Hey... Is it Spring Training???

Outta Leftfield: Pitchers and catchers reporting on Valentine's Day sure is sweet
Published: Tuesday, February 15, 2011
By Mike Morsch
Executive Editor

I know this is Borsch we're talking about... but could he focus a little less on baseball?

Boy, if you’re a Phillies fan — and we’ve got plenty of those around here given the expectations of the 2011 squad — then this past Valentine’s Day could have turned sour in a hurry for those members of the Stupid Men Club who failed to practice some basic awareness of the situation.

Wow, two never-touched-upon topics for him: baseball and how men are dumb. Let's see what revolutionary ideas he brings to the table!

See, pitchers and catchers reported for the first full spring training workouts this year on Monday, Valentine’s Day. And if, for example, you got up Monday morning and said to your sweetheart, “Hey, pitchers and catchers report today,” instead “Happy Valentine’s Day, honey,” then it’s likely you are still attempting to remove a stuffed teddy bear from your ear.

He forgot the "of" in "instead of." Have we established the fact that pitchers and catchers reported yet?

Certainly, since pitchers and catchers report about the same time every year in mid-February, they have done so on Valentine’s Day at some point in the past.

Thank goodness! NOW we've established it: pitchers and catchers. Valentine's Day. Same time. Proceed.

I just don’t remember it happening before now. If it had, I would likely have gotten picked off and I would have remembered sleeping in the garage for a month.

Picked off... how does that... apply?

And since some baseball fanatics consider the day pitchers and catchers report as some sort of the unofficial beginning of spring — if it were up to me that day, along with Opening Day and every day of the World Series, would be official paid holidays off of work — one could easily get distracted by Roy Halladay, Cliff Lee, Roy Oswalt, Cole Hamels and Joe Blanton showing up for their first full day of work on Valentine’s Day.

Things I Now Understand: Pitchers and catchers have reported, and they reported on Valentine's Day. By the way, that entire section was one sentence. Marvel at how bad a writer Borsch is.

Fortunately, I did not succumb to the cluelessness of confusing Valentine’s Day with pitchers and catchers reporting, which I realize is somewhat out of character for me. No, this year I was not caught unawares and was on top of my game for Valentine’s Day, making it last the whole weekend. Among the festivities, The Blonde Accountant and I had a nice dinner at our favorite restaurant and exchanged cards and winks.

Hey wait a second. Back up there, chief - Valentine's Day... pitchers and... catchers... reporting... could these two events be taking place... on the same day? I'm thinking that Borsch winking makes his face look like a butthole with teeth.

In fact, it was such a special weekend that I opted for the Woo Hoo cologne, which I only put on for special occasions. For the record, Woo Hoo cologne does not smell like Old Catcher’s Mitt cologne, although in past years I have splashed on a bit of the Old Catcher’s Mitt around the time spring training starts. Fortunately, I did not get the two colognes confused this year.

Is it possible to have a paragraph not containing the word "catcher"?

However, the Official Rules of Gentlemanly Behavior and Decorum prevent me from commenting further on the effectiveness of Woo Hoo cologne in the romance department.

My prediction: it's about as effective as his composition skills.

My sense is that the exception to the pitchers and catchers report on Valentine’s Day rule probably applies to the Phillies players themselves.

Great goodness, man, can we move on? Please? So far 50% of the column has been four words!

Given the salaries that ballplayers earn these days, they probably get a pass from their wives and significant others if the excitement of spring training — especially one like this with the lofty expectations — overshadows a romantic holiday. I’m pretty sure The Blonde Accountant would understand the postponement of the romantic holiday dinner if I was bringing home $14 million a year. She might not even care if I got my colognes mixed up.

Quite honestly, it's a sin that this man is bringing home any dollars a year.

But my awareness this year can be traced back to when The Blonde Accountant and I got married. Back in 2007 — before the Phillies had become perennial fixtures in October baseball — she had suggested three wedding dates. Up to that point, the Phillies hadn’t been playing much baseball in October, so I had no qualms about selecting an October wedding date.

How did we get from - dare I say it - Valentine's Day to an October wedding? 2007 must have been an "off" year for The Blonde Accountant.

Then the Phillies made the playoffs. In fact, in 2007, had the Phils advanced through the postseason, they would have ended up playing in the seventh game of the National League Championship Series to decide who would go to the World Series the very day of the wedding.

HA! Wait wait wait... so the point of his story is that there was only the most tenuous imaginary connection between the date of his wedding and the Phillies being in the playoffs? I guess what counts is that HE sees the connection.

It didn’t happen because the Phils lost in the first round, but the lesson was not lost on me — never let the baseball season interfere with the important stuff.

I'm confused - so you should intentionally try to schedule important things on days that sports might be played? This "lesson" makes no sense.

That’s why I was able to set aside my enthusiasm over pitchers and catchers reporting and concentrate on Valentine’s Day. Sleeping in the garage this time of year can get a bit chilly in the Northeast.

So what I'm getting from this story is that two important events occurred on the same date... but what are they? What are they? Will someone please tell me?

The Phillies gave their fans a big Valentine’s Day present Monday by trotting out the five pitchers, dressed in their red jerseys, for a collective press conference, guaranteed to get the faithful all amped up for the season.

Red jerseys are an unconventional choice for Phillies players, huh?

But whether it’s Valentine’s Day or the first day of spring training,

SOMEBODY STOP THIS MAN! STOP HIM!

one word can describe having them both fall on the same day this year: Sweet.

Eight. That's the number of times Borsch told us on what day what people reported. What buffoon ever thought this man could write?