than Peoria." How many times has this guy said something akin to "a great artist in a great venue" to describe an event like this?
Labels: Mike Morsch, Montgomery Newspapers, Mutlu, Outta Leftfield, World Cafe Live
Mutlu, surprise guest, rock WCL
If Mutlu is one person, that should be "rocks"; if it's more than one person, that should be "guests."
One of the many pleasures of the vibrant Philadelphia music scene is that occasionally there are some surprises. Such was the case Friday night at World Café Live.
Woah woah woah - don't you mean "at the Sellersville Theater"?
Among our favorite Philly musicians is singer-songwriter Mutlu (www.myspace.com/mutlusounds). The next generation of Philly soul, Mutlu has an absolutely wonderful voice. The Blonde Accountant and I first saw him a few years ago opening for Daryl Hall at the Keswick Theater in Glenside. He’s opened for John Oates at the Sellersville Theater and he’s done several gigs opening for Hall & Oates across the county as well as headlined his own shows at several local venues.
*Whew*. What relief! We couldn't hear about a concert, even one not held at the Sellersville Theater, without mentioning the Sellersville Theater! So when not opening for washed-up gentlemen named "Hall" and "Oates," Mutlu performs at bars on the weekends.
Currently, Mutlu both opens and sings backup for another Philly singer-songwriter, Amos Lee (www.amoslee.com), whose newest album, “Mission Bell,” recently hit No. 1 on the Billboard charts.
If Borsch advertised this as "a poorly-written blog about concerts I've attended and celebrities I've seen in public," I'd stop. Honestly. But he's not even trying to live up to his "humor" claims here.
Mutlu was the headliner Friday at World Café Live, another of the many great venues in our area. Openers included Deep River and Kuf Knotz.
Toward the end of Mutlu’s set, a special guest walked up on stage to join in, and it was none other than Amos Lee, who hung for a few songs. The crowd was already amped for Mutlu, and the unexpected appearance by Amos only heightened the concert experience.
This is probably the only time in my life I will hear the phrase "amped for Mutlu." I'm tempted to ask who the hell Amos Lee is, but I'm not cool and hip like Borsch, I guess.
Check out his video of the event: two minutes of the performance. Twenty-five seconds of Amos. Then the best part: a crooked Batman-villain-lair-esque shot of the venue's neon sign, and an awkward zoom that cuts off part of the sign. Fade out. Prominent "Video by Mike Morsch" credit.
It was a great evening of music in a great city for music. Growing up in the Midwest, we just didn’t have these types of entertainment options in Peoria.
"Come to Philadelphia: We Have Better Music than Peoria." How many times has this guy said something akin to "a great artist in a great venue" to describe an event like this?
Labels: Mike Morsch, Montgomery Newspapers, Mutlu, Outta Leftfield, World Cafe Live
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
