Can't Do Enough Fawning

Tuesday, May 24, 2011
'No Ma'am, You're Not Old'

Boy, I'm a bit stumped as to the possible topic here. Could it be about how clueless guys are about the subject of a woman's age? Maybe he called someone "ma'am" and his wife scolds him because it's an "old lady" term?

I judge the level of a party by the host’s willingness to offer cocktail weenies at the hors d’oeuvres table. Using that as a measuring stick, Dan May really knows how to throw a shindig.

We dive right into fresh territory - "cocktail weeines" (which he has covered in-depth before), a.k.a. little hot dogs. Toss in a sprinkling of oft-chronicled musician Dan May and we've got a truly revolutionary topic!

May, the Philadelphia singer-songwriter extraordinaire, had a CD release party last weekend at Plays and Players Theater in the city to promote his fourth CD, “Dying Breed.” It’s yet another brilliant piece of work by Dan and his band mates, who performed several cuts from the album at a show prior to everybody bellying up to the buffet table at the after party.

I'm disgusted for three reasons: (1) Borsch is almost homosexual in his lust for Mr. May, who just produced a liberal-themed music CD - but he had nothing good to say about Dennis Miller, who does some conservative-themed comedy. And Borsch had the gall to say his dislike of Miller was because he doesn't enjoy political material. (2) This is the SECOND article he's squeezed out of this Dan May gala. (3) I hate the phrase "bellying up to."

There are a lot of things to like about Dan — the songwriting, the singing, the sense of humor.

Restrain yourself, sir!

Lead guitarist and vocalist Tom Hampton seems to be cut from the same cloth, and it shows in the music.

What cloth? The cloth of having a lot of things to like about him?

As we were about to take our leave from the party Saturday night, Tom was engaged in a conversation with two other people, and the three of them happened to be blocking the path to our exit. The Blonde Accountant said, “Excuse me” as she made her way past the trio, and Tom countered with, “Sure, ma’am.”

You don't "counter" someone saying "excuse me." Seriously. Especially when the guy just said, "Sure, ma'am." He replied; he rejoined; he answered. Learn the language.

A seemingly innocent enough exchange. But as soon as we were out of earshot, she turned to me and said, “I’m not old enough to be called ma’am. How old does Tom think I am? He’s probably the same age as me.”

Get over yourself. "Ma'am" is a term of respect. I would use "ma'am" on women at the grocery store, and they'd always say something like, "That's what people call my mother." Well guess what - you're all grown up now. I call you "ma'am," you call me "sir."

The reality of it is that I am old and The Blonde Accountant is eight years my junior, which I believe makes it alright for Tom to call me “ma’am” the next time he sees me.

TBA must be a real prize, eh? Marrying an older man is one thing, but marrying an older man who happens to be Mike Morsch? *Shudder*

I would (29) never think of (29) revealing my wife’s age (29) in print and (29) if I did, I would (29) make sure (29) to emphasize that it (29) doesn’t change (29) from year to year.

Ha... ha?

The next day, I went to Dan’s Facebook page and posted the following comment about the party: “I, for one, certainly appreciated that cocktail weenies were included in the after party buffet table. But thanks to Tom Hampton calling my wife ‘ma’am’ I had to hear all . . . the . . . way . . . home that she wasn’t old.”

I'm not one to brag, but please note that I totally called this exact topic by just reading the title.

Dan’s response: “Tom is a southern gentleman, he calls women ‘ma’am.’ Tell The Blonde Accountant she’s still got it going on. In fact, people at the party that saw the two of you together were commenting on how Mike Morsch was robbing the cradle.”

This is really gross. And for the record, I really, really wanted to make a "James Troutman" reference here. But I felt restraint.

Dan is a playful purveyor of hooey, so that’s pretty funny, considering that nobody at that party besides Dan knew who I was.

Well, at least it's as funny as your standard Outta Leftfield

Once again, Tom wasn’t too far behind with his comment: “Mike, if it makes you feel better, I also call Dan ‘ma’am’ more often than not.”

So you remember that joke a few sentences, ago, when Borsch said it was "alright for Tom to call me “ma’am” the next time he sees me"? Yeah. He stole that joke. From Tom.

The Blonde Accountant was having none of what they were peddling. I suggested to Dan and Tom that they only way they could get back into her good graces would be to write her a song. We shall see where that leads, although Dan has already admitted to having trouble rhyming “accountant.”

Both "fountain" and "mountain" are near-rhymes of "accountant." [Editor's Note: On further review, I missed a Borsch typo - "they only way they." Well done, Mr. Executive Editor.]

I would suggest a working title of “No Ma’am, You’re Not Old.”

Labels: Dan May, Mike Morsch, Montgomery Newspapers, Outta Leftfield

I find it interesting that he tags Dan May but not Tom Hampton. We get some pretty good Borsch standards here: fawning over a local celeb, writing about an event he attended, hot dog references, social faux pas made by a man and pointed out by his wife.