Men are Manly

OUTTA LEFTFIELD: Store with lotions, potions and soaps makes no scents to some men
Published: Wednesday, January 19, 2011
By Mike Morsch
Executive Editor

"Scents"! Get it? It sounds like "sense." And gee, here's a great subject to muse on - the differences between men (dumb and smelly!) and women (smart and well-groomed!). Morsch is always breaking new ground in comedy.

In moments of reflection — which translated into guyspeak means boredom —

Men don't "reflect"! Men fart and burp and drink!

I oftentimes ask myself, “Why?” This is not all that unusual for a reporter because “why” is one of the questions we ask everybody.

As has been well-documented in this space, I follow The Blonde Accountant around on her various shopping excursions. So accompanying my daughters isn’t much different, the only exception being that I have twice as many bags to schlep and twice as many purses to hold while standing outside the fitting rooms trying not to fall asleep.

"Schlep"... where have I heard that word before? Did somebody write an entire column about it, perhaps?

My latest “why” moment came on a recent shopping excursion with my daughters to a store called Bath & Body Works. The store sells things like anti-bacterial soap, body cream, body lotion, body splash (and no, I don’t know the difference between body cream, body lotion and body splash),

I'd say the difference between the three is self-explanatory, wouldn't you? This is like saying you don't know the difference between a living room, a bathroom and a bedroom.

creamy body wash, shower gel and body wash, candles, wallflowers and gift sets.

I’ve taken baths and I have a body, so the possibility existed that the “Hey, Smell This” store would have something that interested me. Apparently, though, big galoots are not among the target audience for this business.

We've been down this road so many times... doesn't HE ever get tired of it?

“There is absolutely nothing in here for me,” I said to Older Daughter as she and her sister flitted about the store smelling lotions, potions and candles with names like Japanese Cherry Blossom, Twilight Woods, Moonlight Path, Secret Wonderland and Bergamot Coriander.

This guy really is, as a recent commenter put it, a "sexist douche." See, things that smell nice and have fancy names are womanly things.

For the record, I don’t believe I’ve ever bought a candle in my life, so circling the store smelling candles — all of which smelled like soap to me — wasn’t exactly the most productive use of time. But it did illustrate to what lengths I would go to as the doting dad to stay occupied while the girls were doing something they liked.

"...to what lengths I would go to"? Really, sir? Really? This is like a double English sin - trying to avoid ending a sentence in a preposition, and then doing it anyway.

“Sure they do Dad, right over there is the men’s section,” said Older Daughter, pointing to one shelf barely noticeable in a corner of the store.

This is surely fictional, since Bath and Body Works isn't exclusively for women. Their website doesn't mention gender at all - there isn't even a "For Men" or "For Women" gifts section. My conclusion: Morsch just assumes it's a store for women since it sells soaps and candles.

One shelf? That’s it? And only five fragrances: Oak, Ocean, Twilight Woods (At least we got one that the women got), Noir and Cintron. According to both daughters who have taken Spanish classes, the scent “Cintron” is very close to the Spanish word “cinturon,” which means “belt.”

This will undoubtedly devolve into an entirely pointless aside.

Imagine if I had brought some Cintron body spray home.

“Ohhh, what’s that scent you’re wearing?” The Blonde Accountant would whisper to me.

Hey, at least he's admitting that he's making up his humorless dialogue this time, right?

“It’s belt,” I would respond. And that would certainly set the mood for a wonderful romantic evening, wouldn’t it?

So standing in the store, my big “why” question became, “If you’re going to dabble in a non-primary market demographic like big galoots, why not at least come up with some fragrances that would appeal to the schnooks?”

My big "what" question is, "what the hell is he talking about"?

So I spent a few minutes looking at bottles of Midnight Pomegranate, Juniper Breeze, Pearberry and Sheer Freesia and wondering, “What the heck are Juniper Breeze, Pearberry and Sheer Freesia?” Then I conjured up what I thought would be some manly man fragrances for the store’s marketing department.

We've waited a long time for this, my friends: original material, purportedly created by Morsch, that is supposed to be the hilarious centerpiece of the article. Before we jump into that, though - what exactly is unmanly about "Midnight Pomegranate"? Seriously. Is it too "fruity"-sounding for Mike? The shades of homophobia here are too deep to ignore.

To wit:

(1) Garage and Motor Oil Blossom — Guaranteed to give one that old-tire appeal.

(2) Night Blooming Scotch and Cigar — This one would be an acquired taste. Maybe blue collar comic Ron White could be asked to endorse it.

Ah, cars! Drinking! Smoking! All the manly virtues, eh?

(3) Bergamot Pizza and Sheer Beer — This one smells, of course, like pizza and beer because men have never heard of Bergamot Coriander and Sheer Freesia, have no idea what on earth they could be or smell like, and think somebody is just messing with us.

Because MEN ARE STUPID! BWAH HA HA HA HA HAAAA! And nothing is more manly than the stink of beer and pizza.

(4) Cool Citrus Basil Rathbone — A foggy London fragrance that suggests a hint of pipe smoke wafting from the wet overcoat of Sherlock Holmes.

(5) Fresh Springtime Cardboard — Smells like bubblegum from a new pack of baseball cards.

The Basil Rathbone reference is more cultured than I would have expected - I mean, do big, dumb, chain-smokin' men have time for Sherlock Holmes between drivin' their cars and drinkin' their booze? And I do believe we have our first baseball reference of the New Year.

Daydreaming about helping Bath & Body Works expand its line and improve its marketing approach killed enough time for the girls to finish their shopping.

No way he came up with these ideas in the store. These would take him hours upon hours of concentrated thought.

Younger Daughter came away with a bagful of stuff and nothing left on a gift card. Older Daughter came away with a couple of things that she wanted.

The first "came away with" is actually informative. The second is hilariously vague and unnecessary.

And I came away with spending some quality time with my girls and the satisfaction of knowing that if I wanted to, I could smell like a belt.

He does know that just because that word sounds like the Spanish word for "belt," that isn't necessarily what it smells like, right? I enjoy how he portrays himself as hunkering moodily in a corner the whole trip, but then says that he enjoyed the quality time with his daughters.

This one was disturbing on many levels, not the least of which was the insight into his thoughts regarding the sexes. For all his liberal tendencies, it looks like our beloved author is practically a Neanderthal when it comes to gender roles in modern society.