Borsch Reviews a Toilet

OUTTA LEFTFIELD: Not a bidet-dream believer in the electronic toilet seat
Published: Tuesday, July 26, 2011
By Mike Morsch
Executive Editor

Is it a surprise that Borsch is once again writing about a "zany" invention? No. If the topic isn't baseball or a recent local concert, this is basically the only thing left in his repertoire. Another familiar Borsch trick - using song lyrics in sentences - is on full display here.

If you women think that we men monopolize the remote control now, just wait until we all run out and buy the Intelliseat, touted as “the premiere electronic toilet seat on the market today.”

WOW, guys monopolizing the remote! Could it get any fresher than this?

Oddly enough, I wasn’t even the one who discovered the existence of this product. The Blonde Accountant and Daughter of Blonde Accountant were on an advanced scouting trip to Costco for something else recently when they stumbled upon the display for the Intelliseat.

"Advanced scouting trip" is most definitely a baseball reference, although I believe the term is "advance scouting."

This is a common modern-day Borsch offering - long on detail and boring story, short on all but the lamest attempts at humor. For instance, in the next pharagraph he uses the word "schlep" and suggests that he goes to Costco only for the free food samples.

He goes on to list the features of the product (the sheer amount of detail will have you in stitches!) before writing this:

What I found humorous was that printed right on the top of the box were the words, “This end up.” That seemed like a bit of a contradiction because the product actually requires more of a “this end down” approach.

This comic gem is pretty much the high water mark for this column. We get a little jingoism while discussing the word "bidet":

Unfortunately, my knowledge of French is limited to toast, croissants and Maurice Chevalier...

The complexity of the remote control for this device baffles him - it apparently has a baffling array of controls. He then lists nine controls and states: That’s a lot of control for one remote. Has he even seen a modern television or DVD player remote?

When I was describing the various functions on the remote to The Blonde Accountant later at home, she immediately turned into a young Joan Rivers — before all the plastic surgery, of course — and did several minutes of salty and extremely funny jokes, none of which are printable here.

Rats - they would have been the first funny jokes printed in the entire history of Outta Leftfield.

It appears that the Intelliseat, while good for a few laughs, does not appear to be in my future, though. Besides, for this product to really “have my name written all over it,” it would also have to be able to report the baseball scores to me.

Wait a minute - he is a baseball fan or something? We end on a baffling note:

So I’m going to remain hopelessly old-fashioned in this area. While conducting business in the foreseeable future, I’m sticking with paper — news and toilet.

Didn't he publish a post a while back about how Montgomery Newspapers was going to be breaking new ground in online news technology? Unless he means using his own newspaper as tiolet paper. Which would be entirely appropriate.