Guys Say Dumb Things

OUTTA LEFTFIELD: Father's Day marks the 'Silly Sayings Season' for dads
Published: Thursday, June 16, 2011
By Mike Morsch
Executive Editor

Oh joy! It's been at LEAST two or three columns since we've had one focusing on dumb guys and the dumb things they say. Will there be a "Hey kids, get off my lawn" reference? Something about grilling (and burning) food, perhaps?

Dads say the silliest things. It seems to be part of their essential fabric, kind of like wearing Bermuda shorts with black socks and dress shoes and considering it a cutting-edge fashion statement.

So fresh! What, no reference to playing golf or moving to Florida?

My dad had a boatload of favorite sayings, only a few of which didn’t contain a profanity of some sort. It’s one of the many things I miss about him now that he’s gone.

I swear, if he rips off another Jeff Foxworthy routine, I'm going to lose it.

As a school superintendent in a different era, he didn’t use profanities around the students. But he was used to giving directives and having the students follow them. Immediately, if not sooner.

“Don’t just stand there with your teeth in your mouth and your elbow halfway up your arm,” he would say after issuing an order. The literal meaning was, “Get moving!” But the teeth and elbow part of that phrase always seemed to confuse kids, and they’d tilt their heads like dogs hearing a high-pitched sound while they tried to process the information.

Is this really "things dads say"? Shouldn't it be "things school superintendents in a different era say"?

“Wait … my teeth are already in my mouth and my elbow is already … oh, I get it.”

Another of my dad’s favorites that I could never completely interpret was: “Well I’ll be kiss your fanny.” It was an expanded, “Well I’ll be … ” as an exclamation of surprise, but I can’t figure out the “kiss your fanny” part. Kissing fanny was never part of his repertoire, so I’m not sure why he would suggest that he was in such a position.

I'd say kissing fanny is VERY much a part of Borsch's repertoire - witness his interview with every celebrity who is not Dennis Miller.

But no matter how goofy or silly it sounded, I think my dad got a kick out of entertaining himself with language, a character trait I seem to have inherited from him.

You may entertain yourself, sir, but you entertain no one else. Borsch "entertaining himself" with the language is akin to a boy "entertaining himself" by pulling the wings off flies.

My theory on why dads say silly things is that in general, they are characters. Dads have no problem picking their noses, scratching their hind ends, creating funny sounds with various parts of their bodies (would a woman ever have thought of the hand-in-the-armpit tooting routine?), using the great outdoors as their personal rest room and belching the ABCs. I can’t imagine my mom, wife, daughters, stepdaughter, mother-in-law or boss doing any of those things.

And there you have it: dads (he clearly means all guys) are characters who do all kinds of rude, crude things. Right? HA! In all his years he has NEVER explored territory like this before. Guys being dumb, goofy and slobby! This slays me!

When I became a dad, I considered it one of my parental duties to say silly things. But I only use a few of them when my kids are around. The R-rated ones I save for my buddies.

What exactly are the "R-rated" antics? I'm seriously trying to think of what they could be. Violently killing someone? Explicit sexual material?

For example, when we pull into a store parking lot and there is an open space close to the door, I will exclaim, “Executive parking! Did you call ahead?”

Since this immediately follows the "R-rated" remark, one would think this would be an example of such uncensored antics. This is not only pathetically G-rated, but pathetically lame and stupid as well.

Oddly enough, when I’m driving, the closest open parking space is usually in Delaware,

He used this same "can't find nearby parking" gag at least twice in his post about shopping on Memorial Day.

so I don’t get to use that phrase as often. But when The Blonde Accountant is behind the wheel and I’m riding shotgun, she has this uncanny good fortune of finding open parking spots close to the door virtually every single time. It’s almost like the parking lot realizes that she is wearing fabulous-looking shoes, but that having to walk very far in them will most certainly hurt her feet.

Women wearing nice shoes! He's only used that gag 500 times.

Many of my favorites, though, come from movies and they are for the guys only. My dad’s exclamation of surprise was tame compared to my “You gotta be bleepin’ me, Pyle!” That comes from the movie “Full Metal Jacket.”

Really? Because he throws the "sh*ts" and "a$$es" around quite liberally on his Twitter account. Let's hope the kids can't access them Internets!

Older Daughter never knew where that saying came from, and why would she? “Full Metal Jacket” isn’t a movie for kids. But just a few months ago, she and her husband were watching the movie and when the line was said, she jumped up and pointed to the TV, exclaiming, “That’s what my dad always says!”

And thus a lifetime of unoriginality was laid bare. And didn't he just say that these phrases were "for the guys only"? Yet his daughter knows it so well she only identifies it with him?

(I believe that in that instance, my dad would have said, “Well I’ll be kiss your fanny!” at the realization of where the phrase originated. And I think it would have been funnier had Older Daughter had the wherewithal to channel her grandfather there.)

If you say "in that instance," you don't have to add, "at the realization of where the phrase originated." It's already covered.

Another of my favorites: When somebody asks me to do something that is well within my areas of expertise, I respond, “You think this is the first hole I ever dug?” That’s a Joe Pesci line straight out of “Goodfellas.”

So this is not so much "silly things dads say" as "lines I repeat from movies."

I also take several lines from “Animal House,” the cleanest of which is “Good, good, good!” That one is said by Faber College’s Dean Vernon Wormer when he finds out the Delta House guys’ grades are bad enough to get them expelled. I utilize “Good, good, good!” during those times when I experience something that’s, well … good. Upon further reflection, maybe there isn’t a whole lot of creativity exhibited in the execution of this line.

There isn't a whole lot of creativity in anything he does, really.

Makes the hand-in-the-armpit tooting routine seem downright brilliant, doesn’t it?

I'd say that much of Borsch's material is equal in quality to armpit-created fart noises, actually.

On this Father’s Day weekend, I encourage all you silly dads to not just stand there with your teeth in your mouth and your elbow halfway up your arm waiting for someone to kiss your fanny. Get out and enjoy the day. If you’re lucky, you just might find some executive parking in your travels, which would be good, good, good!

I'm so glad that the average American dad is much, much more clever than this.

As for those Bermuda shorts with the black socks and dress shoes … you gotta be bleepin’ me, Pyle.

Just to sum up, this column seemed to promise a number of universal "dad" phrases. You know, things he has culled from a lifetime observing others. What we got was the following:

(1) Something his dad said to students (not his own kids)
(2) Something his dad used to say (to anyone, presumably)
(3) Something Borsch says in parking lots (he only mentions his wife, not his kids)
(4) 3 movie lines Borsch repeats (but not to his kids, because they're "for guys only")

So basically NONE of the "sayings" he relates are in any way tied with fatherhood OR with Father's Day. They aren't things he says to his kids; they aren't things he says to other parents. They're just random quotes from people who happen to be fathers. Nice effort, Borsch.